haiii’s journal | Huddle | Page 1

granite warren Feb 19, 2025, 2:55 AM

#

feel free to dm me about anything or even if you want to talk or need help :3 TW ||self-harm, suicidal thoughts||

#

i feel like this could be a place where i can write out my emotions so it can help me better understand them

#

i’ve been thinking about wether or not starting one of these but i know only a few people will ever read it so it’s ok

#

i’ve felt great recently. i normally never feel like this

#

i always feel exhausted and burnt out not being able to do anything

#

im glad i feel good but i know that eventually ill fail and go back to feeling horrible

#

i recently redownloaded discord after not having it for a few years. i always had a stigma that the people on the platform are kind of weird and it is kind of true

#

but this server taught be that not everyone on here is mean and selfish

#

and that there are nice and considerate people out there

granite warren Feb 19, 2025, 5:27 AM

#

i don’t like thinking of myself so lowly all the time but i wonder what do people really think about me

#

like i know that only my close friends know how i really am and i always try to be a nice person

#

but i feel like others must not like me or think im weird.

#

i feel sometimes as if im not meant to be here

#

like i should’ve left long ago

#

and that i’ve failed everyone and never done anything if significance in my life

#

i know that it’s bad to compare yourself to others but i feel that no one will ever be able to love me

#

or that i i’ll never be able to relate and connect with someone on a super personal level to were they know everything about me and ill be able to be fully comfortable with them

#

and sometimes i feel like it’ll be nice to have someone like that to talk to

#

but it’s up until recently that i realized that im truly alone all the time, i rarely have friends that check up on me. i only have a handful of them. everyday feels the same. im by myself most of the time were i live. and i dont really have someone i can truly tell everything to. i just keep a lot of it to myself without being able to express it

#

but sometimes it feels good to be alone. but not all the time

granite warren Feb 19, 2025, 6:43 AM

#

idk if anyone else thinks about this but sometimes i think about becoming a femboy

#

like im not gay and im comfortable with my sexuality but its the cross-dressing part

#

i think about this a lot sometimes

#

i know deep down that i’ll probably never go through with this but a part of me thinks about it

#

i know that it’s about gender expression and i feel like i might be more comfortable with myself like this

#

school tomorrow😞

#

idk but one day i’ll eventually be comfortable with my body and who i am

granite warren Feb 19, 2025, 8:20 AM

#

im so tired of rumination, its like i cant do a single thing throughout the day without being constantly reminded of something bad and having to keep reminding myself of good things. i CANT go to sleep

granite warren Feb 20, 2025, 1:14 AM

#

im home now but i had a conversation that made me feel SUPER uncomfortable

granite warren Feb 20, 2025, 1:30 AM

#

i don’t like it when someone says something and now it stays with you for the rest of your day

granite warren Feb 20, 2025, 2:04 AM

#

idk but i sometimes wonder how would it be if i was born a girl

#

sometimes thinking about it brings me comfort loveblob

granite warren Feb 20, 2025, 3:47 AM

#

my head won’t stop im so tired of it

#

it gets like this everyday it won’t stop

#

im starting to get that empty heavy feeling again

#

i know that before i go to bed, im going to bawl my eyes out

#

i don’t know why. i feel so sad right now

#

everything is getting to my head

#

it feels like so much stuff is hitting me all at once

granite warren Feb 20, 2025, 7:29 AM

#

i feel like crying and letting everything out but i just can’t

#

im tired

#

i want to talk to someone in real life about my problem but i can’t. it feels right that i should but i care too much about other people for them to worry about me

#

im sure no one cares about me that much that if anything happens to me, they’ll be worried

#

i like to try to think optimistic and positive. that there probably is at least one person who really cares but i don’t know

#

im starting to feel scared of me breaking. i dont want to relapse. i dont know why my head makes me feel these things. im i just worse than everyone else.

#

is my head just one big mistake that ruins everything for me. is it even supposed to be like this.

granite warren Feb 20, 2025, 2:47 PM

#

i woke up about 35 minutes ago and im barely getting out of bead. i still feel tired, its like i can only feel frustration and failure. am i not good enough for anyone, have i failed everyone.

#

everything else feels kind of numb

granite warren Feb 21, 2025, 2:56 AM

#

i feel like i disappointed everyone

#

i came home late and now i’m super tired

#

no one’s ever home. im always by myself all the time with no one to ever talk to

#

it’s like when anything bad happens to me, i go home and it’s an excuse for me cry and feel sad. and then i remember everything bad about me and how i just push myself back all the time

#

im i that much of a failure. i cant do anything right, anything i try to do to even interact with others doesnt work. i try helping someone and i end up feeling worse

#

i almost feel asleep in the middle of class but half an hour after that it hit me. i felt zoned out and separated from everyone else. like if i was a ghost or in my own bubble.

