Hey guys I'm Mubi, I've had BPD ever since I was a child. It's affected my life more than I can imagine, but I think I've grown into a strong and sassy, if not always secure, woman. I started this journal as a dare to myself if I could. It's basically, I think, gonna be just poems and memoir, nothing too personal (we can't have that now, can we?). If you want to share your thoughts, my DMs are always open.
This journal started as some kind of silly contest. I wanted to prove to a guy that my feelings weren't all that alien. Most of everything I've done in my life has been to prove something to someone. Either to my mother that I didn't give a shit, or to my teachers that I didn't actually give a shit, or to myself that I didn't really give a shit.
It's supposed to be challenging to keep a record of your feelings, because feelings are supposed to be these incorporeal entities. How, my mind asks me, am I supposed to capture something that doesn't want to be caught?
Maybe I don't need to capture my feelings at all. Maybe i just need to pretend that I have.
#The Jarring Mubi
undone marsh
There isn't a word I'd ever use
To describe everything you
There are a thousand words I'd never use
To try to capture you
You feel so much of a different kind
Like me an alien, poor you
(all alone, no one to take care of you)
But from a different planet
Than me (poor me)
There isn't a problem you couldn't solve
There isn't an equation you can't decode
But you forget I'm not a problem or equation,
I'm just me.
Just me.
People come, people go
People die, I know I'm close
To the message of this poetic fucking prose
Hoping you mean it, afraid that you don't
You're stubborn, I'm crazy
Lol lol lol
Someone shut the fucking window
It's chilly outside, and I know
I don't deserve to be frozen to death
Because I reached, once, a false high note.
undone marsh
You keep sayin'
You gonna pay attenshun
And I dance da dance
And smile da smile
Until ya do.
My love is like an icicle
It burns how cold he is
My love is not a psychical
Can't tell if he knows he is
burning me with his frozen icy wintry
methodicalness
undone marsh
A poem about having BPD:
We are aliens
We are fools
We are chameleons
But we're obtuse
We're only looking for love
But we find a lot of pain
We hurt a lot of people
Even when we have nothing to gain
They don't know what's wrong with us
But we also don't
They think they saw us once
When they were children
And they looked into the mirror
and smiled.
And we smiled back.
undone marsh
Extreme love be like
The cliff is here
You lose his love you gonna
End up splat
But if you dare to step off
You land in only grass.
Turns out there was
No great fall.
undone marsh
I wanna say
kmn
I wanna say that to you.
But I know
That you would read it
Wrong
Or rather, right
And you would think
Quite rightly
That something's wrong
With me.
You'd get a doctor
To peak at my brain
You'd get a therapist
To tell me how how much
I have to gain
From stayin
In the fight
I wanna say
kmn
Let me go,
now.
undone marsh
Mera aadmi ayega, our maid used to cry
With so much wonder I would examine
The awe in her eyes
Eyes down, looking at the clothes
Her aadmi, she knew,
Was going to come
Any minute, climb in through the window
Walk past the bus rush
Into the mouth of the Sunday crush
Mera aadmi!
Aa raha hein!
Such faith you will not find
Except in the eyes of a Buddha
It would be in vain to tell her
Aapka aadmi peeta hein daadu.
Aapka aadmi, woh sharab khaane mein pada hein.
Mera aadmi aayega! she would cry
And the entire world telling her otherwise
Would not make her doubt
Her soul.
undone marsh
Loss they get used to
Fate they let lead the way
Tears become familiar
Love is just another day
Smiles become banal
Sorrows become cheap
A laugh becomes currency
Emotions bought on the street
I see you and I forget
That happiness doesn't seep
Forever is a doormat
On which to wipe our feet
It is loneliness that creates
An illusion of a deathly creep
Ask the one who's fortunate
And he'll tell you,
Eternity isn't deep.
undone marsh
An arguesome nature
I am foretold
Leaves much to be desired
When you tell people
What they'd least like to know
They become none the wiser
They quarrel when they should pliable be
They muster confidence from nowhere
An arguesome nature brings out, indeed
A minimum of human care.
You write a book, they call you a scholar
But of the dinner table beware
There are people who are hungry and not in the mood
For your loquacious au contrare.
