Talking to myself

[rocky heron]

Guess I will give this a go, maybe I can organize my thoughts a bit

Kinda weird cause I know people can read this, not sure how to approach this

I guess I'll pretend someone's listening

I think i've slipped into a depression again, I don't feel like doing anything, don't feel like eating, i do because i have to. The whole weekend I've just been passing time till my next cigarette, i'm smoking way too much.
So many things have crossed my mind since last week, and I can't stop my self destructive thinking.

I got mad at a colleague because he pulled a stupid prank on me, I wanted to have a chat with someone and he saw that and told the person what to say, took awhile till i realized

I dunno why i got upset about it, i think its because the person then didn't even bother to start over with me

And then i was like ok well screw you guys, you dont wanna talk to me

Then i thought about it way too much, how this is pretty much my whole life, nobody really gives a shit, nobody talks to me unless i start the convo, or if they do its for their entertainment

I have this dreaded feeling that I don't belong anywhere, I remember my ex told me once I'm gonna die alone, I think she's gonna be right

I'm on the verge of accepting this even, but I don't want to

I think I'm living a tragedy, and its predetermined, it doesn't matter what I do

On one hand that gives me peace, on the other hand it makes me wanna cry

I've come to realize that i'm an INFJ, my personality only occurs in like 2% of the population, on top of that I have a speech impediment which makes it difficult for me to talk irl

Which is also very rare

I'm such a damn unicorn, it's no wonder nobody wants to be my friend

Now i'm writing all of this in a server i joined today, dont even know why

I wish life was a game where i could just respawn

With different cards dealt to me

But its not possible, and i can't quit it because i know its not in me, even though it crosses my mind in a sense

My best bet is that I got sent here on a mission, and it's my task to endure this meaningless life for some reason above me

Sounds crazy but it gives me peace thinking that

I've saved someone else from the brink of destruction

I forget that sometimes

A very nice lady always calls me an angel, and my name actually means god sent

Maybe its true

I have way too much patience with people, and i'm way too nice

Nice guys finish last

It really is true

I keep pondering what to do

From the outside, i got everything i need, i got it better than some people

And yet it feels like I'm missing so much

Till high school i was a normal kid

Then i started to become an outcast, where I was one of the kids who had issues and needed to be placed in groups with other kids who had issues

"These are kids like you, maybe you can be friends with them"

I didn't want anything to do with it back then, and i still don't

I don't wanna be special

I want to be normal, and hang out with normal people

But normal people have better things to do

And i'm not gonna change so, guess i'm alone

What doesn't help is i always sabotage myself

There's things i'm good at, like my job, some people live for their job, but even though i like it, its no fulfilment

Got family, they love me and im lucky for that but, its family

Got some money, but who cares, got nobody to share it with

Maybe it was better if i was born in a harsher place, so i would actually have problems

Then again my problems are on the inside, nobody even knows i constantly feel alone and depressed

It's just all so dumb

and pointless

But hey, tomorrow we're gonna go to work again with a smile on our face

And tell everyone i had a good weekend

Cause no one has time for this bullshit

[rocky heron]

Guess i'll write a bit here again

still feel pretty much the same, meaningless and lonely

it's hard to tell if i'm okay or not, i think i've been depressed so long that i don't even notice it anymore

a psychologist once told me that i seem like i'm fine with all of this, this was long ago and i was already a loner back then

but i'm not, it's just that i'm able to keep going and turn my mind off, i can be okay for awhile but it can change very quickly

managed to open up a bit to someone at work who had really bad anxiety in the past and knows what its like to struggle mentally

i was really quiet for a couple days

and he was the only one who stopped by me and asked what's going on

nobody else gives a shit

we talked for a bit and he said at one point, the problem is my intelligence and the way you seek connection with other people

like him, i dont care for trivial conversations, i dont care for talking about the weather or how good the food was at the restaurant you've been at in the weekend

