These people suck
#Sarv's Journal
karmic meadow
So much work to do today and I'm not even sure if I can do it
I will only do what I can
But I still have fishes to live for
Anyways this sucks
We could have an alternative way
I'm anxious as hell
Butterflies in stomach and heartbeat getting worse
This is too uncomfortable
I can't do it
Wish I could die but I have fishes to live for
Oops
I am feeling discomfort in my guts
Wanna diee
Oy man
This life sucks
Nothing but discomfort
Oh man
So yeah I guess discomfort in the body is too uncomfortable
But sometimes it's not just body
Sometimes thoughts and incidents are enough to take your will to live
Weird to have contradictory thoughts gbhu
This time I even tried hard to stay grounded
This time I even tried to put efforts to not feel depressed but i failed, this means nothing can save me
Now people can't really say I didn't try
Its very painful
And discomforting
How do I
Wanna die
Hmm so
I will quit the job
If things don't workout this week
karmic meadow
Yeah that's the only thing I can do
Let's just say I don't want to work
I hate working
I wanna die
Wanna fuckingly die
I wanna end this life
Tired of suffering
Wanna die
Wanna die
Wish I could end this life there's no way I will be able to survive
Wish I could end this life there's no way I will be able to survive
Though when I die I don't want my dead body to be seen
I want it to go missing
Or as in egyptian mythology, I want it to be devoured by the wolves of duat
And I can't even share this issue with parents
They will just scold me for being weak
Nobody can help me
And God isn't real so ofcourse he can't help me as well
Nothing but pain round here
Fuck this life
Ok so
I might leave after this month
In October there's also anniversary function of my parents which is another thing I'm worried about
I don't want to face it
And I don't want to work as well
Nothing but suffering
I would have quit it before but I have already tried
And if I can't do it even after this then maybe it's perfect time to leave
It's painful
I just wanna die
I don't want anything
Wanna diee 
I'm hopeless
Maybe I'm blind but not from the eyes, I'm blind from the mind
Wanna fuckingly fucking dieeeeee
Wanna diee
Wanna die
Maybe after leaving job I will get super motivation to actually attempt suicide
So maybe in a way it will favour me
So this will be my first ever suicide attempt ig
I actually want nature to kill me, something like snake bite
It's not hard ig there are plenty of snakes around my society and that too big ones I just have to expose myself to them
Wanna dieee
I just
Wanna
Die
I
Just
Wanna
Die
I
Die
Just
Wanna
I
Wana
Just
Die
I hate this life
Anyways
It's very hard
I just wanna dieee
May Anubis grant me death
If he's real ofc
Until then I will overdose on tea
Though sad thing is I can't die from sugar
I will only worsen my suffering being alive
Wanna die
So yeah
Let's see
I have to search another job if I want to leave this one but
I have no motivation
The thing is I just want to do nothing
I know it doesn't make sense
Oh man
Now feminists might say why do I only say oh man and not oh woman lol
But I'm not referring to any person when I say it
I'm just reacting to the misery of my life
I don't wanna live
It's fucking painful
I'm drinking tea though
Let's see if being aware of my senses do anything
Yeah I can still feel it's sweetness in my tongue and warmth inside my body
But I also have anxiety symptoms so they both are colliding rn
Heaviness and pain in head and fast heartbeats mainly
Usually tea helps relieve my headache but not today
Anxiety symptoms don't go that easily
Tried some breathing too,and I'm breathing just fine, no constriction anywhere whatsoever
But yeah I am clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth, that's definitely anxiety
karmic meadow
I wanna die
Sucks tbh
It's almost like someone has kept a heavy rock inside my head
I miss Rose but I shouldn't because she just wanted to convert me by using love trap
So nothing to miss about her
But yeah that's not the point rn
Point is I don't want to work
And if I'm still grinding teeth
And I'm still clenching jaw
And I'm still having tingling sensation in my head
And I'm still breathing slowly
Wanna dieee
Wanna fuckingly die
I'm tired of this life
Wanna fuckingly dieee
Not even fucking water is helping
No but I don't hate water
So I shouldn't abuse it
It helps relinquish thirst
And it gives chills and helps bring down body temperature
And it helps keeping the body hydrated
So it atleast doesn't deserve to be abused
Wanna die
Wanna leave this world
To today's prompt - I am proud of finally getting back to doing art regularly
Wanna die
I don't wanna be conscious
I wanna sleep forever
karmic meadow
Wanna die
