Ill try to trigger warn a lot of things if it comes down to it
#Lotus's Journal
formal monolith
To start off im useing this to talk about my past and my day to day life things that bother me and things idk what to do or how to deal with
From as far back as i can remember ive always had to dral with something i was dighnosed with Ptsd Adhd and abandoned ment issues except thats also what my ptsd came from was abandoned ment
Though i wasnt entirely abandoned i was still dighnosed with it and i can kinda see why
I mean coming from a porsen who had a mistake brake drown pleading crying and begging somone not to leave me when i upset them
I hate upseting ppl bc first thing that goes threw my head is that if they leave its mu fault and that theyre gonna leave me just like everyone else though i wasnt abandoned abandoned thats what would still go threw my head
I was dighnosed with all this when i was 6 years old and tbh im still having problems
From what i know I started developing abandonedment problems ya very long time ago
Pretty bad times
I cant exactly remember how old i was at the time everything started
But my dad was never really home ever really amd when he was he was always laying around in pain bc he would work himself half to death the guilt i felt at that age still hits me a lot at how hard he worked to keep the family up and going
But all his work was practically for nothing
All he did went to the dump
He worked himself half to death so we could have a good life but yet it all went to the dump
Tw:||talk abour drugs||
||My moms friends toxic ppl tbh they convinced her to take a drug telling her it would make her fell better and it wasnt bad a lie ofc they got her hooked on it so they could get it off of her weird how i understood that pretty young btw my mom was also bipolar and she said she has been dighnosed with schizophrenia but she thinks maybe it was a miss dighnoses maybe
Back to what i was saying...they got her hooked and a lot of you may know how drugs can effact a porsen especially the horrible ones...i was pretty young at the time and at the time i was so confused i began to understand what happend the more i got older but when she got hooked it was pretty bad||
|| she only cared about me and my siblinfs to a point if she ran out of what she wanted she didnt give a shot about me or my siblings untik after she got what she wanted she spenr every last penny my dad made without him knowing on drugs unfortunately this went on for anwhile my mom constantly ignored me and ny siblings yelling screaming blaming me for everythinf my siblings did was apparently my fault bc i was the oldest and should have taught them better i guess||
||a lot of times id lock my siblings in there rooms or yell at them to stay in there rooms when ever my mother would start getting pissed over the smallest things like dropping herr cup or if i spelt somthing she would stsrt screaming and yelling how i always made a mess and that she should have never had kids||
||i wont lie i was hit a few times as i kid but every time was more confusing then the rest as when she calmed down she would come sobbing at my knees cradeling me and crying she was sorry she would never do it again until she got mad again and that was all out the window endless circle it would go as far as she would scream at me everytime she got pissed and a lot of things where always my fault the dog did somthing bad it was my fault she got mad it was my fault she accidentally kicked the dog she would find somthing to start sceaming at me about saying she wished she never had children she threw things a lot||
Tw:||mentioned suicide|| ||And broke things to unfortunately my siblings started to hate me bc they said i was to bossy and bc i kept them in there rooms all the time later on started screaming at me to go kill myself jump in front a buss they wouldn't care if my brains where blown out or that i should have never been born at all bc i was doing nothing but making the family worse by just being alive tbh i even considered it i wanted to jump off mu roof or hang myself in the kitchen take a bottle of pills so i would never awake again||
||My mom constantly yelled she wished she never had children and that if she killed herself we would all be screwed if she hung herself right then and there or did somthing to herself or that she would get in the car and never come back everytime she would threat that she would leave until the next day coming back either sobbing or pretending like nothing happend||
Shocks me how much im shaking right now just texting this
||one day she did as she usually did screamed she wouldnt ever come back this happend on a weekly basis btw this day my dad came home he tbh wasn't well he was hurtinf real bad and she got extremely mad bc of somthing and did as shee did a lot she ran out grabbed the car keys and my dad held me back as i screamed for her not to leave us that id be a better kid i remember doing that very clearly but that time she didnt come back the next day i believe she was gone for around 3 days or a week i dont exactly remember i just know the house was a mess my dad cooked hamburgerhelper for dinner we all bearly ate he didnt eat at all i tried to make him eat but he bearly did later that day he passed out in the hallway out if no where i panicked me and my little siblings we all panicked we where running crying we where about to run to the neighbors house to ask for help until he woke up and grabed one of us cant remember who and said next time we needed to check his pulse befor doing any of that ever since that day i grew a habbit of checking if he wass breathing when ever he randomky fainted he did it a lot befor my mom finnaly came back we told her about ehat was happening to him at the time i remember she acted coldy towards what happend and later on she went to leave again after she yelled at us a few days later and shit though this time i tried to get in front of the car so she wouldnt leave and to my shock she almost ran me over||
