Takizuzufu's Journal | Huddle | Page 1

shut cloud Jan 6, 2024, 4:09 AM

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Just a place for me to post on really anything

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Just wanted to say I was pretty terrible to someone when I felt hirt and I feel really bad about it. I don't want to get more specific so I hope that's ok. I wish I could apologize to them for my actions. Unfortunately, what I did isn't an unusual response for me. I have talked to my therapist about it and I know why I do it I just can't get it under control. I can get hijacked by emotions and act out and do things I later end up regretting. I hope the person I wronged learns about my apology. I don't need to be forgiven or expect things to go back to the way they were before, I am just holding myself accountable for a wrong I have committed towards someone.

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On another note, I had a video interview yesterday. Found out it was just a first round interview. Worried I completely blew it and won't make it to the second round. I tried to prepare but somehow I don't think I prepared enough. Too bad that seems to be my MO for anything important: instead of preparing fully, half ass it and play video games instead 😵‍💫

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💌 How can I make tomorrow even better?

Do something that helps me with my negative feelings, no matter how small it ends up being. I say I want to change but then don't do anything to change so any day I actually try will be a good day in at least one way 🙂

shut cloud Jan 6, 2024, 3:57 PM

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Totally did not notice that the journal prompt was from October. I liked the idea so I didn't even think to check to see if it was still active. Oops. Oh well. It didn't hurt me or anybody so whatever.

shut cloud Jan 7, 2024, 8:25 AM

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I do intend to journal more often but with no job, the spring semester of school not started yet and no big holidays in the near future, my mood is pretty stable. I know my mood will tank at some point, maybe because i am a female, maybe because of stress or anxiety or depression, maybe a combination of reasons . Also when I first joined this server, 16 people reached out to me but now only 2 are still really talking to me. There was a third but as mentioned above i felt hurt and rejected by them at one point and in a fit sadness I pushed them away and pretty much made sure they would never talk to me again. I am still figuratively whacking my head against a wall repeatedly while calling myself stupid about that incident. I mean it did only happen a couple of days ago but still, I don't think I should still be dwelling on the mistakes I made. Anyway, with very few people to talk to, I might start feeling lonely again. Fingers crossed I can stand up against my social anxieties and make more in person connections this year.

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Tomorrow I have a video therapy session. I usually feel better afterwards.

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Well goodnight or good morning or good afternoon to anybody who ends up reading this. Its time for me to head to bed.

shut cloud Jan 7, 2024, 6:09 PM

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So i just finished my video therapy session and I feel the need to talk about it. I don't feel bad or anything. I mean I also can't say I feel great, but I did learn things. So again, I don't want to mention specifics but my therapist thinks that I need to never talk to the person from this server I wronged again. I acted really badly and even though I am sorry, I really messed up and the person will probably never fully feel safe talking to me or trust me again. I will say nothing bad or illegal or anything in a similar vein happened, I just responded in a mean and pretty shameful way to a specific interaction between two people. I am a human and I do make mistakes, but that doesn't mean I can just go "Oh oops, my bad, lets pretend that never happened" and expect things to go back to the way they were before.

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I would like to say more, but I feel like that would be revealing too much about the situation and even though I haven't mentioned the other persons username, saying it might harm me socially and I really am not a bad person but people may decide they don't want to bother to get to know me more and instead just judge me on this one situation. But I can say, it was not entirely my fault. I did make the most mistakes and the way things turned out is on me, but it wasn't like the person was completely innocent.

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I will also say that things happened because I am in a vulnerable place socially and dropped my standards to do what I thought I needed to do to be accepted by another person. This isn't the first time I have ignored my standards just to feel accepted but that situation eventually just ended on its own. I forced things in this situation but its also been almost 20 years since the last situation and I have had more life experiences so I was vulnerable in different ways and reacted much more strongly due to new hurts that I am still dealing with.

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This was a learning experience. And I am sorry for how things played out and I am ashamed for my actions, but that shame should hopefully help me to not repeat the same mistakes in the future. I'm not a terrible person. I am not more screwed up or messed up than anybody else. I am just human and just doing my best to get through life while dealing with certain problems and conditions.

shut cloud Jan 8, 2024, 6:39 PM

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Not doing too well today, both mentally and physically. I didn't sleep well and there was no real reason why. It might be related to how I am not physically feeling well. All I will say about it is its not any upper respiratory things and not related to female problems. I would rather not get more detailed in something a bunch of strangers can see.

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Also, before joining this server, I hadn't had any friends or even socialized much with people outside of my family after my ex and I broke up. We dated 10 years and even though most of thoses years might have been more of a trauma bond and co-dependence on each other, I still loved him and was devastated when we broke up. I don't really feel like typing up my whole social history right now, but I will say that I didn't like making friends because I would make a few really close ones that would disappear from my life after a few years and when I could, I tried to maintain contact with them, but I was the only one so I eventually gave up. Because of that, my ex had also been my best friend. After 2 years, I finally reached out to somebody and they were nice and I immediately fell back into old habits and was really needy and clingy and a bit bipolar emotionally when this person couldn't meet my needs. I finally decided to need more casual friends and connections so I wasn't so dependent on one person. They were really patient with me throughout everything. And I thought things were ok, but a recent interaction with them hurt my feelings and has made me question our relationship. Were they really as chill about everything like they said they were? Can they not trust me because my past clingy/needy obsession with them? Will they always assume anything I say is related to something they did even when I didn't have them in mind at all?

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So I just am in a place where I feel like I am meant to be alone and with cats as my only friends because I'm too screwed up of a person to have relationships with other people.

shut cloud Jan 9, 2024, 5:05 PM

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I've lost the motivation to journal and for socializing. Maybe i will be back soon, but I don't know

shut cloud Jan 10, 2024, 6:31 PM

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This isn't me taking back my above statement, I just wanted to add the update that I did not get a second interview. I don't feel like double checking to make sure I mentioned I had a video interview so if I hadn't already mentioned it, oops

shut cloud Jan 10, 2024, 7:59 PM

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Hey to add to life just being crap, my female weight training class was cancelled for the semester. I was looking forward to having a better motivation to exercise and the chance to make some female friend. Screw you life!

shut cloud Jan 11, 2024, 1:47 AM

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Hey another "this doesn't mean I am back to journaling" journal entry but another annoyance just happened. Everybody in my family was too tired to cook, so we ordered Pizza for delivery. 2 pizzas. ~~Only one was delivered. I called the store (since I placed the order but holy hell is my heart pounding and my anxiety still way high) and a new pizza is on its way. So nice that we still get the pizza we paid for but goddamn frustrating that we(read: my twin) have to wait because somewhere along the line somebody messed up and we didn't get the plain cheese pizza we ordered.~~So turns out we probably got the wrong order. I ordered a large supreme pizza with stuffed crust (Yea I know that makes pizza even unhealthier but after a disappointing day, I don't see why I can't enjoy some extra cheesy goodness) and a medium cheese pizza. Nobody but me knew it was supposed to be stuffed crust, they just knew it was supreme so they didn't notice anything was wrong . I should have noticed, but was too focused on the missing pizza I didn't even think to double check to make sure the pizza we did get was right. It looked like a Supreme pizza so I just assumed it was right. That also explains why the "large pizza" looked kinda small. We ate the pizza so I am not going to call and complain about the messed up order since I already called and said it was just a missing pizza, but I am going to give them a bad rating on the order. So thanks life. Give me a crappy day and then make me feel like a shitty person for being upset by little "first world problems" that I am lucky to have .🤬 🖕🏻

shut cloud Jan 11, 2024, 2:32 AM

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Well good news, when the remade pizza finally showed up, we got both the original pizza we were supposed to get and the 2nd pizza made to replace the first. Hopefully they don't go back and try to charge us for an extra pizza since it was their fuck up, not ours.

shut cloud Jan 13, 2024, 12:02 AM

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I can at least say I am feeling better enough to probably do more journaling, but I am definitely not as excited or motivated as I was before.

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Just wanted to stop by to say that I was talking to some people today and the conversations brought up some negative thoughts. I don't feel bad or sad or anything, probably because I'm used to these negative thoughts. But yea I feel like I'm always the problem in situations and that it would be better if I didn't exist. No matter what, I'm a screw up and can't do anything right and I'm an idiot for trying to fight it and i should just give up. I think this might be considered passive suicidal ideation but I'm not versed in psychology so I can't say for sure.

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I actually spent alot of my preteen and teen years expecting to die. No real reason besides believing that since nothing really bad has happened to my family, we are overdue for an accident or the belief i had no talents or skills, therefore I wasn't meant to become an adult.

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I did outgrow those beliefs for the most part, but they are still there in the back of my mind whispering that every day I go without something bad happening, the worse the bad thing that will happen will be or that I have no skills or talents and will always fail everything I try so its better for me to not exist.

shut cloud Jan 15, 2024, 4:27 AM

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Still nothing really going on with me so hasn't been anything for me to journal. Kind knew from the start this journal was probably going to suck. Oh well, classes start this week. Lets see how long I can get before I have an emotional breakdown and wonder why I ever thought I was actually smart enough to be an engineer. I say maybe about a month in.

shut cloud Jan 15, 2024, 11:44 PM

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I really want to take a fucking nap but I really need to complain so I will explain things more later. My mom must not understand the very basics of thermodynamics. Yes I have a space heater in my room but no matter how high it is, when you leave the nearby door open to the outside (especially like now when Temps are below freezing), the heater isn't going to jack shit to keep things warm.🥶😡🤬 Could I close my bedroom door? Yes buy I also have 2 very clingy kitties who like to come and go and get really really upset when they can't reach their mom (aka me).

shut cloud Jan 16, 2024, 3:46 AM

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As I said above, I going to provide more background on things. It might end up being alot of information since I have trouble communicating things concisely. But I don't think many people are actually reading my entries so I kind of don't care if things get really long.

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So obviously I have mentioned (at least I am pretty sure I have in the journal) that I am jobless and living at home with my parents. Well our house is like 100 years old and was actually apparently a cheap crap house even back then. Anyways, the basement, where my room is, is not like a full floor. (I'm 5'2 and I can touch the ceiling). I don't know what my room would have been used for, maybe it was the pantry. What we use as the pantry is where the boiler is and actually has an old coal shoot door for back when coal was delivered to houses to for heating. The room was remodeled into a bedroom for my older sister. Well the bedroom gets really cold. Its also small and the closet it pretty crappy. I shared a room with my twin and then went to college and evenutally moved off campus and spent most of the year at the apartment. Once I graduated I moved home. My older sister had moved out at this point but lost her job and moved back in to her old room. By the time I moved home, she had a new job and a new place. I was given the room. At first I wasn't happy about it because I hate the room, but I have gotten used to it. Still hate it though. The room is small. Just enough room for a queen bed, a cat tree and a tv stand. I didn't choose the bed, my older sister did. Its an ikea bed with underbed storage. The first bed ended up breaking and I just went ahead and bought the exact same model because I just did not want to deal with looking at hundreds of bed frames to find the right bed frame for me(which I don't think exists. It would probably need to be custom built), and tge broken piece made sleeping on the bed hard. Anyways, I built the new bed frame and moved it a little further from one wall so I don't have to walk and stand with my feet sideways when on that side of the bed. Even so, changing the sheets is still a bitch. I also bought some furniture sliders to put under the bed to hopefully make it possible to slide the bed across the carpet.

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Bed is too heavy so the sliders have done nothing helpful. I think though they do allow the bed foundation to slowly inch away from the headboard/bookshelf (the 2 pieces are not attached to each other). This eventually creates a gap that things fall down and I can't get behind the bed to grab anything that falls. I also can't really push things out with a long stick thing because there is no room to maneuver the stick to get under the headboard.(the head board doesn't go down to the floor so there is like a little tunnel behind the bed). I also have 2 cats, one of which has a tendency to throw up. Not hairballs (usually), undigested food. She also is a pig (she was a feral cat I rescued) and eats alot. Anyway, I am used to her throwing up on my bed and as gross as it is, I have gotten to the point that if I clean it up quickly and it doesn't happen on the side I sleep on or near the head of the bed, I don't change my sheets. Most of the time though she does through up on a blanket so at least that can be washed.

shut cloud Jan 16, 2024, 4:24 AM

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Anyway, last night i just couldn't sleep. Didn't want to use a sleeping pill (its actually a sedative and is prescription) because I had gone to bed after midnight and no matter when I go to bed, I am always awake by 7 (thanks cats) and taking the pill so late causes me to feel so drowsy for the rest of the day if I don't get to sleep for 8 hours. I already need to nap almost everyday so I just struggle to stay awake on those days I have taken a sleeping pill late. So I was tired and knew I was going to need a nap. Somedays I can get away without one but most of the time I do nap and today I new a nap was going to be necessary, not optional. As I lay down to nap, my cat throws up on my bed, at the head of the bed. Well going to need to change the sheets. While changing the sheets, I thought I might as well take the mattress off the bed frame ( i can lift a corner of the frame by myself when there is no mattress) and move scoot the frame back against the headboard. This is still alot of work and being so tired and out of shape, it was very hard work. Like I actually had to sit down at one point because I started feeling light headed. It wasn't a simple just move the bed back. Even though the furniture sliders don't make it possible to slide the bed across the carpet, they at least do prevent it from sinking into the carpet so I was putting some that came out from under the bed back under it. I could have asked for help but I didnt because the room is too small already, I dont need another person trying to squeeze in, both my parents are in their 70s so I just rather not ask them to do very strenuous work even if it is something as simple as lifting a bed frame, my twin has no real muscle tone (I don't know if she is considered autistic or not. Originally she wasn't but her condition may have been moved to be included until the umbrella of austism) and has just always been weak so I didn't want to ask her, and the big one was I didn't think they would actually help

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Yesterday I made cookies because no body else could be bothered. And I am not talking about homemade cookies, I am talking about those premade, just place on a cookies sheet and bake, cookies. Like seriously, the easiest cookies to bake. If they couldn't be bothered to put cookies in the oven, why would they be bothered to do anything labor intensive.

