It’s very confusing
#Eda’s Journal
elfin rover
On one hand, I want to hold onto hope
I want to hold onto the hope that in the future, maybe in a few years, we’ll find a way back together and then we can get our happily ever after
On the other hand, I’m also feeling hurt
Should I even bother? Even when this is going on? You’re doing the same thing my “friends” did (or it seems a lot like it…) and that kind of hurts
You always said that you’d always be there for me, even if we broke up and now we did. We didn’t want to ruin our friendship because we tried long-distance
So what are you doing?
Am I a fool?
Or am I being to pessimistic
I can’t tell
elfin rover
One of the memories that just keeps coming back (and probably hurts the most) is I think it was our 6-month, maybe and we were at that park we always went to, the one near the museum and we could take the tram to
And we had a lovely picnic, we walked around and just talked and hung out and had fun together
And one moment in particular stood out to me
While we were walking in this area with trees, you gave me a hug and it was just so nice and I remember we were talking about how we would have each other forever and we’d be able to do things like this more in the future and how we loved each other so much
And I remember even saying something like “I wish I could stay here, in your arms forever”
But now it’ll never happen
What happened to the future we dreamed of
And the way I write about it, it seems like it was a one-sided break up, but no, we did talk about it and came to the conclusion that it’s for the best
But it’s eating away at me
Because it is probably for the best, at least for now
I hate how things turned out like this
elfin rover
I think… I need to get out more 😅
elfin rover
I still miss you dreadfully, Kuma
It’s not fair
And I want to be upset at you
And sometimes I am
But I can’t be
I love (loved?) you too much
And there’s nothing to be mad at you about
I mean, it makes me sad that at the moment it seems as though you don’t want to talk anymore
But are you really to blame?
No, and maybe it’s for the best
I guess I should just let things be and see how it goes
elfin rover
Today I got Guinaifen, Luka and Susheng all in 30 pulls
Pretty happy with those results
Was going for just guinaifen, but now I have those two too
elfin rover
I miss you, Kuma
We had a wonderful relationship
It wasn’t perfect
No, far from it
But it was absolutely wonderful
I know I’ve said this many times, but… I hope that the future has a plan for us because I feel in my heart that we were meant to be
I may be wrong
But if I am, I hope we can at least be friends forever
elfin rover
I keep encountering people that remind me of you, in lots of ways
elfin rover
I really miss you Kuma
But now it’s just a soft ache
I suppose I can live with a soft ache
I don’t feel like it’ll go away
elfin rover
Adulting isn’t fun
Growing up, I think, is realising that no matter how much I think I have in control, how much I have planned, I really don’t have any control at all
I’m not a little kid anymore and being in denial and wishing things were different won’t help anything
Maybe growing up is having to actually think about things and not just do what my heart desires, but make decisions methodically, and with purpose
I can’t just go after things without thinking about it
And the decisions I need to make now… have a bigger impact on my life
I’m the one in control now, I can’t rely on my parents, I need to make decisions myself and for myself
So… once again, I hope in my heart, oh so very much, that we can grow back together again in the future, but I have no control over that
Growing up is hard. I always told you I didn’t want to get older, and you’d always reassure me that you’d be there to help me. And now you’re not. Whether that’s on purpose, or you’re hurting just as much as I, you’re not.
I’ve got to pick myself up and keep going, time’s not going to stop
So I can either stay here in denial, or keep moving and making purposeful changes and shaping myself to how I want to be
Because that is one thing I have control over
Who I am
And the fact is, I’m an adult now, and I’m setting up for my future
I can’t keep wishing I could stay little, that’s not possible
Anyways enough of that, I should sleep
elfin rover
Hmm today we bought the tickets
I’m excited
(Well, I suppose that was yesterday, according to the clock)
Can’t believe it’s actually happening
elfin rover
Well, he answered at last
I’m glad he’s not just cutting me off completely, just like that
But… I can’t help and think that maybe it’s not possible to be just friends
At least, not right now
This is all a bit confusing tbh
I’m glad that I have time to figure it out
I don’t have to figure that out right now
And this just happens to be something I can’t figure out right this second, that’s okay
elfin rover
And yet… I’d like to know right this second
I’d like to know what will happen
I’d like to have everything figured out
But that’s impossible
elfin rover
Well tonight I had a dream with you in it again
But it was… interesting
At least it was neither the usual “we get back together and yay happy ending” nor the “you now hate my guts” dream
elfin rover
I wish I could ask you to help me with my schedule
You’re good at planning things, timetables
I miss you so much
elfin rover
Today’s been really hard for some reason
Here I am in my bathroom, crying again over something as silly as this
This is the worst
I wish you were here to give a hug, to hold me like you used to, on those days I just couldn’t take it anymore
I and help me see that everything would be okay
I just miss everything about you
My world felt… complete with you
Everything would be okay, as long as we had each other
Now… we want to stay friends, at least but neither of us is really sure what to feel and everything is just so confusing
elfin rover
If it were completely up to me, I think maybe I would have attempted anything and everything to stay together
But ultimately I also agree that breaking up now is much better than breaking up while long distance or even after, if we find things aren’t working out how we would have liked
So on one hand I want to be angry that you didn’t want to try, but I’m also grateful that you said no and we came to the agreement that this is for the best
I think that the way things are now, they have a better chance of ending well, whatever that ending may be
But it still hurts
It hurts like hell
And it’s a little bit confusing, hehe
I feel like I’ve had so many life experiences, but I’m not even close to being halfway done, it’s kinda daunting to think about
I’ve not even quite made it to a quarter yet
I can’t believe there’s still so much to experience
So stressed rn though
elfin rover
Registered for all my classes^^
Got all the ones I wanted so now I’m golden and ready to go next semester
elfin rover
As I’ve said before, I suppose I also don’t really know how to feel
On one hand, I agree that it was the best course of action for now and will, in the long run, lead to better results (again, whatever those results may be…)
But on the other hand, I can also see this as being a softer way to break up because I was quite the handful, I suppose
But I don’t know if that’s just me overthinking
And we did agree that this is the best way to continue
I’m probably just overthinking it…
I’ve really been missing you, Kuma
I hope one day we can be how we used to be
Well, I suppose it would be different
But I hope we can be as close as we used to be
Whether that be as close as we were as friends
Or more
Either way, I’ll be happy
Both made me very happy and I’m glad to have had you in my life both ways
Of course, I hope you can come back as more, but that might change, for many reasons, but yeah
Why does everything always circle back to you
elfin rover
Since my parents are moving, I’m going through some of my old stuff from HS
It hurts so much so see all the little notes he’d leave me
It was such a wholesome relationship
I miss him so much…
I miss you so much, Kuma, it hurts really badly
Found some money in my old stuff tho hehe
elfin rover
I miss you and I want another chance… but am I willing to risk it not working in the future and having to go through this again?
