i mean at least theres a break in the middle?
#Abyss' Journal
keen marten
actually then it comes out to 7 and a half hours
with a break in the middle
ugh
idk how im gonna surivove today
everything feels so exhausting
i just wanna sit at home and do homework
tune out to a podcast and just do some maths or smth
im so tired
i cant do this
ugh
idk how im gonna survive today
keen marten
idk still feel kinda miserable but almost just like zoned out now
keen marten
so ive been wasting my past two days
lol
but hey whatever
i did something
completely pointless
but whatever
anws
updates from today
friend drama
idk whats going on
will figure it out tmr
i think we're pitching pj day to the principal tmr
i have my geo marks sitting here
and didnt even check
maybe i'll check now
and i lost my calculator
its labled so its fin
fine
im pretty sure it'll make its way back
butu rn
its just like ugh
i think im losing it
like istg it was in my arms with my books
i return to my backpack
and its suddney gone
not where i last left it
ugh
anws
hope it comes back tmr
we have a prefect planning day on wednesday
and i asked if i could go to class for a period
im starting to regret it now
its gonna make it look like a slacker
and this morning i was so confident i didnt wanna miss maths
but now
im starting to feel really stressed about what i need to prioritise
and today in general felt like an off day
i was like tense and fidgety and ready to go away all day
maybe its just monday's tho
should i check my marks?
ig so
i think at the end of the day
i dont really care anymore
like this teacher is just never gonna give me good marks
and i need to prep for maths tmr
and we need to film for english
idkkkk
im so lost
i feel like im gonna implode
yk
i just dont know how we're gonna get everything done
in time
and im kinda over it
but now my maths is gonna start counting fr
whatever
ugh ato
atp
alr
i better check my marks
okay 14/15
thats like my best hsie mark all year
not very useful feedback tbh
but whatever
it means if i do really well on this coming exam
i can be in the running for first place
brilliant \
keen marten
ugh i feel kinda in the dumps now
keen marten
i feel so bad
whats going on
i feel like crying
what wrong with me
i need to snap out of it
i have a peefect life
with a perfect family
perfect friends
a good bed
good food
an education
opportunity
life
without any bad cards
and i still feel like thia
ive been feeling especially guolty recently
i cant anymore
:(
keen marten
i feel so freaking bad rn
its not at the tipping point yet
but its getting pretty flipping closw
UGHHH
everything is just wrong
wrong wrong wrong
im an idiot
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE EVERYTHUNG ABOUT ME
everything doesnt make sense
im so sick and tired
i think ive peaked
i fail at everything
everythung i touch falls apart
i cant do this anymore
im gonna chuck myself off a cliff istg
keen marten
when did i get so bad at starving myself
i used to be so good at finidng ways to skip meals
and not letting people catch on
now i just feel awful
like look awful
i need to restrict again
i feel like i was healthier then than i am now
keen marten
i hate that im such a stupid push over
just beacuse my friends wanted to that one
i had to follow them
i knew what i wanted to do
so strongly
and as soon as i said it
they weren't interested and i followed them
i regret it now
im gonna see if i can swap and do what i truly want
but idk
ughhh
i hate myself so much
i need to stop being such a stupid people pleaser
UGH
keen marten
i wasnt doing amazing today but i was managing
until one person said one thing and now i feel derailed
i hate that
i hate that one think can throw me off
ugh
keen marten
im wondering whether or no i should log back into reddit
i havent touched it in months
mainly because i used to spend so much time scrolling thru triggering contennt
idk
keen marten
i feel kinda overwhelmed and just domt wanna thunk
keen marten
i feel like i get really clingy to the wrong people
andi distance from people i shouldnt
i dont understand myself
i cant i function normally
ugh
and omg
yesterday
i almost told someone abt being a cutter
istg i nearly spat it out
they have sh’d too
but like that woulda been rlly goofy
thank god i kept my mouth shut
like thats so embarrassing
i still kinda wonder what woulda happened if i did tho
ugh
keen marten
okay lowkey pissed at my friend
she needs to get her priorities in check
she knew she was gonna be away the next few days
and tofay was our last chance to get things organised
and still she wanted to proritise other things
im just so annoyed
like i understand that ur hungry and needa eatv
but come on
PRIORITIES
like tbh
10 minutes
even half an hour wont kill you
and we NEED to get this done
i dont understand
like im just kinda pissed
and now im gonna be worrying abt this nowb
ughhhh
i dont know
whether other ppl are just not anxious and up tight like me
or what
but come onnn
this is stupid
keen marten
i need to stop
why do i feel so sad
abt not being in it
when i didnt want to
ughhh
im so stupid
i feel like im getting to the cutting boiling point
ugh
keen marten
i feel so sad wth
keen marten
i had the chance to reach out today and i threw it away
im so mad at myself
we were waiting for smth
and my english teacher was like
how are u going
and i kinda didnt really say
because ig a couple weeks ago i mentioned it?