An arguesome nature brings out the worst
Of sharpened swordly tongues
Even people pure and humble, you will find
Will roll up their sleeves when stung.
undone marsh
How are you single
You're so special
How has no one seen?
How are you single
When you are so
Meaningful to me
How has the light
Of your eyes
Not fished the darkness out of being
How are the cruel ages still
Wiping your joys clean
How are you single
When you have such a
Rarity of sheen
If you are single, then I know
This world must be unclean.
How are you single, oh my love
What were you waiting for
A declaration like mine or
Just one miracle more?
undone marsh
You know
My only dream
That has stuck with me
Was when
I was lying
Spreadeagled
On the floor
Of an abandoned building
That was under construction
And wet cement
Was dripping on me
From the ceiling.
undone marsh
There is a purpose behind every fall
To see who will stand tall
If you never had to try before you reached the top
It would mean nothing at all
You have a purpose or you haven't one at all
But if you do, your life's something more
You ain't just livin every breath that you got
That breath belongs to a cause.
Oh, those stars, they shine, will and were
But you'll only shine for today
But what's burning in your heart
Will survive your final fall
And on and on, like a star, will stay
undone marsh
I feel like begging
For five minutes
Of your time
If it will leave me
With pleasant scars.
undone marsh
An indifference cherished
Or left to atrophy
becomes
Emptiness
Oh a cold shroud
Would be warmer than you.
Less indifferent.
A cool grave spliced with worms
Would be tastier than your
Shots at humanity.
You, particularly, are not looking
Out for anyone.
Only everyone as a whole
Teach me, I beg
Your ways, master.
undone marsh
A GIF of a Man Falling Down the Stairs
Another step.
It's just another step,
I say.
I'm back on my feet.
It's deadly the hurt.
My back aches
Phantomly
There's nothing wrong with me.
But the stairs—I say
—how?
I was at the bottom of the stairs.
Yes, it whispers.
But you are a gif, you don't deja vu.
Of memory you don't share
There's only so much,
That you can bear
Before you end up
At the top of the stairs,
Back again
A pseudo-memory,
You're sure you're quite—
Quite insane.
But there's no hurt,
Or pain.
undone marsh
He's like a rock on my heart
He's like a pain in my chest
He's like a stab into my breast,
I created him, he's me.
For real, there isn't -
Any thing to touch.
No two beating hearts,
Only one heavy soul.
A phantom, a memory
A nice recording, a feeling
A person, far away
Unaware - no, just chillin
Can you not see?
They should write Beware!
Carved into my flesh
Painted with my blood
A mistake
is all it was.
Is all I was.
Little sun
Little sun
Why are you sitting there
Little sun
Have they burned you?
I'm sorry you're sitting there
And there's no one to hold you
Little sun
Have they burned you?
I'm sorry you're all the way
over there
I'm sorry there's no one's overcoat around you
Little sun
Your tears are pearls
Hitting the ground
All the way over there
Baby please
Don't remember
All the way down over there
How the pearls slide down the poles
Back the way back there
Little baby
Little sun
Please hold
My hand
Your hand
All the way over there
Don't remember
Don't reach out
Don't be anything but cozy
Cry your pearls
Let them slide down
your eye, tear your strings
Let them fall, bounce with their weight
All the way down
Cry not tears
But blood on your cheeks
Like a moon, like a flower,
Like a moon flower
Opening in the sunshine
Little sun
Little man
Cry your things,
Then fly back
All the way
out there.
undone marsh
A Tree of Curse and Blood
There was a tree.
Cursed with knowledge.
It had a branch
That grew.