Well, I don’t have to think about that now
That’s for future me to worry about, if it even gets to that point lol
I shouldn’t worry myself about things that are so far in the future
I suppose as things are right now though, I wouldn’t be sacrificing much
But idk if that’s bc he’s still figuring out how he feels or what
This is so confusinggg
elfin rover
It’s kinda driving me crazy ngl
elfin rover
Last night I didn’t a dream specifically about you, but you were in it and we were close again
I wish that were reality
elfin rover
I wish I knew what to do
It’s still kinda driving me crazy, ngl
And I think it’s something that will likely continue to drive me a little crazy maybe even the rest of my life
For some reason it’s really hurting right now
Im@not even thinking about it that much
I just feel despair, almost
I don’t know how to explain it, it doesn’t make sense, but I was just so sure he is the one
elfin rover
Such conflicting feelings, all day
I’m not sure what to think
I go from okay to not to it will be okay from moment to moment
It’s torturous ahah
I genuinely don’t know what to do or think
I mean, yeah, I can’t do anything about it rn
I’d best just focus on helping my parents move…
I can’t wait for next semester, I’ll have something to keep my busy and I’ll have more of an actual life
I’m excited for the classes I’ll be taking
Other than the maths course, I mean
Psych, anatomy and physiology and the anatomy and physiology lab will be interesting though
elfin rover
Just idk
I can’t take my mind off it
It’s driving me crazy
I don’t know how, everything literally always goes back to him
Please, universe, if there’s a way to make it happen, please help it happen
But there’s nothing I can do about it now
This is so confusing
elfin rover
I felt pretty crap when we first met. I’d just moved from a place I’d loved, left behind some of my closest friends and just felt all-around horrible
But then we met, had an instant, genuine connection, the type few people have, her and we became good friends and things were starting to look up
You genuinely took interest in me and genuinely cared about me
Nobody here had before you
And we quickly became close friends, one might even say best friends
We had many similarities, and a genuine connection
And then things got even better when we started dating
I was dating my best friend! Everything was great, I felt like nothing could take me down
Or connection just grew ever stronger
But now we’ve had to part ways
Ripped apart by some cruel fate
Now I feel even more empty than before
For now I’ve not just lost my partner, I’ve lost my best friend too
I honestly have no idea what’s going to happen
I don’t know what’s meant to happen
Sometimes I blame you, sometimes I’m angry at you
Sometimes I blame myself, for not being a good enough girlfriend
But I know it’s not you, it’s not me
Neither of us wanted to do this
Maybe, just maybe we’ll be able to have our happy ending in the future, when things are less complicated
But I need to tell myself not to expect that, no good can come out of that
I need to keep myself busy…
I’ll work on that story I’m writing, that should keep me plenty occupied
elfin rover
Today I’m still feeling this way
But I should write about other things, to keep my brain occupied
elfin rover
Some podcasts are more effective than others
I fear I’m running out of those, though
elfin rover
Despite the intense feelings I had in the morning, I was able to distract myself quite effectively today
Lots of interesting podcasts
And lots, lots, lots of packing
I had to re-pack about 6 boxes into 3 bigger boxes which was fun
elfin rover
sigh I should just sleep
No use staying awake
It’s bad to stay awake too
But I find myself having a hard time sleeping when I’m not completely exhausted
And I don’t want to lie here and let my thoughts go to where they always go
So I’m going to think about that story I’m working on
Maybe I’ll dream about it and have new ideas^^
elfin rover
Last night I had another dream with you
Except this time it was pretty unpleasant
You didn’t hate my guts, but we weren’t getting back together and things were just awkward… I was Incredibly sad though
I’d much rather have had a dream about my story…
Maybe if I hadn’t expressed my concern about being able to make it through uni and long-distance, we never would have had this problem
Maybe then we would have been able to stay together and we would both be happy now
elfin rover
When I was younger, I liked to watch K-dramas
I liked the excitement, the drama, the romance
Everything about it captivated me
But I think the thing I appreciated most was that you always could tell who was endgame
So I knew, no matter what happened, it was going to be that guy who ended up with the female lead.
They may hate each other now, or have broken up at the moment, but I always thought it was clear who was meant to end up with the female lead
Now, I haven’t watched k-dramas in a while and as it stands, I likely won’t for a while
Romantic stories are a bit of a soft spot at the moment
So I don’t know if that trend has continued, but that was something I appreciated about K-dramas
I wish it were that easy to tell in real life
I suppose for the female leads it wasn’t very easy to tell either, though…
Perhaps it’s just the fact that I was a spectator, so to me it was obvious
After all, some dramas even have time skips, so a lot of time has passed between the characters, of course it’s not obvious to them
I hope he’s the male lead of my drama, who’s obviously meant to be my endgame
But I suppose I have to accept that he may not be
I can’t say for sure that I believe in fate and destiny and all that
But I’d like to believe in it
I’d like to believe that true love finds its way back, or finds its way no matter what
But then again, I’m biased, aren’t I?
