Milo

[flint sleet]

I've never gotten the appeal of journals, and every time I tried, I barely followed through more than a few days. But maybe it's because they're private, and I'm the one in charge of my own discipline. Maybe a having a journal that is less than private could make me feel less lonely. Maybe it'll instill a sense of obligation to improve now that there's an expectation that I'll have to improve. For all my experiences, I know I beat my self up over and over. My lack of good self-expectation put me down in the worst ways.
I am certainly my own worst enemy. I prevent myself from climbing up in life through persistent self-sabotage. I never considered just how much my own mind have been against me and how much it has put me down, beating me up inside.
Every time I act to better myself, I belittle myself constantly. I feel like it's not good enough. I should've done more, more, and more. It never feels enough for my subconscious. I make myself look and feel incompetent. I even belittled the things I love and the things I want to improve in. I may just be starting in art and programming and doing the work to improve, but my subconscious doesn't care. My mind constantly reminds me that everyone else is better, and I suck. It tells me I should just give up, and what I'm doing is a waste of time, money, and effort. My subconscious has put me down countless times. It has left me unable to act properly for years. If anyone else is acting like this towards me I definitely would've rejected the thoughts and moved on. But this is my own mind telling me no, and I barely noticed how harmful it has been.
I hope that I could fight off this self-abusive inner thinking. I have to. For my own good and for what I love.

dated 5/29/2024 - Milo

This is the extent of my artistic abilities at the start of this week. I have never thought I would ever be a good artist. I never had artistic talent as a kid, and I never drew before. I have it stuck in my mind that it's not good. That I'm bad. It makes me embarrassed to share any progress. But it's only the first day. I can't hate myself for doing what I love anymore. I hope to proud one day.

***dated 5/29/2024 - Milo ***

[flint sleet]

Today was a better day than I ever could've imagined. It was a massive jump in productivity compared to yesterday. 5-6 hours logged for today. Could improve more. Today is a win. Tomorrow needs to be one too.

dated 5/30/2024 - Milo

Day 2 of learning to draw. I know it's bad, and it's cringe. Please don’t fucking laugh lmao.
dated 5/30/2024 - Milo

[flint sleet]

Today is a less than ideal day. Only 3 hours logged. Barely anything was drawn. Tried to draw without some handholding. It sucked, and I'm too embarrassed to show it. But I still have to remind myself it's part of the process. Knowing I have to treat myself better doesn't mean the self-abasing inner talk goes away. It's a constant struggle.
I've been more tired than yesterday. I don't know why. I think I slept well. I transitioned from coffee to tea, does that do much? I've had a great morning and was really productive. But once lunch came, I felt groggy and tired. Maybe I should eat better. Moderate my caffeine consumption. I don't know it is, but my patience with that is thin. I need to change that mindset. I need to be more patient with myself. Maybe it's 3 hours less productive than yesterday, but it's better than nothing. Being happy with my progress is better than disappointed in it.
I want tomorrow to be even better. I know it will, it has to be.

Today's overall score: 6/10. Could be way better, but nothing bad.
Dated 5/31/2024

Today’s drawing progress. Day 3. Not much. It’s okay I guess. I’ll improve quantity and quality more and more.
Dated 5/31/2024

[flint sleet]

I think about life a lot, going around my head asking questions. What do I want to do? Why do I want to do it? How do I achieve it? Is what I am doing now enough? Am I doing it wrong? Are my efforts worth it? How can I better? Can I be better? My subconscious can't answer all of these, even if I can myself. I want to draw. I want to learn programming. and I want to skilled in everything I want because I can feel better about myself that way. I say this to myself, and my subconscious forgets it all the same. The habit of wanting to trip myself over, like that one guy with a bicycle and a stick, is a persistent thorn in my mental well-being and life satisfaction. It's like a demon near my ear without an angel on the other side. Maybe it's there, and I just don't see it. Nevertheless, It'll be the same in the end. I'm pushing on an uphill battle alone. I'll be happy once I get there.

But is it really all there is? There's just so much to life, so much to myself that I'm not seeing or fully contemplating. What else do I want? What else do I need? What about friends? Sure, I'd love the company. They're great, but it feels like a temporary relief to a chronic problem.. I am alone sometimes, and often. But I don't really feel lonely. I don't feel the misery of not being or seeing someone. At least not compared to my more depressing days. If I push myself and be proud, I'll never have to worry about being lonely. At least that's what I think. 

 What about love? relationships? I never gave it much thought about love or dating since my last breakup. It was painful, but it needed to be done. I've felt great being single. It felt more calm and relaxing. It's quiet. Not too quiet, the perfect kind of quiet. It took a long time to think about, but I want to be alone. To feel proud and alone, knowing that I am talented, knowing that I am skilled. I want Milo to be proud of me. I want to be proud of myself. 