It had the whispering soil
All around it
Stained with water
And red dew
And the tree
Spoke up and said
I am the Life
It’s true
I am a tree
Cursed with blood
My strong branches
Are forced anew
Into strange shapeless
Objects of dread
See me at night
You’ll piss yourself through
Like a baby
You’ll tell me your secrets
You’ll babble to me
All you ever drew
From life itself
I am a tree
Cursed with knowledge
Alight on me
Feathers that knew
Flight and air
But nevermore—
Cursed with death
The birds that once
Flew.
undone marsh
Because I could not stop to study
My studies stopped for me
The exam contained but ourselves
And things I'd never seen
undone marsh
The night is lovely, dark and deep
And I have no more promises to keep
Nothing to make me stay up and weep
Just a firm hand guiding me to sleep.
undone marsh
You never finish a conversation
My failure to get your attention
Gets on my nerves and affects my concentration
Our mutual tension
Feels like condescension
I'm in one and you're in the other dimension
Do I only get honorable mention
In your life, or is this my misapprehension
Dammit, now I've got hypertension.
undone marsh
God help me
My name is a lie
It means bringer
Of good news
And I am the fucjing
Opposite
I drink bloody rainbows
And all that comes out
Is broken dreams
undone marsh
O, traveler in this world
The grave is your destination,
For you it’s making preparation
Two days—the length of your stay.
O, traveler in this world
Ever since this world’s creation
There have been millions here
Not one of them could hold on
All of them—present
In the mud
Let’s try and remember
Your fate
O, traveler in this world
O, traveler in this world
The grave is your destination,
For you it’s making preparation
Two days—the length of your stay.
O, traveler, in this world
All those palaces of luxury
Over there are no comfort
All of those sleepers in silken sheets
Are now sleeping in mud,
Six feet under
O, traveler in this world
The grave is your destination,
For you it’s making preparation
Two days—the length of your stay.
O, traveler, in this world
With your own eyes
How many funerals have you seen
With your own hands
How many dead have you buried
Your own fate
Why do you ignore so
O, traveler in this world
The grave is your destination,
For you it’s making preparation
Two days—the length of your stay
O, traveler, in this world
undone marsh
Once upon a time
There was a moon queen and a sun king
And they loved each other so
But the moon queen couldn't stand the sun king's heat.
So they decided to break up.
Because they were magic together,
But it would be at the expense of humankind.
The night and the day are on opposite sides,
Forever
And rain happens when the sun king or the moon queen
Can't stand it anymore,
and cry.
undone marsh
I could not have turned out better
I could have turned out worse.
I could have had flags for eyes,
And a sore for a nose
I could have kept running
And never gotten close.
I could have had
Poison leaves in place of the flowers that I do.
A mausoleum is alive
Because of the roses inside
And plants are alive too, but toxic.
Flowers are dead, and shed many tears
Hold my hand,
Why doncha.
I’ll spike ya in the palm
So your blood with rush
To meet with me.
Am I sorry?
No, and never will be.
I will never apologize
For my birth.
They aren’t coming,
My tribe.
I used to feel I was soulless and deformed.
And that I belonged elsewhere.
Now I see—
We don’t belong here,
None of us do.
And people who ask why,
Or throw tantrums,
Will never get to hold my bloody palm.
So I explain, to people
Who already understand
And the people who don’t already get it,
Never will.
undone marsh
I used to be self sufficient Because I had my own interior audience.
Then I fell in love
and the presence that came into my life
almost replaced - merged - with my inner brain presence.
When the love went away, they took my interior audience with them
(as they had merged)
and as a result I feel alone
and can't go back to the way
things were before
Except slowly
Building my inner voice again almost from scratch
You know, when you read a book and it feels like you have the author's voice pouring inside of you
That's the inner audience I'm talking about
Some dead guy or girl
Reaching out to you across the eons
#GoodFriendsAreHardToComeBy
#AndWhenYouLoseThemYouLoseAPartOfYourself
undone marsh
A self-aware sinner am I
Somebody else's dinner am I
There are people bad to know
And easy to leave
It is the good guys, I say
Help me please,
Stay away.
undone marsh
Did you know that you make
A science experiment of me
My heart, after you calculate
The schwarschild radius
You crush into a black hole,
And I pull you into my misery
If i have to go to the edges of time and space,
So do you.
undone marsh
I used to think my jokes were good stuff
But my puddin never laughed, never got tears in his eyes.
He would wear me and tear me down while I smiled
(I looked smokin hot)
I used to think I would only belong in a Harlequin costume
He showed me different,
Not Mistah J, but the other guy.
Dash! Bam! Bam!
He flew in through the building window, looking
For all intents like a bad man trapped in a good man's suit
"Harley," he said, as my puddin pointed the gun at me,
"Some things never change."
