There’s so much that I don’t think could ever happen for us to get our happy ending
#Eda’s Journal
elfin rover
I want to believe that true love can triumph all
But I also don’t want to believe in something that might not be true
I don’t want to mess that up
There’s so much I don’t know
elfin rover
Today I’ve felt weird
I believe I’ve accepted the way things are now and I’ve been coming to terms with it
But I still miss you
I miss us
elfin rover
Still feeling weird today
But I finished my Invisalign today
Have a wire again
It’s so weird
I’m sure I’ll get used to it quickly enough…
Idk lol
elfin rover
Well, I suppose knowing would also take away from some of the things I could learn from this time
If I knew how it would end up, I suppose maybe I wouldn’t learn as many things
But I still kinda wish I knew
Maybe if I knew, I’d be able to have peace in the choices I’m making
And I’d be able to focus on other things, too
No, I still wish I knew
elfin rover
Hey Kuma
Idk why I don’t just text you
Well I suppose it just doesn’t feel quite right saying these things to you, we decided together that atm friends is the way to go
I don’t want to ruin that possibility
But I do wonder what will happen
elfin rover
To my future partner,
Hey! Today I decided to try something new. I'm going to write letters to you and I hope I get to show this to you someday~~ I know that if I’m showing this to you, then you’re someone truly special, so I can fully say with confidence that I love you very much. I don’t know anything about who you are at the present (sure, I have someone I hope will be the one to read this in the future, but I have no actual idea who will be the person to do so) but I know that whoever you are, you’re a great person. I wanted to write these letters as a way to talk to you, even if I don’t quite know who exactly you are yet.
Today is December 22, 2023 and I’m trying something new. I’m going to leave for university next week and I’m so nervous. This break has been… quite different than I imagined it. I was hoping it would have been a little bit better, and I have a couple of regrets, to be honest. I’ve been dealing with something I wasn’t anticipating and it’s been rather difficult. I miss someone important to me (perhaps you know who I’m talking about, have met them, or perhaps you even are them!) and it’s been rather difficult, but I’ve met some nice people. I always wonder about my future, and its been pretty challenging, but I'm also learning some things too. Right now, my plan is to go into nursing once I finish all of the prerequisites. I’m excited to be embarking on this new journey. It will be weird living in the US again, but I'm excited to tell you all about this journey and bring you along with me!
I hope to be able to write more letters like this, but I’ll keep it at this for now. I hope you like hearing about my life and my deepest thoughts when these letters eventually find their way to you.
elfin rover
I miss you, Kuma
This isn’t part of my letter ofc
Just my thoughts
I might see you tomorrow
I… don’t know how to feel about that
And I can’t make up my mind on anything about us
I know I don’t have to
After all, we decided that for now we’ll stay friends, it’s for the best atm
But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to think about the future
I suppose in a way, I want to be prepared
I want to not worry about it, but I can’t help it
It’s a bit stressful, ngl
I want to believe that what’s meant to be will happen, and I guess that’s true, but I also suppose that what I want right now is you
And I’m a little bit afraid that you and I aren’t meant to be
It’s rather silly
But it’s the truth
elfin rover
We’re meeting up today for lunch with a few friends
I’m wondering whether or not this is a good idea
I don’t know how it will be to see you again
Especially somewhere we used to go on dates; and our first date, too
But I also feel like I’ll regret it if I just chicken out and don’t go
This is pretty confusing
elfin rover
Well I did go
At least I don’t regret it
Well, there’s one part I kinda regret, but I think going all the way to the supermarket and mom picking me up was the better option
Oh how I miss you
I think I still love you
Oh Kuma
You’ve changed so little
Yet I’ve got no idea about you now
What do I even do lmao
elfin rover
I’m curious, are you not answering because you also found it a bit weird being around me and are having confusing feelings too or?
elfin rover
To my future partner,
Today it’s December 23rd, 2023, the day before Christmas Eve (I guess you could say Eve of Christmas Eve? Christmas Eve Eve?) and this year it doesn’t quite feel like Christmas… I don’t know whether it’s the rush of moving or all the stuff that’s gone into preparations of moving, or if it’s simply what Christmas is like as you get older, no longer magical and special… or perhaps it’s because I’m missing someone who’s special to me and I’m not ready to let go of him yet. I guess we’ll wait and see. And with some luck, you’ll be able to hear my thoughts about it.
I really hope I can keep these going, I’d quite like to gift these to you one day. Perhaps I won’t have a perfect every single day documentation of my life or feelings, but I’d like to keep this somewhat consistent. Perhaps I’ll give it to you as an anniversary gift in the future. Or maybe as a wedding gift? (I don’t know… but I’d like to give it to you at some point!)
Anywho, I’m still struggling with that thing I mentioned yesterday. I’m not quite sure what to feel about that. I saw him and some friends today, and it was good fun, but I wasn’t quite sure what to do or say. I wanted things to be different, even though I know this is likely the best choice at the moment. I suppose if there is ever a right moment, then I’ll feel it for certain. I’ll be able to tell, right? I don’t know… there are so many things I don’t know and I guess it scares me a bit. I’m sure you know that about me already though.
I wonder who you are… have I met you already? Will I meet you soon? How did we meet? How did all this happen? It’s exciting to think about, but still scary.
I wonder if his lack of responses to my texts are because he’s also feeling a bit sad now? We both agreed it was for the best for now so that’s that, right? I’d best not dwell on it too much, I suppose! My heart is hurting, but I hope this isn’t permanent.
I love you, don’t forget, okay?
