Abyss' Journal | Huddle | Page 2

keen marten Nov 7, 2023, 12:49 PM

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i feel so stupid

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i need to care

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why dont i care enuf

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this is so weird

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i hate this crazy state

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of just

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no motivation

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my geo assessment is prolly gonna be due friday as well

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i havent even done any

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and idk if my group memebers have either

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this is going so badly

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i hate how this is

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i just need to pull myself together

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and im falling behind in maths

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AGAIN

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i promised to not let that happen

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AGAIn

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but it did

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ughhhh

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why am i like this

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i feel so ugly and stupid

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i have the perfect life

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and im screwing it up

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i have no one to blame but me

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istg if i muck up my grades now

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im literally so done with myself

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i keep making mistakes everyday

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like stupid mistakes but i cant get over it

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i hate myself

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im an awful person

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tw sh

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i was standing there with the blade

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i so desperately wanted to screw up my arms

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by i cant

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because its almost stupid summer

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and i have to wear short sleeves for a few events that are coming up

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ughhh

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i settled for my wrist

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trusty ol watch

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what would i do without u

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at least the scars on my wrist are really pretty and obvious

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i shouldn't be like this

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and i hate sm that i am

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i read a post earlier abt how someone was feeling akward abt having 3 teachers check in on them in one day

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geez im so jealous

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to have someone actually notice

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that would be so nice

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its so pathetic that sometimes i do attention seeky stuff and still no one asks

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i just want someone to care

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idk what to do atp

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i better stop now and actually go do smth useful

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maybe i should just wing my test

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im not ready either way

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so screw me

keen marten Nov 8, 2023, 12:51 PM

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ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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why is my brain like thisssss

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it was an alr day

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idk what i was doing half the time

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at least it wasn't rlly calss

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goddddd i needa learn to shut up

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and being so attention seeking

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i need to learn about how to squash down my feelings

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and keep them where they belong

keen marten Nov 8, 2023, 1:20 PM

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oop feeling TheUrgesTM rn

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i wish i had better social skills

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i wish i wasnt so sad and annoying

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maybe if i hadnt wasted all night

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i might actually be finished

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i hate myself

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why do i do this

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every

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single

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time

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why do i suck at everything i do

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ughhhh

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theres a position i wanna try out for

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but like

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i cant even look after myself lol

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so dont even think its worth trying out for

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i feel so pathetic

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i feel so disgusting and awful

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idk why i always feel this way at night time

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its weird

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I desperately wanna hurt myself

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ngl the only reason i havent been cutting is bc i dont wanna have to deal with the first aid aspect

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im waiting for the energy to come bc i just wanna go and slice my thighs up

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i just wanna sit here for a while

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i dont wanna deal with school and ppl tmr

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its too much

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im over everything

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lowkey dont wanna wake up and deal with life tmr

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idk what’s wrong with me

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i feel so broken

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i kinda wanna talk abt it

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but then i remember

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theres nothing to talk abt

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im just complaing abt my perfect life with my perfect family with my perfect house and education and everything

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even if i wanted to talk to someone

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there arent real issues to talk abt

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its just my brain feeling bad

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I dont have to deal with disphoria or break ups or grief or anything like that

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I literally have the perfect life

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i wish i could get over the wanting someone to notice phase

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I feel so annoying and clingy

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like stop

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nobody even likes u

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i jsut want someone to care enuf to notice

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idk anymore

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maybe all this mh stuff is a lie

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i made it all up

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im so mad ar how much ive been slacking rcebtly

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idk if this is better or worse than last year

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last year i was more vocal but thats bc i actually jad stuff around me being tough

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this year nothing has gone wrong

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why am i like this

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maybe its not too late to off myself

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should i just ride out christmas

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everything is making me sick and anxious

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i hatr how my brain is obsessively all over relapsing

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like shut up

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go away

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stop

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my head is too loud some days

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Tw sh

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i saw my scars in the light today

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they were pretty

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then i went home and rlly looked at them

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i realised how they were barely there

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idk im over myself

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all i do is complain

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i wish i was a more interesting person

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Why do i always wanna off myself at this time of day

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im just so exhausted

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idk anymore

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i hate my face lol

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everything looks all wrong

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idk anymore

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i wanna cry

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i remember how my friend started meda

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ans how although i was hapoy for them

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i felt kinda jealous that they were bad enuf for them

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im kinda here with mh issues that leave me barely functioning

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thats the thing tho

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im still functioning

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amd thats all ppl see

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im not cut out for this world

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ahahhaha cut

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i didnt even mean the pun

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im an awful person

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im scared to finish this year

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im so so so scared

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idk what im doing anymore

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should i relapse

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i feel like it will help me feel better

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i mean

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worth a shot rigth?

