Abyss' Journal | Huddle | Page 4

keen marten Feb 17, 2024, 2:42 PM

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where i will truly be happy

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idk if i will find happiness in the future

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honestly maybe hapibess is travelling the world

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and seeing things

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but i cant make a career out of that

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ik they exists

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but theyre jobs like vloggers or travel writers

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im too ugly to be a show host

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and my voice is ugly

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and im not engaging

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i dont think i could br a writter either

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my writitng isnt my worst skill

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but it by far isnt even close enuf to a professional level

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i write speeches

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go to these compa

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comps

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amd watch these kids absolutely destroy me

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i dont think i will be someone special in this world

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it sucks

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i dont have key skills or the perosnaloty of a sucessful person

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i give up too fast

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im lazy

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i dont try to get ahead

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im too stupid and black and white

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im not assertive

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i hate myswlf

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i want to be someone special

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but the reality is

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i never will be

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and no matter how my life turns out

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i doubt i will ever truly be happy and fulfiled

keen marten Feb 18, 2024, 6:18 AM

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UGHHHH

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THIS STUPID FAMILY

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CANT THEY JUST SHUT THEIR MOUTHS

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why get to angry for

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what an idiot

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greeat look at what uve done

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it was great

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u go say one stupid thing

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and u wreck everything

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stupid idiot

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like seriously

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i get it

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school work sucks

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stop taking it out on everyone else

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i can help u

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i can talk with u

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STOP YELLING AND BALIMBG PPL

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now the adults are fighting

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and everyone is angry

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nice one

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i have literally been dealing with such a trashy past 3 years

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never once have i taken out my annoyance like that

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not once

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why are u always like this

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how can u be so good at otger things

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and so stupid hereb

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and why is everyone so stubborn

keen marten Feb 18, 2024, 6:51 AM

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why is she like a child?

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shes so stupid sometimes

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everytime

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this happens

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shes so stupid

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why do u always act liek a 5 year old

keen marten Feb 18, 2024, 8:50 AM

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i dont wanna do anything rn

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feel so trashy

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qnd tired

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literally a moment where i wanna curl up in bed or the couch and mindlessly watch tv

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i cant cope with my brain rn

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i dont wanna have work tmr

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i dont wanna deal with school

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its too much

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i realise its been a while since ive vented to someone irl

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i havent rlly talked to anyone

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all my convos recently have been so dead

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and hard

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ugh

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just gotta get thru the week

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one week at a time

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who an i kidding

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one day at a time

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i am so gonna slit my arms this week

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ugh

keen marten Feb 21, 2024, 7:41 AM

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fat fat fat fat fat fat

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im so fat

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and ugly

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and stupid

keen marten Feb 23, 2024, 4:36 AM

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im so nervous

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i have work soon and i feel like throwing up

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i wish i could just be brilliant straight away

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i wish i didnt suck at my job so bad

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its making me so stressed out

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and im officially lagging behind on maths again

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its the weekend soon so i should be able to do it

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but like its just a weight on me

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ugh

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amd likr work has made me kinda have to eat lunch

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im in this situation where its impossible to skip lunch and hide it

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ugh

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i shouldnt have been so freaked out

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but everyone was talking abt mh and eds and stuff

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and it was just kdbwhdbdbsh

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alr gonna try take some deep breaths and hope today goes alr

keen marten Feb 25, 2024, 9:26 PM

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why am i ruining my mood first thing monday morning

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also i need to start restricting better

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ugh

keen marten Feb 26, 2024, 6:27 AM

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today was notttt good

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maybe i shouldnt have been so complacent

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but come onn

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the world is so unfair sometimes

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i give up

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silly thoughts coming back too lol

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i ended up cutting in the bathroom at school today as well :(

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not having a great day

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on the brightside

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i've bearlt eaten all day

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so yay?

keen marten Feb 26, 2024, 1:37 PM

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am i a bad person for wanting someone to care and ask how im going

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i feel like i can be super quiet and everything and ppl just dont notice

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like i get other ppl have lives and everything

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but yk

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its stupid anws

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ugh another thing just annoyed me so much

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a whole bunch of kids in my grade emails the dp abt their ‘depression and anxiety’

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just to switch class

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likr understand why

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but at the same time

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they were lying

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but thats not why im mad

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im mad because the school coddled them

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organised meetings and checked in with them and everything