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So by the time I am ready to lay down for a nap again, I am feeling worse than before because of all the damn bed moving and replacing the sheets (which itself as a task is pretty hard to do normally because of the small cramped room and cats that like to get in the way).

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But I couldn't nap because I was freezing. This was because my mom left the back door open for our dog. Its at the top of some stairs but since heat rises, when the door is opened, heat goes right out. The dog is a newer addition to our family. My older sister adopted it when she was living in her own apartment before moving back home. She didn't take the dog when she moved out again because the dog has an anxious attatchment to my mom and I doubt my older sister actually wanted to have to take care of a dog herself. My mom has always been super nice to our cats. At one point, we got new windows (except in the basement bedroom since those windows were newer than the rest of the windows) that had screens that could slide up a down so my mom started opening windows for the cats to get in and out. Then they got the dog and the dog can't fit out the windows so she started leaving the back door open. My older sister could close her bedroom door when my mom would leave the backdoor open during cold weather. I can't. I moved home with my two cats and they come and go throughout the day.

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They get really upset if they get locked away from me. That feral turned pet one I mentioned earlier? Yea well I think she has an anxious attatchment to me. She is like my shadow and follows me around the house and she just absolutely freaks out when she gets locked away from me. So I don't bother trying to close my door anymore so I don't have to deal with cats freaking out.

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So the basement is already cold and even though it does have a vent for the hot air, the room doesn't heat up very well so I have a space heater. My bed is kinda tall and the room a bit drafty (the windows don't have much insulation if any) so I don't find the space heater all that good at keep me warm. It keeps my room warm, but not me. But I have found ways to adapt. Still gets really cold when my mom leaves the door open. I actually have pulled out gloves to wear during the colder months because my hands get cold because of the cold air.

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Well where I live is dealing with an arctic blast right now. So even though cold and snow isn't unusual, freezing temperatures are. And by freezing, I mean negative Fahrenheit, not the stupid 32 that is the value where water freezes. So i finally lay down to nap when my mom decides to open the door for the dog. I am shivering under all my sheets. I even turn up my heater but nothing. So I did get up and close the door (the dog almost never stays out very long so the door usually just sits open when it really could be closed. The cats enjoy the door being open too, but still they don't need the door to stay open). I usually don't bother closing the door because most of the time, my mom comes and opens it back up anyways, but today I was not dealing with freezing in my own bedroom.

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I did lie down again but still was freezing. I turned the heater all the way up and did eventually fall asleep, but didn't get a long nap because i had napped so late in the day.

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Yea, long story. Sorry about that. But I just felt like I needed to include the background for things for anybody who ends up reading it so they don't start to question my actions. I don't like how things are right now but until I find a job, I am the one who is more willing to change my habits than my mom. So I just suffer quietly and most times, although annoying, things aren't terrible.

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I really don't feel like talking more about my cat situation since its a bit odd too. I will probably end up explaining things eventually, maybe even tomorrow, just not right now.

shut cloud Jan 17, 2024, 5:57 PM

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So for the second day in a row, I had to drive myself to scool. I don't like doing this because it involves driving downtown and finding a parking spot and paying (amount depends on if I am lucky enough to find a meter or unlucky enough to just have to park in a general spot in a lot). And since whenever I am relying (and waiting on) other people, I usually end up just getting to class a few minutes before it starts. I like to get there early so I can get a good seat (and not have a classroom of people stare at me as I walk in and head to a seat when I am unlucky enough to arrive late). So on my own and not running late myself (which in the end turned out I was actually running early), I left when i wanted to to get to campus. Made it pretty fast. Thought it was a bit weird how light traffic was. Get to school knowing that since I arrived in the middle of an hour, I was going to have a harder time finding an open spot.

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But I have been lucky. So I spent 10 minutes driving around a small parking lot because sometimes that's what you need to do to get a spot. I will add this lot is right in front of my building so of course I want to park in it. But life was not on my side today. A saw a few people parking in spots that had emptied after I passed them. Happens, still frustrating. So I eventually decided to park at the parking lot across the street. This is a middle of the city campus so there are busy streets around the campus. My building is already on the edge and across the street is mostly just parking so I have to cross a street. The first lot (bigger than the one in front of my building) was also full. So I wanted to go across the smaller side street to get to the other lot but had to wait because of so many people making left turns into the lot and so many pedestrians walking. I finally get across and just head to the parking garage. Managed to find a spot quickly. Wasn't looking forward to the cost but the pay machine wasn't on and nobody else seemed to care so I didn't worry about it. Since this is the first time in the 4 semesters I have been going to school here that I have had to park across the street when I had to drive myself, I wasn't dressed the best for walking in the cold.

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being fat I do get warm pretty quickly when moving, but not my hands so my hands were freezing. I am wearing snow boots that I don't wear often because stupid climate change due to global warming, we don't get snow as much as we used to. And somehow, no matter what shoes I wear when walking on campus, I always end up with at least my calves really hurting. Can't figure out why. I would say slight slope but no matter which direction, the problem exists. Maybe its because I am a fast walker when on campus for whatever reason. It's definitely not being unused to walking. I can walk a mile easily. One day I had an emotional breakdown and even ended up walking 4 miles. That I did end up feeling but I managed it.

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Anyway, I got to class about the time I like so in the end, everything turned out fine. Just annoying. Then when in the building and heading to class I realized I left 20 minutes before I needed to, so no wonder traffic was light and parking seemed especially bad even for cold weather. 🤦‍♀️

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I have a little more I want to complain about but I am actually in class right now and using my phone so I will complain later. The complaint is a bit related to why I had to drive myself but concerns my older sister who I just don't get along with for many reasons, but in this case, I'm not the only one annoyed with her so that's saying something

shut cloud Jan 17, 2024, 8:06 PM

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Sorry I have been doing alot of complaining but right now, I am not really having any big mental health issues or feeling super happy about things. Life is just meh and well I don't feel like I have anybody I can complain to. Sometimes I just want to complain. I know I may not be right or I didn't try something, but most of the time I don't care I just want to complain!

shut cloud Jan 17, 2024, 8:24 PM

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So anyway, my family is down a car. My older sister's car had its window broken like 2 months ago. Nobody filed a claim with insurance because she kept saying she would do it, but she kept putting it off. I don't know how long she put it off but then she got insurance all sorted out and delayed making an appointment to get the new window installed and by the time she did, they were booked a month out (I don't know if she has to use a specific place or what. I just know that her car doesn't go in until 02/05 or 05/02 for you international folks who read this). So my older sister is borrowing my moms car. Today I had to drive myself because my dad was still asleep when I needed to leave and my mom had a water aerobics class to go to. She ended up borrowing my dads truck (which everybody hates driving) so I could use my twins car. I have a car but I don't like driving it or anybody else driving it. Not because I hate my car, I actually love my car, its just so old (2005) and a discontinued model so I am afraid of anything happening to it because its getting to the point that its getting too expensive to maintain and if it were to be involved in a wreck, it would be too expensive to fix and I couldn't just go buy a new model. And even if my older sisters car was being used even though its missing a side window, its a stick shift and I can't drive that (I want to learn but we no longerr have the car that would have been good to learn on)

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I will not go into everything I dislike about my older sister since its alot but I will say she is really selfish and doesn't care about inconvenicing the rest of the family. My parents don't really help because they enable this behavior (and a lot of other negative behaviors 108/she displays). 5+////////////////////////////////+

shut cloud Jan 17, 2024, 8:42 PM

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I know I can edit the above message but I decided to just leave it. One of my cats walked on my keyboard before I got a chance to turn it off (I use a wireless keyboard).

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Due to not having much room in my room, my computer uses my tv as a monitor and I use a lap desk while sitting on my bed. The lap desk is at just the right height that she can knead my upper chest. I swear the photo isn't NSFW, its just the angle

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I shared the photo because the cat kneads with the tips of her claws out and this is what happens when she kneads my bare skin.

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Since kneading means the cat is happy, I try not to stop her from kneading but I will if it hurts

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Yes, it hurts when she does knead my chest, yes I do try to stop her, no she doesn't listen

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I will also say, this isn't a year round thing. I mean it can happen any time of the year, but my cat is more likely to knead me during the winter because its too cold to play outside so she gets bored and wants attention.

shut cloud Jan 18, 2024, 2:22 AM

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Just finished dinner. It was steak (which I love but hardly get to eat). I shared some with my cat (the one who kneads with her claws) and my parent's dog. I actually don't like giving animals table scraps. It encourages bad behavior. But my parents were feeding the dog and after moving in with my cats, my cat started to beg for food too. Probably thinking that if the dog can do it, she can too. My cats have become spoiled being around my mom.

shut cloud Jan 20, 2024, 6:13 PM

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Not much has been going on with me. No more depression or anxiety than usual. Not feeling lonely . No stress about school. So all in all I am fine. Not good or bad, just fine

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Some things did happen this week of some note. I finally was contacted to schedule that other video interview I had earned. Its not until February 9th so maybe I can get my ass in gear and prepare ahead of time, and not try to prepare in the 30 minutes before the interview. On Thursday, the elevators in the building my classes are in were out of order so I had to use the stairs. 3rd floor, high altitude city and a very out of shape person. Made me feel really crappy and hate myself for being so fat and out of shape. But I am thinking of maybe trying to climb at least one flight of stairs every day (both my in person classes are on the third floor . It would be some sort of exercise, which is better than none. I also found out my therapist is no longer going to be working with the company she has been. I am not sure what kind of company it is just that it deals with mental health and connecting people with therapists. So that caused a moment of small panic

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I had a therapy session today and found out the new company my therapist is going to work with (I was worried she may have decided to move to a different state or something) so I can check to see if they will except my insurance. (Damn America and your dumb instance on making every aspect of life for profit when possible). Even if they don't, I probably will still make appointments with her, just alot less frequently than I have been.

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Today we talked about relationships, both platonic and romantic. I appreciate the nice people I have met on discord, but as my therapist pointed out, many over internet relationships are very casual and short lived. This isn't bad but there are people like me who want more long term friendships. So hopefully I can form some friendships that are offline. I don't think its a guarantee that online relationships are only short term, I just have not had luck so far in my life made any friends online that stayed in contact with me. Some people are lucky, like my twin. She has a friend she made on quizilla years ago that she still talks with. If I can make long term friends, online or offline, I will be really happy, but it would be nice to have friends to do things with like hang out, go to the movies, go to bars, stuff like that.

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We also talked about my ex. For anybody who reads this and hasn't talked to me, my ex and I met in college and dated for 10 years. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first lover. He was also my best friend. Breaking up really hurt me and messed me up emotionally. I am doing much better than I was but there are still some problems I face (like thinking of the far future causes a panic attack) . My therapist mentioned how far I have come. I no longer feel like I will never love again. I have learned that I don't need to accept someone completely or that I don't have to put up with negative treatment. I am having trouble finding words to explain my thoughts so I want to say that my ex is not a bad person. He is actually really nice and chill. He never was abusive physically and any verbal abuse was done during fights when we were both being terrible. But he was just emotionally stunted and we just didn't see eye to eye on some things. I did love him and I assume he loved me, but that doesn't mean that our relationship was healthy. We may have alot of things in common, but still that doesn't guarantee the success of a relationship. When we broke up, he immediately wanted to be friends (in his defense, things the last couple of years between us weren't too good and he felt that I only liked him as a friend so the break ups wasn't hard on him) . I couldn't do that. Its been 2 years since we broke up. We have started talking again, things will never go back to the way they were before. I don't think he understands that. I don't even know how much of a friendship I want with him. I miss what we had, but thats gone now. I miss having a romantic partner and I do want a new boyfriend, but even if he were suddenly to realize that he misses me and that I was the one that got away, I wouldn't date him again.

