Abyss' Journal | Huddle | Page 5

keen marten Jun 3, 2024, 1:31 PM

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i canr do anythung right

keen marten Jun 4, 2024, 10:01 AM

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im sorry for complaining

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ik its wrong

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ik it doesnt solve anything

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but i need you to understand how important this is to me

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it means so much to me

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more than u could ever imagine

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its kept me alive and coping

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its the one thing im good at

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if im not good at it im nothing

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it means so dam much

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and no one understands that

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i dont know how to explain it

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it just does

keen marten Jun 4, 2024, 12:04 PM

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not coping :(

keen marten Jun 5, 2024, 7:35 AM

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i feel so awful rn

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depression is hitting so hard

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im verging on a breakdown

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i just wanna cry

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i cant tho

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not rn

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i dont even know what to do

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i cant cope rn

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i hope it isnt obvious that im tearing up

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im gonna let out a good cry and try to wash up

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i wanan cut but i dont have the energy

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and the blade i have rn

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amakes barely surface scratches

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i just gotta try and cope somehow

keen marten Jun 5, 2024, 2:20 PM

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hating myself so much atm

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i feel so pathetic and i cant get anything done

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ugh

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i also hate that im so attention seeking

thorny heronBOT Jun 6, 2024, 7:08 AM

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Well done 926388013053923399 ! you are rewarded with <@&1051525000848486400> for having made an entry in your journal on 100 different days.

keen marten Jun 7, 2024, 1:43 PM

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oh cool

keen marten Jun 9, 2024, 3:36 PM

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why am i such an awful person :(

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i feel like i don’t deserve my life and i should just die

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i wish i could be better

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i wish i wasn’t just constantly letting the ppl around me down

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i’m a massive screw up

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i deserve to hurt

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i deserve to be hit

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kicked

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have rocks thrown at

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i deserve so much pain

keen marten Jun 11, 2024, 3:15 PM

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the power went out today lol

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kinda nice to have smth interesting happen

keen marten Jun 12, 2024, 2:52 PM

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i feel like im overthinking again

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my friend was acting differently with me today

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like rlly akward and they didn’t wanna be around me

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idk

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im not as close now bc of circumstances

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like diff classes

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but it was so random today

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idk

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maybe im worrying for nothing

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i can’t think if anythung that coulda caused it

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i hope im reading into it too much

keen marten Jun 13, 2024, 3:38 PM

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ahhhhhhhhh

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tired

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why do i always do this

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i cant do anythung right

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i hate myself

keen marten Jun 14, 2024, 5:35 AM

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im a bad person and i say all the wrong things :(

keen marten Jun 16, 2024, 2:51 PM

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oml why is my brain like this

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ik i should carr

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but i cant help but feel a lil jealous

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essentially since 2 of my friends stopped talking

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okay tbf one broke it off

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ive stayed friends woth both

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but its so confusing

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so the one who didnt break it off is constantly wanting to rebefriend the other

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when it was the 3 of us

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they were closer

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like the one who got broken off with

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seems to wanna talk to the otger person more than me

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its not that deep and i get it

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but it still hurts that im right here

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and theyd rather go chasing after a friendship where one if the parties doesnt wanna be involved

keen marten Jun 17, 2024, 6:02 AM

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lowkey dont know why i feel like this

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just one of those days

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i just feel generally anxious and unwell

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this sucks

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i hate this feeling

keen marten Jun 18, 2024, 2:55 PM

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it feels like my life is just falling apart

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in reality everything is fine

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its just the things i’m responsible for

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i keep screwing up all the time

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my

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academics have gone to dust

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i used to be better than this idk what happened

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im so wrried abt my exams i cant sleep

keen marten Jun 19, 2024, 8:47 AM

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oml im so done

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im so flipping done

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thats my first non maths B in like years

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i cant do this anymore

keen marten Jun 19, 2024, 1:29 PM

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IM SO MAD AT MYSELF

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I COULDNT EVEN PULL MYSELF TOGETHER TO GET SOME SCHOOL WORK DONE

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IM AN IDIOT

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IM A MORON

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INSHOULD GO DIE

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IM A HORRIBLE PERSON

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I HATE MYSELF

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ARGHHH

keen marten Jun 19, 2024, 1:58 PM

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im actually going to hurt myself

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i cant

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why am i like this

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screw me

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im horrible

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im an awful person

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im lazy and stupid

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i cant do anythjng right

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i deaerve to die

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die

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die

keen marten Jun 20, 2024, 1:58 PM

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i cant cope anymore

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i cant freaking cope anymore

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my science test is tmr

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i havent studied all evening

