#Erika's Journal

26 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

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I'll make journal posts about my life here, whether these are related to my mental health or random stuff that's going on. wink_penyoo

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I managed to find a simple CBT app to log any negative thoughts I have. Even though I've tried CBT before, I still like the idea of reframing bad thoughts into positive ones to help me think more positively. And I think it's somewhat helpful... maybe.

I don't know. My mind feels resistant to a lot of mental health tools. I'm not even sure if this feels effective, but eh. It's worth a try... again. I mean, even after writing the positive thoughts, I still have negative thoughts.

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Feeling very meh right now. I am also hungry for dinner, but I don't know what sounds good to eat. e_sad

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TW: mentions of violence

I feel alone.
I feel desperate.
I feel lost.
I feel tired.
I feel angry.

I especially feel myself having intrusive thoughts. Those thoughts include me wishing I can ||kill|| my mom for the horrible things she has done to me. But I know that's taking things to a whole level and that's wrong. I don't need to do that to her... or to anyone.

I just have irrational, intrusive thoughts like that, though I don't actually do anything related to those thoughts.

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I hate that my mom likes to b||itch|| about the smallest things. It's like this almost every day.

Tonight, she was asking if she could call Verizon using my phone so she could set up her new iPhone. Well, I never heard her say anything about needing my phone, but she walked out of her room and was angry that "she can't call Verizon with her phone," and that she "needed mine." I wasn't mad when she said this, but what got me p||issed|| off was when she said, "Do you listen to anything I say?"

I asked her, "What?" I was just playing dumb when I asked this. I know she was purposely asking that to get a reaction out of me; she's done that too many times, that I'm able to tell when she says stuff to make me feel bad.

She replied, "You did not hear me ask for your phone like a minute ago?"

I told her, "You did not say anything about needing my phone. I may have a hearing problem, but I'm not deaf." Literally, I did not hear her at all - didn't call/yell for me, come out from her bedroom to the same room I was in to ask me for my phone, nothing.

"I don't need to hear excuses," she said.

Uh... what, you crazy b||itch||? What "excuses" do you think I'm making? Like... I was just making a remark about my hearing issues; there were no "excuses" in that comment.

And, honestly, I thought I was the only one in this house going mentally insane.

  • My journal entry from this new mental health/self-improvement app I found
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It's all my fault.

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I hate being depressed.

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I am very close to moving out. Finally visiting a group home that I may move into.

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I'm visiting the group home and staying overnight. I'm kind of nervous but also excited to be here.

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Been using this specific mood/energy tracker for a while now. I really like that it's exactly what it sounds like - specific, complex, less simple, whatever you wanna call it. Like... it's not like your standard mood tracker app.

I think it's good for anyone with a mood disorder/other disorders with mood and energy changes. Or if you're neurodivergent, this app can be good for recording and recognizing episodes of overstimulation. I'm also using it for that purpose.

I'm just glad I finally found an app where I can keep a specific record of my moods and energy levels. I feel better knowing that an app like this exists out there.

I know this is probably stupid to write about, but I just feel happy to have it. I feel like it's been making me more aware of my mental and physical health.

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Kind of a random entry, but my right ear is clogging up for some reason, and I've tried yawning, chewing, etc, to try to "pop" it. It's really annoying me right now. nyaangry

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I feel really good knowing that I finally figured out my gender identity. I thought I was fluid at first, but I'm actually bigender.

Now I feel less confused. I'm happy that I now know my true identity. :D

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My group home process is now delayed because my insurance doesn't cover group homes, so I'm trying to get that sorted out.

I'm so stressed and overwhelmed.

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I had a job interview today at a clothing store. Despite having 4 hours of sleep, no breakfast or lunch to help me feel energized, and last-minute interview prepping, I feel that I nailed my interview... surprisingly. I thought that it wouldn't turn out well because of possibly not feeling focused enough from my lack of sleep and that stuff.

But I feel pretty tired. I'm just lying in bed, but not napping, because I feel physically and mentally tired.

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I still haven't heard back from the job I interviewed for. I might call back tomorrow since they haven't called me yet.

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I feel like something is wrong with me. I'm having some random anxiety/panic attack that I know has no cause. I very rarely ever get these, which is why I feel like something is wrong with me. I only ever experience anxiety in overwhelming situations, like when I'm putting up with my abusive mom, socializing with people, or in a crowded place where I get overstimulated. Sometimes, I get anxiety over small things. But I very rarely have episodes that happen for no reason.

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I hate struggling to find a job.

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My job orientation is tomorrow, and I feel super nervous but excited. I hope things go well when I attend.

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Why do I always feel so tired? I just feel like I wanna sleep all day, every day.

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TW: health stuff

I am using an app to track all of the symptoms (mental and physical) that I deal with. I won't share my list of symptoms because it's so long, but I will at least share what I'm diagnosed with and what I suspect I have. I feel that my health ||is so out of control|| that I need some kind of tracker to help me record when my symptoms affect me and how often I experience them.

In this screenshot: I'm diagnosed with ||APD, ASD, OAS, and scoliosis.|| The others I think I have, but I can't say for sure that I do. I'm listing them anyways just in case I get diagnosed with any of them sometime.

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I just feel that an app may be good for me. I really need some kind of tracking app to help me track when my symptoms occur, how severe they are, etc.

(For anyone wondering, this app is called Journal My Health.)

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TW: abuse ||I feel afraid to admit that I'm glad my abusive dad passed from cancer in 2015. I know that sounds cold-hearted to say. I normally feel sorry for other people, but I never felt sorry for him. If anything, I'm glad that karma got to him after how he treated me, my mom, and my sister.||

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As my mom says, I'm nothing but a selfish, manipulative, piece of sh||it||.

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Time to ||starve myself.|| At least I know how I plan on ||dying.|| CS_Yayy

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I'm currently planning out what I will do for my birthday. I already planned to do a "blind shopping" kind of thing where I know what I'll buy, but I'll surprise myself with what items I'll exactly get. I don't know what else I may do, but I'm getting that sorted out.