sienna's diary
#sienna and bpd
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don't leave me alone in my thoughts and bpd bcs it doesnt mix well.
sienna and bpd
**hi! i’m sienna. welcome to my diary. i’ll write down something here everyday.
tw: eating disorders, self harm, depression, sexual assault, family issues, weight, seizures, friendship issues, minor, etc.**
12/11/23
Dear Diary,
*God, how i cant wait till my growth spurt finishes, i am eating so so much and i weigh 47.8kg which is so bad, i just want to go back to 37kg god help me. I think i could be relapsing into my depression again, but i don't understand how since i am on the mirtazapine tablets. I think its because of all the memories of my sexual assault is coming back to me and i just really need to tell someone, i am thinking of telling mum but i just don't know how? the anxiety is taking over me every time i try and tell her. There isn't much to say besides i might be relapsing. I don't want to hurt my mums heart again, so I'm gonna hide it from her if i end up relapsing.
Right now its 7pm i am on the couch supervising my mum as she sleeps making sure she doesn't have any seizures, i am planning on telling my mum either tomorrow or the day after. My mum is shaking a little bit, so i think she might be having some myoclonic seizures as she's sleeping.*
-By the failure of the world
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13/11/23
Dear Diary,
*I have to go to school today and i really don't want to, i think i could be relapsing. Its not fair, why cant i stay home from school forever. My friends hate me, my school only has 300 students so its not enough to make friends. I just want to be homeschooled.
Jesus diary my day so far has been horrible its the middle of the school day and omg so much bad things have happened to me so far. i had to spend my whole lesson trying to fix my stupid Spotify playlist and wanted to kill myself because of it. I literally hate my life a lot.. So its lunch and i haven't eaten all day, i have abandoned my friends again and i think i want to self harm tonight. Jesus diary my day so far has been horrible its the middle of the school day and omg so much bad things have happened to me so far. I literally hate my life a lot. So its lunch and i haven't eaten all day, i have abandoned my friends again and i think i want to self harm tonight, this day cant get any worse can it? my mum when she picked me up already saw i relapsed. What worse can it get. ffs.*
-I am so fat
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😭 🔪💔
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My Daily Thoughts
"your so fucking ugly why do you even try!?", "if you think im so damn mean wouldnt i just be better off without?"
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24/8/23
Dear Diary,
I can't believe I faked having depression last year. I actually now have it and it is not fun. Getting repeatedly asked "why do you want to die?" causing a panic attack and full-blown meltdown after hearing the question, running away from class so students office staff had to come get me, teacher and friends were extremely worried about me. THIS IS ONLY SOME OF DEPRESSION. I feel bad for my mum who has to witness me suffer and has never seen me genuinely affected by anything. I visited my GP today to see if I could get help and maybe get hospitalized. When he asked me the question again, I started crying. I have no idea why but it was so fucking embarrassing. The reason I want to die is because I feel like I would be better off without being on earth. No one would even notice I disappeared, no one would care, and the bullies would be so much happier so I’m actually doing them a favour. No more picking on me. I have cuts all over my arms and legs that I have done with many different sharp objects. I have no idea why but I actually find it fun. I find joy in doing it. That's the only thing that makes me happy. I wanna see blood so I am preparing myself so it doesn't hurt anymore. I want to cut an artery. I sound psychopathic, but it's true I want that to happen. I probably am psychopathic. Anyway, that's all for today's story. Thanks Diary for listening to my rant. 😄
-I am gonna kms
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14/11/24
Dear Diary,
*I have not slept all night its 2:11am and haven't slept at all. I am just laying in bed wondering why dad cheated and how i am going to tell mum about my sexual assault and other stuff relating to self harm. I am going to have to go to school today but i really don't want to, even after the meltdown i threw yesterday mum still chucked me in the car and i had to go to school, which sucks but i don't want to go to school not while i'm fucking depressed and shit. Anyway ill update more when its a bit later because its early
Well its the end of the school day, i talked to my friends about my sexual assault one of my friends burst out crying in my shoulder which was hard for me as this was a hard topic to discuss as it was, but we discussed ways to cope and how i could tell my mum, when i got in the car i FINALLY got the confidence to speak up to her today and finally told mum, it was really hard but it felt good because i got it off my chest. So im feeling proud of myself for that today. *
-Stupid idiot
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15/11/23
Dear Diary,
Today has been horrible so far i fucking hate my life, we have a different teacher for english our first subject of the day and she doesnt know im new and that i am still waiting on the english book notebook that we use for classwork, she fucking yelled at me and moved my desk in front of the class and everyone is looking at me and talking about me. I am trying to not cry and wanna die right now. its so unfair, everytime i throw a tantrum to not come to school something bad happens, and i just dont want to come to school anymore. I am home alone from today onwards everyday im scared im going to do something to myself. Its so unfair, she doesnt know im new, i havent been explained this topic yet and she fucking yells at me and puts me in the middle of the classroom and i have fucking severe social anxiety, depression/anxiety. NOT FAIR! i can sue her too which i might to be honest, its only 9:24 and i still have like a hour left of being in front of the class, god fucking help me i wanna die. Well right now i have to do a writing topic about a book i have no idea what to write, i want to just write about depressive stuff but we have to choose topics. My brain is not braining and i cant think of what to write.