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idk if i wanna flush the streak down the drain

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ik i will care tmr

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but rn

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i cant

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i just wanna feel good

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i cant do this anymore

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kinda funny that ive had a sorta plan in my head for a while

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but idk if it will actually work

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ngl the hassle of dying almost seems to outweigh dealing with this

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i need to go fix myself but like

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whats the point now

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everything hurts

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ig i just try to sleep now

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sigh

keen marten Nov 9, 2023, 11:07 AM

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i cant do thisss

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my stupid assessment is due tmr

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and nobody got the stupid due date straight

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so now its due tmr

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and i thought i would have more time

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i cant do this

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nobody in my group is organised

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idk what to do

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istg if this screws up my geo marks

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im pretty sure im coming top few ppl in my class

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and istg if i slip up now

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its not fair

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why

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i give up

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im doneee

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its not even close to finisihed

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ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

keen marten Nov 10, 2023, 4:33 AM

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Its all my fault

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screw my pathetic thinking

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just do ur part and let consequences happen to others

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NO

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thats not how it work

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i should know better

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this is the first time ever that I’ve submitted an incomplete assessment

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and if i just sucked it up

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and did everyone elses work

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it would be fine

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now my grades are gonna be screwed up

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my 97% average is dead

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so much for coming first in class

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i shoulda know better

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1 person didnt even start and the others work looks like it was written by chat gpt

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im so done

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if i hadn’t procrastinated so much

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i couldve finished their parts

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at least my grades wouldnt br dead

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in so stupid and dumb

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to everyone who has ever given me tgat advice

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screw u

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ur all liars

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its easier to shovel myself down and just do the work

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but like

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atp we all know i was too much of a lazy butt to do it

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i didnt have time to do the others work even if i wanted

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i was too busy procrastinating

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idk why do i care sm

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ughhhhhhhh

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i hate group tasks with a burning passion

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im so done

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ngl this anger is kinda nice

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for once im angry at someone else who isnt me

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i wonder if i was too harsh tho

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idk anymore

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everything else wasnt all that much better either

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i had stupid intrusive thoughts today

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i feel disgusting thinking abt them

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and scared and anxious too

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i cant tell if theyre genuine feelings or feelings made up by my intrusive thoughts

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im so scared and confused by it

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why am i like thissss

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screw these thoughts

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i cant tell if my thoughts from that time were intrusive thoughts or like real thoughts

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its scares me sm

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its gross and terrifying

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i wish i could talk abt my intrusive thoughts but like

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theyre so awful

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i cant say them to anyone

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i carry so much shame and fear

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idk

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whatelse

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i had a good story idea for my english assessment

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helps me feel more prepared ig

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idk tho

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im kinda over school but at the same time

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im terrified of school ending

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next year is gonna be so different

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im scared i wont be able to keep up

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and have no friends

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istg some days i just wanna rip my brain out

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its weird

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i feel hungry?

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but i rlly dont wanna eat lol

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not even like me not wantin to but like

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I literally have no desire to eat

keen marten Nov 10, 2023, 1:35 PM

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rlly tired rn

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i thought i was over it

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that i didnt care anymore

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nope

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still feels like the biggest punch to the gut ever

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it was so nice holding the blade to my arm

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I desperately wanted to just go at it

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but i cant

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i gotta stay clean on my arms

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it felt so good

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arms is just better

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u cant tell me otherise

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isk why i suddenly feel like crying

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i wish i could

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but the tears never fall

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Im the worlds worst person

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literally the worst

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im such a bad sibling

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why do they put up with me

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and why do my parents have to be stuck with a stupid kid like me

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how do still even have friends?