My puddin laughed, as he'd never laughed at my jokes.
And the Bat wasn't even trying to be funny.
"Point that thing away," I cried.
My puddin could be so funny sometimes.
"Isn't Batman the one you wanna shoot ?" I wailed
"No," said the Joker.
"You're replaceable, he's not."
"That's not yet true," said the Bat.
"Harley you just gotta push through."
And I did, I jumped into his arms.
"What are you doing?" Joker asked. "Harley!"
"My name's Harleen," I answered.
"My puddin's here to save me,
"And it's not been you,
"It's never been you."
undone marsh
Wisdom resides in quietude. I knew this because she said "hey let's not speak".
She smiled and I knew she was broken inside, I said "hey, wanna talk?" She said "no, I wanna listen to you" and I said "fair enough" and found her the most fascinating woman I ever knew because she didn't utter one word about herself the rest of the evening.
I told her, in the end, "you must hurt so much because you're so helpful" and she smiled the same smile she had been smiling at me all night, and said, "you're right, but who cares? I certainly don't." And that's when I knew I was in love.
undone marsh
I want to go ahead and let myself evolve into a person that will never get dumped because I will never need romantic love from others. People mostly go into depression after they're dumped, imo, when they care too much for one particular person. After drinking from the bitter goblet of self-awareness, I realize that the opposite of romantic love is not apathy or hate, it is self-love. The ecstasy that my soul feels when I've bonded with another soul, and the gut-wrenching pain of poisonous refusal that slowly sucks out my will to live, can all be side-stepped. I can embrace a higher way of living, one that involves mysticism and deep love of something that will not fade, my own inner shine. If I ever break up with myself, I don't need to beg myself to come back, or write desperate and pleading love letters, or make suicide plans and threats. I just know that I will come back, because where else would I go?
Breakups Are Only Bad When You Lose Control.
undone marsh
They say let go
I have let go
It hasn't let go of me.
Shame shame, poppy shame
My head's not in the right place
It descended considerably lower than it was supposed to
Now I know
Nothing is of value
Except not getting bored.
Life is a menu
Certain dishes are excellent.
Others...not so much.
But all are available,
For the right price.
undone marsh
TW: abuse, sh.
My mother has been a source of light and guidance to me, but how she manages to combine that with a cutthroat chilliness I have no idea. She has a magnetic power to attract people, and keep them engaged in her opinions and attitudes while making sure they never take her "love" for granted by intermittently reducing their self-worth so they never grow to leave her. All this I am observing just now, and I'm astounded that I never saw it before, and a part of me asks "are you sure you're not making all this up? She can't be that bad, she took care of you when you had asthma and colic and rehab" - and that's true, maybe I am imagining stuff. But the first time I ||self-harmed|| was "because" of her - I was trying to get her to shut up and stop abusing me verbally. She saw the cut and was aghast, but, get this: SHE DIDN'T STOP, and that's when I learned emotional blackmail doesn't work on some people. I kept trying to emotionally blackmail other people in my life, and it NEVER WORKED. I keep looking at my ||sh scar|| and thinking 'you poor loser, you poor pathetic loser, when will you learn? People aren't controlled this way.' I'm glad she taught me that lesson. To escape abuse, you don't try to make sh threats - you stand up and say: "No more. No more fucking bullshit. I'm not gonna stand for it, and I'm certainly not gonna ||cut myself|| to get you to stop. You're gonna stop, because I'm not standing for it anymore, I'm just not." And that works - for a while. Although my ||sh scar|| still itches everytime I talk to my mom like that, as if it's saying "You poor loser. You poor pathetic loser. When will you learn - this won't work".