Dated 06/01/2024

Then what? Maybe I'll continue to be proud of myself. Maybe after learning to draw, program, and learn math, I could learn other things. Graphic design, engineering, chemistry next. I could feel pride and enjoy the process of learning in peace. Peace sounds really great right now.

Dated 06/01/2024

Today’s practice: Day 4. Hoping to get more and more drawings per day.
Relaxing for the afternoon. Hopefully I can recharge to have a better tomorrow.

Today's Overall Score: 7/10 It was pretty good. I still need to fix a lot.

Dated 06/01/2024

[flint sleet]

I woke up today with a renewed vigor. I believed today would be far more productive than my previous days. I studied a little and practiced drawing eyes. It was okay. I drew from references and tutorials as practice. I scrolled around and see other people's progress. I saw one https://www.reddit.com/r/PewdiepieSubmissions/comments/1ainpie/pewds_first_drawing_video_inspired_me_to_try/#lightbox
and I noticed by day 5, the one I'm currently on, they have already managed to understand perspective, shapes, proportions, etc way better than I have so far. It felt really demoralizing. I beat myself trying to understand why I couldn't make the same progress, wondering if I'm not trying hard enough. I can't help but feel inferior to others.

I took a step back and took a breather - took some time to think about things. It's demoralizing, but I managed to convince myself to redouble my efforts. It's not only demoralizing to see this, but it's also a sense of inspiration. I really wish that I could easily beat the feeling of "admitting defeat." My mind guides to me throwing the towel. I can't do that. I can't let myself do that.

The feeling of defeat really is crushing. But it doesn't matter. I should go on anyway. The day hasn't ended yet.

I’m practicing to draw eyes from “draw like a sir.” This is the progress from the last hour. The day hasn’t ended, and there’s still more to do. I can do better.

I forgot to draw the pupil on the middle one lmao

Dated 06/02/2024

[flint sleet]

bro the tea I've been drinking had had passed its best by date 4 years ago. 😭

Can't taste the badness anyway.

[flint sleet]

Progress. 1.5 - 2 hours

[flint sleet]

Today started off great. It was a new day of a new week. I got myself set on the morning routine really great! woke up, washed up, made breakfast, tea, jogged, meditated, a bit more exercises! I spun the productivity roulette, and it landed on programming, so I got myself to learn it for a while. Logged a perfect, highly productive two hours. Got a nice lunch, and took a break. I always get bumped off from good productivity around noon and afternoon. From then on, the day slows to a halt. But I got a nice break. I listened to calm and relaxing music, rested a bit, and felt more recharged.
I got a call from a friend telling me they're sick. A cold. It was a good chat for a bit. Since I was planning to draw, I could go over and help out and sketch at the same time. Two bird one stone. I brought some tea and cold medicine, nothing special. I brewed her black tea, got some snacks, went to get food to help out. I didn't draw much, only a few more practices on drawing eyes. Only 3 figures, nothing special. I let her draw too, since it has been years since she drew. We played Uno and watched Young Sheldon. It was great.
I returned home just minutes ago, and I feel bum fuck tired. I have no idea why, and I just know this is gonna kill my afternoon productivity. I had a great morning. It's always the afternoons that gets me bad.

There isn’t t much to show, sorry. But there’s just a bit of fun today. For me and my friend.

Dated 06/03/2024
Today's Overall Score: 7/10. I know today hasn't ended, but I forgot to rate yesterday. I'll write this now, because I might forget later.

ugh. I guess I'll pick up today's slowdown in tomorrow.

[flint sleet]

I normally write journals during the night/afternoon. I never do it in the mornings since, it was in my mind that journals are akin to a report, regarding how a person's day went. I think that has been a pretty passive approach. From now on, I will also take a proactive approach to detail how the day should be. I will determine how the day must be. Three new things. "Today's goals." "How I want to feel today." both of them in the morning journal. And a new "Today's accomplished tasks." at the afternoon/night Journals

Today's Goals: Draw (like always, but restart from fundementals), learn graphic design basics, Learn programming (continue like before), relearn math(continue like before).
I want to feel: Confident, Productive, and give myself more value.
Today will be great

Journal dated Morning of 06/04/2024

[flint sleet]

Today has utterly exhausted me. I've been tired since afternoon. Although I've been highly productive, I don't feel as much fulfilled. Maybe the fatigue has a lot to do with it. Today has logged a solid 5-6 hours of productivity, but I couldn't feel like much has changed. Over the past 2 days, progress has been stagnant. Something is missing and wrong, and I need to figure out what it is, quick. I need to get back on track.
I always knew the journey would have bumpy roads. But I thought I knew how to take them on. It still wasn't easy. Today has been a rather low point. Beating lack of self-confidence isn't always easy. The feeling in lack of progress is quite the morale killer. Something will change. More specific goal setting maybe. Maybe a different day routine. Who knows.
Today is the 7th day. Officially marking one week in. I still feel like I should do more. Some overhaul will be needed. I will think of what tomorrow morning. I need some rest.