idk i shoulda said smth
and like especially in that moment i was drowning so hard
ugh
keen marten
ive got a headache and its so annoying
keen marten
my head is throbbing and maths makes no sense
ugh
ugh havent finished these and theyll likely be on the exam
keen marten
finished 2 topic tests
chpater 12 and 1
and i think i did okay?
it took me all period but i finished it?
idk
anws
i feel kinda sad and down
idk why
its just like recently has either been like restless, dont feel right badness
or sad
i feel so sad rn
whats going on
i just feel so heavy
i want someone to ask and care
but like idk
no one does
idk whether thats because i just pretend so well
or what
but yeah
online friends ask
but irl its harder ig
keen marten
i dont wanna go to work :(
keen marten
lowkey so ready to work somewhere else
but anws
in the mean time
i finished 3 excerises today
yay
3.03, 3.04 and 12.04
ik they were easy and short
but hey
its progress
and anything is a win atp
keen marten
okay im gonna rlly lock in for these maths tests
ive figured out how i wanna split my time
so im happy
thats for today
imma check in tonight to see how it all goes
and i wanna watch this change
keen marten
today wasnt too bad but i feel bad now
idk whyb
im gonna try not to feel ao down
but alson
i got really like animated at some point today
after that
i felt like i could be down after thatv
yk?
ugh
keen marten
my test is in a week
i said this time
i swear it'll be different
im just as stupid and lazy as ever
i hate myself
keen marten
i need to flipping pull myself together for this stupid test
im so scared im gonna fail
keen marten
i wish i could help the people around me
but i dont know how to help myself
let alone make a start on helping someone else
keen marten
i dont know whats going on
but i feel like right now is crisis mode for everyone
like
i feel like so many people around me are like suffering with their mental health
like today i saw one of my relatively (what i thought to) be mentally well and stable friends sitting in the wellbeing office and taling with the student support officer
to be fair
i didnt hear what they were talking about
but the kid was sitting down
and looked pretty deep in convo
and if its just a quick pit stop it prolly wouldn't look like that
and i just feel like so many people around me are falling
i dont know whats going on
this is like the worst mental health sorta year ive seen for so many people
my friends are casually just dropping that they're feeling depressed today
and its so awful
that its just become their every day lives and is so casual for them
to just say that they feel down
and i feel like
beforei hit my lows
i would've been super concerned
now its just like
yeah same
and i wish i could help
but i dont know how to
i would really like to do something in my role as prefect
i know that so many of us are slipping thru the cracks
i hate the way my schools mental health system works tbh
the counsellor sucks balls at her job
she genuinely deserves to be fired
i know its been 2 years
but i'm still not over it
because at the time i needed help the most
i didnt recieve it
and i feel like if i had gotten propper help then
this might be different now
and okay
even she didnt suck at her job
the school just prioritises the 'naughty kids'
like i know and understand that they need help to
but its like
their focus is on the >10% of kids
when so many of my academic, achieving, well rounded peer
are literally dronwing and dying
and i understand
we cant reach out for help
our reputations matter
and theres no one there to tell us otherwise
im so angry and sad that this is what things are like rn
keen marten
wow i hate myself
keen marten
ive been think over for a while whether i wanted to return to huddle
i feel like this was a place that i trusted and depended on mental health wise more than anything ot anyone else in my life
i joined this server (wow) 3 years ago
in some of my worst days at that point
i came here for the supprt i couldnt get in my real life
it was for a variety of reasons
it was because of the people who really wanted to help but didnt know how to and sometimes made it worse
it was because of the absolutely awful mental health professionals thats made me lose hope in the system
it was because of the friends that wanted to help but have their own garbage to deal with
ig it was reaching out and nobdy knowing what to do with me or how to help me
this is how i can explain how much this server meant to me
it saved me more times than i can even count
in the past year, the server changed drastically
people came and went
