Abyss' Journal | Huddle | Page 3

keen marten Dec 11, 2023, 9:14 PM

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i should not be this worried

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its a piece of paper

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and it means nothing

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but still

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it means something to mr

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and ig im a failure

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i dont think im made for the world

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im not good enuf

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someone else deserves my spot in life more

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im gonna vomit

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this anxiety should not be this bad

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but hey dont forget

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im invalid bc this anxiety has a ReAsOn

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i quit

keen marten Dec 12, 2023, 1:17 PM

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alr so im getting smth academic so phew at least

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but like

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what if i only get one

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and its like

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pe

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im actually gonna go cry

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thats so stupid

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like its not even funny by that point

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surely i can get at least 1 like actually academic one right?

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im actually gonna lose all hope if i fail

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it sucks tho bc theres this rlly smart kid

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and she prolly gonna sweep up everything

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ahe deserves it 100%

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but at the same time

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whats left for me

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idk what to do with myself at this point

keen marten Dec 12, 2023, 1:38 PM

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im actually gonna start laughing at myself soon

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im getting overwhelmed

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by packing my bag

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this is ridiculous

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i just wanna sleep now

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ugh

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stupid me

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1 thing goes slightly wrong

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and now everything feels derailed

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inhate myself

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i wonder if shes gonna ask

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i rlly hope so

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but like lol

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prolly not

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sigh

keen marten Dec 13, 2023, 11:33 AM

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she didnt ask lol

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cant say that it didnt hurt a lil

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didnt expect it but yk

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whatever

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whateverrr

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anww

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yayy

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didnt fail too bad

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science, geography, history and pe

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wish i got english

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but what can u do abt it?

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but whatever good enuf

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anws

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2 days left

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then im a senior next year

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funny that i become a senior a year before everyone else

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my school in funky lol

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also kinda funny that i feel guilty abt smth outta my control

keen marten Dec 15, 2023, 2:02 PM

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why is my mood like thissssssb

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i was horrid

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then i was fine

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now i feel sucky again

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school is over

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and im scared for next year

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we’ll cross that bridge when we get there lol

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anws

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feel sucky rn

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might just be sleep deprived

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idk if my gc talking abt suicide was what triggered me

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just tired rn lol

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will prolly be fine tnr

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i was legit thinking earlier

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this year turned out alr all things considered

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nop feeling like killing myself again

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wooo hooo

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the gc is going nuts

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i cant do drama rn

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i ended up cutting again yesterday

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over the stupidest reason

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also im so freaking fat

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this is like the heaviest ive been in ages

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its bc ive just ben shovling down food recently to feel good

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junk and sugar is always nice

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i feel so stupid and ugly tho

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i hate my body

keen marten Dec 19, 2023, 2:36 PM

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ive been freaking out a lot the past few days

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i had a (from an outside perspective) decent year

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it scares me that ive done so much this year

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i couldn’t possibly top this

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like how can i beat this?

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and next year is gonna be so much more challenging

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ugh

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its been like 3 days

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and im already stressing abt school lol

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notttt good

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but whatever

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and i feel so deflated still that i missed out

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like maybe i was never meant to get it

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at all

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but still

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ig its for the best

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but i still feel so crushed

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ig we’ll just ride it out and see what happens

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i feel like the sh urges have been coming back

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just i occasionally get these moments of the most intense self hatred

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and all i wanna do is hurt myself

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i kinda miss being able to run my fingers over my scabbed arms

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it provided a confort

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but i gotta stay sane and normal

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try enjoy this time with my family

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and i feel all this pressure

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to work thru my holidays

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for the first time in ages

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my mum is tryna get me to do work

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i used to be better than this

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i used to be more responsible

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i suck

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everyone else around me are so much better

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so much more successful

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im just a failure

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ugh

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and im so fat

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past few weeks

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i just havent had the energy

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to deal with hiding food

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and restricting

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its too hard

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ugh

keen marten Dec 20, 2023, 5:07 AM

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i kinda get this feeling that nobody knows or cares

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like

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the ppl who know dont rlly care

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and the ppl who would care cant know

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i just gotta stay sane for 6 weeks

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and then a whole new year

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i feel so anxious

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its so annoying

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ive been tryna keep things at bay

