Clover's Journal

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I dont know what is going on. They keep telling me that we are just friends and eventually end up acting like we are more than that. The next morning they say "We are just friends". So which one are "we"?

I really want to get over this but if he keeps coming back I will never be able to. But at the same time deep down I want him to be back even though there's almost no guarantee that this will work. Eventually I'll end up getting hurt.

I tried talking to people but there's a limit for that too. If I tell too much "I dig attention". So I quit talking and keep it to myself. But bottling up is suffocating.

People say he's just playing with you, he's a red flag and to block him. But I can't. I'm trying to forget this but I loved him too much for me to block him. I want him to talk, but I also don't want him to talk.

Sometimes I wonder, if this was love or "infatuation"?

To most of the people it isn't even that big of a deal. IK this wont work out well but I end up in a loop. I wish I completely forgot about this.

Each morning I just wake up in pure disbelief and anxiety. I have to put up a smile in front of everyone, so that no one knows. But for how long?

And on top of that, my board exams are getting close and I cant be wasting time.

God, please help me. I'm begging of you.

Why does everything remind me of him? Each of his memories and messages bring more pain because I know he won't be there anymore. Why? Please god, please I'm begging you.

It hurts me so much to reply to his texts and agreeing that we are just friends. It hurts me so much after the memories we created.

He clearly does make me feel uncomfortable and I don't express much in front of him. THEN WHY DOES MY HEART COMMIT TO HIM SO MUCH?

Is it because I think that I will never find someone as good as him? But everyone tells me I can do better and that he isn't the one. BUT WHY? HOW?

I wish I could tell someone who actually understood. But I really don't have people like that.

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I'm not even that pretty. But he's really good looking. Then why me?

It's not like he likes my personality all that much either.

ARGH isntead of studying, here I am. No matter how much I force myself to study, I end up thinking of this!

I'm just stuck and dazed onto the fact that I can't even express my love anymore. "We are just friends". I'm trying to hold it in. I'm trying to act fool and not feel the pain. But for how long? Can't I just forget it? It's not like he wasn't a red flag. Then why?

He really said his final goodbye. We can never be like before. Oh god, even though I know this is better, why do I feel so pained.

It was just yesterday, when I thought we could be like before. Yesternight felt like a dream that I woke up from.

He always said "live in the reality". But if reality hurts this much, isn't it human nature to prefer the fake world?

At this point, I know that my problem is much trivial than what others go through. "Just forget and move on"

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He came back again and we watched a movie together. And y'know what he said? The characters are just like me and him. Leaving and coming back over and over again. Because deep down we know we can't leave each other. It's really hard. We talked for a while and we decided that we won't just focus on us, but also our careers and goals so that one day, we both can be proud of ourselves. We dedicated a certain time just for us and promised we would work hard during the rest of the time. This is tbh one of the best conclusions. I'm happy now!

I'll just focus on my studies and score well, just like how he does and meanwhile we can also focus on "us". I'll work really hard. I'm gonna use all the tips he gave me for my finals.

Thankyou god!

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I've never been happier than before. This is really the best option for both of us.

Now the main problem is me not studying. How do I concentrate??? Its not like I have a lot of time!!

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Okay, now I'm not feeling good. For some reason, he reduced his replies to nothing, it was just 5 hrs ago when he was really interested in talking but I said I had a little more work to do and after that he reduced his number of replies. One word replies are all I get. Is it because I said I had to go? But he was the one who asked me to finish my job before talking to him.

I should be over-thinking right? Idk but whenever this happens, I get deja vu because this is exactly how he starts to say he wants to leave. I really can't handle anymore. Oh god, what is going on.

Now I can't concentrate on studies at all. What if he's annoyed of me? What if he's bored of me? I'm scared.

He said it because he is working. It's a relief but I'm still scared. I'm actually shaking and my eyes keep tearing up. Haaaaa this is so cringe but I don't know why I always react like this when something bad happens, especially when it's related to him. Every time, I keep trembling when he says we won't work out. I'm scared.

God help!

I know I will have to leave him one day, but I'm not ready. Just not yet.