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Its hard sometimes to not have him around but the things that caused friction between us didn't suddenly disappear when we broke up. Those things still exist so they can still cause problems between us. I also can't trust him. He rejected me. He hurt me deeply. Even now, sometimes he still causes me pain even if he doesn't mean to. He really didn't care when we broke up and thats not an exaggeration. He really didn't care. At one point I was standing in front of him crying and he didn't react at all. He wasn't cold or anything like that. He acted as if we were just having a casual conversation. He didn't even say sorry. I do miss having a boyfriend, but I don't know if I am ready to put my heart out like that again. I do want to get married but many times think it would be better to just die a lonely old shut in instead of trying to form any close relationships. And even when I decide I don't want to be alone, I don't believe anybody can ever love me.

shut cloud Jan 22, 2024, 2:37 AM

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Sorry but I am back to complain again. Probably makes my journal no fun to read. Oh well, I am a socially awkward person and thats why I could never be a lets player no matter how much I want to. Anyways, I thought I heard my dad call for dinner so I went upstairs but it wasn't ready. I had just woken up from a nap so I used the bathroom and then just sat at the dining table with my mom talking until dinner was ready. She mentioned some more things wrong with my twins car. Its a kia soul. I think most people can see the problem with that. Anyway, we talked about how social media is bad and I mentioned if I have kids, their not allowed to have smart phones until college like me (of course I don't have kids and aren't planning on having any anytime so so that may change). And she was wondering if I was sure that my first smart phone wasn't until college. I said yes, but I actually did have one earlier but I hardly count it. It was a Palm Pre. The smartest feature what that it had a touch screen. Didn't get an android until college. So then she asked how we(my sisters and I) managed to talk to a bunch of people from all over the world. I said "internet". And then she made a comment about not knowing better back then. And well that pissed me off.

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I met alot of nice people on Gaiaonline and Neopets. They weren't all creepers. One was. I admit that I made a mistake and at 13 and 14 I had an adult relationship with some guy. I want to stress it was over the internet and later via text. We did not ever meet in real life. But it did involve sexting and sending each other inappropriate pictures. I was in a really vulnerable place and I think it was an accident but when I recieved a text from saying "I love you" I was ecstatic. And even though I wasn't comfortable doing what we did, I did it anyway because I felt that if I didn't he would leave me and at that point I didn't have any friends and was feeling really distant from my family. I remember asking him his age twice. The first time he said 16 and then later 18 and no it was not after 2 years, it was within the same year so now I look back I wonder if he was even a teenager still. That relationship was a mistake. I know it was and I regret what happened. But it was just one relationship out of I want to say between 50 and 100, which may be highballing but I did interact with alot of really nice people and we added each other to friends lists . Many online relationships I had were not inappropriate. I don't think all online relationships are necessarily bad like my mom seems to think.

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Parents and kids just have to be careful because you don't know who you really are talking to. You don't always know what they tell you is true or what their motives might be. Even in this server, most people who reached out to me were guys and many of them seem to want more than just to talk. One conversation did get a bit more, adult, than I intended, but at the time it happened it felt great and we were both adults so it was just some harmless fun. But afterwards I felt gross and slutty and used and hurt. I actually thought this guy I had known for a few days was actually interested in a long term relationship. I made a mistake again but this was a lot smaller of a mistake and I am an adult this time. Most people who initially reached out don't talk to me anymore. For the most part its ok because I don't feel lonely, but it does hurt because I wanted to make friends. I am a person, not an object.

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At one point, my ex even said to me (this was recently so 2 years after we broke up) that when I stopped making him happy, he should have ended the relationship. It wasn't my job to make him happy. Yea, he struggles with saying things the right way, but that statement did feel like a "I did my best to explain how I felt" statement. He actually meant it. Sorry about the tangent there. But yea parents and kids need to be careful of who they talk to online just in case someone has bad intentions. Like lots of other things related to the internet, chatting with people is not inherently a bad thing. You just need to be careful and make sure you have a healthy balance between the internet and real life.

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So yea, just got a little pissed at my mom. Guess I am going to continue hiding the fact I have been trying to make friends with strangers over the internet. I may be an adult, but as long as I live with my parents and have to be supported by them, I am treated no differently then from when I was a teen. Oh well, it doesn't seem like this server is the place to make long term relationships, but only short term ones to get you through a rough patch in life.

shut cloud Jan 22, 2024, 6:05 PM

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I rode the elevator today instead of taking the stairs halfway but my dad drove me today and dropped me off at the wrong building. I could have corrected him but the traffic was just absolute chaos. And it wasn't like super far away or a completely random place. It tends to be the midway point between where my building is and the side of campus my twin is usually on so it's where we meet to be picked up. But this semester her classes and my classes don't overlap so we don't get picked up or dropped off at the same time so there is no need to go to this midway point. But oh well. I got exercise in and still made it to class on time.

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Just going to say real quickly because it's actually class right now, but my dad is starting to show the early signs of dementia so his memory isn't the best so that's why little mistakes like this can happen. Oh well.

shut cloud Jan 23, 2024, 1:16 AM

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I give up. Screw this server and screw trying to make friends

shut cloud Jan 24, 2024, 11:23 PM

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I'm so angry with myself right now! I am trying to do homework that is due tomorrow. And I know its easy shit. Its just basic circuit analysis. Only voltage, current, and resistance. No capacitors or inductors or MOSFETS or OP-Amps or any other complex circuit elements. No z domain, no phaser notation. Just straight up algebra and KCL. But I can't do it. I mean I can solve it, but I am uncertain if I did it right so I do it a different way and get a different answer

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So then I wonder if the first answer I got was the right one or the second answer was the right one, or if niether are right, then what is another way to solve things. It shouldn't be hard. This is easy. This is basic. This is something you would have learned in a physics class! So why can't I do it? When did thinking critically and solving equations become so hard?If I can't even do this homework, then why I am even still trying to get an engineering job? Is it my meds? Is it because I don't sleep well and am always tired? A combination of things?

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Most days I can find enough motivation to try but days like today, I just want to give up on everything because its not like I have any future. Im just a screw up. I can't do anything right. I'm the problem with my life. Why am I still here? Why do I keep trying ?

shut cloud Jan 25, 2024, 8:17 AM

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Just a quick update. The answers to my hw were on chegg (and yes I pay for access to help). It was easy. I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist or therapist but I think the issue is a combination of being out of practice, dealing with feelings that I'm an imposter and not a real engineer and not being able to focus.

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So I knew the hw was easy but I was doubting my work and confusing myself and then the feelings of not being smart started to bubble up and that then spiraled down into a rabbit hole of negative feelings.

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My parents actually helped though. It was accidental and a bit annoying but it boosted my confidence a little and that was enough to help me not give up .

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My dad was struggling to watch a Blu ray. It doesn't help that the TV and the Blu ray player are both Samsung. I think the sound bar might be Samsung too. and each has its own remote then the cable box has its own remote and there are some wii, switch and Xbox (like og xbox) accessories (including an Xbox remote) hanging around the TV.

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So I got it working then a little bit later had to go help again. Dumb Blu ray player. You can't hit the play button on the remote at the menu. You have to hit the ok button. so that led to confusion about remotes. blobfacepalm

shut cloud Jan 25, 2024, 8:18 PM

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Like I expected, quiz today in class. Not expected was it was a quiz done with a partner. I feel bad for my partner. It's such an bad situation with me. Like I know how to do the work, I just doubt that I am doing it right and 2nd guess myself. I also can't solve things quickly. I need more time to think. But I don't have a learning disability and I don't know if anxiety counts for extended time at my current college or if it's even worth trying to get accommodations

shut cloud Jan 25, 2024, 9:36 PM

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Hey guess what? I'm back to complain some more since that's all I ever do! Well that and talk about how terrible of a person I am.

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Anyways, my twin has a dog sitting job so she has her car. I have a cat sitting job but my job is just a drop in and check on the cat, not a dual house sitting/pet sitting thing like i usually have and what my twin has. Anyway, instead of driving me and hanging out with the cat with me, I drove myself to school using my car since my older sister still has my mom's car and nobody likes driving my dad's pick up truck (he doesn't even like driving it anymore but he refuses to get rid of it. It's helpful when moving but my parents are too old to really help move things so I am all for just paying movers for any moving needs we have from now on instead of risking hurting my parents. But my older sister being a clueless bitch thinks saving money is better than not risking our parents' health so she doesnt want my dad to get rid of the truck. Fucking bitch. Sorry. She moved earlier this year and did like absolutely nothing to help because she is so awful to try to work with. So she got to spend time with her bf while the rest of the family moved boxes of her crap and most furniture to her new place).

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on with the main complaint. Anyway, I have mentioned I hate people driving my car because I don't trust anybody. I have been in 1 accident (I mean more if you count me backing into cars but not causing damage or getting my car stuck on a sign at Sonic Drive In (that specific incident was highly stressful and embarrassing. Just know it was while I was working there, not there for food. I was running late to work and pulled into a spot really quickly and just managed to get my car in with no issue but couldn't get my car out 😱)). But since my twin has dog sitting for like a month and my older sisters car won't get its window fixed until February 8th, I figured my car would have to be pulled into rotation. So that's not the complaint. (Well I don't like driving in the city but thats not a specific complaint for today). I didn't finish my homework last night so I had to finish it this morning. Some morning my mom makes me breakfast. I am totally capable of doing it myself but I appreciate not having to do it. Today was not one of those mornings and it was the one morning I really could have used the help. So my breakfast was a banana and a peanut butter and small bit of honey sandwich. I'm hungry but it's 3 now so I can't really get something big or heavy because I won't be hungry at dinner time. Got to school hoping to find a parking spot and have time to write something down for a problem I hadn't finished yet but no luck so that's gonna hurt my grade. I tried a class with this teacher before and I was literally failing the class within a month. Failed all the quizzes and hws because he writes the hw problems himself so i can't just go to chegg solutions. This homework questions (different class than last time) had already been asked on chegg so I didn't need to submit a question and pray and answer came in in time.

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And I am supposed to stop by Michael's on the way home to pick up a frame because my dad has a poster that has just been sitting in a cardboard folder since like 1993. My mom almost recycled it. She didn't know there was actually anything in the cardboard folder. When I saw it was in the recycling pile, I decided to take a look since I had never seen what was in there. My mom saw the whole thing go down so she was thankful I had caught it. Just wish she wouldn't get rid of things so willy nilly. You don't know how many things have ended up in the trash or being donated because she just got rid of things without double checking that they were empty (in the case of envelopes and bubble mailers going into the trash) or still wanted (as was the case with quite a few items that went to charity. Finally, my parents know that you don't give away my stuff without explicit permission from me. Just took them like 20 fucking years))

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So between the cat and the Michael's trip (and probably a pit stop for snacks), I won't have time to nap like I usually do.

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So nothing really bad, just some little things. And in honor of that last statement, here is a song to enjoy https://open.spotify.com/track/6vFD3c1WI1zuKoyk22dMw3?si=tEj_oWX6SGSu8R-v-QoyUw

Spotify

Little Things

Good Charlotte · Song · 2001

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Sorry. A little random addendum to the entry. Decided to check out my spotify release radar and saw the band whose concert I ended up getting a rotator cuff injury from the mosh pit released a new song. The rotator cuff pain kept coming back and it's part of why I stopped doing weight training exercises. Finally I think its fixed. Saw physical therapist last year for it. My shoulders are still fucking weak. Like I can hardly hold up 5lbs when my arms are above my shoulders. Was so looking forward to my weight training class but no, it had to be cancelled.

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For anybody curious, the band was Dir En Grey and it was the US arm of their tour for their album Uroboros. I have a signed CD case by most of the band somewhere. The singer apparently doesn't do autographs. I hadn't been in a serious mosh pit before than and I wasn't too happy with the idea of mosh pits and general admission areas at concerts but hey, only general admission venue so might as well try to get close. Yea, I will never be in or near a mosh pit ever again.

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I haven't listened to them in years so I only really remember one song of theirs I liked so I will share that one. It's from a different album then Uroboros but whatever

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https://open.spotify.com/track/5XNED2Ipf1vbTroQTPC11m?si=8F_VCgdWTIOrBZQeO8YMJQ

shut cloud Jan 28, 2024, 4:54 AM

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So as I mentioned before I am checking in on a cat. Well thursday when I first drove to the house, I saw some pretty nice looking chairs sitting in the alley by the trash. They were still there yesterday and they were there today so I grabbed them. Not to keep, but to donate. I don't like things going to waste and the chairs were in good condition so it seemed like a shame to let them end up in the land fill. I guess they could have been in a pile for donation pick up but usually there would be some indication that thats why they were out there. It also seems weird to be donating them but just leaving them out in the open by the trash days before the pick up is scheduled. Anyways, I grabbed them and I now am I all worried they weren't actually being trashed. A long time ago, there was a house we would pass by pretty frequently since it was on a street we frequented and there was a sign outside that said "Please return the table, only the plums were free!" and well obviously that stuck with me so now I am sitting here partly worried someone will want to know where the fuck their chairs went 😳

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But I really just couldn't stand the thought of them going to waste. Its a big problem for me. I don't like tossing things out even if they aren't in the best condition because I know somewhere in the world, somebody would appreciate having even that worn out object, but its not in good enough condition to donate anywhere.

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In college, i bought 2 new packs of menstrual pads but then got an IUD inserted (so to any guys reading this, I am safe for some fun 😉 😉 . Seriously though I'm joking. I'm interested in long term relationships not flings so don't try hitting me up for any x-rated digital fun, not that a guy would ever find my disgusting fat ass attractive in any way) and never got a chance to open the packs, and one of my cats ripped a bag open and I figured it wasn't considered donatable anymore because it wasn't factory sealed anymore. By this time, my only friend was my ex and I was in a different state from my sisters (my older sister also had an IUD) and my twin may have started using a menstrual cup by then. So I just had menstrual pads sitting in my bathroom unused for years. Now I realize that a women's shelter probably would have accepted the pads, but at the time I didn't think of that. My ex and I fought alot because my my apartment was an absolute mess but alot of it was recyclable (like paper) and so I collected it to bring back home to a different state and a big city that could recycle more stuff. He would tell me to just toss it, but I would refuse because it was recyclable. I will also point out I may have some slight hoarding tendencies because I do have trouble giving things away because I get emotionally attached to objects. To me, the object is a physical representation of a memory and getting rid of the object is like tossing away the memory. So I had too much stuff that I didn't have a place or use for and too much "trash" that I refused to toss because I wanted to recycle it. It caused alot of fights.