#

and i look at the others in my classroom and it seems that they are either envious of eachother or care about eachother so much.

#

in a way, it feels like everyone is connected, no matter what.

#

that everyone is on the same “frequency” or something like that

#

and then i started thinking about how it would be if i just wasn’t here anymore

#

like if im pushing anyone back.

#

i just want everyone to feel better but it feels like nothing could help me. and i have had these feeling for years, they’ve only worsened

#

i really don’t want to relapse but i feel like it. it hasn’t even been a week yet since it.

#

im sorry if i write too much in these. i dont really have anyone to talk to. i dont want to bug anyone. so i write here

granite warren Feb 21, 2025, 3:34 AM

#

i just want to be a nicer person, more considerate and empathetic

#

i don’t really want to say this. but i think that sometimes the world would be better if i were to end my life

granite warren Feb 21, 2025, 7:38 AM

#

tomorrow marks one week sh free

#

i still get urges

#

i never cut my face because it’s too noticeable but i feel like even if i do, no one would care due to how i look

#

if i were to cut my face, then maybe that’ll make me feel better about my body

#

why do i keep doing this to myself

#

i don’t want to do this anymore. im so tired i want to bawl my eyes out and nothing is coming out. i dont want to sh again. i just want someone to hug me and tell me everything’s going to be alright. monday i was so happy and now its about to be friday, it feels now that i should jump off my roof.

#

i feel like it would be best if i just disappear from everyone’s life, not die but just leave far away. and isolate myself, i already do it anyway

#

all i do all day is lie on my bed feeling exhausted

#

i do not want to do anything. i much rather relapse and tear my face off than go somewhere tomorrow.

#

sometimes i just want to stab the hole out of my chest

#

im so disgusting to look at

#

do i even deserve life. how do people put up with me, i cant do anything right.

#

i want to love others and be a beacon of joy and love for them

#

but im so horrible to look at. all my features just make me feel worse. i dont like cursing but im such a fucking loser

#

but now that i think about it, it’s what makes me me

#

gives me individuality

granite warren Feb 21, 2025, 8:21 AM

#

its late at night. i have the urge to go into my kitchen and start cutting myself all over my body

#

im so tired i want everything to just pause

#

time freezing. and me being able to have some kind of solace with that i have

#

the more i think about it
the more i build up courage to run a knife across my leg repeatedly.
the pain i caused to myself outside doesn’t compare to the pain and numbness i feel inside.
i use cutting as a outlet to make my head more clear and focus on something that isint on the inside.
it’s kind of like an emotional fountain in a way.
if i focus on the pain outside then i wont feel as numb in the inside.
today marks one week self harm free

#

last time i did it, i cut myself around 10 or 11 times

#

all in the same area.
the time i did i it before that, i cut myself over 20 times.

granite warren Feb 21, 2025, 9:07 AM

#

it feels like the only thing that awaits me is death
i have nothing of much importance
i’ll never get to experience how it is to truly live.
i always feel caged in and limited.
i’ll never get to experience what it’s like to be held by someone you love and be told that everything’s ok

#

i do not know who i am now

#

i cried 3 times today but i want to bawl my eyes out. i feel that it might help me more than cutting myself

#

hahaha what do you know, im crying again. i want to grab my head and slam myself against the wall until i die.

granite warren Feb 22, 2025, 4:21 AM

#

today is a new day which gives an opportunity to change and be a better person.

granite warren Feb 23, 2025, 5:57 AM

#

today was a little bit better. i went out today!!!

#

i don’t have much to talk about today, but i ate pizza

granite warren Feb 23, 2025, 7:19 AM

#

isint it annoying when something just gets into your head and won’t come out

granite warren Feb 23, 2025, 5:09 PM

#

i don’t know how to describe this feeling but i feel happy!!!

granite warren Feb 23, 2025, 5:48 PM

#

thinking about how people change over time.
like i used to be such a weird person who was full of hate.
now i see myself at the total opposite, i think about spreading love and that everyone is a beacon or source of love.