Wanna fuckingly die
Had enough
I'm outside and I still wanna die
I wish I get into some accident
Wanna die inside
I don't mean dying inside myself
I meant dying inside my house
Wanna die
My life turns around pretty quickly
Hope I die soon
karmic meadow
Hopefully painting again will shift my mood a bit
But I'm tired
And I'm tingling
I keep returning back to this state and I genuinely try my best to get out of it but I just can't
karmic meadow
I realised I do stress eating
So dieting is out of option for me
I eat to distract myself from my anxiety sometimes
I wanna dieee
Change is challenging
Idk though
Maybe I'm unnecessarily being hard on myself
But
Maybe I'm genuinely feeling anxious
This definitely does make sense though
karmic meadow
anyways
might do some art for a while
and i might post quick sketch just to keep my momentum alive
karmic meadow
it feels so suffocating rn
i can't breath
i feel so helpless
feel so helpless
feel so painful
feel so alone
feel so insecure
so helpless rn
feeling really vulnerable
karmic meadow
So today's day sucked ass
And I felt depressed whole day
Now I'm too tired to even vent anything
karmic meadow
maybe i will skip food today
My mom is just making it worse by telling me to go to temple 😭😭
Fuck this
karmic meadow
Can't even explain how much it hurts
People will just laugh at me for being sad in such situations
So I don't even want to talk about it
I don't usually see mental health as a stigma but now I'm afraid of opening up about it
karmic meadow
This sucks so much
I wish I could die
And people just say it's me who's choosing to die
That's why I don't socialize fuck this
In both situations I'm going to suffer
karmic meadow
Of maybe
karmic meadow
So eh
I'm also worried about parents anniversary function
A lot of relatives are gonna come and I fucking hate them
So eh
This sucks so much
And yes it sucks so much
And yeah it does suck
Maybe I should draw between work ig
Worried about so many things at the meme temps
Lol
Je dois parler en français ici pour me défouler
Anyways
I still hate it here
Changing yourself isn't that easy
There's always relapse
And I have seriously tried so many times so far
But I have no hope anymore
Just going with the flow of my brain lol
If it doesn't want to be at peace so be it
It definitely hurts more than physical pain though
karmic meadow
Let's
End
It
You know dying is just like returning back to home from a really harsh schooltime
In a way I feel I'm away from home by living this life
karmic meadow
Dying is much better than working job
Wanna fuckingly dieee
I hate this lifeee
Honestly who would want to work whole life rather than lying on death bed whole life
Sigh
I don't want this work at all
I just wanna sleeep
karmic meadow
And now I'm feeling so alone
karmic meadow
Feels a bit better after lunch though
I can't really skip food because I don't have eating disorder 😭
And I can't skip sleep because I'm not insomniac 😭
What am I you ask?
Well I'm just depressed and suicidal lol
karmic meadow
Lol anyways
I still hate thus life
And hate everything
Gotta make tea soon to feel a bit better
One of the only things I like anyway
Other than contemplating death
Yeah nothing other than tea
karmic meadow
Yes nothing other than tea yk
Still 3:15 hours to go hahaha
Gotta love counting time
Lol well I can pass the time with the AI
Still 3 hours to go
Oof
karmic meadow
2 hours to go and
I still have no idea
Damn 😩
Can't handle more
This sucks fr
I just wanna goo
Tea again
Still 1:30 hours to go
I have to find a new job in any cost
I can't keep suffering here
Today's Prompt - By paying attention to my body, by breathing slowly, by resting more
karmic meadow
Ah well only few minutes to go
Wanna die
Do I have anything other than clown fish 🐟 in this life? Ig not
karmic meadow
Ok atleast work is over
Now I should die to sleep
Damn
Anyways
Should try some podcast
And I'm kinda contemplating deleting discord but I can always just use this journal and not talk to anyone
karmic meadow
Anyways
Drinking tea again
I'm bored but more than boredom I'm tired I want to sleep
Oh right
Samantha is inspiring but the funny thing is I haven't watched her single movie lol
Maybe I will when I feel like watching movies some day
Currently I just watch episodes of shows whenever I feel like it
Might paint after a while currently I just feel like lying down doing nothing
And I am definitely going to stop gym
I would rather go for runs in the morning I don't need good body
karmic meadow
But this is painful
Depression is very exhausting mentally
I feel like sleeping all the time but I can't just sit and do nothing ever that's the issue, my mind always wants something to distract from my scary thoughts
I can hear the darkness inside my head