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I like watching hoarders shows and I liked to bring up that the way to deal with someone who struggles to get rid of things isn't forcing them to do things your way, its letting them do things their way. And yea the hoarding is bad so they can't have a say in everything like they would prefer, but they at least get a say in the most important things. And I wish my ex would have just accepted thats how things needed to go with me when I asked for his help cleaning and organizing, even if it was slow and inefficient and not how he wanted to do things.

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In the end, my apartment stayed a mess because it was too overwhelming for my depressed butt to handle on my own, but when I asked for help, my ex would just stress me out trying to force his ways on me.

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And thats a similar problem I have at home with my mom. She hates being idle and she hates clutter. So she cleans and when she cleans, she just gets rid of items that aren't used very often or things that look like trash without double checking to make sure she can get rid of things. So my closet is a dangerous pile of crap that needs to be organized by its too overwhelming and asking for help from people just ends up making me feel bad about myself and judged.

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Before my ex and I broke up, we had talked about moving in together again. Of course he wouldn't want to be in a messy place so my suggestion was to get a 2 bedroom apartment. We each we get our own room but we could share the bed in his room. This was actually the set up we had when first lived together. And we only slept in his room because he had a queen bed and at the time I just had a twin bed. And when we moved in together again, I was allowed to let my room be as messy as I wanted as long as I made sure to keep the rest of the house clean. And he refused to accept that compromise. Ok yes, my kitchen sink could get a little scary when I lived on my own because I didn't clean it often but its not like the rest of the apartment was also a giant pile of rotting food. Seriously, it was just alot of stuff, not garbage. I don't like spiders or cockroaches or any sort of creepy crawlies so its not like I would let most things get to a state where they would attract things like that. It also had the benefit of I would have a place to retreat to if we had a fight. But he didn't want to compromise. He also thinks love is supposed to be easy and that sex is how you show someone you love them in a romantic way (darn english only having one word for love), and that if someone doesn't make you happy, they aren't worth keeping around.

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Yea I don't think he should be in any type of romantic relationship but its not my problem anymore. He can refuse to learn from his mistakes; refuse to learn what his problems are and what he did to make our relationship fail because it wasn't all my fault, Asshole.

shut cloud Jan 29, 2024, 4:21 PM

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I am going to be honest here (not that I haven't already been honest), but I don't know if I am going to leave the server or not. I can't really say it has helped me with my mental health or making any friends like I had hoped. And even though journaling is nice, I don't need to do it on a discord server, I can do it privately. Nobody would read it but I don't really think people are actually reading this one anyways so its not like I would be losing anything. I will think on it a little longer but I am just at a point where I don't even want to bother with socializing anymore. I just don't see the point in trying to make friends at my age or with my personality or my mental health issues. There are plenty of recluses in society so its not like its an impossible way to live. It will probably just be hard and lonely the first few years but then once you get used to not having friends, it won't be so bad.

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So this may be the last time you hear from me or it might not. I don't know. Don't try talking to me. I will ignore you.

shut cloud Jan 30, 2024, 7:11 PM

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My opinion of this server hasn't changed. I am still unhappy with the lack of improvement in my life from joining the server. I wasn't expecting a miracle but I was hoping for at least one friend, but that was too much to ask apparently. I am back because even though I can journal anywhere, I like the fact that I may have an audience here. I mean nobody might actually be reading these entries, but 7 people have reacted to the journal so I can at least make the excuse that people are reading my entries alot easier than if nobody had reacted.

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Most entries might just be complaints, but I think having an outlet to complain is healthier than holding all the anger and complaints in until i explode and have an emotional breakdown leading to a very low mood where I consider the idea of killing myself. I never even hurt myself (well not recently) but you never know what might push me over the edge again.

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I'm in class and if I am caught not doing class related stuff, the whole class will lose access to personal computers, but I wanted to talk real quick. Its a 2 hour class so we usually get a 5 min break halfway through so if we do, I will talk more before I forget

shut cloud Jan 30, 2024, 8:43 PM

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Well i didn't have to wait until the break or until after class. Like right after I sent the previous pots, i got up to use the bathroom. I am going to do my best to not share TMI while still explaining things. I don't like going to the bathroom in class because all the eyes watching you come and go. Even in college when you no longer needed permission from the teacher to leave. Its also why I don't like showing upt to class late. Anyways, wasn't something I was going to be able to hold until after class. I figured it was just a case of my body being dramatic and things weren't going to be that bad. Well I was wrong today I actually had an upset stomach. 30 minutes before I felt like I could safely leave the bathroom so I went back to class and packed up my stuff and left early. No clue where it came from. Im no stranger to such issues though. Things have become problematic for me in like the last 5 years and there is just no obvious link. Might be IBS, but who knows. I planned to say "well shit happens" but then decided that was a little too much considering the topic but then decided to share because it is actually a bit funny

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Anyway, on to the complaining and then some maybe insights on myself.

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So i don't bother asking or wondering if I will be getting a ride to class. I just assume I am driving myself. Driving downtown is so stressful because its narrow streets, that are busy with alot of road work going on and pedestrians who do whatever the fuck they want because they have the right of way (funny little story related to that I will share later). Yesterday, one of the streets I take was closed to 1 lane (its usually 3 lanes, 4 if you count the bus lane) and this is a pretty busy street. Then one of the cross streets had alot of people turning onto the street so when you had a green light, you had to drive forward even if your car was blocking a lane of traffic because the right turners wouldn't give you a chance to get through. So I went a different way and got stuck in a left turn only lane, but wasn't hard to correct, its just annoying. I was driving on the street for multiple blocks and the lane was not a forced turn. A turn lane would be added then when I finally move over so I wouldn't have to fight my way once I got closer to my turn, it became a forced turn lane -.-

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So me leaving 10 minutes earlier than I would tell my parents we should leave has been really helping me many of these days I drive myself because of all the dumb traffic I end up running into. I get to campus and look for a spot in the lot outside my building but no luck so I went across the street to the parking garage. There was space but this time I had to park on the second level. It turns out its cheaper to park in that garage (i don't want to say every garage because the other ones are on campus between buildings, not across the street). $6.25 for a whole day of parking (can't select to only pay for a few hours but at least after paying once you can park in I believe any lot on campus all day. The campus is across the street from an indoor arena, and within walking distance of the local football stadium and Meow Wolf so the parking isn't student only parking but during the standard school year, events are usually in the evening so students and event attendees don't have to fight over parking spots)

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I figured that was going to happen so I made sure to wear my sneakers. My calves still started to ache after walking for only 5 minutes so no clue what is up with walking on college campuses that causes me to walk in such a different way than normal that my calves aren't used to it. Well at least I am getting exercise in.

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So that funny story before going on to being insightful.

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Well i read that pedestrians are more likely to be hit when crossing in a cross walk then when crossing a street elsewhere. Most people would probably use that as an excuse to jaywalk, but not me. Since pedestrians have the right of way (even when they are wrong) when using the crosswalk, most of the time the driver will automatically be considered at fault. I told this to my dad. And said "that way if someone hits me, its not my fault because I had the right of way" and he told me that would make a great epitaph on my grave "But I had the right of way". Dads. 🙄

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But I still stand by my sentiment. If someone is going to hit me, at least make sure they are the ones at fault. No thats not necessarily so I can sue them, I'm not that crazy, its mostly so that if they were driving erratically or not paying attention, they will get punished for hurting me while not being a responsible driver.

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Anyway, now onto the insightful part of today's lecture.

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So i am completely aware that I have abandonment issues. I like the youtube channel Psych2go. I watched a video yesterday about signs that its not just loneliness but fear of abandonment. I figured it wouldn't be insightful but you never know. Nope, just reaffirmed I have a fear of abandonment. I didn't lose a close family member to death and my parents didn't divorce but I did get left by good friends. I have mentioned this before. My twin and I would make a good friend at school but they would only be there for a year before going to a different school or the friend would be in a higher grade and end up graduating before us. Then of course, my ex breaking up with me did nothing to help with that fear

shut cloud Jan 30, 2024, 9:32 PM

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So I have issues trusting people. I feel like I will start to trust them and like them and they will just disappear from my life. I have been used a couple of times too. Nothing really bad for the most part. But now its like I can't trust that someone actually likes me for me. I always am afraid people are only nice to me because they want something from me. (Sorry kitty on keyboard break in the middle of typing). I tend to be really sensitive and get upset easily. But I also do things that are like little tests to see if someone actually cares about me. Well not alot of people like that and don't want to put up with me. Some people are ok at first, but eventually will get fed up and leave me. This is what happened with my ex. So in the end its a self-fulfilling prophecy. People end up abandoning me because I drive them away while trying to make sure they don't abandon me.

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So in alot of ways, its my own fault that I don't have friends and every friendship I make ends up getting ruined in someway. But I don't know how to stop this from happening. And if I can't stop it, then why both making friends or forming romantic relationships if I am just going to ruin them and end up just as sad and lonely as I was before.

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I also struggle with feeling ignored. I am technically a middle child. I may have a twin, but I was born first and am stronger than her in many ways. As a baby, she never cried when she was hungry so my parents were told to feed her first when I cried because I was hungry. Then as we got older, she struggled with school and was not as strong as me physically so she got extra attention. My older sister just being who she is, has always struggled with making friends and has always required alot of attention from people. So between my older sister and my twin, I hardly got attention because I didn't struggle as much as them. I would do things trying to get attention. As I got older, I remained quiet and shy and because of this, I would get overlooked alot. In class, I wouldn't want attention but then when I did want to (like to be chosen to do something), I was never chosen for things. Also I never seemed to be able to win anything like bingo. And many times in group projects, my ideas were never chosen. They might just have been really crappy ideas, but when you face years of your ideas being turned down and you being ignored, it starts to be hard to not take things personally.

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So to get attention i would make up silly things like being allergic to strawberries (another girl in my kindergarten class was allergic and she got special treatment) or have a big emotional break down with screaming and crying and of course people start to pay attention to me. So now, I default to doing stupid little things when I feel ignored or that nobody cares. I even at one point tried to kill myself. But I look back and wonder if I actually wanted to die, or just wanted attention and that makes me feel like shit because I think it was just for attention. But when I shared this with my therapist she said not to feel bad because even if it was just attention seeking behavior, I still did it something pretty extreme because I had just been so desperate to know that somebody loved and cared about me. Yes, I could have died and it wouldn't matter if someone cared about me or not if that happened, but I was willing to take the risk. That doesnt make things ok and that point was the last straw for my ex. We continued to date for another 2 years, but the next time I did something trying to get him to prove he cared for me, he realized he didn't and that he hadn't for awhile. He gave me a second chance (more like seventh) because he was literally afraid that I would kill myself if he did insist on breaking up with me.

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So here I am, just wanting people to care about me and to love me. Here I am not wanting to end up alone but here I also am doing my best to make sure I end up alone. Why would anybody want to marry someone like me? Why would anybody want to be my friend? Its too hard and requires too much work and is too much of an emotional rollercoaster.

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Like I said, I may not be happy with the server, but the idea that people are actually reading my journal is what brought me back. I love watching JackSepticEye and Markiplier. I also love playing video games. And I want to be a lets player. I want the community, I want people to care about me, I want to make a difference in peoples lives, I want to share my thoughts and experiences when it comes to games. I am one of those people that somehow manages to always find bugs in games and its sad when no one else is a witness to it happeneing. Or like when I played Sonic Frontiers for the first time and had been meh about it until the very first boss fight and between Super Sonic and the boss music (hello singer from Sleeping with Sirens) where I was just blown away. I want that community, but I am not the right type of person for that and its an oversaturated market anyways. So I will enjoy the small possibility that somebody is actually reading my journal entries, every single one because that would mean someone cares enough about me to take the time to read what I have written even if its just complaining.

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So to sum things up, I am a shy and quiet person who doesn't like most attention, and appreciates being alone but also a person who wants people to pay attention to her and and care and doesn't want to be lonely. But I end up driving people away because I can't trust people actually care about me for me, not for some ulterior motive. And I end up doing attention seeking things like wanting to be a lets player or typing up public journal entries.

