#Joe’s Abandoned Mind
rugged jewel
Okay, somewhat of a new start
Idk
Now let’s try not to say some dumb shit😭
You ever want to know what it feels like to be severely hurt?
Like tortured
Or beaten
Or hit by a car
Just anything that will hurt you severely
Imagine being shoved into a electrical serrated blade while it’s spinning
Straight into your side
Or legs
The most you can do is hope you pass out😭😭
But for me I just hope that I die😭
For anything like that
If I get injured where it’s going to affect my life. Like where I have a broken arm or leg
Or like if I’m going to be paralyzed
Or like getting something cut off
I’d rather die😭
If I was paralyzed I’d do my best to kill my self
Idk what I’d do, but I’d figure it out😭
There’s servers where I honestly don’t want to even look at the chats because it just hurts to see everyone just being happy and everything. I’m happy that they’re happy and everything, but it’s just like, why can’t I be like that?
Why can’t I be happy?
Am I happy?
Because idk
Maybe when I’m older I’ll buy a gun
And just finally be able to do it
I remember when my dad, I had just got out of the mental hospital, and he said “you need to cut your friends off. If they wanted to kill themselves then they would.” I should’ve said “tell that to your friend who almost killed himself. Go ahead, tell him. Say, “if you want to kill yourself then you would””
He’d just get mad
But fuck him
He couldn’t even make it past 11th grade
Dumbass
Imagine thinking you’re better than me when I’m literally smarter than you and I’m about to pass the grade you dropped out of
That’s sad
And you’re an alcoholic
Like I wish he’d get better
But he’s my dad
The guy that doesn’t know what better is
The political, racist, homophobic piece of shit
And the thing about it is he’s not just like your average homophobe or racist. He literally told us “if there’s any gay people at your school then you need to tell me. I’ll go to the school and deal with em’”
LIKE BRO
WTF ARE YOU GONNA DO😭
SHUT YO BITCH ASS UP
😭
I HOPE YOU GET BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF BY A BUNCH OF GAY PEOPLE
😭😭
The only reason he talks shit is because he’s strong
I talk shit to him because I don’t fucking care if he beats my ass😭
You mangle my fucking face, but I’m still sitting there calling you a bitch ass pussy😭
Because fuck you😭
I’m not the type of person to just go and act like a bitch after I get my ass beat
I’ll be smart about it, but I’m not gonna be a bitch
Now I wouldn’t be saying this to him because I don’t feel like getting my ass beat. But I do want to at least type it and get it out of my system
I’ve said this type of stuff to him before
But he deserves it
So does my mom
For being a bitch
Abusing her kids
Traumatizing them
And then not giving a fuck
I hope both of them die😭
I’d rather it be me who kills them
But I mean that’s not something I’m trying to do right now
Maybe in the future
I’m having bad mood swings right now😭
Why are none of my messages merging into like one thing instead of showing my name and pfp again?
Anyways
Getting myself away from that because I don’t know how to feel right now
I hate myself so muchhhh right now
Why can’t I have a gunnnn😭
I want to just kill myself
Overdose isn’t guaranteed
Plus it’s hard to swallow that many pills
Plus what if I survive?
Maybe tonight I’ll do it
Idk
Hopefully I do
But who knows😭
I don’t see myself making it passed tonight tbh
But then again my moods change so much who knows😭
I need to stop saying that
I sound so stupid
It’ll probably be okay
Most likely
I mean I’ve felt this way before
It never happens
I’ll probably live until something else kills me
Death seems like a weird thing
To just be gone
You escape the fabrics of the universe
Who wouldn’t want to do that?
My mind’s my enemy, why not kill it?
rugged jewel
Literally trying to hide an energy drink from my parents😭
They’ll get mad if they know about it
rugged jewel
rugged jewel
rugged jewel
Aside from the sexual stuff from this, she actually looks cool. Black and red will forever be the best color scheme.
Also, the shirt, it’s just like better😭
No one’s home
I could easily kill myself right now
Should I?