it was becoming a different place
i think i retreated a bit when i realised that many of my friends had moved on
but still the server was here for me
whether i was venting or journalling or just reading other ppls experiences to feel less alone
it was always here for me
until one day it wasnt
i woke one day, one of those days where you need to let it out before you can keep moving
i went to find my journal
only to find it gone
not just my journal
but everyones journals
every channel
every message ive ever sent
everything gone
the confusion morphed into anger and hurt
it wasnt fair that something that was carrying so many was just taken away like that
how could everything be there the night before and be gone the next
i still dont know what happened
i dont know whats going on with viaano but i hope he is okay
but i genueinly feel so hurt by what has happened
i feel like a huge level of trust was broken
not just for me
but for everyone
and for the mods who apparently had no idea what happened either
i guess what i wanted to say is that
i was and am super upset that it happened
im still upset that its not resolved yet
however
i feel like i really do need this place
so i want to stay
and see what happens when all is done
i hope huddle can bounce back
i guess now that that has been said
i hope i can use this journal again
its really helped me when i had no where else to turn to
i feel like i lost this journal in a kind of important time
right in the middle of exams and holidays stuff and everything
its sucks that a large portion for that period is largely undocumented
ive always treated this journal as a way for me to see how my mental state has changed both in the short term and long term
keen marten
im not sure why but i feel sorta sad rn
maybe its just rn i hope so
i feel like weirdly lonely but guilty and sad and just down ugh
and im planning to set my quiting path into action
i plan to stop working by the end of febuary
my parents are sorta making me
but at the same time im ready to go
there were times where things were okay
and it was alr
but it honestly caused more negative emotions than positive ones
im ready but not ready to quit
tbh i like working
but not here
but parents think its time to stop and focus on studies
ig its fair
i kinda bombed things last term
but i feel at the same time
its embarassing that im quiting
when everyone else is still working and tutoring and doing sports and everything
i feel so weak for this
idk
im ready to let go of this one
but i dont wanna stop working
i just wanna go somewhere else
alr im gonna go try do some maths
ive done like none these entire holidays
ugh
keen marten
uh i quit
i should roughly be allowed to go by end of feb
idk how i feel rn
i think it hasnt set in yet
keen marten
im so confused and i dont know how i feel
idk why but i dont wanna quit anymore
i waited so long for this day
and now im like
what if i dont wanna
11:11
i just feel mixed up
and idk how it came around
but she was basically like
ur parents are lucky
your a good kid
you don't rebel and your very yk
and idk
rn especially recently i've felt so awful and guilty and bad abt myself
and yeah idk
sometimes i need someone to help snap me out of iit
it obviously isn't the holistic solution
but i need to hear it ig
i hate myself :(
i started my chain up again properly now tho
keen marten
i started my chain up again properly now tho
i realise idk if i explained it
i think i did ages ago
when i first started it
anws
every day
i make a chain
the colour of the paper is how im feeling thta day
and then i write the date and the highlight from that day
that’s as of yesterday
anws
just wanted to come and write a little about today
i think from more on i’ll try to journal a bit everyday if possible
i feel better now
but today was weird
my brain just felt so off
i was like irritable and sad and tired and wanted to be alone
idk why
but i had a good day
onwards to tmr
alr time to sleep now
keen marten
i feel like the past 2 days havent been bad
i havent felt especially bad
nothing bad has happened
but at the end of the day
it just didnt feel like a good day
or even an okay day
i dont know why
its kinda frustrating
it’s like what is this weird limbo
anws im lowkey excited to go back to school
i feel like one school hits i’ll miss holidays lol
but i’m excited to learn
i know it sounds bad
but i genuinely enjoy learning
i hate the assessment aspect of school
but i love to ask questions and think deeply about things
idk
i feel disappointed
that i can’t be someone who goes out of their way to learn