Well, I suppose only time can tell
elfin rover
I go from feeling completely fine to broken and empty in a matter of minutes
I keep switching like that today
I have been for the past few days
I just
I want to know
I want to know if everything will be okay
Well, I know everything will be okay
But I want to know how things will turn out
It’s excruciating rn
elfin rover
I miss you, Kuma
elfin rover
Today, over dinner I remembered a new memory
The first time I went over to your house
I was meeting your parents
And I remember your mom was preparing lunch - quiches
And one of the first things you said to her was “Eda doesn’t like mushy foods”
I don’t remember why, but you made sure to point it out to her
It’s a funny memory
That was a fun lunch
When I first heard my parents would be moving I was sad
But then glad that I wouldn’t have to be around a space that reminded me so much of you
The couch upstairs we’d always cuddle on
I remember a little after getting my wisdom teeth out you came over (since we’d missed Valentine’s Day) and we played Rabbids and Mario, the new one
We mostly cuddles that day but I remember wanting to give you a big kiss
But I couldn’t open my mouth all that much or move it altogether
The dining room, where we had so many dinners
Even my room, where I spent many nights texting you or where we would call so often
elfin rover
But now I’m sad again, I’ll be leaving this place and it’s just hit me
I’m never coming back
So now I’m sad about that too
I miss you
And the lovely moments we had
I miss your cuddles and kisses
I miss everything
Even the not-so-nice moments when you were struggling
Because at least we had each other
elfin rover
I keep getting other memories now too
elfin rover
I wish I had someone in-person I could talk to about this
It gets really lonely and writing helps, but only so much
And my parents aren’t all that much help
They were in almost the same exact situation
But look at them, they’re married now
I don’t know what to make of that
elfin rover
And I don’t know what to make of us
Why is life so complicated?
Why am I even bothered about this
Why can’t I just not care, let it go
elfin rover
I had another dream of you last night
But this time it was a “happy” one
I really just want to cuddle with you again
I want you to hold me and tell me everything will be alright and that this is just for a time and we’ll be able to have the future we wanted
But of course, that’s likely just wishful thinking
We probably won’t have that future, or anything like it
Full-on just like, sobbing now
I miss you so freaking much
You made everything better
I always felt like everything would be okay with you around
How are you doing, Kuma? It’s been a while since we properly spoke… about anything at all
I have a secret, and I almost hope nobody reads this
No, I could never say that
Why is life so cruel
Just fucking kill me already
I’m miserable and it doesn’t feel like it’ll ever go away
Every time I’m somewhat getting better my own body goes and ruins it
I don’t even have some light-hearted comment or gif to put here along with that
I just feel miserable and that’s that
And I feel so stupid for being affected by something such as this
It’s something everyone experiences, why should I be so caught up in it and miserable about it
Why can’t I just move on and keep going?
elfin rover
I just miss you so much
I miss you
Your family
Everything
I had nothing, nobody and then you came
Everything was alright for a while
And then even when I started to decline, you were right there next to me
We helped each other
I even made some more friends
Now I have nothing, nobody again
But this time, I nave nothing, nobody and a broken heart
I know you’re probably hurting too
But it’s easier to think that you’re not, and be mad at you
But I don’t want to think that way
I just
Idk
I feel so mean, too, I’m always jealous of happy couples now and it makes me feel horrible
But it also feels unfair that other people can be with their person and I can’t
elfin rover
I’m tired of feeling this way
I want to be able to just fucking pick myself up and be okay
I’m just so done and sick and tired
elfin rover
Had to pass by school to give my sisters their lunch…
Going to school is never easy
For many reasons
elfin rover
We’re moved into the new house
Still have to go back to clean the old place
I’m going to miss it
But certainly not as much as I miss him
elfin rover
I remember going to bed after the first time we talked; we hit it right off, and right on that first conversation you and I talked ‘till like 1 am
And I remember going to sleep happy for once, not feeling empty or sad
And I hoped that we would have more chances to talk, I thought you seemed like a really nice person and we had so much in common
And we did
oh heck we did
After that night, we talked every night without fail for quite a long time
And I loved continuing that when we started dating
And we continued that too
Those parts of my day were honestly a lot of the times, the highlight of my day
You know, I really hope we have the opportunity to do that more in the future
I’m not expecting that to happen; I have no idea what the future holds and having expectations like those would just be detrimental overall
But I would be really happy if that’s a possibility
elfin rover
I suppose I don’t feel as horrible as I did yesterday morning
But I’m still feeling pretty crap
Miss you, Kuma
🐻❄️
elfin rover
I really freaking miss you
Everything still reminds me of you
Will this ever go away?
elfin rover
I’m sorry Kuma…
elfin rover
Feelings are very confusing
elfin rover
Honestly, I miss your company more than anything
You were always so kind and gentle
But also funny and smart
And talking to you was never boring
Our conversations were often the highlight of my day
I could always count on just having you around
Sure, I miss doing couple-y things too (very much) like cuddling and stuff
But I also miss just simply having you around
We had such a genuine connection
I hope your lack of replies is not because you don’t wish to talk anymore
I hope it’s just like you said a little while ago and you’re just still unsure of how to feel
And maybe I hope a little bit that you feel like you want to try again
But if not, I just want your company again
I want to be your best friend again
I also feel strange because I feel very different from most people
I never had the same struggles and experiences that everyone had growing up and now that my sister is getting to that stage, I can see that she is, but I didn’t so it’s a me thing, not a family thing
The way I experience attraction also seems to be rather different
And I just feel like I’m different
I can’t quite place my finger on it, but I don’t feel at all like those around me
Well, I do know some of the reasons I’m different
But something else just feels off
It really bothers me to be honest, I wish I knew what it was
Kuma never minded though… he loved me no matter what
elfin rover
I didn’t write about it before bc I didn’t want to dwell on it
But yesterday I absolutely had a lovey-dovey dream with Him in in
In the moment it was wonderful
Not so ice when I woke up
I hope tonight is not the same
elfin rover
I believe myself to be a fool, holding onto things I shouldn’t
But those who make change, didn’t everyone believe they were fools too?