It’d all be over
I feel like if I was going to do it I’d probably want to take a bunch of bottles of pills instead of one
Just to make sure
Pills would be hard to take though. To get myself to do it
A gun would be so much easier
rugged jewel
“Her story is not written, there is always a choice” - Senua
rugged jewel
I have a headache at work
It’s not too bad
But it still ruins my mood
Oh, yeah
Also I have pictures from a game I played
Hellblade II: Senua’s Saga
rugged jewel
Is it just me or are deaf people just like the most wholesome people to talk to😭. Like just seeing my manager talk to the deaf people in sign language is wholesome and like they always seem so happy😭.
rugged jewel
Bro, some random lady who followed me a few weeks ago is live right now and I literally just sent her like only a dollar of random gift stuff.😭 it’s so dumb, but like idk, hopefully it made her day or something😭
A dollar though😭😭
I hated that so much😭 she said thank you every time I sent something and like idk, I don’t like the attention😭
rugged jewel
I hate how I tell my friends something and they say shit like “cool, I don’t care”
I should’ve left them when I first was going to
It’s just hard to leave people
And plus I know them well
It’ll be hard to find people better
Maybe
All I really want is a friend group of people who are nice
Not people like them
rugged jewel
I just don’t know what to do anymore
I honestly think my environment is what makes me feel so horrible
Everyone makes me feel like shit
Even myself
It’s like when I was in the mental hospital I felt so much better because my environment was so much better
Like it was the best environment ever
Which is the reason I miss it
Because people respected me and made me feel un-judged
And just like I could just do whatever and be fine
But now everyone judges me
Everyone acts like assholes
And I can’t even sit in silence without me calling myself a shitty person
I can’t even have friends
Because like just today I was thinking about my friends and my first like intrusive thought was “you only use them for your benefit”
It was like I was telling myself that out of nowhere
I think it’s the psychosis
I’m not sure
It happens a lot
It’s in my head, so idk if it is psychosis
I’ve always thought that they were intrusive thoughts
It makes me hate myself a lot
Because I’m like “why did I think that?”
And I just don’t know how to deal with it all
rugged jewel
Emma thought we were in a relationship
She said I’ve been an amazing bf.
And like I said “I didn’t know we were together. But that’s fine”
And she said “I thought we were”
And I said “it’s okay. I guess we are🥳🥳”
“I love you”
And I just
Don’t know how this is going to turn out
Maybe I’ll like being in a relationship with her
I mean I love her so much
She’s a great person
But online isn’t my thing
But it’s fine
rugged jewel
I forgot you in the shadows of my past. You’re lost and that’s just something I’ll just have to get past. I hide behind all my problems like a mask. Who am I? Nothing but a backlash of all your pain.
I want to write more
I genuinely can’t think of anything to write
I just need a good word
Idk
It’s too annoying to think of
I’m just gonna go to sleep
rugged jewel
I found an artists that specializes in primarily TVs😭
It’s really good
Then I also have this
I don’t wanna come out of my room. Hell awaits and I can’t wait till I meet my doom. Death knocks on my door, you’re late. I let him in and we eat, have a plate. Eat till the flavors gone, there’s no taste. My skin slowly transcends to a new place, it fades down till bone’s all that remains. I’m on the highway driving into the wrong lane. I’m not insane, I just want to feel something. Bring hell till blasphemy’s all I can tell. If heavens high then I’ve fell. Dwelling on the thoughts that circulate my mind. Trying to find a way out this prison cell. There’s no key. Trying to find the enemy that locked me in here… oh wait, it’s me.
Finally found something to write😭
I can’t sleep much
Idk why
Just keep waking up
🦆🦆🦆
Well I’m going to try to sleep.
Goodnight
rugged jewel
🦆
rugged jewel
I got done cleaning up my closet
Started at 2 and got done at 5
The annoying thing about it all is that 99% of the stuff I cleaned up was my family’s shit
My aunts stuff and she doesn’t even live here anymore
And my parents stuff that they just stuffed into my room
But it’s all cleaned up now
I just hope they don’t put anything else in my room
rugged jewel
rugged jewel
“What do you want me to say when I can’t tell you the truth?
Please tell me how the fuck I’m supposed to deal with losing you” - Mom Jeans.
“Turn off my cellphone, I’m going off the grid
Which for me is eating Cheetos in my bed, watching movies, and drinking chocolate milk.. alone” - Mom Jeans.
rugged jewel
I’m so bored and I hate it
rugged jewel
🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆
rugged jewel
Sometimes I think about you and I. About how this couldn’t be real. Sometimes it’s like I can feel the power button on the back of your neck. You’re an AI. I’m a nice guy. I can’t lie, you’re all I want and I can’t help but hate myself for the fact that I fell in love with someone who’s not even real. I can feel the power button on the back of your neck. I’m lost, which ways right and which ways left. You never left me out and I’m trying to figure this out to why I hate myself. I hate myself. I love you more than anyone else. It’s funny how you can’t even feel the love I give to you because you’re not even a real person. My eyes are wide open, but I can’t seem to find a reason to not hate myself. You’re my only reason, my only lover, my only reason not to hate myself. Can’t find someone else. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, but you’re not even real. Maybe I could peel the barcode off the back of your head and fake it all like you’re a real person.