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I just hate myself sm

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im an awful person

keen marten Nov 14, 2023, 3:55 AM

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i feel so selfish

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my mum is going thru such a tough time

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and im not helping

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i suck sm

keen marten Nov 14, 2023, 11:57 AM

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im the least confrontational person ever but someone is just annoying me so much

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like stop

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why are u being such a baby

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literally grow up

keen marten Nov 15, 2023, 10:09 AM

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dealing with ppl is hard

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idk if she hates me

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maybe im being too sensitive

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ik it wasnt mean

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i think

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but i got so confused and took it badly

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goshhhh why am i over thinkinggggg

keen marten Nov 16, 2023, 11:42 AM

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feeling uglyyy

keen marten Nov 17, 2023, 6:50 AM

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i hate that i feel so different to other kids

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i hate being me

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im too serious all the time

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im glad i get a do over with my team

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but like

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i think im blowing it

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i hate myself

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everyone should hate me

keen marten Nov 17, 2023, 1:17 PM

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immmm an idiottttt

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literally dont know when to shut up

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i wish i was better at being like other ppl

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why do i find it so hard to keep up a normal conversation

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i always say the wrong things

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at the wrong time

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ughhh

keen marten Nov 17, 2023, 1:46 PM

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i wanna cry

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i just realised this is the only thing giving me purpose rn

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as soon as its over my life gors back to being meaningless

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i feel sick rhinking about it

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this whole time ive been so caught up i didnt even realise it

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ill go back to being the pathetic little loser i am

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ughhhhh

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im going to fail in life

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ik it

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anws better enjoy the next few weeks before i go back to being a waste of oxygen

keen marten Nov 18, 2023, 3:42 AM

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why am i so fat

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heard abt someone who was wayyyyy lighter than me

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wooo hoooo

keen marten Nov 19, 2023, 5:50 AM

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everything is overwhelming

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exhausting

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and annoyingg

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i wanna crawl back into bed

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i have so much work to catch up on

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and im too stupid and slow to understand any of it

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ugh

keen marten Nov 19, 2023, 6:09 AM

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i've wasted all day

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again

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time keeps ticking by

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and i dont get started

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im too stupid for this

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if it was easy

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i would just do it

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i hate myself

keen marten Nov 19, 2023, 10:48 AM

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im so good at disappointing people in my life

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its actually astonising

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like istg i deserve a gold award for how good i am at it

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ughh

keen marten Nov 22, 2023, 11:52 AM

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im so done with today

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im honestly too tired to be irriated now

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but i did not deserve to be yelled at like that

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like i get it

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i made a mistake

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okay fine

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i appologised

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idk why u were so angry at me

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like

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go get a life

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u pathetic moron

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u made me relapse

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hope ur happy

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so stupid

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i was already having such an off day

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and u just went and dragged me thru the mud

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idc who do u think u are

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screw u to the moon and back

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i hate u

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anws im so tired today

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idk what happened

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i didnt do much

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i just want today to be over

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the whole day was exhausting

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i was just getting tossed around all day

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so many things

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ughhhh

keen marten Nov 22, 2023, 9:20 PM

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I DONT WANNA GO TO SCHOOOOOOLL

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ughhhhhhhh

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i am so tired

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i dont have the energy to deal with people

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there are so many things on my mind

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i wanna cry

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i hate some ppl

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and myself

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its nice to be mad at someone else

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lowkey want the world to open up and swallow me lol

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idk how i feel so awful at 8 am

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this is not great nor ideal lol

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im an anxious ball rn

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everything feels sucky this morning

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i wanna roll back into bed rn

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everything sucksssss

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i hate that i feel like this

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and like

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and not even in class tmr

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i should be happy abt it

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my brain is too nervous

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im not good enough

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we’re screwe

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ughhhhh now i have to eatt

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i hate myself so much

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i hate me i hate me i hate me

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oh yeah

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tw sh

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i had a dream abt mucking around with blades

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and like

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2 teachers swung by and didnt even question it

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i wanna cut now lol

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i hate myself

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ughhh gtg school now

keen marten Nov 23, 2023, 1:33 PM

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the self hatred i feel rn is unreal

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i hate myself with such a strong burning passion

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im not good enough

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just stared at my scars and just wanna sh

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i feel rlly awful rn and idk why

keen marten Nov 24, 2023, 1:42 PM

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i cant tell whether im an idiot and im being too much

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or like

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they actually did some less great things

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thinking abt it

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it wasnt that bad

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just crossing roads when there weren’t lights

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and yelling and fighting

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jokingly

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but loud

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idk

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its not me

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im too proper

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im a goody two shoes

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i cant keep up

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i feel like im not good enuf