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and actually let them switch classes

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and i literally said i was going to kill my self

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and they just turned a blind eye to it

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it just makes me so mad

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they also put me in a class wit someone who i specifically requested not to because of how theyve negatively impacted me before

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it just makes me mad how slack the school is

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it just makes me so angry

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i feel like to get anyone to even notice ill have to attempt

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like i just feel like nobody cares

keen marten Feb 26, 2024, 9:23 PM

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NOOOOO

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i broke my photo streak

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that is so annoyingggg

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ugh

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day ruined

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i had so much pride in this project

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working on this everyday

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now i wanna give up on it

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ugh

keen marten Feb 27, 2024, 11:39 AM

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friday is world sh day

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idk the technical phrasing

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i kinda wanna wear an orange hair tie to yk

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its just that its a day to recognise

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but it lowkey feels ballsy so idk

keen marten Feb 28, 2024, 9:46 AM

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gah today was so iffy

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its just

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everyone was getting on my nerves for literally nothing

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it was so stupid of me

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like literally no one did anything to u

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why did u get so upset over nothing for

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i need time to be alone and unfurl

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but now i gotta work on my stupid hw

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i dont have the energy for this rn

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and i have a longer shift tmr ans its making me so nervous

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am i ever gonan reach a point where i dont feel nervous anymore?

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its so frustrating

keen marten Feb 28, 2024, 12:01 PM

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i wish i could be smarter

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i wish adults would talk to me and think that im intelligent and have lots of ideas

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kids tell me i am because i get ‘okay’ grades

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but it means nothing

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im not someone who is genuinely intelligent

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my brother is

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my cousin is

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theyre actually smart

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they have smart hobbies and interests

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people know theyre smart just talking to thrm

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im just average

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im not gonna be anyone special

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i hate that realisation

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i wish i could be someone else

keen marten Feb 28, 2024, 1:02 PM

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i dont wanna see summer leave

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i mean i can go crazy on my arms ig

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but idk winter just makes everything worse yk

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god i need to work on restricting

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all i do is eat eat eat

keen marten Mar 2, 2024, 11:16 PM

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omg im a monkey

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i wasted all day yesterday and friday

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fully knowing i would be busy today

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mywork is undone

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my hair isnt washed

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my app isnt filled

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ive done nothing

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im so disappointed in myself

keen marten Mar 4, 2024, 11:29 AM

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ive made such a mess of today

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idk i just feel like all i do is make a mess of everything

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i went into that stupid stress eating phase today

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i wasnt thinking

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just shovling food down

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it makes me sick

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i hate myself so much

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im just so over everything

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i was weirdly okay for the morning

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and its just gone into a funk for no reason

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im sitting here on maths homework that makes sense

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im not honouring my promise to stay on top

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im gonna fail

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ughhh

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god i hate myself so much

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lowkey funny that i cut again

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its just reassuring in the most weird way to be able to feel it there on my skin

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idk

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i sound delusional

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im so glad no one can see my brain lol

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at the same time

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its crazy to me how ppl irl just dont notice

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i cant believe im going back into this stupid state

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why do i care

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i dont need other ppls validation

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omg someone pleaae stab me

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its not even assessment period and i already feel so sucky

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thats justttt great

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im just lowkey over everything

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ughhh i have one hour to get started on everything

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why am i like this

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hate mysef so much

keen marten Mar 5, 2024, 9:42 AM

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omg the first half of the day sucked so much

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i literally was verging on offing myself lol

keen marten Mar 5, 2024, 1:55 PM

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im so sick of my brain rn

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why does it have to torment me like this

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literally why

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im having the most annoying urges today

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its like why

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god i hate myself

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i have no purpose

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i have a couple things happening soon

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but nothing is doing it for me

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nothing is making me feel happy

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nothing is making me look forward to the future

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i hate that i feel this way

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ughhhh its 1 am again

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i gotta stop doing this

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im gonna be so tired tmr

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why am i like this

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sometimes i just wanna be a little kid again

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and still feel excited abt school

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to see my friends

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and do thibgs

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now its just tiring and dread

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is this what the rest of life is gonna be like

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ugh i just wanna flop down and cry

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i feel like my academics are slipping so much

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its so frustrating

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im completely overwhelmed by whatever the heck is going on in science

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maths is confusing as always

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english is like

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english

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and creative writing which is great

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pe is so dang stupid this year

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im so disengaged

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idk why

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but i just dont like thw way this teacher teachers

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realistxally it isnt that different to last year

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but like idk

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this year its just so so so bothersome

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im just so over everything

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if i could just drop all my responsibilities forever

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ans just travel and do stuff

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maybe everythinf wouldbt feel so bleak

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but its just knwoing

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i wont br anyone special

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im just gonna be a sad boring person

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with a sad life

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and it sucks

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in already getting to a point where its like

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obvious im not super smart or creative or anything

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we did those career quizes

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i got accountant

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like can u be fr with me??