The character limit on discord is dismal
elfin rover
I miss you so much this morning
You still haven’t answered
I thought I was over being anxious about not receiving responses from you ahah
I think this once, I’m going to try to be optimistic about it
Maybe you’re not responding because you’re feeling the same way I am, a little sad, confused but also glad that we saw each other
elfin rover
We did Christmas crackers, as usual
Last year I did them with your family on Boxing Day
I did it the proper British way at yours with your family and grandparents
I miss you
I hope that one day we can do that again
Every Christmas after that
And maybe I’ll be able to come up with new traditions with you
elfin rover
I miss you, Kuma
I keep wanting to believe that in the future, maybe
But life isn’t a story
Nothing goes the way you want and nice things don’t last
elfin rover
One thing I realised today
Is that I guess I’ve never really felt truly loved until you came along
Even when I messed up, even when I did things that annoyed you, I still felt loved by you
I’m having a really hard day
I wish I could go to you and you could hold me in your arms and tell me everything is going to be okay
Just like you used to
elfin rover
Is that I guess I’ve never really felt truly loved until you came along
I guess another reason I’m so hesitant to believe that maybe you still want something is bc I don’t want to waste my time on some guy who doesn’t even love me anymore
Since I’ve felt real, true lovely love, I don’t want to waste my time on that
But I also really want us to be meant to be
It I also know that you’re not doing super well yourself
So I wouldn’t want to be a burden
elfin rover
I fucking can’t anymore
I’ve been going on and on and on
For so long
But it never gets better, it never gets easier
And when it does, it’s only temporary
At least a little ago I had someone who gave a shit
But I just don’t know how to keep on going
What a depressing Christmas
I don’t want to hope that he still loves me because it will all feel like a lie if I find out he doesn’t
I miss you so much, Kuma
You’re like, a 20 minute walk away
I wish I could just go over there and be with you for a bit
I sent you a message
Idk whether you will answer or even read it
But ig it felt a little good saying that stuff to you
Maybe I should write one of those letters
I’m going to be a tad bit more personal in this one so I’m going to write it elsewhere, but I think it’s a good idea
elfin rover
I didn’t think things could get any worse
But life is full of surprises
Every time I think I reached rock bottom, I somehow manage to go even lower
elfin rover
I thought it would get easier, and sometimes it is
But I find myself worrying about the silliest of things
I worry about things that I shouldn’t even worry about, so why am I even thinking about it
I suppose I want to be ready for anything but it’s useless
I’ve got no way to read the future and idk what’s going to happen at all
For heaven’s sake, I wish I would stop thinking abt it for a little bit
elfin rover
It’s difficult being here, you just sitting in front of me
I miss you so much
I miss you sitting next to me and showing me the memes
elfin rover
Your mom was as nice as ever
I really miss you
I really freaking miss you
I wanted to hug you and be together again
elfin rover
Apparently baby sister doesn’t remember who you are
She used to love you too
You were the e first person outside the family she would give hugs to
She even often chose you before me when saying goodnight
elfin rover
Short steps, deep breath
Everything is alright
Chin up, I can't
Step into the spotlight
She said, "I'm sad, "
Somehow without any words
I just stood there
Searching for an answer
That’s the first part of the song “Everything is Alright” from “To the Moon”
I’ve written about that song and game before
Separately and together
I’m sad
But I’ve not said that to you
Perhaps you noticed today when I teared up in front of your house (you asked me what was wrong)
When this world is no more
The moon is all we'll see
I'll ask you to fly away with me
Until the stars all fall down
They empty from the sky
But I don't mind
If you're with me, then everything's alright
I hope one day you’ll fly away with me, Kuma
elfin rover
I’m not sure why, but I’m scared all of a sudden
I’m scared and sad
I don’t want to leave
I suppose you could say I have cold feet?
I wish I could go to you… but I already tried to look at you for comfort once this week, I really shouldn’t do it again
I’m really gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss our friends
Even though I was severely depressed in school (and it felt different than I feel now) I miss those times
I can’t believe it has changed so much
Please, please, please, I hope we’re meant to be
Please, please, please I hope you find your way to me
(I went with that bc it rhymes hehe😅)
elfin rover
I didn’t think I’d feel like this leaving
Up until now I couldn’t wait for this moment
I’m not ready for this… I’m not ready to fully step into adult life
Especially not without him
I suppose as he’s said many times, I still have him, but it truly isn’t the same
Perhaps one day I’ll be okay with that
But not right now
And I suppose that that’s okay
I hate not knowing
I suppose I’ve been a bit like Raiden Ei (iykyk) and I’ve wanted to hold onto a specific moment in life exactly the was it was for eternity. I guess that shows that I’m not ready to make such a commitment
elfin rover
Omg busy busy days
But that’s good, not as much time to think abt him
I’m mad jet-lagged ngl
It’s 5am rn, but for me that’s 1pm
I’d woken up at around 3 ish (which issss uh around 11? I think?) but I was like, no I have to sleep a little longer
Both because I’m e x h a u s t e d but also because I should start getting used to the timezone
Hopefully today will be productive
I hope to maybe get a new phone today, I need to do that anyways but I hope it’s soon!!!
elfin rover
Today I’ve actually been feeling not bad!
We did pass by a wedding which made me a little sad… but oh well I suppose
I did get a new phone (although they didn’t have any pink ones so I had to get a black one)
Pretty busy day though
Had to do a bunch of administrative tasks (fix my name on my passport… open a bank account (holy crap how that makes me feel so much more grown up)
elfin rover
Busy busy again today
With cousins now, that’s been fun
They’ve changed quite a bit, but still Having fun together
I still miss you, but idk
I’m not quite sure what to think abt anything
elfin rover
I dreamt of you last night…
elfin rover
After feeling not too bad, now I miss you a lot out of nowhere
Idk why I dreamt of you
elfin rover
I miss you but I’ve no idea wether or not you even think about me
*whether? Idk how to spell that
You’ve already gone into the new year, I wonder if anything will change at all
You said you wanted to be friends again and get closer
But I’ve not really felt that way, and I don’t know whether or not that’s simply because you e been busy visiting family, if you didn’t mean it or if you’re also scared to do so
I hope that this year we can figure it out
elfin rover
I should have written one of the letters yesterday, New Year’s Eve, but I felt ill
Perhaps I’ll write one today if I feel alright right before bed
elfin rover
I miss you, Kuma
It’s been weird these past few days
I’ve not really thought of you much yet you’re always in the back of my mind even if only subconsciously
I wonder if you think about me as much as i think about yoy
anyways, its bedtime for me (should have gone to bed ages ago but oh well, I suppose)
so ill at least start writing that letter
we'll see if it gets too personal, if it doesn't, then perhaps ill post it here
elfin rover
I don’t know what to do
Everything was so good when I had you in my life
It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever find anyone who can make me as happy as you made me (I mean, I’ve not been looking but still)