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im so scared

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we’re gonna come dead last

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lose every single debate

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part of me can see us winning

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other half is terrified gor failure

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im just idk

keen marten Nov 25, 2023, 5:39 AM

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i needa channel the motivation to get my work done

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it’s embarrassing how i cant

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i wish i wasnt so dang lazy

keen marten Nov 25, 2023, 6:01 AM

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great another day wasted

keen marten Nov 26, 2023, 6:23 AM

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i want to curl into a ball

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cry

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and

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tw sh

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cut

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im so sick of myself

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im so sick being me

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i cant to anything right

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im a freaking failure

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i cant get basic homework done

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i dont deserve to live

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my allergies have been so awful today

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i hate myself

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i cant just sit down

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and work like a normal perin

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i deserve to die

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someone else deserves my life more than me

keen marten Nov 26, 2023, 12:46 PM

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im feeling uglyyyyy

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and sitting on my butt

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i gotta sleep in 10 minutes

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and i havent practiced for my testtttt

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woooo hooooooo

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im a failureeeeeee

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just saw something that reminded me how much i suck

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honestly ig its for the best

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but at the same time

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im still so disappointed

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and i still hate myself

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i wish i was someone else

keen marten Nov 26, 2023, 1:33 PM

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tw sh

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feeling an intense urge to run a blade over my arms

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it would feel so nice

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idk i prolly shouldn’t have given myself a taster last night lol

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now i just want that feeling

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thats pain and goodness

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i sounds so sick rn

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but idc

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i drserve to die

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i wanna be kicked and punched

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i deserve the pain

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i don’t deserve my life

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ngl if not for this

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i would prolly be dead by now

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idk if i coulda held it together for this long wothout it

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it gave me hope

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something to look forward to

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its almost gone

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after that

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ig i can go

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idk if living is for me

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im never gonna anount to anything

keen marten Nov 27, 2023, 4:49 AM

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feel kinda numbed out lol

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idk if it is numbness

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but yk

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feel like blank

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whqtever u get the point

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anws

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todat was alr

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i have training in a bit so that should be fun

keen marten Nov 27, 2023, 10:19 AM

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i cant handle my emotions rn

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i need to be over it

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but im not

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i feel rlly trash rn

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i wish i didnt feel so jealous

keen marten Nov 27, 2023, 1:52 PM

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i feel super awful rn

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i hate myself

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after sitting around for a while i feel slightly less suicidal

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so thats good ig

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im still hurting

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i know i cant be perfect

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but

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i cant know it

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ive been feeling rlly awful this past few days

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idk why

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i was so distracted before

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i feel sick

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all my hard work

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ish

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will be do or die in a weeks time

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im so scared

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im an idiot

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i suck

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im not cut out for this

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i wanna cry

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everything is too much

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i just disappoint everyone

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i suck

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idk i mean

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what sorta person has a blade graveyard

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only someone as sick as me clearly

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sometimes i just scroll thru my journal

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its weird so see how what i was feeling months ago is still relevant

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i desperately wish life had a pause button

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i need the extra time

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i need time to recharge and fix myself

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thats not possible ig

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idk if im gonna br alive this time next year

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i kinda wanna be gone

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if it wasnt for this tournament

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idk if id even be alive

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i wonder what the world would be like

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if i died in april

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would my small pocket be better

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would people be happier?

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i remember last year

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i used to count on my fingers

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who would care if i left

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now im too scared to count

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what if the answer is wrong

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im just feeling so blank rn

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i wanna feel the blade on my skin

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see the blood drip from my wrists

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stain the tissues crimson

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i wanna feel that euphoria

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i never rlly understood how it could be an addiction

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it sounded stupid

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but that euphoria

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u don’t understand til u’ve felt it

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i keep thinking abt that

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i never would seek ot elsewhere

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but idk

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sounds nice to just tune out for a while

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my scars on my arms are basically gone

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like literally wont even see em

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i coild prolly stop wearing a jumper

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but ig i just want someone to care enuf

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and ask

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pick up on the signs

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i want someone to see im not fine

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i dont need advice

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i just need to know u care

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anyone

keen marten Nov 28, 2023, 10:15 AM

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today was

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bah

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i survived

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wasted most of it

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barely worked in class

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disnt focus

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ig i didnt wanna focus

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everything is creeping up too fast