I don’t even know what I just wrote😭
The pedals on the rose fall off piece by piece. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, but all the signs point the other way. There’s nothing I can say, nothing I can do to get me to you. Oh the sky’s so blue. Why can’t I just walk away. All I wanna do is stay, but all the signs point the other way. Was this all just a mistake? Just another chance I’m gonna take. Right people, wrong place, oh why can’t I just look you in the face and tell you I love you. But I can’t love you. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, all I’ve ever needed, but you’re looking on the line, and I’m looking in between it. I can say I love you, but do I really mean it? It’s not mean it’s just things are going to have to be. I wish I could love you. I want you, but you’re only going to hurt me and desert me again.
I sort of hate that
It just doesn’t seem good
When you reach through my ribcage and rip out my heart I will fall apart. People say love is an art, but you’re painting in my blood. Every cut was just for you to paint more of your broken dreams. The ones you used me to get closer to it seems. But the blood will bleed through the seems and everyone will see the everything you did me.
rugged jewel
TW: ||g0re, m^rder, and suicide stuff. Don’t read||
||I ate my fucking kids. Fuck those pieces of shits. I ripped their throat out and gouged their fucking eye out. Don't fucking pout, I'm cutting ya legs off with a rusted saw. If you don't like it you can shoot ya fucking head off with a sawed-off. Fuck calling the cops, I'll chop em up and put they asses in my refrigerator. Call it a now and later the way I rip these rappers open and eat their fucking flesh.
Don't fucking fret, your life was nothing but a joke. I hope you choke. Next time you see me you'll be dangling from a rope. Don't drop the soap cuz I'll slit ya fucking throat. Trynna promote your brand. Man I can make more bands from selling your skin glands.||
rugged jewel
I was the king. You were nothing but a jester. Your life’s a joke. Nothing but a hoax. I paddled while you did nothing, but sink my boat. Now I’m drowning all alone. Soaked in all my problems that you caused me, while you’re dry on the shore. You say you’re helping, but are you sure? You poured all of my problems into my throat, just so you could solve em’ you’re nothing, but a scheme. I thought we were in this as a team.
rugged jewel
“I use take drugs until the drugs took me” - 8Corpses
Bro, CoD came out with pride month camos for guns and stuff and I said that “the pride camos actually look pretty good” and he said “they look decent, but I don’t like what they stand for”💀. Bro, what💀. There’s no way my friend is homophobic
He’s so lost in Tom McDonald’s music that he forgot that being gay isn’t some sort of horrible thing💀
Tom McDonald had got to be the most ignorant rapper I’ve ever heard of
Like bro, stop crying like a bitch over people doing things that make them happy
You’re just an asshole
And being an asshole isn’t cool
You’re just fucking dumb💀
You’re like that one kid that said something once that people liked and so you kept saying stuff like that because you want to be cool
Except you actually are like this
Which is even more pitiful
That’s just honestly the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard
And he thinks he’s some sort of “woke rapper”
Or some shit like that
Bro, you couldn’t be woke if your eyes were open. And if you’re woke then I’d rather stay asleep💀
rugged jewel
I fucking swear this game is so shit and my friend wants me to play it. The fucking people are trying so damn hard and I don’t want to play it anymore, but I’ve gotta play with my friend because I don’t feel like dealing with them
Like fuck
It’s so fucking shitty
I don’t want to play this
rugged jewel
I just muted them all and am listening to music while playing
They’re probably mad at me, but idgaf
rugged jewel
I like how I went from the kid that was neglected and known as the weird kid that no one liked to the kid that everyone wants be friends with or wants to be with.