I miss you sm Kuma
I wish I knew how you felt
I feel like it’s almost worse not knowing that knowing you hate me or love me still
I can’t accept anything concrete and it’s all kinda wishy washy
elfin rover
Miss you Kuma
elfin rover
I really miss you even more today Kuma
elfin rover
Last night I had a truly terrible, horrible dream
I was so glad to wake up from it and realise it was simply my mind playing tricks on me
I’m sad now, but that was 1000000 times worse
So I guess I should be happy with the way things are now
And glad that they’re not how they were in the dream
elfin rover
In my dream he died and it was far worse than how things are now, that hurt on another level
At least now I can still talk to him, (maybe even have a little teeny bit of hope) but even if just as a friend
But I can’t imagine not having that at all
I keep thinking and thinking over what you’ve said about, well, us and I don’t want to think about it anymore
I’ve found ways to make those words hopeful, terrible and everything in between
I think up until now ish I was especially upset because you’d started your new life already, so you absolutely could find someone else you’d like to go out with and forget about me
But ig now we’re in the same position (somewhat at least)
I want to have hope, but life isn’t fantasy
I need to live in real life
But I also want to have that hope, that sweet, magical@hope
elfin rover
I want to see you happy, but I guess I also don’t want to accept that maybe that won’t be with me
What on earth are all these thoughts lmao
elfin rover
Lmao only now do I learn my aunt used to teach courses about your addiction
Why only now
Well, at least I know now
If something between us happens again I know maybe I can turn to her
elfin rover
Well I’ve had an interesting couple of days
I should be asleep, I have an early class tmr so I’ll keep this brief
Started uni and adulting isn’t quite as scary as I thought it would be so far
But to keep it that way I need sleep so I’m going to head to bed hehe
elfin rover
Well it’s been a while since I’ve written anything here
Feels like it at least
But it’s been a good couple of weeks
I’ve made new friends and I’ve been talking to someone quite lovely~~
I should sleep because I have to get up early tmr (in a few hours hehe) but I just wanted to write about how I’ve been feeling^^
elfin rover
We went grocery shopping today and then we went back to his to make dinner
It was really nice, I’m enjoying his company and idk he just makes me happy
I think maybe I really do like him
elfin rover
Well, it has once again been a while since I’ve written here
But I’m doing pretty well^^
I’m having some low-key guilt but oh well, I’ll work through that
In other news, we became official~~
I’m pretty happy
It’s not how my real with Kuma was, but not every relationship is the same
As quickly as we may be going, I’m still trying to take it somewhat slow
He’s really sweet and open, too
I had some questions about some things I saw, but I didn’t even really have to ask and then he told me he wanted to tell me about it which makes me think he trusts me, which is a lovely feeling
I’m pretty happy right now
I have 8 am class tmr though (it’s 1 am here tee hee)
Oh well
But recently I’ve also been trying to be really conscientious with the phrases that I use recently and about the types of jokes I make
Not in a prudish sort of way, I just have certain topics that I see rather differently now
And yeah
I also want to be sensitive to those around me
It’s strange, despite the fact that I was absolutely overwhelmed today and had 13 assignments due, and was about to cry on the floor at one point, I still feel good
I’ve not felt this way in a while, it’s a nice change of pace 😊
elfin rover
Hello my little journal
It’s been a hot second
I’d like to write here more, even though I’m doing well
I shouldn’t only write here when I’m doing poorly
Today I want to tell you about him
Tsuru
He’s really sweet
A little awkward, and perhaps not always comfortable texting
But thoughtful and insightful
He cares
I can feel it, he really does
He makes me happy
I don’t know if I love him, or what will become of us, and that’s okay
For now he cares and I care and that’s all that matters
I appreciate the effort he’s made to help me know more about him… we have similarly dark senses of humour and frankly I’m somewhat glad, It’d be difficult to have to change my entire humour for someone, but at the same time it makes me sad
I don’t want to mess up again too
I think he’s really strong… both physically and otherwise
I should go to sleep, we’re going on a road trip together in a few hours!
elfin rover
Well just came back from the road trip
elfin rover
It was good fun
I really enjoyed myself
I’m a bit conflicted about something going on, and I’m not quite sure what to do
Tsuru and Kuma have something in common I wish they did not
I really like Tsuru and I want to support him too, I’m just a little fazed is all
I didn’t think this would be the case
It almost feels like a dream, it’s fake and I’m going to wake up back in Utah and we’ll drive back for real and he’ll never tell me about it because it isn’t real
But I don’t think it is
I just need to continue supporting him, perhaps I can do a better job this time ‘round
elfin rover
I don’t only want to write about that and focus on that
I want to write about all the fun and nice things that happened too
I can’t let this one thing overshadow everything else
elfin rover
Well I’m still feeling a little odd tbh
elfin rover
Today we had a lovely evening in
Well, we went to Walmart first and picked up some groceries (and stuff for dinner)
And then we had a lovely little dinner that we both helped cook
He made the orange chicken and the rice and I made the dumplings
They were dumplings from a Korean brand I quite like
And luckily they weren’t expensive
And then after dinner we watched a movie (after debating what movie to watch for about half an hour)
Then we had a nice little heart-to-heart, talked about some stuff, I opened up a little etc…
elfin rover
Yesterday we made breaddddd
It was so fun
And the bread turned out well, I really liked it
elfin rover
I don’t usually post pictures but I thought this notification I got last night was pretty funny
How did you know I mask, hoyolab?
elfin rover
Alrighty need to write here more
Today was kinda weird
I thought about Kuma again and although ik right now isn’t a good time and it’s probably for the best, I suppose my heart still longs for him a teeny bit
Don’t get me wrong; I really like Tsuru, he’s so sweet and I really appreciate him
I think I’m just a bit worried that he and I will never have what Kuma and I had… and that may be the case but I also think that I’ve not known him well enough to know much at all
Kuma and I already liked each other quite a bit when we started dating, and we knew each other pretty well by then as well
Tsuru and I didn’t quite tbh
And that’s okay
I think I just need to compare the two relationships a lot less
No two relationships will be the same and that’s okay, good even
But if I feel like this one isn’t worth it or I’m just not feeling it, it’s okay to express that and do whatever is best
Well there’s my two cents for today
I should sleep, it’s 12:32 and I have class at 8 tmr (😭😭)
elfin rover
Holy heck
I’m meeting his parents today
And we’re staying the weekend
I’m so nervous
elfin rover
So far so good
His parents are nice and seem to maybe like me
We went ceramics painting today
With two of his sisters
It was sweet
I painted the mug
I can’t wait to see what it will look like when it’s glazed
He says he’s going to keep his pie weights in the pie tin he painted
Good day today
Tomorrow we’re making macarons
elfin rover
We came home todayyy
Ht we made macarons after church
And then talked at lots of things on the car ride home
I got to learn a bit more about him and him about me
Overall, it was a great day!