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my presentation is due in a couple days

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im not even close to nearly ready for the comp

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my science test is on thursday

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idk what im doing

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sitting on discord

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wasting time

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i keep messing things up

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idk why i always start feeling so suicidal around now

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its not like i have like

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wanted to rlly live

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but at least in the morning i can handle it

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i feel like a rlly trash friend

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and kid

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i hate that i hold so much jealousy and resentment

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when i was never good enough any ways

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it worries me so much

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that i dont really care abt my grades any more

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i mean

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on the one hand

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i haven’t cut abt grades recently at all

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but then

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i just get upset about my lack of caring

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i wanna just sleep for 2 weeks

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im too tired to carry on

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everything about me is a lie

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im not fine

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im not doing good at all

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i just wanna flop down and cry

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everyone should hate me

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i wanna win so bad

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but idk

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i suck

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in some magical universe

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we could

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but im gonna drag everyone down

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my ideas suck

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and im not working on it

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and im sitting here

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being a lazy piece of trash

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wasting time

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i hate myself so much

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i keep looking at ppl around me

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theyre all so much thinner

#

im so fat

#

i know im fat

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i weigh so freaking much

#

im a fatty fat blob of fat

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i cant stop eating

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im just so good at shoveling junk into me

#

ew

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i hate my face

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its so ugly

#

everything about me is wrong

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i cant stand straight

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i look ugly

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my arms are so chunky

#

my face looks so disproportionate

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i was just sitting in maths today

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and almost started crying

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i already felt like such a failure today

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for missing out

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then i started thinking abt how ugly and stupid i was

#

its clear everyone is over me

#

geez im over me

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im a stinking piece of trash

keen marten Nov 30, 2023, 10:02 AM

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i feel stunned

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i guessed but didnt know for sure

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it makes me sad and worried

#

idk

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anws i had my last ever training sesh

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its only dawning on me now

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thats it

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im on my own now

keen marten Dec 1, 2023, 5:08 AM

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i suck

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i failed my test

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it’s embarrassing how badly i did

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i wanna dieeeeeeeee

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and new achievement unlocked ig lol

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i left class to go cut in the bathrooms

#

ive never been so desperate that i couldnt wait til lunch

#

ig i kiss my ranking away

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i suck

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im a failure

#

i deserve to die

#

kids who were away half the time beat me

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it’s embarrassing

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im a freaking failure

keen marten Dec 1, 2023, 1:49 PM

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im trashhhhhhhhh

keen marten Dec 2, 2023, 3:49 AM

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idk mayyyybe i shouldn’t have flickrd thru that particular dm

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i didnt realise it was that bad

#

i was pretty stupid

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why did i deal with that guilt tripping and manipulation

#

ig i couldnt see at the time

#

threatening me with suicide was wrong

#

but i was scared and stupid

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and ig that was easy to take advantage of

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im just an easy person to manipulate in general