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om gonna fail

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i hate nyself

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i cant cope anymore

keen marten Jun 20, 2024, 2:30 PM

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im am on the verge of breaking down

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im so done

keen marten Jun 21, 2024, 11:28 PM

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i cant cope anymore

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im just done

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3 major assessments tuesday

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i haven’t started prepping for any of them

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part if me just doesn’t care

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the other half has no energy

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im just done

keen marten Jun 23, 2024, 9:18 AM

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im so done

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im not gonna be able tl pull myself together by tuesday

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i feel like i could

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but i just genuinely dont care anymore

keen marten Jun 23, 2024, 10:40 AM

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im actually so done

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i cant do this anymore

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everythung is wrong and complacted

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i give up

keen marten Jun 23, 2024, 3:05 PM

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i wish i learnt to fluently speak the language my grandparebts speak

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im really happy i can understand them but im so upset at myself when i was younger for not speaking it more

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now i want to say thungs and the words dont come to my mind

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its so frustrating because i can understand the conversation i just cant respond

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i wish i was fluent

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im just stuck in thsi weird space where i know english

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and then like understand one langauge

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amd like learning the other

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now i just have english

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and a mash up of the ither 2 that dont make sense

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its chaotic

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im an awul perosn

keen marten Jun 24, 2024, 2:43 PM

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oml im so screwed

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i mean im gonna pull thungs together

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but oml

keen marten Jun 25, 2024, 2:58 PM

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im so glad today is done

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i screwed up royally

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but whatever

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ans my report was low key awfuln

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like its not like Fs

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but im not happy at all with it

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im so mad at myselfb

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why cant i do things right

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everything is frustrating me so much

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ughb

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bsnsjrjjensbdhd

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ig the one thing

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i feel better that i was acknowledged?

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she said that i work hard

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ik it doesnt mean all that much

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but idk

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i feel at least seen

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idk

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i messed up real bad

keen marten Jun 26, 2024, 10:05 AM

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dang interviews are over

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i mean mostly alr

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ik they all say good things

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and its generally fine

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i just cant get over a few small things

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but uts alr

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ig another thing just rlly slammed me

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im scared

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i dont want to grow up

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ik its not realistic

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but i just want ti stay wrapped up in the comfort and structure of hugh school forever

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like if i could get stuck in time

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it would idk

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its just everything feels so terrifying

keen marten Jun 27, 2024, 2:46 PM

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my aya/ old teacher was like i was meaning to talk to u next week

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like come and find me at some point

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ur not in trouble

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like what does that mean 😭

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i mean its someone i opened up to abt my mh when i was stupider

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so maybe?

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it could be all manner of things

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but i was with my friend but she was being kinda vague?

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idk

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could be anything

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i think after all the tests are over i feel lighter

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i think im just finally relaxing and its okay

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idk how i feel rn

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but its not like bad bad

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so ig its fine

keen marten Jun 28, 2024, 11:19 PM

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ugh going thru the typical saturday freakout

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i just gotta get thru today

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dang level up

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lol

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anws

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just next couple of hours

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i can pull thru

keen marten Jul 1, 2024, 2:06 PM

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keen marten like come and find me at some point

shes leaving :((((

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shes like one of my fave teachers

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its so sad

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i appreciate that she told me in advance so im planning to make a card or smth

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i feel so sad

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i feel like i didnt get to talk to her all that much this year and now i prolly wont get to

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it sucks :(

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there were still so many things i wanted to ask her

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its a lil better that she said she might sub from time to time

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but yk

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shes not gonna be there all the time now

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its pretty sad

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idk i feel like it says smth that i havent had her in 2 years but i still have her as one of my favourites

keen marten Jul 1, 2024, 9:58 PM

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oml my math test is today

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i studied a decebt amount

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as much as i could ig

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over the past few days

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but im looking at some different resources from a friend

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i feel like i know nothing

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oh god

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i thought i’ll be okay

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ive basically grasped the key concepts

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should be fine

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no

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the questions are so difficult

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im gonna fail

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ugh

keen marten Jul 3, 2024, 7:52 AM

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lol why was i so worried abr them seeing the scars

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they barely glanced at em lol

keen marten Jul 5, 2024, 3:22 PM

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lol i guess a couple things the last few days

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flunked tge adv test

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had to say bye to one of my fave teachers

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all this talk abt the futyre

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idk

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everyone keeps sayinf kike choose what u like

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its not the end

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its okay if u dont do okay

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u can always change courses

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heres the thing tho

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idk what i wanna do

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there is no job that i cab think of where i can earnestly say i will be happy doing it

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i cant think of a job where i will be happy

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i just dont think im cut out for life

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there is no future where im doing smth im happy doing