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idk if drowning myself in TV and food is the right answer

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but whatever lol

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im so scared for next year

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im not smart enuf or good enuf

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maybe i should set a deal for myself

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if next year turns out to be awful

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by like mid of next year

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maybe i should just quit

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i feel like i was barely hanging on this year

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idk how next year is gonna go

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ugh

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omg im so lazyyy

keen marten Dec 20, 2023, 10:08 PM

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I cant believe im letting a dream let me feel this bad

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Its reminded me what a failure i am

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wooo i wanna relaspse and i just woke up

keen marten Dec 22, 2023, 1:52 PM

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i should be over it by now

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its so stupid

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it doesnt even matter

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why am i still beating myself up abt it

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stupid idiot

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ik i’ll get over it eventually but idk

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its been like 2 months

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how much more time u gonna need?

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im so pathetic

keen marten Dec 22, 2023, 10:06 PM

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i just got the reminder that even if someone cared enough to reach out to me

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what would i even say

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i hate that i flip between periods of this sucks but whatever

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and periods of i cant keep going

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and whenever ive reached out before it always magically became manageable

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i hate that i feel so invalid

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i hate nyself

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tw sh

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recently this new stupid thought popped into my head

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what if i just shattered glass and rolled in it

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cut my whole body up

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brcause im a piece of trash that deserves it

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the sh urges are getting rlly bad again

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and honestly i dont care so i shoulf just do it right?

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the only reason i havent is that i just dont have the energy

keen marten Dec 23, 2023, 5:26 AM

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im a terrible terrible terrible person

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why am i so awful with coping with my emotions

keen marten Dec 25, 2023, 2:01 PM

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great my friends are squabbling again

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theyre all so stupid sometimes

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imma just ignore them for a while

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its so atupid

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the dumbest drama ever

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they can sort it out themselves this time

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im not getting involved

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the sh urges have been coming back rlly strong recently

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ugh

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i wanna do it but i dont have the enegry to deal with fresh cutsb

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and i feel so much hatred for myself rn

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ugh

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friends has kept me pretty distracted past fe days which has been great

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i hope ross and rachel work out

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oh yeah also looks like im on track to hit my heaviest weight

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im so freaking fat and ugly

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i wish i looked better

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i cant help
but get jealous of other ppl

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clothes all look so ugjy on me

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lik even if i could fix my body

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my face is still super ugly

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and i cant fix that

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i wish my face wasnt so ugly

keen marten Dec 25, 2023, 2:08 PM

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keen marten lik even if i could fix my body

speaking of which

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ive done really bad at restricting recebtly

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its gonna br hard during the break

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but as soon as school starts again

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its gonna be a lot easier to do it

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but next year also scares me so much

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like its gonna be a tough school year

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i kinda wanna give up

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bc im gonna fail regardless

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ughhh

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1:11

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fun

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ugh ig i gotta try sleep

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try not to be too spiteful

keen marten Dec 26, 2023, 2:35 PM

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i need to stop overthinking

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its just leaving me rlly stressed and anxious

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i can’t believe this year is almost over

keen marten Dec 26, 2023, 3:41 PM

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omg i gotta stop giving myself spoilers

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im such an idiot

keen marten Dec 27, 2023, 2:01 PM

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i think ive hit a new low lolololol

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talking to an ai psychologist

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oh welll its better than the mental health professionals i dealt with in real life

keen marten Dec 29, 2023, 12:15 AM

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ugh i hate waking up this late

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its so embarrassing qnd ive wasted so much time

keen marten Dec 29, 2023, 12:52 AM

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omg im such a horrible trashy frienr

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i forgot to send a birthday message

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even though it woulda taken like 2 seconds

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how stupid am i

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ughhhh

keen marten Dec 30, 2023, 3:34 PM

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wow rlly strong self hatred lol

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its stupid thinking but like

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i feel like i should cut one last time in 2023 so i start 2024 fresh

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i dont wanna get clean or whatever

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its just

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im lazy

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and im gonna try hold off until school

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its weird but it makes it more meaningful in ny head ig lol

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god im so scared for next year

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ik starting tuesday its gonna be back on the grind

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im not ready for that

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the whole thing is making me so nervous

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im hoping that 2024 goes okay