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I'm scared

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Today he told me about his 1st love. It was amazing but....it ended not very well. And it made him depressed for a while. And I realised compared to what he went through, this was nothing. So I asked him how he felt about this and he said "Just good"

Yeah I understand, compared to what he went through, this is just fine. He really loved his first girl a lot and I could see it! But tbh when he said "just good" I hit back to reality and I realised that everything could slip away. He didn't feel about this the same way he did with his irl first love. yeah, I understand why, but it's alright.

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Yeah this popped up on my feed....now it's officially stalking me.

But I know he won't consider this seriously. We never even met for once and what if he sees me and then goes "uh....ew"....yeah. It's just that

I don't blame him. He's gone through far more than me

Things I'd like to ask to him one day, but I'll never ask....I can't bring myself to.

What hurts more is the fact that, he might never see me like a true person, for who I am.

I

am

not

as good

as her

I know it, and I wish I didn't

I wish I was better

I wish I was different, more pretty, more enthusiastic, more smarter.....I'm nothing.

Sometimes I stop thinking about this and get back to reality. Then I realise I'm not the best person for my parents either. I cause them so much tension because my grades aren't too good. Few of my friends keep scoring high, and here I am....doing nothing except being useless.

I bet their parents are happy about them, at least they do good in studies. And I...make them sad, even though they gave me everything in life and made sure I was okay. I grew up to a be a professional lier.

Everything's bad.

I wish I was better. ✨

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He left

So i'm gonna cry tonight and hopefully tomorrow I'll forget it all

I'll just explain tomorrow. I'm too tired now

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No I didn't forget anything. It hurts now. A lot. But I know he left for a good reason. Obviously he has to keep up with his studies. He's a smart kid, so he must not let that go to waste. He said he'd miss me. Maybe he'll be back in a year or two once he's in a good little college. Maybe. But he also asked me to not keep my hopes up, to enjoy life, and take care.

But I'm dying, because I miss him. I miss him already. and I know he wont be back, but I'm going to hold on to that hope- that one hope of him coming back once he has achieved his dreams.

And y''know what he said? "After my first gf, you were the only one who I got this close to", and I was so happy. It was just yesterday when I was comparing her to myself.

I wish he came back soon....I hope he'd come back.

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Y'know, I've thought about it. But I realized, that it's not just my problem that he keeps leaving and coming back putting me though all that mental trauma.

If he truly values me, he will eventually make consistent efforts to stay and work through challenges together rather than retreating when things get tough. While waiting or hoping for his return, it's time I focus on myself—my growth, happiness, and stability. If he comes back and you both decide to give it another try, I'll be in a stronger, more self-assured position to handle it.

But I don't know how many more chances I can give. It's already the 6th.

"You deserve someone who chooses to stay, not someone who repeatedly leaves"

Whether he truly loved me or not, I really doubt leaving was the only option and I also do understand that he was very overwhelmed with his studies but....everything has it's limit. Each time, he said he'd change, but he never did.

He did also say that he was going to leave multiple times before but it was too hard so he kept holding on to me and so did I. But I realized that he could also have been doing this so that he stays happy, more than me.

I don't know if I'm overthinking but one thing I know is- if he came back I'd give him another chance, but, it's because it's hard for me to say a no. I'm not sure if that "chance" would be based off of true love.

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And just like that, he didn't last a day. He came back!!!

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No, he left again. Actually, he told me one of the biggest secrets he kept from me. And now, I understand his problem much better. He's gonna leave for 2 months and he'll be back once his finals are over. I'm glad he told me but, I also need some time to digest all this.
I think for now, love can wait.

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should love wait?

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Ever since he told me about himself and opened up, he just keeps going. Yeah, I don't mind, I could listen to him forever. But sometimes, I feel like he aims to discriminate me on few factors too. And when I try to speak up, he feigns ignorance.

And he says I'm his true love- but that's because I tried my best to listen to every single thing you say without offending you. But, is forcing for a long time a part of love?

He doesn't know my side

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It's such an "on and off" relationship at this point. Either you leave or stay. I must be over thinking but I feel like he doesn't value me as much as I value him and his feelings. I think I'm the only one who's actually putting efforts into listening to him. But he never does the same for me.

Is this called "overthinking"?

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We talked a lot today. I enjoyed it. Now I'm confused

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Yesterday's vc was mostly him teaching me math 😭 . Cuz me and math never got together. And dang he's smart!

I becoming more vulnerable, all over again.