Today's Mood rating: 4/10 I had a great morning. The night and the afternoon obliterated me
Today's productivity rating: 7/10 It was solid. Enough said.
Today's Overall Rating: 5.5/10 Teetering on the edge. Lowest point so far.

***Journal Dated Night of *** 06/04/2024

No drawings today and that unfortunately means no progress made :((((((

But to lighten the mood. I still have this little goofball.

[flint sleet]

Today is the 8th day of my journey. It's been over a week. I'm glad I started it, but I want to go further, faster. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and reevaluations. The first thing is to set more precise and tiny goals. Something achievable by the week, alongside daily goals. I've had a good rest and is able to reset myself. Today is a chill day. I'll work on something when I have the mood for it. I'll worry less from today.

Week 2 Goals: Learn to draw faces. finish another 1/3rd of my programming book (5 chapters). Continue What I have done. Push my comfort zone.
Today's Goals: Relax, have a positive mood. Restore high motivation. Do any productive thing or none at all. Going with my mood.
Today I want to feel: Relaxed. Motivated.

***Journal Dated Morning of *** 06/05/2024

[flint sleet]

Goofing.

[flint sleet]

Also Mila, thanks for reading and reacting to my journal. I didn't realize it before, but you seeing these makes me feel heard. Thanks ❤️

[flint sleet]

dang. I didn't know drinking this much decaf black tea (6 cups + 2 regular black tea) is literally sedating me. Fuck it. I'll just relax today as well.

[flint sleet]

I think I did pretty well giving myself a day to rethink over everything. It's not like I spent the whole day thinking. I enjoyed time with friends. I played couple games of pool. (fucking annihilated them 💪 ) Hell yeah. It was super fun. I think I had a pretty good mood. It was spent relaxing after all. I didn't spend much time doing anything, but I somehow got the drive to draw when I didn't force myself to it. I started drawing for fun, and I think that spark is sign of good change to come. I drew very little, but the fact that I drew in my downtime makes me a little bit proud and happy.
I'm finally starting to enjoy pursuing interests for the first time. I drew today not because I forced myself to, but because I wanted to, and it felt great. Not much new was drawn. I watched some tutorials on fundamentals, trying to go back to step 1 of learning to draw. Not much, but solid effort. I feel motivated to continue on and improve already. I feel like being productive tomorrow won't be a massive headache as yesterday.

Some practice I did on my down time while with friends. Just another day of drawing eyes, but different styles. Oh and the rizz face cuz it’s funny lol. I stopped thinking to myself “I suck” and thought more of “I can improve and I will.”
I want to absolutely fill a page tomorrow. Two pages even. I’ll start on the face tomorrow. Learning how to draw a complete face, hopefully original material or just draw by memory by the end of the week.

my motivation is restored. Time to march on again. Harder and stronger. Life is being breathed into my soul again. I feel happy. Time to aim for the Moon.

Journal Dated Afternoon of 06/05/2024

[flint sleet]

Today is where I really pick up the pace. Work hard. Not much to say, so here we go.

Week 2 Goals: Learn to draw faces. Finish the other 1/3rd of my programming book (5 chapters). Make home exercise a daily routine. Continue what I have done before. Push my comfort zone.
***Today's Goals:***Draw some faces. Start coloring drawings. Finish chapter 8: functions. Finish another chapter on the review in math. Learn basics of Krita, Do 100 push ups & other exercises.
Today I want to feel:: resolved, motivated, energized, happy.