i wish i could be someone who enjoys watching educational videos and reading nonfiction books for fun
but i’m not like that
it makes me sad
that this means i don’t have the drive or passion or determination to be someone
i wish i did
i hate that so little of my life has passed yet i feel like i’ve messed everything up
i feel sad for younger me who has potential
i feel like everything is messed up
i’ll never be someone special
i’ll never mean anything to the world
people will forget about me
idk
i’m tired
i should sleep
i feel like i’m just a bad person in general
and i feel really really really ugly
r especially these past few days
i hate so much about myself
i’m trying hard to fix my posture now
the brace is so uncomfortable
my whole body is so sore and stiff afterwards
but i think i need to try harder
i don’t want to have bad posture
it’s not an active decision
but it’s been like that since i was super young
i don’t know whether it’s genetic or my spine is just crooked
i’m not sure
idk
i’m gonna keep trying
and i need to stop eating
all i do is balloon
i promise once i go back to school i’m gonna restrict as much as i humanly can
it’s bad
but i need to
this works it into the next segway
i’m worried for my sister
bc she’s totally restricting
and i’m getting so stressed
she blacked out ir fainted whatever
and the same thing happened to me
and i don’t want this to be the start of something
it’s not like super super bad atm
but ik the spiral
ugh
i need to say smth but idk when
or how
i feel like i’ve been so awful to my siblings
i feel like my irritability has gone way up recently
it’s making me snap and get mad so much more often
i’m just trying to think back to two years ago
how my chaos must’ve looked for them
i was full on losing it at the time
i think the past year i was able to keep things under wraps
but idk
i was talking to my english teacher
and she was like
ur so much happier and more confident this year
and i’ve been thinking abt that lot
i think last year
i had less bad days
they were less intense
and further apart
but like overall
idk if i feel happier
but it’s good that i seem better
i realise now how embarrassing and ridiculous i must’ve seemed the past few years
im so disgusted at younger me
i need need need to keep up this perfect reputation now
idk
ig maybe you’ll figure out how it segways later me
but
i have this friend
and the past year
i frel like we keep disagreeing om things
like everything i say seems to go against her views
which doesnt make sense
at all
because we usually agree on everythimg
but like recently she just seems to keep making me pissed
like i domt understand
maybe im hust jealous
but i genuinely feel like ots so hard to talk to her sometimes
im not sure how this year will pan out
i just feel like she disagrees woth everything i say
idk
im just so confused now
ig the other thing is that i feel she’s the dominant one in our friendship
i go along with everything she says
and that’s sorta how it’s always been
i feel second best
shes smarter and more athletic and talented amd everything compared to me
i feel like people just like her more than me
i get it
i’m a rubbish person to be around
but it just feels so unfair sometimes
how she can ask the same teacher the same questions and we get two vastly different answers
idk
idk where this is going
but ig
im just pissed that she keeps disagreeing with me and just makes it impossible for me to think something else because i get shut down so fast
alr i need to sleep now
gn
keen marten
cant sleep 😭😭😭
but ig its not like super bad atm but i wish i was pretty :(
im so fat and ugly amd i wish this wasnt the case
i need to sleep i have work tmr 😭😭😭
keen marten
i think its the exhaustion but i just wanna bawl my eyes out
standing up for 6 straight hours is no fun
im so tired
ans i have to work consecutively on monday and tuesday too
im so tired
i know its not that bad
but im so tired
i literally feel like crying
what going on
why an i so unregulated
its not fair
why are my friend and i carrying 4 shifts each out of 10
and we’re noy even together
its not fair
and im so tired
keen marten
back to work tmr :(
2 more straight days of slaving away
i’m tired
at least i get a break tmr
12-6 with no breaks is so exhausting
time goes by sonquickly at home when i have so much to do
and stretches forber. at wprk
ugh
keen marten
finally finisheddd
im so drained
imma have a shower and hope that it regenerates me or smth 😭
keen marten
i feel like i had auch a good day but my brain is being difficult rn
im just gonna try sleep
keen marten
im just thinking
is anyone my number 1?