Many scientists were called fools for believing in things, only to be proven right, or have their ideas accepted later in time
But, at the same time, I am a realist, I know I shouldn’t hold onto such things, for only a fool does
Sure, there are “fools” who change the world, make discoveries and make their mark
But others who are put in the same category do no such thing, and instead, suffer and are in pain because of it
So what am I, truly?
elfin rover
Honestly, I try to stay positive but idrk how to feel or keep going
I by no means have a difficult life, no; I’m not going through trauma or abuse and I live a comfortable life in a good country and I’m not in a position to complain about anything
So why do I feel like this? I shouldn’t… my worries are meaningless and stupid and I should be grateful
elfin rover
I’ve heard lots of times, the phrase “right person, wrong time” and I’ve found myself hoping that this is such a case or that phrase
But there’s no way of knowing, absolutely none
Yet another reason why I’m conflicted about holding hope
But I guess that’s what hope is, in a sense, hoping that something will come true even if you’re not sure of the outcome
But I don’t want to hurt more over this
I really need to unpack these boxes…
I guess I’m going to find out how to hook up the WiiU and GameCube to the tv
I should do this all by myself, because soon I won’t have others to rely on for this sort of help 😅
The people around me will likely be just as clueless as I
elfin rover
I feel like if I hold on too hard, we won’t be able to be friends, like we’d wanted
And I do want to be friends
But I’d rather have you by my side as a partner
This is very confusing
elfin rover
Well, I found the guide for setting up the WiiU, but it seems to be missing components??
elfin rover
Today’s been hard, very hard
Perhaps the hardest it’s been in a while
But I’ve also made some new friends, been talking to new people
Still tough of course
But maybe it will be okay
elfin rover
Alright back with more thoughts today
Sometimes I can just not think about it
But as soon as I notice, then that’s all I can think about
elfin rover
Playing OoT rn
Really reminds me of you and our early days
Still remember that one time after school the principal and the physics teacher saw me sitting on your lap while you were playing t on your ds 😭😭
So mortifying
OoT was your first Zelda game
I remember being at your house when you started Skyward Sword
One of my personal favourites
Oh how I miss you now
elfin rover
I miss you Kuma
Hope we have a chance in the future
But I shouldn’t keep my hopes up
elfin rover
I don’t remember dreaming about you last night, that’s good, but like usual you are at the forefront of my thoughts
I think today should be distracting though
elfin rover
Christmastime is really sad now
All the movies, songs are about love
I remember spending Christmas with you
Your family came over to mine and we all had a nice dinner (and the day after we had our ice-skating date ❤️❤️)
And then Boxing Day I had dinner at yours, with your grandparents!
You got me my beloved squishmallow, whom I’ve renamed Pansy (or maybe that was the day you got Orchid?)
It was so lovely
And now it’s true “all I want for Christmas is you”
I can’t be crying here at my workshoppppp
elfin rover
I never want to fall in love again
Never ever
Well, I do want to get married and have a family
But
Idk, it’s confusing
This is just so much and I’m supposed to just figure it out somehow
I don’t like feelings, there’s no explaining them, they often don’t make sense
I just wish I could keep living how it was back then
Even if I wasn’t doing that well, I still miss that
I miss us and I miss just that time
Nobody could ever replace you
And it’s unfair
We still love(d)(?) each other
So why did things have to turn out this way
elfin rover
Now that it’s nearly time to leave, it’s made me think about how I felt when we’d first arrived here
I hated it so much
I wanted to go back to where we were before and I couldn’t stand it
Never had I ever imagined I’d meet someone as amazing as Kuma and have such a wonderful relationship
And now I’m leaving it all
I had to leave you, and soon I’ll leave this continent, even
I understand that it would have been really difficult to maintain a long-distance relationship in a good way because of the laaaarge distance and timezones
But I wish there were some way to make it work
I love you so fucking much Kuma
And I’m not one to swear
But I just love you and miss you so much
elfin rover
Hey Kuma
Today we went into town
That was pretty difficult ngl
Saw all of our spots
I don’t know what to do
I wish you were here to comfort me and help me find an answer
elfin rover
You were the first person that cared
You made me feel like you genuinely were curious about me and genuinely were talking to me because you wanted to know about me and enjoyed talking to me
You were the first person I told a lot of things too (just like I was to you)
You made me feel happy, excited, in times where I felt there was nothing to be happy or excited about
I hope that our parting is but a temporary thing
I want to grow so that I can be a better partner
And I really hope that partner is you
elfin rover
I ended up never going to one of your hockey games… I wish I’d had the opportunity
elfin rover
Today the question I’m asking myself is could it have been different if I hadn’t rushed things
I think we’d have still come to the same conclusion, but maybe a more definitive answer for the future
Perhaps if I hadn’t rushed things, we’d have been able to establish some sort of plan in the future
I think our decision was truly for the best but it still hurts like hell
I just wish our future were more definite
elfin rover
hmmm
today has been strange
not bad
I still miss you though, Kuma
I'm not quite sure what to do
on one hand, I really want to hold onto hope that maybe this parting is temporary and we'll be able to have a future together
on the other, I know that I shouldn't hold onto that expectation; I can have hope, but I don't know for certain that it will happen, so I can't have that expectation
elfin rover
I dreamt of you again last night…
That dream was a nice dream, a lovely dream, just like how we used to be
I didn’t like waking up from that
elfin rover
Hey Kuma, I’ve been talking to a lot of new people lately
I’ve made a couple of very nice friends
It doesn’t take away the pain that I feel from missing you, but it does add to my life^^
I haven’t told you this, but my family moved, they live closer to your parents now
I wish this could have happened when you and I were still together, would have made a lot of things much easier
I’ve also met a few people who have the same struggle as you
I remember how you said you felt so alone in dealing with it
You knew there were others, many others but didn’t have the chance to talk to someone our age who was going through the same thing as you
I do hope you’re not hurting as much as I am, but I also hope that you want to try again once uni is over maybe
elfin rover
Growing up is confusing
I realise new things and that changes the way I see things
Being an “adult” now has given me new responsibilities and it’s kinda spooky ngl
But more importantly, life doesn’t work the way I thought it did
It’s a lot more nuanced and complicated than I thought
Sometimes happily ever after isn’t as straightforward as I thought
elfin rover
Oh Kuma, I really miss you
life is a lot more complicated than I thought and I'd quite have liked having you around to navigate these times with.
