#uzarts figurative realm
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I'm not a good man
I'm brash
Curt
Rude and I have sharp tongue
I don't like my body
And I don't think I'll find love
I feel like I'll live the rest of my life single, yearning for a women to love
I don't think girls would like me
They never do anyways
I feel Iike I beg for attention
So ig I just need to shut up
Stop eating
Gym until my muscles tear and hope for the best
I hate myself and I am numb to my hatred
It's habit now
To reject any who call me a good person
Because they don't know who I've sworn
What I've done
I'm far from a good man
I am
...
Hm
No words
What am I to myself
Flesh
Bones
Human
Muslim
Curt
Pungent
Revolting
Ill tempered
Ruined
Attention seeking
Padantjc
Hmmmm
One could justify his need for attention by framing it as a plea for help
I've already plead and I have help
I need not speak no more
I must not speak
I must not eat
I will not eat
I must not speak
I must not speak
My silence is better
My silence betters me
Yes
It does
I hate myself
I'm selfish for it
But I do
I think one day I'll die alone
Not bad ig
I feel like I need to add to my tally
The scars have begun to form
They'll be replaced with a fresh set
I'm not a good person
I'm an ugly man with filthy heart
The ultimate fool
A rtard
Fuck you
You are fucking ugly
You're an ungrateful fuck
I am a stain on the earth
I'm a disgrace to my name and my blood
I won't go back to therapy unless I can do it by myself
My parents don't need to know about it
They don't need to have their son slobbering like a filthy fucking dog on the floor
Because fuck you
Fuck you
I remember what my father said last time
Kind of
But theres no more therapy for me
I am shit
I am below shit
I am below shit
below shit
Below shit
I'm going to fucking kill myself one day
I'll be alone
Miserable
I'll kill myself
With either a rope or gun
Maybe drugs
Because fuck you
You are shit
You will amount to nothing
You will be nothing
You are an irrelevant failure
A failure
A fucking failure
I'm a horrible person
I'm a horrible person
I'm a walking fucking contradiction
I'm a mistake
We are back to it
7-8 tiny nicks
Enough to remind myself
I sat in my room and neglected my family
I sat and watched shit on my phone
Fuck you
More
They will not hear me this time
I will bleed alone
4 must be added
Consider it paid
It starts
Day 1 complete
Hard to not waste myself like a worthless shit bag at night
That's good
That reminds me
My penance is 5 passes
Or 5 to the tally
The latter just sounded fancy
I'm not a good man
Never was a good man
I swear
Lie
Cheat
Insult
I'm fucking rude
I have a temper
I acknowledge my faults
I acknowledge that I am a fuck up
You know I think sometimes that some people look at me as the shy and respectful kid
They say that a lot I guess
Sounds like I'm lying when I say ig
It
Cus I know some of them know my true colour's
They know the lazy fat asshole who lies
I'm a liar
And a fucking cheat
I'm a bad persom
I'm a bad person
And no one will fucking like me
That's why I have so little friends
Even so I don't know if they talk behind my back
Secret chats
Concealed talks
I know almost everyone in my class had a go at me in grade 8
They all hated the sarcastic Indian kid who thought he was the shit
Kind of shot myself in the foot with that one
It's the sarcasm
Never keeping my fucking mouth shut
I deserve to be disliked that way
It's better
One day I'll put a hole through my head
Two large tallies on my wrists
Be rid of the repulsive thing that is me
The fat slob who looks back at me in that FUCKING mirror
Fuck you Uzart
You're a mistake
Fuck you
Fuck
You
You lowlife piece of shit
You addicted scum
You sarcastic fucking jerk off
I hope you fucking kill yourself
Fuck you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you for what you did to me
I could have been in shape
I could have has good marks
I could have had a girlfriend
But you fucked it all up like you always do
Nothing goes well and you fuck up
You're a dumb fuck
You're a dumb fuck
You lowlife scum
I hope you cut yourself more
I hope you put a fucking gun to your head and pull the trigger you fucking scumbag.
Your friends don't like you
No one does
And you're a fat waste of space who sits in his room and does nothing with his fucking life
Your father has worked tooth and fucking nail to give you heaven on a silver fucking platter yet you balls it up and spit it back in his face
You inmature
Attention seeking
Pretentious
Shitbag of a human being
You think they like you?
You think they actually like you?