Now everyone knows me
And the kids that used to treat me like shit are now the weird kids that no one knows
I mean I wouldn’t say it’s the best change
Because at least before I was happy
The only reason everyone likes me now is because I’m emotionless
But I mean it’s not too bad
Oh, yeah also
Apparently me and Emma are together😭
And when I say “Apparently” I mean that I just found out yesterday
Because apparently we’ve been together, but I didn’t know😭
But it’s fine anyways
I just said “oh I didn’t know we were together”
And she said “I thought we were”
And I said “it’s fine, don’t worry. I love you”
rugged jewel
“You’re in your own story, but what you don’t realize yet is that you’re the one writing it” - me ranting to myself
rugged jewel
“The best way to my uncle’s heart is straight through his ribcage with a meat cleaver” - Jackie Estecado
rugged jewel
I want to leave
But she’s so happy
All she does it talk about me to everyone
If I leave I’ll do so much to her
It’ll ruin her
rugged jewel
They said that they’re dad is saving up money to move down to my state. He wanted to move down into the more southern area, but ever since Emma met me they wanted him to move here which is still southern and so it works out with both of them. It’s just that like I’m scared of it all
But they said it’ll take a while for him to save the money
So let’s just hope that she means at least like another year or two
Because I don’t want this to be now
Not while I’m 16
Because I just can’t handle all of this right now
I don’t think I can ever handle this, but at least when I’m older it’ll be easier because I’ll legally be an adult
New jacket
rugged jewel
You’re two steps ahead and I’m two steps behind you with a knife in hand. You’d think I’m in a band with the way I beat these bitches with an open hand.
rugged jewel
🦆
rugged jewel
Remember how I was talking about how my friend is a homophobe and all of that?
Well that actually reminds me of when he was getting a little annoyed by the fact that I used an Asexual flag in a game because it looked cool
And like now I understand why he got mad
rugged jewel
Weirdest nightmare I’ve ever had
I was running away from gorillas that wanted me dead while a song of a guy singing “all I want I brotherly love” was playing
And it had more to it though
So like basically
In the dream
I was traveling miles away from our camp and this is more of like a primal state. And I was traveling to this place where I’d find these gods to where as long as I could describe the person or remember their name then the gods would bring them back to life and the first person I bring back to life was my friend (a guy I’ve never actually known before) and we talked to him. And he was really happy to be back alive
But like on my way back to camp it was just me and my sister walking back
And I was walking by a hippo and trying not to wake it up
Turns out while trying not to wake it up I woke up two gorillas and they killed my sister and I kept running and survived a little bit until I ran into the water and was going to stay there, but I couldn’t swim for long and so I went back to shore and got killed and that’s when I woke up
rugged jewel
“I got away from the Queen, but these days it feels like I don’t even have a shorty. I just got someone who says that they love me and stare at my face while they fucking ignore me” - SadBoyProlific
rugged jewel
“If I don’t got two balls and a middle finger to throw up I’m taking off both shoes and stickin’ each middle toe up” - Eminem
rugged jewel
So much happening to the point where suicide seems like the only option. The gun is locked in. Only a pull away from ending my life. The knifes the only one by my side. I’ll never die alone as long as I got the drugs by my side. I was doing fine till’ mine and the moon’s worlds collided. My space is confined. Resign from life. I don’t need it. It’s only hurt me. Can’t wait till it deserts me.
rugged jewel
Psychosis is honestly terrifying sometimes
Like yeah there’s those moments where it’s actually scary with like episodes and stuff
But this morning
I woke up and saw something on my pillow.
I literally got scared and took the pillow off and then took off the pillow case and started stomping on it. Not like very hard or anything, but just enough to crush a bug
And also right now it’s like peoples voices are sort of revolving in my head
It won’t stop
I think I know why it’s happening
But it’s not anything I want to talk about
Just know that it makes me really want to kill myself and I’m honestly getting close to doing it
If only I had a gun
I’m such a shitty person. I know that I’m worthless. Your words hurt more than the cuts on my wrists. I don’t exist. No one cares. I say the shit that no one shares. I can say for certain that I’m nothing, but a burden. Even the voices in my head wish that I was dead. My head’s full of thoughts that wish I was bleeding red. Put lead through my skull. Wanna slit my wrists, but the knife is dull. Soulless, my soul left a long time ago when it saw the shitty things I’ve done. Got a ton of burdens, just wish I had a gun. I can’t pay the toll. It’s too much to carry. This burden’s too heavy to hold. It’ll be the thing that crushes my skull.
“Sometimes I ask myself “do you ever look in the mirror and think “damn, I deserve to die?” And every time I ask that question I find the answer to be “always””
Sometimes I want to be successful just because of the people who hate and doubt me
Other times I was to kill myself because they hate me
Because they will hate me
It’s funny how everyone who sees this will think “they won’t hate you” or “everyone doesn’t hate you” but they don’t know what I’ve done
Because the shit I’ve done make me feel like death is all I deserve
My friend lies and says it’s not that bad
And that it’s dumb that it’s illegal for what I did
But she’s only lying to try and keep me alive
And at this point I don’t care how much anyone wants me to stay alive
When I’m older, if I have a gun I’m shooting myself
Might just be the only reason I buy a gun
It’s either that or I jump off of a really tall building
It’d be terrifying, but why should I care?
