So Emma’s brother was stabbed 3 times and I think he’s gonna die. So now I’ve gotta worry about him dying and also I have to worry about Emma getting killed too.
#Joe’s Abandoned Mind
onyx lantern
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“They said I had the ugliest face in class, now I gotta skin these bitches just to make a mask” - G-Mo Skee
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I’m not okay
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Zombie Makeout Club
Also, I’m not the type of guy to like these images because they have women in them or whatever. I just love their art. It’s good. Idc about their bodies😭.
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I hate my emotions. The feeling of just knowing I’ll never love anyone because I’m practically incapable of it. Which is the reason I really should never get into a relationship and why I think I’m just gonna stay single my entire life because I just don’t think I’m enough for a relationship and I don’t think I ever will be.
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🦆
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“I can’t lie bout the fact that I can satisfy the right to fly. When you cry it’s a fascinating sight. The light fries my eyes. I can’t apply trash to I. Everything I decide will fight till the world divides. I’ll bite the sight out of your eyes. I might be like Christ with the way that I disperse my rhymes, but I’m spitting straight fire. FYI I don’t give a flying fuck about your life, so go and die. Tie the rope.”
onyx lantern
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Okay
So
Emma’s pregnant
This is just so damn stressful
Why tf couldn’t those guys just keep their dick in their pants. Fuck them.
She doesn’t deserve this
🇳⭕🇹
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“I had no idea how long I had been lying in that grave. It felt like eternity. It felt like no time at all.” - Kali Wallace
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“Cause when the sky meets the ocean my eyes will be wide open
They’re never closin’
Cause’ every second with you is like a dream come true
The blue in your eyes made me realize that you are the ocean and I am the sky
So let’s meet every night before the light fades
Don’t be late
I’ll be there
You know I always care
We’re the perfect pair
The perfect dream to push away all the nightmares
I know you love me
But I’ll always love you more
For when you walk out the door tears will pour from my eyes
And that’s when I realized that I am the sky and you are the ocean
So let’s keep our eyes open
And never miss a moment
For with you the light will never fade”
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Never
Idk why, but that word just constantly repeats in my head
It’s been like this for a few weeks now
I just honestly don’t have any hope
I only stay alive for Emma
I just don’t know if I even want to make it through life anymore
I feel like I’ve fallen so far behind in life
Seeing everyone else so far
I had another dream that I went back to the mental hospital
Damn I wish I could just go back
onyx lantern
onyx lantern
Emma got jumped again
I swear these guys need to fuck off
They’re such bitches
Imagine needing like 6 guys to beat up one fucking disabled girl.
How fucking pitiful do you have to be?
And like why tf can’t you just leave her the fuck alone? Your friends deserved to go to prison and you do too.
I hope they go to prison and get fucking killed
Fuck them
I’m glad Emma called the cops though
I just hope there’s no one else there to hurt her after them
I swear I’d kill their asses if I was there. I want to just walk with her everywhere and just try to protect her because this is such bullshit. She doesn’t deserve this.
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I swear my friends are so fucking dumb. Bro is literally being offensive and then acts like it’s not offensive. Saying “that’s gay” and then trying to act like that’s not an offensive thing to say. Like nothing is just gay because you do it. Unless you identify as gay then you’re not gay. Idgaf about what you do or what happens. You’re not gay until you identify as gay. Wearing pink as a man is not gay, doing any sexual activities with the same sex is not gay, and liking another person of the same gender and/or sex is not gay. It’s what you identify as in the terms of sexuality that determines your sexuality, not what you do. I mean a guy could literally be dating another guy, but that doesn’t make them gay. But my friend wants to sit here and use an offensive term saying “that’s gay” to something that stereotypically gay people do. Like bro shut the fuck up and stop trying to defend yourself because you’re too ignorant and stubborn to understand that you’re wrong. And I don’t mean that like he was respectfully defending himself. He was like literally getting all mad and shit because he acts like he could never be wrong and the times where we prove that he’s wrong he gets all mad about it because he’s a self centered narcissistic bitch. He only cares for himself and if you even try to prove him wrong then he’s so stubborn that he’ll just get mad and make up some reason to why it doesn’t matter. It’ll be something like “it’s just a game, why do you care so much?” Event after he was the one caring so much. I genuinely think he’s my least favorite friend ever. Like bro is so damn stubborn and narcissistic. He’s such an asshole and idk he’s so fucking annoying. I want to just kiII him so badly.
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Emma didn’t seem too happy
She just said “gn…”
And idk
She never does that
I just hope I can talk to her in the morning
I don’t like seeing her like this
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I found out what was wrong
Her brother hit her
Like really hard
I’m just so fucking mad and stressed about it
He’s such a bitch
I don’t care how much he has protected her and saved her or whatever, he still should never hit her
Imagine being that much of a bitch
I know he’d beat my ass, but if I was there I would’ve fought him. I don’t care how badly he beats me. I’m still trying till I’m fucking knocked out and even after I’m still waking up and beating his ass.
He deserves it
I fucking swear if he hits her again then if I ever see them then I’m beating his ass immediately. I don’t care how badly he beats me. I’m still going to do it.
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Not doing good at all
But idk what to do
I just feel horrible
Probably the worst I’ve felt in a long time
Why not just put random art stuff here
Idk
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I had a panic attack
If my cousin can’t help me calm down then honestly I think I’m just going to kill myself
The only things that can save me right now is my cousin and being too tired so convince myself it’ll be okay in the morning
The psychosis is getting worse
onyx lantern
I had a breakdown at school
I was trying so hard not to
I just couldn’t stop it
I went to the counselor.
I feel better, but I just hate life so much
rugged jewel
This is the same Joe
Except different account
Because of dumb stuff😭
Maybe I’ll get my account back eventually
Idk
Well anyway
Back to whatever I guess
Maybe someday I’ll get my account back
I found all of my friends so honestly it doesn’t bother me much
I’m able to write in my journal too so yeah I don’t mind
My journal means a lot to me which is honestly sad😭
rugged jewel
To anyone who has me added
If my original account texts you then don’t answer
It will hack your account
I need to find my friends
I have the main ones
But I need to find the rest
rugged jewel
If anyone gets a message saying “I accidentally reported your account” or ANYTHING like that. DO NOT answer them
It is a scam/hack
You will lose your account
If they send a image like this then it is 100% a scam
rugged jewel
Something weird is happening
Uhm
I think I fell in love???
I don’t know
I’ve never felt like this before
rugged jewel
Emma’s the only thing that gives me hope anymore
My friends distract me from the horrors of my own life
But Emma helps
But right now I just don’t know if anything can give me any hope
This will be over eventually, but for now I just feel so hopeless and suicidal
I don’t want to deal with my life
Honestly is a bitch move to kill myself. And killing myself means that Emma will have even worse of a life. But idk. I just don’t want to deal with everything. I really wish I had a gun.
