May contain: SH, intrusive thoughts, cursing (lots prolly) and other stuff
#BeanZ's Journal
unkempt wraith
Today honestly was nice, everyone seemed to be in a good mood which helped, i got to go out and trade some comic books for a funko pop and figure of my favorite characters at this cool comic book store and ive been working on lots of edits lately. Im surprised today was acually over all good because normally when i have a good day it gets ruined by something by the end, but yeah nice day. besides my constant emotional ruin thats like always in the back of my head, twas a good 8.5 even 9/20 day :3
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unkempt wraith
Idk today was just another day. im tired and numb and barely worked on anything. i tried a rubber band on my wrist to help with my fucking skin picking and it did nothing and i had my leg bleeding again, like it is impossible to fight myself ive been doing it since i was like 8 and now its just worse and i have scars all over my legs, little dots and shit and im just getting more and i hate them but i cant stop.
I also realized my friends, my only irl friends, that ive known for dead ass 10 years, are fading away. everythings crumbling and i hate it. I hate myself for how much i mess up every day and can never get better no matter how much i try and im just really tired of this. ill say im tired of it, and ill say it tommorrow, and in a week, and in a month, and in a year but nothing changes ever. ive tried so much and it just gets worse and im so fucking tired anymore. Im moving, and i thought "hey, im moving to a much better place" but will it help with my rampant fucking dermatillomania? no, will it help with thoughts? no. nightmares? no. like i just want to fucking scream and roll around on the floor like a god damn toddler until my voice breaks anymore.
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This post has alot of cursing and like rude stuff and like angry shit and like me wishing bad on some people i met? idk
everyone i feel like i can talk to is fading and i cant handle losing any more friends. whats those FUCKING ASSHOLES did has ruined me so much. if they hadnt snuck their ways into my fucking heart and mind and then torn me apart and traumatized me to where now i get a fucking panic attack if a number i dont know calls me so much would be better and ||i hate them so fucking much i hope they fall in a ditch and break every bone in their lying manipulative rumor spreading bodies i hate them.|| and now my only real friends are fading and i have no one and my brain is useless and cant express anything and i hate it
Like.
I cant even think about these things because my brain fuzzes all the thoughts and i cant grab on to anything and when i try to express it all my mind is is like wanting to fucking scream and i cant think anything else +................................................................................+
But hey its thursday and the new Loki episode was good so it doesnt matter
unkempt wraith
So. Today has been one of the worst fucking days in months. i want to jump out of a fucking window or hit myself because i swear to god i cant fucking handle this.
One, woke up late and tired because i couldnt sleep and when i did i had nightmares. already off to a great start
two had no motivation to do any work so i had to force myself to do the smallest thing.
I worked on a drawing for a while, and after not even talking to my friends for a few weeks decided to text them and be like "hey look what i drew" and i got nothing but blank fucking responses, and then just got ignored.
My dad had a horrible day and im not going into like detail because i dont need all that on here but it was bad.
my dog was so scared of the machine noises from the work on the house she hid under my bed and would whine if i went away from her so i had to stay with her for hours.
Didnt get to eat until 8 when my mom got home cause it took her a long fucking time to get to the place, only to have to wait and hour for them to make the food even though it should have been done a while ago, and then an hour for her to get back.
But hey! i thought i would be lucky, because i ordered something from amazon i had been waiting to buy forever, and now aiting over a month to deliver and it said it was coming early! only to find out amazons page was hacked and i was sent a FUCKING SCAM so the one thing that had me fucking happy stimming and waiting a month for on end, checking the status every day, and spent all my money on, was a fake because of some peice of shit chinese hacker shipping company.
oh, and all i ate was a small bagel thing in the morning and then a dinner i couldnt finish eating ceause i had to appetite.
my mom wasnt mad at me because of the scam but was stressed because she had a HORRIBLE day to. her fucking work had a fire, there were a bunch of accidents and then the food bullshit, so she was already mad and yelling (not really at me) but i was still trying not to cry because
i didnt want her to feel bad.
THEN got yelled at because my phone keeps using data i didnt know about
i tried to stop picking again today but guess the fuck what, im bleeding again and the fucking rubber band did fuck all and i hate myself and i swear to god i am trying so hard not to hit myself or bang mysekf into something or throw my phone and laptop across the room im SO FUCKING DONE
and no one cares
no one knows
im onyl writing here for some fucking reason even though i know no one reads these
||i am trying so fucking hard right now not to break anything including my own fucking skull||
i swear to god im so tired
why cant i have anything
i cant even have a little silly mask i waited months for because its the only thing that makes me even slightly happy anymore
i havent laughed really in months
i can barely even cry anymore
theres so much and writing this is stupid because no one even reads this or cares or notices and yeah
i really hate myself and this fucked up world
I dont know
i really dont fucking know anymoe
\I must be gods middle child or something because all my life is now is fucked up crying and mental ruin and i hate it
I hate it i hate it i hate it
unkempt wraith
Oh my god. im acually at a breaking point. everything in my life is crumbling apart. I am so fucking depressed i cant sleep or eat without feeling sick, im a useless peice of shit who is to demotivated to do anything and is behind in school. my friends are leaving me, and it turns out the only people i thought i would have forever, well he considers me a "backup" friend. im so behind in everything and there is to much going on and i cant focus and cant have happiness in anything and im so done, ive acually cut myself for the first time and now its another scar because i kept picking at it. I mean i cant even talk to anyone, ill tell my parents and they act all nice for a week and then go back to calling me lazy and being the same, i cry every fucking night and when i do sleep its nightmares about being tore apart or watching the people i care about die, when im awake i want to split my skull open or tear myself apart. the smallest things make me want to cry but i cant anymore. i am such a useless fuck and i hate myself, but no matter how much i do i can never get better, i never change, i ruin everything and piss off everyone. i mean, im writing this shit in a stupid fucking server because i dont have anyone to talk to
my parents just think im lazy when really all i think about is want to do is have a night where im not up because im crying and having nightmares
I feel so fake like im so nice to evrryone
By being other peoples anchors im fucking drowning
and i really cant handle this
to everyone else im just the happy haha funny therapist friend