elfin rover
Not so fun day today
Woke up and realised I didn’t have my AirPods, looked everywhere only to find that the last time their location was find was somewhere in the city that my bf’s grandparents live in (aka a 30 minute drive away from here and I can’t drive)
To make matters worse, I have an exam to do today as well as a test and a project and a psychology reading
I can’t concentrate and am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now
Perhaps I ought to take a walk, go outside a bit and then come back
elfin rover
The walk was useful
I got some work done after that
But the rest of my day was still crappy eheheh
But then he came over to cuddle a bit which was nice
So tired haha
elfin rover
Tomorrow I go in for my adhd assessment
I’m pretty nervous ngl
At times I’m like “maybe I don’t even want to know”
And the imposter syndrome kicks in
“What if it’s all in my head”
“What if I’m just not trying hard enough”
What if, what if, what if…
Such a simple phrase, yet so many big feelings attached to it
elfin rover
Today (well, I suppose that was yesterday, technically) we talked a bit more about those subjects which are hard to bring up
So we talked about it
I learned that my suspicion was correct
elfin rover
I can’t wait for the semester to be overrrr
I’m so tired
Also kinda scary, apparently there’s two criminals on the loose in my area
They were four hours away but who knows where they’ve gone
Anyways I gotta keep studying and stuff
Today I’m going to the anatomy open lab
The cadavers are kinda cool but it’s hard to see the different muscles
Is that the iliocostalis or the longissimus or the spinatus
elfin rover
Today I made a cake
Just for fun
And my milk is going to expire tmr
It was good fun to make the cake
My usual 8 am class got cancelled!!! I’m so happy I’ll be able to sleep in
Still pretty nervous about the exam on Friday
Allll of the muscles
I still haven’t gotten the face ones quite down yet (just a few I don’t know) and the lower leg muscles are quite tricky
The cadavers are also tricky to do because muscles aren’t as defined as the ones on the 3D models XD
Anyways I should still go to bed
I gotta wake up a bit earlier to wash my hair
elfin rover
Last night we watched wonka, that was fun
And we went shopping
And it was a nicer, relaxing day
elfin rover
Tonight I miss him
But I realise that I miss who he was, what we had
He’s changed, I’ve changed…
But it wouldn’t be the same now
And truly, we wouldn’t be happy
I’m sad that things ended this way, but I suppose it’s for the best
Now I’m seeing someone who’s nice as well
He makes me laugh, I feel comfortable with him
I’m not sure that I love him, but I certainly do like him
He’s a bit quiet, but I suppose I don’t really mind
Earlier I felt down
He noticed (we take a walk every Sunday :) )
I didn’t want to tell him why, I don’t want to tell him I missed my ex, I didn’t want to tell him about that
I didn’t want to tell him I cried when I had a dream that I saw a message that said he loved someone else very much
I know it’s wrong
But I couldn’t help it
That’s why I didn’t tell him
I’m not hung up on my ex, I simply miss what we had
But those people are gone now
So I need to focus on what I do have
elfin rover
I wish he were a little more responsive
I know I should talk to him instead of just moping about it
But I… I don’t want to cause problems
Not already
elfin rover
I need to be more vulnerable
I need to tell him how I felt today
I should have told him when he asked
Repeatedly
I tell him that I’ll tell him when I’m not feeling great because I expect the same, yet here I am, doing that very thing
Why did I ignore his call
I should talk to him about this tomorrow
It’s late
I should sleep
elfin rover
Today it is late
I’m working on a project that was due almost a week ago
It’s ironic, isn’t it? I promised myself I wouldn’t do this anymore, always turn my work in on time…
Yet here I am… still procrastinating
I’d wanted to make an animation, but I didn’t have enough time
And I’ve felt really bad about it
And I don’t know how to ask for help or how to talk about how I feel
I lied to him yesterday
I told him I was fine
Even though I’d promised him I’d tell him if I weren’t
I can’t believe I lied
I felt overwhelmed by my resume… I have nothing to offer
This made me cry, but I cry easily
I tried to hide that too, but idiot me forgot I was wearing makeup 😅
So he noticed, and he’s just the sweetest
I still tried to hold it in, but it was comforting knowing that he was there for me
He’s rather good at reading my emotions, it’s kinda surprising how accurate it is
I wish I’d told him the truth
I need to finish my assignment hahaha
Oh but in more interesting news, I’m applying for a job!!!
I’ll be a “Digital Accessibility Specialist”
I hope I get the job
elfin rover
I finished my project
It wasn’t perfect, but it was “good enough”
Sometimes it has to be enough to get “good enough”
But anyways I’m exhausted and I need to get up in 3 hours for my anatomy physiology lecture
elfin rover
Sooooo tired
elfin rover
Just got back from his parents’
I had fun
Even though car shopping is somewhat on the dull side, we still did lots of fun things
His family is really nice and I had fun
Next semester (and the one after that) will be kinda tough
It’s gonna be kind of long-distance
elfin rover
Honestly I’m not feeling great right now
elfin rover
Lmaooooo it’s 1 in the morning and I should be sleeping
I have class in 7hrs, have to get up in 6
We love this
Uni life, am I right?
Anyways, finals are next week
Exciting
I’m going to try and dm a one-shot over the spring break
elfin rover
Hyperfocus is crazy
Idk how long I played sims today, but you bet it was a heck of a lot of time
But I finished my house :)
I’m so proud of it and I’m happy with how it turned out!!!
Perhaps I should take a break though, my eyes hurt and are a little red
Is this what growing up is? A bunch of weird pains and stuff that never happened as a kid 😭😭
Maybe I’m just noticing it now because I’m not so focused on, well, my depression
Lmao who knows
I should sleep
elfin rover
Today I get to dm for the first timeeee
Let’s go baby
I started doing the little New York Times games with my bf
It’s really fun :)
We do those together on my phone when he’s here, so it’s a fun always connect while he’s away!
elfin rover
Today I re-watched a silent voice and holy crap it made me cryyyy
Watching it again made me notice things I’d not noticed the first time through
I don’t/didn’t know any Japanese sign language, but after the movie I learnt the sign for “friend” and knowing that just broke my heart re-watching it
elfin rover
welllllllllll
arithmetic is the bane of my existence
djklsdfgkjdsjkljgdfsk
I suppose it comes with the dyscalculia
but holy crap, that chemistryt homework took far longer than it was meant to
and it makes me look like an idiot
elfin rover
Feeling really low on energy today
elfin rover
I just realised it’s been a while since I’ve had thoughts of ending things or anything else
I’m glad I’m in such a better place
Sure, sometime I still have hard days
Especially when I’m feeling lonely, understimulated, or frustrated
But they’re never so bad that I go back to that mindset, that horrible, horrible place in my mind
I hope I never get to that point again
It was terrible and I have no idea how I’d cope
I’m in a relationship again, but I don’t know if I could bring myself to tell him if I ever felt that way again
I know I should, but I don’t want him to be affected, I don’t want him to worry for me about that
Anyways, I’m glad I’m doing much better
I’ve got to think of ways to keep this up
elfin rover
I love when I'm trying to finish an assignment and suddenly the textbook stops working
which, like, why am I paying for an online textbook, first
and second, I'd rather have a physical copy if the online one has problems like this 🙃
elfin rover
Why do I still think about him?