She didn't even look back she just ran off later on i found out where she had been going turned out she was cheating on my dad
Going to another guys house and the only reason i found that out is bc my dad told me bc i was the oldest i knew how to keep secrets more at the time both ny siblings couldn't keep secrets mu dad would tell me to say things like i had a bad dream that she left so she woild fell bad and wouldnt leave my
Sorry bad grammer hands are shaking and im typing fast
My dad told me to say a lot of things to my mom so she wouldnt leave though to her me and my siblings where apparently the reason she was cheating bc we where horrible kids she said
Ill finish this tomorrow i need to let my nerves cool down ive gotten to shaky and i haven't been able to sleep
formal monolith
I guess ill say a bit more she cheated on my dad for a while my dad asked me once that if we where taken and i seen that man and she kissed him to say that that was wrong bc dad was sick at home technically he kinda was
Tw:||drugs mentioned||
||So while my mom was taking all the drugs and shit and had ppl manipulating her into doing things for them||
formal monolith
Getting things and buying them there addiction useing her for my fathers money
So my dad worked and worked and worked to get money for me and my siblings and bearly any of it went to us
The only time it did was when my dad was around
With all that going on at that point i got to the point i stsrted preparing myself to be threatend or yelled at or left every time she did leave id cry in my room and say that she would come back and that shes gonna do this again and i had to get used to it and stop crying i hated how hurt i felt i hated how my chest and stomach hurt and how bad it made my nose hurt when id try not to cry i remember holding myself and hoping maybe she would come back and comfort me maybe hug me and lay in bed with me
She never did
formal monolith
The only time she snapped out of things was if i was physically hurt really bad or bleeding and she would start sobbing unless she hit me herself
Somtimes
It was always confusing
How she would go from mad to sad to mad again i was to young to understand tbh it confused me
Somtimes she would sob but if i cried for to long she would push me off her and start saying fuck it like she gave up trying to comfort me
I cried myself to sleep a lot
At some point i stopped crying and bearly cried since
My mom has noticed that here recently
That i bearly cry anymore even if im bleeding heavily
I rarely cry anymore but just bc i dont cry much anymore doesn't mean i dont get that sad though i kinds burst somtimes
Ones she was mad at my father and i tried to side with him bc he was in the right she got pissed at me and started chunking her dishes in the sink a plate broke and she turned around aaying fuck it she didnt care anymore and she should have left a long time ago
I didnt know what happend since ive heard that so meany times thought i was used to it but thst day it eas like even though i tried not to cry i did even if it was for a few seconed she did hug me though out of random she got pissed again saying fuck it she didnt care and told me to go to my room
I wont say she didnt comfort ne somtimes bc she did try somtimes somtimes she didnt but i was always confused on why she did though somtimes she woukd get mad and give up somtimes she wouldnt somtimes she wouldnt even try so i never knew if i was gonna be comforted or not
Back then my dad got angry pretty easily though he never raised his hands to me or my siblings he has threatened to hit us but never did as he grew up in a household like that he also knew he could accidently severely injure us bc my dads a strong guy
I was born sickly to i was weaker then other kids and smaller at the age of 6 i was really small compared to every kid my age and more fragile then the rest i got sick really easily and had really bad asthma back then
So bad i was put in the hospital bc i couldnt breath and put on a breathing machine for a few hours just bc i ran a small amount
I couldnt be around any animal back then any flowers or be around fire works
Or i wouldnt be able to breath without my inhaler
I have a lot of pets now days as my asthma gradually almost went away tbh
But i was put in the hospital a few times bc i wasnt able to breath
Times that i had to go to the hospital my mom was actually like a mom mom she would act like it and everything
Guess it was the concern in her heart of being a mother even though she wouldnt care less if she didnt have her stuff at the time
I know this went on for a very long time actually i think it only stopped ya few yesrs ago a few years befor covid started we had a huge car crash
It was night time and me ny siblings where in a ford type of vehicle my mom was driving to Walmart after...me and my siblings had begged to spend some money we got from are grandparents.... i still blame myself FOR ever fucking begging her so freaking late its my fault that we went out i was the one who convinced her to go out