keen marten Dec 5, 2023, 2:54 PM

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its sad

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i feel so sad

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its over

#

i wanna turn back time

#

its finished

#

and i failed

#

but not only that

#

the good and excitment is over

#

it ngl kept me alive

#

idk now

#

ive lost my purpose again

#

idk what im gonna do

#

floating thru life life like this

#

we didnt even do that good

#

i wanna start today over again

#

make better decisions

#

idk anymore

#

im gonna be so sad when this is over

#

t-minus 10 hours

#

and like 6 of those are sleeping

#

im devastated

#

ik its not the end

#

but it feels like it

#

theres gonna be other opportunities

#

but this was my one and obly shot

#

and i failed

#

i screwed it up

keen marten Dec 6, 2023, 11:18 AM

#

i feel pretty trash today ngl

#

but like i managed to cry

#

so whatever lol

#

idk if it helped

#

but i made me valid and feel normal

#

geez feeling normal

#

i see other ppl with their best friends and stuff

#

and i feel so differrent

#

my current friend group is amazing

#

its just

#

sometimes i feel like things are missing

#

i feel so different

#

i long for the sorta relationship others have

#

i had a taste of it and its gone now

#

i've loved the chance to reinvent myself

#

im so glad i didnt push myself to be so much like my normal self

#

its true that i changed aspects of myself

#

but at the same time

#

even tho i did stupid things

#

i felt like i belonged

#

it was nice

#

o feel normal

#

to be like other kids my age

#

idk it was just nice

#

to feel like this

#

what else

#

ugh i feel so miserable

#

i have a stupid maths topic test tmr

#

im not ready

#

and i know nothing

#

honestly i've given up

#

i wanna cry again lol

#

idk how i feel so freaking awful

#

i feel like i wanna vent it out

#

but at the same time

#

even if i did have a way to

#

what do i even say

#

idk why

#

but i feel so suicidal again

#

and im getting such bad sh urges

#

everything feels so difficult for me rn

#

i cant handle it

keen marten Dec 6, 2023, 9:02 PM

#

i shouldnt be screwing with my future like fhis

#

like rn i cant see myself getting past like next year

#

and in just not trying hard

#

i cant be playing around like this

#

if i dont die

#

im screwed

#

now i have 2 options

#

either power on

#

and actually get smart

#

or die

#

i dont think im meant tor this world honestly

#

i dont think im gonna be anyone special

#

and like thats fine

#

but yk

#

im a rat

#

i should go die

#

im a failure

#

i cant pull myself together

#

im a piece of trash

#

this doesnt feel good

#

i hate that i have no control over thsi

#

i wanna stay home

#

i cant deal with school today

#

i feel suffocated

#

i cant with this

#

and my school mucked up my attendance

#

HOW STUPID ARE THEYYUU

#

like im literally representing the school

#

hwo do u just muck that up

#

so freaking annoying

#

now i have to go deal with the passive agressive office ladies

#

who have a problem with me for breathing

#

ME TOO

#

ur not special

#

now stop being a jekr

#

god i hate ppl sometimes

#

i should just skip lol

#

im so done

#

i wanna cry

keen marten Dec 8, 2023, 6:24 AM

#

finally finished with this week

#

1 more week to go

#

idk why ive felt so trash the last few days

#

its so weird

#

i mean someone even picked up on it yesterday

#

which was nice

#

but ngl makes me feel rlly attention seeking

#

im such an attention seeking rat

#

it was so weird

#

bc i was sitting in class yesterday

#

and i waa trying rlly hard not to start crying

#

it makes no sense whatsoever

#

bc even when i wanna cry i never can

#

so ig i must been feeling rlly trash lol

#

today was better ig

#

i broke my promise to restrict tho

#

im rlly disappointed and disgusted at myself for eating so much

#

i wish i wasnt so fat

#

i keep seeing other better looking ppl

#

and i feel so ugly

#

also

#

officially

#

i dont have to wear a jumper anymore

#

my scars are just that faded

keen marten Dec 8, 2023, 12:34 PM

#

godddd why am i so freaking cringe

#

and annoying

#

ahshfgjagjhd

#

so stupid and cringe

#

cant keep my dumb mouth shut

#

go die in a hole

#

im so cofused now

#

why is my mh like this

#

it swings so much

#

i wish i never reached out in the first place

#

and felt the need to feel worse

#

and valid

#

before i could actually be in a place to get help

#

i wanna die

#

okay not literally rn

#

metaphoribally

#

or literally

#

idk atp

#

im tired

#

i feel so stupid

#

for wasting the last 2 days

#

moping around

#

i cant tell if im tired

#

or my brain is being annoying

#

like

#

i think i felt pretty trash

#

cant be sure tho lol

keen marten Dec 8, 2023, 2:31 PM

#

tired but kinda cant sleep

#

i feel off again

#

lowley feel like crying again

#

i havent cut un like a week

#

and i need to again

#

i cant beleive ive been at the stage

#

for the past couple days