i seek a deeper connection, and i cannot find the people

which i kinda already knew to be true

thats why i go online and talk to people

but its not the same for me

and it comes with its own problems, that cause me to get pretty anxious and insane

i don't handle that very well, and i get suspicious about everything i notice really fast

and i notice a lot

wish i could live in ignorance, ignorance is bliss they say

i dunno how i got like this

i guess cause i don't take people caring about me or wanting to talk to me for granted, its unusual to me

thats how messed up i am

it's like there must be something wrong with them

or theyre just pretending

or do it out of pity

over the course of the past week, i can feel my mind getting darker

i can feel this resentment growing in me towards the world and people who seem to have everything i don't

and who are playing recklessly with it

not realizing what they have

i don't wanna have these thoughts, its so toxic

but i cant help it because i know there's truth in it

people really don't realize what they have until they lose it, and i can't even get it

wish i could just be someone else for a day to know if my feelings are justified or not

wish i could just disappear and start over really

but then i wouldn't know how this unfolds and i kinda wanna know

i wanna know how the story of me ends

maybe it has a good ending

or maybe i'll die alone

[rocky heron]

i sometimes think i got nothing going for me

im the skinniest guy everywhere i go

have been all my life

and ppl openly find it hilarious

still, when im 34

other adults laugh at this

its not okay to make fun of fat ppl, or skinny girls, why is it so funny when guys are skinny?

why is it necessary to remind me that they can beat my ass

bunch of fucking losers

of course i also stutter, still at 34

but most ppl dont know cause i try to hide it

some ppl found out awhile ago at work

in particular one woman

now, there's been some occassions where we have somewhat of a discussion

or she asks me something

then i answer, and i pause between sentences cause i dont wanna stutter

and i just see her face turning into a smirk

her eyes say everything

its like "oh now hes gonna stutter"

"yea? go on"

i just wanna grab her head and smash it on the table to be honest

why do i have to put up with these so called adults

fuck this shit

i dont know why this is my life

often ppl think im just stupid because i cant talk properly

other times they think its okay to make fun of, just like how im skinny

why do i have 2 things going on for me where ppl think its okay to laugh at

i sometimes think i'd rather be in a wheelchair

cause then at least im not expected to be normal

and some ppl think its only children that stutter

or they just dont know shit about it

1% of the world population has this

why am i in this 1%

and without luck

god hates me

i went to this group therapy once to learn a method that was supposed to get you over it

or to give you the tools to speak fluently, basically learning a new way to speak

and the woman asked us one time

how many of you think you'd be different people if you didn't stutter?

couple of us said yea me, some said no

and she was like really trying to get it into our heads that we'd be exactly the same

i've never heard something more stupid in my life

a disability like this and it's not gonna change who you are, or your life?

what a load of crap

every day, the most normal things in the world for other ppl are way harder for me

and nobody gives a shit, they barely even research it

i got told once when i was looking for a job

that i should do something about my speech issue

just do something about it

like oh i never thought of that in my 24 years of living with this, dumbass

and then i live in the country with some of the most benefits you can get when you have a disability

not mine tho, of course not

i can go fk myself

i cant help but laugh when i write this

i cant believe this is still my life

[rocky heron]

nothing is more annoying and makes me feel more defeated than when people offer me "help" in their own way. to be more confident when speaking, to go workout and get bigger, to raise my voice, to relax, blablabla.. and it's always the same shit, it's not to help me, it's a way for them to tell me if i don't do what they say, if i don't take these tips really go for it, and if i don't go workout and give it my fullest 100%, give it EVERYTHING i've got

well then i'm just a whiny little bitch and everything about me is my own fault, and i don't want anything to change, cause if i did then i would listen to them

god these fucking people

i wish they could be me one day, or any other than them for that matter

cause it's always coming from people that had the most luck in the world

it's so exhausting to listen to them

and i get it, the point is it's better to think something is your own fault so that at least you can do something about it

or to think something is in your control

but it isn't, not in my case

what the hell do i do about it then?

its like again, even with this i fall between two stools

just like everything else