Well my sister snd brother stsrted aruging in the back seat i think i tried to stop the arument as we where told if we kept aruging she would stop the car and go back home well it didnt stop and so she hit the brakes real hard it all slung us forward and then the tire came off the vehicle and it flipped we ended up flipping into a ditch where idl how but we where catapulted into the very top of the trees and the vehicle dropped all the way back down to the ground i had blackled out for idk how long
When i woke my my little brothr was trying to brake down the window of the car and i wanted to help but my mom was laying across my sister in the back seat and i panicked trying to take my seat belt off but it was already off i got up and tried to wake my mom up kept hearing my sister screaming and my brother bashing the window i tried to shake my mom awake she wouldn't wake up
The last word i heard her say was she wasnt okay i panicked when she blacked out and i panicked so bad i started screamed my foot was stuck under the seat of the passenger seat i was in the back behind the frotn passenger seat my little sister was in the middle and my brother was on the left side behind the driver side seat i had panicked and took my shoe off bc my shoe was the thing stuck under the collapsed seat and i hopped into the trunk and brake out rhe rest of the glass from the back gladd of the trunk hopped out and helped smash what glads was left on my brothers side where he was
Tw:|| lot of blood mentioned||
||My brother hopped out and i told him he needed to lay in the grass bc he eas bleeding and i was trying to tell my sister things whete okay i ran out in front of the road where i women in a jeep almost hit me i froze up when she almost hit me but she stopped befor she did she ran out of her car i screamed my brother was bleeding and my mom wouldnt wake up she panicked and ran around grabbed my brother and put him in the back seat of her jeeo on some dog pads and he was bleeding a lot next thing i new i man came running out of his house with a towel on and he seen what was going on and said the only reason he knew what happend was bc he heard it from his house and my screaming||
||I was now running back ans forth from the jeep and the car we crashed in there was glass everywhere there was blood everywhere my brothers blood was on me so was my mothers blood was on me luckily my sister was bearly injured the guy was trying to wake my mom up i watched as she stopped breathing||
||She stopper breathing i seen as she leaterly died the guy brung her back to life luckily i still remember seeing her die though||
||and all the blood I remember 99 of the blood came from her she eas bleeding she was bleeding out she was dieing||
||I didnt know what to do i felt so hopeless i felt like i couldnt do anything and i couldnt my heart was pounding i was shaking i didnt know what to do at all i panicked i had just seen my mother die i actually thought she was gone gone i didnt know the guy revived her the ambulance came i remember them runninf to the car and taking my mom out of the car off of my little sister unbuckling my sister out of her seat belt and picking her up and holding her checking her for injuries i remember being grabbed and pulled to the side near the back of he ambulance as they asked me what happend and if i knew any phone numbers of family members but i only knew the first digits of my grandmas phone number but i told them her full name and they got her ||
And my dads name
Tw:||gore||
||They grabbed me lefted my shirt up and everything checking my back checking around me my head was a bet busted open and i was bleeding a bit but i eas beat up pretty badly not deathly beat up but what got me the most the tools that came out and hit me during the crash ad a tree branch hitting me in the face||
They checked around me and i seen them take my mom in the ambulance the women in the jeep took my brother and the ambulance took my sister and put her in the back one one of the guys picked me up and put me in the ambulance to and they drove us all to the hospital though they stopped i cant remember where i remember a guy grabbing me and putting me on the ground my grandma was at the hospital befor the ambulance she ran ovwr checked us as the ambulance drove off and took my mom somwhete else where they loaded her in a hillicopter and flew her all the way somewhere else i was taken into the hospital and the docters where all over the place i remember going to the front desk and a women tryinf to give me somthing to put on my finger but i refused to and she didnt give it to me
We where all taken to the emergency room brother was sent to another hospital i was sent to my grandparents house my brother had to get surgery and he was in the hostpital for half a month or a whole month the next day after that crash when i woke up i couldnt move i couldnt open my mouth i could bearly swollow anything
My grandma leaterly had to hand feed me and make my jaw move so i could eat
While that was all happening my dad got a call when they where flying my mother and he was 5 hiurs away he was still working with my uncles and grandpa they all packed there things and got in the care and was there withen an hour or 30 minutes they speeded to the hospital ny mom was in
I cant remember how long my mom eas in the hospital but she was in there fzee aor a very long time she eas in a coma for months they said she would never wake up but she did but she kept yelling she killed us she wanted to die bc she killed us bc she thought she killed me and my siblings in the car crash
