elfin rover
My humble little journal^^ Mostly me figuring out life and how to adult, it’s been a lot tougher than I expected! Big thoughts and hopefully I’ll find some answers~~
TW: Occasional talk of self-harm, suicide and depression. Previous talk of eating habits and self-image.
New edit: follow along if you want info dumps about biology - sincerely, your local nursing student
This week’s prompt is “If I could have any dream I wanted tonight, what would it be about?”
I’m quite torn about this, to be honest; there’s a dream I’d like to have, but it might hurt more than be good
I’d like to dream about the future I‘ll likely never have with my ex. Meeting again in the future, after I’ve finished my degree, getting back together and getting married and having a family.
These are all things I want so badly, but I have no idea if that’s what life has in store for me…
Would it do any good to think about a hypothetical future?
I have no idea…
I want to allow myself to think of the possibility, but don’t want to grow too attached to the idea
After all, I don’t know what will happen… I don’t want that to cause more harm
elfin rover
I don’t know what’s going to happen
I don’t know and that scares me
I don’t have any control over it, and that’s so overwhelming to me
I know I should focus instead on what I can control
But I can’t, it’s impossible
I want to think that it is possible, I want to have some hope
But I also don’t want to feel the pain of watching him fall in love with someone else
I don’t know what to do
And I’m sick and tired of not being able to do anything about it
Just focus on yourself for heaven’s sake
I want to believe it could happen…
Gosh why does everything have to remind me of him and our time together
I wish I didn’t feel this way
I wish it didn’t hurt this much
elfin rover
I don’t like waking up
Dreams feel safe, sometimes a momentary escape from the pain
But it all comes crashing back once I wake up
It’s so unfair
We had plans… we thought we’d be together forever
I want to let myself imagine it, but at the same time I don’t know if it’s a good idea
It would be beautiful, wonderful
But… I can’t know what’s going to happen
I can’t grow too attached to the idea
elfin rover
Oh my gosh I miss him so much it hurts
He told me he misses me too
If this is what life is like, I want no part in it
If it’s just an endless cycle of suffering, loosing the things you love…
This isn’t what I want
I just want everything to be alright again
I want him by my side
elfin rover
To my future self:
I hope things are going well. Right now things are really difficult, and it seems like it’s never going to end. But I have to keep pressing on. Please tell me, was it worth it? How is life now? I won’t ask about him, because although it feels like it’s all that matters right now, I know it probably isn’t. Perhaps we will find our way back together, but I shouldn’t count on it. I have no way of knowing whether or not that will happen. So, I should focus on myself right now. And I know I keep saying that, but I really do need to focus on being the person that I want to be. The people in my life may change, but I’ll always be there… I do hope that we find our ways back together, but I have no way of knowing what will happen, and it’s over right now, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over. Yeah, it hurts, but I can get through it, right? Future self, am I the things I strive to be? Am I compassionate, loving, caring? How are studies going? I hope you’re doing well, future me…
elfin rover
I need to keep moving on for myself
Get better for myself
If he so happens to be part of my life again in the future, then great
But that is not something I can count on
Keep moving on for myself
elfin rover
I feel so mean being jealous of happy couples
Yes, I used to have that
But I don’t have to be bitter that other people have it too
I’m just happy we didn’t break up because of a fight
Perhaps we do have a chance in the future
But for now I must focus on myself and my own personal growth
Ahhhh
elfin rover
Today I’ve been thinking a lot
Sure, I wish I could go back to those times, even if I was still pretty sad then too, and I wish I could stay there forever
But then I wouldn’t be able to change and grow
And it’s really hard to admit it, but it’s also important to change and grow
Maybe as we change and grow separately, we’ll grow in completely different directions, but I hope we can grow back together again one day
But if we don’t - I guess that’s okay too
It doesn’t feel okay right now, but it is okay
elfin rover
We had good times, it’s true
But now it’s time to say goodbye
Perhaps we’ll meet again with time
But for now, I need to let go
I hope that you can find happiness
And not end up like me, a mess
Perhaps we’ll meet again
So for now I’ll say “au revoir”
It’s harder than I thought it would be to do this…
I want to just be able to move on and just live life, but I can’t
I hate not knowing what’s going to happen
But I don’t know what’s going to happen
Asdfghjkl
I just want to skip time
Please fast forward lol, I don’t want to experience all this
I just want to cease to exist
This is too much
Why should this have to happen to me
It’s not fair
elfin rover
I don't know how to get through this
elfin rover
Today I just can’t
I thought I was fine and things were finally getting easier yesterday, just maybe
But no
I can’t freaking get him or our time together out of my head
Our memories just keep playing and replaying and replaying in my head
And I long for him
I don’t know how to keep on going
Nobody could ever fill this hole in my heart, ever
I don’t know what to do
I just want this to end
elfin rover
It’s so ironic that something that uses to bring me such true, pure, lovely joy is now bribing me such deep, never-ending anguish
Just makes me feel like love isn’t all it’s chalked up to be
Yes, it was lovely, blissful
But now that it’s over, it just hurts
It hurts and never will stop hurting
elfin rover
Today, I think I feel worse than ever
Can’t sleep, have bad cramps
My thoughts just are an absolute… mess
Just everything is so crap right now, I don’t know what to do but I’m too weak to end it all
I don’t see a way forward and I frankly don’t have the energy to keep looking or muster the strength to keep running any longer, this race is too long and I’ve just run out of energy
And there’s just so much stuff that’s hard and I just don’t know what to do or anything and I just want it all to end
elfin rover
I used to think “oh that could never be me” or “what a nice story, no way anyone loves each other that much in real life…”
But then I got it
And it was the best thing to ever happen
It was as if out of a book
He wasn’t by any means perfect… but in my eyes, he was very nearly
The love I felt for him and that I felt from him was just out of this world, there can truly never be anything like it
Things just kept getting better and better and better and better
Even when he told me about his struggles, we only grew closer
I longed for the day that we could get married and have our own family
I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with him
I felt safe, loved, cared for
I felt wanted, and like I mattered to someone
And I just loved him with everything I had
But now
Now it’s all replaced with hurt
Immense, never-ending hurt
How could this happen to me?