Journal Dated Morning of 06/06/2024
Today's Wordle answer was: ||ether||

[flint sleet]

Goofs

😭noooooooooooooo

[flint sleet]

Today was an incredibly harsh day. That may be a little bad. However, it is great from me how much I tanked it out and came out of it well and prepared for tomorrow. Multiple goals of today were not met. I did not review math. I did not learn basics of Krita, and I did not finish another chapter. I did everything else. Honestly, today will be a introduction to the experience of high stress, highly productive days.
Ever since my depression, I could barely handle any form of stress or workload. Now, I can handle hours, and I think my mental fortitude is becoming stronger. I can work longer and harder with every passing day. I stressed my self today not to the brink, and not to break myself, but to push it. Tomorrow, I will make it my goal to accomplish all my tasks.
No journey is without roadblocks, challenges, mistakes, or setbacks. The last couple of days, I feel as if progress has been a little stagnant. My art isn't improving, and I'm not taking the right study/learning plans. My days are not as fulfilling, but that's okay. I'll restructure it. I'll come out of it better.
Today was grueling. But I tanked it out thriving and recovering in energy faster than before. Today's growth is small, but I'm making growth everyday. I'll be relaxing with friends in a bit. Going to the pool and relaxing in the jaccuzi. I willl make tomorrow better than today just as today was better than yesterday.

Today's Mood rating: 9/10 It was stressful, but I managed it in a really good way and came out better by the end. It is a sign of better days.
***Today's Productivity rating: ***: 7/10. Honestly, I personally thought it more of a 6/10 or 5.5. I really did expect myself to be far more productive since it's been like, 9 days into this journey. I didn't improve much, but I didn't lose much either.
Goals achieved: 3/6 achieved
Today's Overall Rating: 7.5/10. A lot of room for improvement.

Journal Dated Afternoon of 06/06/2024

[flint sleet]

Extra Troubles 1 06/06/2024
I thought of only using this journal only as a daily morning/afternoon report on the going ons of my life. But this entry will be more personal and emotional. I'm 21 now. I turned 21 roughly 3 months ago. I dropped out of college more than a year ago now. I was a solid student. A+. People called me smart, but I honestly didn't feel like it. College felt so empty. I looked at everyone else and felt like I had zero accomplishments. I never truly worked towards anything I felt was meaningful. I saw people drew so much art and be so creative, and I felt like I could never have that same creative mind.
8 days ago I started my artistic journey. I stopped pursuing my electrical engineering major even though math was like the easiest thing to me and pursued more creative endeavors. Too be honest, learning to draw was harder than any calculus class I've taken, and I've had so many sucky drawings that I'm too embarrassed to show. I want to be successful in this, and I want to have hope for the future. Right now, the engine is full of coal and outputing a lot of steam. My body still has a long way to go, but it's more nuanced than that. Far more complex and nuanced than I could explain.

I've lived in the US for as long as I can remember. I came here when I was 7. English is effectively my first language, as my native language has slowly rusted away due to disuse. I honestly grew up thinking I would have the same opportunity as every other kid. But that was before adulthood. My..... immigration status is complicated. My mom has been managing that, and it pains me to say it.... incompetently. She barely understands what's going on, and would never tell me anything. I wish I could have a simpler life like some other people. Then again, I, too, have a simpler life than many others as well. 

I can't legally work. Doing so requires an application, $400 fee, 1 year processing time. Small price for some. But for me, it's devastating.

***Extra Troubles 1.5 ***06/06/2024
Everything feels so blurry. It feels so.... I don't want to say hopeless. But it certainly isn't inspiring. I guess what I meant to say is I'm just so confused and lost. Sometimes stuck too. and sometimes I feel like I don't know how to get out of it. I've been doing good so far. But even then, I still can't be too certain whether or not I will truly end up successful. I feel scared.... quite often.
I sometimes feel alone. I don't mean that I feel lonely. I didn't really feel miserable when I don't see or talk to people. I can manage fine on my with emotionally. But this? Life in general? It's hard. I keep convincing myself that I am strong enough to go through on my own. That is a lie, and I keep lying to myself. I just kept thinking that if I admit that "I can't do this on my own," it would be a sign of weakness. There are friends and people willing to help. But honestly? Talking about feels great, but it doesn't solve much. I feel so entitled and a jerk saying that sentence. Talking is great. But the help I need feels like is something that no-one is obligated or even able to provide. They'd be a saint to put their faith in helping in what I needed.

I feel like a jerk, an asshole, and an entitled cunt for thinking this, and thinking it often. I somehow wish I could make better and more helpful friends. This implying my current ones aren't helpful or good enough just makes me ughhh.

I think I can best summarize it this way. I want to save myself from life hardest struggles, but I'm always doubtful that I can. I wish I could have it easy if someone else could save me instead. Perhaps this is a far more honest and succinct way of putting it.

[flint sleet]

Extra Troubles 1.5 Finale 06/06/2024
Extra troubles has been quite the long entry. Even after all this, my mind still isn't fully laid out. But this is the last one.