#

and crazily enough, now i think about transitioning sometimes. but i don’t i’ll go through with it

#

or idk maybe i’ll just crossdress instead when i get older

granite warren Feb 24, 2025, 3:07 AM

#

i feel a little bit overwhelmed but i’ll feel better later

granite warren Feb 24, 2025, 11:21 PM

#

surprisingly, todays been a good day

#

i did oversleep today though. but since i slept more, it made me feel better. i’ve been feeling way better than usual over the past few days.

granite warren Feb 26, 2025, 12:04 AM

#

making clam chowder!!!!

granite warren Feb 26, 2025, 6:47 AM

#

today was alright. i don’t feel as good anymore. i feel tired

granite warren Feb 27, 2025, 1:11 AM

#

i can’t wait to play five nights at freddy’s

granite warren Feb 27, 2025, 10:45 PM

#

i crave five nights at freddy’s

#

i played it yesterday and it was peak. i must play it again today

granite warren Feb 28, 2025, 6:01 AM

#

oh my gosh i wish my head could stop

#

how do i get things out of my head. they keep coming back and i don’t want them anymore they keep coming back and won’t stop. they won’t get out of my head it feels like im hanging off of a ledge.

#

i don’t want to relapse either but that helps me get things out of my head. how do i stop it

#

how do i clear my head make it stop

#

i’ve been hitting my head all day and it won’t stop. i just want to be a better person please stop

granite warren Feb 28, 2025, 4:53 PM

#

i don’t want to sound judgemental or anything but some people are so evil and disgusting

#

i don’t understand how some people could be so wrong in so many ways.

granite warren Mar 1, 2025, 1:39 AM

#

my head was not as bad as yesterday. but it could still calm down some more

#

i don’t want to sound weird or anything but i wonder how my life would be if i had a partner. just someone who would get me and understand me. ill finally be able to connect with someone on a personal level. be able to do everything with them for the rest of my life

#

they’re able to comfort me and i’ll be able to comfort them

#

and tell eachother everything about ourselves. i would love that

granite warren Mar 1, 2025, 4:48 AM

#

2 weeks self harm free! unless if hitting your head repeatedly counts

granite warren Mar 2, 2025, 7:59 AM

#

today was alright, i did a couple of things but that’s it

granite warren Mar 3, 2025, 6:20 AM

#

today was kind of the same

granite warren Mar 3, 2025, 7:29 AM

#

i feel like if i admit it or get it off my chest then ill feel better. but everytime i get a bad thought or something i really dont like it never leaves my head and i either hit my head or spit all the saliva in my mouth out. or ill do both. i cant stop and the thoughts keep getting into my head and have only gotten worse over the months. my head wont ever stop and i feel constantly at the edge of my seat.

#

normally, cutting myself would stop it because it’ll give me something more serious to focus on and it will just suppress and help me forget about everything. it would make me feel bad and help me deal with the emotions i have inside and i’ll feel better the few days after i do it.

#

but i stopped cutting a little over 2 weeks ago. and i dont want to do it again. the thoughts have only kept me awake and up at night.

#

i feel like it’ll help if i talk to someone about these thoughts i keep getting but im just too much of a loser and embarrassed to do so. it’s really personal so idk. but it’ll help to talk

#

plus nobody really cares irl. they just go on with their day like im not here.

#

normally crying too helps me but i haven’t cried in a week or so.

#

just writing this out is kind of helping me but it’s giving me more things to think and worry about. maybe those are just things i suppressed for a while. i just really want to talk to someone sometimes about my problems, but i don’t want them to worry.

granite warren Mar 3, 2025, 7:51 AM

#

i talk way too much. does any of this matter

granite warren Mar 3, 2025, 9:03 AM

#

oh my days i can’t go to sleep

granite warren Mar 4, 2025, 5:00 AM

#

i ruin everything. i just cut myself again after promising myself not to 2 weeks ago. i feel so horrible and guilty now. i failed and failed everyone around me. i try my best to help everyone and all i do is just make things worse. is this how it’s supposed to be, i can never have anything good because it’s always taken from me

#

why can’t things turn out good for once. do i just ruin everything i interact with. am i not meant to be here. i’m so exhausted and i know that the people around me must hate me. i feel horrible with them having to put up with me.

#

everyday is just the same thing with little to nothing chasing every day

#

i’m such a loser and a failure. how is anyone supposed to even think about me in a good way. i want to cry so bad but i cant

#

i don’t deserve any of this. i feel like i take everything for granted. someone deserves this more than i do.

#

i don’t deserve this body. all i do is put it to no use and cut it.

granite warren Mar 4, 2025, 8:34 AM

#

i’m slowly completely giving up on myself. everyone must be disappointed in me. i feel so embarrassed and sorry. nobody deserves this, i shouldn’t have to be here to make others feel worse. maybe if i wasn’t here then things would just get better. everyone would just be better off without me. everyone has moved foward without me and ive been stuck.