I’m in a happy, committed relationship
I know that trying to make that work right now would not make me happy
And I’m happy right now!
So why, why do I still think about Kuma?
elfin rover
I think… I still feel bad and deep, deep in my heart I’m still wondering “what if” what if it could work out in the future
It’s kind of scary to admit out loud, and I wouldn’t dare, but writing it has helped a little bit
The truth is, right now it wouldn’t work
It would it work because he is busy, I am busy
There’s a whole 8 hour time difference
And there’s someone else in my life right now
I can’t say whether or not it will last
But that’s the truth
elfin rover
Today I felt so passionate about my choice in studies
This semester, although it’s not my first, and I’ve been already taking my nursing classes, I’m taking intro to nursing
And oh my goodness, highlight of my day
We watched a video by Johnson Johnson and it was about the purpose of nurses and how they have changed the world. From Florence Nightingale to Clara Barton to a nurse whose name I don’t quite remember they went over the numerous was in which nurses have changed not only the field of nursing, but the lives of people around them and the world
I teared up a little because I felt so passionate when watching that video
I hope that someday I can be a good nurse, a nurse that listens and cares for her patients and does her very best to make a difference for people.
I’m so excited for what’s to come
I know it won’t be easy, but is anything worthwhile easy?
Today those thoughts put a pep in my step and I’m just so excited for what’s in my future :)
elfin rover
Today I was looking at memes with my roommates
And I scrolled far enough that I saw pictures of Kuma again
I don’t want to delete those pictures, I don’t want to get rid of them, but it kind of crushes me a bit inside every time I see them
I thought he was my “soulmate” (in the loosest sense of the word)
I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together
I felt so connected and like everything was right…
I really appreciate my current bf, he’s really sweet and I can see myself falling in love with him and I feel horrible still thinking about my ex
I’m not sure what to do and of course I can’t ask him what he thinks, it’ll crush him
This is so confusing, I wish I could skip to when I’m already married and happy
I really do like the guy I’m currently with, I really do
elfin rover
It's??? snowing???
I can't believe its May and its full on snowing outside
what in the global warming is this?
elfin rover
Hello again
I am once more thinking about Kuma
I might have to see him over the summer
I’m going to go visit my family
Hopefully he isn’t there at the same time
Why can’t I get him out of my head
I have another boyfriend now
elfin rover
Well
I’m not feeling like that anymore
But I do have another slight conundrum
I’ve begun to think that perhaps I am, in fact, bi
I do know I like guys, but maybe girls too?
Who knows lmao
It’s confusing, especially being ace
But in other news I’m meeting with both D&D groups tmr
The group I’m dm’ing (for a session 0) and the group I’m playing with! I’m quite excited
Last session we finished on us stumbling on an enemy that looks like it’ll be quite interesting
It was a FNaF situation (it was quite literally nearly just FNaF)
And now we’re going to fight the enemy
elfin rover
I need to rememberrrrrrrrrrrr
to read questions properlyyyyyyyyyyyy
I could have gotten 100% on this stoichiometry assignment if I had
but nooooooooooooo, I didn't read that it wanted the answer in kg, not g
😭
elfin rover
Did my chem test yesterday
Yuck
85%
That isn’t bad, but I was certainly hoping for better…
But I got to see my bf 🥰
Seeing him made me remember how much I miss him and miss him even more :(
But I’ll see him tmr
And then next weekend too, for my birthday!
I miss him so very much
It was nice spending time with him though
We accidentally matched today (without even talking abt it beforehand!) I was wearing a pink top with a black skirt and he wore a pink shirt and black pants
It was so funny when I realised
The shades of pink were even quite similar (imagine a more pastel pink)
It’s getting warmer at last, so I can finally wear short sleeves!
That was something that was a bit different, I’m used to seeing him in long sleeves, so I don’t really see his scars. I know they’re there, but I didn’t really see them before and it makes me a little bit sad. It makes me sad to know he was hurting so much at one point that he did that… I’m glad he’s here though, I’m so glad I got to meet him and that he’s such a great part of my life now. I hope if he would trust me to talk about it if depression starts to be a big problem for him again. He always promises me he’d talk to me, but I hope he means it! Anyways, that’s a whole tangent right there, but I was very happy to see him :)
I can’t wait to see him more later today and then over the weekend again!
elfin rover
I’m so sleepy
Turns out going to bed real late and getting up early is not a good idea
I fell back asleep after my alarm went off and I was late to churchhh
But it was okay
And now I’m on my way to see Tsuru againnn
elfin rover
I’m so excited for my campaignnnn
elfin rover
What the heck pms
Make me feel like crap all day
But now that it’s nearly one in the morning I have energy and motivation?
I hope I’m like this in the morning… I need to clean the bathroom 😭😭
Was planning the weekend with my bf ❤️❤️
I’m going to have to figure out what to cook
elfin rover
I’m going to bed with a happy heart tonight ❤️
The play was good fun and it was just so nice to see him and be near him
We had a lovely dinner with his sister and her bf
Then we went to the mall and I got a new skirt (and it’s absolutely darling)
Then we went to the play!
And that was good fun
And then we came back to my place and watched an episode of the good place
Then we cuddled on the couch a bit when my roommates weren’t around haha
He went back to his grandparents’ and then I’m going to see him in the morning again
elfin rover
I forgot to write about the other two days!
Saturday was also a lovely day ❤️❤️
He came over in the morning and we hung out a bit, then we drove down to his grandparents’ town where we had lunch and then went shopping, walked around, got boba and then went to dinner
Dinner was absolutely lovely! He knows I really like sushi so he insisted we have sushi for dinner and it was really sweet
We tried some fun and interesting rolls and I quite liked them!