It’s not fair
elfin rover
I understand that this is how life goes… but it sure hurts like hell
I just want this feeling to go away
At the beginning, I kept thinking to myself “this is too good to be true, I’m really lucky to have him in my life” but as time went on, I realised no, this is my life now, I really do have him in my life and he’s not going away
But now I know… it was too good to be true
I don’t know what the future has in store for me… but it better be good
It was just a dream, now wake the heck up
elfin rover
I can’t take it anymore
I am sick of tired of living at home, it seems like I’ll never be able to leave
At least before I had him to turn to in dark times… but not anymore
I’m truly and completely alone, and it seems like I’ll never leave
elfin rover
I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to just forget all of our moments together
How am I supposed to let go of all of this love that I feel?
I don’t want to let go of the best moments I’ve ever had
elfin rover
I feel so pathetic for being this hung up over a relationship… I really, really loved him, but I should be able to get over him, right?
Why does it hurt so much?
Why do I still dream of him?
Why did he have to be so important to me that it’s this hard to get over him?
I just don’t understand any of it…
I just want his love again
I just want him to hold me tightly and tell me everything will be alright and we’ll get through this
But it’s not something we can get through
No, we’ve parted ways and there’s nothing I can do about it…
elfin rover
I’m still hurting, I don’t know what to do
I just want to fast forward to a time where this doesn’t hurt
Or when this isn’t something I have to worry about at all…
After all, this is only going to happen over and over until whoever I’m seeing and I decide to settle down
I don’t want to experience this over and over and over and over again
I just wish I could know what is meant to happen so that it wouldn’t hurt so much
Whether that be “you’ll find someone just as great” or “you’ll end up back together” or whatever the case be
I just want to skip to that
This heartbreak has been the worst thing I’ve experienced thus far
Everything pales in comparison to this, I mean, even the difficult things that have happened in the last two years were nothing in comparison to this
elfin rover
I know that what’s meant to be will find a way to happen… but I don’t want to have to experience all the experiences before it happens
I don’t want to have to suffer every time I think of our memories
I don’t want to have to work through that, I’m already going through enough, not grief and heartbreak too
I just don’t have enough energy for it all… I wish I could just skip forward through time
I want to trust in life’s journey for me… but it’s incredibly difficult
Today the thoughts that are eating at me are my memories at school… how he’d stay late waiting with me… how we’d watch anime in the common room while waiting… our picnic bench we’d sit at for lunch
The times he comforted me when I couldn’t take it anymore, even when he was struggling too…
He really cared about me, and I really cared about him
Even though those times were hard, I’d give anything to go back and feel his love
elfin rover
I just… don’t know if this will ever end
Ot doesn’t feel like it
There’s just too much to say, I can’t even say it all
I just want it all to be over
I don’t have the energy, the will to keep pushing through
It just feels like I have too much life ahead of me
And I’m not even at an age where this can be considered a mid-life crisis… how could it possibly get better
I don’t want this
Before we got together, we were best friends, and throughout our relationship as well… so I haven’t only lost a partner, but my best friend as well
We want to work towards being friends again, but that will take quite a bit of time…
I genuinely don’t know how to keep going, it’s so incredibly difficult…
How can people go through this time and time again
elfin rover
I can't do it anymore
elfin rover
I feel like today’s prompt has already been done maybe but I’ll have my go at it anyways
The prompt is: “If I could have any dream I wanted tonight, what would it be about?”
I’m not sure tbh, my first instinct is to say dream about a future with my ex, but that’s not helpful and will just hurt in the long run. I do hope we have a chance in the future, but I shouldn’t think about it, that’s not helpful at all
And then the next thing my mind goes to is having a dream about my future, kind of like a “see the future” type situation… I really want to know what happens, I don’t want to wait for it to happen, I want to just know already
But that would probably also not be very helpful, I’m not sure
So, I just want to have a dream about something fantastical, not related to my life in any way, a dream about a fantasy adventure or something, anything that can’t exist in real life
elfin rover
I miss you every day, kuma…
You had such a profound and positive impact on my life, I just want to have you back
You made me feel so loved and important
Oh, what I’d give to still have you with me
I know you didn’t want this to happen either, and that it’s “for the best” that we decided
But I just want you back
Please, please please please universe… please help us find a way back together
elfin rover
Kuma… you’re such a great person, thank you for being there for me and always supporting me. I hope that we can continue on as friends, and maybe more again someday, but if that makes it impossible to keep a connection with you, then I’ll let that go
elfin rover
Did you say that maybe we could try again in the future just to make me feel better? Or did you mean it? I want to ask you that, but it’s probably best if I don’t
elfin rover
I really miss you, Kuma, I thought we’d be together forever and ever
I really can’t stop thinking about you
elfin rover
Why did it have to turn out this way?
I keep telling myself that I just need to keep going and what’s meant to happen will happen, and I should just focus on myself
But it’s so much harder than that
It was fine before because I didn’t have anyone, I didn’t want something, someone specific but now I do
elfin rover
Today I have mixed feelings
One could even say I don’t know how to feel
I know I shouldn’t hang onto the hope of getting back together in the future, it’s stupid, childish even
But I still can’t help but think of the possibility
Why is this the course the universe has laid out for me?