She kept trying to unplug things and everything the only how they calmed her down was that my grandma had to bring me and my sister to the hospital with balloons and flowers to visit her she finnaly realized we where all alive me and my sister finnaly realized ate mother was actually alive to
Tw:||drugs mentioned||
||The time she was in the hospital she soberd up from the drugs since she was in there for so long my dad stayed with her the intire time he did not leave her side he quit his job never left but when he had to go out to get food he slept in the hospital did not leave||
She got better though when sh le was realised she was sent to my grandparents house where my grandma had to take care of her and my dad unfortunately had to work again to pay of hospital bills
Tw:||gore mentioned||
||Whole that was happening i was forced to look at the huge hige bloody wound she had when ny grandma was cleaning it they forced me to look at it and called me a chicken when i started crying and hideing thinkijg she was dead or dieing again||
Luckily shes still alive and able to move around
I can still remember the screames the red lights the glass and all the blood it was in my nightmares for years and years i kept picturing that day replaying in my head over and over i had nightmars a lot some that would actually make me cry in my sleep and know one could wake me from them
Tw:||mentioned some gore||
||I had nightmars of being in a crash over and over and over and over again nonstop nightmare defrent crashes defrent ways my mom lifeless or dieing it got so bad i got to the point i didnt wanna sleep fighting sleep refusing to sleep staying up for days on end||
Until i would black out from exhaustion
The longest i stayed up was 4 full days befor blacking out on the couch of my uncles used to be girlfriend house on her couch
I HAVE NO CLUE WHO ALL CAN READ THIS
But
Im just ranting
Theres a lot more things that happend befor my mom got sober
Though my mom was doijg way better then she used to eveything didnt completely stop though
The after math of that freaking addiction and her staying off was like a fucking storm
It was horrible not as horrible as it was when she was on it but after she was healed it went all back she didnt get back on the stuff she eas on but my dad came home more but it didnt stop she still cheated in my dad and left constantly until a few years befor covid started ny dad had a stroke i was the one who descoverd him having a stroke he was looking at some red cabbage ny grandma eas growing and he looked at me his face was drooping and i ran to my mom and she flew out of her seat after i explained to her what was happening bc at first she acted coldky towreds it and was saying he was fine until i said his face was drooping and she flew out of her seat and ran outside and we forced him to the hospital where they flew him off to another hostpital
They gave him all sorts of meds that made him all typs of fucked up dizzy numb some even made him violent so he never took them like they told him to bc he punched a hole threw my brothers door he got pissed at one point tarrifide the shit out of me and my siblings
We all ran off and i think it kinda scared my dad to so he stopped takijg his meds and only took them when it was emergencys
My mom seemed to realize she actually had to actually be home to take care of my dad and finnaly stopped randomly screaming yellijg and leaving untill the next day she broke up with the guy bc he yelled at her once and she ran off from him tbh he gave me bad vibes anyways
And what she was doijg was horrible cheating on my dad like wtf
Im sorru but she cant blame that on her bipolar
She had plenty of weeks to look back on what she eas doing days months AND SHE never thought anything of it but at the time he spoiled her and bribed her with money gsve her everything she wanted with MONEYyyy and everything and when she realized ding toxic guy he truly was she left him though she should have never tried to be with him
Tbh befor the bad car crash i was about to be taken by my father and they where about to both divorce eachother
Tw:||drugs mentioned||
Bc of the ||drugs she was on she talked about all kinda of none since really a lot of things made no since what she did or said it was all weird my dad got fed up with it when he found out where all his money was being spent and he snapped and yelled at her for the first time i had ever ever ever heard my dad ever yell at her and the only time he ever yelled at her was thst day when he told her if she didnt get her shot straight he was gonna work make the rest of the money he needed move out buy a new house and leave and divorce my mom and he would take me and my siblings with him no matter what she said bc he didnt want us to constantly be around her on drugs he didnt want to raise us like how he was raised he didnt want us to have a fucked up mother on drugs that was abusive minipulativr and all typs of shit bringing ppl to are house leaving us he was fed up with it when he found out what she was doing behind his back and||
My mom then started yelling and sobbing and looked at me and grabbed me pulling me into the kitchen and yelled at me to pick a side who i would stay with thoufh my dad eas gonna keep me and my siblings anyways i hesrd about it all its the only reason i can talk sbout this is bc i heard there argument and how they where both going to divorce my mom yelled and screamed at me to choose who and when i said i wanted them together i didnt want them to be apart she snapped at me and told me to shut the fuck up and i had to push my siblings into are rooms and i locked are door as she yelled screamed and sobbed to my dad