I don’t know what to do other than to make Emma as happy as I can
Because if she’s not happy then I can never be happy
Making her happy makes me happy
rugged jewel
||Emma has been through so much sexual trauma and people think that she wants to be used for sex because she says she likes it and stuff, but the reality of it is that she’s been used for sex her whole life and so she thinks it’s all she’s good for. I’m like the only person that actually appreciates her for her personality and not sexual stuff. I’m the only person who listens to her and just talks to her when she’s not doing okay. Other people just think that she just wants sex.|| I just wish she had a better life. She deserves so much better. I would do anything to let her have a better life. I really wish I could like trade my life for hers. My life is a lot better than hers and I just would rather it be me in her position than her.
rugged jewel
I don’t know what I’m gonna do
I just want to make Emma happy
But so much happens to her
It’s hard to help
I still try my best, but she’s just in such a shitty situation
rugged jewel
“Serial killer in the streets, but a monster in the sheets. Man I am unique with the way I rap this beat. Human meat, the best meal to say the least. I’m fucking till the priest is out of business. I’ve been this fire since Hell rose. Overdose till my throats full of antidotes. Double-headed axe and I’m gonna give em both ends. Full send off a cliff into the deep end. Chop the shins, you talking trash and I’m finna stop this shit like a beaver den. Curb stomp ya head in.”
Idk what to write😭
rugged jewel
The ink in my pen is how long I have left to live. I regret everything I did, but I’ll never be able to get the ink back that I wasted.
rugged jewel
I’m not doing good at all
Idk why but like I just feel like I’m about to have a breakdown
I think it’s because I’m getting depressed about giving up on relationships
But honestly I think it’s for the best that I do give up on them
It hurts a lot sometimes, but it’ll be okay
rugged jewel
Idk why, but I love to trash talk my old friend because she’s a bitch
But anyways
I would constantly be stressed af because of her. She would stress me out so damn much. Life was like a constant panic attack. I couldn’t walk straight sometimes because of how stressed I was. I would tell them about how stressed I was and they’d sit there and try to help me, but the problem was that they were the problem and I can’t be helped by the problem. They were horrible though and the funny thing is that I can tell that it was hard for them to get over me because they immediately went and looked for other guys😭 and none of the guys were as good as me because she literally left them within even like an hour😭. But also I think she was the problem. Those guys were probably perfectly fine. She’s just a horrible person. She’s also sexist which makes her even more horrible. Bro literally found one guy that wanted sex because I mean you know that’s kind of just a thing that some people want in a relationship. Not to use someone for sex, but because it is a way of showing love and intimacy. But she found a guy who wanted sex and she was like “ew. Guys are so disgusting. This guy didn’t want to date me because I didn’t want sex” and for one thing she’s sexist for saying guys are disgusting and another thing she doesn’t even understand what love is. Like if you think all guys are disgusting then go find a woman or just don’t date at all you dumbass😭. You said it yourself that all guys are disgusting, so why would you date them? That just seems like self sabotage if you date someone you don’t like. But I mean you’re the dumbass for being sexist saying that all guys are disgusting. I mean I’ve met a lot of horrible women. And I mean like women that are sociopaths. I’ve met a lot of women who are just absolutely horrible, but I never say “all women are narcissistic pieces of shit” I just say “well she was a bitch.” And that’s over with. She’s gone out of my life and I move on. I’ve literally had women try to manipulate me and get me to kill myself.
I mean shit my old friend that I was talking about tried to manipulate me into thinking I was a psychopath, but I’ve NEVER taken something like that and immediately prejudicized an entire group because of one thing one of them did. Because THATS STUPID😭😭😭 Like bro, don’t sit there and take one or even like if you’ve met every man on earth except for one and every one of them have been assholes. NEVER prejudicize them. Because you’re an asshole for that. And I mean this for guys too. Never take the women you’ve met and just immediately say that all women are pieces of shit.
Being prejudice has got to be the stupidest thing ever.
Which is why I absolutely hate listening to a lot of artists because a lot of them say dumb shit like “all women are pieces of shit” or “all men are cheaters and pieces of shit”. Like bro, if you think all men are cheaters then fuck off from even dating them. Stay away from them if that’s what you think because if you can’t respect us then we’re going to hate you. And guess what? We’re not going to sit here and say “all women are sexist against men” because most of us are actually good people. Yes some of men might be sexist, but a lot of them aren’t. There are over like 10 billion people on earth. At least some of them are going to be bad people. And the fact that your ignorant ass sits there and has only met a few of them and you immediately say that all men or all women are pieces of shit has got to be the most shitty, ignorant, stupidest shit I have ever heard.
Bro, that’s like playing a game and only seeing the trailer and saying “well that game is absolutely trash”
Do you not understand how stupid you sound?
And this doesn’t even have to be about sexes. This can be about anything. Like kids and adults. Not all kids deserve to be treated like irresponsible kids. Not all adults deserve to be treated like they’re better than everyone younger than them.
This goes for EVERYTHING
If you’re being prejudice against ANYTHING then fuck off and go suck a dick because you don’t deserve to be in the community.
And that’s it
If you’re going to disrespect the community then go somewhere else
Don’t sit there and cry about it
Anyway, that concludes Joe’s Rant of the Day
rugged jewel
I fucking swear I’m going to train to fight and get stronger literally just to beat Emma’s brother’s ass. He’s being such an asshole and just a horrible person
I’m not gonna say what he did, but let’s just say it’s something that could get him taken to prison for a long time
Especially with how many times he’s done it
Emma doesn’t deserve this
He’s such an asshole
He needs to fucking learn how to respect people. Especially his own damn sister
He thinks he’s all that because he’s “never” lost a fight. Even though he just lost a fight by being jumped. Which he almost died in
I wish he would’ve died
He’s treating Emma like shit
If I ever see him and if he’s still doing that shit to Emma then I’m getting all of my friends and the entire fucking football team, which wouldn’t be hard since a few of them are my friends, and I’m jumping his ass. I will fucking curb stomp his ass over and over again until his face is mangled and he looks like a Terrifier victim.
Then I’m gonna get some fucking guy to rape his ass and see how he likes it
Fuck him
rugged jewel
Okay
Emma’s dad is trying to handle it
I swear if he doesn’t fucking stop doing shit to her then I’m going to get Emma to call the cops
rugged jewel
LETS FUCKING GO
EMMA’S DAD KNOCKED HER BROTHER OUT
HE FUCKING DESERVES IT
FUCKING DUMBASS PIECE OF SHIT
🥳🥳🥳
I HOPE IT FUCKING HURT
THIS MAKES ME SO MUCH HAPPIER
I THOUGHT HER DAD WASNT GONNA DO MUCH
BUT HE FUCKING DID
🥳🥳🥳
THIS LITERALLY HAS GIVEN ME SO MUCH ADRENALINE
IM SO FUCKING HAPPY
FUCK HIM
HE DESERVES THAT SHIT
🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
BEST DAY OF MY LIFE
100%
IM SO FUCKING HAPPPYYYYY
🥳🥳🥳
HE FINALLY GOT WHAT HE FUCKING DESERVES
I DIDNT HAVE TO DO IT FOR THEM. I WAS GONNA GET ALL MY FRIENDS TO JUMP HIS ASS IF I EVER SAW HIM
rugged jewel
rugged jewel
I don’t know why, but I feel like shit
I wish Emma was here
She’s not responding
She usually doesn’t respond immediately
And she doesn’t respond for a good few hours a decent bit of the time
I just miss her
Weird to say that
It’s never really happened to me before
Missing someone
I’ve missed her a few times before
It’s just new to me
It’s honestly nice
I know it makes me feel like shit sometimes, but idk
It means I’m getting better
I just hope she comes back soon
rugged jewel
I’m getting worried about Emma
She responded yesterday, but now she hasn’t responded for a while
Apparently her friend is mad because apparently Emma’s treating me better than how she treated her, which I feel like if she is then there most likely a reason for that and I can already tell that it’s not Emma’s fault too because her friend is being jealous of our friendship and that’s just a complete red flag to a friendship. So what I think what happened was that her friend was a bad friend and so Emma didn’t really get to be her best self around her because she had to deal with the constant burden of being treated badly and so now that I’m treating her better and I’m also apparently the nicest anyone ever been to her, but since I’m treating her better she’s able to be a better version of herself because she’s not being dragged down by me. And also because you can’t really be your best self when you’re doing horribly mentally, and Emma’s doing better since I’m here, but I wish she was doing even better. She deserves to be doing the best. I wish she was happier.