I bet they fucking talk about you behind your back
Just like those fucks at school
So fuck you
And if you fail this fucking challenge it will just prove how much of a fucking mistake you are
If you fail
It will be
10
Fucking
Tallies
I hope you have the fucking space you dumb fucking cock
Fuck you Uzart
FUCK
YOU
Oh go distract yourself on tiktok you fucking bum
I am going to die alone
Day two
Better
But we need to go the full mile
Ah
The temptations
Habit is a bitch
And one who has taken my fucking soul
Not this time
I can't
I won't
I must not
I seek love
Partnership
Connection
Not the fake shit
No hook ups
Or situationships
Nor do I seek non commitment
I crave the hug and embrace by the fire
I crave the dancing in the spring fields
I crave the chase in summers rain
I crave the walks on an autumn afternoon
I feel solitude
I was an only child
I was left alone to my own mind
So I played by myself
Thought by myself
When my parents worked I sat in the lounge
I was among my own toys and trinkets
Cartoons playing
I'd sometimes imagine myself among the heroes
I was a bubbly child as I was told
I often socialized
I was kind and generous (sounds pretentious)
Care free
Or free spirited
Then I lost my head at fucking 8
My grandmother had died
I somehow hit rock bottom with depression
I was weird
Angry
Frustrated
Then covid ruined me
And the phone
And that fucking
That ugly
Fucking thing
That putrid shit
I became depressed again
My self esteem has been on the decline
It's already at rock bottom
I hate myself
It's all I can say in the mirror
The therapist told me to do affirmations
My only affirmations are
"fuck you"
"I hate you"
"kill yourself"
"you're fat"
"You're worthless"
So that's something
I never was suicidal
But did say that I wanted to kill myself
It would be the ultimate reaction
Everyone would fucking watch me then
Everyone would turn their heads
Even the pricks at school
But it would be strange
I wonder if my soul would watch every mourner
Grand parents
Parents
Aunts
Uncles
Even the uncles who fucking swore me in the very room I type this in
"You're fucking rude neh?" they said
"You don't greet, you don't do (xyz)"
Which was true
All of it true
I'm not a good person after all
I was also deceptive
So
I can go fuck myself for that one
But maybe they'd cry
Maybe that other fat bastard of an uncle would show up and shed a tear
Maybe my father would finally cry
My mother would be distraught
Thinking about it makes my heart ache slightly
I lie
It makes it ache a lot
To watch a mother see her son dead at the end of a noose
Or my father to watch my cold corpse riddled with marks and two big tallies
Blood dried but staining my forearms
Maybe they'd call me for breakfast and discover a dead child in his bed
Asleep forever
Drugs seem better
They look to cut out the ugly bits
Where was I going with this?
Ah yes
Loneliness
Covid
Phone
That thing
Safe to say that my confidence diminished by high school
I've never hated myself more
I now sit idle in big groups
My friends prattle on as I play the tail
I barely talk to women
I feel lonely
I want connection
I want to be loved
Why
WHY
Why can't I be fucking loved
When do I get to sob in the lap of anyone but my mother
When can I melt in the embrace of another
When can I kiss and bond my soul to a lover
When
When does it happen my lord
I ask for my significant other like how Adam found eve
I seek comfort like how Muhammad found his in the lap of khadija
I want to be a romantic
I want to give flowers
I want to orate poetry and profess my love
I want to feel her hands clash with mine
I don't need her body
I need to radiance that it gives
Maybe it is your plan
Maybe I am doomed to my solitude
But fuck me
It gets lonely
But then I am angry
I am angry when I see them waste love that fucks like me would wait an eternity to have
No
An eternity to feel
When 2 months feels fleeting and fickle
When sex
And status
And casual love become the norm
I hate it
Words cannot describe my rage
When "Situationships" happen
When people waste themselves on the next partner
They don't value love
They just pass it around like it's nothing
Then I
I must sit in the fucking dirt
With my dick in my hands and a meek smile on my face as I watch it happen
Maybe I'm jealous
Ungrateful
Hateful
I know God probably looks down at me with a sigh
But I want love
And I hate seeing people waste it
Like lustful vixens
Vixens
They all are
Maybe my loneliness has given me greater appreciation
For what it is
I deserve it all
For the shit stain I am to any and all I meet
I deserve every single
Fucking cut
I deserve every strike
Every shouting
Every curse
Because I am worthless
And lazy
And lustful
And jealous
And attention seeking
Maybe I deserve that fucking gun to my head
I'm a loser
Thats all I am