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i dont wanan be doing a brown job

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maths fot the next 60 years of my life

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no thank u

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im just a stupid little twat

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omg literally why have i been so weak and bad at restricting

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its actually embarrassing

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im so freaking fat

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i gained so many kgs

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and just have failed to lose then

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i need to starve

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i dont deserve food

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but my stupid fat mouth

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will just eat

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and eat

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im so ugly

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i wanna cry over how ugly i am

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i dont even wanna be stupidly thin

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i just dont wanna be fat

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another thing

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im going back into stupid self isolation mode

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i just didnt wanna talk to ppl all day

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its just ugh

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i was so much happier sticking headphones in and trying not to listen to my thoughts

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like i havent gone through this stupid phase since maybe 2 years ago

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and its worse now

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my group sits in the library

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it means i dont even have a quiet spot to be alone

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and just isolate and rot in peace

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i hqte that my stupid mood makes me want to isolate people who have been so good to me

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i make me sick

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ugh

keen marten Mar 6, 2024, 1:49 PM

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#latenightrandomslump

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thats just great

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im getting such intense urges rn

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literally why

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and like why right this second ugh

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im just remembering how numb i used to feel

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i never ever everr

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want to feel that way again

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its worse than feeling bad

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im just terrified itll spring up on me randomyl one day

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ugh

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i cant do this

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and omg

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notbm thta big of a deal

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i dont care than much

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but im still kinda annoyed that sub kept picking on me

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alr fine i did get dramatic once and be slightly loud

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but not the other

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idk why she was pixking on me for chattign

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i literally finished all my work

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so screw tgat

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its was just so annoying and ugh

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like i can manage myself

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i know how to manage time and evrruthing

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that was annoying because she literally didnt do it to anyone else

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and its jyst a bunch of other things all together

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but this week has well and truly sucked

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there is no doubt about it

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i need this week to be over

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im still struggling to find sowmrhing to look forward to

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i hope soemthing does come alog

keen marten Mar 8, 2024, 12:23 PM

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im kinda annoyed

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i shouldnt care anymore

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and like i have other things lined up

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but im still so hurt by it

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its so annoying

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i wish i wasnt like this

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i wish i didnt feel so jealous like this

keen marten Mar 10, 2024, 12:51 PM

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i hate myself

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i did smth so unbelievably stupid

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idk if anyone else noticed

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but if they did

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im kinda screwed

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im such an idiot

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im over thibking it and stressing ao much

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i hope tgat they dotn care

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i feel so stupid

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i didnt think it thru

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but im such an idiot

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i was having such intense urges ugh

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and i hate how broken my brain is

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it doesnt wanna feel enthusiastic about anything anymore

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i hate myself so mucb

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its like why

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it wont let me feel excited about anything anymore

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its so dam annoying

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and ughhhhh

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god i suck

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someone kill me

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and im not looking forward to this week

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it just sounds so overwhelming

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and im just so tired

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idk what u want me to say

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im just so dang mentally exhausted

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why do people come near me??

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i deserve to rot

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stupid moron

keen marten Mar 11, 2024, 10:00 AM

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im so tired ugh

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why do i obsess and over think abt smth like that

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it wasnt my fault

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i didnt rlly do anything wrong

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now im just so irritated

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ughhhh

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gonna cut istg

keen marten Mar 11, 2024, 10:58 AM

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hate myself

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hate myself

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hate myself

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godddsddd

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nwhsudhehajsbvevd

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hate myself

keen marten Mar 12, 2024, 7:05 AM

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ugh im so stupid

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i think its been proven atp

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i tried so hard

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ive been keepign up with the homework

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paying attention in class

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and i absolutely flunked that test

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im so stupid

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i wanna relapse

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its not fair

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why an i so stupid

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i feel like ive disengaged from school so much

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ugh

keen marten Mar 13, 2024, 1:06 PM

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kinda hate not rlly having anything thra horrible happen but still not feel amazing

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im startimg to question how truly terrible of a person i rlly am

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i feel like sometimes i lie ao easilt

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it scares me sometimes

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how i just let little lies slip

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im a horrible person

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and i keep having the most awful inteusive thoughst

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its so annoying

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like please leave me alone

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this is gonna sound even worse

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but im starting to cut on my shoulders

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ans we have mandatory vaccines soon

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and like

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im fr not holding back

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its like

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how stupid are u??