Befor snapping again taking her things and left out the door
This was befor my dads stroke and befor she broke up with the guy she eas seeing
Ya this was befor the crash
Tw:||drugs mentioned||
||It was all actually going to turn out that me and my siblings would have been raised by my dad himself though it was probably gonns turn out we where babysited most of the time while he worked and we only got to see my mom here and there thats how it was probably going to turn out bc my mom wasn't going to get off the dugs she was on she refused to and refused to admit anuthing she did eas wrong it was always me and my siblings fault i was mostly blamed bc i was the oldest but ny siblings where blamed to though i wss the one home most of the time while my ssiter snd brother where sent to my grandpsrents and or at an uncles house ny brother stayed at oke of my uncles houses and my sister stayed with my grandparents 99 of the time my brother wasnt always at one of my uncles houses so he was 50 50 dealing with it to and i stayed at my grandparents house somtimes to but a lot of times i was home alone with my mom||
Some days where fine some days where not some days where horrible i always prepared myself for whennmy mom woild get mad and i learned to sneak around or how to try to please her to keep her happy
Or tried
I know onw thing though the thing where you grab a belt and you hold the end togather and you snap the belt by pushing in and yankijg back and it makes a pop sound ISTG that shit makes me jump pure out of my skin still does 😭
Do not swing a belt at me i dont panick or anything but i dont like that shit hate it it makes me angry really fast idky why exactly it makes me mad enstead of panicked but it does somtimes not i can play around as long as i know somones playing
But just out of random nahhhhh noooo
.. i remember somthing when i was a kid
I felt like
This is how i discribed it ehen iw as younger i remember talking to nyself about it
I felt like i was holding to broken walls togather like the wall was the family i felt like i was inbeetween both walls holding then and being stretched apart and i felt like my grip was going to slip i felt as if everuthinf was gonna crumble if i made a single mistake that my family would fall out of my hands
That it would all fall apart if i make even a single mistake
I felr like i coulsnt make any mistakes
And i started trying to stop aruments befor thwy happend
My ssiter and brother i tried stopping a lot of there arugments and mostly did when in the end i was the one being yelled at for getting in the middle of things by my mom but she would only yell at me i counted thst as i win as long as she didnt stsrt yelling at everyone i felt like i did somthing to stop somthing huger i just had to make it to where she would take things out on me instead at the point i felt like i was trying to hold things togather though i dont even think i was doing anything
I tried to clean out of the random with no one knowing leaving letters saying i did it bc somtimes my siblings would take the credit 😅
My little sister was very spoiled by my grandpparents she actually thought she could do anything everything and that everytbing wss hers or she could have anything
I had to run back and forth doing things for my little sister bc if not will i got yelled at by my mom to just do it bc she didnt wanna deal with my sister
Screaming and crying
So i had to clean a shared room by myself all the time clean up her trash hand her snacks let her do what she wanted brake my toys
And when ever i ddint do snything she wanted ny little sister would go to my room grsb my things rip my art work scribble in my manga mess the room up and tear apart my toys
She would destroy the bathroom and stsrt drswing on walls blaming it on me
And i was yelled at
I fought back and was yelled at for making her cry
My dad telling me that i should be the bigger one and not do the same thing she did bc im the oldest and i should set a good example by being calm threw it all and not getting angry
But no matter how much a tried so hard it never worked she just got worse and worse i sat there doing what she wanted did as she asked let her fucking physically cause me to bleed lit her hit on me scratch bite and pinch me i let her push me trip me and boss me the fuck around i tried to be nice i tried to not get mad i tried to stay calm but i felt like iw as looseing it
Tw||suicide talk||
||When i wouldnt do somthing she wanted or she wouldnt get what she wanted on my own birthday she would come over started pinching me or biteing me saying i should go kill myself and i shouldnt have been born||
If i didnt give her my own belongings bc she liked them she would scream and cry so loud my mom yelled at me to give it to her
Wow actually the more i think sbout it she only 5 or 6 years ago started to change
Maybe less then that
But ya
Ya thinknit was less then 5 6 years ago prob 5 or 4
Ya
My brother wasn't spoiled and tbh he locked himself in his room most of the time though both my sister and brother at the same time toulx me to go off myself in sre bedroom ones when we all used ti share one
At some poijt threw all of that i started trying to run away
I tried to run away 5 times but wss caught or got to scared and ran back
Was caught by my teacher once cps 2 times and got scared the rest of the times
I forgot to mention some time threw all of this i cant remember if it was befor my mom sobered up or after but i was taken by cps
Forced to stay at my grandparents house for a year or 2
Some things happend around then i might talk about if i fell like i can tomorrow