#

nobody deserves to have to put up with me. i can’t do anything right and i probably won’t ever be anything in life. i should just stay away from everyone for a long time.

#

all i’ve ever done is waste other people’s time. i’m so sorry.

#

i’m sobbing and now i have this immense guilt that i know is going to eat me for a while

granite warren Mar 5, 2025, 5:28 AM

#

i don’t feel as bad as yesterday

#

today was a little bit better.

granite warren Mar 6, 2025, 6:21 AM

#

today was kind of the same

#

there’s not much to talk about these past 2 days

granite warren Mar 6, 2025, 8:15 AM

#

i just watched this youtube asmr video that helped me a lot. it created some kind of thing in me

#

it taught me a lot

#

breath in long hold then breath out let everything

#

if something is bothering you or rumination or something like that, look at it instead of suppressing it, let it go, and let it be

#

you don’t have to agree with it, it doesn’t define you. so by looking at it, you know how to deal with it

#

look at things and let them be. accept them.

#

don’t worry about anything. even if their in or out of my control

#

it taught me more but i can’t remember everything. and that’s ok. even if i can’t do something, it’s ok. it’s normal for things to be like that. and that makes us better people when we comfort others when they aren’t ok.

#

i would love to talk and help some of you, even hug you. i love you all and remember that you are loved

#

even if it’s just me who cares and loves you

granite warren Mar 7, 2025, 7:19 AM

#

i dread going to sleep at night sometimes because my mind won’t stop racing and it hurts

#

every night this happens. it gives me the worst thoughts i’ve ever had non-stop. please my head is in turmoil

granite warren Mar 8, 2025, 2:04 AM

#

i want to cut myself so bad right now. i can’t wait to grab that knife and run it across my skin again. i sometimes want to stab myself to death infront of everyone just to put some kind of message that i was never able to communicate to anyone. i want to stab myself so bad right now. i really just want to not be here anymore, i mess up everything even when i don’t mean to. i know my family and friends must hate me and i know they want less and less to do with me everyday.

#

im doing my best to not go with this huge urge i have

granite warren Mar 8, 2025, 8:00 AM

#

i didint end up doing it gladly but i had a huge urge to do it

#

my head keeps racing at night and it hurts

#

every new thing that comes to my head makes it hurt. i want it to go away make it stop. it starting to get worse now and this happens every single night

granite warren Mar 9, 2025, 4:22 AM

#

today was alright i went out

#

but there are some horrible people in the world. how can people be so bad

granite warren Mar 9, 2025, 6:45 AM

#

i’m back home now. does anyone else ever feel so bad when they go out. like all they’re thinking about is to go back home.

#

im feeing relieved right now laying on my bed

granite warren Mar 9, 2025, 8:25 AM

#

it’s happening again

#

i can’t go to sleep my mind wont stop

granite warren Mar 10, 2025, 3:01 AM

#

today was alright. better than normal. i just hope i don’t have trouble sleeping again

granite warren Mar 10, 2025, 5:04 AM

#

sometimes i can’t wait to socially isolate myself. a lot of the people around me are just mean and i don’t like being around them. everyone around me is kind of mean and there’s no one i know that isint so judgmental

#

like i would love to socially isolate myself for a week. just not be around anyone, no one judging me, no one that is bad, nothing bad happens, i won’t have to worry, i would love it so much

#

and i couldn’t mess up social interactions or make other people unentitionally feel worse because i wouldn’t be around anyone!

#

and i’m sure no one would want to be around me anyways. some of the people here on this server are some of the nicest people i’ve meet. i love you all

granite warren Mar 11, 2025, 3:05 AM

#

i actually slept alright, it was still kind of bad but i slept better than usual

#

i didint get a headache

granite warren Mar 11, 2025, 10:29 PM

#

i talked to two people that i used to be friends with today that i haven’t talked to in over a year

#

i can’t understand how horrible these people are. everything they said was criticizing my other friend

#

and all they were talking about was sex, like you are in high school. stop being a pervert and have some respect for others

granite warren Mar 12, 2025, 5:41 AM

#

i CANT stop thinking, why can’t my head ever stop

#

one of my biggest fears is being a bad person. and me talking to those people just keeps reminding me of that

granite warren Mar 12, 2025, 6:54 AM

#

i tried writing down my thoughts physically on paper in this small notebook. it helped a lot and slowed down and numbed down these thoughts