Then, after, we stopped by the supermarket and got my cake for Sunday (because he left on Sunday) and went back to his grandparents’ to watch some good place, cuddle, and for him to give me his gift!
It was a really sweet necklace and jewellery box and a biiiig box of goldfish (because I’m obsessed with goldfish haha) and a big thing of my favourite gummies ❤️❤️
It was so sweet 🥰
Then we came home (I got home a bit later than I’m meant to; he lost his car keys and we had to find them) but everything was okay
Then Sunday we went to church together and then came home and… kinda crashed on the couch 😅
We were both exhausted and fell asleep haha
Then we made a late lunch (butter chicken curry) and went to a campus event and then came back home and sang happy birthday with the cake!
And then he left which was sad
But hopefully he’ll be able to visit again soon ❤️
elfin rover
Today I’m having some thoughts that aren’t quite as fun
I obviously really appreciate Tsuru
I dare say perhaps I even love him
But… I still think about Kuma
I still miss him a bit
Even though I know that right now things wouldn’t work and… I don’t think I would be able to have the future I wanted with him
But there’s still a part of me that wonders what if
And I know I shouldn’t
I’m committed to someone else right now
And I really, really like him
And I don’t want to hurt him
I don’t know what to do
This was all kind of sparked by a show I’m watching with my roommates
The guy meets up with a girl he dated and loved and finds out she’s married now
And I
I don’t know where I’m going with this
But I’m conflicted…
Perhaps I got into another relationship too soon
Maybe I wasn’t ready…
elfin rover
I really do like him, very much
It’s not exactly like it was with Kuma, but that’s the point, is it not?
Every relationship is meant to be different
elfin rover
He’s coming up tomorrow again 🥰
His parents have stuff to do up here so I get so see him again
That’s exciting
elfin rover
I was reading over some of my older entries and wow, I really am in a much better place than I was a few months ago
I’m so glad :)
I didn’t get far enough to read the entries from when I wasn’t doing great, but the entries now are so varied and usually have a positive vibe
I still worry about some of the things I did then, but I also have other things to think about :)
I really need to sleep though haha
elfin rover
Today I got to see him again!
His family came up for Memorial Day
I stayed with them on Sunday and then spent time with them Sunday evening and then the whole first half of the day today
It was quite lovely
I miss him a lot
But we’ve already made plans for the next time he’s going to visit me
elfin rover
Feeling ill today and had a bit of a mini breakdown
Feeling much better now that I have food in my system but I can’t help but feel as though I ate too much
elfin rover
Planning things with other people is soooo hard
Trying to plan dates for dnd and neither group seems to be working out 😭😭
elfin rover
Alright today was quite nice
I felt rather productive and not too bad tbh
Tried watching a movie with my bf but it didn’t work
But I did have a thought today
“Recovering” from depression/a depressive episode is really tough
I still can’t always remember to shower every day and my eating habits are wack (although I think that has more to do with the possible adhd)
I still fall into those bad patterns quite easily
I should talk to my bf about this
And I will at one point
I just don’t want to worry him
elfin rover
Well I did do something abt it
I’m going to go see a counsellor abt it
And I did talk to him a little bit about it
Not too much, but I did
Tmr I have my consultation and then I’ll be able to have an actual appointment
I hope this helps
In other news, I do think that I’m getting closer to him
We talked more yesterday and it was quite nice
I got to learn more abt him and he got to learn more about me
We’re not perfect but it’s working :)
elfin rover
As I get older, I realise how lucky I was and frankly, how sheltered I was
I don’t think I was ever good at noticing what others are going through and stuff like that
Or I suppose I also attract others who are like me and so will have gone through some stuff I have gone through and understand
But I also have met a lot of people recently who have gone through things I can’t even imagine
And it makes me sad that anyone has had to go through that
I guess I can’t entirely blame myself for not knowing when I was younger
Children don’t notice the same things that adults do
Anyways I say this because I’m a little worried abt Tsuru, he didn’t seem all that okay today when we talked. He actually seemed fine but something was off, and I couldn’t tell what
It’s hard, I want to believe that he would tell me if something were wrong, but idk… I guess I just have to trust him
I don’t always tell him when I’m not okay, so how can I expect him to do that?
Oh well, I should sleep
elfin rover
I hate chemistryyyyyyy
It sucksssss
Actually, the part I hate most is the physics?? That we’re doing
Like, sir, this is a chemistry course
I get that physics is important
But I don’t want my grade to have to count on my ability to do complex physics calculations??
Grr
elfin rover
Why are the gas laws so stupid and hard to understand
And why the hell would they ask me a question with psi and kPa and other conversions in it
I want to go to bedddddd
elfin rover
Finally finished that horrid assignment
Turns out if written the Gay-Lussac law incorrectly
It’s pressure over temperature
Not temperature over pressure
🤦🏻♀️
I should learn to take a deep breath and reevaluate where mistakes could be made, especially in maths
I guess I was so stuck with “yuck I hate physics” that I wasn’t able to see clearly and I somewhat set myself up for a disaster
Oh well, you live and you learn
I should really sleep now
I’ve got to be up in less than five hours…
elfin rover
I’m going to try something new and fun!
At some point, I’m going to start planning my meals so that I make sure I actually cook myself dinner (and sometimes lunch) so I don’t end up having just snacks for dinner
So I’ll try to keep a journal of what I’ve made that day and how easy or difficult it was to make
elfin rover
Wahhh
Stayed up late doing chemistry work again 😭😭
Stupid program wasn’t working either
Went to my first counselling session earlier today
It was good
Ok I’m freaking tired
I gotta get up in
6 ish hours rip
elfin rover
Feeling a bit upset about my biostatistics grade
It’s dropped my overall grade to an a- and I really need to keep my grades up
My chemistry grade is already abysmally lower than it should be, I can’t afford to slip up on a mother class
But I noticed a few things
Towards the end, I rushed a bit
I was feeling restless and was having a hard time concentrating on what I was doing; it took every once of my being to get through the end of that test
I tried to slow down and read the questions, but I may have read through them quickly or copy-pasted the wrong things from the program
I may also have written an answer that was incorrect according to the system, but not the professor
Going to take a deep breath, calm down and keep going with my day
Although I’m upset about the grade, (and I am allowed to be) I can instead focus on other things (like revising for my chemistry exam
elfin rover
Well… I did even worse on the chemistry exam…
I don’t get it
I was understanding so well and I felt so confident about all of my answers….