rugged jewel
I can’t stop being so happy about Emma’s brother getting knocked the fuck out by her dad
He deserved that
Like it just makes me so fucking happy
rugged jewel
I hate life so much
I’m like the most contradicting person ever
I have good looks apparently because everyone has a crush on me or whatever, but my main problem is not being able to find a relationship
Like I literally have the perfect opportunity
But I can’t do it
I’m just in general a shitty person
rugged jewel
rugged jewel
I’m not really doing okay at all
rugged jewel
I just thought of something
My dad has been wanting me to cut my hair for a while and gets mad that I keep telling them I don’t want to cut it. What if he wants me to cut my hair because he thinks that I haven’t been in a relationship because of it?
Because all the guys in my family are pieces of shit and they base their entire personality around sexualizing women and only want hoes. Or at least they did and still probably would if they weren’t with someone right now
Even my uncle says dumb shit like “when you get a girl don’t just get one, get 10” because he’s stupid and thinks that I just want women for sex or whatever.
I don’t care about any of that
But back to the thing with my dad
If that’s true then I honestly hate him
I already do
But I’d hate him more
Honestly I think I’m just going to go throughout the entirety of highschool without ever being in a relationship. Honestly I think I will go through my whole life without being with anyone
I just don’t have any hope in any of that
I’ve honestly given up on it
Some people tell me relationships aren’t everything, but then go to their partner like “you’re my everything”. I wanna end everything. There’s not a single thing that could bring me happiness other than her. Blissful curse. I want the worst. Searched for years, but all I want is hurt. All I want is hurt. If love is pain then maybe I’ve found it. If love is heaven then baby I’m grounded.
One time I made a joke with my friends. We were talking about a car for some dumb reason and they said “you can’t run over everything with a car” and I said “I’ll run over my wife then and she’s my everything, so technically I can run over everything”
I love the beginning of this
Is it weird that every time I think of being sad I think of being happy
I think of being sad and the first thing that comes to mind is me laughing.
But also it depends
Other times it’s me killing myself
“And I guess my question is, is it too late for me?”
“What?”
“Am I just doomed to be the person that I am? The person in that book?
It’s not too late for me is it? It’s not too late. Diane, I need you to tell me that it’s not too late. I need you to tell me that I’m a good person. I know that I can be selfish and narcissistic and self destructive, but underneath all of that deep down I’m a good person and Diane I need you to tell me I’m good.”
rugged jewel
I’m scared
About what will happen when they get here
I hope they never do
I hope they don’t charge me with anything
I don’t want to be known as that person
I just want to die
Everything would be over
rugged jewel
Just gonna paste this from a different server that I vented in
||One of the main reasons no one can make me feel like I’m a good person is that people will say “you’re an amazing friend” but they’ve never seen what’s happened in the past, they don’t know everything I think, every way that I feel, my problems with caring, and the fact that I can sit here and say all of my problems, but I’ll never even believe myself that they’re true and so it feels like no one ever understands because it feels like I’m lying, but I don’t know how to tell the truth. Then also another reason is that no one actually knows what I think. Like how I sit here and say “I love you” and I’ll have the immediate thought saying “do you?” And it’ll end up being something like “do you? I mean you say it everyday, but you also sit here and have that slight bit of anxiety about them because you’re not confident in yourself in any of this working out. You’ll sit there and say “I love you”, but in all reality you don’t even know. You say you love them, but you sit there and don’t like talking to them 24/7 because it gets boring. You get bored of people, isn’t that really shitty? I mean they’re giving it their all and you’re just getting bored? You’re a horrible person. You can try your best, but you’ve tried your best for years and look at you now, even lower than where you started. Or are you? Tbh I don’t even know. But you’re still trying your best, but everything still goes to shit. Like at this point why not just give up? The only reason you’re alive is because you’re scared of killing yourself. And that’s another thing. Does that not seem really shitty too that the only reason you won’t kill yourself is because you’re scared? Not because of the people who would kill themselves if you died, but because of your own self does that not make you selfish? Then you don’t even like being depressed because you’re scared that you’re cringy. I mean you don’t even like writing this right now because you think it’s cringy.||
||people say “you’re going through your emo phase” you fucking wish it was a phase. Because damn wouldn’t that be amazing. You don’t like the fact that you talk. At all. You feel like you’re annoying even when you say one word. Every word that comes out of your mouth is just another thing to hate to yourself for. You don’t like that you laugh. You don’t like that you like things. You don’t like that you hate things. You don’t like that you hate your parents because you think people just think you’re trying to be edgy. You don’t like that you have serious violent problems about wanting to kill people because you think it’s cringy and you think you’re just trying to be edgy. You hate yourself for having good grades and you hate yourself for having bad grades. You want to be perfect, both of us know that not even that would satisfy you. You feel like everyone hates you and that they’re only saying they don’t because they don’t want to hurt you. You vent to people and they say “it’s all gonna be okay” but that’s what they’re supposed to say. And you’d know that. You say that to everyone. You’re like the best at comforting people which is a bless and a curse because yeah sure you get to help a lot of people and save a lot of lives, but no one can comfort you because you know how people are. How everyone will lie and say “it’s all gonna be okay” but they don’t even know. You don’t like getting close to people because you’re scared that the same thing will happen that’s happened in the past. And I mean at this point I think we’ve proven that that’s true. The cycle only repeats. You find someone, they absolutely love you and want to talk to you 24/7, then you start to get burdened by them, and then that’s when everything falls and everyone hates you. They go from “you’re such an amazing friend” to “you’re better off dead”. People say to help yourself you have to believe that it’s possible to he helped, but they don’t realize how complicated that is for you.You believe in-||
||-yourself, but also it’s sort of doubt-filled faith. So I mean you don’t even know if you believe in yourself. Will you ever know? I don’t know. And then you find people who say you’re an amazing friend and you can sit there for days saying “I will only hurt you. It’s all going to end badly” but they wont believe you. They just think that you’re another person who’s just depressed and is just blind to their own self, so they think that you’re saying that because you believe it to be true, but in reality it’s not. But then they realize that you were telling the truth, but by that time it’s too late. They already hate you. You warn them so much, but they never listen. You want to talk to your friends about this stuff, but they’re going through a lot and you don’t want to burden them. You instead just help them and never say anything. Emma just texted. I have anxiety. I’m scared I’ll hurt her eventually. I’m scared that all of this will never matter. If I’m being honest I think it’s all going to happen again. She doesn’t think it will, but it will. It’s so shitty to sit here and know it will, but still not tell her. But like it’s so hard to tell her. She’s going through so much. I might tell her, but she’ll only say “no it’s all gonna be okay. I’ll never leave you or hate you”. She won’t believe me. Anyways. People do so much for you. Emma’s even trying to get better and stop doing drugs for you. A lot of people have done that for you. But you don’t want them to. You want them to do it for themselves. But they do so much for you and you still can’t even find out how to love them. But also, maybe you do love them. Do you? You’ll never know. No one will. You think you do sometimes, but then you see something on the internet saying something like “you never loved them if you fell out of love” or “you don’t love them if you won’t do anything for them” or “you never loved them if it’s hard for you to care for them” and you start to rethink on if you love them or not. ||