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this sucks

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i think im slipping into another episode lol

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and right before the break 2

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ugh next 2 days are gonna be rough

keen marten Jul 11, 2024, 3:39 PM

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life update ig lol

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holidays atm

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luckily i didnt fall into too bad of an episode

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i think i notice that ots hanging around

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but its been manageable

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as long as i keep myself fully occupied i don’t notice it

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im making a lil progress on maths hw

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19 excerises left

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and abt 5 days left

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why do i do this to myself

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ill send a photo update tmr

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ooh i saw a pretty sky

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at the beach recently

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im just gonna keep tryna push thru

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i hope it will be worth itv

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getting up tmr to go study at the library with a friend

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hope tmr is productive

keen marten Jul 13, 2024, 12:06 AM

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lol so far ive been unproductive

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I still have to get thru this much

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and i have basucally a week left

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and half of those days are already half occupied with other things

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im so not gonna finish in time

keen marten Jul 13, 2024, 12:24 PM

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im stuck on a stupid question and im so annoyed rn

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ugh i screwed up again as well

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its so annoying

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its so not that hard to just do things right

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but i somehow always manage to screw things up

keen marten Jul 16, 2024, 8:08 AM

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getting thereeeeee

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13 left

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gonna try finsih chapter 8 by tmr

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5 excersises but theyre all half started at least

keen marten Jul 18, 2024, 4:20 PM

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i think abt things i’ve done in the past and i just hate myself for them so much

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sometimes i just get so angry at myself i feel like i should end myself

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why can’t i not be a stupid cringy idiot who does everything wrong and makes such stupid mistakes

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a side note

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idk what’s going on

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but i keep zoning out recently

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like im speaking in conversations but like im not consciously answering

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the words are just coming outta my mouth

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so now ppl have been telling me that they told me stuff and how i responded

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but i just can’t remember

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what’s wrong with me

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things haven’t been super bad recently so idk what’s up

keen marten Jul 19, 2024, 3:26 PM

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just logging that i had a dip today

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idk why

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but my mood was off from the start

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lifted a lil by the end but ugh

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i’ve had a decent enough past couple of days sooo

keen marten Jul 22, 2024, 3:20 PM

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holidays are over :(

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back to school tmr

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i feel like i coulda used them morr effectively

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i didnt manage to complete everything i wanted to

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i wish i gave myself a break day

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instead or being so disorgansied

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im kinda upset with myself

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and marks back tmr

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prolly for all subjects

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maths eng and science

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boy am i screwed

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its 1:30 i rlly need to slepp

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ugh

keen marten Jul 22, 2024, 3:47 PM

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why was i so dramatic and poetic 😭😭😭

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alr sleeping fr now

keen marten Jul 24, 2024, 2:43 PM

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i mean today wasnt even bad

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i just didnt feel good

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like the whole day went fine

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there was just random lingering bad mood

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at least i know to take eco and legal now

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idk if i’m just dreading things

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i think i’m broken

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i feel awful for flunking my maths tests

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i swear i tried so dang hard things time

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53%

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i can’t do this anymore

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i used to be good at school

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i suck

keen marten Jul 25, 2024, 6:33 AM

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i dont wanna go to work rn

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im so tired and im so scared to make mistakes

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they were talking abt our pathways for maths

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they said if they thought u were struggling they would advise u to retake it again starting next year

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so ig itll mean ill do it at the same time as the rest of the cohort

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it will be super embarrassing tho

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ugh

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theyre so gonna make me retake it

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my highest mark was like a 70% im rubbish

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ugh

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this has been a long week of not feeling good :(

keen marten Jul 27, 2024, 2:46 AM

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sigh

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im done

keen marten Jul 30, 2024, 2:37 PM

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wsppp

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we rolling

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so subjects selections

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rn

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ext math

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adv engkish

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chem

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legal

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eco

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and then

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enterprise/bio/modern/soc

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ahhh idk what to pick

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and prefect nominations are out

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im so worried im not gonna make it

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ans im scared if i dont make it ill rnd up in a depressinf spiral

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but lets be optimistic for nowww

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lolb

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also

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im laughing at how cute and tiny this is

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i need a new brain

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my allergies have been nuts recently

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alsooo

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debate next week

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and commerce test

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and i impulsively aigned up for maths comp 😭😭😭

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so thats my update rn

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not much else

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tbf thats a lot

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lol

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alr we rolling

keen marten Aug 3, 2024, 2:13 AM

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l dont wanna work today

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i feel so anxioue i wanna throw up

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i just wanna do things right but i can never

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ugh

keen marten Aug 6, 2024, 1:57 PM

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ig just a mini reflectiom

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how things have been the past year

