hi! i’m layla. welcome to my diary. i’ll (try) to write down something here everyday.
tw: eating disorders, self harm
#layla’s diary ♡
proven apex
dear diary,
i know it seems a bit early to write this entry. it’s 9am. not a lot of my day has gone by but it feels like it has. i’m feeling okay, i guess, but i’m exhausted both mentally and physically. my mom gave me this heartfelt note last night because she knows i’m struggling and often walks into me crying, but it’s hard to understand why she loves me so much except “i’m her daughter.” it’s just not enough for me, because blood will never be a huge reason to love someone in my opinion.
i have been listening to music nonstop and i wrote a few poems as i woke up this morning. i miss my friends. or, well, former friends. two weeks ago i had to cut off some people from my life. they were not necessarily toxic friends, but there was some long history between all of us that i’m too tired to explain right now. that history kept crawling back every time i talked to any of them, like a ghost haunting me. it wasn’t fun at all. and they kept reminding me of it. i just needed some inner peace, and to fix some things between some of my friends.
so? i ended friendships. i thought i’d save myself.
but turns out, even with all the cutting off friends thing i did, some conflicts just weren’t resolved. now i can’t go to school without the ghost becoming larger every time i make eye contact with one of those people. they look at me so coldly. i can’t tell if i don’t care or not, because i feel nothing emotionally when i feel their gazes on me. i just shudder. my stomach twists.
i know this entry may be getting confusing by the way, considering how i haven’t described what happened in full detail. but i’d prefer to keep it private.
so, i’ve had doubts about these people for a while. i blame myself for a lot of things that happened, and so my sh habit of scratching got really bad a few months ago. it was when i needed to start therapy.
i just can’t believe how lonely and broken i feel without these people. they were my only friends, and even if it was for the better.
i even started cutting. i cannot wear short sleeves anymore. that’s okay with me, i guess. my cutest tops have long sleeves. but i really miss what i had, and there is no other way for me to think about things than “it’s all my fault. i shouldn’t have entered their lives. they shouldn’t have entered my lives.”
it’s hard to go on thru the day with these burdens, even if it’s only 9am
proven apex
dear diary,
sorry! i forgot to write yesterday, but i guess i’m feeling somewhat better because i’ve made some friends through this server already :> still though, i’m dreading going back to school on monday. because i have no one at school. i’ve been thinking of following journal prompts or something. It doesn’t seem like huddleverse has put any prompts for a long time so i might as well follow my own. but idk, i can’t commit to much. i always get tired of everything, in fact, as i am writing this entry i’m tired of the act of typing..
just noticed that it’s like i can’t even care about anything anymore because after a bit i think, “what’s the point? i’m going to die anyways” like no matter what i do it’ll never ever matter in the end.
i didn’t die when i was supposed to, and that never fails to make me even more miserable than ever because it’s like something wants me to be here when i don’t want to.
can’t i ever catch a break from life? even at night when i stay up, i am restless.. :<
proven apex
dear diary,
omg… i forgot to write for 2 days, i’m really sorry! DD: but i’m back now, i might have a little more time. i’ve been busy with school. lots of studying and homework. but, i feel like i’ve just been so out of it. everything is coming to me at once: loneliness, anger, depression, this feeling of wanting to be left alone but also conflicted by wanting someone, anyone to hangout with… it’s messy but i’m surviving
proven apex
dear diary,
i am very very exhausted already, it hasn’t even been a whole week. my mind is full of thoughts and it’s horrible. i keep reading all these poems in my free time and they crush me so bad because they tell the truth that is always stuck in my throat all the time. it’s not fair