||-Because do you? I don’t know. We’ve already talked about this. You were diagnosed with severe psychosis, but now you’re rethinking it because you don’t really see things much. It’s more of thinking you’re seeing things. Or is that just what your mind wants you to think? You don’t like that you’re writing so much right now because it feels like you vent too much. You’re literally bombarding the server with your problems and burying everyone else’s problems in your’s. One thing you absolutely hate about yourself. Like it’s one of the most shitty things ever is that you don’t want a relationship because you know you’re not good enough for one, but you also do want to be in a relationship because it depresses the fuck out of you for never being in one and also having such little hope in one ever working out. But one thing you like is being on the threshold on relationship and friendship because you’re not in a relationship so you have nothing to stress about. And like you know it’s really shitty, but you don’t know how else to cope. It all ends up horrible no matter what. Like what the fuck is wrong with you? One of the things that constantly repeat in your head are “I hate myself”. It’s sort of like a bunch of voices saying it in your head. Every once in a while you hear a bunch of people saying “I hate myself” you don’t hear it, but it’s in your head. It’s like an intrusive thought. Another thing you always hear in your head is “no one likes you”. It’s usually your mom or just everyone. Your family, your friends, and just literally everyone. Even people you don’t know.” Anyways, I think I’m done narrating the voice in my head.||
Anyways
People said they could help me
I want to let them try
But idk
If it’ll work
They could end up hating me
rugged jewel
I love having a journal
It’s honestly the best thing for me
I can just put my thoughts
And I don’t have to feel like I’m bombarding a server
Because I talk too much
I vent too much
And I just genuinely do way too much
I mean I just typed like an entire essay about my old friend to another server
I want to delete it.
I think I’m going to
rugged jewel
I now have a random pretty bad headache
rugged jewel
Bro we got Fortnite in school😭
rugged jewel
Okay
Tomorrow is Emma’s birthday
Which is like literally in an hour
I’m honestly excited
Which is weird for me
Bro Emma has like brought out so many new things in me that I never knew existed
She’s made me so much better of a person
It’s honestly very surprising
She’s changed me so much
I’m literally going to stay up until 12 and then I’m gonna send her present stuff that I wrote her
I’m starting to hate myself tbh
Like I feel like it isn’t enough
I feel like she deserves more
And like the stuff I’ve written isn’t enough
Like I should’ve spent more time on it
I’m getting depressed tbh
I hope she likes it
It’ll honestly probably take like 4 messages to send everything that I wrote her
rugged jewel
🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
It’s Emma’s birthdayyyyyy
I sent her all of the stuff I wrote and she loved it.
But now I’m gonna try my best to make today the best for her because she doesn’t like her birthday because something bad always happens on them, but I’m gonna try my best to not let that happen and if it does then I’m going to do my best to make her happy.
rugged jewel
Emma hasn’t texted all day except this morning
I hope she’s okay
Maybe she’s having fun somewhere
Hopefully
I hate getting triggered by stuff and just going into a depressed state
Honestly just seeing people in a relationship anymore just like depresses me a lot.
I gave up on relationships
And I think I just need to keep trying to convince myself that I’m not good enough for a relationship
Then maybe one day I’ll just kind of forget about them. Forget that it’s even possible for me to be in a relationship, and just sort of escape love completely
I don’t need love. I just want to get everything in my life done, retire, and die alone.
It would be really depressing, but I’d get over it eventually
It’ll all be okay
I’m so hungry. I just need to wait until like 9 and I might eat
Idk
I’ll probably forget that I was even hungry by that time
Some like 40 year old guy growled at me yesterday😭😭
Also, the guy who was with him, I was literally jealous of his looks and his personality. Bro was doing too good in life😭 bro’s try-harding life😭
And he was a lifeguard 😭
He looked like those lifeguards from movies
Him, except he looked better😭
Now I’m depressed😭
I swear I can’t type anything without deleting all of it because I hate myself😭
I would kill myself by overdose, but after hearing about people surviving I think I’d rather try something else
Either that or overdose somewhere where no one will find me or at least when they do I’d be dead
I was thinking of like just taking a few bottles of pills, going under the house at night, and just eating as many pills as I can take until I pass out
Then I just hope that I don’t wake up
Because waking up after a suicide attempt has got to be the worst feeling
Makes me want to kill myself again lol
That’s sort of my main plan though
To just go under the house and OD
I’d say it’s perfect
As long as I sneak out of the house without anyone knowing, which would be easy
I’ve done it before to go and ding-dong ditch people’s houses with my cousin
Literally one of the funnest parts of my life
They’d get so mad😭
I’ve gotta stop letting my ADHD change the subject so much😭
I got paid today btw
I got 80$ which isn’t bad
But also horrible 😭
I worked for like 3 days. I get paid 8 dollars an hour and I work 5 hours everyday. Idk if I did the math right, but for 3 days that should be 120 dollars
No taxes either. I mean it’s 8 dollars an hour. Literally like the closest to minimum wage😭
Isn’t minimum wage like 6 dollars?
Idk
😭
Probably wrong
Like really wrong
It’s 7.25
So not really that wrong
I feel like it should be illegal to get paid that much
I think minimum wage should be like 10 dollars
I need to stop chewing the skin off of my fingers around my nails
It’s pretty bad😭
(As I continue to chew the skin)
I need to cut off a lot of my irl friends tbh
They’re so sexist and make such shitty jokes that they think is funny
It’s just stupid shit like slurs and stuff and they act like it’s funny
Or just calling people stereotypical things about their race
Which I mean that is fine as long as the joke is actually funny and not just some shitty joke that middle schoolers laugh at
I’m so hungryyyy
I’m literally gonna die
😭
Hopefully😭
I hate myself so much😭
I can’t say anything without me hating myself more 😭
rugged jewel
Emma had a good day
I’m glad she did
She finally gets a birthday where nothing bad happens
rugged jewel
Top 10 reasons to never give me an energy drink
- I’m so fucking energetic rn 😭
2-10. Because Monster is the most unhealthy drink to ever exist. It’s literally one of the top 3 most unhealthy drinks in a store😭
Oh, and also it makes me dissociate so badly😭
BRO
I JUST WENT TO GET MY CHARGER AND I LITERALLY WENT TO GO GET IT AND GOT DISTRACTED BY MESSING AROUND WITH THE BROOM AND I FORGOT IT😭
Idek what’s happening at this point😭
I should never drink an energy drink again😭
Even just a sip of my friend’s makes me energetic
rugged jewel
Tbh
I’m not doing okay anymore
I’m close to having a breaking
On the last day of school😭😭
Idk
It just feels like everyone else has people who are happy to see them, but I don’t and it just hurts
Like to see people get so excited when someone else is there, but when I’m there it’s just a simple “hi”. Which isn’t their fault or anything. It just hurts a lot.