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do u wanna get caught

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i kinda want someone to pick up on it

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to be vakidated and what mot

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but ik fs if i get caught its gonna be nasty

keen marten Mar 14, 2024, 12:31 PM

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im so fat and ugly

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my friends were comparing watch holes?

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idk what to call it lol

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but istg

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their wrists are so dang thin

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yk their whole arms are

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i was so dam jealous

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i shouldnt be allowed to east anymore

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fat pig

keen marten Mar 14, 2024, 12:48 PM

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i wish i was smarter

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ugh

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everyone else understands whats going on

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i legit dont have a ckue

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im so flipping stupid

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my teacher was talking abt unis and subjects and everything

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and its like

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he thinks that im way better academically than i actually am lol

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it’s hilarious

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im so flipping dumb

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urges are hitting hard

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screw me

keen marten Mar 14, 2024, 1:20 PM

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it would be a very very very bad idea to sign up for this

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like rlly bad

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but i rlly wanna

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ugh

keen marten Mar 15, 2024, 11:35 AM

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eberyone keeps talking about tge future

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and im so freaked out

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u dont want to pick subjects

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because whatever i chose is gonna be bad

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everyone keeps asking me to think abt what im passionate or interested in

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and nope

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nothing

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i cant think of one job that will make be genuinely happy

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i feel so screwed

keen marten Mar 15, 2024, 1:05 PM

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ONG WHY AM I LIKE THIS

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I KNOW I HAVE A SUPER IMPORTANT TEST SOON

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ANS IM JUST SLACKING OFF

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I DESERVE TO BLEED SO HARD RN

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STUPID IDIOT

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i suck so bad at maths

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and im just dily dalying arou d

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im so trash

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im such a stupid rat

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die die die die

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i said itwas gonna be different this year

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ITS NOT

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IM SO DUMB

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i tried so hard to keep ip

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but i just genueky am stupid

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DIE U PIECE OF GARBAGE

keen marten Mar 16, 2024, 11:25 AM

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i cant cope rn

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my brain hurts

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i had fun today

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but its like

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it was something i was looking forward to and now im shoved back into reality

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its devastating

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i cant help it

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i feel horriblen

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my brain hurts

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i wanna hurt myself

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i can't keep going

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my mood is so awful rn

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i hate itb

keen marten Mar 18, 2024, 10:22 AM

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why cant i sit down and be normal

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its so frustrating

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just sit and focus and do maths

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i have one week until this massive test and im not stufying

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i hate myself

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and also like

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i have vaccines next week

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idk what to do abt the cuts

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on the one hand

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i hope thye heal

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pn the other hand i just wanna slice my arms up

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im such an attention seeker for wanting someone to care

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and like i cant have tht happne because my patents would find out

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but yk

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ugh

keen marten Mar 21, 2024, 11:11 AM

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lolll yk that feeling where ur like im so annoyed and frustrated at u that i just wanna grab u by the shoulders and give u a massive shake?

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def not me tryna not to tgat to my brain rn loll

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god im such an attention seeker and i hate how many mistakes i make

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its so frustrating

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someone needs to toss me into a pond or smth

keen marten Mar 24, 2024, 11:29 AM

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lol i realise how deranged i sounded that day

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anws

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ugh

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annoyed abt how emotionless someone responded to me

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i understand that yk not everyone is super awake and avliable

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but like blunt answers like yes and ok

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feel like ugh

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like idk how to explain it

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but i just feel like everuone is sick of me

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omg im so stressed abt everything rn

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my stupid maths assessment

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im genuinely gonna flunk it

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idk why the knowledge just wont stay in my head

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like i geneuley tried so hard this term

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idk why its not sticking

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whats wrong with me???