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i think some parts have gone rwally well and others not

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not by my work by any means

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but my mh has prolly been better

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ive tried to focus more

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i still havent done everything i want to do but ig theres still time

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idk ig its been alr

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im glad i gave things a shot

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amd im happy im still here

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i clung on

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this year will be better

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:)

keen marten Aug 9, 2024, 12:07 PM

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i dont feel too good rn

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past 2 days have been rough tbh

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not sure why and i wish it wasnt the case

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things worrying me rn ig

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prefects (im so dam scared im not gonna get it)
exams and prelims
work
future

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just so much to worry abt

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and im worrying abt whether ppl are anmoyed with me

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and so much

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im struggling a lil rn

keen marten Aug 10, 2024, 2:38 AM

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its just too much atm

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j feel like crying

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everytjing hurts

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i feel the heavy cloud

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maybe its just chrmicals bren off balance atm

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i cant cope

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i have work in like 20 minutes

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i cant do this anymore

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i fee so defeated rn

keen marten Aug 12, 2024, 2:38 PM

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wspp monday done

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just light stressin but not too miserable

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just the 3 p’s lol

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prefects, prelims and purpose

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ig prefects will get resolved soon

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i hope but at the ssme time idk

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i rlly hope so

keen marten Aug 13, 2024, 2:30 PM

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GUYS IM A PREFECT 🥳🥳🥳

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im rlly happy abt it

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all my hard work and efforts rlly paid off

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now i just gotta get on track for prelims and virtually everything will br okay

keen marten Aug 17, 2024, 2:20 AM

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gahhh why do i have to work today

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im so exhausted

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physically and mentally

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im ready to quit

keen marten Aug 18, 2024, 9:06 AM

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i rlly dont wanna work sundays

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that will just mean my whole weekend will be miserable

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ughhhhh

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i want to quitb

keen marten Aug 22, 2024, 6:41 AM

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jeiusieiejeheh i hqve work now

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ughhhhhh

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i hate feeling this way all the time

keen marten Aug 24, 2024, 9:23 AM

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i feel like im drowning

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like everything feels like a lot rn

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i feel like recently ive started to think that i need to talk to someone again

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but tbh i wasnt ready the first time

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and im not sure i will be this time

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tbf it was a bad experience the first time and not rlly my fault

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but yk

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i need to vent it all out

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and have someonr guve me real advuce

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and care

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ugh

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i wish i had acess to sometiing liekr tgat

keen marten Aug 24, 2024, 11:06 AM

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i feel like im getting towards my breaking point

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someone took the scissors so i cant cut rn ugh

keen marten Aug 26, 2024, 2:25 PM

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im worried its getting bad again

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im sure its not

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but yk

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at the same time

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i worry

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hopefully ill wale up tmr and be fine

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but the vibes feel like year 8 again

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starting by slowly getting bored and disengaging from my subjects

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then tumbling into fits of sadness ot numbness

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then cutting and starving and isolating

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i treated myself rlly badly arounf that tome

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i rlly shouldnt do that again

keen marten Aug 28, 2024, 10:19 AM

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im so confused

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do i feel bad?

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im not sure

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i dont think i frel great

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but its not the worst?

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im so confused

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like i feel like earlier today i felt so niserable and trapped

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no i just domt know how i feel

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i wanna feel bad again

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its better than freling comfused like this

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idk i impulsively talked to my teacehr today?

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likr earlier in the period i was feeling rlly guilty about not working a s hard as inshould br

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and thhne i didnt rlly thinn ant it again until well

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so i was genuinely asking abt school work stuff

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and my brain got distracted

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and started worrying abt that again

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so i kinda just asked abt it

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and idkk i kinda regret it

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she was so kind and evrrything

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but i feel so stupid for it

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bc is really anythung erong atm?

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evrrything in my life is going so well mostly

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im just a selfish self absorbed moron

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i feel likr an idiot

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and i frel rlly giilty

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and ive been an absolutely awful friend rectly

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and i feel like evrything i do isnwrong

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and time is miving too quickly

keen marten Aug 30, 2024, 11:25 PM

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ugh its saturday again

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lowkey cant donthis tn

keen marten Aug 31, 2024, 8:51 AM

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i feel like im alqays so annoying

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i hate myself

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i feel bad

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i dont like thiab

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this

keen marten Aug 31, 2024, 11:28 PM

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im just thinkimg

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my coping skills change with the seasons

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i feel like generally winter is more a time where i sh

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summer is more when i restrict

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idk it was interesting to me

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ig they both happen at thr same time