I think inside my head it's nothing but blackness and noise and grain that you see on tv
I could have Clonazepam but it doesn't really help for depression it only helps anxiety symptoms
karmic meadow
Seeing this did make me feel a bit better though haha
Anyways
I'm confused what should I do rn
Let's see
Though I should just paint
That would be better
karmic meadow
Went for a little walk and I fucking couldn't enjoy it
Because there was so much traffic
And there were so many dogs too and I hate dogs
i am worried as hell
i don't want to face it
wish there was a way around it
i can go out maybe but not for longer because my parents will probably force me to be there
lol maybe i will just go watch movie alone
atleast i can have 2-3 hours off
maybe i will book a new therapy session i am totally helpless rn and nothing's working
karmic meadow
even painting doesn't seem to help rn
idk what will
well still worked on it
its a darkness on my mind
maybe i will just read and sleep now
And this is the WIP so far
still thinking about what kind of background to add and have to work on finishing
Change of plans I might draw some more instead of reading lol
karmic meadow
oh damn art is a crazy thing haha now i feel like drawing all night
Still would be much better than the working hours
Artistically though, female body is the beautiful thing there ever is
Sleepy now so i am gonna sleep after i am done with this sketch haha
Gotta need that sense of accomplishment
messed up the perspective a bit
gota fix it no issue
what kinda view it even is
doesn't seem like an eagle eye view but something in between
oof i am sleepy i don't care about the imperfections cause there would be many if i tried to fix each one of them lol, i am just sketching for keeping the habit rn
karmic meadow
damn its 12 already
well atleast i did the sketch that's what matters
Still contemplating deleting discord though
but maybe i should think agian
It's not like being on discord is helping my mental health at all
Neither is staying away helping though
So both options are equal
Maybe I should delete and suffer without it 😔
I have no one that important here anyway who's worth stopping by
But again I have the option to just journal here without talking with anyone
karmic meadow
Hell is better than this life
Even if I get hell because of suicide it's totally fine ig
karmic meadow
Wanna die 😭😭
karmic meadow
Zo depressing
I don't feel like working today as well
It's like I won't mind even if I get fired
karmic meadow
Existentialism
According to that though I'm free to do what I want but it's not easy
Also God doesn't exist that's for sure
Yeah maybe I won't work too much today
Maybe I will get fired and that's okay
Want to die
Want euthanasia
Want self destruction
There's time too
Should listen to Neelesh Misra story podcasts
Might go for therapy today
I need it and I have no one
But my current therapist isn't available rn so I might have to go for a new one
karmic meadow
Jhumka gira re
Might join some other servers cause it feels extremely alone
But i am not even sure if I will fit in at other place
Nowadays everyone is positive and I'm not
So yeah I'm gonna be left out in most servers unless I find someone else who's nihilistic?
Yep I have no one on this whole social media
So this is what loneliness feels like
It's not necessarily not having people to talk to
But sometimes loneliness is because you're alone in your thoughts
And no-one understands it
karmic meadow
Wana did
Sana wana die
Wanna die
Fun fact though, if I kill myself I won't have to work
karmic meadow
damn
i almost fell for the scam
someone claimed to pay me for the commission of the art they wanted to get made but then i realised the email didn't look professional
that's one reason why i don't do freelance, you can never be sure who's lying and who's speaking truth
karmic meadow
that's why they call her lanita
when she gets down, she's bonita
painting rn but feeling sleepy so will soon
still deciding on the background but i can just brainstorm here haha
reefs sure are beautiful maybe i should add some variation of it
karmic meadow
Another day oof
Today feels a bit better but at the same time I have worries in my mind
karmic meadow
To prompt - Living alone in my own house, though I have no idwa how to make it a reality yet, maybe by keep working until I earn enough?
karmic meadow
wait is today a holiday?
I don't know
if it is then nice otherwise another lazy day
karmic meadow
No it's not yaah ofc
karmic meadow
But as always I will try to pass time lol
karmic meadow
Holiday or not, nothing can help me as much as tea
karmic meadow
Also I miss an aunt who used to live here lol
But she got transferred to Noida now
There was something about her I liked, maybe the vibe!