I wonder how you're feeling. You're not one to share or talk about emotions, so I know whatever you're feeling you're probably trying to ignore
I want you to know that I hope that we can both grow and get better
perhaps we'll be able to better support each other or work better as a couple in the future
I keep saying I guess we'll see, but not much is happening right now so I'm kind of being impatient
but really, all I can say is I guess we'll see
at the moment, I still hope very much that we'll be able to get back together in the future, but I don't know anything about how things are going on your side
so all I can say once again is
I guess we'll see
elfin rover
Oh Kuma I miss you so so much
I thought it was supposed to get easier
And I suppose it has
But I still miss you
It’s been nearly six months…
I hope you’re doing well
You don’t tell me much about your life, and I understand that
I haven’t told you much, either
The biggest question for me though, is do you still miss me?
Do you still want to be with me?
I want to be with you
Very very much
I wish I could know how things will turn out
elfin rover
I know we made this decision together and I still agree with the reasoning… I don’t want to lose you completely because of a fight and long-distance but it doesn’t stop this from hurting so much
elfin rover
It’s strange… sometimes I’m okay, sometimes I’m not
I just want to be okay all the time
I really miss Kuma
But sometimes more than other times
elfin rover
Hey Kuma… I’m somewhat ill at the moment. Work today was excruciating and I just wanted to go home the entire time. I managed to not break down, but now I’m in bed and don’t want to get up at all
I wish you were here with me
And now it’s nearing Christmastime, somehow it rivals Valentine’s Day for a romantic time of year
I miss you so…
But I think asking for a Christmas miracle would do no good
Perhaps in the future, we can have a Christmas miracle
Maybe not
Who knows
elfin rover
I remember once you were ill right before the holidays. It was the last day before Easter break and I was so excited to see you but then you were ill. It was a half day so not much was done and the only class we actually had was French (which, I mean, we just watched a movie) so I was in the back, sitting next to a girl from our class and I managed to be able to be on my laptop the entire time. I was playing the 2048 cupcake game but also talking to you. You’d gotten up at this point and were playing through ocarina of time. I remember avidly helping you because you kept getting stuck XD and then at one point, our classmate wanted to try the game I was playing so I let her but then she realised I was also talking to you so she didn’t ask for it back 😅
That Easter holiday was pretty special
We had our first kiss (both our first kiss as a couple, but it was also both you and my first kiss ever as well)
And then while you were at that conference with your dad a week later, you got sick (and so did I XD, what a funny coincidence) but then I remember you had a diabetes scare (they suspected type 2 diabetes and you asked me if I’d still love you - of course I said yes - but it turned out you just weren’t accustomed to the diet of where you were) and I had a cold and couldn’t talk, so when we called it was mostly listening to you and me typing most of my responses… I did try to talk but you couldn’t hear anything XD
It was also at that conference where one fateful night, we were having our typical nighttime chat, and it got really serious all of a sudden and then I learned about one of your deepest, darkest secrets, something you were so ashamed of… and I remember feeling nothing but compassion and love for you. Sure, it was a bit unexpected, I didn’t think that would be something that would happen, much less that you would be going through that, but I just felt unconditional love for you in that moment.
From there on, we worked together to try and help you
I miss even those days, where everything felt slightly hopeless and like I was lying to you when I said “everything will be okay” because I know that everything would be okay and we had each other
Perhaps fate needs to separate us momentarily, but I truly do hope that it can help us find each other again.