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i wasted all day

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i edned up spending a whole day

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only do do liek 2 hours max of work

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im so disappointed in myself

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i hate myself

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im so annoying

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and naggy

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i need to go away

keen marten Mar 25, 2024, 12:16 PM

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i am having the worst urges atm

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i feel so pathetic and stupif

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my stupid test is tmr and im not ready

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not even close

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im gonna fail

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i feel sick

keen marten Mar 25, 2024, 12:48 PM

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i wanna cry

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im gonna fail

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after that failed practice test

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my steam just ran out

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im too tired to cope

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worrying abt various other assessmebts

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plus now this whole teacher debarkle

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istg why does she hate me

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like honestly what do i care

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bc like whatever right

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but sure im annoying and stuff

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but i genuinely didnt do anything thta bad to u

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idk why ur treating me like this

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ur making me feel so stupif

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its so annoying

keen marten Apr 3, 2024, 1:58 PM

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not great again

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idk past few days have been alr

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just been so flat out busy

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i havent been wity my head

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im just so stressed out rn

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i have 2 teats tmr

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not even close to ready

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i feel like im gonna cut again

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ik i cant

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but the urges are getting to be too much

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idk how im gonna get thru tge bext few days

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idk how to cope

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i just wanna lay down and cry

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ugh

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im not cut our for this

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everything hurts

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i wish i was better at keeping together

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why am i like this

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im gonan flnk everything

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piece of trash

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honestly just need to get thru tmr

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omce tmr is done

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its a small pause

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a smalle rprieve

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friday

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then the wekend

keen marten Apr 4, 2024, 2:25 PM

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oml im going insane lol

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i have no idea what happened to my brain today

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it fr dipped and went on a holiday

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like everything was just too much ugh

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at leats i finaihed one test todayv

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and im pretty confident that i didnt fail lol

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i legit couldnt just sit around today

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i love the rain

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but like i rlly wish it wasnt raining today

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i rlly needed my deranged walking sesh

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idk just walking around the school by myself is just nice

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well its not the best

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but the alone time in the sun usually calms me down

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idk

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i was just fighting urges all day

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everything is so exhausting

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1 more week

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i can do this

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i canr sleep rn

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my brain is a mess

keen marten Apr 5, 2024, 1:06 PM

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i cant do this anymore

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i have no idea how in gonna get thru this week

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like genuinely how

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the urges are getting stronger and stronger

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i failed my maths test

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i did miserably

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less than 70%

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im gonna kill myself

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jeez i deserve to die

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other kids will never get an education

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and its like im rubbing my 66% in their faces

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i have all these resources and opportunities

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and i cant even do a stupid flipping test

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UGHHHHH

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ISTG IM A LITERALY PIECE OF GARBAGE

keen marten Apr 8, 2024, 1:44 PM

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#totallycoping

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i am so screwed lol

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and istg why am i so ugly and fat

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i just wanna rip the fat off my body

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just like cut it off or smth

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i feel so gross and disgusting

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i wanna cryyyy

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my ramblings sound ao deranged

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kinda ironic thus started as a journal

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now its my private vent channel lol

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good thing abt this

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i can scream and vent as much as i like

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and no one will rlly see it

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so who cares if im cringe

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ugh 2 more questions to gon

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im def gonna fail but its fine atp

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whatever

keen marten Apr 9, 2024, 5:39 AM

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today is done thank god

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now i just feel kinda empty tho

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like this feels so much worse

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im just tired

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nothing is piquing me up

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i just feel dead

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i hate this

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when tge anxiety goes away this is what i get??

keen marten Apr 10, 2024, 2:33 PM

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ahahahhahaha im so scrwwed

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im not gonna finish in time

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whatever

#

im lowkey done mow

keen marten Apr 11, 2024, 3:34 PM

#

ahahahahhaha hate myself

#

i wish i wasnt me

#

ughhhhh

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or idk i wish that i was a better person

keen marten Apr 29, 2024, 11:04 AM

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sadly back in hell now

#

school starts tmr

#

yippie

#

i spent all day sitting on my butt

#

im so useless

#

i wanna cry and give up

#

idk how to cope anymore

#

i feel so broken

#

idk if i can do this anymore

#

everything is too hard

#

i dont wanna feel like this anymore

#

i just wanna go

#

i dont have anything to look forward to anymore

#

i tihnk im starting to understand when ppl said they dont wanna live but they dont wanna die

