Slickys attempt at journalling | Huddle | Page 1

hardy prism Feb 7, 2025, 11:30 PM

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I’m turning 20 in a couple of months and I have wasted so much and if I’m being honest pretty much all of my teenage life living with past trauma and fear

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I literally have 5 disorders and my life is just ass I would take medication but nothing works on me and I just end up vomiting and sometimes have hair fall out my head

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I got a girls number from my group therapy but I’m not just gonna commit to it I’m so sad and alone and I just wanna understand why things are the way they are and how I can fix it all

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I also just wanna understand people and others social cues more but my Asperger’s syndrome doesn’t seem to allow much understanding :((

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I just wish I never graduated high school so quickly

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Even just one more year to spend there would help so much

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But I wasted all my time being the miserable quiet kid who went home and cried on his couch from all the bullying and yelling at school & home

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I’m so stuck

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I feel like a sad old loser

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Ugh

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I wish I could stop aging and just go back and do things over but I can’t

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I hope there’s some light anywhere at all at the end of this tunnel

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I don’t want to ||die|| but I feel I might have to sooner

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Oh well

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Though my brother In law looks up to me and how I’ve been doing therapy and getting help no matter how bad things have been in the past and now

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And if I went and ||died|| rn that wouldn’t help him

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So maybe soon not sure how soon but 21 sounds nice

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Just want my perfect life already but I can’t seem get it no matter how hard I try

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And I think I’m starting to get tired of trying

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I don’t even think anyone really needs me here except my brother in law who I can barely keep a relationship with

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Well yeah today was shitty but I’m just glad not everything has went down the drain yet (I hope that doesn’t happen soon or at all)

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It’s good to be a little appreciative about the good things in our life’s and think hard on them

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A life full of negativity is not a life whatsoever and negativity will only make me and others around me worse

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So I’m gonna keep going to therapy and just hope for the best🤞

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Anyways good first journal

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Side note- I really don’t know how I feel about meds ;/ I know they work for some people but they never work for me something I wish some of my people would understand is that I dont want to take them just because they work for everyone else, I literally can’t even move out from my bed without wanting to vomit or pass out sometimes if not all the time idk why my doctors and peers can’t understand that. I always end up snapping at my family too with them and they get mad at the fact that I’m taking medication. It’s like I got my family saying no I should never be taking any of this stuff and I got my friends encouraging me to keep searching and trying out meds. It’s very confusing I don’t know what to do. But rn I just need a break from all meditation I feel nauseous rn (and always do) but I do feel a bit more normal without them. I was pretty social with everyone at group today

hardy prism Feb 9, 2025, 4:26 AM

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I don’t even know who I am sometimes

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Slickys attempt at journalling

hardy prism Feb 9, 2025, 4:58 AM

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I don’t know what I want out of life

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I see so many good normal souls and I can’t help but want to break down and hate myself for wasting so much of my life in pain when I never wanted to to begin with

hardy prism Feb 10, 2025, 5:49 AM

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Man I hate putting in black castor oil to prevent my hair from falling out but it’s worth it this will probably be the last time I put it in for another month my hair loss is so not bad at all it isn’t even worth calling it hair loss so I’m fine honestly it’s just very greasy 😬

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Took this photo while I was in town waiting on a bus im standing on a giant radiator

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I took some of my town but then I would dox myself if I shared those photos 💀😮‍💨

hardy prism Feb 10, 2025, 8:50 PM

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Bought a gem today woo

hardy prism Feb 11, 2025, 2:55 AM

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We literally live in a world controlled by such a satanic government the mental health crisis continues to worsen and more random inexperienced doctors are getting hired at mental hospitals and therapies only to hurt the people more who are trying to get help in sick of this world something g needs to be done I feel like my psychosis is getting worse please help

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Please god help me I’m scaring my family with my paranoia

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I can’t help but believe everything that is going on with the badness and how people are have something to do with the government

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Idk why

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Why can’t I just find a good therapist who doesn’t want to see me sad and tell me it’s gonna be okay and a doctor to give me the close to perfect medication that won’t keep making things worse

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I’m scared to sleep at night because I’m afraid someone might hurt me

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Even when I’m safe

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I’m so scared

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I feel like there’s demons around me sometimes