My parents got me back but ya that was a pretty rough time to
MY UNCLE HORRIBLE BABYSITTER and MY AUNT they both horrible baby sitters
After i was taken back by ny parents my mom would drop me and my siblings off at my aunts ot have my uncle come down and baby sit us while at my aunts she did not know how to cook we ate mac n cheese that was about it hi not complaining she feed us but she always brung home her abusive boyfriend and had to witness them 2 aruging somtimes
And my uncle would just not wanna deal with us lock me and my siblings in one room in a small small room and wouldnt let us out for food water or the bathroom no matter how much a screamed and cried he turned the tv up and blasted it as he got drunk in the living room
My mom had did thst a few times to locking me and ny siblings in are room bc she didnt want to deal with us a few times
But my uncle wouldn't even feed us or let us out at all my mom luckily did my mom didnt drink when she did that either though
Luckily my parenrs whete back st least by the next day if they ever left us with my uncle
Though my uncle was an alcoholic still he is tell this day and he did that ignored me and everything else
Kid me decided to have an attachment to him idk why but i did
Toxic attachment isssues probably but i guess its bc when he wasnt drunk he would tease me and joke around all the time
He pissed my dad off a few times and watched my dad shove him into the ground once
Or twice
Bc my uncle was drunk and kept trying ti make them drunk to
My dad didnt like getting drunk
Though he does like drinking he besrly does and he dont like getting drunk
He doesnt like how he acts when hes drunk
Black out drunk anyways
Bahhhh yaaaa i had another uncle my mom would drop me off at but never actually stayed at his house befor my brother did but i didn't bc i was a girl
She said
I didnt like my cousin there he was akways calling me inappropriate names and was way to pushy and the name callings omfg he would call us names and make fun of us over the smallest things
Agh wait im tryinf to remember if i stayed there or not maybe ones for some reason i remember sleeping on the floor somwhere maybe it wasnt there IT WAS SOMWHERE cant remember where though
I do remember staying at my uncles used to be girlfriends house a good amount of times the drunk uncles ex girlfriends house ex girlfriend now but ya she had like 4 5 kids i babysat
While i was there
I did enjoy my time there only bc of the kids
They where cute and where attached to me always wanted me to spin them around
Play games and pick them up i carried this one around a lot bc she loved being carried around
They also had these few dogs a fat FAT dog that loved me hehe
I slept on the floor there on a blanket id stay there for a week at a time or a few days
The dogs would sleep on me i snuggled to the dogs tbh id say that was times i did have a good time
I'd watch Naruto with the little duds
Help prepare food plates and keep the little duds good and in the HOUSE bc they judt loved to randomly vanish panicked like a mf ones ran outside girl was near the chicken pen
Tw:||drugs mentioned||
||Though later on the women that was my uncles girlfriend turned out to be a cheater betrayed us behind are back and she got on drugs to eventually stopped going down there as she stsrted bringing this other guy over who gave me the creeps||
Stopped seeing the little duds after that sadly that was the only part i enjoyed about being down there was taking care of them i eas away from all the yelling and arugments i had peace down there though i had to keep the kids good in the house fine and not crying or throwing a tantrum somtimes ill be honest takijg care of them felt more peaceful then being at home
Though my dad mever raises his voice arugments at home where common though im lieing he had raised his voice a lot to stop me and my siblings from aruging but that was it just me and my siblings he ever raised his voice at
Ans when i was at my grandparents arugments beetween my grandparents where pretty common as well as well as when i was at my other uncles house not drunk one he would always aruge with his wife
Though i dojt think i ever stayed at his house ill just call him uncle 2 uncle 1 is drunk uncle i guess
In all uncle 1 uncle 2 and uncle 3 he is well off guy not bad though i here recently heard his wife is manipulating his kids into thinking he is the bad guy and hits her sadly the pour man doesnt get a brake uncle 4 well he
Tw:||suicide mentioned||
||committed suicide 2 years ago went to the funeral October 15th he became an alcoholic got in some things his girlfriend cheated on him and it sent him over the edge though they said there was video footage of what happend... and the police say that there where 3 ppl in the house like ppl where aging him on to it and made him do it...|| my mom burst down and sfter thst last year we went to one of my biological grandpas funeral my mom.had 2 dads one biological one not though the one thats not biological is the one i know know he lives with my grandma and are the 2 i call my grandparents they both raised me for a few years as who ever reads this have probably read threw
He died from cancer we where supposed to get hos will but his ex wife he divorced 20 30 years ago somehow tricked him whole he was all dazed and not there to let her sighn it and she got all his things after tricking him while he wasnt all there
So we where left with nothing but 3 bells
It seems like almost everyone i came to know or know all betray us some way or another not everyone but...