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but diring sifferent seasons they take on more influence

keen marten Sep 1, 2024, 6:29 AM

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today has not been a good mental health fay

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day

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i have a feeling the next couple days to a week will be the aame

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im guessing that its just hormones or smth messing arounf

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but im not sure

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but tbh this is like the most inconvenient time for it to happen

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ughhhhh

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i wanna hurt myself

keen marten Sep 1, 2024, 10:33 AM

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i feel bad

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but i also feel bad for feeling bad

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ugh

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this is so annoying

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on the brightside

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only thinkg i achieneced today

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washing my hair

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and showering

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it felt especially hard today

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so at least tgats dome

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im juts gonan try not to break down and cry

keen marten Sep 1, 2024, 1:45 PM

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i really really really want to hurt myself rn

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i wana cry

keen marten Sep 1, 2024, 2:20 PM

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why is that laying down one such a vibe

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but also like why are these so cute lol

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i think ive lost it lol

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whateversssss

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we roll with it

keen marten Sep 3, 2024, 2:20 PM

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im not coping

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i want to hurt myself really badly

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i cant do this rn

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im going to cry

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i am drowning

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my emotions are so out of it atm

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idk what to do anymore

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i have no one i feel like i ca talk to

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and i feel like now more than ever i can’t jeopardise my reputation

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i feel so stuck

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for once i feel like its not even me being stuck by whats around me to some extne t

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ots all me

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i have to admit now

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its all me

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therrs nothing i can do abt it

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i suck

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i feel so guilty for it too

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but i suck

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and im so sick of myself

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i dont deserve my lige

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life

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im a moron

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i need to hurt

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i want to cut but i jusy somt have the enegry now

keen marten Sep 5, 2024, 6:36 AM

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gahhhhh why do i have to work today :((

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its gonna be alr

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i hope

keen marten Sep 5, 2024, 2:34 PM

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im so sick of myself

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i have the perfect life

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yet ive somehow messed it all up

keen marten Sep 5, 2024, 10:18 PM

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why did my brain do this ahhh

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i dreamt that i had a mental break down at school

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tbf it wasnt super bad but whatever

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then my math teacher happened to walk by at the same time??

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ig it was the end of lunch or smth

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bc she said she stay with me and had a free next period

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then it got kinda weird bc we started playing a game

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but it was like she was asking me questions abt my mh instead?

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lol

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this could acrually be good for like little kids lol

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anws i woke up before it fully finished

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and i was low key disappointed

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it felt nice to have someone pay attention to my mh and care

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i dont want this dream to give me stupid false hope

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but yk

#

ughhhhhhhh

#

anws so thats my messy morning

#

and this will mess with me for the rest of the day

#

im just gomna try not feel too much more broken than normal

keen marten Sep 6, 2024, 6:34 AM

#

today was my once a fortnight commecre teachers last day :(((

#

ahes really awesome so its really sad

#

and now were prolly gonna have subs 😭

keen marten Sep 6, 2024, 1:40 PM

#

ughhhhhh why is my brain like this

#

i feel so awful rn

#

i cant help it

#

UGH

#

i need to hurt myself rn

keen marten Sep 6, 2024, 11:15 PM

#

i feel so miserable

#

like in a really really bad way

#

i dont know how to cope

#

let alone get thru tofay

keen marten Sep 7, 2024, 2:41 AM

#

i wish i was more assertive :(

keen marten Sep 7, 2024, 12:08 PM

#

what am i doing with myself

#

i feel like im going insane

#

im wasting so much time

#

theres a week until my prelims

#

im so done

keen marten Sep 8, 2024, 5:52 AM

#

im a bad person

keen marten Sep 12, 2024, 10:14 AM

#

im so tired

#

theres like than 90 hrs until my prelim

#

im in deep deep trouble

#

ughhhh

#

and debate tmr

#

im rlly nervous

#

im so tired

#

but i dont known

#

is this notmal?

keen marten Sep 14, 2024, 2:28 PM

#

we won the debate :))

#

but im so screwed for prelims

#

im so so so scared

#

im gonna fail

#

i feel like the content is so easy

#

and i know it

#

and ive done all tye adv hw up until what we need

#

so why is it not clicking??