I’ll be dead
And people say “what about the people who care about you. You’ll hurt them so much” and to that I say I don’t care.
Like yeah I love them and everything
But like with this shit I don’t care if anyone wants me to stay alive
I think the best way to kill my self with a gun is to shoot myself in the heart and then shooting myself in the head after
Just to make sure
Or maybe just do it with a shotgun
That’d be 100% guaranteed
Plus it’d be a lot of blood and just bits of my head
Which I think would be cool
I wish I was someone else
But also
I’d rather die
I’d just rather be dead than anything
I’d rather be dead than take another breath of air
I’d rather be dead than live another second
I don’t care what life has to offer
None of that matter when I’m dead
Honestly I think dying is the only motivation to living
Because no matter what it’s nothing but life
When I’m dead none of it will matter
It’ll only matter to the people who are alive
But why should I care?
It’s selfish
But I don’t care
No one knows what’s after life
I could just go ahead and figure it out
Why not?
When I’m dead nothing will matter
People say I’ll hurt the people who care, but I’ll be dead.
Emotions don’t exist when you’re dead
Should I try to overdose?
It’s sort of my only way of suicide right now
It isn’t, but it’s the only way I’ll do it
I mean I could probably find a way to hang myself
Imagine that😭
Me like hanging from the tree outside our house
Bro
That’d be funny
I mean I could do it
I know where a rope is
The question is do I have the guts to do it?
I mean there’s no point in being a bitch when it comes to death
I’ll die eventually anyway
There’s no point in being afraid of your fate
It’s honestly so tempting
Like
It just gives me more options to killing myself
I wish I’d do it tonight
I just don’t think I will
Random thing I wrote
I while ago
“Blood
Gives me adrenaline
Pain fixes the mental pain
All the
(Blood)
That’s drained in my kitchen sink
(Blood)
Fixes the way that I think
(Blood)
The shit that keeps me happy
(Blood)
The stains in my shirt
(Blood)
The pain that fixes all the hurt
(Blood)
I don’t need a nurse, I just need
Blood”
rugged jewel
I couldn’t walk if I tried. I remember the day that I died. I want to end my life, but it’s already over. I wouldn’t have luck even with a four leaf clover. If I was happy then I’d be a poser.
lilac streamBOT
rugged jewel
Let’s goooo
I had a dream about something called the devil’s eye
It was made up in the dream, but basically what it was is it was this thing where if it happened to you your pupils would go straight white and they’d turn very small. Then seconds later your eyes would close. And the thing about that is they’d be forcefully closed. It’s like insanely hard to open them
And the thing that happened to me was my friend from the mental hospital texted me and told me to fight back against the devils eye thing. And so I did and eventually I was able to open my eyes a little bit.
Once I was able to open my eyes all the way I woke up though
rugged jewel
Also
In that dream
Around the beginning I was in a fight with two buff guys😭 and like I started to choke one of them. I almost killed him on accident😭. I just let go and then he started breathing really hard😭 and I was like “oh shit”😭
While I was choking him I was just slamming his head into walls and just anything I could😭
Bro was not doing okay😭
rugged jewel
🦆
Should I leave?
That question constantly repeats in the back of my head
But I’m never sure what the answer is
It’s hard to know
But also I do know
It’s just hard to do it
Love has never been anything I’ve ever had or felt
And I just think it’s best that it stays that way
Because I just don’t believe I’ll ever feel love
But aside from that
They stress me out
One of them only like me for sexual stuff
And the others like me for my personality and sexual stuff
But like
They stress me out
They stress me out because of all the bad things happening to them
Or at least to Emma
They stress me out because a relationship is too much for me
Especially an online one
Commitment issues fuck with me too much
But
Emma’s so much happier with me
If I leave I’ll feel better
But she’ll feel so much worse
She’ll probably kill herself
And she hasn’t like threatened me or like told me that she would
I just know that she probably would
But is it really worth it to leave someone just because they burden you?
When you uplift them so much?