Yeah. There's just so much out there. I feel like I'm the only one in this particular kind of trouble and is the only one pushing forward. Friends and acquaintances cheer me on, and it definitely motivate me. But I'm tired, and I get tired. I wish I was stronger. I fancy a lot of things. I wish someone could help me push too. 
I know I'm speaking in hella metaphors and code, and I'm probably not making a lot of sense. I don't even know what I want from a friend sometimes. Or what they can do to help. What does it mean to have someone push forward in life with me? what does it all even mean to me? 
When I was younger I thought I wanted to have a family in the future. I had a girlfriend from high school. We planned a lot, but it ultimately didn't work out. Years of thinking, rethinking has made me embrace being single. I thought the breakup was a gift, and that I would find greater fulfillment being alone. I could pursue whatever I wanted in peace, and all that I have belonged to me. 
But I've been rethinking that too. Do I really want to be alone for the rest of my life? It really is hard doing so. Does it really matter if I become a great artist and no-one ever cared? Can I really be happy just by satisfying myself? I do get a lot of happiness and pleasure being praised and feeling like I matter to someone. And I also want to be indispensable to someone too. 
I am just so confused. I don't know what I want out of this whole thing. And I'm a little bit tired. This will be the end of it. I'm sure it'll come up again, but not for a while. It was a great thing I have this journal to rant to.

Somewhere, sometime, while I'm marching forward. I'll come to realize my efforts are worth it.

[flint sleet]

Today is another new day. The previous couple of days have been rather stagnant. Growth has taken a little more effort, and I need to adapt my days to overcome this. I'm going to do my best to optimize my days and reform how I do things to better achieve all my daily goals. It might be tough, but I'm tougher.
I seriously need to reconsider how I go about making my progress. The first few days starting this jouney has been really good. Explosive progress, explosive growth. The last couple of days has me wondering why I'm not able to replicate the success of my starting days. I wanted to soldier on today as well, but as I am starting my day, I just feel like I can't. I don't understand what is wrong. I thought I've taken long, solid breaks. I need to completely overhaul something, but I just can't be sure what.
I'll start by overhauling how I take my breaks. No more morning/afternoon breaks. One full day break per 3 work day. And I can't think about productivity at all during those break days. Hopefully this'll reset me fully.

~~Week 2 Goals:: learn to draw faces. Finish another 1/3rd of my programming book (5 chapters). Make home exercises a daily routine. Continuously push my comfort zone. ~~
No worrying about week 2 goals today
Today's Goals: A lot like yesterday but different. Learn to draw faces. Finish chapter 9: classes. Finish another chapter in math. Learn basics of Krita. Exercise. Don't burn myself out while doing these.
Relax. No art, no math, no programming. no stress. Just start doing anything else but those. Don't even think about them.

Today I want to feel: Continuous flow of energy. Stable in motivation. Fully recharged. Recharge completely. Unlike the breaks I've taken before, this has to fully recharge myself for more days.
Today's wordle answer was: ||Melon||
Today's word of the day: Serenity (The state of being calm, peaceful, untroubled)

Journal Dated Morning of: 06/07/2024

[flint sleet]

Today was okay I guess. Not "okay" as in nothing good. I'm just no sure if I'm doing my part in recharging and destressing. I still haven't quite figured out why my last couple of days have been more difficult than my starting days. I did nothing today. Which I won't really put myself on blast for. I'm still trying to learn to draw, program, and relearn math.
Honestly, I'm not even sure why I am learning math again. I don't even know what I'm gonna do with it. I just feel it in my guts that it's important somehow. I just kinda like learning it or just feel like learning it cuz it's cool and will allow me to do cool things. Robotics is cool.
There's nothing much to add. So here's this

***Today's Mood Rating: *** 10/10. No, there isn't anything so good or excellent like getting married. I just loved how absolutely free of stress I was by doing absolutely nothing. It was a do nothing, enjoy existing kind of day.
Today's Productivity Rating: N/A. It's a day completely detached from productivity.
Goals Achieved: 1/1. I like to think that making myself fully detach from stress and productivity reduces stress and is a time investment into future productivity.
Today's Overall rating: 9.5/10 Looking back at my day, It was actually pretty great and relaxing. I didn't feel it during the day, but now that I'm back home, I feel so much better. I only hope that this isn't some weird placebo effect, and I genuinely hope that this will put me back on the path towards productivity.

---

also, I know learning art is an arduous journey, and I will suffer a lot of failures and embarrassments. I know it's only like, 1.5 weeks in, butI do feel like I should be getting places. But this complete shutoff of my shameful parts of the journey may not be very useful for future growth and development.