Then also, I give so much attention to other people and I’ll literally spend months just focusing on them, but no one ever even just tries to focus on me for just a second. Like when I start a conversation it’s all about them. The most I’ll say is how I’m doing, but the rest is just about them. Which is normal for me, but it still seems like it’s slowly destroying me.
I hate that it’s so hard for me to ask for help
But also I feel like the only help I could find is finding someone who will good for me, but also I don’t even know if that’s possible. It feels like everything I’ve wanted is gone or was just never there. The only thing I have anymore is my career and that could possibly be gone soon.
I remember venting in one server and I literally got banned from the venting channel because I vented so much. And I started censoring everything because it helped and I was talking to someone about it because they were being an asshole, but they said “people are still going to be worried about you and look at it” or whatever because I said “I just like to censor it because it helps me”. But like I don’t want anyone to worry about me. It’s funny to even hear that people do or that people would. It’s like when someone else is suicidal I immediately text back as I always do and type entire paragraphs to stop them, but when they text me if I tell them I’m getting close to committing suicide they only say something like “No, please don’t do it.” Or whatever.
And like I know they probably care, but they’re just not good at comforting people, or they just don’t feel like putting effort into helping.
But I hate it so much
Just for once it’d be nice to feel like someone cares.
I want to isolate
I want to block all of my friends
Honestly might be a good idea
But I’m not going to do it
I mean it wouldn’t hurt them hardly at all if they just saw my account disappear from their friend’s list.
I’d just be gone
And they’d find someone else eventually
Maybe someone who is like me, but without so many mental issues
That’s honestly all I want for my friends. Is for them to replace me with someone better. I honestly don’t think I’m good enough for them.
rugged jewel
Bro, I fucking swear my friend is such an asshole. He can’t accept that other people have opinions unless it’s him with a different opinion and he’s like “it’s just my opinion, you can have different opinions”. He’s so fucking hypocritical and he’s such an asshole.
Like shut the fuck up
ancient saffron
Bro, I fucking swear my friend is such an asshole. He can’t accept that other pe...
Yeah bro, I definitely understand. I have a friend just like that. He thinks he knows everything. And than he tries to get attention by acting "smart" he's just another annoying, political, hypocritical jerk.
But eventually, he will learn that, "Hey, these people don't wanna talk to me anymore" and than he will realize that it's all his fault
rugged jewel
But eventually, he will learn that, "Hey, these people don't wanna talk to me a...
Yeah.
Also. You’re not allowed to type in peoples journals, but I mean I don’t mind you typing here. I just hope my journal doesn’t get deleted or anything
rugged jewel
I'm sorry
No, it’s okay.
Don’t worry
Idk if they’ll allow you to type here even with my permission, but I mean I give you permission to type here all you want. I guess we just find out what happens eventually😭
They never check the journals anyway
ancient saffron
Oh ok lol
Yeah I just like to help people through the bad times in life.
Cause we all have em!
rugged jewel
Yeah. I do too and I’ve saved lives from suicide and stuff, but I can’t even help myself.
I’d rather help everyone else
rugged jewel
Yeah, but I mean having hope in others will only help them if they at least a slight bit of faith in themselves, but I don’t have any faith in myself
ancient saffron
Yeah, but I mean having hope in others will only help them if they at least a sl...
Yeah, I totally understand
rugged jewel
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you having faith in me and I know they could’ve sounded really shitty and I’m sorry if it did
ancient saffron
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you having faith in me and I know the...
Noooo don't worry man! Your good!!!
rugged jewel
<:hugs:992823004532842516>
ancient saffron
I hope you have a perfect rest of your day/night! Honestly! I will leave you to your thing! If you ever wanna talk tho, you can always dm me if comfortable!.
rugged jewel
Okay. Thank you. I hope you have a great rest of the day/night too
rugged jewel
I’m gonna go to sleep nowww
rugged jewel
Ignorance is bliss, but all I want is a kiss. Sadness seeps through the bars of the cell like the slits on my wrists. Beat the walls till my fists are covered in blood. All I want is love, all they want is lust. Keep the doors shut. Shut them all out. Isolation. Desperation for separation. Lacin’ drinks and vapin’ till my lungs are used on a Don’t Do Drugs demonstration.
rugged jewel
I hate myself so much right now.
I’m in a bad mood and I can’t stop saying shit in anger
rugged jewel
By saying I mean thinking, not saying
rugged jewel
Self worth is worth more than net worth
I can’t go a day without hearing like these intrusive thoughts of just me saying “no” or “you’re worthless” “never” “I hate myself”.
It’s like I hate myself so much that even my intrusive thoughts hate me
But it also could just be my psychosis
Still not sure if I have psychosis
I do hate myself though
I don’t want to live
But I’m too much of a bitch to end it
So idk what to do at this point
rugged jewel
I bought another energy drink😭
I really shouldn’t be letting myself do this
I feel like I’m addicted to them😭
They’re so bad for you, but like it makes me feel so much better😭
rugged jewel
I really am like feeling like killing my self. Like it’s just so tempting to go get a bottle of pills and just chug it
I mean it’s always been tempting
It just gets so much more tempting sometimes
I don’t hate it
I love it
It just feels like I’m getting closer to finally doing it
Escaping all my problems
I want to do it so bad
I don’t even see myself going home tonight
I feel like I’m gonna end up overdosed in the bathroom
I really wish that was the case
I really wish I didn’t make it home
I wish someone would come into the store I work at and just rob us. I’d do whatever I could to get them to kill me
Maybe one day I’ll do it
Hopefully
Hopefully it’s soon
A lot of people think that because I’m suicidal means that I’m just about to kill myself
But it really just means that I’m not doing okay and I’m thinking about it
There’s like a 1% chance that I do it
But 99% of the time I’m just fantasizing about it
Honestly my dream
Literally and figuratively
All my dreams are about suicide
I’ve killed myself in my dreams by shooting myself after killing my family, jumping off the school roof, shooting myself (that’s happened a lot, stabbing myself in the throat, and I think that’s it.
Suicide in my dreams tends to be mostly shooting myself and jumping off of buildings
Probably because it’s my ideal suicide plan
I hate talking about killing myself because people start to get worried and I hate that because then I start to hate myself more because I feel like I only want attention
I’m honestly convinced that attentions all I want at this point
Not help
Not someone to talk to
Just attention
I mean I am like really suicidal and everything, but I don’t believe I’ll ever do it.