Even at the end, we loved each other and really, it was unfair that this had to happen
elfin rover
I’m getting used to this, I think
But I still really miss you, it’s just different than it was before
And I still try to not think about it too much
Idk I feel strange about it
Don’t quite know what to think
I should actually listen to what I say to myself, there’s nothing I can do about this in the moment and I did try
So for now, I should focus on myself and making myself who I want to be
And if you are meant to be a part of my life in the future, then we’ll surely find a way back together
But I won’t be happy if I’m not who I want to be
And ig “finding a way back together” might not mean that everything falls into place and boom it happens (maybe it does) but it might not be like that either
Once again I must say I have to wait and see
I have no idea what’s going to happen in the coming years
I can’t plan that far ahead, especially with something so unsure
elfin rover
I’m not sure what to feel
elfin rover
I hope one day I can call you Boo again
It’s really silly, I know
I’m realising more and more that long-distance probably wouldn’t have worked out for us
And I’m glad we won’t go through that pain
Because you’re right, we probably wouldn’t have made it through that and we would have gone out of that not even friends
Even though I wanted to hope that we could make it, we very likely wouldn’t have, and I guess I knew that then too
I’ve accepted the way things are now
I just hope that they can be different in the future
I guess we’ll see
I don’t want to think about the alternative at the moment, but I shouldn’t focus on my desired outcome either
So I suppose all I can hope for is that whatever is best for me will happen
elfin rover
Perhaps I should just buck it up and stop hoping in senseless things
I’m not sure if this is the pessimist in me speaking and I’m just being affected by it and the dream I had last night
Because I did have a rather discouraging dream last night, I didn’t like it at all
Or if this is me realising the truth
Ahh I hate this
elfin rover
I thought this intense bout of emotions would pass once my period was over, but I suppose it hasn’t
It’s only slightly decreased in intensity
elfin rover
Hmm still not quite sure what to do
I guess I just have to do things that will distract me a lot for the next while
Games worked quite well
And my short-lived music project
Well, not short-lived… it was just a shorter project; a simple transcription so I could have the sheet music and scribble all over it XD
I need to finish sewing those deer plushies for the Christmas market…
Since I got ill, I didn’t get as much as I wanted to get done this week
Still need to finish learning the piano accompaniment for the song on Sunday
But today I managed to finally trim and style my bangs again
It’s been ages since I did that so it was kinda funny at first, but I really do like this look
elfin rover
42 more days
42 more days and then I can have a proper life again
Back in June or May, had you asked me I’d have said I’d be dreading that day
But now I just want that day to come
I look forward to a change of pace
elfin rover
The more I think about it and think back on it, the more I think he’ll never want to be with me again
Now, I know that is likely the pessimist in me speaking; he’s already said he’d be willing to try again if we wanted to, and he seemed pretty sad about the decision we made too, it wasn’t just me
And he’s said that he understands that I haven’t been doing well and hadn’t for a while
Oh well, I suppose no use in thinking and worrying about that now
elfin rover
While I cannot know for certain whether or not this is my pessimistic side speaking at the moment, I do know it’s useless to worry about it now
elfin rover
This may sound silly but I’m going to say it anyways
I hope one day you can be my “boo” again. My silly Kuma, my love
I hope one day I can be your “boo-boo” again, what I’d give to hear you call me babes or boo-boo again
It’s sad how life has made it so hard for us
What we did was truly for the best
But it still hurts and I still long for you
elfin rover
Today I’m feeling better
I’ve known this all along, but really it wouldn’t have been possible
I just wish we’d have been able to move here earlier
It’s not that far away from where your parents live….
elfin rover
I’ve been doing okay
Not too bad
But I’m still feeling a little off
Still hope for something in the future
elfin rover
Sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back
And then at other times, it just feels all over the place
I’m counting down the days ‘till the 31st of December
Perhaps by then and when the semester starts, everything will be easier to handle
elfin rover
くま、会いたいです
大好き
おやすみ
I remember, when we first started talking, I’d make sure to not be the last to text, because then our chat would be the only one without that ugly blue checkmark that all my other chats did
And it was also different, I finally felt like someone cared and wouldn’t just leave me on read or not attempt to keep conversation going
I was also really excited to have a friend who seemed like they genshin cared about me
We had a lot in common and you were talking to me because you were genuinely interested and cared
Not because I had texted first, or because I had questions
I miss you, Kuma, I really do
elfin rover
I saw your brother walking home on my way home from work
It was kinda funny
We saw each other and waved
I hate that I have to drive by your street on my way to and from work
Today I am of the opinion that I never want to fall in love again
It was lovely, blissful…
But I don’t feel like going through that again
My opinion changes often, but that’s how I feel today
Miss you, Kuma
So, SO much, more than you can imagine
I wonder how you feel
Genuinely
elfin rover
I miss you Kuma
So so very much
Will things ever be the same?
As in, will I ever be genuinely happy without having to spend my days distracting myself and immersing myself in fiction?
And… will I ever be able to feel your love again?
elfin rover
Hey Kuma
I still miss you, very much
I didn’t tell you I saw your brother yesterday, I’m not quite sure why
I wonder what will become of this in the future… who knows
Will love triumph and we find our way back to each other against all odds?
Will we find other people and go in completely different directions instead?
Or is it completely different, something I can’t even imagine?
I wish I knew
elfin rover
Last night I had a dream where we got together again
It was nice, but after waking up, it didn’t feel as nice
I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps it is not stupid or bad to hold onto hope, but not let that become the expectation, and let the hope prevent me from doing things
So of course, I don’t know how things will turn out, but I think it’s not bad to have a little hope while still letting myself grow and experience new things
Perhaps through that I’ll no longer need to have that hope, but I think that it’s okay to have that hope, as long as I don’t focus on it too much
I hope that come the new semester I’ll be plenty distracted
My sister has been insisting on setting up Christmas decorations for a few weeks now and parents finally caved
I want to join in, I really do, but why is Christmastime so focused on love and falling in love and Christmas romance? Most of the songs are about falling in love or spending it with the one you love
I don’t want to be Scrooge or the Grinch, but I’m finding it rather difficult to get into the Christmas spirit
It was the day after Christmas that I met his grandparents
Two of my most beloved plushies were Christmas gifts from you as well as “To the Moon”
elfin rover
I felt a little down this morning upon waking up
But then as the day went on, I felt fine
But now I don’t feel so fine anymore
Tu me manques mon amour… je veux bien ressentir ton amour encore une fois… je pensais que ce serait pour toujours, j’ai vraiment cru que je t’aurais pour toujours…
Tu me manques tellement
J’espère que on aura la chance d’essayer encore une fois, ce n’est pas juste qu’on doit partir
Je comprends que ça aurait été difficile ces prochaines années, impossible, même. Donc je dois avoir l’espoir que si on est « meant to be » alors on se retrouvera
Texting in french is difficult haha
I find it hard to text my french friends sometimes, I’d best practice lots and lots
I don’t know much slang or the texting shorthands tho
elfin rover
What if you’re feeling the same way
I always turn to the worst
But what if you’re feeling the same way
elfin rover
Human relationships are complicated
You’ve finally shown interest in what’s going on in my life after months of simple exchanges of what’s going on in genshin or star rail
I don’t know whether to be angry or excited or hopeful or hopeless
I don’t know what to feel and I don’t know what to think of your sudden reaching out to slightly more personal conversations rather than the rather impersonal conversations we’ve had as of late
Have you already moved on completely and are maybe even already seeing someone else?
Are you trying to put on a front and appear as though you’re fine?