Life is just so uncertain, I don’t like it
It seems far too long to be honest
Too much time for too much stuff to happen
elfin rover
It’s all my fault, isn’t it? It’s my fault for not being a good girlfriend, for being an overall crappy person, and not seeing you were doing your best…
I’m sorry Kuma… I’m sorry for not being good enough
elfin rover
I do well until I feel lonely
When I feel lonely is when I think of him
And think about how he helped me when I felt lonely
He really was such a light in dark times
I know that he’s also having a hard time
But it’s just so hard because I don’t know how things will turn out
elfin rover
I think I’m slowly coming to terms with it… but I can’t help but still imagine a future with you in it
I know that if it’s meant to happen it will, but right now there’s nothing that I want more than for that to happen
It just makes me a little bit sad… I might hope and hope and hope for nothing to happen, for you to fall in love with someone else or something of the sort
I don’t know what’s going to happen and I think that’s the most stressful part
elfin rover
I hope we have a second chance
It would make me the happiest woman alive to be able to marry you, Kuma
elfin rover
Today I went by the spot where we became a couple… it made me so sad
It’s also close to some special places for you and I
The only parking spot available was near the spot where I walked you after the first time we spoke
All of these memories come flooding back
I’m sorry things got kind of bad…
I wish things could have turned out differently
I hope they will
I want to make you happy again
elfin rover
Today hasn’t gotten any easier… in fact it seems like it just gets harder and harder
It’s been nearly three months and the pain is just as bad as it was on that first day, I’ve just gotten better at hiding it
I don’t understand why, this isn’t fair and I just don’t know what to do…
Gosh I just wish I could stop hurting, I just straight up don’t know what to do about life
Everything freaking reminds me of him, and makes me miss him even more
I don’t know how to move on, but my problems feel so trivial and silly and meaningless compared to other people I know
Why can’t I just pick myself back up and keep going?
elfin rover
I don’t like love… I don’t want to fall in love ever again
It’s a lovely feeling, but is it worth all the pain if it doesn’t work out?
No, it absolutely does not feel like it
If anything were going to work out, it was us
But if even we couldn’t… there’s no point
elfin rover
It’s just not fair
We both found something in each other that we really loved and one of the only reasons it didn’t work out was because of the distance we’re going to have to be at for a couple of years
We both really wanted a future together, it’s not fair
Sure, I’d rather break up amicably now than over a fight with him because we were having difficulties communicating long-distance, but still
elfin rover
I just don’t know what to do anymore
Woo-hoo……
Life sucks, but I don’t feel like I’m in a position to complain
So many people are going through things much harder than I and here I am complaining about nothing
elfin rover
I think I figured it out
I think I’m overly perfectionist and my two times in my mind are “now” and “not now” and “not now” may as well be never
So anything that I can’t get done “now” seems like it’ll never get done because it’ll be finished “not now”
And on top of that, I want those things that I get done “now” to be perfect and it has to be perfect “now” because otherwise it’ll never be done
I think I have a hard time believing in my long-term goals and it’s even harder when I want something really badly
So, while sure, I want to own a house one day, there’s not much I can do about that now and it’s not something I have any preferences for, I don’t have these things that I want about a house
But I really want a cat, and a specific type of cat and I just can’t wait to have it, but I can’t have that right now for many reasons
And my degree… I can’t get that now, obviously, my semester hasn’t even started
But I already feel pressured to do it all perfectly and I just want to get it all done in one go (even though that’s impossible) because it’s hard to see that I do it little by little
I need to be more in the present moment and focus on things that I can do right now and see that my efforts don’t just disappear and I have to keep working towards some things
Just like I can’t expect to always finish my drawings in one sitting. Sure, maybe I do that most of the time, but it’s not realistic to expect to do that all of the time! I DONT HAVE TO FINISH EVERYTHING AT ONCE, it’s impossible to finish everything in one go, that’s literally life
elfin rover
I don’t know what to think about anything anymore
elfin rover
Everything is just so confusing and idk how to move on
On top of that, I’m not in a place where I can do much “moving on” I’m stuck in this place where I have all these memories, where a whole chapter of my life happened (for better or worse) but everyone around me is moving onto the next chapter of their life
But I can’t, I’m stuck here and I hate it
All I can think about is how much better things were then even if in some ways it really wasn’t better at all
It wasn’t better, but I had people who cared about me
I was comfortable
I was happy and in love
Idk what to do
elfin rover
Why does my mind always wonder back to this?
I still can’t help but think “Oh, we don’t deserve this, we should get back together”
Why won’t these thoughts leave me? I don’t want to ruin our relationship now
I do want to keep fighting for us, but I don’t want to ruin my chance at having a friendship with him now
Is this really what you want, Kuma?
This sure as hell isn’t what I want
Please come back
elfin rover
Does true love even exist? We were the epitome of true love, if we didn’t work out, how will anything else work out?
elfin rover
What the heck
Why did things have to turn out like this
It’s just not fair
It’s not fair
elfin rover
Liar, liar, liar, liar, you said you’d always be there for me
But where are you now?
You get to move on and have a new life
But I’m stuck here
Constantly being reminded of our love
Constantly being reminded of how much you meant to me
Constantly having to re-live some of my best memories, that now only bring me pain
Pain pain pain pain pain
That’s all you bring me right now
I just want things to go back to how they used to be
I want to have your company
I want to be able to even just have a conversation
Why did it have to happen like this?
How did you think this would be a good idea
I’m just so sick and tired of everything
There’s no point
There’s no point
All of that work and that patience and that love
All for nothing
Nothing
I just can’t anymore
I can’t
elfin rover
Love is stupid and I hate life
I guess I’m just afraid that I’ve lost someone else from my life entirely
I’ve had lots of failed friendships, but this one really meant a lot to me and we didn’t really have any reason to not continue being friends
elfin rover
I am so very desperately confused
I want to let go and move on and just live my life
But I also want to entertain the thought of a future with him
I just don’t know what to do
I think it’s possible, so why shouldn’t I hold onto the possibility
Oh right, because I could get very hurt
I just don’t know what to do about the whole situation
elfin rover
What happened to “I’ll always be there for you”?
I don’t understand you
Everything is a mess for me but you get to move on
Yes, you get to start your new life, enjoy yourself and whatever
But I’m stuck here
Without you or anyone else
elfin rover
I’m tired of living like this
Just keeping myself distracted all day
I want to be able to move on, see what the future has in store
But I’m stuck here both metaphorically and physically
elfin rover
I dreamt of you again… today it was a nice dream… but I think that’s only made me sad
How I long to be in your arms, feel your comfort
I hope that can happen one day
But I mustn’t become too attached to the idea, it’s rather unlikely
elfin rover
I feel weird
I want to keep on going, believing that maybe my hopes ad dreams will happen while also being able to see the other possibilities
But I don’t feel like that can happen right now
How am I to build myself another life as things are right now?
elfin rover
Today I was reminded of you
We went out and it reminded me of your cologne
Gosh I miss you so much I can’t handle it
Why?
