raviy

[void junco]

i always thought these were interesting to see so im writing one now. i kind of already have a journal that i keep online as well but this was kind of spontaneous

so this is like talking to myself in a way 😭

im very very behind on homework but its ok because whatever

ive not been very happy recently it seems in hapy ways my life is reverting back to how it used to be but a key factor here is im not having anyone to express this to

so i think im becoming less close to my closest friend which means now i kind of dont have an outlet

i always feel like my head is brimming with stuff i really really need to say to someone who'll listen to me just talk about the stupid things i think about

its like i myself cant keep up with the amount of thoughts i have sometimes

even now i have so many things i want to say but i wouldnt be sure how to start

im procrastinating on my homework but i dont want to cry about it anymore

i wonder if the amount of thoughts floating through my head and my reluctance to speak them are directly connected to how my childhood has been. i always feel shameful after i think about how much ive talked to people because i think i can be a bore

not to mention confusing

i dont really know what to do now it never occured to me i would lose the person i always considered my support system

tw for sh and um other such things. ||i often feel nowadays like i could just take a really big and sharp knife and go over my arms because recently i dont feel like im scarred badly enough at all. i want to be a mosaic of scars but mostly i just want to stop feeling the way i do. i think most of all i just want someone to hug me and hold me and tell me im ok, that theres not anything wrong with me that makes me unloveable or unwanted and that they themselves want me and care about me. i very much want to kill myself chat its almost funny||

||i almost feel horrid because for a time i was silly enough to think i might actually be getting better a bit and then bam shit hits harder again and suddenly im up at night crying and i cant sleep well anymore. i just want to bleed out onto my mattress and listen to music and focus on the stinging and the painful throbbing because it gives me something else to think about besides the shit in my brain||

recently ive also hated being trans ( as i am 16 years old and a transgendered male although im not out to anyone irl just some people i talk to online ) and i feel like it makes me inferior. ONE THING IS THAT ITS SO HARD TRYING TO BE NORMAL AND OK EVERYDAY WHEN NO, I DONT CARE ABOUT WHO BACKSHOTTED YOU IN ROBLOX I LITERALLY WANT TO ||KILL MYSELF|| BUT I REALLY TRULY DO CARE I JUST KEEP IGNORING PEOPLE AND I FEEL AWFUL

im truly awful

but i dont know what to do if i have no one to talk to about this

what does one do

trying to be a funny friend whilst feeling absolutely shitty is something ive had to perfect but even then sometimes i cant help ignoring people or letting my mood show a bit because theres only so much i can take

im just a kid bro

i wish i had been able to actually be one during this childhood.

I WISH I FELT NECESSARY AT ALL LIKE I GENUINELH WISH I WAS SOMEONES FAVORITE PERSON OH MY GID

WHY DOES EVERYONE ALREADY HAVE A BEST FRIEND

OR A PARTNER

BECAUSE BEING BEST FRIEND DOESNT EVEN MATTER IF THEY HAVE A PARTNER

OBVIOUSLY IM NOT THE FAVORITE

anyway chat if anyone happens to play roblox and is reading this which i really dont expect but if you wanna play roblox with me or just text you can add me but you need to match my vibe we need to have like similar personalities 😭 🙏🏽

help not me making a friend application of this

talking to myself is so fun

do you think its cruel that no matter IF someone ever said that they truly needed me i wouldnt believe them because i cant find it in myself to feel it so i would still eliminate myself

SO LIKE ITS IMPOSSIBLE?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSRED TO DO

SIGH

this reminds me of when i was talking to an individual and i was trying to befriend them because we had the mental states in common and they were telling me about their ||sh|| even though i just met them like 5 minutes ago and i didnt ask but then they randomly said that i dont seem like i would ||sh|| like from how i talked to them

i always try to be positive no matter what im feeling i always want to be there for people

somtimes its hard

i just want someone to be my best friend and i can actually be their favorite person and THEY can be MINE TOO AND THEN IT CAN BE COOL AND PEACHY AND WE CAN CALL AND PLAY ROBLOX TOGETHER AND JUST TALK OR BE SAD

I DONT MIND THAT EITHER

i kind of wish my parents gave any shits though

im not even diagnosed with depression but i didnt need a diagnosis and i will never allow someone who's so desperate to be mentally ill to tell me that the fucking ||scars|| i cover myself with are for no reason and the way i feel every single day isnt real

i so desperately wish i was normal

well

im ginna play roblox and my friend is texting me so i kinda wanna play with him

ill do the homework later.