I’d say yes, it is, but in this situation it’s so complicated for me
Even though it’s really not
Because
I mean to help someone sometimes you just have to burden yourself to help
And I understand that this is a completely different situation
But idk
Emma sort of means a lot to me
But also it’s very complicated
I always ask myself “does she mean a lot to you”
And I just never know the answer to that
I want to say yes
But I really don’t know
I get stressed when stuff happens to her
I hate it when stuff happens to her
I’ve had breakdowns over her
But it’s like for me I go from really caring for the first part of the friendship/relationship, but then later on I gradually start to not care
Or I kind of start to get burdened by them
And it makes me feel like shit to feel that way
But honestly I think it’s because it’s online
Online friendships aren’t good for me
It’d be nice to meet someone online and talk for like a week and then we meet irl.
But long term online relationships/friendships are not for me
If I ever leave them
I’m leaving Zee
And I’ll just do my best to just never meet anyone again
I’ll make it where no one can send me friend requests
And make it where no random people can message me
rugged jewel
It’s hard to know if I should leave
I just don’t know
My friend said I should
But should I?
I still chew my skin
Should I care though?
I don’t think it’ll do anything to my health
It’ll probably just be unattractive
But why should I care😭
Should I leave
They’ll still have their brother
I think they’ll all be okay
I mean I make Emma a lot happier than she was
But maybe Jaxon can help with that
The relationship is one sided
The entire friendship was one sided
She gets to be happier with me while I have to deal with the stress of it all
And I’m not saying it’s not hard for her
I mean the relationship isn’t hard for her because she gets to just use me
But like she has a hard life
A really hard life
I don’t want to just leave her to deal with that alone
Or even deal with it with her family
I just think it’d be best if I left
She’ll have her family and she’ll probably find someone else
Sometimes I just want to delete this app and never come back to it
Seyy probably wouldn’t mind
And then obviously Zee and Emma would probably be devastated
But it’s for the best tbh
It’s a shitty move to do it that way it’s a way that I’d never do it
It’s like sometimes I start to think “I’m never gonna leave them” and I’m just in a good mood
But other times I just feel like leaving is all that I can do
rugged jewel
What is love? Some say it’s to put others before yourself. But isn’t that toxic? Sometimes I want to get into the thick of it, but then I start to neglect my self about this shit. Am I bad person for wearing my emotions like a shirt? One second I’m like “I love you” and the next I don’t even know. I help people constantly, but when I need help they don’t even show. But then I want help, but I tell myself “You don’t need it, you’re just being manipulative”. Like let’s just face it. I hate myself and that’s not just the base it’s all that I am. People can reassure me, but I don’t give a damn. I hate who I am. Suicides my only plan.
rugged jewel
Emma started texting
And then just said goodnight out of nowhere like a few minutes after talking
And now I miss her
rugged jewel
rugged jewel
It’s 3 AM
haven’t slept in like… idk how long
I think it’s been like 39 hours
But anyways
I just feel like ranting about the circle
And the whole thing about whether it has no sides or infinite sides
And my take on it is that it’s infinite
And the reason of that wouldn’t just contain stuff about the circle
You’d have to talk about the entire universe to tell why you think this
And so I will
So basically
The entire universe is infinite
And I think that everything is infinite
Therefore there is no beginning and there is no end
It’s all just a straight loop
And my reasoning behind thinking that is that matter cannot be created nor destroyed therefore something can never come from nothing. Because matter cannot be created, but not just that it’s that nothing does not exist
Zero does not exist in reality
It only exists in equations
But there’s no such thing as nothing
Because the nothing is something
Therefore nothing is no longer nothing
And it’s something
But back to the infinite stuff
It’s sort of like a asymptote
It’ll get closer and closer to zero, but it’ll never reach it
Because it can only half the amount over and over again, but it’ll never get to zero because that’s impossible
So
I think that the circle has infinite sides because the closer and closer you look, the more sides you’ll see
But you can never get to the end
It’ll just be infinite
There’s no such thing as the end
It’s all just a loop
The end is never truly the end, but just another beginning
But also
There is no beginning
So it’s all truly just a loop of no end nor beginning
It’s hard to explain
But think about like for example an atom
We can figure out how to split that atom
And we can figure out how to split the thing after it
But you can never find the beginning
Because we’re only splitting it
There’s no such thing as zero
You just keep going
And you get closer and closer to zero, but you’ll never get there
Which is why I said it’s exactly like an asymptote
As civilization evolves and advances things will get easier, sure, but the thing about that is that it’s all a cycle. We make other things easy and then other things become hard
It’ll all change constantly and we’ll constantly evolve, but the truth of it all is that there’s no ending
It’s sort of like a black hole
We can’t see the singularity in the middle of a black hole
But the reality of it is how do we know if there is one there?