Why did this have to happen?
I don’t understand and it’s just so painful
I just want to feel your comfort and be yours again
There is nobody in the whole wide world I’d rather spend the rest of my life with
So why did this have to happen?
I don’t ever want to fall in love ever again
I don’t want anybody else
elfin rover
I keep dreaming of you
I don’t like it
Now I avoid sleep
I dread the moments before drifting off to sleep where there is no noise, nothing to occupy my mind
It’s silent and the only thing I can do is think
And then I get trapped in my own thoughts
I get trapped in memories of you, memories of when we were happy
I want nothing more than to just be with you again
And it’s not as though the feeling of sadness isn’t mutual, I know you’re hurting too
I guess I try to make it out to be a “oh you left me” but really, I don’t think you wanted to make the choice either
I just long to be with you
I hope that our future has that in store for us…
Everything just hurts
It feels so wrong to not be with you
I just really don’t know why to do without you
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to finish “To the moon”
It was your Christmas (if I’m remembering correctly) gift to me
And their story kind of reminded me of us
Not exactly the same, obviously, I’m not autistic as River is, but likely neurodivergent
But you were always so understanding and accommodating
You encouraged me to ask for help
There’s just no way… I don’t want to marry someone if it isn’t you
I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life
elfin rover
Last night I dreamt of nothing but you
This is torturous
Why can’t I just dream of something else?
elfin rover
I know that if our relationship was truly “meant to be” like I so think that we will find a way back together
But I have no way of actually knowing that
And when it would happen
And I think that that’s what hurts the most
Apart from the fact that we had to part ways of course
That’s what hurts the most
But I truly don’t want anyone else
elfin rover
I want to still be friends with you but I don’t want to watch you fall in love with anyone else
That would hurt so much more that I do right now
elfin rover
I miss you, I miss you so much
I wish there was something I could do….
There’s just so much pain in my heart right now
Nothing feels right and I just don’t feel like I can go on
I was right all along
I didn’t deserve you
elfin rover
I really miss you, Kuma
elfin rover
I miss your sweet, warm smile, I miss your voice, your laugh, I miss our late-night chats about our future or whatever’s on our mind, I miss your cuddles and kisses and the comfort and love they made me feel, I miss your energy, I miss trying new things with you… I even miss your faults, they make you human and even though it was hard sometimes, I’d be with you again in a heartbeat
Nobody could ever replace you
What about our promises we made to each other?
You truly understood me
You didn’t judge me for the things I saw in myself as faults
Why, why did it have to play out like this?
elfin rover
I miss you, it’s true
But… I think you are right, with the way things are right now, things probably wouldn’t have worked out
Maybe once we’ve had a year of uni
And maybe after uni
But right now, it probably wouldn’t have worked
I’m sitting here at home with not much to do, constantly feeling lonely, but you wouldn’t be able to do much about it
Maybe in a year, once we’re used to uni life it could work out
Or maybe after uni
Gosh I really hope we can do that
elfin rover
I really miss you rn
I want to call you Boo again
I want to cuddle and kiss you again
I want you to hold me in your arms and tell me everything will be alright
That’s how you comforted me so many times before
Why not anymore
I want to have our little genshin dates
Since we can’t be physically together
I want to tell you that I love you
It hurts so much to have the person you love most be ripped out our your life just like that
I don’t want to watch you fall in love with someone else
I really don’t want to watch you fall in love with someone else
And plan a life with her
We had plans, we had a love so strong
But life was just unfair
I want to play battlefront with you again
I may not have been the best
But I was getting better
I want to make ramen with you
We only tried two recipes…
I want to be with you again, why did this have to happen?
I don’t want to watch you fall in love with someone else
elfin rover
I feel so lost without you
elfin rover
Idk how much I believe in soulmates or what I believe about them… but if there is anyone on earth that would be my soulmate, it would be you
Kuma,
Thank you
For the way you loved me, cared for me like nobody else
For the things you taught me, sometimes with patience, and other times not so much
For the things you did for me, the time you spent with me, the gifts you gave
Thank you for being you
The sweet, caring, gentle guy you are
The cuddly, good-looking, understanding guy you are
The fun, a little nerdy guy you are
I loved hearing about things you’re passionate about, even if I didn’t always understand
I loved being in your arms, feeling safe
But I also loved how you let me show my love for you and you let me hold you sometimes too
I loved seeing your smile, hearing your laugh
Even if sometimes my jokes weren’t funny
I loved talking to you, I felt important, like someone cared
Thank you for helping me accept myself, even if just a bit
For helping me with some of my insecurities, even if sometimes they weren’t things that you saw or knew how to help with
For helping me reach out and learn more about myself, even if that makes me different
Thank you for seeing me as me, and not all my imperfections even if sometimes I hurt you
Thank you for letting me into your life
Telling me of your deepest, darkest secrets
Showing me your shame
For trusting me enough to tell me about some of the things you hate most about yourself
And letting me help and not locking yourself away
Thank you, Kuma
I don’t know how things will be in the future
I don’t even know how things are now…
But I will always be here for you
And I hope with the depths of my heart that we can share our lives once more, in the future
But as I said, I don’t know how things will turn out
Sure, I hope our love will be enough to bring us back together
But I truly don’t know how things will play out
So Kuma, I hope that you find happiness
Please don’t suffer because of me
I know you’re a lot more practical than I am, but don’t be afraid of your feelings
I don’t really know what else to say
I hope we’re meant to be, but if not, then that other person will make you happy
I love you, Kuma
Signed, Ressa
elfin rover
It’s difficult to want something you once had
And to know that you don’t have it simply because it’s probably the best choice
If this were a silly little crush, then it would be easy to move on
In fact, I don’t get crushes often
And when I do, it’s not that intense
I don’t remember the last time I had a crush (with Kuma idk how that phase was, we were friends first and then it just kinda happened, we realised we liked each other…)
But we were in love, it’s hard to let go of that just because it’s probably the right choice
I say this every day but I hope we’re meant to be
I feel like we are
But only time will tell, I suppose…
elfin rover
I want to just accept that there’s nothing I can do about it rn
But flipping heck, that’s difficult
I love him and, naturally, want to be with him
elfin rover
Nighttime is the worst
I’m alone with my thoughts
I played some genshin co-op, it was fun, made a friend
But now I’m alone
I should probably sleep haha it’s past midnight
I have to work tmr and I have an evening class
I don’t feel like working tbh
I feel okayish most of the time ig
Especially when I’m distracted
But… it’s when I miss him that it’s hard
elfin rover
Tonight I did dream of you again
But it wasn’t a nice dream…
I don’t want things to turn out this way
No, I’ll do everything in my power for things not to turn out how they did in that horrible dream
I think I have dreams like that when I just feel hopeless
No, no, no things can’t turn out that way
elfin rover
I don’t want to go to the job today, I feel really ill
Bad cramps, I feel light headed and nauseous
But mom told me to just take some ibuprofen and “do something quiet with the kid”
I’ve gone back to missing him
Everything was so much better with you around, Kuma
I could see the good in life again
You made life a joy again
It felt so magical the way things happened
In my mind, there’s no way we aren’t meant to be…
Everything just happened as if it were fate
To quote Anakin Skywalker, “This is outrageous! This is unfair!”