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My life isn't bad, I have alot to be happy about, but even so, trying to live life as the person I am is exhausting and sometimes I just don't want to have to deal with things anymore.

shut cloud Jan 31, 2024, 5:42 AM

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It probably won't change anything but I won't ignore anybody who tries to contact me. I just thought I should make that known

shut cloud Jan 31, 2024, 4:46 PM

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I thought I should also add that I unblocked anybody who I blocked when upset and not for a good reason (such as spamming a chat).

shut cloud Jan 31, 2024, 6:54 PM

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So my dad was scammed out of $10,000 a couple of months ago. He realized it was BS about half way through the interaction but relented because he was tired of being harassed by phone calls. So someone tried to scam him again today. He is 77 and starting to show signs of dementia and obviously doesn't fully understand paypal. My mom told him to hang up the phone and he did and they kept calling, just like last time. Fortunately I don't think he has payed any money. But i still typed up a small list of steps to take if he gets a suspicious email about a transaction on his paypal account. Things like this is why I have a hard time trusting people I haven't met/seen/talked to in real life. I'm sorry if my being suspicious hurts your feelings but if I cannot confirm what you say is true or that you are who you say you are, I will not trust you. I'm sorry, thats just how things are.

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I grew up catholic and even though my dad isn't catholic, he was like my mom in saying that it was not fair for us to wish death upon anybody else. I mean if they have to die to make the world better, then so be it, there is nothing we can do about that, but we shouldn't go around saying "So-and-so needs to just die" or "Somebody should kill so-and-so". Because of this point of view, there are very few people that my family wishes death upon, but there are a few. I will not provide names because I don't want to start a political argument. But I will say, we do think scammers deserve to die. They are horrid people who take advantage of others. So go ahead and think I'm being ridiculous about being so suspicious, but it won't change anything. Scammers can go rot in hell. If somebody cannot accept that I am a suspicious person, then we cannot be friends.

shut cloud Feb 1, 2024, 4:14 AM

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I'm lonely 😦

shut cloud Feb 1, 2024, 6:20 AM

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Just wanted to share this song. It makes me think of a character from a book series I have been reading, Just wanted to share it even if is only to a void of nothing. https://open.spotify.com/track/1Dgm07q9zjUWD9JjYtZHSR?si=084ed7fed5ad4127

Spotify

Judgement Day - Acoustic

Five Finger Death Punch · Song · 2024

shut cloud Feb 1, 2024, 2:49 PM

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Today is just going to be fucking great. I didn't get much sleep last night. Maybe 2 hours at most. Would have tried sleeping in but I just couldn't sleep. And my guess is I will be driving myself to school since its the 3rd week of classes and I have be driven by my parents twice even though i have classes 4 days a week. So fingers crossed I don't fuck up while driving tired.

shut cloud Feb 1, 2024, 10:25 PM

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Made it to school and home. 1 close call,1 technical accident. I hit a car while pulling into a parking spot, but nobody was around and there was no visible damage so I just pretended it didn't happen. Then I pulled in faster than I thought I was going and hit the concrete pillar harder than I meant to. I think I am lucky because my bumpers (and the bumpers on the car I hit) are plastic. I mean all cars may have plastic bumpers, I don't think bumpers are solid metal, but I am talking about the types that are not painted to match the car or curved to follow the smooth lines of the car. I don't know if that makes any sense. But the car I hit was a Jeep Wrangler so if you can imagine that those bumpers look like, my car has some like that but is a Honda Element.

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I had to stop by the library to pick up a book because today was the last day of the hold. So i took a different route home and passed through a couple school zones. I do not speed in school zones, even if there are no cops around. Fall last year (like September or October) I got a speeding ticket in my twins car. First ticket I ever got by the way. Well since it was a school zone, the fine was like $300. Yea, my parents had to pay it for me because I didn't feel like I had the money to spare. So I will always obey speed limits in school zones because I will not risk having to pay such a big fine again. It annoys some people but they can risk getting the ticket themselves if going faster is so fucking important to them. care. I also was heading through an intersection that had firetrucks on the cross street and the street I was on so I was going slowly because I didn't know what the status of things were, like was there an ambulance on the way or another police car. No sirens, but that just might mean its not an emergency, not specifically that no other emergency vehicle was coming or leaving. Well a car drove around me. Its not like they could speed away after that. I was still downtown. They only saved themselves like 20 seconds because once I got through the intersection, I started going the speed limit again. I hate people like that. I have seen some crazy ass maneuveurs by people who are too impatient to wait at a light or behind a slower car. Those dumb fucks. If they don't want traffic laws, they should move to South America. They probably would be whiny little babies if they actually had to drive in South America though because most people arent following traffic laws (if the country has them. My older sister did a year abroad in Nicaragua. The country was trying but they didn't have the infrastructure to enforce traffic laws so people didn't follow them) Its only fun when you can expect 95% of the population to follow traffic laws

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Once its a free for all its no longer fun. So pathetic (i'm talking about the its ok for me to break rules for my benefit as long as everybody else follows them, but its not fair if nobody is following the rules so I don't come out ahead type of personality)

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I have been crocheting a scarf. My twin bought me a star wars amiguri kit because she wants me to make my own amiguri of a character from a game we loved that was no longer playable anymore. It is playable again due to the hard work of fans, but right now its only the basic levels. No leveling, no gear, no launcher. Just the story mode but all characters are playable. So pretty much the part of the game that didn't need to be online but the dumb game company made it online and server based anyways. I prefer knitting to crocheting so I wanted to get more warmed up to crocheting again before trying something with limited yarn.

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Anyway, this is the first scarf. I actually crocheted a dark green scarf with the last of some yarn but it was a bit too short so I decided to frog it (I'm not making that up. Unraveling knitting or crocheting projects is called frogging). So i used the yarn from that scarf to make a stripped scarf with some light green yarn. Right now the scarf is about 58 inches long. I don't know if I should keep crocheting until I run out of dark green (that dark green tangle is the remaining yarn) and risk getting a scarf twice as long as it is now or end the scarf now and hope I have enough dark green yarn to make another stripped scarf, but a little shorter and without the fringe.

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Since my journal isn't really read by people, I will probably just have to decided on my own. Maybe I will ask on reddit. Btw, I already have the yarn for the fringe for the other end all cut up so I don't need to worry about making sure I have enough yarn saved.

shut cloud Feb 3, 2024, 4:24 PM

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Finished the scarf. Not that anybody reading this cares but I used the rest of the dark green yarn. It wasn't as much as it looked like. It actually was very little. I don't think I added even another foot to the scarf but it did add inches.

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Other than that, nothing really happening. My older sister got me to do something called The conqueror challenges. Its a company that does digital races. Basically, you choose a certain route (that is offered. You can't just choose whatever) and select how long you want it to take you to finish then once you sign up, you connect something that counts your steps or you can add activity manually. Nothing happens if you take longer than you said you wanted it to take and you can actually change the finish date whenever. Well at different checkpoints along the path, you are given facts about a specific location along the route or just a small fun fact about the area. At the end, you get a medal, I believe like the ones you get if you participate in a marathon. The medals are why you have to pay to enter challenges though.

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The challenges are like $30 ( more now because they raised prices) and they are always adding new routes. The challenges vary in length with some having both a short version and a long version. They had/have (I don't know if it was a limited availability thing or not) a Hobbit/Lord of the Rings routes and recently started a Game of Thrones one. They also just added 2 new standard routes (I say standard because they aren't related to anything copyrighted), Tokyo and Singapore. I originally wasn't going to do any more challenges for now since its expensive and hasn't really encouraged me to walk more. They have a lot of routes I haven't done but want to. Currently my parents are willing to pay for any routes I want to try, but again doing the challenges hasn't actually encouraged me to walk more like they are supposed to so even though the medals are cool, the challenges aren't worth the cost. Once I get a job though, I will probably start buying new routes again using my own money.

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Anyways, I bought 2 3 packs of challenges and am only the final challenge from those 6. But I saw the Singapore challenge and was like "I think it will do one more challenge, maybe 2 (the second being the Tokyo one)". But I decided against it. My motivation for wanting to do the Singapore one faded though. I just bring up the challenges because I just recently hit the 50% mark for the current challenge.

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Here are some photos of the medal from the last challenge I finished.

shut cloud Feb 5, 2024, 4:39 PM

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Well someone unreacted to my journal. Thats interesting. A little disappointing but not surprising. I was more surprised people even reacted in the first place.

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Anyway, just wanted to say its week 4 of classes. 2 out of 3 are easy, the 3rd should be easy in theory but between the teacher and me being out of practice, its a lot harder than it should be.

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One class is going so freaking slow. Its my C programming class. We just learned printf and comments. I guess it may be alot of people's first time working in C, but one of the prerequisite classes was python programming so I feel like we should be able to go through concepts faster, at least at the beginning. Like people should know about comments, file i/o, strings (not necessarily string functions or whatever), loops, for statements, and functions. I get that syntax is different but the basic concepts should be the same.

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What I find a bit funny is the other easy class is essentially another python programming. Its a different department class (Geographic information systems GIS, vs electrical engineering technology EET) so its not a class other EET students will need to take. I'm taking it to get a GIS certificate. The EET classes I am taking are either classes that weren't offered at my alma mater or classes I struggled with and barely passed. I'm not a degree seeking student.

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Anyway, the funny bit is that when I am doing the python programming, I keep adding semicolons at the end of statements, which is not needed in python, but when I am doing the C programming, I keep forgetting the semicolons. Thanks brain!

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I have an interview at the end of the week I am nervous about. Other than that I am just kinda meh about things. I have someone to talk to again and that makes me happy, I just don't really have the motivation or energy to really socialize with people right now. Its nothing personal and I hope they understand. So friend if you read this: I'm still not intentionally ignoring you, I just haven't been on Discord.

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Take care friend and anybody else reading this 🙂

shut cloud Feb 6, 2024, 5:23 PM

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I just want to say this real quick before I forget again. I have to leave for class in 40 minutes and this is the class I can't do anything not related to class on my computer because if I get caught, the whole class loses laptop privileges and its a 2 hour class.

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Anyway I am a bit confused about if my parents want me to move out or not. A while ago but within the last year, my mom said that she and my dad would be willing to help me pay rent for the first couple of months when I got a job so I didn't have to continue to live at home until I had some money saved up. Don't know if she said that because she knows living at home and basically having one room to myself is really stressful or if she and my dad want me to leave, mostly because me leaving means I have a job not because they hate me. But if I get this job I am interviewing for on Friday, it is in a city 2 hours away. I figured I was going to have to move there but that would mean leaving one of my cats behind. There is no way she will go back to being an indoor only cat, especially since I am not likely to get as spacious of an apartment I had in college for affordable rent (benefit of going to college in a rural town in a state with very low home prices). But Saturday my mom was like "maybe you don't have to. There is a bus you can take. It would depend on your schedule". I want to add that alot of people commute between my city and the other city so there are a few resources I can use if I don't want to fight with traffic. And it just seemed a little weird because it sounded like she doesn't want me to move out or at least when I move out, I am still close by. So now I am even more confused on what I am going to do living situation wise if I get this job.

shut cloud Feb 7, 2024, 4:29 PM

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This actually happened yesterday but I decided not to shqre because I thought it was stupid but I changed my mind so here it is:

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Anybody who has talked to me for an extended period of time knows that I love my car. Its old, from 2005. Its a discontinued model (I think it was discontinued in 2015 but I don't feel like double checking). Anyways, it apparently wasn't a very popular model (they obviously never been to my state. These cars are pretty popular. I see them alot. I am weird and get excited when I see a car of the same model. I just love my car that much. There is a joke in my family that I despise the model that replaced my cars model. I don't really hate it but I do not like it. It just isn't the same. My dad said the engine is probably the same and thats what really matters

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Anyway, I was driving to school yesterday and at one point I was driving behind the same model car. It was also the exact same color. A little unusual since the car came in many colors and even though I think my car color was like default, I don't see it very often. I had kinda hoped they were heading to campus too but they weren't.

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Later I was driving home. This was about 3 hours later. I was nearly home I and I saw that behind my again was the same model car. It also was the exact same color. . I don't know if it was the same car or a different one. But either way, it was still one hell of a coincidence If I had a different, more popular, car (like my twin or mom) or one still being produced (like my dad and older sister), it wouldn't have been so weird.

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So nothing really exciting or funny, but was a pretty weird coincidence.

shut cloud Feb 10, 2024, 2:11 AM

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Just wanted to stop by and say that I don't feel like the interview went well. And I even tried to prepare ahead of time this time. So I'm feeling a bit down and dont really feel like socializing still.

shut cloud Feb 11, 2024, 4:09 AM

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I'm not feeling very good emotionally. I am dealing with so many negative feelings. I want to talk about them, but at the same time, I don't want to bother. I would rather just cry. I started typing this thinking I was going to type out thoughts I had earlier today but as soon as I started, I just lost the will. Even just typing this out reqcuied me to force myself to finish what I started. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. I can easily say though fuck valentine's day. I don't need love and the fact I'm single shoved in my face. i already wish I could find a new boyfriend at least once a day.

shut cloud Feb 12, 2024, 6:06 PM

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I am in class right now but its the class I don't really have to pay attention in (at least right now). I still show up to class just in case there is a pop quiz. The teacher doesn't seem like the type of person to do unscheduled quizzes but you never know. I could also be working on the hw for the class but its not due until 11:59 pm tonight (thank you for being able to submit hw online). I just wanted to make a post because this morning was annoying. I wouldn't call it bad, just really annoying. So I am back to complain. I'm such a lovely person aren't I? (sarcasm)

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Anyway, my older sisters car finally went in to get the window repaired last Thursday. We all figured it would be drop off pick up type deal. Nope. It was a drop off and "we'll text you when the repair is complete". So no clue when the repair will actually be done. What was even the point of scheduling an appointment if they aren't actually going to repair things the day you bring them in? (i'm talking about things like a broken window. you know, simpler repairs). Since we were all hopeful. I parked my car in the driveway behind my dad's truck. Well no luck for us. So I had to drive myself to school, which meant I was going to have to move my dad's truck to get to my car (there is no way in hell I am driving his truck. its a fucking boat with no turn radius. I would hit so many cars on accident. Driving it always makes me really nervous). Well its about time to leave and I can't find my wallet. I need my wallet because it has my driver's license, which I need to have on me while driving in case I get pulled over by a cop.