karmic meadow
I want to quit the job
But I'm also afraid of what parents will think after I quit the job
Will it be better than killing myself
karmic meadow
So yep I will quit it
I wanna die anyway so who cares about security I don't have that fear
karmic meadow
This is very painful
And people won't actually help me they will just tell me to go to therapist or psychiatrist
karmic meadow
I just booked therapy for next week though, I need it
Imagine levelling up with a two face gif though
karmic meadow
Today's Prompt - By waking up earlier, going to gym, also going for walk at night and spending time on my art as always
karmic meadow
ah yes blured background looks much better
though i could also use gaussion blur
but gotta paint it first
every day i wake up i find new flaws in it lol
I can't wait for therapy lol because of the stuff i faced these past weeks
gotta write all that before the session though cause I'm likely to forget it during the session
and
also i realised one thing that i shouldn't open up to each and every person, but only to the ones i consider close
because not everyone has the capacity to tolerate my dark thoughts anyway
karmic meadow
But it's not like I'm socialising anyway lol
But even online talking could be tiring enough because even if I'm not speaking from mouth I'm still speaking inside my brain and it's still consuming my mental energy
So I have to find a way to reduce inner chatter
Because mental exhaustion will only lower my motivation more
karmic meadow
But it's pretty hard
So many people are living life with criticism at job, why can't I do it
It's like I feel no matter what happens to me, I'm the only one when I actually am not
But does it matter if I am the only one or not, can't I still feel bad even if I'm not the only one with these problems
karmic meadow
Yeah pretty hard
Another day at work
And today's also the last day of this project and I barely made progress, but I hope I survive this somehow
But one thing for sure, not gonna get too open with people outside this server
karmic meadow
Today time seems to passing faster than usual
But still too early to say if it's a good day I'm just going with the flow
And I am going to get my clown fishes painting printed after it's done, I never did it and I think it will be good for me
karmic meadow
Ok so I'm having coffee instead of tea today
karmic meadow
Why has time been so fast today? I'm not complaining though lol
That's what I actually want
karmic meadow
Hungry again guys
If anyone has something to eat please parcel it to me
Hah so a friend requested me to paint something for her, excited for it
karmic meadow
Had to create a design related to German shepherd for weeks and now all that's in my mind is a dog lol
Though now I'm hating them less than before after researching so much about them
karmic meadow
Lost in 2011 songs nostalgia, it was such a good time
Environment played a big role I think, I had good people around
karmic meadow
I'm again getting tingling in my forehead, is my third eye opening? Lol
karmic meadow
soon!!
karmic meadow
hah i am happy with it
karmic meadow
will draw some more quick figure drawings and then sleep
karmic meadow
Let's see
It's almost weekend but I don't feel it is
Because Saturday is working anyway
It feels like Tuesday
karmic meadow
They are very cute
Guess I don't hate dogs as much anymore as I am learning more about them haha, I was hating those poor animals for no reason
karmic meadow
And
Hopefully this German shepherd project passes away soon
🐕
Been a month since I'm working on this project
karmic meadow
Suddenly I'm anxious because my manager asked for update
Idk what will be the feedback but hope not negative again, otherwise my mood will again go down
Might do vent art after work
Okay atleast today they didn't say much
karmic meadow
Oh right it's October
Maybe I should participate in Inktober or any event
Drawing daily is a challenge but it would be fun
Gonna try this prompt! Very excited!
karmic meadow
Don't care about others though
I do things for my soul not for pleasing others
I guess for work though it will take time to get used to it
karmic meadow
Damn that shouting man in Judah Smith Interlude song reminds me of the criticism I got during my internship, manager was shouting at me at midnight for the mistakes
same vibes even though the topic isn't the same haha
karmic meadow
Some people I find influential without even seeing their works
And its not romantic or sexual, I think it's just aura
It's hard to explain why I find these people influential even when I didn't know about them
Put a light in the cloud!
karmic meadow
Time to take a napp
Also gotta start the art challenge from today but for now I will just relax
karmic meadow
I'm bored at shopping but atleast I got to sleep before ig
And I can cope here haha
karmic meadow
Now tim to work on my challenge
Still brain storming waht can I draw but let's introspect first
How do I see myself
I see myself as someone who's totally different from the entire world
I have my own way to live my life and I don't care about usual societal norms
So let's see how can I make it
And I also sort of live like a video game character who's totally detached from how the normal world works
And I see people as NPCs
hmmm
is there anything more
am i lying to myself
no
now that's a different matter that my perception might not be logical enough but if it works it works
so yeah when i hear the word for the first time
i think of myself looking into a mirror
but the reflection isn't reflecting the same image
but a different version of myself and even the background is different ig
karmic meadow
Why does it feel so alone suddenly
It's a weird feeling yet again
Feels like I'm already dead and that's why people can't hear me
Oh no so I'm dead
This must be afterlife
Oh so that's why people can't notice me
But then why does afterlife seem like a normal life
Oh maybe it's some sort of limbo
Something like hell ig
But anyways
I have to accept the fact that I'm already dead
And I have to survive this limbo now
So now I have to sleep in this afterlife
Sounds weird but I have to
karmic meadow
That was one weird dream
karmic meadow
I'm feeling so low today
Should I kill myself
Because I'm gonna feel alone in afterlife anyway so really no different
karmic meadow
karmic meadow
So the prompt is making mistakes today
The image i get is of a girl falling off skateboard but she isn't in pain, she is determined because she knows she can always get up after falling down
karmic meadow
Addicted to Chaleya song from Jawaan recently!