#

it always used to feel like one or the other

#

now i feel both

#

i just wanna call it quits

#

but it also scares me

#

i wanna cry

#

i genuienly dont know how to cope anymore

keen marten Apr 29, 2024, 2:28 PM

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omg im so screwed

keen marten Apr 30, 2024, 1:50 PM

#

omg istg im gonna kms

#

i cannot do this

#

i hate school

#

i wish it could just be the learning aspects

#

no stress

#

just covering geneuinely interesting information

#

everything sucks

#

i have no idea how to cope with things anymore

#

honestly ready to relapse atp

#

but i genuinely dont have the time to tmr

keen marten May 1, 2024, 1:53 PM

#

i have no idea how to cope atp

#

i feel so broken

#

i just wanna cry

#

and be done with everything

#

im so sick of this

#

even if i wanted to talk to someone

#

idk what i would even talk abt

#

like i just feel broken

#

i cant explain it

#

i just feel this stupid horrible way

#

i just want to hurt myself so much

#

poop poop poop poop

#

omg im so screwed

#

i knew i shouldn't have been sitting on my butt all day

#

im just so tired

#

im so done

#

i cant cope anymore

#

i feel so broken

#

i want to just sit in my house now

#

everything sucks

#

ik i caused it

#

but its a deep pit

#

and its just sucking so bad

#

i feel like im being suffocated

#

i wanna lay down and cry

#

i feel broken

keen marten May 1, 2024, 2:31 PM

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I feel like i have no hope about anything anymore

keen marten May 3, 2024, 12:50 PM

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im so sick of being me rn

#

i hate mysef

#

someone needs to duct tape my mouth

#

and lock me up

#

and stop me saying and doing stupid things

#

istg whats wrong with me

#

also i hate how ive been feeling

#

its just so random

#

like where has this come from

#

ive been so ready to relaspse the past few days

#

its just

#

ive been too exhausted to even think abt it

#

i wonder why its been so miserable recently

#

i just cant cope

#

this has been a tough week

keen marten May 10, 2024, 1:50 PM

#

this week was weirdly more bareable?

#

well my brain was acting up less which ig is nice

#

until now that is

#

sadly my computer had to be factory reset

#

which sucked so much

#

i lost so much of my school work from the past few years

#

i mean i deserve it for not backing up my files

#

but ugh its still rlly depressing

#

im officially super behind on matsh

#

i feel like i worked so hard all of last term for nothing

#

it sucks so much

#

i just lowkey feel like quiting

#

i just wanna rip my brain out rn

keen marten May 11, 2024, 1:22 PM

#

i have no idea how to cope anymore

#

lowkey at breaking point

#

i just wanna flop down and just not get up again

#

my brain hurts so much and my emotions are all over the place

#

ppl are getting sick and it sucks

#

my to do list is massive

#

and im still genuinely telling ppl subjects thats im thinking abt takjng knowing very well that im prolly not gonna make it that far lol

#

im a fat piece of trash and i deserve to die

#

i deserve to hurt

#

i do everything wrong

#

i have no future

#

no potential

#

everything sucks

#

i suck

#

ughhhhhhhh

#

im sitting here with so much worm to do

#

im gonna kill myself istg

#

if no one sees me soon prolly dead or rotting

#

and i have work tmr and im so stressed out

#

i honestly hate working so much

#

i lowkey wanna quit but i feel like i should cling on a lil longer

#

my friend told me that getting a job gave her a purpose

#

now it feels like it takes up all of my time and im feeling even more lost and anxious

#

i realise i desperately need help but at the same time i’ll prolly reject it if i get it

#

honestly idk if anyone irl notices or cares

#

like i understand thats its fully unreasonable and not great to have someone on me at all times

#

but i just feel invisible

#

i could be abt to kill myself and like no one would even bat an eye

#

it sucks

#

i just hate myself

#

i would cut but im just too exhausted to get up and deal with all the cleaning and stuff

#

i cant cope anymore

#

i want to cry

keen marten May 11, 2024, 2:12 PM

#

logging into a helpline

#

im so nervous

#

this is the first time ive actually gotten on the waiting line in a long time

#

and the first tike abt my mental health

#

oh help me

keen marten May 12, 2024, 1:45 AM

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ugh it didnt go as well as i hopef