Well I can’t say that I fully don’t believe I will do it, but for the most part I’d say I’m fine for at least the next year
That made me think of something to write
Suicidal ideation is my only creation. Cremation, burn me alive. I can’t wait till I’ve died. Sleep deprived, never close my eyes. My demise is constantly set aside. Can’t wait till my mind’s fried.
A few people have told me my poetry and writing is trash, but like I do it for fun. I do care about what they think and it hurts, but I still try to act like it doesn’t
I can’t stop chewing the skin off my fingers around my nails
They bleed a lot
I mean I guess the skin is at least something to chew on
So dumb to say😭
I hate the way I look so much
So many other people say that I’m very good looking and I have friends who literally have fallen in love with me because of my looks, but I just don’t see it
I hate my looks
They’re not that bad
But I hate them
I remember going to middle school in 6th grade and getting asked out a lot
I rejected all of them
And I honestly regret it
As long as they don’t just want me for sex then I’m fine with at least trying to see if it’d work out.
But I mean they all liked me because of my looks
Maybe if I would’ve accepted one of the people that asked me out then maybe everything would be better today
But also I feel shitty for saying and thinking that
Probably is really shitty to say
Top infinite reasons why I hate myself
I don’t like to say everyone hates me because people start to worry
And give me pity and everything
And I don’t want that
I just want people to leave me.
I want people to completely ignore my problems
And just focus on their own
Or other people’s
I think I’m going to completely stop venting in servers
I never vent to my friends
I do a little bit, but hardly ever
But I think I’m going to stop venting completely and probably just vent here
No one ever reads the journal, so it’s okay
I mean people do sometimes
But like they can’t type in it, so I don’t have to worry about people saying anything. I mean I don’t mind people saying anything in my journal at all. I mean you could type in it all you want, but Idk. It’s complicated. I don’t mind people typing in my journal. But idk. I’m kind of going through like a mood swing or something right now and my entire opinion and everything has changed and contradicts everything I’ve just said😭. Idk what to do
I’m just gonna say that I don’t mind people typing in my journal
Okay, we’re back to feeling like I was a minute ago😭
Anyways
Back to ranting😭 maybe
I CAN’T EXPLAIN HOW I FEEL AND IT’S SO ANNOYING😭😭😭 I THINK IM JUST GONNA MOVE ON FROM THIS😭
I CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT😭
My finger’s bleeding again😭
I hate that people say I’m a lot like my dad. Or at least my family does
I don’t like my dad
I don’t like my family
But I don’t like saying that I don’t like things because it makes me feel like I’m ungrateful
And it makes me feel like I’m trying to make it seem so much worse than it is
It’s really not that bad
It’s not even bad
I can’t say that
But I will😭
It is bad, but I don’t want to say it is😭
Here’s a CD because it wont stop popping up in my emojis😭
💽
A lot of people say stuff like “you’re not alone” but the thing about it is that you can never convince me that I’m not alone with the stuff I deal with.
It’s hard to believe what people say when they try to comfort me
But then again they never try that hard
It’s just “I hope you feel better. I’m sorry about that. It’s all gonna be okay though”
Intrusive thoughts and impulsivity does not go well together and is a very hard thing to deal with. I hate it so much
I really wish I wasn’t so impulsive
Everything just gets so tempting
Like holding a knife and it’s just so hard to resist the temptation to stabbing someone or myself
I just want to feel what it’s like to feel the blade go into someone’s skin
Or like holding a knife and wanting to stab myself so badly
It’s so tempting
It’s so hard to resist
I honestly don’t know how I do it
It’s like every second I get a random thought and get so tempted to do it
Like standing on a cliff and my first thought is to jump off
I’m sure a lot of people get those thoughts
It’s got to be like a normal thing
I’m not trying to seem edgy
I don’t even like talking about mental issues because it seems so emo and I hate it😭
Like “I can’t even feel anything right now. I’m emotionless man. It’s like my entire world is colliding with other planets. I hate my mom. She’s such a bitch. She doesn’t understand me.”😭😭😭😭
One thing I’ve always said is “I hope it’s a phase” and I honestly really hope it is😭. Like bro being able to just look back and think “all of that was nothing but a phase” and just like being happy. It’d be amazing.
I remember when my cousin saw the music I listen to and said “you’re going through a phase, you’ll get through it eventually” and now she’s 17 having breakdowns and went to a mental hospital a few months ago.
Maybe she changed her mind😭
I’m not trying to disrespect her or anything
I just talk to much idk😭
I love her
I’m 100% cringy😭
I hate myself so much😭
Like it’s honestly so hard not hate myself.
I want to die😭
I hope I grow out of this😭
All I’ve gotta say to my future self is, FUCK YOU😭😭😭
Kill yourself, please😭😭
I don’t want to be here much longer😭
I don’t want to be here at all, but like I’m not going to be killing myself anytime soon.
Maybe I could find some like easy way to kill myself that’s not very painful and isn’t overdosing
Overdosing has a high chance of living
So I wouldn’t want to do that
Plus OD is hard to get myself to do
I don’t like cuts
And idk.
I could find something eventually
My like ideal way is by sneaking up to the school roof and jumping
I’d hate myself if the door was locked😭
You ever just like admire someone so much and feel like they sort of don’t care about you?
I hate that feeling because like it never happens to me
I never really like admire someone like that
I guess I do
But idk
It feels like I fall in love, but it never works out.
Not just because they don’t like me
rugged jewel
Also because I’m just bad at love and am not good enough for it tbh
Suns shining bright, but it feels like I’m the one casting a shadow. Smoking tobacco till my lungs got a black hole
rugged jewel
I hate that all that’s on my mind constantly is suicide, I hate myself, and just thinking about how bad of a person I am
I honestly feel like ghosting everyone and just sort of letting them forget about me and move on
Then maybe come back a while later and they’d hate me and leave
I feel like I’m only hurting them by staying
If they found someone better then I’d be happy for them
I hope they find someone better
That’s all I want for all of my friends
Is just for them to find someone better
If my friends found someone better and slowly started to not talk to me as much then I’d be happy for them and just let them leave
I wish everyone who knows me found someone better
I remember when my old best friend used to say “but I only want you”. Now she wants anyone else except me
And I’m glad
I tell everyone that there’s someone better
That they should find someone better
And I’m happy to see them finding people who are better
I’d love to uplift everyone else and just leave myself and no one help me
It’s sort of what I already do
And I’m glad tbh
Seeing everyone else happy hurts a lot and I’ve almost had so many breakdowns from it, but I kind of like it
I like crying
People say “do what you love” and I love self sabotage for the benefit of others
It’s the way I live and the way I’ll always live
I know I say this, but when people say “you can only get help if you want help and will accept it” it makes me so like depressed.