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I miss Allison

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Fuck my life

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I’m so scared

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Please someone help me

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I feel like I’m living in a demon filled world I saw a guy faint at my church the day I went back now I don’t know if I should go back again

hardy prism Feb 12, 2025, 3:51 AM

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I love iop group therapy

hardy prism Feb 12, 2025, 8:20 PM

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I hate eating greasy stuff

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I also hate having a boring day

hardy prism Feb 12, 2025, 10:32 PM

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I’m so alone

hardy prism Feb 13, 2025, 5:08 AM

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I’m not a bad person im not a bad person im not a bad person

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Please help me god I don’t want to be paranoid to the extent where im hurting others

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In trying so hard to change but I don’t know if I can

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I’m so afraid

hardy prism Feb 13, 2025, 5:29 AM

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I’m afraid to sleep

hardy prism Feb 13, 2025, 3:42 PM

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Need to relax

hardy prism Feb 13, 2025, 5:44 PM

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I hope one day I wake up and every pain I deal with is gone mentally and psychically

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And I have the life of my dreams

hardy prism Feb 14, 2025, 5:03 AM

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Jee what a day

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Tomorrow is final day of iop

hardy prism Feb 14, 2025, 7:35 PM

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😭

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Bad day

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I’m all alone

hardy prism Feb 14, 2025, 10:58 PM

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I’m alone

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I just wanna cry

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I have no one and never have and never will

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😭

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I don’t want to live

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I finished iop group therapy they were all I had 😭

hardy prism Feb 15, 2025, 3:16 AM

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I’m broken

hardy prism Feb 19, 2025, 4:42 AM

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I hate myself 😔 I wish I could take back every bad thing I’ve done and just be having fun right now without it lingering around in my head. On febuary 24th I start individual therapy I hope it all works out.

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Maybe things don’t have to be bad

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I mean I’m starting college in August

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And I’ll finally be getting the therapy I wanted and not rotting in my bed or going to my moms art therapist who never really took me seriously

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So yeah

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Plus tomorrow I can go back to working on my website now that my mom is allowing me to go to starbucks to use my computer after months of not using it

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Maybe. This is just a phase?

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I hope 🤞

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😭

hardy prism Feb 19, 2025, 11:10 PM

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https://tenor.com/view/death-note-gif-22115820

Tenor

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Time to fill out my college application

hardy prism Feb 22, 2025, 3:52 AM

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I’ve been looking thru my friends olds social medias and I’m glad they’re happy

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I can die happily now

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It was nice trying to better myself while it lasted

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My sister wants me dead

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I don’t blame her

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Goodbye everyone

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Goodbye Tiffany

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Goodbye Allison

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Goodbye Everyone that filled me with some sort of hope

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I wish I could’ve been saved

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I’m sorry everyone

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I failed

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Goodbye

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This is for the best

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This is

hardy prism Feb 27, 2025, 5:18 AM

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I have such a bad headache rn urk ughhhhhh waiting for it to go away

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I’m glad I’m still alive

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I’m finally going to college I got in so everything’s great

hardy prism Feb 28, 2025, 1:44 AM

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Eh forget it I have no one I’m so tired of everyone hating me and being alone ugh

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I’m completely alone and suck up all my pain

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Idk if I should even go to college

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I honestly should just get a job because at least then I’ll be able to help out my brother

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I’m so tired of acting like everything’s ok

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Ugh

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I need to make my therapy twice a week not once a week

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I wish I could just

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Talk to people

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I can’t wait to die there’s no point of going on it’s a hopeless endless road

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https://tenor.com/view/sad-cute-in-bed-anime-phone-gif-17231625

Tenor

hardy prism Feb 28, 2025, 3:07 AM

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Im alone

hardy prism Feb 28, 2025, 4:08 AM

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Nah you know what I’ll go and work during I’m in it

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I’m so confused

hardy prism Mar 1, 2025, 5:38 PM

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Criminal law it is

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time to send in my application

hardy prism Mar 2, 2025, 7:12 PM

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i just got diagnosed with 2 more mental illnesses isnt this great 7

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well they arent illnesses more like just mental diagnosiss whatever theyre called

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cause im not schizophrenic even tho i kinda act it...