i feel like theres no one who i am their number one for and they’re my number one
talking abt friends
i feel like i have close friends
but i dont rlly have anyone who i would tell everything to now
this is such a stupid spiral
just because someone else had a meetup without me doesnt mean they hate me
but still
now im super sad thinking about
i pushed away my number ones and then they grew closer
its my fault but ugh
it was just that those 2 were around so many other people and some days thats was too overwhelming for me
and yeah
it wasnt becauae of them but i ended up pushing away anyways
i hate myself
i dont have a bestfriend anymore
and ig the other thing is
i was thinking
and rn i dont want this or anything at all
but like the idea of one day finding someone seems so hard
like will anyone wanna put up and deal with me for the rest of their life?
like my family is my family forever
its mutual and unconditional both ways
friends are friends
they stick around have fun but ig eventually go offb
but the other thing is just like
im too messy and picky and annoying and megative and i dont hqve enough redeeming qualities
to make me a good prrson
i hate myself so much right nwon
keen marten
i miss my scars
theyre still there
but fading i hate that their fading
i havent cut in a while
and now im kinda scared
but i miss having dark scars
which i know is bad
but omg i want my scars to not fade
keen marten
why am i so ugly
keen marten
im so ready to go back to school
but omg i need to finish the maths
i don’t think im gonna finish in time
i had a meltdown over maths 2 nights ago 😭😭😭
but fresh head
i’m gonna try again
keen marten
i have no idea why this has been a running theme in my head all of a sudden
i think its just seeing everyone hanging out and doing things on social media
lowkey its bc im too busy with my job tho
but i feel so lonely now
like everyone is going out and everything
and like with their besties
and taking cute photos and having fun
i feel like i chose to go down this path and now im stuck here
i have no social life outside of school
and im so obsessed with the fact that i have no number one person
like how does everyone have such a close friend or group of friends
i feel like i dont have that
ugh
keen marten
i’m tired and i know i should get up to do things
but i lowkey just wanna sleep
or just lie here
and i have stupid work today
i hope this is not another episode
keen marten
i am so frustrated rn
ive sat here for like 3 hrs
to do like half of one
this doesnt make sense
and now i have to go to work
i hate working at night
its just so late
and ugh
keen marten
i feel like this one friend just is over me
and they just don’t wanna admit it
like i see that they’re hanging out with other ppl and are posting online but not responding to my texts?
idk
and like that sorta asked to do smth
but i feel like its out of like guilt rather than genuineness
im overthinking it
bah
and another thing is
this other friend
picked several of the same subjects as me
these were subjects that i have expressed interest in and been passionate about for ages
and they picked them too
like free will
but at the same time
im scared that i can try my best
and i’ll still fall short
and it just feels like
i wanted this sand now i feel like i dont have a chance to make it my own
i feel like whatever i do, they do better than me
and it sucks bc ik i shouldn’t feel that way
i should be happy
but i just feel like
for once
i want to do something on my own
un impeded
yk?