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Well I managed to be running early getting ready today so my 5 minute search didn't put me behind schedule. But it made me frustrated because if I couldn't find my wallet, I was going to have to miss class. My mom has water aerobics 9:30-10:30 and I need to leave home around 10:10-10:20. My dad was still sleeping but most days he isn't up by this time anyway and with him being so old and having so many problems that interfere with his sleep, I don't want to wake him up if I can avoid it.

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Anyway, I headed out to my car and saw I had to clear snow off of it. It snowed a little this weekend and I didn't register in my brain that my car, sitting in the shade of 2 houses, would still have alot of snow on it. But since I had to move my dad's truck, I just turned my car on all the way and let it heat up and defrost. I moved my dad's truck. Well our driveway is hell in snow. It gets really icy and hard to drive on (there is a slope) so my dad's truck was in 4wd. I don't know how to change it to its normal i think fwd but could be rwd, but that doesn't really matter right now. So it was a little more difficult to park it on a completely flat, ice free street. So a little more annoyed about having to move the truck than I normally would but only a little.

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I am heading to school and at one point, there was a truck was blocking my lane so I went around it. Small moment of panic because I have never driven down any other streets since the street I usually use was usually clear from stopped vehicles and I wasn't sure when I was supposed to turn but I made it. I forgot that there is a sculpture on the corner of the intersection. So once I saw the sculpture I was like "oh yea, that thing. Ok I know where I am now". I mean i was only over 1 street but there are some neighborhoods where streets can vary greatly even just within one block. (i.e not a perfect grid). No traffic issues so that was nice.

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I get to campus and go to the parking garage to park and a person is backing in their pick up truck so I stop and wait for them. Some dick in an audi came in behind me and saw that he would have to stop so he decided to go around. Well waiting really wouldn't have hurt him. I was able to pass the truck and head to the up ramp where I ran into the audi again. Well he ignored the stop (no sign but since there can be alot of pedestrian traffic, cars are supposed to stop before turning on the ramp. Its written on the ground so its not like its a secret thing). And he almost hit somebody! He was speeding and ignored the stop and there were people walking down the ramp. Seriously, you could see the fear on the young girls face. It looked like a family. They probably parked here and were going to walk to meow wolf. I hate people who speed in parking lots and parking garages. You do not need to be going 30 or 40 in such a narrow area that may have pedestrians. I also hate dicks in expensive cars because they are usually the worst drivers. They drive like rules don't apply to them, like somehow owning a luxury car makes them better than the rest of us peons.

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I get school on time and end up having to wait for the teacher to unlock the door. She was a little late. I don't know if she has a class before this one but she usually only arrives to unlock the door a couple minutes before class is scheduled to start. Today she didn't show up until after the class's scheduled start time. Only like a minute or 2 late. Again, just a minor annoyance because I had to stand around longer and for some reason, I got really sweaty.

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So I got sweaty earlier (being so fat, I get hot easily and sweat pretty easily) running around playing musical cars. I even had to pull my hair back into a ponytail. I was going to wear it down today since I always wear it in a ponytail, but its so long, and thick and heavy and hot, to cool my body down I had to get my hair off my neck. Normally, I would have had my hair chopped off to donate by now, but for reasons, I have decided to grow out my hair until its long enough to donate, but stay pretty long when i get the 10 inches cut off to donate. I feel like I look more feminine and prettier with longer hair. I would share a photo of what I look like with a short bob, but I look awful in the picture! I thought I looked cute at the time, but now I look back at the photo and just think I'm super ugly. I wasn't able to hide my ugly personality on discord, but at least I can hide the ugly parts of my appearance.

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The next 2 complaints are more random because they happened this weekend but I wasn't in the mood to journal about them at the time. So my therapist decided to switch online therapy companies and she is struggling to be approved for insurance. Well she told me to let support know I wanted her. Well I did and they told me she doesn't accept my insurance. Problem was, the insurance they said I had, is not my insurance unless my insurance is some small brand under a larger umbrella. I didn't bother trying to correct them. They don't seem to have their shit together so I figured it was better to just wait to try again.

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Then one of my teachers messaged the class saying that some students (probably me, maybe some one else, but most definitely me) were not solving the hw problems like he taught us in class and that he was going to start to penalize the students who did this. You know why I didn't follow his method? Because the questions came from a textbook. The textbook solutions are on chegg so I went to chegg for help. I really should be doing it on my own but my brain just is not willing to work and I don't know what mental block I have that is causing this. And I don't mind on homework because my homework grade was usually my only saving grace for the last few years of my undergraduate classes. So I figure getting a high hw grade to offset a low test average is ok. But nope can't do that anymore for this class. Same teacher from last semester that taught a class that I was failing in and made me feel so depressed and dumb and feeling like I am not to be an engineer and led me to withdrawing from both the classes I was registered for in a impulsive depressive state. The next day I felt better but couldn't undo the withdraw from one of the classes but the teacher was nice and let me still show up to class time to learn even though I wasn't getting any credit.

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This class is supposed to be one of the prerequisites for the class I withdrew from last semester. I was hoping it would be easier but same teacher, same problems as last semester. So I don't know if I am going to withdraw again because I just can't seem to learn from this teacher. Anyway, it just really pisses me off that we have a textbook and are given problems from the book for homework, but we can't use the methods the book provides, we have to use the methods the teacher teaches us. So then why even have a freaking textbook? Its not like getting copy of the textbook is cheap, even when renting it. So why make students spend money on a full book that they can't use as a study resource?

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So yea, just some annoyances. I feel like I only have two moods: sad and mad and my journal totally shows this. I am either complaining or angry about something or feeling really down and depressed and being really critical about myself. It shouldn't be a surprise that people don't want to talk to me but it still hurts and I get really lonely sometimes. I know I have so many personal problems I need to work on before I am ready to date again, but that doesn't stop me from also just wanting a new bf. I just want friends and a bf but I'm such a difficult person to get along with, its no surprise people avoid me.

shut cloud Feb 18, 2024, 1:47 PM

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I dont know why I ever thought anybody would care about me or my thoughts. I don't know why I believed I could actually make friends. I don't know why I'm still alive. I am nothing. I shouldn't exist.

shut cloud Feb 22, 2024, 9:17 PM

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I just don't want to try anymore for anything. I wish the world would just let me die.

shut cloud Feb 25, 2024, 4:50 AM

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I just feel the need to say something and don't have any other outlet so I'm just using my huddle journal.

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Anyway, I have a dog sitting job coming up. March 10 - 25. I don't mind dogs. I prefer cats. I know this dog. I have watched him plenty of times before. I hate walking him and cleaning up his poop. He likes to poop in inconvenient places (like on bushes) and usually has soft poops. I have small hands so picking up is a bit messier than it should have to be. The dog, a big sweety if you get introduced to him by his family, did recently bite someone so now we have to be extra certain to avoid other people and dogs. Too bad like everybody in the freaking neighborhood owns a dog and they are only a couple blocks away from a public school and at least 3 different churches.

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I hate walking him so much I told my twin she gets first dibs on watching him. But she has a lot of other clients because she does pet sitting for a lot of different people so she sometimes gets 2 overlapping job offers. She (and my mom) don't like saying no so now that I am home (and it was like this even when I was in college since I would come home between semesters) it is assumed I take over the extra job.

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Usually I get animals I have already met. So far at least 2 of the dogs I watched have passed on (we have been pet sitting for at least 10 years, maybe 13 so thats a pretty long time and a most dogs we watch aren't very young). Still a few families with pets I have met. She also doesn't give me dogs I have met but require extra care of any type (health, behavioral issues, etc).

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So she must have a dog sitting job with a dog she doesn't feel comfortable letting me watch, whether it be a new dog or an more difficult to watch dog she has watched multiple times before so she is used to the dog, leaving me to take this other job.

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As I did say, the dog is really sweet so its not terrible to watch him. But he is a dog and that includes barking at anything and anyone that passes the house, needing to be walked, needing to be let out into the yard (the parts about dogs I don't like).

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The reason I decided to create a journal entry though was not to complain about the dog or dog sitting job (I know, its amazing that I am actually doing something besides complaining). Is because I realized I will be feeling alone again. I don't have any friends in real life. And during the Christmas season, I was watching my older sisters cat since my twin had a dog sitting job. So I was alone. Nobody to text. Nobody just to say hi to in passing (like at home since I live with my parents). Nobody to hang out with. Nobody to chat with online. Loneliness has been a problem for years but I always had my ex to text with. We are talking again since my feelings towards him have changed. I can't say they are completely gone because I still get really upset thinking about him dating other girls, but I no longer want to date him. Its hard to explain but basically something finally made me see how incompatible we were and that unless we both changed, we would never be a good couple. So I'm not super emotional about him so now we can talk and he wants to be friends again (won't ever be like it was when we were dating but not sure he realizes that. Those last 2 years he thought of me as more a friend then a girlfriend, I still loved him deeply and didn't only think of him as just a friend like he assumed and still seems to have stuck in his brain).

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The point in mentioning that is I do have someone to text, but he has friends and a family he likes to spend time with. So during the holidays, he wasn't responsive to my texts. My twin, isn't responsive to texts in general. I don't talk to my older sister unless I have to. So yes there are a couple people in my life I can talk to, I can't rely on them to be there to socialize when I am feeling lonely. Thats what happened during the holidays. I was sad and lonely and the 2 people I talk to were busy. So thats how I ended up joining the huddleverse.

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I was searching for a place to meet people to talk to online. 16 people responded to my introduction. Only 4 actually talked to me past the initial "Hi I saw your intro" message. And I still am in contact with 3 of them, but we don't talk anymore. Not because I don't like them, just because there really isn't much to talk about. I bet they would all talk to me if I reached out, but its at that point where it seems like I have to kind of force them to interact with me (if that makes sense). They don't hate me, but I'm not that important to them so I am basically an afterthought. They will talk with me to be nice, but they won't initiate conversations with me or work to keep the conversation going.

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And so I am ending up where I was before. Nobody I really can talk to or connect with on a deeper level. I should be happy that I got at least 2 month of not feeling lonely. But it hurts. I know its just part of life and friendships. There will always be that initial intense first, whatever, part of the relationship, but eventually things will cool down and reach a sort of equilibrium. For me, I am really needy since I have no friends so I feel the need to talk alot more than other people.

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And I just always feels like I'm the only one in the relationship who actually cares about the relationship and usually end up being the one always kind of forcing interactions. But its tiring and I just don't want to to try anymore with people. Like there was this really awesome guy I met, but we live on 2 different continents so our days don't really line up very well and he is busy with his life. And we only talk via email. No live chating. So it ended up being me sending a ton of messages and him only occasionally responding. And also even though I was open to him about things going on in my life, he wasn't as open with me. And so I decided to stop messaging him. It hurts to think about but he doesn't need me in his life. He has friends and plenty of people to talk to and things to to. I need him, but he can't fulfill my needs. I tried to meet more people to talk to (again part of what led me to the huddleverse) but then those relationships all ended up the same way.

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So I have tried to not be so reliant emotionally and socially on one person, but I can't ever find someone who wants me to be a constant prescence in their life, even if I am only someone they met on the internet. And I want friends in real life, but I'm just too shy and struggling with things to put myself out there. Most of the time, I have ways to take the edge of those feelings of loneliness, but when I am doing I pet sitting job, I lose the little interactions that keep things tolerable.

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I don't want to be lonely. But I am also a 30 year older loser who is only one step above being a total shut in. I don't have friends from childhood or high school or college. I have to make friends and making friends as an adult is hard.

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I hate feeling so lonely, but I think I just have to learn to live with it because with the way things are going in my life, I will forever end up alone.

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So i just wanted to get that off my chest. I feel like I am exactly where I started even after how hard I tried to improve things for myself. And it just seems like thats how every aspect in my life is going. I try hard to change things, only to end up exactly where I was before.

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I used to think that wishing I was dead or that I didn't exist but not wanting to actively kill myself was different then being suicidal. But then I learned about passive suicidal ideation. And thats where I am. and where it seems I am destined to remain my whole life: afraid of dying but wanting it to happen so I don't have to continue to struggle with my life.

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I can dream and speak of hope all I want, but I will eventually end up back at the bottom

shut cloud Feb 25, 2024, 3:36 PM

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Ok this is sort of a complaint. But I decided to say it not to express frustration, but to share knowledge.

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I may have mentioned in my journal I have a degree in electrical engineering. And yes, electrical engineering does seem to be more flexible because if something runs on electricity (that includes battery powered devices, an electrical engineer will be part of the design process.