#

i feel like i just got told everything i sortvr already knew

#

i wouldve been better off sleeping than staying up til like 2

#

then i woke up late and dont even have time to do matgs now

#

i feel so anxious i cant breathe

keen marten May 12, 2024, 2:12 PM

#

boy have i got myself in a hot mess

#

none of my homework is done

#

its 12am on monday

#

im so screwed

#

i hate myself

keen marten May 12, 2024, 2:48 PM

#

i cant cope i wanna cry

#

i just wanna curl into a ball and not exist

#

i have so much to do and ugh

#

everythung sucks

#

i hate being me so much

keen marten May 13, 2024, 2:21 PM

#

def not about to implode

#

my mum is sick

#

school is just a mess

#

j have missing things left and right

#

so much incomplete stuff

#

work is stressinf me out

#

nothing makes sense

#

my grades have basucally all been rlly smack

#

like i just get the vibe that things arent going great lol

keen marten May 14, 2024, 2:39 PM

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alr im still a masive screw up

#

but tgat aside

#

happy news for once

#

i was nominated to be a mentor of sorta for year 7/8s

#

i get to work with them to improve their english abilities

#

i was worried my english was going miserably

#

but hey maybe not tgat bad

#

and i have smth like a 97 average in ist

#

nearlyyy 100

#

so lowkey annoyed i screwed up a teeny bit

#

but i hope i can top the class

keen marten May 15, 2024, 3:19 PM

#

im a horrible person

#

absolutely the worst

keen marten May 16, 2024, 2:04 PM

#

lowkey upset with myself

#

just why do i procrastinate so much

keen marten May 17, 2024, 2:23 PM

#

i hate the person that i am so much rn

#

i just wanna break down and cry

#

i hate all the decisions ive made

#

all the thungs ive said

#

how i look

#

how i spend my time

#

my personality

#

i just want to cry

#

ive been mostly coping the past 2 weeks idk why im falling now

#

my sister was telling me abt this kid in her grade

#

’she cuts herself’

#

i feel so ashamed

#

what if she knew i did too

#

she’s probably sat in the same stalls ive spent lunchtimes cutting in

#

that makes me even more ashamed

#

i haven’t cut in ages

#

somewhat bc urges havent been that bad

#

but also bc my situation doesnt allow it and i just feel super lazy as well

#

i wonder if i could do it again to the same proficiency

#

like me 2 years ago was so much braver and tougher than me now

#

like i was going outta my way to hit styro

#

idk anymore

#

i just know im not happy with the person i am

#

on a different note

#

my friend sorta snapped at me

#

i was sorta voicing my worries abt smth

#

i have talked abt the same thing before so idk i get it ig

#

but she wasn’t there and didn’t experience the same thing as i did

#

i just feel like on the one hand im sensitive but on the other hand she has no right to invalidate me

#

like she doesn’t know exactly what i had to deal with

#

she wasn’t there

#

and i just felt so hurt by that

#

and im so far behind on maths work

#

i swore to keep upb

#

nvm

#

thats noy happening anymore

#

ugh

keen marten May 17, 2024, 11:20 PM

#

i just have to get thru today

#

just get to 6pm

#

9 hours

#

i can do this

#

atp im just trying not to off myself or break down and cry

#

ugh

#

im excited for tmr tho

#

i just gotta get thru the next few hours

#

after that i can relax a lil

keen marten May 19, 2024, 1:44 PM

#

why is my brain like this istg

#

like why cant i just be excited and happy abt things

#

im not dreading things

#

i just kinda feel dead?

#

just no emotions yk

#

#

and dont we just love maths

#

im so dang behind

#

lemme find the list

#

#

so that means next monday as in tmr

#

ahahah yeah

#

i did 2

#

close enuf

#

im half way thru a couple of them??

#

ish

#

so im not as far behind as it appears??