I'm a 16 year old
No life
Loser
I sit on a discord forum and berate myself
I sit in servers and create stories about shit in my head
I isolate myself in my room
And on this FUCKING phone
Why tf am I so ugly
Why do I hate myself
Why am I like this
I hate myself
I fucking hate myself
I hate myself
I hate everything about me
I hate myself
I fucking hate myself
Day 3
I just found out something vile about the the myself
Something that has gone silent for years
Something that
I took time to acknowledge
I won't tell
I guess it can stay a secret between me
And
Them
FUCK
Kinda studied
but uhm
yeah
I'm dying alone
Im not happy
I feel empty
If I fail
it's 10
plus the five
15 cuts
so much blood
so little space
It will fucking happen
so my dumbass better not fail
not even my exams
I need to get back to that
It's empty
Maybe if I wasn't a fucking ugly, repulsive rat
Then people would like me
Correction
More would like me
And I'd have a girlfriend
Maybe
I mean
Some people like me
But I don't know if they fw me tbh
I can be a huge jackass
So ig
Yeah
But
Uhm
Instead of that shit
I'm just going to make myself sad
I wanna be hugged man
I want to be kissed
Held
I crave the dancing in the spring fields
I crave the chase in summers rain
I crave the walks on an autumn afternoon
I crave the hug and embrace by the fire
I wanna be loved by another
I wanna fall asleep in her arms
I've hugged pillows for long enough
I don't want to be a creep
I just want to be cared for
Does it sound weird?
Maybe
But
I just
Want
To not
Fell
Feel
Lonely
And feel Iike absolute shit
WHEN THE FUCK IS MY TURN
WHEN IS IT?
Or do I have to put a cap through my fucking skull or something
At this point the only pleasure I get is when I jack myself off like a fucking putrid loser
I am a loser
A fucking lower
Being
And a piece of shit to any and everyone in my life
I beg for love but maybe I deserve this for how much of an insufferable piece of shit I am
Maybe I deserved that
Maybe I deserve to sit in every conversation like a fucking mute
Maybe I deserve every
Single
Fucking
Cut
And knick
On my right thigh
Because I am selfish
And I am lazy
And I am annoying
And I am angry
And lustful
And I am trash
I
AM FUCKING TRASHC
I would do a fucking service to this fucking rock but getting rid of myself
Maybe then my parents wouldn't have to raise and waste more years on a fuck up
Because I am a fuck up
A royal fuck up
I could cry all fucking day about how I'm sad
And anxious
And lonelu
And use it as some half assed excuse to be a fuck up
Because let's be frank for a second
I didn't fucking study today
I crammed tonight
And I'm expecting good marks
Good night
And we'll do this again
Tomorrow
After dosing on those fucking tiktoks
I hate myself
Day 4
Day 5
I still can't shit
My friend wants me to distract her crush/situationship/whatevers friend
I'm not up to it
Despite my obsessive ramblings about needing love
Guess I'm still willing to stay and wallow in my shell
But what the hell
What's the worse thing that happens
We'll check back on that statement post November 28th
Anyways
Situationships and casual love is a fucking scam, it's unhealthy and inmature.
And dating because you're bored is no reason to date
I like this little stomach bug I have
Keeps me off food
Guarantees that I'll shed a few kilos
Maths is going to cook me
You ever just get like... Tired of the People in your life?
I think I'm going to become a recluse and enjoy solitude
I am
Fuggin
Unsure
My friend needs me to entertain this hun and flirt with her so that she can get alone time with her lady friend
I can't flirt for shit
Because I'm fucking weird
I'm still the weird fuck who sits and plays pretend in his room
Who plays fucking imaginary games in the garden and acts like he's in an action movie
I'm weird man
I'm the outlier
Among
All this shit
I'm a fucking weird
Everyone my age wants to hang out and party and get gfs
I want companionship, an escape to the mountains, to wear suits and write
Well I ain't been writing because I'm undisciplined and lazy asf
And will complain and do fuck all about it
I'm lost and near fucking purposeless
I seem to lack basic social et3
Etiquette
day 8
I'd be lying if I never said that there were temptations
I will break 10 days
then 15
It's sickening that it got this bad
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
i can't fucking study
I was supposed to study last night but half assed it
at least the threat of 15 has made me stay away from it
if I make it to a month then the toll will go up to 20
If I fail I bleed for it
each month clean will up my tally by ten
I will not fucking fail
I will not
I am done with it all
I don't know the need to sit here
I don't need to type
I want to
welp
I got a busy day ahead
I'll check back when I feel like shit?