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Okay. Since our finals are really close we decided on one thing. We're gonna stop talking and actually study for our finals. It's actually pretty good because then we won't be overly focused on when they'll text back and procrastinate. And this is a sign for me to actually start cooking. I feel much more re-assured considering he opened up and he won't ghost me.

NOW IT'S TIME TO FOCUS ON STUDIES

I WANNA COOK FOR FINALS!!

[compact hill]

I tried my best not to open discord. But I still opened it. But the first thing I saw was, his alt account was permenantly deletes. I mean he did tell me he was gonna delete it and all but, that was the first place we both met. So, seeing it all dead and lifeless, slightly hurt me.
Pisces nature for real.

[compact hill]

I think I'm having mood swings.

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Yeah I was damn fine when I said that I'd be fine without him till my finals are over but I guess I was wrong. I miss him so much, but I can't just text him like that. He must also be studying.

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I'm sorry, I promised to myself I wouldn't cry until my finals are over. But things hit too hard. My besties who I grew up with, for 10 years are all leaving after 10th. I really can't imagine today was the last day. And on top of that, I can't even think of going to that same building where I made memories with them once, knowing they won't be there anymore.

Now, he is also not talking because he has to study for his finals. And here I am wasting my time.

At this rate, my mental stress is gonna make me finish my board exams miserably.

God, please help.

[compact hill]

I just noticed, that he really doesn't care about what I'd like to say. What if I'm just overthinking? Nah how's that possible, it's not the first time this is happening.

oh lord

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So now what?

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OK so here's the thing. I'm confused, I'm also scared. My procrastination has hit its final limits. I'm scared. What if he uses the chats as bait in the future- Im scared

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How do I say this. Today we decided to exchange IDs for fun. Yknow, scroll through chats and stuff. I found my bestie’s chat and read it.

I still didn’t forget the day when she kept hitting on him even when she knew me and him were together. I know he started it first because it was a dare, but after a point even when he stopped, she didn’t.

She showed her true colours. And now, when I re read the chats, I can’t help but cry. I thought I had a good friend, I guess not.

Yeah Im gonna cry myself to sleep.

Now, we just put up fake smiles. Whenever she talks about her apparent school crush, I get reminded of how she betrayed me, and that the “school crush” was just for name sake.

Just put up fake smiles and everything’s gonna be alright. For a month, I tried defending her but now…I can’t anymore.

I had such beautiful friends and chats, now, it’s dead because of her.

I tried not to let anger take over but why must I keep it in when no one puts the same efforts.

But it’s fine. “Just put up a fake smile”😊

[compact hill]

I was the one to find it out

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Tolerating

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I don’t know what just happened yesterday. The irl friend of mine who flirted with my bf before wanted to apologise and since my bf was the one who started the drama before - he wanted to apologise too.

So he asked me to make a group with me, her and him so that I would see the conversation and they could reconcile.

And guess what, within 2 days they started acting too friendly. My friend keeps asking me stuff about him etc. And when I stop replying much she acts the victim and says sorry, like I asked her to or something.

Anyways my friendship with her is not the same as before. It’s hard to put a facade. So I talked about this to my bf and fortunately he blocked her and left the group. What is possibly advantageous about him and her being friends anyways.

And then suddenly, that evening he says “Let’s break up”. I thought everything was chill, then why? I asked him the reason and he said “Nothing, I just can’t do this anymore” and he blocked me.

I was shaking for real. I paced around my room trying to think of anything I could have possibly done wrong. I just didn’t know what to do and I called up my friend.

And about a minute later, he calls me and tells it was a prank to see my reaction 😑 . And for about an hour he just kept apologising. But he ordered a flower for me so it’s okay😭

He’s too invested in YT istg.

[compact hill]

I’m doing okay

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My procrastination is peaking and my exams are too close

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I had a fight with him, I lost my friend. Everything sucks now. And I'm not even studying no more.

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I’m scared. I don’t wanna talk to anyone but I’m scared I might loose them if I don’t talk. My exams start from tomorrow. I wish I never even started using this app now.

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So suddenly, he started acting distant from me. Welp, I REALLY CAN'T WORRY ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE WHEN I HAVE MY FINALS GOING ON!!! I don't know why he doesn't realise that.

He isn't talking much and has one word replies for everything.

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Hehe life's not fun. I'm scared. I REALLY WANNA SCORE 90 PERCENT IN MY FINALS.