#

i think it’s because i’ve never done it before so writing down physically helped me more than tapping and looking at a screen

granite warren Mar 12, 2025, 12:03 PM

#

i woke up way earlier than normal and now im having these convulsions kind of with my head. i keep turning my head and it feels like my mind won’t get better without turning my head

#

i don’t want to sound ignorant or anything but i’ve noticed that i have a lot of the symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, i don’t want to say that i have it because i really do not want to have OCD but i have a lot of the signs and symptoms for it

#

i want to go to a doctor or something to get an evaluation of what’s wrong with me but i don’t think ill be able to until i turn 18

granite warren Mar 13, 2025, 3:54 AM

#

the laboratory wants me

#

the laboratory keeps contacting me

#

they want studies done in the laboratory

#

the laboratory… they want tests done

granite warren Mar 13, 2025, 5:55 AM

#

the laboratory is requesting me to come in

#

dear journal,

nyan :3 >w< meow

goodnight journal❤️

granite warren Mar 13, 2025, 7:42 AM

#

i can’t go to sleep but that’s alright

#

i feel overwhelmed everyday. like there’s heat waves in my head

#

but it’s only until late night that i sometimes feel better

#

i think it’s the more time i spend in my house, the better i feel

#

but it only really happens once i spend a long time alone in my house

#

i finally feel good

granite warren Mar 13, 2025, 8:47 AM

#

i still can’t sleep

#

it’s almost 2 am

#

good morning :3

#

granite warren Mar 13, 2025, 10:34 PM

#

today my friend showed me a disturbing video on twitter. i don’t have twitter and i don’t think i ever will but the video was disgusting and now it won’t get out of my head

granite warren Mar 13, 2025, 11:03 PM

#

im trying my best to forget it

granite warren Mar 14, 2025, 5:17 AM

#

i watched fnaf lore for like 3 hours

#

probably more

#

the video is still going, it’s 8 hours long. it’s so interesting

granite warren Mar 15, 2025, 6:48 AM

#

i started feeling empty again today. i do not know why but everything felt slow and empty.

#

nothing really bad happened. but i feel like sobbing for some reason

#

i just want to remind anyone who is reading that i love you

granite warren Mar 16, 2025, 5:23 AM

#

i don’t have much to write about either today. but it’s been alright. nothing to talk about. so here’s this photo of this!!!!

granite warren Mar 17, 2025, 6:01 AM

#

today was alrighty. a tiny bit better than normal. just kind of boring.

granite warren Mar 18, 2025, 3:52 AM

#

today was the same. everyday is slowly becoming the same.

#

i feel sad. like just kind of down. i do not know why

granite warren Mar 19, 2025, 5:23 AM

#

we may all be different but as long as we all love eachother then that’s all that matters

granite warren Mar 20, 2025, 5:29 AM

#

today was not the best.
i kept hitting my head alot and i was super frustrated earlier. i try to do my best, i want to help others, i want everyone to just be happy. but it’s like i get lost or disconnected and end up messing up everything. i don’t know anymore, i feel lost and keep messing up. i just want to make everyone happy or at least content with me. i try to make others smile and i mess it up. i try to help others but i just end up getting in the way. and whenever i get the opportunity to do something good, people just question me like if im weird for trying my best to help.

granite warren Mar 21, 2025, 6:14 AM

#

today felt the same. but it was a tiny bit better. but other than that it was the same. but instead of taking everything for granted, i will instead be grateful that i am alive right now.

granite warren Mar 21, 2025, 8:12 AM

#

i want to go to sleep so bad my head won’t stop. i feel like i have to do these movements and convulsions in order to get things out of my head. it hurts to think and things just end up bothering me and they cause these bad headaches. i already have such a problem with sleeping and my head won’t get better any time soon. it would feel good to stop thinking about anything for a tiny bit. like a blank mind for 5 minutes. it would be a relief if all these thoughts could finally part from me.

granite warren Mar 22, 2025, 3:07 AM

#

my disappointment is present and my sadness is immeasurable. i hoped for one thing to go right and it didint. i don’t want to self loath or be ungrateful but i failed. i’m not good for anything and i frankly don’t think ill ever succeed.

granite warren Mar 22, 2025, 5:46 AM

#

these last few days have been horrible and i know that when i wake up tomorrow, im going to hurt myself

#

it’s just very hard to accept something

#

i want it all to end

granite warren Mar 22, 2025, 9:35 AM

#

i still haven’t feel asleep

#

everything is getting to me. why must all of this happen to me. i’ve messed up everything in my life. i’ve let everyone down and disappointed everyone