My phone dry asf
Day 9
You'll never find love you lowly sack of shit
Each day you clamber on to some semblance of hope or a fantasy
You are doomed to your mind
Your dreams of love will never become a reality
Never will you gaze into the eyes of a women and find a pair who seek comfort in yours
You are worthless
You are far
Fst
Fat
You are stupid
You are a troll
An oaf who is damned to his ways
Your death would be a service to the soil
It would alliviate the world of any and all who have the misfortune of communicating with you, let alone regarding you as a friend
You want a love letter? Here's one
Fuck you
You're lazy
You're incompetent
And you're a fuck up
Fuck you Uzart
You'll never be great
Each time you make progress it's YOU who sabotages it
Fucks it up
Every weight in the gym for what?
So that you can scoff down a fucking sleeve of Pringles?
All the money spent to educate and tutor you just so that you can fuck up and act a fool
Be lazy
And fuck around
You break EVERYTHING
you're given
Phones
Earphones
Trust
Go fuck yourself
You will die alone
You will achieve nothing
You will fucking die on a mattress in a dingy apartment
You are a fuck up
A royal fuck up
You are a bitch
A weasel
An illness to all around you
Every person who's been around you is repulsed by you
You've been a bad man
A horrid son
And a terrible friend
You've fucked them over at all turns
Without a care in the world
Let's run down the fucking list shall we?
This includes everyone in your life
You've been a sarcastic jerk off who's been more than willing to take cheap shots at people but get pressed when they fuck with you
You were horrible to her over her fucking hobbies
Like a lifeless loser
You conspired against your own fucking friend and made a document about him
When your other friend was fixing his life you thought lowly of him, said shit behind his back and dissed his ex like a bitch
You've been a weak weaseled bitch who doesn't have the balls to make friends so you leech off of their established groups
You have no etiquette and have the mouth of a fucking dirty rat
You're not funny
You're just obnoxiously loud and swear too much
Ironic considering the shows that you critique for the same things
You're an embarrassment
And you do not deserve what you have
You are a knave
You are a cur
You should go fuck yourself
You dumb mother fucker
Your father's line will die out on a wasted sperm like you
You are filth
You are filth
And no one will ever truly like you
No one
Will love you
Do you understand
No women
Will ever look at you with love in their eyes
All they will see is a short dicked, pig faced, hairy, chump who sits and wastes himself on material
I'd ask you to starve yourself but you don't have the self control to stay yourself off of food
You lousy
Lump
Of lard
You are a disgrace to your family
Your religion
Your race
Your name
And all those associated with you
Fuck you Uzart
You lowlife piece of shit
Die alone
And die with a gun to your head or a noose around your neck
You fucking lowlife prick
Now go pull that fucking all nighter you failure of a human being
Fuck you
I wonder if this is healthy
I will consult a therapist this summer
What if I am to waste it all now?
I have say
20 for failure
Maybe another five for good measure
No
You fool
Don't prove yourself right
Forgo this shit
Head the 25 you fool!
I want to shove a gun in my mouth and pull the fucking trigger
Day 10...
I'm still fat
But I look better
Still fat
But we look better
Do not be content
We need to do more work
Fuck you Uzart
You fucking attention seeking cunt
Leave people alone
And stop clambering for attention like you're some fucking puppy dog
Go eat
You fat fuck
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
WHY
FUCK
FUCK
FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCJ
Preparations for the toll will be made
We will begin
Soon
It will begin
My toll will be mighty
I am shit
For what I fucking did
I deserve every single fucking cut
I will bleed
God, I type like an illiterate fuck
You fucking ruined it
I hate you for it
Fuck you
You lousy fuck
I don't feel like I belong
On a lot of the gcs and servers
I feel like an outlier among them
I feel like my presence hinders them
There's no click
Just gcs
I think I'll leave soon
Maybe leave it all
Ill stick around here and maybe my own places
I'm done with all the discord moderator nonsense
It was fun while it lasted
My mental is on the slow decline
I can't show my legs to anyone now because I'm afraid that they'll see it all
And I'm not sleeping
I'm not happy
So i just need some time off
And
Yeah
It's not good
It's not terrible
But it's definitely not good
Time to lift
You are fucking worthless
You are a failure
Learn to spell you dumb fuck
20 passes
Get to it
Fucking dirty and disgusting pig
Remember what you are
You are filth
You are failure
