Hiii, this is where I'll drop my thoughts from time to time, i guess? I hope I'm doing this right...
#madeinsen's imaginary observatory
leaden jolt
I found out today that school is merely a false promise I blindly believed due to my natural inclination in loving knowledge too much. Welp. That didn't end quite as planned because the education system is completely different from the real education I yearn. Now I'm burned out but at least I learned a few things:
- Systems aren't made for individuals, they're made to keep majority in a line.
- Knowledge shouldn't be crammed in one box, a topic takes time to learn and pressuring someone doesn't help with efficiency.
- I'm never gonna trust authority again, convince me otherwise XD.
i mean- education system what? where's the education part? Nah, imma start ranting about the government if I don't stop myself now...
Being a teenager is pretty complicated. In-between childhood and adulthood. I'm starting to believe paranoid news forums are right about the world being messed up. But hey! Clouds are so pretty- society can't possibly strip the sky away from me. Where the wind blows, there is a chance for freedom and peace.
Do you ever feel like you're not you? Boom~! Dissociation. Some feelings just crash onto you like a persistent meteorite from an alien galaxy. It's so new, you wonder if you'll cry out of overwhelming pain or rejoice that life seems to be moving because well- no matter how much it hurts, it reminded you there's so much you don't know. That's just me? Cool... Sometimes, the more I learn the more I don't want to see. But then I find out a cool cloud fact and then I go wow ok nvm. Maybe life is worth living. Maybe magic exist.
Talking about magic! Reality is magic in its own way, no? Radiation? Electricity? Boring stuff? What if you overload a 5m(diameter) space with lightning. charged electrons. destructive shockwaves. Doesn't that sound like magic? with extra steps or something who knows. I haven't picked up a book lately
weird train of thought but ok
OOH
yes. life.
bucketlist
β’need meme stickers for my physical journal
oh man. Maybe my romantic feelings aren't made for people. These mammoths will never cease to enamour me 
i took this photo long ago
I'm kidding with the romantic feelings part of course..........ππ
IT LOOKS SO GOOD GRRRR
GRAAAAH
leaden jolt
After a long trial of reflecting, I found out one of the sources of my dissatisfaction stems from the fact I've been unknowingly draining myself. Those times I bawled my eyes out were not because I was disappointed in myself. It was never the failure that shattered me, it was the eyes. People's eyes. All I wanted was understanding. Understand me when I say, no I don't want to chase occupations. I don't want to be anyone. Understand me when I say I want nothing more than to experience this "beautiful" world everyone talks about. What's so good about it anyways huh? And then I opened my eyes. It was pretty easy in my case and I believe I'm quite lucky to even see the "world" just north yonder. A mountain, clouds? Yeah, it's a pretty weird reason but I decided I wanted to live. I don't care what people say anymore, I'm gonna be honest with everyone- I don't give a single crap about trophies. The real treasure, I believe, is out there. Whether that's sleeping with a bunch of cats or getting lost in a forest because my ego believed in it too much- that's gonna be my consequence. And I mean? Isn't that enough reason? Why ask me for more? That's my biggest question. What's life if not to experience it? π€¨π€¨π€¨ such simple flipping question. People's version of success differs. I may be a dumb teenager but a dream is a dream.
When stripped away of joy, a person looses reasons. And those who take it away from the dreamers are usually the ones to ponder, "why did they run?" Well duh, because you insisted they live the way you want them to. Purpose is found not grown into! Ridiculous. A note to myself: Don't follow the obvious path, every individual carves their own.
I'm trying to practice communicating my emotions better.
I wonder if I ran away back then, even if it is indeed an impulsive decision, would I be in a better place?
I wonder if there will come a time when the question isn't how to be happy anymore. It will be a doubtful- I'm happy? But the answer will be sure.
i like this cat
will green cats be radioactive or harmless?
leaden jolt
I'm so anxious
I'm gonna throw up
When I'm stressed, it feels like my intestines are trying to devour themselves.
leaden jolt
I swear something's wrong with me
Fake it til you make it era
i had a dream last night but I don't remember what it was about. When I woke up, it felt like my brain was stepped on and I was compressed flat to my bed. It was so weird
I don't know why, but my memory is so rusty. I was walking around earlier and it was as if I'm lagging irl.
tch tch wi-fi's so slow these days
I'm supposed to be a good student.
my grades just dropped
The weather today is nice but what surfaces is the storm ravaging in my skull. What I'm trying to say is, my brain is doing a 180 rotation because the dismal day of disappointment is tomorrow.
BUT
it doesn't matter now, I screwed up. Yolo. I'm gonna be fine as long as I believed.
Mistakes isn't the end of the world
My mistake isn't the end of the world. I'm just a normal person afterall
And if their reaction towards my grades cause a commotion, that's not gonna be my fault. That's on them.
Acceptance
Inner peace
GRAAAAAA
I'm gonna vomit
rainbows
rainbows are pretty
Why is tomorrow so scary
leaden jolt
support this insanely skillful artist guys
https://youtu.be/6IhNJBelajU?si=t5OzPBqYzkkXyJhE
found and forgotten π€π€π€
leaden jolt
Today didn't end up as bad as I anticipated. That was really anticlimactic after all the mental preparations, I was so ready to take on the world bro.
A teacher I've known for 4 years pointed out how I never join school events especially prom. She informed me that my mother apparently wants me to experience these stuff, according to my mother she says. The teacher asked me if my parents are strict or I'm isolating myself. Well, the latter of course. It's my choice and I don't regret it. However, I don't think it's isolation. I'm sure experiencing social environments is a good thing to prepare me in the long run but it's so tiring. I don't know, is it bad that I prefer my own company?
it's the fear of missing out