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but honestly my subconscious has already got a plan b lol sooo

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im still not over tgat stupid little thing

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i should br by now

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but im not

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and its so dumb

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and im gonna have reminders like every week

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god i hate mysel

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and im still super fat and ugly

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i wish my body didnt look like this

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im so fat

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everythjbg abt me is so chubby

keen marten Dec 31, 2023, 12:09 PM

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okay imma do my 2024 resolutions

keen marten Dec 31, 2023, 12:50 PM

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Get good grades, especially in maths. Also try to get first in class, especially for english. I gotta stop chasing but yk lol. Also try not to drop outta accelerated maths lol.
Gonna try work on my work ethic and motivation. Thats rlly damamged me this year.
Fix my sleep schedule and look after myself physically.
Be more social and make more friends in the various classes I have.
Do more cubing stuff. Learn all 57 OLLs. New PB.
Try not to drop my languages. Maybe even a lil jap?
Keep up my various streaks. Paper chain, 1SE etc
Try improve my debating. Get further in the comp than this year. Try to improve in public speaking. Do the 2 comps if possible.

keen marten Jan 1, 2024, 12:21 AM

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Maybe get a job

keen marten Jan 1, 2024, 3:52 PM

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Read 25 books

keen marten Jan 2, 2024, 11:48 AM

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im so fat i feel like crying

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ugh

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all i do is eat eat eat

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istg everyone around me is like 10 kgs lighter

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WHY

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AM

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I

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SO

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FAT

keen marten Jan 6, 2024, 4:03 PM

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i cant do this anymore

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i just wanna cry it out

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is that too much to ask for

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i’ve been feeling so trash the past couple days

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its like 6 days into 2024

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i cant do this

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i have nothing left in me to give rn

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i feel so broken

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idk how to cope anymore

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i just wanna go

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im wondering if anyone irl can see the signs

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maybe no one will before its too late

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but its fine

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maybe it’ll be easier that way

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they wont blame themselves so much when there arent even signs the saw and missed

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it scares me

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and that makes me weak

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not wanting to stick arounf makes me weak too

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i feel like i dont have a support sustem irl

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and idk if i can cope alone

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maybe its easier to exist

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beacuse i dont know anymore

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idk this morning i just felt ‘sad’

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ig i finally remember what that feels like now

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as opposed to ‘bad’ LOL

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why am i so cringe and clingy

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im such a garbage person

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i should go away

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no one rlly cares do they?

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i remember 2 years ago

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counting

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‘if i attempted now, how many ppl would miss me in a year's time?’

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i figured

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my immediate family

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yep

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andd

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idk thats it lol

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if i rlly wanted to try

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maybe my friend group

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less than 10 ppl lol

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i dont know how to cope anymore

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im just someone who fades into the distance

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nobody rlly cares

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i dont wanna get up and deal with stuff tmr

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i jist want to sit in bed

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sleep thru the whole day

keen marten Jan 6, 2024, 4:48 PM

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if it werent so late

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or ig early now lol

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i would prolly cut

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i lasted like a week

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good job me

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maybe 2024 will be the year i go

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i wish my family had someone else

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in my place

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someone who actually is deserving of love and care and opportunity

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rn i cant help it

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i just wanna go

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wow thats pretty pathetic

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ive been here for a whole hpur instead of sleeping lol

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now im gonna wale up at like 12pm

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and waste the whole day

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like the pathetic loser i am

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i want to die

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i could do it rn

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suffocate myself with a pillow

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wrap a plastic bag around my head

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leave the house now and go jump in front of a car

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the possibilities are endless

keen marten Jan 6, 2024, 4:59 PM

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keen marten suffocate myself with a pillow

this comment is so ironic

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i remember having this thought about a year and a half ago

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to this day i cant tell if it was genuine intent or intrusive thoughts

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either way

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its been this long and still

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nothing has cahanged

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i could totally kms rn

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save myself and everyone else the trouble

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too bad i havent made all the fancy stuff i wanted to leave behind

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i really could

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rigth now

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just go

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because mwybe im not cut out foe life

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why do i feel like this rn lol

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what an idiot

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on the one hand i cant do this to my family

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on the other hand

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i cant keep going

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maybe i do need to start putting my exit plan into action

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start making video messages and stuff

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just so that when the time comes im ready

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lol i just imagined someone stumblint across it and actually doing smth about it

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pft like thats ever gonna happen

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would ot be wrong to quickly write out a message and go?