idk
i need to sleep
i have 7hrs to sleep now
what am i doing
i need to work an 8hr shift
why am i not sleeping
i’m gonna work more than i sleep 😭
okay gnn
keen marten
putting this here for the lols
finsihedast shift ever with my friend :((
doesnt feel real
i hate that things are changing so much :(
keen marten
ahhhh i quittttt i sleep for 8+ hrs and go to bed at a reasonable
why am i STILL TIRED
UGH
keen marten
back to school tmrrr
im excited
i think im ready to get back into the structure and swing of things
tbh i dont rlly wanna see ppl tho
idk
it just sounds overwhelming
and i have work after school as well
which is annoying
but whatever
and i still have so much maths left to finish
im starting to feel like people dont really like me
and dont want to talk to me
idk
keen marten
i cant sleep 😭😭😭
im lowkey excited
and im hapyp im excited
the past few years have been hard
this year im so ready
ans im happy i got mostly the teacgers i wanted
and wverything seems like its gonan be okay
and its gonna be my year
im a prefect
i got the subjects i wanted
and yeah
im gonna try hard
keen marten
yay yesterday was good
i had fun
and it was so nice to be back
but idk i just woke up and had a mini anxiety attack
its not that deep but i just woke up and my stomach did the thing and my breathing went all funny
this is not how i wanna start things
i think my first thought was oh i have maths 😭
i just havent done enough work
but this is not good
i havent woken up like that in a while
keen marten
okayyy im alr
ive found my bearings
im happy
but i want it to be monday again 😭😭😭
schoool is wo mych mire fun when u can do the subjects u rlly like
ig last year
my favourite subjects were few and far between
now no more pe yayyy
and even tho my commerce teacher was nice
i wasnt learning
now im so happy i finally get to learn
keen marten
why do i just feel so lonely and sad rn
i feel like idk i need a bsf or smth that i can just vent to
and idk give me a hug
why do i feel like this??
i hate it
its so stupid
im just craving some sort of relationship that i can figure out
i need i rlly do just need a friend to fill in the gap
why do i feel so lonley
why do i feel like this rn
keen marten
i dont want to work tmr
i want to be at home
im just hit with so many bad thougths rn
i feel so ugly and stupid
i feel like everyone around me is excelling in sowmthing
or theyve done something amazing
theyve topped im academics
or sports
pr musicallly
or just anything
i feel so stupid and dumb and ugly
i hate myself
i want to bawl my eyes out
i hate this
why does my mood flip around so much
i just suddenly feel like i realised that ill not have my english teacher ever again
and today i was like oh thats so sad
whyy
someone needs to whack my brain
ahhhh
i dont wanam work
i wanan go to schoooll
and hw clubb
why do i feel like crying right now
i hate myself so much
its just so strong right now i dont know what to do
i want to cut again
and i hate myself even more now that i realise its probably just because i want attention
ugh
stupid stupid stupid rat
keen marten
i feel like idk i need a bsf or smth that i can just vent to
i feel like im still thinking abt this
i have mo idea exactly what i want
i just feel like theres a gap here and i need aomeoen to fill it in
i jsut want someone to talk with me and care abt my mh
ik that i need to be that person for myself
but idk
i feel so lonely
keen marten
why so i feel so alone :(?
im tired
but idk in what way
i need to get up and have a shower and wash my hair and then i can start on my hw
keen marten
helppp maths doesnt make sense
chem doesnt make sense
im gonna flunk high school
i cant get over this
im so obsessed with how lonely i am
after realising i have no number one friend or whatever
im so lost
ugh
i hate myself so much rn
okay tmr im gonna do loads of maths
study notes
hw
the lot
i just hate nyself to my core rn
okay i’ll work my way thru this
keen marten
I HATE MYWELF
i want to cry and scream and just freak
i hate you why are u like thisb
why cant u do anythung right
why cant u just be happy
ur so stupid
fat peice of garbage
keen marten
i hate myself
i just feel so alone
i feel like i can talk to loads of people
and be 'friends'
i just feel like the friends i sit in with one class just
idk its just that they're part of a friend gourp
and im the only one who isnt
so i just feel left out a lot
idk
and omds someone like snapped at me for zoning out a bit
like ik that this is not like highly relevant but they have adhd
i would expect them of all people to understand that sometimes people zone out and get sidetracked
like i dont want all these raging anxiety thoughst to go thru my head either
but watever
but omgg one of the new kids i took on a tour waved at me today
im happy that she remembered me :)
i have 2 hrs
i need to grind and do some maths now
cya
keen marten
im an awful person
and a horrible sibling i feel so guilty for freaking out
its not on
i know it was a while ago
but like feeling bad is not an excuse to act the way i did
keen marten
i think today was okay?
