It shouldn't be this way, but it is. It's horrible. It's corrupt. It is like wind that circles your heart. Like the earth, it's heavy and keeps spinning. Keeping you on the edge. Whether or not we jump is what we decide.
That ledge that we stand on is tempting. It can look beautiful. With roses and butterflies. Or it can look horrible. With thorns and monsters. But I've seen and heard that when we all look back we see monsters too. I don't blame those people for jumping. It's gorgeous afterall. But I seem to have found something not many people can say they have.
After standing on that ledge, staring for hours on end at that beautiful rose, I feel the ground beneath me start to crumble. To give away. The only thing you knew to be true, just going away.
But I didn't fall. Or maybe I did. I don't know. All I know is that I made choices that led me here. And I found a bridge. A long one, unsteady in some places, and wobbly in others. But it is another way.
No one ever said it would be easy, so I won't lie to you like that. I never want to lie to someone who feels the ground crumbling. Or even the people who haven't reached the edge yet. Everyone deserves time and respect to find their own way. Their own path. We may not always like their way, or understand.
But that's when we find who's really here. When they stay. Why they try. It might hurt. So much. Like a needle goes through your heart over and over threading it over, trying to take you to that garden. But I think those people are like a light. They just
Cut the thread
They make it easier
Not easy
But manageable
We don't decide who comes into our lives or even who stays. but we can decide how it affects us.
That garden never looked so beautiful. More flowers. More animals. More pleasure. But I can't wait to see what's on the other side of that bridge.
#I think maybe my heart spilled out its blood, but it wasnt just red
granite zodiac
granite zodiac
I think the bridge isnt so sturdy. Not just the ground. Everything everywhere. Being surrounded by darkness that you didn't choose. Blood coming from inside where it hurts the most. I think maybe my heart lost its blood. Dark ruby red with a taste for my mind. But whatever. It is what it I right?
Countless things going through my mind, but I think there's some common ones that won't shut up. Repeating themselves until I hear nothing else. or nothing at all.
granite zodiac
I did it again. I promised myself I wouldn't. I swore to the child that once lived inside me that I wouldn't. I don't like it, but how I love it at the same time. Pain is my home afterall. Well, more or less.
I know I shouldn't have done it. But it just happened. I thought and decided. I don't know if it will start again. But with how I did it now I can't say for certain it won't.
It in a way I guess is a reflection of what's on the inside. But I cant quite decode it. It's like a separate force entirely that takes hold. Like a scar that never goes away.
I wish they would. They always remind me. Remind me of what could've been. Or what I could've done or not done. Maybe I want something visible to show. So that people won't call me bluff on something im not even lying about.
I wish I didn't. But it just happened. I don't want it to happen again. So I guess it's just moving on until it goes away. Till it becomes manageable. And when I can ignore it. Hopefully one day I won't experience it anymore. I won't have to explain it to people who I love, or care about. It's one of the most vulnerable parts of me, like an open wound, waiting to be stitched. And I hope that next time, people will actually care rather than calling me a part of the statistics
granite zodiac
I'm worried. Always have been a bit of a worrier, overthinker, carer. I don't know if I can truly help. Especially when I can't just be there and fix everything. I hope that everything is okay, and I didnt do anything to offend anyone constantly. I worry if people I care about are okay, even if it's just the slightest bit of annoyance at me. Or they just stop talking. I always think the worst. So I hope everything is okay. And I'll always be here
granite zodiac
A million miles away it seems
from where I once was
Happy, innocent, and free
Where did the time go?
When did I start feeling this way?
When did I feel the need to do these things?
Will I tell anyone?
probably not
but that's okay
I don't like worrying people in the first place
I say that because I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of everything
It can overcome you in ways you didn't realize
Will that stop me from helping or being kind to people?
Heck no
Do I wish people didn't see me the way they do?
Do I wish I didn't get those looks?
Those stares?
The comments?
Of course
A million miles away it seems
everything is
Or they are all there at once
No in between
But I've learned to live with them
Whether that be to forget or ignore
Either way it isn't good for me
But it is what it is right?
I'm just one person
A lonely and useless person
So what can I really do?
I don't know
Maybe I'll find out one day
I just hope that everything doesn't lead to it
The strange way of thinking
Like an inner monster talking to me
Convincing me
Belittling me
And most times I believe them
That's probably why I do it
At least I hope that's the case
If it was truly just me,
I'd feel bad for the little kid who once believed in her future
granite zodiac
yesterday was the first day
I'm not sure why
But I'm so glad it was
True that mindset still was there
But I didn't feel the need to
Maybe it was because I was more tired then normal
but whatever the reason
I'm glad for it
granite zodiac
It didn't last long
The better mindset
Everything gets worse
when someone gets mad at me
Or I cause a inconvenience
That's what I am
An inconvenience
Always have been and always will be
Constant fear if loosing people
it's suffocating like water in your lungs
It burns till you can't breath
I hate people getting mad me
It made it worse tonight
More than just one
And deeper
More ruby red
More of the numbness
Dripping down my arm
Leaving permanent marks
I feel so hideous in my own skin
I claw at it
Try to get out of myself
Then I try to cut myself out
All I see is the ruby red dripping down
Not from one but six
I hate being like this