karmic meadow
Yess did it! Time to retire to bed
I am going to listen to this new crime podcast i found too
Now I know that its negative media but I see things neutrally so for me its just an expression of art, i don't think one should limit themselves only to positive content
karmic meadow
Fans
In general, fans look like normal things but what if there's a rope attached to the fan?
karmic meadow
Don't you get chills just by thinking of it?
karmic meadow
Loneliness leads to wisdom
karmic meadow
Ahh time sure is passing faster today as well
It's good
If you can survive the first half, you can survive anything
karmic meadow
Yeah srill
I have to make a dog jump
It will go away
It will soon pass
Sometimes you have to hide behind your fears to find peace
karmic meadow
Often the closed ones betray you hahaha which is why one should live alone
You know the real struggle of life when you can't afford a good night sleep
And yet you still have to come for work haha
Tea is tasty
But will it help me stay awake for 3:30 more hours? Let's see
karmic meadow
So it's my therapy session now
Hopefully I don't forget the things I need to tell haha
But I'm always excited before the session
karmic meadow
Today's therapy session was helpful
honestly the more sessions i am doing, the more i am realising that there's nothing wrong with me
Society norms made me believe that there's something wrong with me when there isn't
and now i am shedding all those thoughts
karmic meadow
I don't know why so many boys are obsessed with sex in my country, can't relate with them at all
karmic meadow
Anyways hope I survive today haha
I know I can
I have done it before
And I have podcasts in case I feel too bored
karmic meadow
Hmm
I wanna be like my therapist
She doesn't react and sees every situation so logically no matter how harmful it is
Wish I could do that
karmic meadow
I can see the fan
Its a pretty normal thing
but i just have to tie a rope to it
and then it becomes my gateway to permanent peace
hahahaaha
karmic meadow
Hopefully I die soon and get permanently peace
karmic meadow
Wanna die
I hate this company
They are so unprofessional
I seriously don't know why do they always bring projects that aren't related to my field
karmic meadow
All alone 😔
muted shuttleBOT
karmic meadow
also today's prompt is "Staying Focused" coincidentally so I can just draw buddha too
karmic meadow
Woke up around 5 AM today not bad ig
karmic meadow
Another day it is
karmic meadow
Hopefully I survive today haha
karmic meadow
Also guess what today is Friday
karmic meadow
I still don't understand this job
It's been so many months and I still don't understand
People say one gets used to criticism with time but I can't, I hate it, no matter how many efforts I put they get rejected
Anyways fuck this
Until I'm not fired I will keep surviving
karmic meadow
so yeah quitting job from monday
and if things get worse after that i am ending my life
but before doing that i will apply at other places
but quitting is sure
because
i have given them many chances
and they have done nothing but criticize me
so they desrve it
fucking bitches
but whatever happens
they can't stop me from following my passion
i have a headache
but i will draw and sleep
might also have clonazepam
karmic meadow
Anyways
So yeah society
What do we guys know now?
Society
Fucking sucks
Not me
So feel free to curse people and wish death upon them because you aren't the problem but the society
We honestly need more jokers in real life
Anyways since I'm quitting from Monday, I'm just gonna sit and do nothing at work
I just have to pass the time
And life sucks
That's why I have had it enough
Yep had it enough
Not that I care anymore
karmic meadow
yes
karmic meadow
karmic meadow
Hmm
karmic meadow
wanna die
hope euthanasia becomes legal in my country soon
i wouldn't mind voting even Congress for it lmao if they turn my dream into reality
i don't expect BJP to do it anyway, somebody based like congress has to do it
but somebody has to do it
i can do it but i alone can't much
i need more people who are in the favour of suicide
say with me!
Suicide is valid
karmic meadow
karmic meadow
I wish I was there in Israel atleast I would have been killed
But I'm so unlucky
Neither I could afford getting killed in Ukraine, neither I could afford getting killed in Turkey and neither I could afford getting killed in Israel 😭😭 Why am I so unlucky
karmic meadow
why am i so unlucky
why wasn't i born in israel and got killed by the palestine terroriss