#

get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out get out get out get out get out. please leave me alone. get out of my head. please leave my head. get out of my head. get out get out get out. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head. get out of my head

granite warren Mar 22, 2025, 9:57 AM

#

i want to cry
i want to hit things so bad
i do not want this anymore
i feel so confused

#

im tired of everything
i just want to disappear, like i want it to be by myself so badly. i do not feel like talking to anyone in real life. i want to stay inside all day with no one even where i am. i want to stay away from everyone. i just want my problems to leave. there’s so much evil people and things in this world. and it’s like one of the only good things are some of the people in this server

#

and every time i do talk to someone in real life, then they end up pushing me away or thinking im weird. am i that much of nuisance to some people?

granite warren Mar 22, 2025, 7:02 PM

#

i hope you have a blessed day. although i do not know if this is an insult or not. i still wish you the best

granite warren Mar 23, 2025, 6:10 AM

#

thank you mods for deleting that message

#

i have been thinking weather or not i am non-binary. i haven’t thought about it in a while but im questioning myself now

granite warren Mar 24, 2025, 3:20 AM

#

are people like this actually serious

granite warren Mar 25, 2025, 4:30 AM

#

today was ok. i feel a little bit better. but i did not sleep well at all. i want to sleep early today

granite warren Mar 26, 2025, 5:10 AM

#

today was kind of good

#

https://tenor.com/view/mkultra-mind-control-cat-face-gif-2481894448833856970

Tenor

granite warren Mar 27, 2025, 4:59 AM

#

i like to do posts daily but i literally have nothing much to talk about. i went to school and ate after, i hope you all had a blessed day and accomplish what you set out to do

granite warren Mar 28, 2025, 5:50 AM

#

#

this game is soo cool. it’s awesome, really awesome maybe

granite warren Mar 30, 2025, 1:43 AM

#

i missed a day of posting on this journal

#

https://tenor.com/view/crying-cat-sad-cat-me-when-i-dont-get-orod-tickets-gif-13399313231964052110

Tenor

granite warren Apr 1, 2025, 5:01 AM

#

i was thinking about it yesterday and realized that i don’t have to do something if i really don’t feel like it. an example could be this journal, i like to keep it updated everyday but no one really reads it and its meant to be a place for me to write out my thoughts and i’ve done anything but recently ive done anything but that. so i now know that i don’t have to do it. i just want to feel comfortable with myself so i wont do it, instead ill only do it if i feel like it

#

so now i’ll only do something if it benefits others or if it makes me feel more comfortable

#

if i’m uncomfortable with something, then it’s ok if i don’t do it

granite warren Apr 2, 2025, 5:13 AM

#

i made this edit today of tsukumizu’s animation gallery

#

i could’ve spent more time on it but it was fun making it

granite warren Apr 3, 2025, 2:10 AM

#

i feel like i’m finally starting to get better

#

i’ve been improving a lot over the past couple of weeks. and attempted to try and care for myself more

#

my head hasn’t had any major crazy swings and i don’t feel as tired as normal

#

i still have lots of trouble sleeping but it’s not as bad as how it was before.
it’s still hard to fall asleep but instead of going to bed at 10:30 and finally being able to fall sleep at 2AM
i now go to bed at 10:30 and fall asleep around 12:40

granite warren Apr 4, 2025, 5:38 AM

#

here’s another edit i made today. i like this one kind of more and its longer. i dont think ill edit any more of tsukumizu’s work anymore. but i did like making this

#

i’m trying to fall asleep and my head hurts

granite warren Apr 7, 2025, 3:25 AM

#

it’s like the only time i’m sad i can really get my thoughts straight

#

i feel real when i’m sad. like im actually here feeling things and just not a body on autopilot anymore

granite warren Apr 8, 2025, 5:47 AM

#

#

this is how the shelf in my room looks like. i love putting little cool things on it. i wake up and look at it for motivation

#

i’m starting to slowly think that i might have OCD. i’m being so serious, i have such a hard time getting thoughts outside of my head, i feel so stressed and that something it’s just heating my brain all the time, i do this thing where i spit to get my mind clear or grab my forehead then rub my hands on a corner to get it off of me, i have such a hard time controlling my breathing that i forget to breath sometimes, i feel super stressed for no reason if i do none of these things, i have to keep self soothing myself so i don’t get all jumpy and stressed, i keep purposely not shaking people’s hands or even saying hi to them because im afraid that it’ll hurt me (but i try my best to do so anyway so i can help them out with their day), i literally can’t enjoy my day without doing specific things or else i feel on the edge.