Am I completely off the mark and it’s nothing like that?
I have no idea about anything anymore
Idk what to do
Or think
Or anything
elfin rover
Hah, it’s been a whole day and I still don’t know
I don’t know anything about anything
elfin rover
Can’t sleep
It’s one in the morning
I don’t have work tmr, but I have to work on finishing my deer plushies
I miss you…
I hear you’re doing well and getting along well with people from uni, that’s good
Kuma, I miss you so much
I wonder, will you ever look back and think you made a mistake in dating me?
You said I made you happy
And you made me happy
I wasn’t always great at showing it…
And long-distance would have been impossible
At least with how the way things were
Please, I hope that this is just temporary
Please, please, please, let this just be temporary
Hell, I need to sleep
Being up late at night isn’t good, nighttime blues are always the worst
elfin rover
Went by school today to pick sisters up again
Bumped into one of our friends
Talked to him, it was nice
He and our other friend who are dating are still going strong
I miss you Kuma
Today something else happened while was out and I really wish I could have you to comfort me about it
I’m sure you’d try to comfort me if I told you, but I don’t want to tell you because it would be different
But oh how I wish I had you by my side to comfort me about it
elfin rover
Was talking to yet another friend today
She says you seem to be doing just fine
I know you hide your feelings, though, so I suppose that doesn’t truly mean anything
elfin rover
I just can’t wait for next semester
I’ll have a life, and subsequently distractions all day
Right now this just feels so suffocating because I don’t have anything
elfin rover
We were like a fairytale, or one of those romance webtoons I used to read
But I suppose that’s all it was; a silly little story
A small chapter in my life that is now over
I’m tired of feeling like this
Yet I don’t want to let go either
I don’t want to completely let go because it isn’t absolutely hopeless
Improbable, maybe
Or really, I don’t even know that
I don’t know anything about it
I don’t know the actual probabilities of anything
I’m not a fortune-teller
But I do know that right now I’m hurting
And I have no idea how you are
But maybe that’s just because I’m afraid to ask
elfin rover
I miss you still
elfin rover
I wonder how you feel
elfin rover
And I still don’t know what to do or think at all
Today I was rather busy most of the day
But I always have to drive by your street going to and coming home from work
It hurts to remember all the good memories we had there
No, I can’t get trapped in this right now
No, I need to sleep and keep going
elfin rover
Just finished watching all of the Fullmetal Alchamist movies
They left out quite a bit and I think mixed up some of the plot lines
But it was fun to revisit a story I really enjoyed
Now I still feel sad
I remember we tried everything to be able to watch fullmetal alchemist brotherhood together
We never did get the chance
Hopefully we will someday
Idk
Idk what’s going to happen
elfin rover
I just hope I don’t have to watch you fall for someone else
Please, life, if anything just that one thing
That would break me more than anything
Not while I still love you, while I still have hope
elfin rover
I’m probably not supposed to be up this late…
But I just finished some major stitching for my project
Ahhh
That took so long but I wanted to get it done
I’ve now watched almost the entirety of “The School Nurse Files”
I’m thoroughly confused by it but oh well
Something to keep me occupied
I miss you, Kuma
I wonder what’s going on with you
I’m too scared to ask
You’ve asked about me, but I’m afraid of answering and then getting close again and then having to watch you fall in love with someone else, that would be the worst
I want to be held by you again
I miss you so, so, very much
elfin rover
I told you many times that I’m not liking growing up, but each time you reassured me and told me you’d always be there for me, so I didn’t have to worry
Perhaps with time you’ll be there for me as a friend
Perhaps something more again
But in any case I hope we can still be there for each other
I miss you a lot right now and that makes it hard
I want to be able to not have this at the forefront of my mind ahah
elfin rover
I think a small part of me blamed myself for every relapse. I obviously couldn’t do much more, I couldn’t be with you 24/7 and relapse is part of recovery, but I think I still blamed myself sometimes
And I felt so helpless knowing there was nothing I could do to take away your pain ms guilt and self-hatred
I wanted to be angry, and I suppose I had every right to be, but I couldn’t be angry, instead I felt concerned and I just wanted to help you
No, I don’t think I wanted to be angry
It was all just so much and very new to me
elfin rover
I still miss you Kuma
I wish I knew how to say "I miss you" in Japanese
I should ask Sakura
but anyways
miss you so much
don't want to think about it
it just hurts so badly
and I have no idea how you feel about the whole ordeal
you said you didn't know a while ago when I kinda asked
this is my life now, I suppose
elfin rover
Sometimes I wonder if I’m just being too pessimistic and ask myself if you’re not feeling the same way
elfin rover
I am conflicted
I don’t know what to feel or how to think about this
There’s just so much to take into consideration and think about and just
I don’t know
I don’t know
elfin rover
I’m just a young adult
Why is this so difficult
I wish to give up
I’m Eda
Not many things to do
Worried ‘bout something new
Each and every single day
I’m Eda
My world is turning
Changing each day
With Meimei and Chaucer
I’m losing my way
Growing up is rather tough
And I think I’ve had enough
Just so much stuff
I’m Eda
Eda
Eda
I’m Eda
That’s me!
(Props to you if you recognise what this is a parody of, but also that means you’ve also been subject to the torture of Caillou)
Fun little 1 am creativity
I’m not truly feeling this desperate and terrible atm, but the idea came to me
I wish I spoke enough Japanese to write a nice haiku
elfin rover
Why do you answer now Kuma? And suddenly so interested and wanting to actually talk about stuff too
What does this mean
I should be fast asleep
Kskdjddjdjdjdk
elfin rover
Had another dream of getting back together with you
It was really nice
But absolutely not what I needed
elfin rover
Today’s been off to a rough start
Dreamt of you
Been thinking about you
Now I’m watching “Move to Heaven” and it’s making me think of you
I miss you
elfin rover
I just want to give up on everything
I’m so close, I’ve almost made it
But it’s just so overwhelming
I don’t know how things will turn out and that kind of stresses me out
I don’t know why, not like I can do anything about it
24 more days
24 more days ‘till I check in for my flight
Can I make it that long?