You are a sheep to it
Don't stop
You have 5 more to go Uzart
You never had to
But you did
And your toll must be paid
You dirty
Ugly
Fuck
Youll never learn
Until you do
You will pay
Everytime
You ugly fucker
55
Tallies
I am filth
You are a fucking joke
You should not be here right now
Lousy fucker
10 more
Because you are lost
And you are nothing but a sack of shit
You are a fuck up
A no good fuck up
You are selfish
You are attention seeking
You are a piece of shit
Who begs for attention and laughs
You are a loser
Who sits and cuts himself as punishment
You could have a girlfriend
You could be getting good grades
But you are fucking it up
Like always
You fucking mistake
You should die
Cutting your fat fucking thigh
I know you won't stop but it will remind you
Every
Fucking day
Of how weak you are
How fucking worthless and bitter you are
How little you contribute to this fucking world
Besides making people's lives more of a burden
Stop telling people about your problems
Shut your fucking mouth
Worthless fuck
Fuck
I got blood on the duvet
I'm not fucking happy
Next week
I'll have a plan
I will work out
Till exhaustion
Or I'll try
Time to
Uhm
You're a degenerate
19
Tallies
We must remind ourselves
I hate you
Begin
It was a bloody task
More than 100 cuts deep
The blade has slowly corroded
But it will serve
And it will remind
That I will not escape my punishment
No matter how bloody
No matter how long I wait
Tonight I nearly went for my arm
In my hands lies the blade that could slit my wrist
I could kill myself
In that bed
I could wake up as alive
And die
I could kill myself
I could the veins are right there
Just one cut
And I bleed out
But not like that
I need to leave behind a note or something
I need them to know
If I were to do it
I would preferably do it with drugs
I'd record a video addressing the people in my life
Then I'd hit up the online people
Tell them that I would end it
Id inform her to give my friend Jason this to keep
My phone would go to my friends
And I would make it clear
They will have access to my discord account
I want them to enter any servers or past servers I was in and confirm my death
As for my funeral I would more or less guage the reactions
But this isn't a stunt for attention
I'd probably go to hell
Suicide is a no Bueno in islaam
But in honesty I wasn't the best believer
I was shit
I am shit
Anyways
I don't know what would happen at school.
I wonder if they would pay attention
Would there be an announcement?
How would my parents cope?
So many questions
So many scenarios
How would they feel?
Jason and Co
Everyone in my class
My grandmother
Great grandmother
My uncles
All of them
I was supposed to be the golden boy
According to what I perceive and what I've been allegedly told
I want all of my friends at my funeral
Jason
A
P
K
(I redacted the others for privacy)
Jason is a common name however
Id like for Jason to keep in contact with my online friends
Just for a bit
I'm saying this
With a deadpan expression and no tears in my eyes
There's these thoughts
But not the emotions
I'm numb as always
Anyways
Time to binge tiktok and make myself feel shittier
Oh
Random thing
Uhm
I hate how I look in pictures
I look fat and ugly
Just remember that
You're fat and ugly
And you deserve every cut
You fucking mistake
Wtf man
Don't fucking tell them
I told you
Not to fucking tell them
DON'T
FUCKING
TELL THEMV
I don't know what to feel anymore
Even as I look into the screen
It feels fake
But there's a reason why I do it
It's probably habit now
The thought of killing myself is unsettling
I don't think I'd do it in a rush
I don't think that the damage it would do to my friends and family would be worth it
I think that having my mother find me dead in a bathtub or a bed would NOT be a nice thought
Jeez
Anyways
I'm off to study
Aaaaaand
We back
Cramming time
Business paper 2
7 sections
1 cup of coffee
2 cup of tea
Some electrolytes and a chocolate
We locked in
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
YEAAAAAAAAAAH BUDDY
It's 12:07
I'm so fucking tired
Only 1 section fully studied
I had to give up the section on ownership
That shit is too much
And I can't afford to lose
I am so fucked
I'm so fucking hungry
Also
New gym thing is happening
I've become a Mike Mentzer enjoyer and I'm trying out his routines.
Let day was intesnee
My typing
Good grief
I just gotta study my ass off
But uhm
The tally is 10
So that's gonna fucking hurt
Uhhhhh
Coast is clear
I can go back to studying
Good golly gosh
I'm sleeping tomorrow
After that fuckass exam
I give up
Im not like really happy
I'm still feeling pretty tired
And kind of feel like shit
Does thinking about my death mean I'm suicidal?
I think about it
Even if it's not me killing myself
I think about my funeral
I know it would shock a lot of people
I want my phone to go to my friends
My discord will go to my friends