elfin rover
Okay I’m back baby
I sound more cheerful than I feel today
But I was scrolling through Pinterest (I said I’d be today… guess not lmao) and I came across a really interesting post about traumas that are often invalidated
And one of the ones they mentioned was having a partner struggling with addiction
Now, my ex was by no means abusive, never ever, so I don’t have any trauma related to that
But to think that the whole situation in of itself could be somewhat of a trauma is… kind of validating
I’m working through a lot of stuff right now
And to hear that it’s okay to have felt overwhelmed about that is… normal (?) is validating
I think my issues are a lot more complex than I’d originally imagined and there’s a lot I have to work through
But I’ll get there some day :)
elfin rover
Okay I had a fun conversation with my SO today
(It was fun but this one particular part is ironic)
We were talking about mbti types
And he said that last time he took it he got INTP
(I’m ENFP)
And the funny part of this is: when the whole summer fiasco happened I vowed to never date a Thinker ever again
The other funny part: he said one other time when he took it in the past, he got INTJ (two funny parts to this funny part;) 1. That’s my ex’s mbti type but introverted rather than extroverted and 2. Supposedly intj and enfp are perfect match
It was all just for fun, but I thought that was kinda funny
elfin rover
Woo! Had an interesting day today
I love this one concept in psychology (I forgot what it’s called) that the last thing that happens in a day or at the end of a period of time is what colours your whole view of said event
Today I was actually having a pretty terrible day
Felt exhausted and nothing was going right
And a bunch of stuff happened
But then at lunch time my boyfriend somewhat surprised me on campus and took me to lunch! And I just made my day and I’ve been pretty happy ever since
And even though that was a small thing that happened, it was towards the end of the day and so I’m more inclined to say that I had a good day
elfin rover
Y’all I need to go to bed earlier
Still thinking abt the comment he made about our future
It made me happy
I’m not ready to be like “yeah, let’s get married and plan all of these things for the future” bc I’m still worried about things… not turning out that way, but it was a really cute moment
I can feel myself healing, little by little
I’m glad and excited for that
I don’t have to make any commitments right now and I know that :)
We can just take things at our own pace and figure things out as they come
I don’t need to have everything figured out
That’s a-okay :)
elfin rover
I think I’m falling in love
Obviously I’ve liked him this whole time (I wouldn’t have stayed for 5 months if not lmao) but I think it’s starting to be deeper than that
Yesterday he did something really sweet for me and I really appreciated that
I didn’t feel an instant “ahahahhahn no” at the mention of possible future plans
Not ready for plans for the future yet, but I think it’s beginning to be more
elfin rover
Opened my ds to play a link between worlds
And saw Kuma’a old file for the game
:(
It’s a weird feeling right now
Perhaps I ought to go to sleep
elfin rover
Well it’s been a hot second since I’ve written here
I hate it when that happens bc then it’s harder to find it 🙃
elfin rover
I think I’m falling in love
But since I wrote this
We’ve said ‘I love you” for the first time :)
It was such a cute story
I ought to write about it in the morning though, I have to get up early for that chem assignment 😞
elfin rover
Well
I ended up not having to do it till later so I slept in a bit
But now
I didn’t do it at all in the end, I forgot about it and then it was too late
elfin rover
It was such a cute story
Well it’s not the morning but I shall impart unto ye this story
We were hanging out at the little stands where we sell fireworks
(I’d been helping him and his family with this)
And it was Tuesday of last week
And we were just kinda goofing around, waiting for customers (that day was realllllly slow) and then we were just kinda sitting around after goofing off and he just blurts out “I love you”
I was a little surprised but replied with “I love you too” and I meant it :)
And then we were all happy and he thought it was cute I was so smiley and then throughout the day he kept saying it again and again
It was so sweet
And frankly, last week brought us so much closer to each other
I’m happy with how things are going:)
It’s been roughly a year (perhaps a bit less) since my breakup with Kuma and I could never have imagined this is where I’d be now
Things really do get better
So to anyone reading this now, please don’t lose hope
Things may be so, so bad
And it’ll seem like it’ll never end
And the pain is just there and doesn’t go away
And I still have some days where I have a little bit of pain
But it does get better
If you’ve been reading here for a while, you’ll remember how absolutely broken I was a bit ago
I was completely shattered, giving up and just… a shell of a person
There were days where I wished for it to all be over
There were days where I thought “what would be the best way to go?” “How can I end this?”
I just blocked everything out, gave myself no time to think
I’m doing much, much better now
I don’t know how I made it through
I had nothing at the time
I felt so alone and isolated, completely abandoned by life
Nobody around me seemed to understand
And I’ve still got a ways to go in regards to talking about feelings and expressing my emotions
But I’m sincerely in a much better place
It does get better, even if it doesn’t feel like it
There was a quote I read the other day that I can’t remember atm
Ah I can’t remember what it was but it was really good
It was something about keeping going not because you know things will get better but because you have hope that things will get better (?)
Something like that
But I really like the quote from uncle Iroh
“You can’t always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you just keep moving, you will come to a better place.”
Take things one step at a time and things will get better
elfin rover
chemistry is so dumbbbbbbbbbb
kidding ofc its fgascinating and I actually really value it
but holy crap sometimes it's a painnnnnnnnnn
elfin rover
We had D&D today
Well, yesterday, technically
And I think I did a pretty good job dm’ing today
They said it was the best session yet
elfin rover
I remember that day
elfin rover
I uh
There’s no feeling worse than seeing that one of your messages was read but not responded to and then you sent other messages after that and they weren’t seen
Welp I gotta wait ‘till the morning for this one I guess
Hope this isn’t a fight coming on…
elfin rover
Every month,
Like clockwork
The feelings come, flooding back.
Loneliness, despair,
Heartbreak
Everything.
It’s a train wreck,
Messy and emotional.
Bloody, even.
But by then, the feelings have subsided
The what ifs come chug-a-chug-chugging
Along the tracks, the train of thought
Perfectly on time,
Just as a train ought
Every month,
Like clockwork
I wonder
What am I doing?
Is this even right?
I don’t want to hurt anyone
But, without meaning, I just might.