I'm just gonna post this piece and completely embarrass myself in this journal for CHARACTER GROWTH

🤮 🤮 🤮 🤮 🤮 🤮 🤮 🤮 🤮 🤮 🤮 🤮 🤮

😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭

I legit wanna vomit at this fucking thing 🤮 😭 . My stomach churns so bad just looking 😭 . IT'S SO FUCKING CRINGEEEEE OHHGHHHHH MY LOOOOOORDDDDDDD

I'm gonna go drink my sorrow away tonight. I ain't seeing this journal till...... idk when tomorrow. Goodbye yall

Journal Dated Afternoon of 06/07/2024

[flint sleet]

Hello again to another morning. I'll return to drawing, programming, and math in full force today. I hope I can do this, because I think I had a great destressor yesterday. And... I hope I don't stress myself out too much today. I want to improve, so I'll retake the initiative and be productive. Here goes.

Week 2 Goals: Learn to draw faces. Finish another 1/3rd of my programming book (5 chapters). Make home exercise a daily routine
Today's Goals: Learn to draw faces (just a little bit). Finish chapter 9: Classes. Learn Krita (a little bit). introduce myself to graphic design (a little bit)
Today I want to feel: less stress (optimize work and self-talk to minimize stress). Satisfied at a day well done.
Today's wordle answer was: ||hence||
Today's word of the day is: luminous

Journal Dated Morning of: 06/08/2024

[flint sleet]

Extra Entry 1 06/08/2024
I've never really drawn in my life until I started last Wednesday. I know it's not easy, but I just didn't know how hard it would be on my mind to learn. It's far more uneasy than I thought, especially when self-taught. There's so much to learn in order to draw a face. Eyes, nose, ears, mouth. Also there's so many fundamentals to drawing, perspective, gesture, construction, and there's also light & color that I have barely even started learning.
I honestly think learning to draw might be the most difficult thing for me. Even harder than learning calculus 3 and more advanced math classes for me. It's hard pursuing something that I am not innately good at. Even though art is something I like and want to learn, I was also never taught just how to deal with failing or being frustrated with something that is actually difficult for me. But I'll learn that too.
I'm trying to learn, setting goals, but it's a slow process that I wish could be faster. I'm learning. But I want to remind myself of why I learn. I'm gonna start finding artists I like and give myself an end-goal as well.

It feels so much like work. There's just so many things. So many fundamentals about art that I just don't yet understand fully or grasp easily. It's just so unclear to me how I should proceed learning art in the most efficient way possible.

I want to have the creativity, or at least develop it, to create my own OC in a beautiful way. I don't know how to feel about the fact that it will be quite some months before that comes to fruition.

Here's some art that is obviously not mine. But I want to share it because it reminds me why I want to learn. I don't know how to express this with words, but something about it feels great. It feels like so much talent to just... draw. It's aspirational, but I want to improve enough to make something like these. However long it takes.

(sorry that I don't know who the original artists where. These were just in my computer for a long time. Also sorry if I snuck some AI art in there. But it's still cool to look at nonetheless.

The disparity between what I can do now, and the things I just shared is Staggering but I can't let it daunt me so far. One day. Not today, not this month, probably not even this year. But one day.

I feel.... not stressed? maybe a little stressed? I have massive problems handling even a little bit of stress. This is what happens when you never push your comfort zone until your 20s. Start challenging yourself.

I'm gonna go get a drink. It's the weekends, so I can drink at 2:30PM.

This one by Sam Yang on Twitter(no, fuck X. It's not called that). It's seriously cool as shit.

[flint sleet]

I'm watching some artists draw, and they're just drawing the contours no problem and have the perfect shape laid out in their heads, and I'm here needing guide lines and a ruler to get the stuff perfectly right.

[flint sleet]

I’m genuinely surprised how much I got done with absolutely how many distractions I’ve given myself. Math, draw, unfortunately no programming, but that’s kinda expected.
It was really a mistake to just start drinking at 2PM. A whole afternoon… surprisingly not completely wasted. My friends invited me out for a movie, and I just couldn’t refuse. I felt like I should’ve. But I’m not really busy… just learning stuff by myself. So I went.
Today wasn’t a bad haul for what it was worth. I’m not gonna beat myself up too harshly.

Today’s Mood Rating: 9/10. A solid mix of work and play. Probably shouldn’t get drunk at 2:30PM when there’s still a lot of hours left in the day.
Today’s Productivity Rating: 7.9/10 despite not much done nominally, I did like how efficiently I did it despite the flaws in my environment and lack of total mental focus. Less distractions and more focus would be greatly needed in the days to come. Easily could’ve been a 9 today if not for that.
Today’s goals achieved 3/4. Did mostly art stuff. Unfortunately no programming learned for the last 3 days. Quite unfortunate but will pick up the pace in the future
Today’s Overall Rating: 8.5/10 solid day. It’s hard to notice the day by day small improvements, but I think I’m getting somewhere.