#

im so acrewwed

#

i was taking so much pride in keeping up last term

#

idk what happened

#

i hate myself

#

i hate that I let it get to this point again

#

screw me

keen marten May 21, 2024, 2:04 PM

#

im so frustrated with nyself

#

i so exhausted and i’ve literally done nothing all day

#

i cant stop dooming scrolling

#

its not a good feeling and i hate it

#

yet i simultaneously keep doing it

#

i feel like today was fine

#

then i coupled with a bit of over thinking

#

ans stupidity

#

and idk

#

i wrecked things

#

i feel like the past few days things havent been going great

#

im kinda in a state of nothing is exciting me or piqing my interest in things

keen marten May 22, 2024, 2:48 PM

#

okay a whole bunch of things happened ig

#

still lagging behind in maths

#

int day meetings tmr

#

generally not too miserable atm

#

i was kinda shocked when 2 teachers adressed me by name

#

bc i havent talked to them an awful much

#

so idk its making me realise i prolly do have a good reputation

#

and people do see me in like a good light

#

it made me realise maybe all my efforts werent for nothing

keen marten May 24, 2024, 1:00 PM

#

goddddd i hate myself

keen marten May 24, 2024, 10:35 PM

#

i camt cope anymore

#

im scared of dying but rn rlly hate living

#

my brain hurts

#

i feel so anxious

#

ive been stuffing my schedule full of ‘enjoyable’ things

#

they were things that i should enjoy

#

but recently felt more indifferent than anything

#

i just dont wanna exisit rn

#

everything hurts

#

i dont have anything to ‘look forward to’

#

i just wanna give up now

#

go lay in a clump

#

and not deal with things

#

if I could just sit in my bed for like the next month that would be great

#

everything hurts

#

i dint know how to stop from breaking down

#

ik that my issues are so small and dont matter

#

but i just feel awful at the moment

#

at the same time i dont know how anyone could help me

#

i just keep pushing things away

#

i feel like crying

#

i cant do this anymore

#

everything is falling apart

#

i just hate myself for all my mistakes

#

i wanna cry

#

i cant so this anymore

#

idk i just gotta get thru the. ext 9 hours

keen marten May 24, 2024, 11:22 PM

#

i wish i didnt have to be like this

#

why cant i be better?

#

i suck

keen marten May 26, 2024, 2:14 PM

#

im an awful person

#

all of my school work and stuff aside

#

im such an awful person

#

and i do awful things

#

i treat everyone around. e so badly

#

i dont desevr to live

#

im such a bad person

keen marten May 26, 2024, 3:29 PM

#

im so sick of myself atm

#

i haven’t cut in ages

#

outta laziness mostly but still

#

idk if i still know how to cut lol

#

i feel like i can’t do anything right

#

also feeling super ugly and stupid rn

#

the other day

#

one of my friends said how i had no chance of coming first in class

#

she said it in the way of

#

xyz is in ur class u don’t stand a chance

#

like sure

#

maybe it is true

#

but it still stung so much

#

like she really thinks i cant compare?

#

sometimes i wonder why i even try at all

keen marten May 29, 2024, 3:02 PM

#

:(

#

miss japan

#

ig miss being on holiday?

#

just miss being not unhappy

keen marten May 31, 2024, 2:29 PM

#

oml i cant cope

#

idk if its bc i have a stupid stupid cold

#

but i feel mentally awful

#

i lowkry wanna kms

#

evrrything is hard and difficult

#

i have no energy

#

i havent been like this in ages

#

like not this this bad

#

i feel so trashy

#

i wanna cut rlly deep but im just not in a situation in which i can

#

i have no idea why my head feels so heavy today

keen marten May 31, 2024, 10:57 PM

#

i cannot cope with today

#

its too hard

#

i just wanna lay in bed in the dark

#

not to mention i have this stupid cold

#

i just feel awful

#

its okay

#

get thru the next 9 hours

#

ugh

#

i am on the verge of a full breakdown lol

#

oop sky is matching with me today

#

comforting in a way

keen marten Jun 2, 2024, 3:15 PM

#

i cant anymore

#

i didnt do any homework today

#

ot honestly anything at all bc i just dont care

#

im so done with everything

#

i dont care at all

#

everything just means nothing

#

i cant cope

#

i dont wanna be rn

#

everything hurts and is blank at the exact same time

#

how am i gonna turn up at school and just be?

#

i feel awful

#

maybe i’ll wake up tmr and be okay

keen marten Jun 3, 2024, 1:28 PM

#

i cant cope anymore

#

i mean i woke up alr

#

now it feels like im spiraling again

#

it feels like im just clinging on

#

i just keep looking at my scars

#

im yearning for more

#

i miss being able to run my fingers jver my arms and feel the comforting scabs

#

not anymore :(

#

the handful i did are stupid

#

they barely bled and they prolly wont even scar

#

i hate that i cant go ham on my arms anymore

#

i want to so desperately

#

i hate myself

#Abyss' Journal