Because I want help, but it’s so hard for me to accept it
I’ll spend so much time on people, but no one spends time on me
And I sort of want it to be that way
I don’t want people to care for me
I don’t want people to worry about me
I do
But at the same time I don’t
Like it’d be so nice to just hear “I was worried about you”, but also like idk
It’s so complicated
I want people to worry about me when there’s something wrong
But also like I don’t want them to even acknowledge that I’m not okay
But I do at the same time
Like I want them to just sort of do what everyone does and just say “sorry about that” and move on to themselves
But also I don’t
I want to be helped
But I don’t want to too
And people can never understand that because it’s so hard to understand
I don’t even understand it
I just wish someone would help
I wish I could get better
Except I don’t want someone to help
I don’t know if I can handle that
I just want to die
If someone had a gun to my head right now I’d 100% say “do it”
I’m too much of a bitch to kill myself
They could do it for me
It feels like something’s moving
It feels like something’s breathing under my head (I’m laying down)
And then I look back and my stuffed animal’s stomach is moving as if it were breathing
Psychosis episode? Maybe😭
Idk
It’ll be okay
I SWEAR SOMETHINGS MOVING😭
BUT I KEEP LOOKING BACK AND THERES NOTHING
EXCEPT MY STUFFED ANIMALS
AND THEYRE MOVING A LITTLE BIT, BUT LIKE NOT ACTUALLY
ITS NOT REAL
😭
IM DELETING EVERYTHING I JUST SAID
BECAUSE IM STUPID
rugged jewel
I’m talking to my friends rn
I don’t want to be here tbh
But I do because it’s the only thing keeping me not sad and miserable
Seeing other people talk about other and saying “I miss them. Hopefully they come back soon.”
Or even just saying “where did [name] go?”
It just makes me feel so worthless
I want someone to feel that way and say that stuff when I’m gone
But like
Do I really want that?
It feels like if I had that I’d ruin it
Because of my anxiety
And just me in general
I feel like if I had anyone even somewhat close to me that I’d ruin it all
I always do
And if anyone tried to like say “we can be friends and don’t worry you won’t ruin the friendship” I’d just say “Please don’t try to be my friend. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not gonna work”
Because it won’t work
The only thing I’d want to talk to anyone for is to either help them or just for suicide ideas
Like just some sort of easy way to kill myself that’s almost painless
Or is completely painless
You know? I’ve been thinking what death would be like? Maybe shoot myself and find a new life? Slit my wrist and find a new light? Walk into the ring knowing I can’t fight? If there’s a gas leak then I’m lighting the lighter. Set my house on fire. Blow my fucking brains out. People trynna tell me “calm down, it’s all gonna be okay” like shut the fuck up. It’ll never be okay. Fuck God, you won’t get shit no matter how much you pray. Trynna convince me to stay, but there’s no reason to stay. Just walk away. I’ll run till my fucking legs decay. I’m not okay. I try to stay happy, but this shit feeling like a dream someone slap me.
rugged jewel
I want to die really badly
But idk what to do
Should I just overdose?
Maybe?
Idk
rugged jewel
Sittin’ in my room, listening to music that’ll describe me till my tomb. Smokin’ shrooms
I don’t know what to write
rugged jewel
“I wish someone loved me as much as I hate myself” - Citizen Soldier
rugged jewel
I’m always alone. I only talk to Siri on my phone. Loneliness is all I’ve ever known. My heads blown cuz I put a barrel to my dome. I’m never home, I’m lost.
——-
Why do I always dream about the people at the mental hospital?
I swear they’re in all my dreams
It’s funny how they’ve been in my dreams more than my own family
They meant a lot to me
But now they’re gone
So what do I do?
Just sit here and be depressed asf because they’re not here?
Because that’s all I know how to do
rugged jewel
Usually when I get an intrusive thought I just say “shut the fuck up” and it helps.
But sometimes I still believe them
That all my thoughts are true
Like every time I say “I love you” I hear myself say “no you don’t.”
“Go ahead and tell them already. That you don’t care about them”
And I start to believe them
That I don’t care
It’s hard to know what’s true anymore
People say “go with your gut” but I don’t know who’s talking anymore
Am I the one thinking these things?
Or is it the voices?
I don’t know anymore
Emma’s not doing good.
I honestly have had thoughts about leaving her
Not because of her or anything
But because helping her hurts me a lot
Not a lot
But it stresses me out a lot
But leaving would feel like I only used her
Even though I’m the one helping her
I don’t want to leave her
But I do
I feel like it’s best for me to
But I won’t
I love her
I want her to have a great life
And I’m the only thing making her even the slightest bit happy
rugged jewel
I wonder if it’s the psychosis when I hear “no”
Just people saying it
It’s in my head though
It’s not audible
It happens a lot
But right now it’s just “no”
It happens when I’m thinking about something depressing usually
Which right now is something idek if I want to say
I just don’t feel like talking
I don’t even know why I’m typing right now
rugged jewel
I don’t wanna live, problems are all I’ve got to give.
rugged jewel
I’m not doing good
Emma’s not doing good at all either and I should really be helping her, but I’m not doing good enough to help. I am, but I really don’t feel like texting anyone
Or talking
rugged jewel
Also, a few days ago I found out that I’m a masochist. Because like when I’m hit or like just any type of pain happens to me I can’t stop laughing. It’s not like me acting like I’m laughing or anything or me just laughing it off. I will just like get punched in the arm by my dad and start laughing. Or like that one time where me and my dad were play-fighting with inflatable boxing gloves for kids😭 and like he was hitting me hard, so the thing deflated while we were fighting and he like actually hit me straight in the nose😭 it still had a little bit of air in it, but it wasn’t hardly anything there. But while we were fighting and after I got punched in the nose I could not stop laughing😭. And like me and him like to punch each other in the arm or leg and stuff and we’ll leave bruises on each other, but I’ll be laughing so hard when we’re hitting each other.
It’s just funny😭
Also, I’ve always wanted to be like tased because I love electrocution pain.
Idk why: it’s just been something that I’ve always wanted to do
To be tased😭
Maybe it’s normal. I feel like it is. I know the being hit and laughing probably isn’t normal, but like the wanting to be tased. Like at least once in your life you’ve gotta have like the curiosity of what being tased would be like.
And plus electrocution is so spontaneous so the fear of being electrocuted is just so fun
“Life sucks and I’d be an asshole to let you live it” - G-Mo Skee
rugged jewel
I think I have a phobia of bees
To a certain extent
Like if I have one of those suits on where they can’t get in then I’d walk into a bee hive easily, but like if I know I could be stung then I’m a little scared
Idk if it’d be counted as a phobia
I just feel like it’s a little bit excessive
rugged jewel
Energy Drinks make me feel so much better😭
I’m gonna have an addiction😭
Energy drinks do help a lot though
So tbh idc
I really need to stop drinking them though😭
I don’t want to be like caffeine dependent or anything😭.
I should not be drinking these😭
But I feel so much betterrrrrr😭
But I’ll feel so much worssssee in the long runnnnn😭
But I don’t expect to live to my 30s, so does it matter?😭
rugged jewel
Contemplating suicide like who am I? Don’t need no warning signs, I wanna die. Got a rope to tie. Fuck heaven, I don’t fly high. Tied down to Hell in my prison cell. Burning till my skin melts. Pains all I’ve ever felt.