#

also ive been so scared and caught up abr adv

#

ive completly forgot abt ext

#

i havent prepped at all for ext

#

im in so much trouble

#

omg

#

im so scared

#

but i did this to myself

#

but its okay

#

if i dont want early entry it doesnt matter

#

but the thung is

#

i do want early entry

#

idk what im gonna do now

#

UGH

keen marten Sep 16, 2024, 6:01 AM

#

i failed lol

#

it went just as i anticipated

#

i dont get it

#

why am i so bad at this

#

i genuinely tried

#

at some stages at least

#

i think i can scarpe a pass

#

but tbh

#

if i even get 70 ill be shocked

#

i hate nyself

#

i should go die

#

i havw auch a good life and opportunities

#

and i wasting it

#

im a waste of space

#

i take up too much space

#

literally and metaphorically

keen marten Sep 18, 2024, 5:42 AM

#

i am an idiot

#

i have wasted all day

#

my exam is tmr

#

i know im going to fail and i didnt even try

#

i feel like an idiot

#

i want to hurt myself

#

im gknna fail

#

like im actially gonna fail

#

this is so bad

#

and also

#

i feel like nobody cares

#

like reasltically i know its not true

#

but i feel so alone

#

i feel like i have nobody to talk to

#

i feel so trapped

#

i dont wanna wanna

#

but i wanna disppear yk

#

i want to go back and reset things

#

i lowkey wanna start this year again

#

i cant cope anymore

keen marten Sep 18, 2024, 2:04 PM

#

im such a miserable lazy persom

#

i deserve to die

#

i dont deserve my life

#

im so lazy pretending to be ‘depressed’m

#

I HATE MYSELF

#

I WANT TO THROW MYSELF AT A WALL

#

and watch my body crumple

#

i have a majot exam tmr

#

my friend was up earlier than 6 studying

#

i didnt roll out of bed until like 10

#

im so lazy

#

im such a bad person

keen marten Sep 19, 2024, 6:35 AM

#

im so annoying and clingy

#

i feel like people hate me because im like this

#

ugh

keen marten Sep 19, 2024, 2:43 PM

#

im so sick of myself

#

i want to hurt myself so badly

#

like i deserve to be hurt and have my body broken

#

i feel so much guilt and hurt and pain and everything

#

idk anymore

keen marten Sep 20, 2024, 5:43 AM

#

lol help im a public nusiance

#

i literally cause trouble everywhere i go

keen marten Sep 20, 2024, 12:44 PM

#

ahhhh

#

i need to chuck myself off a cliff

#

gah

keen marten Sep 20, 2024, 2:49 PM

#

i am going to do something i will regret istg

#

UGHHHHH

#

#

theres a smattering of good days

#

which is good

#

but the past month is not looking pretty

#

and this week is not looking great either

#

well

#

whatever

#

i suck

#

i keep thinking abr asking for help

#

but what do i really want?

#

someone to talk to me?

#

someone to comfort me?

#

advice?

#

meds?

#

therapy?

#

i dont know what i want and i think thats part of the problem

#

i suck

keen marten Sep 23, 2024, 3:24 PM

#

wspp

#

last test tmr

#

science

#

its bla

#

whatever atp

#

and then freedom

#

imma get the textbook to do maths over the holidays

#

i need to get ahead

#

i cant fail anymore

#

last few days i have felt better

#

not sure if its exams are over

#

but the intense badness is gone

#

idk lol

keen marten Sep 26, 2024, 12:50 PM

#

i feel miserable again

#

it came back

#

ugh

#

i just feel bad today all of a sudden

#

i feel like offing myself

#

theres no good reason

#

i just feel this impulsive need to hurt myself or somethng

#

gah

#

i feel like a loser and an attention seeker

keen marten Sep 26, 2024, 1:34 PM

#

i cant

#

i feel like im going crazy

#

i feel so bad

#

i want to hurt myaelf so bad

#

what is going on

#

i was literally fine yeaterdy

#

wth

#

UGHHHHHHHH

#

I FLIPPING HATE MYSELF

keen marten Sep 26, 2024, 3:20 PM

#

im going insane

#

what is going on with my head right nowb

#

im so confused

#

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#

AEGHHJJJHHHH

#

OOOEHHHHHHHH

#

GAHHHHHHHHHH

#

AHHHJWJJJHHRHEUDHHRHHFFH

#

IM GONNA END MYSELF

keen marten Oct 1, 2024, 2:19 PM

#

i feel miserable

#

i might just be tired tho

#

im so sick of myself

#

i just want to be alone

#

everything abt me is fat and ugly

keen marten Oct 3, 2024, 3:26 PM

#

im like seriously reconsidering my subjectsv

#

im so scared for next year

#

tbh its more that im scared for thisbyear to end

#

im scared for all the easiness and familiarity to go awayv

#

im scared of it

#

im wondering if i shoulda just done bio

#

i dont think im smart enuf for chem

keen marten Oct 5, 2024, 4:29 PM

#

i cant sleep lol

#

i keep thinking abt things

#

but ive decided

#

imma write a list

#

rn

#

abt what i’m gonna do differently starting next term

#

Start a maths summary book. After each lesson, when I’m at home or maybe in class (we’ll see), I will write out a brief summary about the exercise and any key formulas/things to note. I will leave the otherside of the page blank. As I do homework, any questions I find challenging, will be written there. That way I have a nice summary and difficult examples to study from.