I might have to see him over the holidays as well
I don’t know how to feel about that
I just kinda want to say screw everything
Life and everything
I wish therapy had worked out, maybe I’d have had someone to talk to about all this
But my stupid documents
elfin rover
Can I make it that long?
I think I can
elfin rover
Kuma
Why
Why did you have to come into my life
You were the best thing that happened to me
And you said I was too
So why did we have to choose this?
It’s not fair
I can’t do this anymore
I can’t, I can’t, I can’t
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow
Or ever
elfin rover
Why are you interested now?
Why do you care about my life now?
I’m just afraid of getting super close again…
I don’t want to do that only to watch you fall in love with someone else
elfin rover
You just keep saying more and more
I don’t know what to think
Kuma, I really want to talk to you, but is that really for the best?
I don’t want to give myself false hope
Or get close again only to watch you fall in love with someone else
Oh my gosh it’s nearly five in the morning
I need to finish these stupid Christmas trees
I wish you were here
No, no I don’t
I only wish that if things were like before
But you said “I miss you”
elfin rover
Ha, it’s six in the morning now
Hopefully I don’t have to get up anytime soon
I have a pounding headache and a very conflicted heart
Tomorrow (or, rather, when I wake up) I will treat myself to some video games
Perhaps I’ll play some genshin and star rail or maybe more story of seasons
Whatever it is, I’ve wholeheartedly earned it
I’m still trying to figure out how I’m feeling and what to do about Kuma
But I suppose it’s okay to take my time and do things in my way
elfin rover
I’m still rather confused at what to feel
I want to answer, really, I do
But I also don’t want to watch you fall for someone else…
elfin rover
So much is going to change soon and I wish you were here with me
As my partner
I hope I figure out what to do
elfin rover
I think I was a little too focused on us being “perfect”
I just want to be okay already
elfin rover
Kuma, I really miss you
I miss you but I’m also kind of upset at you?
I also am just confused
And I’m also having a hard time
I don’t really know what to do, Kuma
elfin rover
I miss you so much
You’re coming back for the holidays but I don’t know if I want to see you
But I miss you so freaking much
Maybe I should tell you that
But it’s not like you would do the same
I mean, you did last week
But part of me wonders if that was a fluke
Maybe you were drunk, or tired out of your mind (or both)
I don’t want it to be any of those
But let’s be honest, it’s likely it’s one of those
Why
You’re going to be here in two hours
Should I tell you we moved?
And now we live closer?
I can’t decide whether I want to see you or not
Once again, I’m not usually one to swear but all I can think of rn is fuck whyyyyyy
I’m as confused as ever and it doesn’t look like it’ll get any clearer or easier
elfin rover
Now we could have had our little nighttime chats
With you coming back to this timezone, you surely would stay up later
elfin rover
Well
I must say
I’m not sure what to feel about the question you have sprung on me tonight
elfin rover
I’m feeling more than alright abt it, actually
He answered and it was a pretty positive answer
elfin rover
Okay I’m supposed to be sleeping
But like
One: he’s talking to me like he said he would
And two: I’m still feeling a little happy from earlier
elfin rover
The more time we spend apart, the more I realise how much he loved me
I hope that one day we can be together again
I’ll try my best not to make that something I constantly focus on
But I do hope for that
elfin rover
Right now I kind of miss you
But not in a way that makes me want to cry
But in a way that I can’t really explain
I long for you so much
I wish you were here and we could just cuddle up, like we used to
It was around this time last year, if I’m not mistaken, perhaps a little later, that we had some really meaningful conversations
I wonder what your expectations of how things should be atm are
elfin rover
I hate that my life is so boring a dull right now that I keep thinking about you
Everything circles back to you
And of course, in my state, I might think “oh, perhaps that’s because it’s fate?” But how could I really know?
How could I really know until it’s too late?
I’ve gone back to thinking about it in a pretty negative way, I think
Well, idk if a negative way is how I’d word it
I just can’t seem to keep one way of thinking about it
When I think I’ve made up my mind, everything seems to change again
Star Wars… that still makes me think of you very much
I want to watch those movies, cuddled up with you again
But at the same time I somewhat wish I’d let go of such fantasises
Life would be so much easier then, wouldn’t it?
I want to do that Star Wara marathon you always talked about
Even finish watching Clone Wars
Even though I’ve seen all the movies with you already
I want to go by the toy store and hear you enthusiastically talk about the nerd guns, even if I don’t quite understand, because I like to see you talking about things that make you happy
I also want you to hold me and tell me everything will be alright because we will always have each other
elfin rover
There’s something going on in the show I’m currently watching
In a strange way I almost wish it’s what happened to us
But that’s terrible
Never ever
And it’s also somewhat familiar
Those hard conversations
You tried to cover up the actual truth by pretending it was what happened in the show
But I remember being there for you for that hard conversation with your mom
I wish I’d been there for when you had that conversation with your dad
elfin rover
And I’m back
I’ve been rather confused today frankly
I don’t know what to feel, as always
It’s all so confusing
elfin rover
I’m fighting with my parents again…
I wish you were here
I miss you, Kuma
Why are you answering again now?
A few minutes after I said that…
Even my leaving isn’t going according to my plan
Nothing this year has gone how it was supposed to
Now I’m likely going to have to change flights
We’ve had this planned for over a month now… I can’t believe it’s changed again
I miss you Kuma
I wonder if we’ll have a happy ending…
I don’t want to wait another 7 months to find out what happens next
I just want to know what happens at the end of this all
If only I knew how this would end up, it wouldn’t be as painful
I miss you Kuma, so so much
Recently I’ve been wondering if I should just let go
I don’t want to, never
But