I hate my writing
It’s honestly bad
Cringy most likely
I hate it
It’s fun to write it, but it makes me hate myself more
Why is that here😭😭
Tbh nothings okay
I feel sort of like horrible right now
But it’s more of a like being really suicidal and numb
I just want to die
Maybe the car will crash on the way home😭
Literally one of the reasons no one should let me drive
I’d drive straight into the wrong lane😭
Head on collision😭😭
rugged jewel
I’m not okay. Drown my face in acid-laced alcohol. Traced my life back to death. The times been set, I’ll be dead in a sec. Bled till my minds got nothing left. Snort meth till my lungs are full of it.
rugged jewel
Suicide is near. You never loved me my dear. You fear the day I fall from the ocean peer, but that’s only because you know you wouldn’t shed a tear. The gears in your head all revolve around wishing I were dead. We laid in bed, “I love you” is something you’ve never said. You’ve hated me since the day we met. Love’s supposed to make you happy, but why do you look so upset? You made my bed in the casket. Your love is something I can never sense. Looked through every lens, but nothing helps me see why you did what you did to me.
Kill myself in the back of the graveyard. I knew I’d never make it far. You screamed at my grave, but it’s too late. I’m gone and you’re afraid of the food that’s left on your plate. My corpse rots in the parking lot of where we first met. I said I’d let you know all my secrets, but death seems to have intercepted that. We used to laugh about how we got so close so fast. Never knew it wouldn’t last, but this is the future, that was the past. Losing each other is something we could’ve never grasped.
Forget me. Why won’t you let me leave? I will only hurt you, desert you, oh how I never want to hurt you. The blood’s stained on your perfect blue shirt. You’re perfect, you don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you. You’re the best. I’m the scratchy tag on the back of your neck. I’m your pet peeve. Desert me. Hurt me.
Kind of bad tbh
I’ll just keep it here
I need to think of more to write
Just think of some random word ig
My body deteriorates in your back yard. Slit my wrist with a glass shard. The place I died is now only the place where you park your car.
Idk
rugged jewel
Starting to feel like suicides my only option.
I want to write something off of that, but I’m doing horrible right now and I don’t feel like it
I honestly don’t even feel like typing
Or sitting
Or standing
Or sleeping
I just want to die
rugged jewel
You probably shouldn’t look at the last two
I’d rather you not
I just wanted to put them here
It’s been getting so much more tempting to kill myself
I want to do it
But will I ever?
Probably not
I wish I would
rugged jewel
Such a menace imma need the death sentence. Bitches gonna be put in chains when they reminisce this shit. You pussies in heaven, I’ll catch you in the flip side. Riptide straight through your back side.
——
I’m not doing good at all right now
I’m a horrible person
I keep making the same mistakes
I think I can do it and I think it’ll be different, but it’s always the same
I don’t know what to do
I honestly might do it
No
I won’t, but I really wish I would
If I just had a bottle of pills in my room
It’s not tempting enough to walk to the kitchen for the other pills
Why do I always leave people
Everyone loves me, but it feels like I hate them
But I still lie
Saying that I love them and everything as if everything’s okay
Because I don’t want to hurt them
I’m so confused with my friendships
If this one ends then I’m never making anymore friends online
But when this one ends I hope she’s okay
I’m not gonna end it
She’ll have to
I don’t want to end it
I love her
But she stresses me out so much sometimes
She has a lot of problems
I’m trying to help her deal with them, but she’s gonna need more than just me
I just need a break
Except
The break would need to be like a few months
Because I’ve been going at this shit for years
Just helping people
It’s destroying me
A lot
But I’m a bad person to them
Sure I help them a lot
And save their lives
Make them happy
But does it all really mean anything when it’s destroying me?
I don’t want to leave because I’m being destroyed by it
I want to leave because I feel like I’m the bad person for helping
The way that I do
If anyone from before was here they’d agree
My parents are yelling
And arguing
I honestly hope one of them kill each other
As long as they’re gone
Either that or they need to shut the fuck up
Immature dumbasses
I hate that hating on people makes me feel better
Or like violence
Just thinking about it
And fantasizing about it
My parents are so stupid
It’s sad when I can’t even talk to my friends without having to mute myself because my parents are yelling
My mom yells 24/7
Bro doesn’t know how to talk normally
😭
“And I won’t change to make you my fan. I’d rather you hate me for who I am than love me for who I’m not, so chew 5 xans and suck my fucking nutsac through my pants” - G-Mo Skee
rugged jewel
I hate life
I hate myself
I’m getting very dissociated
The reason is honestly stupid and I hate it
Because I know it’s something that is stupid to even think about me having
I think it’s best for me to forget it all
Forget it exist
I’ve said this before, but I still can’t get myself to do it
I think it’s best to leave every server except just a few
Hopefully I die soon
I hate saying that all the time because it feels like I’m wanting attention
I’d honestly rather people leave me alone
Even though I don’t want them to too
I want help
But I don’t at the same time
It’s just that I do want to die like really badly, but not bad enough to do it
The fear annoys me
A lot
The only reason I wouldn’t want to kill myself is to show my old best friend that I’m better than her
That she’s nothing but a meth head failure
I need to stop chewing my skin
I know I told myself yesterday that I would stop drinking energy drinks, but at this point I don’t care how bad they are for me. They make me feel better
If only it was drugs
I feel like I’ll grow up smoking weed
But I mean if I’m happy then I don’t care
I hate how I sound to myself
The way I type
It’s so stupid
I hate it
I hope she kill’s herself
I hope she destroys her brain with meth
I don’t care how shitty it is to say that stuff
She deserves it
I don’t care what people think
If I lived near her before I kill myself I’d kill her too
rugged jewel
I kind of want to kill myself at my job because my mom’s last interaction with me was her being mad and plus she didn’t say “I love you” when I left, so she’d regret it for the rest of her life and it’d be something she will remember for the rest of her life, and she deserves that
I won’t do it
But like it’d be a great way to do it
I fantasize about the day where I’ll finally own a gun, so when I’m suicidal I can just put it to my head and let my impulsivity decide whether I die that day or not
Seeing the people who tried to hurt me makes me feel better
Because I want to feel better because of them
Just to piss them off
Writing makes me feel better
And just fantasizing about m^rder and hurting people helps too
The dumbass therapists and psychiatrists said “you’re surrounded by gore and violence, so why would you not think about it and like it?”
They don’t know anything
It’s my coping mechanism
Instead of being sad about people not liking me, I just fantasize about hurting them and be happy that they hate me because it only gives me more reasons to hurt them
My friend doesn’t even believe that I have a problem
He just thinks I’m trying to be edgy
He didn’t say that, but I know he does think that
I honestly wish I was doing it to be edgy
Like to just be fine
And only be doing stuff for attention
I’d rather be that person than who I am today
At least I’d be okay
I’ve had entire like anxiety attacks and stuff for a week straight because I was scared of myself
I hate myself
I was scared that I’d hurt someone in the future
And I was scared that I’d do something else
But only like one person knows what that is
I hate myself for my problems
I hate myself for hating myself
And I hate myself for having problems
And I hate myself for thinking I have problems
rugged jewel
I hate myself for everything
There’s nothing that I don’t hate myself for
Everything I say and everything I think is only another thing to hate myself for
Saying I hate myself makes me hate myself more
Because it sounds emo
And cringy
I want to delete my journal tbh
But it helps