#

i feel that i would never really tell anyone that knows me in real life. maybe i should tell someone about my problem. that’ll most likely help me. i just need to build the courage to do so

#

something i like to do is keep telling myself in my head that “these are only thoughts and i don’t have to obey them” or “this doesn’t come from me and will eventually leave me”

#

if anyone is going though something similar like this or has any ways of helping me or even just wants to talk, then message me! i love talking to you!

#

i feel better about typing this stuff out and finally getting it off my chest

#

i want to take a break. like rest from everything for a few days. a while without me in real life.

#

everytime i come home, i do this thing where i put away all my stuff and my clothes in a specific way, i feel stressed after doing it but if i don’t then i feel super stressed

#

when something like this happens, i tend to tell myself that “everything is ok, none of this matters and doesn’t effect you. you don’t have to do something that makes you uncomfortable.”

#

something like that

#

if i never forget or don’t feel like it, ill write out what im thinking about or feeling to get it to stop here

#

i’m about to turn on my alarm for tomorrow and it’s already triggering something in me.

#

maybe i should stay off social media as a whole, there’s a lot of stuff that triggers me there

granite warren Apr 8, 2025, 6:34 AM

#

now that i’m thinking about it. i haven’t had really any suicidal thoughts recently. i really only get one a day and i brush it off after a minute. i think it’s because i haven’t self harmed in over 30 days.

#

i still hit my head. but i haven’t cut myself on purpose

#

so that’s progress!!!

granite warren Apr 13, 2025, 6:30 AM

#

i found that telling myself “its ok” while doing something that normally triggers me helps me

#

it sort of tells me that what i’m doing doesn’t have to hurt me and that i’ll get through it

granite warren Apr 16, 2025, 5:01 AM

#

im starting to realize that i’ve been spending all of my spare time rotting away in my bed trying to make my head feel better

#

maybe i should be more productive. i should breath more. i want to help others and do good but i do not do anything about it.

#

yet, there is not much i could do. if you ever need to talk. im here. i love you all

granite warren Apr 24, 2025, 12:29 AM

#

it’s been a while (not really) but i learned how to control my compulsions a lot

granite warren Apr 25, 2025, 5:40 AM

#

sadly, there are mean and bad people in life but there will always be good people too! do not let anyone stop you from being the best version of yourself. you are important, cool, awesome, amazing, and wonderful. i love you so much

granite warren Apr 25, 2025, 7:04 AM

#

someone just asked me for help. and when i tried to help i just fail. i really try my best to make everyone happy but i guess it’s not possible to make everyone happy.

granite warren Apr 25, 2025, 8:05 AM

#

i love all of you so much. i really do. i want all of you to be happy. words can’t describe how much i care about every single one of you. all of you are so cool and amazing. whatever you are going through, know that you can reach out to me and i will do my best to help. i love all of you!

#

negative self talk affects you more than you think. you are enough

granite warren Apr 26, 2025, 7:25 AM

#

it felt just like wednesday i was so happy like i was finally improving and going somewhere in life and it’s now all ruined. i try to be as helpful as i can and i just mess everything up. i hear a lot about positive affirmations, one of them being “you’re not broken” and i really start to think about it. what if i am broken like something is just wrong with me and will never leave me. i can’t even eat without my head just getting in the way. i feel like i say something and the person listening hears it completely different. am i seeing things? is this conversation real? is it just all an episode? my head just ruins things for everyone else. i try to be as loving to everyone as i can but it’s like something is just stopping other people. it’s like some people are just so used to being bad. i try to be as positive as i can but i can’t even use my own advice.

#

i feel like i just really need help. im so deprived of everything. i dont like self loathing but its hard to not see whats wrong with me and why my body just refuses to improve. i feel so exhausted in days where i do nothing. i have trouble just doing the simplest of tasks because my head gets in the way. just today i couldn’t wash my dishes because my head just wouldn’t allow me to. i can’t hold a conversation without my head ruining it. i can’t even stay still without my head hurting me. i had such a large urge to cut myself today and i refused to.