Again and again,
Every month
Like clock work
The train comes, chug-a-chug-chugging
And causes a wreck
Well that’s an angsty poem…
I’m okay, this is just… a momentary rough patch
elfin rover
Hope this isn’t a fight coming on…
It wasn’t :) instead he apologised and made sure he knew I was loved
elfin rover
I was thinking and I’m going to go see my doctor about pmdd
It’s kinda interfering with life, a bit
I can’t be this emotional and a mess for two weeks out of every month
It’s exhausting and frankly a bit dangerous
It’s like a small taste of how I felt last fall
For a few days and then less intense
But I can’t deal with that
So I’ll see my doctor about it
And I’ll talk to my psychologist, too when we have our session this week
Woo hoo
Anyways finals are almost up!
And then it’s time with bf 🥰🥰
And then family
And then family back at home
elfin rover
I wish I had more friends
And by friends I mean people who care about me as much as I care about them
Someone who notices when I’m sad
Someone who invites me to hang out
Someone who enjoys my company
I have plenty of people I enjoy hanging out with
But… I’m always the first to reach out
It’s hard…
elfin rover
Oh kay
Need to learn how to ground myself when I’m feeling that way
Can’t just cry and then wait till I’m tired enough to sleep 😅
And really should see a doctor about this nonsense
I get it’s supposed to be a little weird, but I don’t think I’m supposed to get this out of wack every month 😅
elfin rover
Feeling a bit better after talking to bf and sleeping
elfin rover
Wow
Finals sure were something
But I finished and I survived
And even got good marks
elfin rover
After a day of feeling like crap
I was able to start packing after my shower
And I may have gone slightly overboard
And now it’s four in the morning and I’ll only get 4 hours of sleep
elfin rover
I’m glad I was able to see bf before leaving
It would have been really sad if we hadn’t
Yesterday we went to build-a-bear (for anyone who doesn’t know what that is it’s a shop where you can buy a stuffed animal, stuff it yourself and buy it little clothes, too, it’s great) and made a “joint custody bear” aka we’ll take turns taking care of our little bear at different points
I have first “custody” so he’s going to come home with me haha
Okay I need to sleep lmao
elfin rover
Well journal, that’s that
I saw Kuma today and it was a little bit hard
But it was nice, too
elfin rover
We went to London today
It was exciting
We walked 15 km though
Sooo much walking
elfin rover
I’m so fucking tiredddddddd
Excuse my language tonight
But I am tired
Emotionally and physically haha
Tired of trying to adult whilst constantly feeling inadequate and now having my parents basically say they don’t feel like I’m adulting well enough
And I understand the points that they are making but it also feels like they don’t trust me
I understand I’ve lacked a bit of the foresight they want me to have, I really do
But the way they’re dealing with it kinda sucks
They say I can only see the negatives and always find the bad about all the things they’re saying?
Well, that’s how I feel and I find it difficult to find the positives in hard things and they aren’t making it any easier
Constantly finding the negatives or holes in my plans
Isn’t that what you’re teaching I’m supposed to be doing?
I don’t like being home
It feels like all the progress I’ve made has kind of gone away
I’m here again, sitting in my closet, drying my eyes out and feeling like this is what life is like and I’m just doomed to hate it ‘till I die
Wouldn’t necessarily say I’m feeling suicidal again… but perhaps getting there
Have any of these tactics worked in the past, parents?
Have any of them yielded good results?
Have any of them brought us closer together and a sense of bonding?
I don’t have a horrible family and lots of family issues
So I don’t feel as though I have the right to complain about my parents
But holy crap is it hard sometimes
Anyways, sorry for the more gloomy journal entry today
I needed to get that off my chest
So I could sleep (like I was told to…)
elfin rover
Well it’s the morning and I only feel slightly better
Was able to talk through and think about some of the stuff with bf last night
I feel bad for dumping this on him
He’s got enough stuff to deal with on his own, I shouldn’t complain like this to him
And it was a bit frustrating too bc he didn’t know what to do to help either and I wasn’t in a position to think of ideas
elfin rover
Uuuugh
Things were going okay
Now not as much
And I’m frustrated and feeling alone
Tired of all this crap
elfin rover
Okay yesterday wasn’t as bad as I thought it was
Idk he has the patience of an otherworldly being it feels sometimes
Idk if it’s just that we were talking over text, so I couldn’t see how he was reacting but fr it didn’t feel like he got upset
elfin rover
Okok it was okay, nothing bad happened
And now I’ve decided on what I’m going to do for bf’s birthday
(Happy birthday to my love today)
I’m going to make him a plushie keychain!!
One that looks like his late fish
elfin rover
Currently feeling sub-par again
Adult life seems like just one big hassle
Wdym I have to do stuff I don’t want all the time with no time to enjoy myself or my hobbies or anything else
elfin rover
Waah another long day making cookies
Silly brain forgot to put my uniform in the dryer 😭😭
So we had to speed dry that before leaving for work 😵💫
But it was all good
Made it to work on time and got everything (?) done
Dumb caramel frosting had a bunch of butter chunks though (ick)
I’ve realised that I’ve gotten a bit too good at pretending
Bf can tell I’m not doing well all the time but I never talk about it, even when it’s creating tension
The thing is, I don’t even know what’s wrong most of the time
Hormones? 🤷🏻♀️ stress? 🤷🏻♀️ just depression coming back for no good reason? 🤷🏻♀️
And I can’t quite tell what I’m feeling down about so how am I meant to know how to fix it?
Waah
I need to do more yoga
And I want a pet fish
Soooo badly
But I couldn’t keep it in my dorm room…
So fishy wouldn’t have a place to live half of the year 😭😭
elfin rover
Not feeling great
I wish I knew what is going on
I feel so distant from bf
I’m always pushing him to go out and do things with other people, but now that he is, I feel left out (?) and a little jealous
And idk how to talk abt that without sounding like an ass
Like “ah yes, I want more attention and you shouldn’t go hang out with your new roommates bc I feel jealous” obviously I know that’s not the way to talk about that (it’s not even fully true to what I’m feeling…)
I miss him and I feel a little lonely
And I feel like I’m the only one making an effort to stay connected while we’re apart sometimes
And Ik we view things a bit differently, but it still doesn’t feel great…
I know I need to ask for more things, but idk how and there’s the whole feeling of “if I ask him for this, then he’s only doing it bc I asked for it and not because he wants to”
Waaaah
elfin rover
Okay I’m finally going to talk to someone
But I’m scared to be honest
What if talking to someone opens a whole new can of worms
What if all my problems are something I’ve never considered
What if there are even other things
I want answers, I suppose
But how will that affect everything else?
elfin rover
Worse yet, what if I’m not taken seriously? Or what if they can’t figure out what’s going on?