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would it be ebtter for my family to find put everything i’ve organised and left behind

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for them to know ive been planning for ages

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ive had a plan set in my head for ages

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set up all the messages and what not

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get my named marked off

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and leave school

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my parents wont be notified that way

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spend my last day doing everything ive wanted to do but havent yet

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go eat all the incredibly over priced foods out there

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go visit new places

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and as the sunsets, i go out with it too

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i realise how morbid this is

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and i also realise this stuff belongs in my head and only my head

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well too late for that

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later me might cringe

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too bad ig lol

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last night i had a dream

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i relapsed and idk i ended up relapsing irl

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stupid, ik

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and then i just impulsively rushed into an attempt

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apparently my second

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ppl stopped me

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nice to know that dream me has ppl that are aware and care

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i love the ppl in my life

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so maybe thats why i hide stuff to shield them

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at the expense of me

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i prolly sound high

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or drunk rn lol

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maybe both

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i should stop

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try to sleep

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maybr tmr ill be more rational

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prolly will

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well cya ig

keen marten Jan 7, 2024, 10:03 AM

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welp back here again

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im stressing abt whther i should stayvin accelerated maths

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the cripling disappointment and regret

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or being under so much pressure and stress

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i dont know whats worse

keen marten Jan 7, 2024, 10:19 AM

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just thinking abt starting school

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21: kinda nervous but that made sense
22: actually really pumped as the previous year was okay
23: kinda weary but a little excited
24: i am absolutely dreading it

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its funny that half of the past few years have just been filled with this mh drama

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so stupif

keen marten Jan 11, 2024, 1:36 PM

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istg my mood has been going nuts recently

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like come onnn

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idk why i keep getting annoyed at the most random things

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i should not be upset about thrm

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i keep snapping at my family

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and i feel horrible

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but at thr same time

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its just so annoying

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everything is annoying me

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just why

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and why do i find it so dam hard to talk to my friends rn?

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i feel really guilty but at the same time i just dont have the energy

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and it feels like with a couple of my friends im leading the convo

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like irl its just different

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online its

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idk atp

keen marten Jan 13, 2024, 1:56 PM

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im prolly at the heaviest ive been

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like

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ever

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and it wont stop eating away at me

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no pun intended

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i cant help but think abt how theres no future for me

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i have literally nothing to look forward to

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i have nothing left for me

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i dont wanna do this anymore

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i cried

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didnt help as much as i thought it would lol

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it sucks

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and the self hatred is so so so strong

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its unbearable

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i cant hold it in

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and i hate that im such a goody two shoes

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even my own parents think so

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thats how u know u rlly suck lol

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im garbage

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and i wanna die

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it would hirt my family alot

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but better now than later right?

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better than becoming an adult then hacing them realise ive been unhappy half my life

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that would be unfair

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and im so scared and stressed for for school

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i better get the blade ready

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i have a feeling 2024 is gonna be rough

keen marten Jan 14, 2024, 11:53 PM

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i hate my body lolololol

keen marten Jan 15, 2024, 4:00 PM

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i hate myself

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i shpuld go die

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i relapsed again

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and i rlly wanna cut

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already

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again

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i suck

keen marten Jan 17, 2024, 12:46 PM

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i hate that today shouldve benn good

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but my stupid brain made me feel horrible

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its so unfair

keen marten Jan 17, 2024, 1:23 PM

#

#

found this and it rlly resonated with me

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kinda sad lol

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everything ive wanted to say but didnt know how

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ugh

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i hate myself

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i hate that i can be good at something new straight away

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i wish i was good enough

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i wish i was someone else

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i hate myself so much ugh

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i just need someone to care

keen marten Jan 18, 2024, 3:05 PM

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god i hate myself

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and im seeing a worrying

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idk

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sign?

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symptom?