A lot....
Not even my used to be friends where good except 2 but havnt seen them since i was little
When i used to go to school yesrs back in the middle of all the stuff going on when i was forced to stay at my grandparents bc of cps
They took me out of school for reasons
Teacher body shamed me stsrved and over exercised me and where i live they where allowed to hit us with a wooden paddle i had good grades and i never really actually did much wrong but ny teacher hated my guts bc apparently she coulsnt teach poor kids who wear walmart clothes
She was somw rich spoiled women i guess
She would take my drinks wouldnt ket me do anything would make me set outside the class room when everyone else was able to play but i wassnr allowed to she would make me stay behind and do things for her and she always sent me to the principals office for no reason always said i was acting out but i wasnt and after a few times of her doing that id get hit with a wooden paddle for punishment
She would take my lunch and eat it herself and my drinks
She body shamed me so much that i actually started to stop eating i refused to eat breakfast lunch and bearly ate dinner
My best friend at the time leaterly attacked me slaming me to the ground and slamed my face into the ground the teachwr let hik did nothing me and him rolled around fighting on the ground until i finnaly pushed him off and ran off from him
My nose was bleeding and i was all bruised and shit my teacher told me to suck it up so i went to the nurses office myself to check myself if i had to had a few littke cuts from the rocks nothing to bad the most thst hurt was how betrayed i felt that my own best friend attacked me like full speed out of no where tackled me to the ground from behind and started hitting me pulling my hair and shit i wasnt bruised until the next day bc i dont heal that fast
Though i wasnt even in school long bullys are somthing a lot of ppl deal with in school
Though i was bullied i wasnt botherd by the bullies what botherd me the most was
All mfriends except 2 had turned against me first friend i nicknamed her key key i still remember her name but for her privacy ill keep that to myself
First friend i had made on the buss she called me over we chatted got alone we where good friends until a new kid came around she pushed me to the side said she never wanted to be my friend and said she faked the whole thing so she could get popular for being nice to the new kid and only stayed around bc she felt pity
So i was used the entire time so she could be seen as a nice girl who was nice to the new kid and somone ppl liked to be around
The girl who showed the new kid around and helped her out she was known as her she ended up lieing and said i was the reason she stopped beikg friends with me
After that becane friends with this guy ginger hair the guy thst attacked me and acted coldly towered me after
Ans later on down the road i was being pushed away from everyone no one wanted to be around me bc i was boring and annoying
Only 2 guys stayed with me that entire time a kid who i realize noe that im older had a huge crush on me and another guy who was honestly a sweet guy though never seen them again after i was taken out of school when my teacher called me names in front of my mom and my mom got into a fight with them and i was taken out of school went to school ones more after that for a few months taken right back out after
I will say one thing though i have had some teachers who where sweet though i once cried so hard when i was getting put in another school
I was back and forth in schools befor the jerk of a teacher who was my last teacher
I wasnt actually able to keep my friends as i was pushed back and forth from 3 or 4 defrent kinds of schools bc that was around when cps wws around i was bouncing back and forth my grandparents and my parents so wasnt actually able to keep friends for a long time but had made some way back
Cps tried to take me and my siblings away but y grandparents grabed me and my siblings took us in for a while until my parenrs where allowed to take us back again it was all weird
And wacked we had them come arouns 2 or 3 times
Im not the smartest when it comes to ppl ive been trying to teach myself and somtimes thst doesn't work there are some things i cant understand though after i get it i unferstand pretty fast when i used to go to school i was actually a pretty good student the only thing that screwed me over was my spelling bc i was dyslexic and i kept reading backwards to so i kepts writing letters backwards
That took years to get better
That was the only thing that screwed me over other then that i did good
I FAILED A GRADE BC I BROKE MY ARM