A bit of drawing exercise with eyes. I think I’m starting to get okay with drawing eyes no?

Left side is more complete eye exercise.
Right side is just free styling with any shape and form.

Journal Dated night of 06/08/2024

[flint sleet]

I hit the snooze button twice and found myself waking up at 8:30. I normally wake up at 7. I'm not gonna lie, the extra hour and a half sleep I got felt fucking amazing. I hate how I sleep for 8 hours, waking up at 7, still feels really groggy.
I didn't start my day until 9AM, which is only 30 minutes ago. Normally I would've finish my morning routine by now and started either drawing or learning programming. But I'm just gonna delay that by another two hours. It'll be fine. It's a Sunday.
Honestly, I'm just thinking of what my life could be other than doing what I'm doing. Maybe I could spice up my days somehow, but that's a question for another day.

Week 2 Goals: It's been stated so many times already, and I'm only like.... 50% complete with it all. It's okay tho. I'll roll it into next week's goals if I have to.
Today's Goals: Chapter 9: Classes (let this be done today already). Practice on some portraits and references. Figure out what it is I wanted to draw. Figure out a plan on how to use what I learned throughout the day.
Today I want to feel: As usual. low stress, high productivity. Efficiency and optimization matters.
Today's Wordle Answer: ||Crowd||

Journal Dated Morning of: 06/09/2024

[flint sleet]

I drank too much fucking caffeine or something IDK. I feel so hyper rn and going so high in energy. I can’t do stuff. Damn.

I’ll try my best to exercise it off.

[flint sleet]

I'm ending the day early. Just had a 4 hour drive for an errand. tired af and it's a hotass day. Nothing today.

Today's overall rating: 5/10. It's just an average day with average stuff and... yeah. It's a mid day. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Journal Dated Afternoon of 06/09/2024

[flint sleet]

End of Week 2
I was gonna write this yesterday, but I honestly just couldn't. My sleep schedule took a minor hit. I hope it doesn't knock me out of it. Anyway, week 2 was far from ideal, but I also shouldn't beat myself up for it. I managed to do a lot of things, set goals, accomplish a lot of them, improved some place where I could.

Honestly, I forgot a lot of what I should say since I had it in mind yesterday. I got nothing else so, here's this
Week 2 Rating: C+. It was pretty average. Maybe slighly above average.

Week 3 begins
Honestly, I woke up at 9:40 something. This is the latest I've ever woken up at. It's the beginning of of week 3, and I still have a lot of missing puzzle pieces as to what to do and how I can get to where I want to be.

the biggest challenge has always been trying to remind myself my goals, why I want to do them, and why they mean so much to me. Sometimes I just don't feel the spark as I often do. I have desires that often obstruct me from my goals. Sometimes it's procrastinations, but a lot comes from the fact that I somewhat tire easily. I also get distracted easily, and I sometimes can't focus. I'm too often day dreaming or just not in my own head.

I don't understand why I am so distracted and not in my head. I won't let it frustrate me, but it is a problem I wanna solve. I just gotta figure out how.

Week 3 goals: Haven't thought of one just yet. Maybe start drawing figure/gesture by the end of the week
Today's Goals: continue as before. new chapter of books, more drawing tutorials.
Today I want to feel: It's complicated. But I wanna come to an understanding of why I procrastinate, get distracted, unfocused. And I wanna resolve those problems to continue pursuing my goals.
Today's wordle answer was ||Manga||

***Journal Dated Noon of *** 06/10/2024

My attention span is fucking horrible lmao

[flint sleet]

It's Tuesday. It's been pretty clear to me so far that I have been burning through motivation and energy. Normally, these days, I would've given up already.
I really don't want to give up, but my body often makes me this way. I don't wanna give up. I gotta somehow get myself back on track.
I will slice my productivity in half if I have to just to ensure I do at least something everyday instead of nothing.
I didn't do an end of day journal yesterday because I really did slip a bit. I'll restart with far smaller items than before

Today's Goals:

• Learn Programming
• draw whatever I like
• jog
• pushups, pullups, situps, and others

Journal Dated Morning of 06/11/2024

[flint sleet]

Why is it so fucking hard to commit to the goal. I wish it was easier to commit.