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idk

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but like

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ive been getting so angry and annoyed recently

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like the smallest things will set me off

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idk why

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this is not good beacuse ik that im gonna bust eventually

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and its not gonna br pretty

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everytime i get rlly annoyed amd angry like today

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i end up getting rlly strong sh urges

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like i just keep imagining dragging a blade across my forearm and it helps to keep me stable

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embarrassing that i do this

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and school is rapidly approaching

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im so anxious

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its gonna be tough

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and im so scared that my mh is gonna take a madsive dip

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mot gonna be fun

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and im super stressed abt what teachers im going to have

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brcause lets be real

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a good or bad teacher can make or breal the year for u

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everything is just so icky rn

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at least my vision is stable

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so yeah

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one less thing to be worried abt

keen marten Jan 19, 2024, 10:14 AM

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i want to kill myself

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eveything in my brain hurts

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i hate this

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i want to die

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i hate feeling like this

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its so awful

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life doesnt have a point to it

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lowkey think i should just pick a date and go with it lol

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theres still so much i need to do tho

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write notes

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collect tools

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just the thought almost discourages me

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i have no energy left in me

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i want to die

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i need to cut rlly bad rn

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ugh i wanna move away from here and start over

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maybe in a new country or city or smth

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idk

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i need to restart

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i need to make my family hate me so i can die without them being sad

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how can i make them hate me

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whats something so evil and vile

#

that they could never love me for

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its gonna hurt

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but its for the best right?

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i cant cope

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I need to die

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die

#

die

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die

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die

#

die

keen marten Jan 20, 2024, 2:20 PM

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i think someone ended their life on the rails near by

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its kinda scary

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and it makes me sad

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this is the second one ive heard of in this manner near me

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in like 2 years

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i dont even know anything about them

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but idk it just makes me sad

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to know someone was struggling near me

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idk why this is hitting me so hard

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is it because i can relate?

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im so confused

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and just sad

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suddenly it feels so scary and selfish to have thoughts like that

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i hate how my brain feels certain ways abt thinsg

keen marten Jan 20, 2024, 3:35 PM

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oop look whos back

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me

#

here

#

venting

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yet again

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god all my failures are coming back to me

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im such a failure

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and a bad friend

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and awful person

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i deserve to die lol

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so many things on my mind

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ig first os that

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i need to snap out of it and realise no one really cares

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idk no one has like picked up on anything

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am i just that good at being normal?

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i just want someone to care

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i mean i dont even think my friends notice

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but like even if they do

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they cant help

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theyre just as helpless as i am

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and thry hve their own garbage to deal with mo including me

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i sound so entitled rn

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i just want someone to care

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i feel so selfish

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i deserve to dir

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i wish some one older would notice

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an adult

#

amyonr but my parents

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they are the best

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but genuinely dont understand

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they think they do

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but they dont

#

they were telling my cousin

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that you have to be positive

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brcause theres kids dying in wars rn

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like i understand that and i genuinely wish that wasnt the case

#

but thats not what i need to hear rn

#

this ig is a reason my parebst cant find out abt me

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and my atupid lil brain

#

and the sh urges are hitting hard

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i was holding the blade to my arm

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but i cant do it rn

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not until summer is over at the very least

#

i just miss my scars

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ughhhh

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prefects

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idk if i wanna bother teying

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im just gonna get hurt again

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i will

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but if i miss out

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genuinely

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idk how im gonna cope lol

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i dont rlly have a shot anws

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nobody likes me

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im not good at anythimg

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i suck

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i suck i suck i suck

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im an idiot

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im an idiot for thinking i could do anything

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im an idiot for thinking i might be someone

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i should just kms

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im a failure

#

a big fast failure

#

i feel liek thos year is gonna be my last

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but then again

#

ivr been sayong that for 3 years now lol

#

so ig im just stuck here

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geeeeeez

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why do i wanna hurt myself so badc

keen marten Jan 21, 2024, 12:48 PM

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gahhhhhhhh

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time tables came out

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im in english B

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im supposed to be good at english