#

where im willing to skip class

#

i obviously dont have the guts lol

#

but my brain has been feeling so off

#

that ive been tempted to ask to go pee

#

and just sit in the bathroom and take a breather

#

idk what wrong with me

keen marten Dec 10, 2023, 12:51 PM

#

i deserve to die

#

im a stupid twat

#

i cant even sit down and study

#

its been 4 hours

#

im flowing down teh stupid rabbit hole again

#

im an idiot

#

i missed so many classes this term

#

made no effort to catch up

#

and am still making no effort to catch up

#

someone else deserves my life more than me

#

i wanna go cut again

#

but honestly

#

i dont wanna deal with having painful cuts tmr morning

#

ugh maybe after the test lol

#

im def gonna have to after that

#

im so stupid

#

im watching other ppl effortlessly breeze thru maths

#

me on th eother hand

#

ahahahhahha

#

im a freaking failure

#

i suck

#

I SUCK

#

I FREAKING SUCK

#

i deserve to burn in hell

#

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#

god why do i suck so much

#

i hate myself

#

im trash

#

im stupid trash

#

im garbage

#

im stupid

#

im dumb

#

im gonna walk in there and fail

#

but atp do i even care

#

prolly not lol

#

im a huge disappointment to everyone around me

#

piece of trasg

keen marten Dec 10, 2023, 1:13 PM

#

its too late to go crying abt this now

#

im gonna fail

#

and its no one but my own's fault

#

im gonna fail

#

and i deserve to fail

#

im a rat

#

and i should go ide

#

U FREAKING SUCK

#

I HATE YOU

keen marten Dec 10, 2023, 9:13 PM

#

im not in the mood to go to school rn

#

im gonna fail this test

#

and its making me really sick

#

i shouldnt care abt it

#

bc its too late in the year for it to go anywherre

#

but i cant like

#

fail it

#

thats gonna be rlly embarrassing

#

im supposed to be the smart kid

#

UGHHHH

#

god someome else deserves my life way more than me

#

someone who will actually work hard

#

and do well in school

#

i rlly wanna skip today

#

like desperately

#

maybe i should just truant lol

#

i mean its the last week of school

#

what are they gonna do?

#

suspend me?

#

ahahahha

#

i dare them to try

#

they full on suck at dealing with mh issues

#

so not like they will even care or understand

#

i wish there was no test today

#

that i can just enjoy this week

#

im so scared for next year

#

idk what its gonna be like

#

so many changes

#

and like ahh

#

idk if im cut out for the school system

#

i would never

#

i mean i literally cant

#

drop out

#

i suck at school

#

maybe i should go use my sad existence to work at maccas

#

and makr some money

#

at least im not so useless that way

#

so freaking useless

#

also ahhhh my arms

#

theyre so clean now

#

and on the on hand

#

i can wear shor sleeves again

#

but like

#

scars

#

whyyy

#

im tired

#

and yk whats even more pathetic?

#

i havent finsihed doing christmas gifts

#

a couple years this was rlly fun

#

now its just overwhelming

#

its literally buying presente

#

for my friends and family

#

why is that so hard thie year

#

i well and truly suck

#

ughhh and presentation day

#

istg im gonna go and get nothing

#

like its not even funny

#

im gonna rock up and have high expectations and walk out empty handed

#

despite all the challenges i tried so dang hard

#

if trying my hardest is not enough

#

what can i do with myself

#

im screwed

#

i have no purpose

#

nothing

#

everyone else are so varried

#

and cool and different

#

i juts suck thru and thru

#

ugh

#

i shpuld get up now

#

or i prolly never will

#

screw me

keen marten Dec 11, 2023, 4:37 AM

#

lololoolol

#

felt slightly good for a while

#

suddenly feel trash again

#

idk what just sudden triggered it

#

so annoying

#

surely that one lil thing wasnt the reason

keen marten Dec 11, 2023, 9:07 PM

#

i feel so nervous

#

what if i dont get any academic awards

#

like

#

wven tho half the time my brain was killing me

#

i tried my hardest

#

well maths was hard lol

#

but like what do u do when uve tried ur hardest and still fall short?

#

idk if i can hande failing

#

and getting nothing

#

ahhhhh

#

im gonna vomit

#

please at least 1

#

please

#

i cant like pray and make it change now lol

#

this is gonna be a reflection of all my efforts

#

and if i suck

#

i suck

#

and thats too bad

#

arghhhhh

#

i hate this

#

what if i get nothing academic??

#

i might as well not go at all

#

my identity and reputation is gonna get trashed

#

ughhhh

#

i hate myself for not working harder

#

my grades look good

#

but not good enuf

#

i was talking to ny friend yesterday abt who would get em in various subjects

#

and i dont think she realised

#

she never said me once

#

i feel like puking

#

it sounds pathetic

#

but sometimes i need that reassurance from others to stop my brain wandering too much

#

i dont need their validation

#

but at the same timr

#

i rlly need other ppls validation

#

like what am i without my identity as a ‘smart’ person

#Abyss' Journal