undone marsh
My mother believes in old-fashioned parenthood, which means she's both my biggest advocate and my biggest bully. Today she ate up my patience with her stinging verbal abuse so I gave her a piece of my mind, and then she tried to justify it by using the old "I took care of you so much" card, along with the "look at how I'm treated by you" card. I baldly told her she's playing the victim, and no matter how well she took care of me as a baby, she does not have the right to talk to me however she likes (I've gotten especially protective of my mental health over the last few years). I told her "respect needs to be earned and can be taken away" and she twisted it into me saying that "you don't deserve respect" which is not what I said lol. Anyway, I think she should hire out her big brain to politicians because she can twist any situation and any words you say against you, and she does it so fast like a supercomputer, I'm almost in awe of it. I've known she's a master manipulator because she's been doing this for years to my dad as well, but I doubt she knows she's like this. I doubt she's self-aware. She gets very tearful and super aggressive if I try to show her herself in the mirror. God help me, she's gonna be the death of me 😭☠️
undone marsh
Being good or bad has no relevance to how much willpower you have. There are good people who don't have the courage of their convictions or the "balls" to do anything except sit in front of the TV and moan about the state of the world, and there are horrible people who push through all kinds of shit and rise to the top like polluted froth, and become shot-callers. Some people are just merciless, with themselves and others, and they get called "role models" - everyone thinks if you accomplish so much you're a fucking god. What about that sensitive novelist who sits in that roadside café every morning working on his novel about a labor union strike and the injustice of capitalism, which would have been the next Big Thing, except the idiot doesn't see the value of his work and burns it in his living room furnace? Sensitivity is equated to weakness, unless the guy or gal "overcomes" it and "uses" it to make themselves "stronger".
There's nothing wrong with being sensitive, except you cry at all the wrong times and a piece of wrapping paper can remind you of a childhood memory and cause a nervous breakdown. Many people who "push through", get this - don't have that much to push through as the other guy. They "overcome" hardship because they weren't feeling as bad in the first place, because they still had something left. They didn't have it as bad as the sniffling "weakling" who just won't get up, who's fighting to stay afloat in a different kind of gutter altogether. Sometimes there's only so much ||shit up your nose|| you can take, and go on pretending the world smells of jasmine and sunny kites.
undone marsh
I'm walking with my head lowered in shame for my past
I'm walking with my head lowered for all the people I harassed
Yes it's easy to say "everyone deserves a second chance"
But in fact to live with guilt is the shitty thing I deserve
undone marsh
You're taking away my hijab, that's not fine, I will stand up for it
My parents from my first menarche forced me to wear it
Even though it's not my choice, taking it away sucks
It's what always made me not care or give a fuck
About my acne or my ugliness, no one could see it
I wasn't stitching together a facade all the time so boys would like me
You're taking away my education
You're taking away my dreams
You're taking away my friends and the college experience
You're trapping me at home and I can't breathe
You claim it's to protect me, well it doesn't fucking feel that way
It feels like you're taking whatever freedom I had left
Away from me.
undone marsh
They say, "Oh, poor girl, you're so beautiful you know
It's a shame that you cover up your beauty so.
Now we're making it a law, if you want your education
You gotta show us if you are willing to try accomodation."
She just smiles and graciously responds reassuringly,
"This beauty that I have is just one simple part of me.
This body that I have, no stranger has the right to see.
These long clothes, this shawl I wear, ensure my modesty.
Faith is more essential than any human law, wouldn't you agree?"
This hijab,
This mark of self-charity,
Is an act of conviction, a symbol,
For all the world to see.
A simple cloth, to protect my dignity.
So lift the veil from your heart to see the heart of purity.
They tell her, "Girl, don't you know we take this away so you are free?
You don't need to be oppressed, ashamed of your femininity."
She just shakes her head and she speaks so assuredly,
"See the bill-boards and the magazines that line the check-out isles,
with their phony painted faces and their air-brushed smiles?
Well their sheer clothes and low cut gowns are really not for me.
You call it nationalism, I call it anarchy."
This hijab,
This mark of self-charity,
Is an act of conviction, a symbol,
For all the world to see.
A simple cloth, to protect my dignity.
You're trying to see my body
As your property.
My freedom of religion
You crush and you think I'll flee
But I'll only lift the veil from your heart,
So you can see my heart with clarity.
undone marsh
Fuck the world for confusing nice with good
How many innocences are walking around
With hearts full of lead
And souls full of the shards of swords
Of the battles they have fought and lost
Or gone on to better ends
They climb to the very top
Their scars have long died down.
A hard won battle
Acid eating away
Not at their self-confidence
But at their vulnerability.