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this world makes no sense

#

i hate myself now

#

if only i didnt try to be so edgy in the last assessment

#

i should just been more traidtional

#

ughhh

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not in stupid A

#

im struggling in maths

#

and im gonan bomb out

#

im gonna freaking bomb out

#

and then im failing at english too

#

istg im a big fat failure

#

i mean ughhhhh

#

like i suck at the thing im supposed to be good at

#

bye bye esteem

#

i suck

#

i suckkkkk

keen marten Jan 21, 2024, 11:16 PM

#

alr english classes are still a bit fuzzy rn

#

im pretty sure im not in the highest tho but theres still hope

#

bit anws

#

i need to vent this out

#

and i feel awful abt it

#

but genuinely arghhhhh

#

i have this friend who is rlly sweet

#

and i shared a class 2 years ago

#

and same thing this year

#

they are rlly nice just it doesnt work out in a classroom setting

#

thry would constantly steal glances at my work

#

i would find myself always doing our group tasks

#

and thats sorta thing

#

i think i was already super bad mentally at the time

#

and it just stressed me out

#

not to mention when i told my parebts

#

they told me to toughen up and stop being so weak

#

andddd they wonder why i dont tell them things

#

anywaysssss

#

gosh this is making me feel sick

#

its not that big of a deal

#

im am 2 years older

#

i can learn to manage it

#

it doesnt matter

#

it dorsnt matter

#

it will be fine

#

i saw my timetablr last night and i was feeling okay

#

not anymote

#

ughhh

keen marten Jan 24, 2024, 5:20 AM

#

i feel so annoyed

#

why do they always have to criticize me

#

im trying my hardest

#

stop pushing me down

#

im sorry im so flipping weak

#

im sorry im such a doormat

#

do u think i like feeling like this?

#

im not going out of my way to purposely be a doormat

#

i cant help it

#

i wqnt people to like me

#

besides im so trash anyways

#

i don’t deserve anything

#

i hate this sonmuch

#

like please stop

#

all the time

#

all this criticism

#

i hate it

#

i hate me

#

stop yelling at me

#

i already hate myself

#

stop making it worse

#

istg im this 🤏 to sh

#

im sorry i hate people being mad at me

#

im sorry

#

i suck

#

ill just go die in a whole

#

im highkey laughing rn

#

im just remembering how my school counselor told me

#

im not a people pleaser

#

she told me im not doormatty enuf

#

likr wth

#

even if it wasnt true

#

why tell me in such a way

#

not only tgat

#

at tge time i was getting severely doormatted

#

and i was just trying to vent my frustrations

#

i love being invalidated

#

its sooooo fun

#

i initially went to get help with my horribly low mood and stress

#

i was literally at the point of barely functioning

#

i got told

#

i want bad enough to have depression and anxiety

#

that really made me feel even worse about myself

#

i felt like an even bigger burden

#

faking mental issues

#

i hated that

#

ugh

#

that was the worst

keen marten Jan 24, 2024, 6:01 AM

#

why do i feel so trapped in my own house

#

this is weird lol

#

i just rlly wanna get away from here

#

everyone is just suffocating me

keen marten Jan 24, 2024, 9:26 AM

#

im gonna sh tonight

#

i dont think i wanna go in tmr

#

i think ill quiy

#

its not worth it

#

im never gonna be good enuf

#

im gonna slice my thighs tonight

#

i cant handle it

#

theres too much in my chest rn

keen marten Jan 24, 2024, 11:13 AM

#

istg im gonna kill myself

#

i cant cope anymore

#

everything is overwhelming

#

i had like 2 good days

#

and everything is going downhill again

#

i want to die

#

i hate this

#

i hate me

#

i want to stab myself

#

ughhhhhhh

#

lowkey want to msg a helpline or smth

#

but i dont need it as much as someone else

keen marten Jan 24, 2024, 12:09 PM

#

i feel like crying

#

how am i supposed to cope with this

#

everything hurts

#

should i back out?

keen marten Jan 27, 2024, 11:45 PM

#

im ao overwhelmed rn

#

i have such a long todo list

#

thata needs to be done over the next few days

#

like i cant do it

#

but at the same time im sitting here on discord

keen marten Jan 30, 2024, 1:10 PM

#

i feel like i keep screwing things up left and right

#

i hate how past me was to overwhelmed

#

and i hate how that screwed up now me

#

i wish i had photographic memory

#

i hate how i didnt want it

#

and now suddenyl i want it and now im scared of losing it

#

i feel like a major failure

#

i hate how everything i do isnt right

#

how can i expect myself to do some manu things when last year i was drowning in homework

#

and lets be real

#

that was all my fault

#

i was too slack and stupid

#

sh urges keep coming and going and its so annoying

#

i need to focus ughhh

keen marten Jan 31, 2024, 11:24 PM

#

gotta shake out the nerves

#

idk feeling this anxious isnt right

#

and its kinda annoying

#

and i gotta quit the over thinking

#

stupid brain

#

likr minus the past few days have been alr?