LIKE BRO
I BROKE MY ARM GIVE ME A BRAKE PLEASEEE
I used to be left handed i used to do EVERYTHING left handed i was born a leftyyyy
Until my arm snapped bc i fail on it wrong
I broke my radius bone and my ulna bone at the same time if i spelt that right
Stupid way to i slipped off the monkey bars
Tried to catch myself hands flew to the side ans i fliped over arm landed wrong andnny body weight snapped it
Them
Took me 10 minutes leaterly to fell the pain
I was shocked so yeaa
Felt the pain and broken bones hurt
A lot
Trust me i broke 2 bones at the same time it really hurts 😭
I was told to shut up bc i was crying to loudly like i just broke 2 bones IM SORRY IT HURTS SO MUCH
But she felt horrible telling mento shut up shes been apologizing to me a lot here recently
My mom
A lot here recently shes been apologizing
That i grew up way to fast
Tbh
Here is a funny story to end the day off on
Ones when i was fishing this drunk women came up to me and started talking to me after that she asked oh how old are you and at the time i was like 15 years old when i told here that she gapsed and said I THOUGHT YOU WHERE 35 and looked Young i looked at her like wait what what am i supposed to be offended im confused wtf i looked at my dad and even he eas caught off guard next thing i knew the women had stumbled over and fail into the deep end of the water one minute i saw her next she vanished but she swam back up and she was fine
Luckily she was fine but the women she was drunk drunk her husband came over and dragged her back to the truck i was actually left there so confused
I was in the water with my pj on NOW DONT THINK ANYTHING OF THAT I HAD JUST WOKEN UP WITH NY DAD WAS LEAVINF TO FISH AND I HITCHED A RIDE LAST SECONED
OKAYY
I DONT DO THAT ON A NORMAL BASIS THANK YOU LMFAO
But that women really caught me off gaurd i was so confused my dad was confused and we both sat in silence as we fished we didnt knoe what to say just sat there
And fished
Shocked
My dad was confused asf to when he finnaly spoke he said ya she was drunk
That day i think i also almost hooked myself in the face on accident but doged the hook when it came flying at my face luckiky
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Stell in a good mood but my mom got pissed just as few moments ago bro
She came stomping to my room and yelled at me to take the dang dog bc she cant sleep so i did T^T
The dogs to cute to refuse anywyas
NOOOOO THE DOG ATE MY SNACKKKKK
UAABAOAHWBA
I WAS SOOO WANTING THAT SNACK
I know its the rule to trigger warning anyways but stillll
Tysm moderator for unlocking my journal 😭 i swear im stupid somtimes i accidently locked it lmfao
Im doing realy good today so far hope it stays that way
3:23 pm currently
Now
So i wanna say that my littlee sister me and her have grown really cloee now shes not as spoiled as she used to be
Tw:||suicide mentions|| ||She dont go around telling me to go kill myself anymore my brother doesn't either my mom hasnt yelled she wished she never had kids in years and she hasnt left for a while though here recently shes been pickinf back up on saying if she left we would be screwed again here recently she started doing that again not as bad as it used to be though and i generally had grate times in the past to somtimes there was a lot of hard times but we had good times to||
Im not gonna write much today dont wanna put myself in a bad mood i may vent about things more tomorrow depending on my mood or later today but right now dont wanna think about that stuff
At the moment im enjoying my day
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Im just gonna write in here when ever a memory pops up
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Today was fine talked with my friend for hours and stayed in my house all day today ate dinner and had breakfast studying at the moment though its late and tried to draw a bit more
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Im trying really hard to stay clean for as long as i can for my friend
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Im doing good today went on a walk it actually cleared my mind for a bit though me and my ssiter had to talk about a few things in the past to get things straight
Only things she actually went threw to kept to myself about things i went threw myself
Me and her are borh afraid things are gonna go to shit after ny grandma passes there was a time that my grandma almost passed away a few years ago bc she wouldnt listen to anyone and she went to the hospital will my mom eent nuts and for weeks after that she lashed out yekled and screamed very easily now im afraid what will actually happen when my grandma does actually pass