Need I tell you more?
You know people like this.
They started off as melted better and summer sunshine
The world made of them what it usually does
And they emerged no more affected
Than a stone erie
A long lone mountain.
A haunted wild wolf howling in the desert
They can survive on the light of the moon,
Instead of human food.
Fuck the world for confusing nice with good.
undone marsh
When we sleep, we lose the boundaries we erect when we are awake.
The boundaries surrounding morality, and reality...
Even though reality tells us there aren't any boundaries.
That it is simply the way it is.
But when we sleep
We know different.
undone marsh
God does not
Change
The condition of a people
Until they change
What is in themselves.
undone marsh
I’m a loser, baby
I’m a loser and I lost my way
You meant so much to me
Now it’s my cross to bear
I feel only my own pain
I’m at that stage that I
Can only see
The hole in my own heart
The blackness is all-consuming
It leaves nothing to despair of.
It makes me ugly and my heart hard to bear
I have all these wishes,
Black curses my soul carrying,
In a different universe,
I would hope this love enters your heart
I would hope it tears you apart
I would hope you see the tears that I have shed
Reflected in your own eyes.
I would hope you know loss so thoroughly
That you curse the day you were born.
I would hope you see the world through my eyes
I would hope you then remember me
And think
So that’s what she had felt,
Huh.
But in this universe, you are still my lucky charm.
In this universe, I can still feel your balm
On my cuts and sores.
I would have run to the ends of the earth with you,
And nothing - nothing - can now
Make me wish you
Any harm.
undone marsh
Sometimes you throw your defiance in life's face
You ruin every chance you get
You curse your luck, and blame the gods
You go to every shrine of Self and burn it down.
You handle your aggression by talking of war.
You take your pain and forge it into weapons
You let your soul know it is headed for fire and brimstone
Your tears you swear are poison meant for your enemies to taste.
Everything good goes away, you whisper.
And you know in your heart that you are a monster.
And you make damn sure -
They all know it too.
And then,
A gift you never earned
Comes along
And your hopes dashed against the wall
Revive
And you thank the gods with all your heart
While not believing your eyes and ears and heart...
Really? Me?
You hear yourself ask.
Bu-bu-but
I'm a monster
Haven't you heard?
Don't you know?
I don't deserve this.
And suddenly your words are not poison anymore
And your heart is not a shipwreck.
Sometimes we are given things we don't deserve
And life, in all its unfairness,
Plucks out the poison from your heart,
And whispers here is the chance
You don't get because you are deserving
Karma is sometimes a bitch, sometimes a mother
Your chance, there is no earthly reason it should be yours
Or heavenly reason, by the way
And yet -
Here it is.
undone marsh
The night has descended upon me,
The cold has fled the air and infected my bones.
The stars are sharp needles
Entering my eyes and piercing my brain.
Is there a recompense for this kind of joyless reminder
Of life's awful plan?
If there were, I pray it come soon,
Or show itself already here.
The distress of all others
Is a mere flitting shadow
Compared to mine for me.
Now I need my badly earned rest
And a blanket of roses and love to keep me warm.
Now I need a fearful dragon to stand above me and
Guard me to make sure my demons disturb me not.
Oh how quickly I would fall in love
With someone who vowed to always protect me.
Oh how quickly I would give my heart away.
Oh how swiftly I would be swindled.
undone marsh
The Jarring Mubi
undone marsh
When things go to shit
And the world turns its back on you
You turn your back on the world
And forge your own path.
Maybe they'll forgive you, one day
Maybe they won't.
Don't stick around to find out.
Who cares?
As long as you aren't hurting anyone,
Why allow yourself to be hurt?
You don't owe it to them.
undone marsh
I need you
I'll bet you'll miss me
If I was truly gone from your life.
Not a day goes by
That I can't tell
That today is
Gonna be hell.
Because without you.
Everyday is.
Please
I'm telling you politely
You're creeping me out.
You're getting too much for me
Always crossing my boundaries.
I don't think we should talk anymore.
I don't think we can be friends.
You've done this too many times
We've been through this again and again.
I think I need a break.
Don't.
Walk away from me.
I love you.
Please.
I'm sorry.
I can't deal with you.