#

Try to study ahead by an excerise or two in math. That way i’m not seeing the content for the first time in class.

#

Gonna try be in bed by 12am and wake up earlier.

#

Try to read a bit more often.

#

Practice language stuff more.

#

Gonna try be less negative and pessimistic. Gonna try become less annoying and more likeable.

#

Reduce screen time ( >2hrs a day).

#

Go for a walk at least one a week.

#

Work on being able to do things without the need to have a podcast or video in the background. Especially when doing homework. The reality is that it distracts me. I also need to rely on it less to fall asleep.

#

Be kinder and more open to people around me. I feel really bad for being distant lately.

#

that’s it for now

#

i will prolly add more as i go lol

keen marten Oct 11, 2024, 1:33 PM

#

wsppp

#

recently has been manageable?

#

ive been feeling okay

#

im gonna try rlly hard to be optimistic now

#

anws

#

mostly okay

#

just feel like im stressinf abt school again

#

ugh

#

wanna unwind my mind

#

on the other hand thon

#

i went looking for smth

#

and i found it

#

#

My old little game thingy

#

it was so basic

#

but was the world to ten year old me

#

fun times

#

anws

#

accidentally also found my blade graveyard loln

#

i havent cut in like months?

#

not bc like i did it

#

partially bc i dont have the energy to do it and then clean up

#

partially bc past weeks? have been okay

#

and then bc work lol

#

i cant tuen up to work with a bunch of cuts everywhere

#

what a pity right?

keen marten Oct 12, 2024, 1:12 PM

#

ahhh not feeling perfect

#

prolly just tired tbh

#

hope im okay tmr

keen marten Oct 13, 2024, 7:53 AM

#

please please please let this mood be from tirdness or being sad abt going to school

#

please please please dont be another episode starting

#

i think i was okay this morning

#

i hope that its nothing

#

but 2 nights in a row?

#

im getting anxious

#

this better be nothing or istg

#

ugh

#

i lowkey wanna stick a blade in my arm

#

i think i do miss tgat

#

i dont get it

#

i feel kinda lonely

keen marten Oct 13, 2024, 9:06 AM

#

i feel so miserable

#

i wasted these whole holidays

#

i feel like i was stupid working the whole time

#

then i was too tired to even do anything

#

i was supposeed to prep

#

i havent even finished the hw yet

#

i hate myself

keen marten Oct 13, 2024, 12:50 PM

#

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

keen marten Oct 15, 2024, 4:42 AM

#

i feel like i need food

#

but i dont wanna eat

keen marten Oct 17, 2024, 5:39 AM

#

i dont wanna go to work :(((

#

im so tired and im worries its gonna rlly stress me out

#

i just wanna sit at home and do homework

#

i feel so ugly :(

keen marten Oct 20, 2024, 12:02 PM

#

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

keen marten Oct 21, 2024, 9:29 AM

#

i want to bawl my eyes out

#

i fee miserable

#

i want to hurt myself

keen marten Oct 21, 2024, 12:07 PM

#

bouta break down and cry 😎

#

but no fr

#

i cant find my very detailed debating notes from the last debate

#

and they were so good an di was planning to culminate all of the feedback from the various debates

#

but not only can't i find that one

#

i can't find half of the other ones

#

im so done

#

gah

#

im so so so so so so scared

#

but at the end of the day

#

ig it is getting to be too much

#

so if we drop out its okay

#

and i can focus on school

#

but if we win great

#

but atm i feel so stressed

#

i cant do this

keen marten Oct 21, 2024, 1:04 PM

#

i cant

#

i feel so broken rn

keen marten Oct 21, 2024, 2:14 PM

#

i can’t sleep

#

i feel so stressed and overwhelmed

#

i wanna win so badly but im so scared

#

and im so worried ant school and grades

#

im not sure whether it’s like my stress is feeding off others but its all becoming to much