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I had a huge fight with my mom. It was HUGE. I hate everything now. Like I already wasn't going through enough.

Imagine having to shut your room and waste you're time crying, instead of studying right before the exams. Pathetic. I wanna shut off everybody from life. Why do I have to be so dependent. I hate everything. I really do. I REALLY JUST WANT TO REST. But I can't

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It’s gonna end soon. Now I’ gonna have to choose between my friend and him. Though the mistake wasn’t even mine to begin with. It really isnt my fault, but eventually I gotta choose. Haaaaa

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I'm loosing it all

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HAPPY BDAY TO MEEE YAAYYYYY. Now im officially elder to my friends 🗿

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Its over man. I did it. I cut ties with him. Haaaaaaa, one night's sleep and I think I'm slowly getting over it. Its alright 😌

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So I just realised. I found a gem. Never been this happy in 6 months tbh. Refreshing

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So recently, I've been really interested in tarot reading and it's so surprising how everything's so relatable honestly. This is fun.

[compact hill]

Why exactly, do you feel like... you don't really care about others no more. Facade, or how ever one might put it. Been a while. Sometimes even acting doesn't work. Attachment and detachment. Not sure if it's to be done all the time because it can be hard to handle. Home's not home, mentally drained. Others have a huge affect on me and overthinking runs wild. It has actually been a while. Just when I thought things were getting better. Sleep doesn't help, pretty much everyday I keep having dreams about how my finals went- not the best of experiences but still it's there at the back of your head. Anxiety that's triggered with simple texts like ''Hey'', ''Say'', ''Anyways'' that give a feeling of endless loops. I'm trying to feel like I care for the people I want to care for and I know who to care for but I just can't show it like before. It's funny. I over sleep because me sleeps never go well, and when I wake up I'm just thinking about something to do, but eventually find myself lazy. It's been a week or two- my parents have noticed some changes but I don't think I'm gonna explain any of this to anyone, since it's easy to be termed ''attention seeker'' or ''exaggerator''. I wanna tell someone, but I don't think that would help me. I haven't felt this bad and drained for a while and this is the peak when I start to think of ways to just .... maybe... end it. Yeah it's the peak, it really is. I'm not gonna tell anyone, it would subside on it's on. I hope. Maybe a night's time.

[compact hill]

I thought it wud help, it didn't

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It's worse

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It was better, but then...it started again. Genuinely istg, how I'd like to switch off for a while

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I wish I was left alone. It would be better. Every time it ends up in something bad. Overthinking is a thing, but then genuinely I -

I don’t want to stay alive. I gotta walk on eggshells around everyone, I didn’t tell anyone either. So it’s better is stays this way. Yeah genuinely I just feel like dying. Home isn’t home, parents just love judging, then other things. I can’t

There aint a single day this past week I haven’t shut myself down and cried. Not like all that would help if I dont confront it. But then I dont even know how to confront it. Lol

Lol honestly I cant even let everything out at my own house. I cant even cry it all out because people who don’t know what’s going on would just judge me more

Just some way or the other everyone around me finds me wrong. Literally every single day I just get emotionally overwhelmed, whether it was during my exams or after. It doesn’t matter. What in the world did I do so wrong to deserve all of this. Genuinely

Some or the other reason. Why why why

Sleep sounds fun. But then the minute I get on bed, all I think about are these stuff.

I thought it would be fine but then again, it keeps happening. It’s probably not even something I did but somehow it ends up at me.

Nah now I gotta beg for people to stay with me. Right, not like this matters anyways. Im gonna go- and one thing… I wish I died honestly because I cant take all this anymore.

Walk on eggshells with everyone… yeah bro it hurts so much. Parents, friends and what not.

I wish I died.

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How long do I have to go through this. Hopeless

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I tried my best. It’s just the same. Or worse

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Honestly it's kind of crazy how I cry myself to sleep for some or the other reason.

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Its over

Its been long since I wrote a journal

But I'm finally free

And soon I will be free from life.

I thank everyone who helped me out before. Little sad I dont have siblings. Maybe I wouldn't have chose this path if there was one person who'd stand with me.

I really cant take

more than this

Im so glad that this life of mine had only the last part, extremely messed. Im blessed in other ways/

Good bye Huddle

And everyone