just to get it out and so someone hears it 🙂
i am probably procrastinating right now ❤️
#astro's ramblings
polar hound
Decided to start this bc I need to get my thoughts out of my head and tell someone at least or they just keep bouncing around in there (plenty of empy space to do that). I had a pretty good day, got to play piano for a couple hours and that's important. I love music more than anything and I've been trying to write my own recently, but I haven't rlly gotten anywhere yet. Tough bc I am not really feeling a lot recently, so not much to write ab. Good day tho and I'm looking forward to seeing my friends tmr. Have a good one : )
astro's ramblings
polar hound
I would really like to feel normal rn, but i guess that this is my normal. I don't really feel anything except wishing that I could go back a few months and live the good parts over again. Aside from that, I'm pretty much completely numb right now. I just miss all of those little moments and i know that I'll have more in the future but i can never have those moments, those times again. what if the best really is behind me and i'll never be happy again? sure feels like it sometimes.
polar hound
It has been a good day and I am happy. I have a huge crush on my best friend so that's not great...but hey that's just how it goes. Not really sure what to write about, but today a teacher who I really like patted me on the back and it made me feel really good 🙂 I wish I weren't so awkward all the time tho, even talking is kinda painful sometimes and it has been getting worse, but I'm getting better at trying to cope with that and I've had some actual kinda alright conversations in the past few days. I just wish it were as easy to talk as it used to be, idk what happened but it is what it is. hope whoever sees this has a wonderful day!
polar hound
TW depression suicide. The depression is STRONG today. I feel like no matter what friend group I'm in, no matter what point of my life, I'm always that one friend who everyone kinda jokingly makes fun of. Except it feels like it's not a joke anymore, and every friend group I've ever been in, I start to feel like they hate me. I say they would reach out of they cared, so I won't. After all, if they care about me they would reach out, right? When they ineviatably do, I say it's out of pity. They don't care about me, they care about their own guilt and the knowing that they drove me away. Sometimes I go back. I talk to them, we have fun, just like before. Except now I can't get that feeling out of my head that they hate me. It probably isn't true, but what if it is? What if they do hate me? What if I'm never going to fit in or find people who will actually accept me and just let me be without making me feel bad? It is true. They do hate me. I don't fit in and I never will, and even if I do, I'm just going to end up pushing them away anyway. And it's stupid because I know I have a pattern, I know I'm just complaining and that this won't change anything and that if I want to feel better I have to reach out. I know that this self-deprecation is stupid and I should get help and I'm just complaining but not actually doing anything to help it, but i can't function and I can barely talk on a good day ||and if I fall into another depressive episode, that's it. It's over. I don't care anymore. What's the point of living if I'm bad at the only things I care about and I am hated by the only people I care about? I didn't think I would survive last summer, and if I keep spiraling, I know I won't survive this one.||
polar hound
Why didn't I say anything? My best friend showed me a picture a while ago (like probably 2 months) that was about alterous attraction and then told me that they had a crush on me a few days later but didn't want to date bc we would end up not being friends if we did that (totally understand and agree). Then a couple weeks later they showed me the picture again and was like "yeah I showed you this right?" and very obviously hinted that they still had feelings for me (this was like a month ago by now) and I should have said something, but now I have the biggest crush on them and I don't think they do on me anymore and idk why but it's really bothering me because now I have these feelings that they don't and I wish I could go back in time and change it. It shouldn't matter this much to me but I can't get it out of my head that they'll never love me and maybe nobody will. Wow, I'm really melodramatic today. Anyway have a good one!
High school never ends does it lol
polar hound
Do I tell them or not? I don't think they have romantic feelings for me anymore, but I definitely do for them and I would hate it if I never told them but I would hate it more if we lose our friendship and there's a risk of that if I do.
Anyway it has been getting harder and harder to talk and interact with people for some reason, it is hard to get words out a lot of the time.
I just feel so awkward and weird and if I weren't so awkward people would want to hang out with me and they are right now but I can barely speak and I'm so awkward and if I'm always like this they wont want me around anymore so I wish it could go back to the way it was but I can barely talk and I hate to be around people because even the people who im most comfortable around are hard for me to talk around
polar hound
It's been a few days, and things have been alright. Just still harder to talk than it ever has been before, so I'm extra awkward. Idk, i just wish i could function. It's really hard to talk and if this keeps going then im gonna lose relationships because i can't talk or socially function quite right. Anyway, have a great day! So so many of you on this server are so wonderful and kind, and I hope whatever's going on with you gets better or stays good!
polar hound
I had a really hard day yesterday. A lot of my friend are going on a trip for a class and only my closest friend and another friend are still here, and they keep ditching me to go do other things and in the morning my friend was like ha yeah i dragged astro here and it was funny and I could tell that they care about me, but right after that it got weird for some reason and idk how to make it not weird. It's just a new social situation and I'm having a lot of trouble navigating it and it will probably be fine in a few days, but just weird for now and because none of my other friends are here rn idk what to do.