Kuma loved Star Wars
We watched all the original movies together
He said the newer ones weren’t worth the time
I don’t like remembering memories of our time together
It just makes me sad
just talking about that makes me remember several memories
We were so happy together
of course, in my mind, if we are meant to be, we'll find our way back together
I guess I’m scared that we aren’t… and we won’t find our way back together
Or that I’ll do something stupid that will prevent that from ever happening
Or that you will, I suppose
But then again, if we’re meant to be then shouldn’t we find out way back no matter what?
I don’t know
I don’t know anything about anything
Ig I’m just scared
I can’t listen to a lot of songs right now
They all remind me so much of you
“Can’t help falling in love with you” (or whatever the name is) is a song that I heard over and over the first summer we were together
And it was perfect, because that’s when I started truly considering a future together
That’s when I started to think things like “oh that will be fun to do with Kuma in the future”
That summer I also wore my little avocado necklace everywhere
That was also the summer you told your mom and started to seek help
“Renai Circulation” is also difficult to listen to
It was that song that I was listening to whilst drying my hair the day before you confessed and we became a couple
I was listening to an English cover
And in hindsight, the phrase “Thank you, stars, for giving to me/ the greatest thing that’s still yet to be” just felt so right
We were already pretty close by then and ig I had kind of realised my feeling by then too
“Baby!” By the Peggies, one of my favourite songs is also difficult to listen to
I found that song and that band a little bit after we’d gotten together
I don’t remember whether we’d had our first kiss by then yet or not
But listening to that song always reminds of our sweet love
“Popipo” the silly song about vegetables from hatsune Miku also reminds me of you
When we were still just friends, we really bonded over that song because it was just so silly
And finally, “Perfect” by Ed Sheehan
I’ll never be able to listen to that one ever again
Never ever
That one has a longer story attached to it
That was the song that played a dance that me and my friend were at when I was 14 and we realised it was the last slow dance of the event
So whenever we heard that song we’d lament that we weren’t able to dance with any boys XD
That was so silly
But fast forward to this May (or was it June?) and you came with me to see me play in a band at a dance I played at
That night was so lovely…
And we hadn’t danced, and maybe you weren’t planning on doing so
But that song went on
And I don’t remember if I’d told you the story before or I told you that night
But that was our first slow dance
Little did I know it would also be out last
I drove by really close to your house today
And the carrefour near your house
That hurt like hell
Never will I come back here and have dinner with you and your parents
And then cuddle and watch Star Wars
I’m not one to swear…
But fck I feel like sht
Eh
Oh, right, asterisks
elfin rover
I’m not going to my evening class today
I feel so crap and I’m exhausted from babysitting
I feel physically crap- bad cramps and nauseous
My heart also hurts but idk whether to consider that emotional pain or not
I feel emotionally crap- I miss him so so so much and I just don’t know what to do
I’m crazy, it could never work out again
He’s far too practical to give it another shot
No, I’m never going to get him back and I’ll never have a future with him or anyone else for that matter
I’d rather be alone
Stupid memories keep coming to me
I don’t want to remember our good times together
F that
It’s worth nothing now
And idk nothing my parents say helps because heck, they were in a similar situation!
They broke up when my dad went to England for two years
And then when my dad came back, he got her back and now boom! Happily married with me and my siblings
So no, nothing they say will ever comfort me
elfin rover
Idk what to dooooo
This hurts so muchhhh
I just want to give up on everything
Why do I want his f’ing attention
We’re not… involved anymore
I shouldn’t feel like this
elfin rover
I complied that letter I wrote and maybe I'll send it to him
my gosh do I want my hopes to come true
but... I know they likely wont
I'm just setting myself up for disappoinment and hurt, aren't I?
but at the same time, how will I know if it truly was impossible if I don't try, if I don't hold onto this dream?
some dreams are meant to be held onto
and with lots of time and work, they'll be realised
but what about this dream?
will it ever come to pass?
elfin rover
I’m at a crossroads of sort
And I don’t know what to do
I sent him the letter yesterday
Maybe I shouldn’t have
I just… it’s so much
I feel like he’s the one but do I really have a chance?
We made this decision together
And it is for the best
I’m not sure we would have made it through long-distance
At least not right now
With the way I’m cooped up at home all day every day
And him getting adjusted to uni life
And then in a few months me getting adjusted to uni life
But… I don’t want to let us go
He already said he’d be up for trying again, maybe as early as next summer
I guess I’m just afraid that something might change
There are so many choices in life, I don’t like it
I wish it was just like a story and none of this had to happen
Or that I could fast forward until events in my life have happened
I don’t want to go through this any more times
I miss being a kid, when none of my choices actually mattered
I’ve said this to him before
I wish I could have stayed a kid forever
But now I have to make a lot of choices, and some of them are really hard
Is this a dream I should hold onto at all?
Or should I let it go?