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And this is my experience and my views so any other engineer out there, feel free to disagree. But I don't think people understand what being an engineer actually means. Whenever there is an issue with something electronic, they ask me for help since "I'm an electrical engineer". Yes I am but that doesn't mean I magically know how every electronic device works. To simplify things, engineers design things, technicians repair things. Yes there is some overlap, its not a strict separation, but its still an important differentiation. If you are lucky as engineer, you actually get to physically see, view, play with whatever you are designing for. That way if something isn't functioning like its supposed to, you can easily modify the design. If you are unlucky, you are just told the problems and expected to find solutions. Technicians, mechanics and other positions of similar nature work with the specific objects. They may be able to tell you how something functions, but that doesn't mean they have any actual control of the design of the electrical elements.

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Sorry I am struggling on how to explain things a little better. I really don't want people to get the wrong idea about things. I also don't want to make it sound like engineers are like smarter than technicians, because thats not necessarily true. Both jobs require certain knowledge and skills that some people are better with then others. I bet there are plenty of "technicians" out there who are smarter than me!

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Without getting too wordy, I guess my point is that the job duties and training of engineers and tehcnicians are different.

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As an engineer, I may be able to design a washing machine, but that doesn't mean I can repair said machine if something goes wrong.

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Just like technicians may be able to repair a machine, but that doesn't mean they can give you details on why something is built the way it is and how all the pieces interact specifically.

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And this goes for alot of things, like art, or programming, or game creation, or cars, don't assume someone knows everything. A musician can't automatically play every instrument. An artist doesn't automatically work with all media with the same skill. Not all programmers know every programming languages. Not all games are programmed or run the same. I think you see the point here.

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I do appreciate that my family does think I am a genius when it comes to electronics and stuff, but I am not able to solve every problem or fix anything that breaks. I don't have that knowledge or training. So for everybody out there, including me because I know I probably make the same mistake sometimes: not everybody knows everything about a subject matter. Not everybody to do every job. This doesn't make any one type of career or person smarter then others. Jobs can vary and just because you understand one piece of the puzzle, that doesn't automatically mean you understand every related piece.

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And if you run into something like I deal with, don't be a jerk about it. My family members didn't graduate with an engineering degree so they don't specifically know what engineering is or what engineers do.

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And kids, your parents or the older generation may not understand computers or technology like you do because they didn't grow up with it, but that doesn't make them stupid or mean you can ridicule them. You need to be patient and direct them as best you can. Some will learn, some will refuse to learn.

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And parents and older folks, you have experiences and knowledge that younger people don't so don't get mad at them if they don't know how to do something for themselves.

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I hope that wasn't too preachy. And that I was able to communicate my opinion and maybe spread some knowledge. And to remind people that everybody is different and knowledge isn't necessarily universal so try to be patient with others.

shut cloud Feb 29, 2024, 2:21 AM

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I just need to complain. I am just really frustrated and upset with life (wow...who knew). Anyways, first an update. That job I interviewed for on Feb 9th that i really wanted, so much so that I actually prepared for the interview, yea I didn't get it. So still a jobless loser. Struggling with the very basics in one of my classes, which when combined with the cant find a job thing makes me feel like I'm too stupid to actually be an engineer so I have a useless degree.

shut cloud Feb 29, 2024, 2:37 AM

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Now for what specifically I came to complain about. I will start with the small thing. So my mom and twin go get hair cuts (and my mom gets her hair colored touched up and my twin sometimes gets colored streaks in her hair, but I don't think its everytime) once a month. Just down the block from the salon is basically a luxury cinammon roll place. So my family can't resist getting some Duffey Rolls (thats the name of the buisness and the cinammon rolls) whenever we are down there. Well there had been a leftover Duffey roll just sitting on the counter in a tupperware container for days. No names were written on the container, nobody told me someone else had dibs on it. So this morning I decided to eat it. Well it was stale (still good though). After dinner my twin asked what happened to it. I originally wasn't going to say anything but decided to go ahead and admit I ate it and she got really pissy with me and said she "had plans to eat it". Well how the hell was I supposed to know? It was just there, nothing happening to it. I didn't want it to start molding. I get maybe that I should have asked before eating it, but again there was no indication from anybody that it wasn't just a spare (since there is 4 people in our house, and half a dozen is 6. I think a half dozen is cheaper than just getting 4 alone but I'm not sure.).

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And I mean it really is a little thing, but it still frustrates me that my twin got mad at me for eating her days old Duffey Roll that had just been sitting on the counter

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The second thing is bigger, but I will just sum up the issue instead of sharing my thought. I started out being all ready to type out all my frustrations with a few things in my life, but that passion has faded so I just want to finish up what i came to say and no more.

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Anyway, my mom mentioned at dinner than my older sister was having buyers remorse. I asked about what and the answer was not what expected: her and her boyfriend have decided to move into together and they already put a deposit on the place. Ok, so I think thats stupid and I really don't want to move all her shit again (I think I mentioned since she is so hard to work with, the rest of the family did all the packing and moving for her last time she moved. And my mom and dad are too old to be hauling crap). But apparently my older sister and her bf are planning on hire movers. I will believe it when I see it.

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So I don't know if they are renting an apartment, condo, or house, but there are apparently at least 2 floors. They are sharing the king room. They both work from home (at least my sister does 100% of the time, her boyfriend maybe like 90% of the time) so they each are getting an office. But my older sister is getting a small room to be her office and her boyfriend is insisting that her office also be the quest room. What about his office? Well for whatever reason thats a no. Well what about the first floor. Also a no. Because thats the bf's floor. Yes, the entire floor. He is going to use it for entertainment spaces. Even though one of the 3 bedrooms is on that floor, no, it can't be used for the guest room or an office because the rest of the floor is going to be too loud and distracting.

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Oh and she is the one putting down the security deposit and pays first months rent because she has savings, he doesn't. I don't think things are going to end well. And you know who will be dealing with the negative outcomes? The entire family, not just my older sister.

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I already have trauma from childhood because I got ignored. Not intentionally, but my twin has learning disabilities and wouldn't do homework without someone to force her to do the work and my older sister demanded alot of attention in general. I was the kid who didn't have emotional problems (for the most part) and I didn't struggle with school. So I wouldn't get as much attention from my parents. Again, they weren't intentionally ignoring me, but that doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic.

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So even though I am 30, I still sometime struggle with feeling ignored and like I am treated differently from my sisters because I am the only one who seems can tolerate being an adult. So when things go bad with my older sister, my mom and dad are even less present than usual. Yes I do get frustrated with my family and wish I had my own place or a place to escape to (like when I was with my ex, since after college we ended up in different states, i had the chance to go stay with him periodically, which helped give me a break from my family).

shut cloud Mar 4, 2024, 1:33 AM

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I just really need to talk and this is the only place I feel like I may actually get heard. I don't know for sure but I just need some place to go when I am upset.

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So I started talking to someone I met in a different server more than I had before 2 weeks ago. It was great! I was so happy. I thought I actually made a real friend. But the night of my last entry, I decided to be completely honest with them and inform them about my mental health and my struggles. I thought it was the right thing to do because they had been so kind to me and said they appreciated my honesty. But their reaction to what essentially was a confession, was very lacking and they haven't really talked to me since. We used to wish each other a good night every day. Now, the only time they talk to me is when prompted. And when I say I hope they have a good day, they just say thanks. They don't say "You too" or anything similar, like they used to. Today I wished they would have a good week, since I wanted to still try to hold on to what we had but not be super annoying. They said it was going to be a rough week. Then I said I hope things go well and they said that today wasn't a good day. And when I asked if they wanted to talk about it, they said no. And they would have done so before.

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So my heart is broken. Yet another person I seriously thought was going to be a friend who suddenly stops being friendly for no reason that I can tell. I wish I could share with them how I feel right now, but I can't. I don't know if being honest about myself and my feelings pushed them away, or if thats just how things are: I'm ok for a week but no longer.

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I thought I had someone I could trust and turn to when upset. I thought I had someone who would be there to encourage me to keep trying even when I wanted to give up. I wish that instead of crying and typing this up for no one in particular, I could be talking to someone instead. But apparently having someone I can talk to and trust with my feelings just isn't something I am meant to have. And if I completely stop talking to them (and this is now multiple them), they wouldn't even notice.

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I am done trying. I don't know if I am hurting myself by making relationships into more than they really are or what, but I just can't keep going. With all my heart, I hope I die tonight.

shut cloud Mar 4, 2024, 3:14 AM

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Ok I have calmed down a bit and decided to add that I know I can't rely on other people to make me happy, but thats not why I want friends. I am lonely. I want people I can share things with, that I can talk to about anything whether it be mundane like the weather or serious like I am in a really bad spot emotionally. I want people who want to talk to me, who are willing to do the work to stay in contact. I always feel like I am the only one trying to keep any sort of relationship going. And I have met people that I really enjoyed talking to and who encouraged me even when I wanted to give up. I have felt like I can open up to them in a way I haven't been able to with anybody since my ex and I broke up. But its like I can only have that type of relationship with somebody for a couple weeks. Then suddenly, I'm old news and its ok to just stop talking to me. I am trying hard to make multiple friends so that losing someone doesn't hurt so much, but its not easy. And I really don't think its possible anymore.

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So I have decided to be alone and find ways to cope with the loneliness.

shut cloud Mar 11, 2024, 2:25 AM

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Its been awhile since I mentioned it, not that anybody is actually reading these, but I have a dog sitting job for 13 days(I thought it was 15 originally). It hasn't even been an hour and I am already crying because of lonelieness or at least at the thought of how lonely I will be.

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It turns out my twin just decided to offer the job to me for no reason (I mean she had her reasons but I don't know what they are). So alittle angry at that. I don't mind dogs and this dog is pretty sweet but I hate walking him! As lonely as I feel right now, I just don't have the energy or motivation to type too much since its not like I am talking to anybody, so I am not going to elaborate on why I don't like walking the dog.

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I just wish I could have people to talk to for more than 1 week. I also wish that if I did meet more people to talk to, that they were closer to where I am so our timezones are closer together. Two of the last few people I loved talking to are in timezones like 7-9 hours ahead of me. They are great people and I wish I was still talking to them as much as when we first started talking, but the time difference and many other factors just makes that impossible.

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I don't want to be so alone...

shut cloud Mar 12, 2024, 12:21 AM

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In case anybody reads my journal, I just want to say I am doing fine right now. I don't know if yesterday I was just all upset because I was thinking about being alone or what, but I am feeling better today. I managed to lose the key to the house I am dog sitting at. (Don't worry, I left the back door unlocked since I wasn't going to be gone that long. And the dog is a sweetheart, if you are introduced to him correctly, but does not like strangers so I figure no one would be stupid enough to try to break in). And its such a weird situation. The key was on a lanyard. I have the lanyard. The hook thing on the end of the lanyard is fine, not misshapen like the key got caught and I tugged the lanyard until it came loose. I left the key in my car when I went inside my house to get a few things I forgot (I only like like 20-30 minutes away from the dog sitting house) but I locked my car as soon as I got out. So I really have no clue what happened to the key. The only thing I can think of is someone taking the key, but if someone did that, why not just take the whole lanyard and how would they have gotten in my locked car without causing any damage.

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I hurt my back (I never told my parents) years ago and ever since I get lower back pain really easily. Well I spent like 30 minutes looking for the key in my car. I also looked under my car and checked the path I walked to the door. Guess I strained my back. Its not too bad. It hurts and ibuprofen doesn't help (I hate pains like that. I have had multiple pains in my life ibuprofen doesn't touch and even though I have had times I was told my a doctor to take a dose higher then the recommended (not much higher) for pain management, I don't like doing it myself even if its only once or twice. So maybe a stronger pain killer could work, but its not a huge deal.

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Last year, I was in another state for my grandmothers funeral and I don't know what I did but I woke up the day of the funeral in excruciating pain. Like moving hurt. Not in a dull way (if that makes sense) but a sharp and severe way. Going to the bathroom was hell. I seriously had to hold on to things to sit down and stand up because otherwise I couldn't do it because of the pain. Its not like holding on to things reduced the pain, but somehow it did make it possible for me to i guess fight through the pain. Like every movement hurt(I know I said that already but it was just so bad!), even turning only my upper body was agonizing. Not fun normally, especially not fun during a funeral mass and after funeral reception. The pain got better. The next day I had to fly home but even though my back still hurt, it was nowhere as bad as the day before.

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Point of that story being that even though my back hurts now , I can handle the pain because I have had back pain that was so much worse.

shut cloud Mar 12, 2024, 6:46 PM

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Just wanted to provide small update on the key problem. Turns out I may not have actually lost the key. So the dog's owners were going to be gone for a month so they decided to split the job between 2 people. When I got to the dog house, I threw my key on the table. And if my twin is correct, then there was an empty lanyard on the table that was the exact same type of lanyard my key was on so I grabbed the empty lanyard, thinking it was my key while thinking my key was the previous dog sitters key.

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I didn't walk the dog yesterday because my back hurt so last night the dog woke me up like every 2 hours to let him out. I can't exactly ignore him because he starts barking if I don't respond to him so tired today.