#

i still have so much to do tho

#

and so little time

keen marten Feb 1, 2024, 12:37 PM

#

idk why do i just dread it so much

#

like i chose this

#

i made the decision

#

im the one making the mistakes

#

ugh

#

maybe thats why i hate

#

because i hate making mistakes

#

hate hate hate them

keen marten Feb 2, 2024, 12:58 PM

#

everytime i even think about it i just want to just disappear

#

like why do i dread it so much

#

it doesnt make sense

#

this is not normal

#

on a different note

#

first day done

#

it went better than expected

#

teachers seem good

#

i was okay for a bit

#

the for an unexplained reason crashed after school

#

so that was fun

#

and completely unnecessary

keen marten Feb 3, 2024, 12:02 AM

#

why do i feel so trash today??

keen marten Feb 3, 2024, 6:21 AM

#

istg my mood is so awful today

#

why am i back into imma off mysef mode

#

justttt great

#

i want to just be alone and sleep or smth

keen marten Feb 5, 2024, 11:56 AM

#

my brain is not coping today

#

notttttt good at all

#

i hate feeling this way

#

i hate feeling so stressed and overhwlemed

#

i want to rip out my brain and just lay in my bed forever

#

everything is freaking me out

#

i just want to be alone

#

and ppl irl keep tryna talk to me

#

i just dont have the energy rn

#

i dont wanna deal with tmr anymore

#

im tired but i dont want tmr to come

#

so i dont want to sleep

#

ugh

#

why cant i just

#

idk

#

break free and do nothing

#

ik society has to function

#

but i dont know if i cant do this for another 70 years

#

why cant life just be peaceful drives at midnight

#

and rain pattering on the window

#

why does it have to be so hard and stressful

#

i wish i was better at things

#

i wish i knew how to be instantly good at things

keen marten Feb 6, 2024, 10:52 AM

#

dont feel so good rn

#

just genuinely feel just awful

#

i want to remove my brain and just be done

#

i actually wanna do my maths rn

#

but i dont have access to the questions and its stressing me out

#

and i dont think i wanna continue working

#

its stressing me out

#

i just hate that i keep making mistakes

#

i want to walk

#

but i think its too late

#

and i just feel so jealous of other ppl right now

#

like i get that what you see on youtube isnt the only reality

#

but its hard not to be envious of it

#

its hard to not want a life like that

#

i hate myself so much

#

i wish i didnt end up the way i have

#

i hate how chubby my arms have gotten

#

i feel so stupid

#

i hate everything about myself

#

i just wanna toss myself off a roof or something

#

just want to rip out my brain

#

istg idk how to cope

#

and why does it always get so bad at night time

#

i hate this

#

i dont know what im supposed to do anymore

#

i just want to

#

idk

#

just sleep

#

or zone out

#

and not deal with life rn

#

everything feels so hard

#

so difficult

keen marten Feb 7, 2024, 12:39 PM

#

this is embarrassing that im already falling behind

#

ugh

#

and im not looking forward to work

#

i hate that i keep making mistakes

#

i dont think its worth the effort

#

idk if i can cope with so many things as once

#

and added to that tmr

#

ugh

#

im mostly over it

#

and im trying to not let it get to me

#

im trying to let others talk to me abt it

#

im glad they have

#

it still hurts but like thats my problem

#

i dont wanna be treated like a snowflake

#

but ugh i wish i didnt care so much

#

idk why today i was just so tired and zoned out

#

like this is not a trend i wanna be setting rn

#

not good

#

at least after tmr

#

it should be better

#

ugh

#

why am i so cringe and annoying lol

#

i always seem to make mistakes

#

say obviously the wrong things at the wrong time

#

why do i have such an intense need to people please

#

why do i need everyone to like me

#

whats wrong with me

#

why am i on discord when i’ve barely started my homwork

#

stupid rat

keen marten Feb 9, 2024, 4:17 AM

#

i cant get this unsettled feeling outa me

#

its so annoying