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cause asd which is one i have aint a mental illness

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why wont god just put me down

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every night i pray to be freed of this life

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i didnt ask for absuive parents i just asked to grow up with a family that cares about me and not to be bullied and get a literal ptsd diagnosis from it and my drunk dad

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sigh

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ok moving on

hardy prism Mar 3, 2025, 4:26 AM

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fuck

hardy prism Mar 3, 2025, 7:27 AM

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Ugh 😭

hardy prism Mar 3, 2025, 9:06 PM

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growing up sucks

hardy prism Mar 4, 2025, 5:00 AM

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Ok I submitted my college application!

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Feeling pretty confident

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Now all I gotta do is ace these practice tests already so I can get my learners permit

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Hey maybe I’m adulting pretty late but better late than ever

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If there’s one problem ive had its adulting

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But look at me finally doing it hey

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Phew

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Almost there

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Knew it could do it!

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My year break as a neet was worth it anyways

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I got so much done and finally got therapy

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Now it’s time to be adult this is what I’ve lived for…

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I can do it

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(I hope I can)

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No But I can do it

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No I can just watch me world

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https://tenor.com/view/eroica-guts-finger-snap-gif-26309458

Tenor

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With the snap of a finger I will get out of this major depression and adjust to the new life that is coming my way

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I’m 19 I’ve got time still a teen as long as I can drive before 21 I’ll be set and my parents won’t be doubted in me and nor will I be doubted in myself

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Ok hmmm

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If I’m gonna do all of this though I’m gonna Need to calm down right now

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No getting overstimulated slicky

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Just relax and remember you can do it

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This will be just a quick phase

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Alright gonna take my anxiety medication so I can get some sleep

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Maybe listen to some def tones and talk in some servers

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Need to clean my severely messy room the moment I wake up

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Then print out the drivers manual at the library

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Busy day tomorrow

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Rn Staying calm is the key to getting to tomorrow

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Alright bed time it is

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Don’t worry about the opinions of others worry about what you need to for you to be happy and give your dog a good life

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something on my head rn is that I really just can’t wait to get a haircut on the 20th as always I feel ugly tho I’ll still be ugly with the haircut at least I won’t look like the chinless hideous homeless man I’ve looked like since I turned 18

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I don’t even wanna show my face in public sometimes

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Oh god I gotta go to bed

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I’m gonna be sick

hardy prism Mar 4, 2025, 6:23 AM

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alright I’m ok lol

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I need to stop looking at pictures of myself

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Just accept what I look like and move forward

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The past is the past I can’t go back to looking better and healthier

hardy prism Mar 4, 2025, 6:56 AM

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Man I love egg sandwiches

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I eat like 500 of these a day

hardy prism Mar 4, 2025, 9:46 PM

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I got accepted to the community college !

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Awesome

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Now to keep studying my drivers manual and know how to drive before August

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I believe In you slicky

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Kind of

hardy prism Mar 5, 2025, 4:07 AM

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Finished my dmv test 1 notes

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Now 2 more to go

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That took a hell of a while

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But hey tomorrows another day and then I’ll get both done

hardy prism Mar 8, 2025, 12:25 AM

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1 more to go

hardy prism Mar 8, 2025, 7:08 AM

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Sometimes I just hate loading up the internet just to see assholes in my notifications

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I can’t wait for driving school and college

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Need to occupy myself

hardy prism Mar 8, 2025, 7:30 AM

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Glad to see him relaxed ❤️ sleep tight little buddy

hardy prism Mar 11, 2025, 9:47 PM

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Another day another day of internal suffering

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I hope the behavioral clinic I’m going to finally starts me up with therapy

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I haven’t gotten actual therapy since February 15th

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Ever since I transferred to this place

hardy prism Mar 15, 2025, 8:25 AM

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Ugh getting into college is such a draining process

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I’m almost done though

hardy prism Mar 16, 2025, 5:24 AM

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My 7th thru 12th grade bully is out of my life

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I’m free

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He moved to North Carolina late last year

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I didn’t even know till now

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So much happiness yet so much

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Mixed emotions

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Has the damage already been done though:(

hardy prism Mar 19, 2025, 7:24 AM

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Feel lonely

#Slickys attempt at journalling