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But I haven't felt lonely so thats a positive.

shut cloud Mar 16, 2024, 6:09 PM

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Just because I don't have anybody to tell. It's nothing important or anything but I just want to say it. It's actually probably a little stupid. You never realize how nice it is to have someone to share your dumb little random thoughts with until you don't have that someone anymore 😢

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Anyways, I was making instant hot chocolate. I heat the milk up on the stove to make sure it heats up enough. Trying to get hot milk in the microwave is just a guess game. Anyway, heating it up on the stove is a bit inconvenient. Yea there are kettle and electric kettles and espresso machines with milk wands, but who would put milk in a kettle? You don't often need that much milk boiled at once and if you are like my family, the kettle is usually always has water in it. And not everybody has an espresso machine. Why isn't there a individual cup sized electric kettle or something. Like it's marketed towards people making instant hot chocolate but obviously it could be used to boil any liquid in single 8 or 16 Oz (sorry don't know the conversion to liters off the top of my head and since I don't really think people are reading my journal, I don't feel like googling it) servings.

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I mean there is already a bunch of random kitchen gadgets made for a singular very specific purpose out there so a small kettle wouldn't be that weird

shut cloud Mar 20, 2024, 5:42 PM

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So another completely random thing I thought of that has nothing to do with anything important and is probably a bit stupid. Sometimes I think I shouldn't be allowed to let my mind wander.

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So I grew up watching the Magic School Bus. And I will admit that sometimes I go back and rewatch the series. Anyways, when Netflix announced a reboot, I was super excited. I watched the first episode and it was absolutely terrible. So for those who don't know, Ms. Frizzle's sister is the new teacher for the same kids, except Phoebe who went back to her old school and her spot taken by an Indian Girl. Not the same voice actors for the kids. Yea I think they screwed up. It should have been new kids for a new generation. Heck, they could have even made the kids the children of the original kids. And have a few of them marry each other so you have room for new kids. The idea of the teacher being related to Ms. Frizzle but not her was ok. It kinda makes sense especially since it would be like a Magic School Bus: The Next Generation. Ms. Frizzle did make an appearance at the end. I think the story was she was off doing research or getting a PhD or something. And that was nice. I wouldn't say it would need to happen every episode, but it would be cool in the first episode its the first day of school, they go on an adventure and at the end of the day, being the first day of school, the teachers ask the parents to come to the end of class. That way the og Ms. Frizzle could show up and all her old students could see her again and of course display the relationship between the old show and the new and be like the old characters passing the baton on to the next generation. And references could be made to the old show, like for example in an episode on the planets, one kind could mention that their parent remembers when Pluto was a planet and is still a bit salty about that change. And on an episode on computers, they could travel through multiple generation of computers, as a way to explain how computers work but how technology has improved, like they can see computers from using floppy discs to modern computers with USB drives and cloud storage.

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I really wish that would happen, but unfortunately, its unlikely 😢 so I guess the idea goes back into things that I hope will happen and have a chance, even if its very small and unrealistic (versus things I hope for that will definitely never happen, like playing at a discovery zone again 😭 )

shut cloud Apr 4, 2024, 3:21 PM

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I know its been awhile but its just been the same old story. Things did change slightly. My twin got a new pet sitting job. It was a 3 legged 5 month old cat. My god was that cat so adorable. But watching it hop was heartbreaking. It got me thinking about futuristic prostetichs that can be controlled by the brain and then that lead to thinking about how nerves work in general. Don't worry, I won't bore you with my thoughts. Anyways, I shared my thoughts with my ex and he didn't respond. I don't want to date him again and I know he doesn't have to respond to everything I tell him but when we were dating, he used to love when I got all nerdy like that so I just figured he would be interested in my thoughts. And well, the no response really hurt. And the other guy on discord I like talking to, he doesn't really talk to me anymore. He said I could always talk to him if there was something on my mind. But being on 2 different continents separated by an ocean, our time zones don't line up. And it is really nice to know that if I am in an emotional crisis I can turn to him. But, the time zone issue means he may not be available at the time I would need him and in those moments of crisis, sometimes you act impulsively and may need support right at that moment.

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I also want to make close friends. The type that you talk to everyday. Maybe not like always super deep conversations, but just constant contact throughout the day, even if its just "omg look at this picture" or "hey, I thought you would like this". And well people over the internet aren't looking for close friends.

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Whatever. If I continue to talk, I'm probably just going to sound pathetic and whiny (even more so than I already have) so I'm just going to stop here. I will say though, with everything, I finally gave up socializing with people. This is the most I have shared with anybody in days and I only really did it as an update for anybody that might care. I'm done. Being lonely hurts but I'm just going to cry when I feel the need and then get back to my life. I am also just going to have to get used to do things I want to do alone.

shut cloud Apr 4, 2024, 6:25 PM

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So I don't want to call it a mess or a disaster or hell but my drive to class today was eventful. So I have mentioned I own a Honda element. It sits pretty high since its an SUV. Well the end of my street was flooded. I was just going to drive through the water, but when I get to the end of the block and get ready to turn, I see a fire truck blocking the road. Ok, guess I will turn around. Not very easy since its a resisdential road with a lot of parked cars. Two cars can't really pass each other so its common curtesy to pull into a gap slightly to create more room for a car heading towards you to pass. Well an idiot should have been able to see me turning my car around from the other end of the block because I was blocking the travel lane while doing a multiple point turn. Well a guy drives up the road and doesn't pull over to create room. He stops next to a parked car and as I finish my u turn I see him do the universal "what the fuck" hand motions drivers tend to do. Well there isn't much room for me to get by him and he wasn't backing up to an empty space, so I just have to squeeze by. Possible but its very very nerve wracking and there is no room for error. Thats why I said can't really pass earlier. Its possible but recommended against. As I am squeezing by my car mirror hits a parked car's mirror and causes the alarm to go off. So when I can, I pull over and walk back to the car to see if there is any damage. The mirror had some scratches but wasn't broken. Of course during this time the guy drives to the end of the road, sees that its flooded and backs up until he can turn around. Hope he was embarassed with himself for being rude about my turning my car around. He probably wasn't because he probably doesn't know I saw his angry "what the fuck. do you so this shit" reaction

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Anyway, so now I am running late but I am finally able to get going. I'm driving down another street. Its no a main thoroughfare or blvd or ave, but it is two lanes, and busy enough to have lights periodically. And its speed limit is higher than the side streets. Well I am behind a car that is going really slow. And i notice the driver is cleaning her glasses. And not like a quick wipe with a shirt or something. No, it was a full on spray with cleaner and very intentional and detailed cleaning with a cleaning cloth. She could have at least waited until she was stopped at a light, but nope, insisted on doing it while the car was moving.

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Also, today twice I had to wait for old slow people to cross the road. They did't specifically annoy me since they weren't doing anything stupid. It was just annoying that I was running late and today was the day I had to wait for slow pedestrians. Besides that, the rest of the drive to campus was uneventful. There is a street that isn't really a street. Like buses can drive on the street but cars aren't supposed to since its like a walking mall. The buses transport people along the mall since its kind of long. Anyway, there are signs saying no turning onto the street. I watched 2 cars turn onto the street.

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And just another random frustration. So I have some sort of digestive problems. Nothing diagnosed by a doctor but something I probably should be doing more about by eating healthier. Well I am also on nonstimulant adhd meds that cause constipation. So this makes things worse. But I started taking a fiber supplement every day and its has helped, not alot but it has helped so that I don't swing wildly from one side to another when going to the bathroom. But with these issues, when I have to go, I have to go. There is no holding it. Since I don't have a job and spend most time at home, this usually isn't a problem. But I have classes. Not usually a problem. But this semester I have one class where I keep having to leave class to use the restroom and sometimes spend like 30 minutes in the bathroom (the class is 2 hours long ). Like all the freaking time. Its embarrassing. Taking immodium before class helps. I forgot to take immodium this morning. So its happening again.

shut cloud Apr 4, 2024, 7:34 PM

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This is more for the engineers out there. In the class, we are starting on transfer functions and Bode plots. I already learned them at my old college, but I barely understood it then. And with me missing class, I won't understand them any better now. Well, at least I realized I was going to fail this class earlier and audited it. If only I had to thought the same way in my programming class. I just failed the last test because I missed the deadline (it was a take home test that was to be submitted on Canvas) and even if I didn't, I left 1 question blank because I spent too much time trying to get my code to work. Fucking hate tests in programming classes. I'm not dumb, just slow. I also don't have any learning disability. Don't think "I'm slow at solving hard problems" counts as a disability, its just probably proof I shouldn't be trying so hard to be an engineer

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I can't even do simple circuit analysis. Think Kirchoff's laws. Yea, thats why I can't do anything in this class. I can't even remember how to do the most basic things necessary.

shut cloud Apr 28, 2024, 2:21 AM

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Just a quick update. I met with my psychiatrist and was more honest about my mood this time. So he prescribed more Wellbutrin. Instead of extended release though, its quick release or whatever. This was because last time I went to the next dose of extended release Wellbutrin I got horrid Tinnitus. Like if things were quiet, the ringing was really really loud and intense. Was weird because it didn't hurt since there wasn't an external cause, but like because it was so loud, if it was due to noise, I knew it would have hurt my ears. So the quick release is an attempt at giving me a mood boost but not the tinnitus. Just the first week taking is so I can't say for sure if its working but I think it is.

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Then the reason I actually wanted to update. So our house is like 100 years old and was actually a very cheap crappily made house when it was first built so its not specifically crappy because its old. The age doesn't help. I mention this because we had raccoon's living in our attic, again. The entrance to the attic is in my twins closet (previously it was our closet, but now my older sister is the only successful adult child, she doesn't live at home so now I have her old room and my twin gets our room to herself). So my dad had to empty out the closet so the pest control guy could get into the attic. My mom decided it was a great time to make my twin go through old shoes and clothes and determine what to give away. Well an old diary of my appeared in the shuffle of crap. Well the usual silly childish entries (from when I was like 10). Then there is a jump of a few years where the entries are about a specific moment of my life. And in the middle of the entries, there are two simple drawings. One is stick figures. 1 stick figure has red hair and has an evil smile on her face. The other stick figure is dead, on the ground, in a pool of blood with scissors stuck in their head. Then the next picture is a much nicer attempt at drawing a human figure. Again, red haired girl. It was unfinished but I got far enough to draw the face and an arm holding a gun. And I will admit, that wasn't the first or only time I have made violent drawings or things. And I just want to say, I was a really fucked up child, for someone who never was physically or sexually abused, grew up in a middle class family. My parents weren't divorced, nobody in my family had been in an accident. I never witnessed any violence or accidents in real life (only on tv). There is no reason that I can see as to why I had such violent thoughts.

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And with how my life is turning out, all I see is more evidence that I am too fucked up to have friends or a romantic relationship; that yes, there is something wrong with me.

shut cloud May 1, 2024, 2:57 PM

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I just feel the need to talk about something that is bugging me and I don't trust anybody enough to feel like I can share my thoughts without being judged. So I believe I have made it clear that I live in the US. I don't know how big of news it is in other places, but there have been alot of protests on campuses across the US condemning Israel and its actions in the ongoing conflict. Last friday, the protest on my current campus (reminder, I am a non-degree seeking student taking classes while looking for a job (and no things aren't going well school wise or job wise)), was on the local news. The campus was closed, the roads leading to the campus were closed, there was a police presence, arrests were made and the mayor even showed up to talk to the protesters.

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The protesters are still there. I want to say this as best as I can: I DO NOT disagree with the right to demonstrate, I also DO NOT disagree with why they are protesting. I DO disagree with how they are protesting, if that makes sense. So the issue at my campus is that the protesters are camping on the campus, which is against the rules. The protest is led by a student group. They have said they know the rules but they refuse to comply until their demands are met. I also watched the protest live feed on Friday and I was really unhappy with the protesters pushing and blocking the cops as they were arresting people. And I feel like at this point, the protest is not as "non-violent" as people claim and that the actions of the protesters have overshadowed the reason for their protest.

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And this is where I feel conflicted. I was reading a few articles about the protests and they were all about how wrong the universities are and that the protesters are right, and I now I feel like a bit of a jerk. Again, I am not against people protesting, I firmly believe it is a right, but I feel like how people protest in modern times isn't right. Things may be considered non-violent because there are no weapons or looting or attacking or anything. But the protesters actively breaking rules, pushing cops who are just doing their jobs, getting physical with anybody, blocking traffic whether it is car vehicle traffic or foot traffic, seem to me to be relatively violent. Like with the encampments, the protesters not camping overnight isn't going to change things. Them camping on campus, knowing its against the rules, is not aiding their message. Like, its ok to go home at night, camping out isn't saving lives, you are just being a nuisance.

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Same with blocking traffic or pushing people. I find these actions violent and that the do more harm for the protests than good. I have said it before, I feel like the protests stop being about whatever they say they are protesting for. Its about people purposefully breaking rules, fighting back against "the man" or "the institution" just for the sake of it, and being as problematic as they can to others. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't really understand how important these protests are for the people protesting. Maybe I'm not as open-minded as I think I am. I am against the protests sweeping across the nation, not because of what they are protesting but because of how protests play out. I already struggle with so many conflicted feelings about life and all the political tension in the world today makes me not want to continue to be alive because I am tired of all the violence and frustrated with the egos of the leaders of this violence.

#Takizuzufu's Journal