#

i need a good cry

keen marten Oct 22, 2024, 4:17 AM

#

im gonna kill myself istg

#

first i failed my science test

#

lost the stupid debate

#

and im convinced everyone hates me now

#

i want to cry

#

i feel so dumb

#

i wanna off myself

#

im so useless

#

i need to cut again

#

i feel so hopeless

#

i cant cope

#

i thought this year was gonna be better

#

UGH

keen marten Oct 22, 2024, 8:04 AM

#

i feel like today was the first time

#

in a long time if ever ig

#

i feel like i just broke

#

like i feel like ive never had such disregard for who im around

#

before just falling apart

#

im normally so composed

#

but after getting bad mark after badmark

#

and falling at everything

#

im just so done

#

im gonna flipping off myself istg

#

im so sick of being me

#

I HATE MYSELF

keen marten Oct 22, 2024, 9:31 PM

#

i cant do today

#

i feel like being alone and avoiding people

#

i want to hurt myswlf

#

i cant rn

keen marten Oct 23, 2024, 1:23 PM

#

i feel like the past few days have been so hard sadness

#

i think my black doggy has been hanging around alot recently

#

on the one hand i feel miserable about it

#

on the other hand i feel almost comforted by it

#

i cant explain it

#

but its almost as if its protecting me from everything else

#

like im just so down and numbed out i cant even start to think about whats going on outside

#

i feel broken

#

i feel like im happy that i havent been scrolling on yt shorts or reddit for months

#

but i followed so many mh and support groups on reddit

#

that im wondering whether its worth going back

#

i know i shouldnt

#

it will definitely bite me in the butt

#

but whatever

#

maybe i should just use it again

#

it was so comforting to know that there were so many others out there just like me

#

idk

#

ill think abt it

#

but school is rlly ramping up now

#

so maybe i shoudlnt

#

idk we’ll see

#

i hate myelf

keen marten Oct 23, 2024, 2:07 PM

#

in want to cry

#

i hate every fibre of my being. i cant do this

#

i want to flipping disappear

#

go flipping die u piece of trash

#

1:11

#

lol

#

i feel so broken :(

keen marten Oct 23, 2024, 9:18 PM

#

i dont know how im gonna face todau

keen marten Oct 24, 2024, 5:31 AM

#

i feel like my emotions have been all over the place

#

like seriously its nuts

#

i just dont even know what im doing atp

#

like its just so confusing

#

im like extra confused today now

#

its a cultural thing

#

but we dont talk abt feelings right

#

and like now there was this whole discussion like

#

how its normal to bottle things up

#

and i feel so guilty and like gross and vulnerable for kinda freaking out and ranting recently

#

like i feel like i need to go back and undo everything

#

and now i gtg work :(

#

im so tirrd and i dont wanna

#

plus my commerce assessment is due tmr and we dont even have half of anythung together

keen marten Oct 24, 2024, 9:59 AM

#

finally finished work

#

its 9 now

#

im so tired

#

physically

#

mentally kinda zoned out

#

maybe tgats okay tho

keen marten Oct 24, 2024, 11:29 AM

#

i need to pull myself together

keen marten Oct 24, 2024, 2:49 PM

#

ive been here an awful lot recently lol

#

anws i needa sleep

#

im gonna be so ded tmr

#

omg

keen marten Oct 24, 2024, 3:06 PM

#

i cant sleep

#

wth

#

at this rate im gonna have like 5 hrs

#

ugh

keen marten Nov 2, 2024, 10:02 AM

#

i feel like the past two days have been kinda hard again

#

like in the middle since last time i journalled

#

i could bear it

#

yk?

#

but like now its feels like its getting hard again

#

its prolly just chemicals or hormones or smth

#

who knows

#

some sorta sciency thing

#

i feel like me messing up my science mark

#

has ruined science for me

#

and i feel like english isnt fun anymore

#

maths is just a mess

#

i feel like im losing my identity

#

ive been failing all my exams

#

i domt even know why

#

its not even like i wasn't feeling well

#

maybe i am dumb

#

but i dont know how im gonna face that reality

#

i feel like ive been weighed down by so much guilt recently

#

i dont know where it came from

#

but it feels so heavy

#

its like black

#

sitting in the pit of my stomach

#

and i cant shake it out

#

and i used to think i didnt really have anxiety

#

but im realsing

#

its prolly not normal

#

to always be fidgeting

#

like even if im not 'anxious'

#

i still feel tense

#

and have to get the energy out somehow

#

who knows

#

whatever

#

too much random rambling

#

i have to work 7 hrs tmr

#

at least i have a 30 minute break

#

but i means i wont be home for like 8+ hrs

#

which isnt a lot

#

but its tiring

#

im just so tired

#

i feel like im tired more often than not

#

i cant remember the last time i woke up

#

and felt properly refreshed

#

ugh

keen marten Nov 2, 2024, 1:20 PM

#

i have no idea why i feel so miserable again

#

ugh

#

im gonna go hurt myself now

keen marten Nov 2, 2024, 11:15 PM

#

i dont wanna work

#

im dreading it so much

#

7 hrs

#

ugh

#Abyss' Journal