#

i really want to just run something against my leg until i could finally feel it

#

i just want something that will finally make my head clear

#

i’ve started thinking about death more and more. i used to feel way worse before, but when i would think about death, i would not really want to end my life but i wouldn’t mind if it just ended

#

but i really want to gain appreciation and value for being alive

#

i feel better just from typing this out. i know that when im done typing this. i might just finish folding my clothes and lie down in my bed where ill repeatedly hit my head against something. i’ve had these clothes out for so long and haven’t folded them just because my head doesn’t allow me to. i’ve messed up too many times and ruined things for others too much. i love you all, and care about all of you. really i do. i love talking to some of you people. i genuinely feel better after talking to some of you. some of you are some of the nicest people ive meet and i really appreciate you. you are awesome and keep going i love you all

granite warren May 2, 2025, 7:28 AM

#

sometimes i really wonder if i would be better off or not ending my life. will i really ever get to experience things without my head getting in the way

#

i do not like thinking about it but then i tell myself that sometimes it could be worse

#

i just wish things would finally get better. i do not want to sound ungrateful or anything. i just wish my head was better. i have trouble doing the simplest things.

#

but there’s a picture i really think about

#

#

i kind of find the format wierd (because of the photo on the right) but it really speaks to me

granite warren May 8, 2025, 7:07 AM

#

it has been a while, i want to just become a better person. why is it so hard to be a positive loving person when people around you want you to hate. people around you have so much prejudice. people around you have so much hate.

#

i want to separate myself from everything bad. i just want to help people. i just want the best for everyone.

#

if any of you want help, please do not be afraid to reach out to anyone. people around you love and care about you so much. things might not be ok and that’s ok.

#

this past week has been exhausting. i want to disappear and leave everything behind. i felt like relapsing so bad. it has been a long time since i relapsed and i had such the urge a few days ago.

#

if any of you actually read these, i love you so much. to anyone who doesn’t, i love you so much. i love you all. i really really really love you. i want the absolute best for all of you

#

i really feel like crying right now. i want to let everything out but nothings coming out

granite warren May 9, 2025, 4:10 AM

#

i’m so tired

#

i’m so exhausted

#

i don’t want to do another day

#

i don’t think i can do another day. i’m so tired of everything

granite warren May 13, 2025, 3:31 AM

#

there’s this one guy at my school and will NOT stop making fun of me. ever little thing he has to point out and make fun of. today i mentioned that the beach is colder because the wind blows first through it and this guy calls me a nerd. i get one little thing wrong about something and calls me a dumbass. every single day this guy makes fun of something about me, wether that would be my looks (he ALWAYS calls me ugly), my family, my friends, me, my actions even if they are good (he hates good people), or anything i’m in support of (he hates gay people). i’m so tired of him and he makes my day so much worse. it makes me feel empty. all he does is make fun of other people. it makes me more aware of everthing wrong with me and whatever he said keeps replaying in my head. i do not want to be a bad person like him. i’m so tired of everything. i am already trying my best to even be alive and not take my life already and he’s just making it worse. i can’t wait until i graduate and no longer have to see him. i want to be a good person and he just hates on me for trying to be one. why must you be so hateful. he’s everything i don’t want to be ever. please help me

granite warren May 14, 2025, 5:45 AM

#

i feel a little bit better today. i shaved my legs yesterday out of curiosity and to see how it feels. it feels really cool. i could move smoother and i feel a little bit better about my body

granite warren May 15, 2025, 5:41 AM

#

i just relapsed right now

#

it’s been over 70 days and i relapsed. i just did it two minutes ago. i know i will really regret this later

#

it’s the first time i ever did it on my chest. i hope to finally feel something else but regret, sadness, and being trapped

#

i could finally think straight

granite warren May 21, 2025, 6:27 AM

#

yesterday i listened to an asmr video about transitioning and i actually felt good about myself for once. i wasn’t worried about anything and i didint feel like there was something trapped inside of me

#

i don’t really want to transition but i feel like it’ll make me more comfortable with who i am

granite warren Jun 3, 2025, 5:06 AM

#

i relapsed really bad last week and my thumb now has stitches, i am really sick, and have been so busy this past two weeks. i want a day where i can be lazy and rest

granite warren Jun 19, 2025, 8:56 AM

#

my life is in absolute shambles i feel horrible and can’t do anything without feeling so much anxiety and stress. i can’t take it anymore. my head keeps telling me “if you do this then you’ll be a bad person” or “you have to do this to be a good person” it eats everything of my day. it’s like i wake up and instantly clock in to a shift in hell. this is soo draining and my head won’t stop. i’m so convinced i have ocd. please leave my head i am so tired. months that feel like years that i’ve had to struggle with this. everyday gets harder and it’s like i have to fight something that i dont want to. i just want to die. if this is life then i dont want to live it. i dont want to sound selfish either. i’m disgusted with myself why cant these thoughts go away. please leave. i’m starting to cry now. i can’t take this anymore

#haiii’s journal