Its almost end of class, i barely survived. i feel like this afternoon i might self harm or do something to myself., now that mums back at work and working again god knows what i might do to myself. So when class was over i went straight to the bathroom to cry it all out did anyone notice my pain??? NO!
*I looked down at my tie, i realized i had my new tie on today and not the one with the badges because i wanted to self harm in the bathroom all because of the teacher, i didnt wipe my tears away as i exited the bathroom and passed a friend, did she notice?? NO!!! did anyone even care at all???! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay so i went home, and get to spend the day at home, i didnt even make it through the school day, didnt even go to period 2! to be honest i would be better off dead, then here in this earth, im literally just a walking alien that is going about their day listening to peoples comments about me and being peoples slave and being tortured. I can't handle it anymore, this is slavery and torturer, to let an alien out of area 51 is torturer, i cant take it. When will someone kill me? i live in the most predatorious state and most highest state for criminals, someone take me away, shoot me, bomb the country, posion me, hypnotise me, anything please. i am home alone now and fucking hell i do not know what to do when i am alone with my thoughts, i self harmed already. The amounts of times i have a depressive episode and nobody seems to notice or even care, blanking out which is also a type of seizure of mine but no one cares that i am in a depressive episode, it hurts physically and mentally, i want to talk but i cant and i am pushing everyone away from me, and feeling paralyzed like you cant move so you just stare at the roof. I just want this pain to end, i think the only way is to kill myself, being alone in my thoughts is not fun i cant say im okay when really in my head its like every 1 second i get either a negative comment or a suicidal thought, and i want to act on them soo bad i cant do this any fucking longer, i ended up bursting out crying again whilst on call with a stranger and hung up then even worse after that too. 😭 *
-kill me already
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16/11/23
Dear Diary,
Welp, to start of my day today, i got yelled at by someone on discord because they thought i was talking shit about their girlfriend, when in reality i was giving her a compliment. He told me to fuck off and all this bullshit and crap so which really put me in a fucking mood for the day but i am not looking forward to school today, because our english teacher could be sick and if we have the same substitute teacher again today im just going to go to the bathroom for the whole lesson. Fuck that. Okay so far today has been good, but i got a weird look from my teacher in period 1 and she looked at my arms and said bye softly at the end of class so i think she noticed it, i then went to go borrow a jumper from student services cause like yeah. I want people to think im fine. I went to the bathroom alot today and self harmed and my whole arm is covered with cuts and burns. Okay so in class i kept having depressive episodes, and at recess and lunch, and lunch i have no idea why but a wave of sadness just hit me and i just want to die again. ffs i dont even know what to write for our english activity, i just want to write sad stuff.
So school finished and fucking hell my mum yelled at me and verbally abused me and said she doesnt love me and lost all respect for me because of the other day when i told her about my sexual assault and also my attitude whet downhill and apparently i'm not having manners and i'm zoning out which is part of my depression dissociation, she said she knows all about mental health!
Apprently not if shes getting mad at me zoning out!!! im fucking getting lost in my thoughts and having daily battles in my head mum for fuck sake. She said shes never talking to me again and i have to move out at the end of the week (3 days) and that i have to find my own way to school tommorow, she was really mean an i'm going to cut my artery i don't care anymore im going to do it because i don't care about life anymore i just want to fucking die, i was scared to cut my artery last relapse but now i don't even fucking care, i'm grabbing the box cutter and just fucking doing it man. She can come home from work tommorow and see me on the floor dead in a pile of blood i don't care, i will traumatise her for all i care. She stopped loving me so i will too. FUCK HER! i killing myself this week, i don't know when.
-lets cut this artery mf