My parents represent everything I’ll likely never have
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it
elfin rover
It’s impossible
Never happening
I want to hold onto hope
But really I shouldn’t
There’s just so much that would need to happen for us to happen again
Too much
It’ll never come true
I should just give up
elfin rover
Today I feel weird
I still want to hold on, though
But I also know I probably shouldn’t
But I feel just such a connection on another level with him
elfin rover
I started off feeling rather odd
But now I’m not going to vent, but rather think things through
Once again, I checked the prompt of the day to find that it’s the one I’ve commented on the most: “If I could have any dream I wanted tonight, what would it be about?”
And my knee-jerk reaction was to think, oh I’d like to dream of a future together with him.
And to a degree, I’ve had such dreams. Not really about a future, but of getting back together, and that’s brought nothing but pain when I wake up
Now it certainly isn’t nice, but in the moment it is rather comforting, and I do almost wish I could dream about a future together
But that led me to reflect on it and I’ve decided that I’d much rather have a dream about the future I will have, not of something I wish to happen
I know it’s impossible
But rather than dream of something I wish for, I’d rather see what actually will happen
If that includes him, great, all the better
I was talking to a friend earlier
And made a silly comment on how I’d like to have the time stone, the one Dr. Strange uses
I really would like to know what will happen, I don’t like the uncertainty that comes with life, especially now that my choices actually matter and have an impact on my life and even on the lives of others
And it’s just led me to think about how complex life really is
I mean, so many choices, so many things happen
To what degree are things “meant to be” and how much of it is our belief in that fact that makes it happen?
As I said the other day, I don’t know what I believe in regards to soulmates and I still don’t
But what if it’s just the belief in these things that make it so?
I don’t know, this is getting far too philosophical
But it’s so interesting to think about
Because I can see lots of points of view and arguments for all of those
And I guess I’m just in a moment of uncertainty on what to believe and what to think
I guess that’s part of growing up, and it’ll never really stop
Because as I grow and learn new things, my views on life will be forever changing
The person I am now is not the person I was even a few months ago
And I still believe that some things are meant to be, I guess
And if that happens to be the case, I hope that Kuma and I are meant to be.
Woo good enough philosophical big questions now
I should revise maths for my big exam
I do still miss him oh so very much though
Noo I need to study
elfin rover
Okay, for once I have something to say not related to him or that situation
Maths is not my strong suit
I have dyscalculia and numbers are sometimes mystifying to me
But still, I have a good, solid education and that includes maths
Sure, I’m a lot slower than some of my peers, but I’ve gotten to a fairly good level
And I have to take this placement test to see if I can make it into the classes I need for my major
But my first score was rather dismal and it’s very discouraging
Because I know this stuff
But it’s not showing
elfin rover
I guess I also don’t know how to feel bc I have no idea what’s going on in his head either
He said he wanted to continue being friends
But so far hasn’t made that much of an effort to keep in touch
Now Ik he’s starting uni and all and is probably processing emotions of his own
But I, in truth, have no idea what he’s thinking
So I have no way of knowing that the lack of communication simply means he’s busy
Or if he’s having problems of his own
Or if he doesn’t want to talk to me ever anymore
I’d just like to know where I stand in his life now ig
He said he’d always be there for me, but I imagine it’s difficult when we broke up not too long ago and not to mention he’s started uni now
But I can’t help but worry…
Oh what a bother this all is
I wish life could be simpler
We love(loved?) each other, shouldn’t that be enough?
And then why would he even want to keep in contact…?
Sure, he said it’s because he doesn’t want to lose me altogether like what would happen if we were long-distance and broke up and I agree
I don’t want to lose him altogether because of a disagreement we had and then broke up
I really appreciate him, he means a lot to me
But at the same time that’s why I want to be with him so badly
This is far more complex than I originally thought… I wish I had someone who could help me through this
If we were still together, I’d work through such a moral dilemma alongside him
But no
elfin rover
Wow, how is it that always when I’m the most worried about the situation he always answers then?
A short while after I said all that, he answered and in part, answered some of the questions I had
It’s strange…
Strangely enough I still don’t know what to feel
It likely is just confirmation bias, but what if it isn’t
My immediate reaction is to not think about it in any way shape or form, but I’m learning that some things are best thought through, no matter how difficult
elfin rover
I still can’t help but feel as though it is almost entirely my fault that we broke up
I really do hope the future has something in store for us
The uncertainty with not knowing is truly the worst part
I feel as though I was lucky enough to already have met my person
But
Idk
Sometimes the most important things are the ones we have to make an effort to get or keep
But what if that isn’t the case?
elfin rover
I’m so confused haha
elfin rover
Before, when we would travel and I’d see all the couples around, I’d be sad but because he wasn’t there with me, I missed him but knew we’d see each other when I went back
But now… I’m just sad
Because I’ve lost my person and likely will never have him again
elfin rover
I was feeling fine
But not anymore
I feel truly crap
Lost
And hopeless
I carry around a list of things that I’d like to do if we ever get back together
I just don’t know whether to hold onto that or not
In response to what I said, he said he doesn’t know what he feels
I’m not sure whether or not that’s a good thing
He did also say that he still cares though
Again all that put together, idk whether or not it’s a good thing
elfin rover
I miss you
I miss us
I miss your cuddles
Your kisses
Your comforting words
Your loving looks
Your soft, gentle touch
Your sweet personality
I miss everything about you
Yes, even the things that were a little harder to deal with
I miss everything
elfin rover
What if I just accept that I miss you
I don’t have to move on and force myself to ignore that I do miss you and want to be with you
They’re valid feelings; not the ones I want to be having right now, but feelings nonetheless
And I don’t know how it’s going to turn out, but it’s okay to have hope, right?
I don’t think I’ll go out of my way to find somebody else, but I won’t close myself off entirely either
This feels strange
I suppose I don’t know how to feel either
elfin rover
Yeah, I don’t know how to feel either
On one hand, I really want to spend the rest of my life with you
But on the other, you’ve brought up some really good points
I fully agree, it would be hard to maintain a healthy relationship long-distance (especially this first year of uni) and it would really be a shame to put in all this hard work only for it not to work out in the end after uni due to other reasons
elfin rover
I’m just confused now
What am I supposed to be feeling?