[flint sleet]

I'm having the hardest time returning to my usual productivity. I think giving more effort writing this journal like I did at the start of it will help. But I need to do much more than that.
I always had passion for a lot. But the biggest problem is that few weeks into starting them, I give up. Burning through motivation, burning through passion, whatever. I just.... stop.
I can't let this happen this time. I need to overcome this problem. And I need to come up with solutions.
The problem is that I can't stay motivated or passion long term. I procrastinate a lot. I don't get why. One main reason is probably that I am being productive at a location where I also play my games. It's a place where I both work and play.
Transitioning between these two modes might be really taxing.
Another problem is maybe social media. I don't know if there's any proof if that could be the case, but I need to cut that off as much as possible. Limiting my idleing screentime as much as possible could help.
Finding support to fix a little bit of loneliness. I personally thought that I'll be fine being completely alone, but I need to be honest with myself. Is that actually really healthy? I didn't say this before, but I wish I had my cat. I couldn't get a job to feed him, so my brother takes care of him now. I'll have a picture framed. Maybe that'll remind me.

For the sake of personal morale, I won't publicly state how my day today has been

Problem: unable to maintain continuous effort and focus in my goals.
Reasons:

• Poor work/relaxation environment
• Social media usage
• a sense of loneliness and lack of drive
  Solutions
• Adjust table and lighting. Create rituals to transition work and play.
• Curb unnecessary Youtube, Instagram, Tiktok usage (takes willpower)
• Have a picture of something I love framed on my desk to remind me I'm not alone.

Last few days have been the largest setbacks to my goals. I'll climb out, like always.

Journal Dated Night of 06/11/2024

[flint sleet]

Another morning journal. I'll keep it short until I start drawing again.

This Week's goals: Finish learning Python. Start drawing gestures and from references
Today's Goals: Detox. Make my brain more focused and away from addictive content online.
balance between goals and self-abasement. Try to pursue my goals without degrading myself
Today I want to feel: inner peace. pursuing my goals always feel so stressful, but it really shouldn't.
Today's Wordle answer was ||deter||

[flint sleet]

ah

[flint sleet]

It's been probably a week since I got off the path of my goal. I've done some reflecting, and it's due to a lot of reasons. A ginormous list of bad habits for one. Actually, I think that might be the entire reason. But there's just so many bad habits to take down, it's insane. I need to cut off what's tying me back before I can properly pursue my goals. It's a lot, but here goes.

• Bad Posture
• distracted eating
• fast eating
• overeating
• overdrinking
• unhealthy food intake
• sedantary
• not enough exercise
• overwhelming electronic, screen time usage
• poor relaxation hygiene
• poor sleep hygiene
• unbalanced diet
• pessimism/negative self-talk
• harboring of grudges and resentment.

Every single one of these have been accumulated throughout my years of self-neglect, and over the past year in my battle of depression, I have attempted to combat every single one of these. Some met with great success but only for a short while. I don't understand why I can't maintain the fight against it all.

It's like I constantly have amnesia that I have to fight these bad traits. I need to prevent them from happening. How can I constantly remind myself to keep fighting these bad habits? Why am I forgetting to pursue my goals? Why am I forgetting to combat bad habits?

Lack of immediate results? Very likely. My pessimism hurts me the worst ways.
insufficient motivation? I don't think I can get more motivation even if I tried. Something else has to be it.
Lack of support? I think I'm fine going through all this. I've told a lot of people about it already. It should be fine.
Environmental triggers? This is a painfully likely problem. I could be pulled back into back habits by my environment. But since I only have one environment to live in, I have to fight this with willpower alone.
Pessimism/Negative mind-set? The most likely culprit. I need to start reframing my mind more positively. I will stop fearing and start loving. More and more.

[flint sleet]

The bad habits had made a lot of my days and nights physically miserable. I literally can't sleep tonight because of it. Why am I not getting this in my head long-term? Why can't my brain just remember... long-term that this is a problem? Why can't it remind itself? Why is the memory of this so poor? Is it because I have so long purposefully forced myself to forget bad things in my life? If that is the case, I will never do so again. The past is a part of me. I need to stop resenting my past. I need to stop holding grudges against myself. I will do that. Because holy shit today is a 0/10.

[flint sleet]

addiction fucking sucks. Relapsing fucking sucks. I keep thinking to myself "oh, it'll all be fine. It's okay. I'm totally not gonna ruin myself from this thing. One more time couldn't hurt."

The cognitive dissonance I'm having is insane. I keep thinking I'll be fine, I'm better than everyone else at this. That I'm invincible. It's so exasperating to fall into that trap every single time.

It's just so hard to admit how fragile my brain is. It's so hard to admit how much baby sitting I need for myself. Day to day functioning shouldn't have to take this much effort.

It cravings I have is just insane. The thought of "one more time. One more dose. Just one more. I should be able to do this forever, it shouldn't be that harmful." Jesus Christ, this is just horrible.