i enjoyed school
but when i came home
just didnt feel motivated to do work
i didnt do much today
i’ll do more tmr
and today was school photo day
my photo was probably really ugly 😭😭😭
they told me to take my glasses off and i think i had rlly huge eye bags bc i couldnt sleep yestersay
anws ig my point is
ig i feel a bit better abt how i look
i still think i look super ugly
but like i feel like i can bear it mow
2 years ago i was struggling to look in a mirror
now its better
keen marten
im not sure what time i slept last night
but can someone explain to me why im so tired
i was completely out of it
im sure i got at least 7hrs
i feel so bad
i completely missed everythung that happened in chem
keen marten
i hate myself so much rn
i feel like every sunday is the same
i just waste the whole day
and thats not even fine
because i wasted the past 3 days already
idk why i cant just get things done
i cant tell whether im lazy and unmotivated or its bc yk im actually struggling
i just dont know now
i kinda wanna talk to soemone irl
but i dont think thats a good idea
keen marten
yay finished with school
i think today was okay :)
im just gonna try get thru some maths now
one thing thoo
rlly none of my business but the bathrooms were blocked off and we got redirected and the deputy was outside on a phonecall
ppl were speculation that someone sh'd or attempted
and ik it has nothing to do with me but it makes me sad
i hope if that was the case that they're okay
but afterwards i saw someone coming out with a broken arm?
so maybe that was that?
it seemed very serious idk
anws time to lockin
keen marten
going to sleep early today yay
i do have homework but im gonna sleep early and wake up
that way im not tired tomorrow
im tired of being tired so im going to break the cycle now
keen marten
why am i so ugly :(
im so fat and disgusting
i hate the way i look
everything i hate it
keen marten
i feel really awful
i feel so sad
and i feel unproductive and useless
and i feel grey
and i have no energy
im not sleepy if ykwim
im tired
i hate this
im just gonna sleep and wake up tmr and hope im betetr
i hate being like this
i feel just bad
keen marten
i dont have the energy to elaborate
but someone showed me their scars
and now
triggered
i was starting to be a bit better about not having scars
but now im hungry
i was more scars
i want them so badly
i want to be able to run my fingers over my scars
i cant do this right now
im trying so hard to be okay
everything seems to be fine now
i cannot break down now
keen marten
AHHHH
POST-OVERSHARING VULNERABILITY
IS NOT IT
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
regret regret regret
idk
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
keen marten
i hate social media
im so overwhelmed with school
i hate myself
so much
it’s like poison
keen marten
:(
keen marten
now ive got a headache :(
i feel like crying
i hate myself
i hate that this isnt even real
because i'll probably be fine tomorrow
and it comes and goes and comes and goes
its driving me crazy
why do i have to feel so bad and then be okay and feel so so bad all the time
i dont understand
i hate this
keen marten
second last day of working
i think there is some level of sadness of letting go
but atm im tired
keen marten
i feel so sad and down
i hate this phase
i know it will pass
but it makes it worse that i know i’ll have to deal with this phases and i’ll never be able to fix them
ugh
at least if it was around all the time it would be easier to nail down and fix
keen marten
i want to hurt myself
so badly
right now
i want to cut and see the scars
i miss my scars
i want scars
i am an awful person
keen marten