What am I supposed to do?
I wish I had someone who I could talk to about this
He would have been someone I turn to when faced with something like this, but, well, that’s not possible now
elfin rover
After thinking all day, I still don’t know how to feel
elfin rover
Although I have realised one thing
I’m uncomfortable with not knowing
I’m uncomfortable with all of this uncertainty and just in general not knowing
I’m uncomfortable with not knowing how he feels
I’m uncomfortable with not knowing how I feel
I’m uncomfortable with not knowing how things will end up
I’m uncomfortable knowing that I have a whole unpredictable future ahead of me
I wish there was something I could do about all of this
Or that there was one certain thing about this situation
Even a single thing that I knew about this situation would help
My lock screen is this adorable little drawing that says “we can take today on one small thing at a time”
But I have a hard time sticking by it all the time
It’s almost as if I can’t see it as one small thing at a time
I can’t stop worrying about the future
This is so overwhelming ahaha
elfin rover
I should try and not think about this for a little bit
There’s nothing much I can do about it atm, especially since we aren’t talking as usual
So all I can do for now is keep my focus on other things, right?
elfin rover
Hah, I thought I was okay to go to sleep
But then I check one last thing and it was someone saying something about Fallout
And now I’m thinking about him again
I remember, he’d play fallout in English sometimes
The teacher wasn’t all that interesting and that was one heck of a weird class
Oh, how I miss him dearly
Kuma, not the English teacher XD
elfin rover
Nope
Today hasn’t gotten any easier
I don’t know what to do
There’s not much I can do, I suppose
But my gosh this hurts more than anything
I would rather have to relive some of the hardest days before than to continue feeling like this
Unless it involved him feeling bad about himself, because I don’t want to see him being so negative towards himself again
elfin rover
This is no way to live
I want to move on, but I don’t
I want to be able to not think about him and us for just a little bit
But I’m scared that if I don’t think about him, I’ll never get my wish in the end, I suppose
I don’t know, it’s all just so confusing
I just wish I had answers
elfin rover
I’m so done with this all
I have such a weak… what’s the word?
It doesn’t take a lot to make me feel overwhelmed
But I’ve been holding on so long
This is just too much
Why am I so weak?
So many people go through much, much harder things
So why did I just break at this?
What the hell
Why can’t I just be stronger?
Just get over this already and freaking pick myself up and not be a freaking mess?
Why
I just don’t understand anything that’s going on
I don’t get it
It shouldn’t have happened this way
This isn’t what was supposed to happen
elfin rover
I keep realising that it’s not going to get any easier
Life is just gonna keep getting harder and harder
He was the one thing I hoped would be constant in my life
elfin rover
I’m not a very overtly religious person. I don’t particularly like sharing that I’m religious as it raises many questions that I don’t particularly fancy answering. Of course, if someone asks, I’ll answer truthfully, but I’m not typically one to offer that information out of the blue
But today my beliefs have helped me find comfort during these trying times. Something finally clicked and I feel more at peace and see hope at last
I hope this feeling can last, for I finally don’t feel the need to just constantly monitor my thoughts and try not to think about my situation
I know it won’t get any easier, and it’s still going to suck and it may even get worse, still
But I can make it through, I can do this
And I can find peace, too
elfin rover
Will I ever truly get over this?
I find that very hard to believe
Sure, maybe he isn’t the one, and I’ll find someone else… but will the longing and pain ever actually go away?
You hold such a special place in my heart, I don’t think anyone could ever replace it
elfin rover
Why can’t I hold onto peace?
Why does it always leave?
I shouldn’t let my doubts take over… but there’s just still so much
It all happened so fast
I guess I would have liked a little bit more time to understand what was happening
Yes, we agreed, but…
It’s just all so much
elfin rover
I went by school today
I had to go inside
It hurt to see all those places where we had such good times
I remember looking out the window during bio while you were at physics, hoping you’d see me
I remember rushing back to chemistry after break and we’d lost track of time
Everyone knew why we were late, even the teacher
Yet, he never lectured us
(Except that one time you put your arm around me in class, that was embarrassing)
We used to write each other little notes in the margins of our chemistry books
My medicinal chemistry section is full of your little hearts and smileys
I saw the maths classroom we used to have lunch in
Where we all had to constantly witness the making out of two of our friends
I went by the classroom we had D&D in, and where we could sit closer together and nobody would care (the teacher leading D&D was really chill)
I remember going into the “lunch room” to heat up your food but really using that as an excuse to sneak away to that one unused corridor right next to it to be together
I remember our little picnic table where we would have lunch
And the time the art teacher saw us… yeah, that was awkward
I remember the common rooms, the place where we talked for the first time
The place where so many things happened
No, how could I ever get over you?
To many it may seem like a silly, juvenile romance, but it was so much more
We had deep conversations, tough problems we had to face together
No, it wasn’t juvenile in the slightest
I felt a true connection, and I think you did too
So please, universe, help us see the way back
Of course, I’d hope sooner rather than later
But I will wait
elfin rover
Today amidst all my other thoughts and after watching a show and reading some comments online, I’ve begun to think about parenting
I am by no means even remotely close to becoming a parent, nor do I think I’d be fit to do so currently, but I think it’s important to think about things such as these
Becoming a parent is something I’d like to do, it always has been
I had plans with him to become parents and a family…
Anyways
Regardless of whom the other parent is, I think it’s important for me to have my own ideas
I love my parents, but I don’t wish to be like them at all
I think their strictness has done more harm than good and I don’t want to have that sort of effect on my kids
But at the same time, too much freedom is not good either
A balance between the two and different methods of enforcing rules and coming up with them is likely a good idea
This has got me thinking of much more philosophical questions now
I don’t like philosophical questions so I’m going to stop there
elfin rover
I’ve always had cold hands…
That was one of the first things you noticed when we first started going out
But you would keep them warm…
I guess we won’t be able to go ice-skating together anymore
That was a really nice date
I hope we can have another like it in the future…
Many more…
elfin rover
It's ironic... we decided not to go for long-distance because we wanted to maintain contact... yet you are kind of slow at responding and I don't really feel like you want to keep talking
I don't know maybe you're still getting used to it, too
in any case, I hope that we can continue being friends
at least for the time being
elfin rover
I’m still confused, ngl
But
I need to live in the moment more
Sometimes ig I feel the need to min-max life
I don’t need to do everything all at once as fast as I can
There’s no use in just trying to do everything all at once, I’ll only end up frustrated and if I do somehow manage to finish those things, then what will I do?