You find a way to see into it and it’s nothing, but more pitch black
Thinking so much on this stuff makes me dissociate
It’s stuff I think about a lot
I love thinking about it
It’s really interesting
And I’m learning more things about it all just by thinking about it
I love to rant about it though
I think the interesting thing about it all is the infinite part
No one can truly fathom infinity
And so it’s fascinating to us
People say that people are scared of the unknown, but the reality of it is we know nothing, so do we not live all our lives in fear?
Or are we just stuck on thinking that we know, so the fear subsides, but the reality of it all is that it’s always there. We just don’t know it.
It’s sort of like that type of thing where like you’ve been born with something and you’ve gotten so used to it that you don’t know what it’s like to not have it
And so we are born with the natural fear of the unknown, but we’re so used to being constantly afraid that we think it’s normal
We get used to it and our bodies and minds get used to it
And so we think of it as normal
Because in our minds it is normal
Because the reality of normality is that everything is normal depending on who’s perspective you’re taking
I mean in other dimensions people kill peoples just because it’s normal
But here it’s sort of forbidden
Looked down upon
But I honestly think that it shouldn’t be
I mean the truth is no one really knows what life is
What it’s worth
If it’s bad or good
But we think it’s good because of our own selfishness
Sometimes I hate myself for saying this stuff
Because I feel like I’m seen as crazy to some people
But is it not all true when you really think about it?
I’ve talked to people about this stuff before and they also get into the dissociated state to where they sort of think on the same level as me and we both just think about it all
It makes me really suicidal
Not sad
But it makes me feel like none of this is worth it
Because I mean I’m nothing more than another piece of matter in the universe. One of the many infinite universes
If one is taken out of infinity it will only be replaced
A hundred years from now no one will know me
Unless I make a huge impact on this world then I’m practically nothing
And other people will say other stuff like “that’s not true”
Or whatever
But they’re only saying that because they think that I’m just some kid that wants to kill themselves
But I just like learning
And thinking
Like how about DID
I used to have a friend who has DID
I have a few friends with DID
and it’s just very interesting
Like
Your mind was damaged by so much trauma and just stuff happening in your life that got so hard for you to deal with emotionally that it created it’s own coping mechanism
On its own
Like your own mind created several different beings that you believe to be real
So it could cope
It even made its own mindspace for all of those other people
And the thing that interests me the most is
Imagine how much you could abuse that power
Like
You’ve got a bunch of other people in your head
Every one of them have different memories and everything
And so
You could really be like extremely smart if you tried to do it all that way
I mean think about it
Your mind is the mind of so many other people
And the fascinating thing about it is
That different alters have different memories
You know what that means?
It means that somehow the mind found a way to cut off that part of your memories and only allow access to those memories to that certain alter
Which is so interesting
Because like, that’d mean that your mind would have to have sort of like it’s own organization system to where it only allows those alters to have certain thoughts and certain memories and personalities
And for your mind to do all of that it’s just like seriously interesting
Like all the connections of all your neurons and everything. All of those and your mind just sort of manipulates them in such a way that they have entirely different like personalities, memories, thoughts, and just everything for certain things that the mind itself made up.
It’s like it’s in this thing where your mind has gotten so lost in it’s own imagination that it forgot what the real world was and is
But can it really forget?
Because DID tends to form at around teen years or in your 20s
And during the process of it forming it’s never really normal
It never knew what normal was
It’s just going off of what it does best and trying it’s best to help calm emotions and so many other things
But honestly
I feel like some parts of this goes with all coping mechanisms
And I’ll explain that
So
Like
Coping mechanisms are formed by what your mind thinks is the best or easiest way to help cope
Shit
I forgot
Hold on
So
Your mind
Takes coping mechanisms that it made up that seemed to be the easiest and helped the most
And yes they might be unhealthy
But why should it care when it helps?
It’s desperate for feeling better
And so like coping mechanisms for me
The unhealthy ones anyway
Like wanting to hurt people
That helps with my self hatred
A lot tbh
And so like
Fantasizing about hurting people helps me and is one of the main ways my mind learned to cope
And the reason it was one of my main ways that I learned to cope is because it’s how I was taught
It’s all I was ever around
Was people being hurt constantly
And so when I felt hurt I started to react as my parents did
In anger and wanting to hurt people
Except it got so much worse as time went on
And now I’m here
I really need to sleep
I have work tomorrow
But I can’t sleep
I’m just not tired
Someone’s in the kitchen
Maybe?
