lee's 15th journal | Huddle | Page 1

spring nexus Feb 23, 2025, 6:35 AM

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lee's 15th journal

spring nexus Mar 5, 2025, 12:03 AM

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i hate myself

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why cant i ever be satisfied

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i was crying because of it and my mom just left me there

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my life isnt bad at all

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so why am i like this

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i cant keep my room arranged in a certain way for even a week

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i cant keep a journal

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even online ones

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i cant write or draw or play games

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plus i struggle with hygiene

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not as bad as it used to be in 2022

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but still

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im also horribly sick right now

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im a freak

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im chubby

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im ugly and stupid and weird

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i want to kill myself

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even more than that i want to cut myself

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when i used to cut myself it was just amazing for me

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i was never bored because my heart was always racing and i was so close to death

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i would use pencil sharpener blades which arent that strong

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except for this one that i used to have

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i got a styro on my first slice and i hid it in my drawer

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the dull ones which gave cat scratches were out in the open

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i kinda forgot about the strong one until i cleaned my depression room

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and now i have five large healed styro cuts on my arm and thigh

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my mom obviously found out

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i dont have the blade anymore and honestly im kind of glad about that

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but id do anything to have it back

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that was the only thing keeping me sane

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that and the mental hospital

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after my first styro i was sent there for the first time

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that experience was pretty great

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but it isnt the same for everyone

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which is why i advise anyone who is reading this to never go there unless its really needed

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i ended up going there 5 times in total

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i had to beg my mom to send me back

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she hated being apart from me

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in the mental hospital i discovered a new habit though

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scratching myself

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it left a huge scar and made me bleed a lot

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only recommended if you enjoy picking at scabs and watching yourself bleed every so often

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but no

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it burns a lot

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the scars are faint in the end and theyre kind of pretty but no

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just no okay

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after that i ended up getting my first tattoo even if im only 15

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my mom gave me permission because she thought it would get rid of my masochistic thoughts

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it didnt

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ill send a picture of it though

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it hurt a lot after i got numb so i asked for the artist to end it early

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thats why its kind of messed up

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it doesnt mean anything really

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in the mental hospital i learned two other methods instead of scratching

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folding tin foil until it gets sharp and using the thin end of heated pearler beads to reopen cuts

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dont do that by the way

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i need to take a shower

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and rearrange my room

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so ill do that

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bye

spring nexus Mar 5, 2025, 12:44 AM

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shower is done

spring nexus Mar 5, 2025, 1:21 AM

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room is done

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i want to get high now

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and oddly enough i dont want to cut anymore

spring nexus Mar 5, 2025, 11:11 PM

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im upset with myself for no reason

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i want to get out of the house

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i want to stab myself

spring nexus Mar 6, 2025, 1:11 AM

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this tin foil is garbage

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at least it actually left a mark in the mental hospital

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i was or still am 5 months clean but whatever

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i am sober taught me nothing

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i wish more people would care about me

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im going to waste my time trying to make youtube videos now

spring nexus Mar 6, 2025, 5:19 PM

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i want something to happen

spring nexus Mar 6, 2025, 6:15 PM

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im so tired

spring nexus Mar 6, 2025, 7:57 PM

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I FUCKING FOUND OUT WHATS WRONG WITH ME OH MY GOD

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IVE HIGHLIGHTED THE BITS THAT STAND OUT TO ME

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i dont even know what to say or do

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its exactly how i feel

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its a feeling

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not a mental disorder

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i feel so

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whats the word

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glad?

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i just told my boyfriend

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oh my god

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im crying

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i thought i was going insane

spring nexus Mar 6, 2025, 8:30 PM

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my mama said we can go shopping when she gets home ^^

spring nexus Mar 6, 2025, 10:10 PM

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bro being high is the socuscion to my problem

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i cant spell that word right now

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i dont feel liberosis anymore

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solution?*

spring nexus Mar 8, 2025, 1:05 AM

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i wish i didnt feel liberosis

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i just got done redoing my room again

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im chill though

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im content

spring nexus Mar 8, 2025, 4:11 PM

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today is my birthday party

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ill be sharing it with my sister and brother since our birthdays are close together

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my birthday was on the 21st of january but still

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im trying to learn japanese

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its kind of hard

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gohan desu means its rice but kono kaban wa kawaii desu ne means this bag is cute isnt it

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i cant get past this one level on duolingo

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its like math. ill get the hang of it until i start a new topic

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i just passed it holy fuck

spring nexus Mar 8, 2025, 9:41 PM

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leaving for the party now

spring nexus Mar 9, 2025, 4:35 AM

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i am absolutely jaded rn bro

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my aunt gave me a weed gummie

spring nexus Mar 9, 2025, 10:32 PM

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fuck yeah im getting more

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all my problems are solved

spring nexus Mar 10, 2025, 2:01 PM

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i just ate three more xd

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4000 yen is the equivalent or however the hell you spell it to $27.20.

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i wonder how that is

#lee's 15th journal