Ig matters if the heart just feel pressing, too
I really want to be with him, but right now doesn’t seem to be the time for that
I don’t know what will happen in the future, so I have no way of knowing for sure whether it will happen or not
I don’t like this feeling 😅
I miss you terribly Kuma
I don’t know how you feel, in the slightest
I have no idea whether or not I should hold onto any hope, or how to deal with this
What I do know is that our relationship felt real and right, it just felt so right
I’m willing to hold onto a small sliver of hope, but will I be crushed by this?
I have no idea, I don’t know what to expect in the slightest
I guess that’s one of the things bothering me most
I guess it’s too early for either of us to have any ideas about anything in regards to the future…
This sucks, I hate it so much 😅
Earlier today, I thought maybe I was finally getting over this, moving on
But no, I’m not
Not in the slightest
I don’t think I ever will…
elfin rover
For no reason at all, suddenly I keep getting even more memories that I remember
This is just torturous at this point
elfin rover
Today I’m once again filled with doubt and culpability
It feels like it’s all my fault, if only I’d done better we both would have been in a place where we could maintain a strong relationship during uni
I just… I hope that somehow we can find a way to be together again
I’m just not sure how to do that
I mean, there’s not much I can do right now
But is this something I should just leave to fate? Should I seek it out? I don’t know what to do…
elfin rover
Hmm still feeling rancher unsure
I guess I don’t have to make a decision now… I can’t make a decision now lol
My heart hurts though, and I guess that makes it difficult
elfin rover
Kuma, you really still have my heart
I can’t imagine ever being as close as I was to you with anyone else
And it’s been a while, I guess…
But I still feel that way
And I want to have hope that this is because we’re “meant to be” or something like that
But I m not sure whether I’m brave enough to hope for that
It’s truly a rather strange situation
elfin rover
I’ve been thinking a lot (like usual) and it’s strange
He’s the only one I can imagine being, well, physically close to
I’ve never really want mes to kiss or cuddle with anyone else
It’s strange
I should sleep anywho, it’s late
Waah life is so complexc I wish it were simpler
Then maybe I could have my fairytale happily ever after already
elfin rover
Kuma I miss you
It’s strange
Not how I missed you at first
No, the constant hurting is still there, it never goes away
But I guess I’ve grown somewhat accustomed to it
No, now I get sudden pangs of “I really freaking miss you and wish we could be together again”
Like today (and this is going to sound so unromantic lmao) I was scrolling through my YouTube shorts feed and some video about IBS showed up and the dr was explaining how travel and changing diet can change symptoms and whatnot and it reminded me of that time you travelled and got sick and had a medical scare and you thought perhaps you had diabetes (but it just turned out the diet difference was what caused the change)
And I remember being so worried when you said you went to the hospital and reassuring you that I’d still love you if you had diabetes (the things we worried about back then 😅😂)
I miss you so much, Kuma
elfin rover
We haven’t spoken in nearly a week, I know I shouldn’t expect anything
But if you don’t want to stay in contact, I wish you’d at least say something
That’s how I lost all my other friends… they just suddenly stopped answering one day
And never answered again
And you promised me you’d always be there for me, whether we were a couple or not
So please, please don’t leave me like everyone else
And if you do… don’t do it like they did
Maybe I’m overreacting, maybe you’re hurting just as much as me or maybe I’m right, who knows? I wish I did
elfin rover
Kuma…
I don’t know what to do
I miss you so much
So freaking much
I don’t know how to explain it…
elfin rover
I got occupied with something else while writing this ehe
But I don’t know how to explain it, I just… our connection felt too genuine, too real
Like I’ve said lots of times, I don’t know whether or not I believe in soulmates and if I do, what I believe about them, but if anyone were to be my soulmate, it would be Kuma
elfin rover
It’s 3 AM and I definitely should not be awake
But I got so sucked into doing my newest project and I lost track of time
I didn’t realise it was this late and now I am in the nighttime blues, kinda
I’m going to try and go to sleep without thinking abt anything, really
I’m definitely not going to pick up the felt at the bakery in the morning
Woo I should try and sleep though
elfin rover
Who am I kidding?
It’ll never happen
He’s probably going to realise he’s better off with someone else and wouldn’t give a thought at another shot
elfin rover
Even after having thoughts like those I still want to hold onto hope
What is wrong with me lmao
I guess today is a day where I feel completely hopeless
It sucks
I just don’t know what to think
Sometimes (like today) I think I’m an absolute idiot to think that anything could ever happen again
Other days I’m filled with hope and see the whole situation differently
I don’t know what to believe, because when I’m feeling one, the other seems like an exaggeration and just my mind warping things
So what’s real?
What’s a genuine way to see the situation?
I don’t know, because when I feel either way, it feels like it’s absolutely the way I should be seeing it
There’s just so much to consider and I don’t know anything for certain
So, I don’t know what’s okay to think and feel
What thoughts I should nurture and hold onto and what I should let go of
I don’t know what to do and it’s really stressing me out
I just wish there was a way to make the best decision
Or someone I could talk to to help me sort out my thoughts and help me notice which ones are realistic and which ones aren’t and what really is me warping the reality and what isn’t
elfin rover
At this point it’s been over a week since you’ve said anything
I hope I’m just overthinking
But oh it really hurts
I just don’t know what to think
elfin rover
Today I feel a little empty
elfin rover
I really hope you’re not just going to never answer
I thought you were going to be the one who wouldn’t ever do that
We already aren’t together anymore… please don’t make this go away, too
elfin rover
Hmmm
I just need to establish a life
I think once I have that, it’ll be easier to not focus on what I’ve lost
elfin rover
Still nothing