#

like why can u just feel good and normal

#

u had a good day

#

stupid moron

#

like legit

#

it was basically a day off

#

I wanna tear out my stupid dumb brain

keen marten Feb 9, 2024, 4:49 AM

#

ajdiejbdjdjwbebdb

#

stupid urges

#

its weird how easy it was for me to relapse

#

i wanna relapse again

#

even tho i did yesterday already

#

istg my mood is the worst

#

it switches so much

#

i just wanna feel good

keen marten Feb 9, 2024, 2:10 PM

#

why am i so clingy and annoying???

keen marten Feb 10, 2024, 7:53 AM

#

#

ugh why is this so relatable

#

and i have a stupid sore throat

#

everything is ao annoying rn

#

i hate how trashy i feel

#

and i hate how trashy i am

#

idk if i actually wanna grt caught

#

but like

#

my friend has been going abt with relatively obvious scars

#

like okay maybe ik bc ik

#

but i dont think its that unclear that its sh

#

ironically we have wellbeing teachers

#

and they havent mentioned anything?

#

i just feel like i can’t subtly ask for help now

#

right out asking just is so daunting for me

#

i need to be approached first yk?

#

i just have no hope now that i might get noticed

#

ig im just stuck on my own now

keen marten Feb 10, 2024, 11:07 PM

#

ughhhhh

#

i cant so this

#

im gonna get sacked

#

im so useless and hopeless

#

i make so many mistakes

#

i wanna go back in time and just never accept

#

im getting so stressed out over it and its mot worth it

#

if i wasnt such a failure and could do thibgs right it would be finr

#

but its not

#

because im a failure

#

stupid flipping failure

#

im not cut out for the real world

#

its too hard

#

i want to quit

#

because ik im gonna get booted out if i dont

#

i wish wish wish i never accepted

#

its been such a stupid stressor on me for nothing

#

ive already wasted the past 2 days

#

what a stupid idiot

#

ive been having the worst urges and ugh

#

i should quit

#

but like

#

i would want it

#

if i knew i could hold it down and wasnt making so many mistakes

#

i suck

#

i should go die

#

thr anxiousness is just sitting in side me and wont go away

#

everyone else is so much better and smatter than me

#

how can those kids hold down a job but i cant??

#

im too lazy

#

i dont work hard enuf

#

a pathetic stupid failure

#

die

#

i shouldnt be overwhelmed by something as basic as this

#

ive had so many chances

#

i keep making stupid errors

#

and idk why

#

i am sotting down and trying to learn

#

and i get there and blank

#

the atupir pressure blanks me out

#

why am i like this

#

maybe if i actually spent the last 2 days practicing it would be okay

#

UGHHHHH

#

im mot cut out for life

keen marten Feb 13, 2024, 4:14 AM

#

so nervous to go to wotk

#

honestly this is my last chance

#

if i screw up today

#

well

#

yk

#

on the bright side

#

maths is going alr

#

im keepig up with it

keen marten Feb 15, 2024, 8:18 AM

#

woop

#

that shift went well

#

today not so much

#

im not cut out for the real world

#

idk whats wrong with me

#

this job

#

im not even joking

#

is so easy

#

its literally memorising a couple things

#

and doing them

#

why am i so hopeless

#

im so stupid

#

i feel like im loosing grip of everything

#

i cant cope with this

#

why am i like this

#

im not taking school seriously

#

im not doing my job right

#

ughhhhhh

#

i want to slice my arms up

#

im not a good person

#

i suck

#

everything i touch

#

i ruin

#

i wish i could be better

#

i wish i could be anyone but me

#

everyone around me is coping so well

#

how come im not?

keen marten Feb 17, 2024, 2:39 PM

#

why does everything feel so bla rn

#

im so scared for the future

#

like everyone keep talking abt jobs and uni

#

and like

#

theres nothing that i feel like i could do as a career that would make me feel happy

#

like idk if there is a future out there for me

#

like all the subjects i like in school rn

#

lead to very boring or repetitive jobs

#

tbf ai will prolly take over them anws

#

i dont think there is a life path out there

#Abyss' Journal