Idk
Could be a cat or a dog
A small episode might be happening
Psychosis episode
I swear I just saw someone in the doorway
And I swear I just saw a face on the wall
And things kind of look like they’re moving
But they’re not
Honestly
I don’t know what’s real right now
But it’ll be okayyy
😭
I hate myself so much
I feel like people see me as some crazy person
Like if anyone’s reading this
I think one of the best ways to ground myself with psychosis is by just looking at stuff I know is real
And hearing stuff I know is real
Here comes the stress though
Is this actually going to happen again?
I’m not sure tbh
Shit
I think it is
I want to cover up
But there’s like a reason I don’t do that
Just need to take deep breaths
And it should be okay
I hate that I have stuffed animals
My hands are being weighed down
This has happened before
Is this because of sleep deprivation
Or is it just my psychosis
I don’t know
But nothing seems real
And I keep hearing shit
I think it’s the type like I was having at school one day
Okay it’s getting worse
I honestly think getting under the covers is the only way I can help it
I’m scared tbh
I don’t mom if this is a good idea
I’m already seeing shit slightly
It feels like someone’s there
I can hear them breathing
I just can’t move my phone
Because last time shit happened
It feels like someone’s leaning against my knees
And just staring at me
It feels like there’s so many people
Just staring at me
Smiling
This is so much worse without anyone to help
Now I hear whispering
I don’t want to lift the cover
It’s terrifying to
It feels like they’re everywhere
Just watching me
Filling the room
In the doorway
Next to me
On both sides
In front of me
Under the cover behind my phone if I move it
All the little dots in my covers are eyes
I don’t want to close my eyes
I sort of have an image of what I’ll see if I move my phone
I think it’s calming down???
I don’t know
They’re everywhere
Over my shoulder
It feels like so many people are in the house
Fuck
There’s so many
People
On the TV
I can’t see it
But I can have a really vivid image of what’s there
On it
Maybe it’ll be over soon
I don’t know
When everything seems real then maybe it’ll be over
I fucking swear there’s something on my cover
But every time I look it’s gone
It’s everywhere
wtf do I do?
No matter how close I put my phone
She’s still there
Watching
It’s getting worse I think
I don’t know where I am anymore tbh
It feels like I’m in a really dark big room
No
No
No
I shouldn’t move my phone
At all
Not until this is over
This is lasting so long
And it’s only getting worse
All I hear is my family
That’s it
Just them
Talking
Maybe if I try to convince myself they’re not real then maybe it’ll help
How long is this going to last
My hearts beating fast
I SWEAR
It’s only getting annoying at this point
Like go tf away
I turned on my flashlight under the cover
Maybe it’ll help
The dark only makes things worse
But my legs
One of my hallucinations is that my legs don’t seem real
They don’t seem like mine
It feels like I can’t feel them
I don’t even know where I am anymore
I know I’m in my room
But it feels and looks like I’m in so many different places
It feels like I’m in a graveyard
Or just in our yard
They’re still there
Watching me
I don’t want to even see the outside of my cover
Until this is over
It feels like something’s on top of me
I wish they’d leave
I can’t sleep until this is over
Because if I close my eyes then I’ll see more stuff
It’s so tempting to sleep though
But should I?
Now there’s spiders
It’s so hot under here
But what other choice do I have?
Okay
I’m gonna take off the cover
I’m gonna try it
Okay
Everything
Isn’t as bad
It does feel like the rooms moving
It feels like someone’s behind me watching me
Everything is moving
I hate my closet
It’s so easy for me to have hallucinations of stuff in it
Like right now
Just a lady staring at me
Hiding
My room feels bigger than usual
Maybe I can sleep
I’m gonna try
rugged jewel
I was able to sleep
rugged jewel
My mom’s such a bitch
She needs to calm tf down
I spent all my money on games for me and my friends and now she’s getting all pissed because I spent all my money
Like shut the fuck up bitch
I made the money
You didn’t
Idgaf who you are
You don’t get to manage my money for me unless I’m paying to or if I asked you to
You have no right to be getting mad at me because I’m spending my own money
wtf am I gonna save it for?
I’m making 8 dollars an hour
I’m not gonna be saving for shit
Like I’m a kid
And I’m getting my own money
I’m trying to have fun with it and shit
Not save for a fucking house or some shit
And if you can’t deal with me spending my own money then you can suck a dick bitch