dumping everything i think about in here so it doesn’t just sit in my head. don’t read my journal if you are sensitive to self harm, substance use, or suicide.
#lilys journal
eager island
i have been relapsing on and off for the past four years. i am currently 11 days clean. i want to stay clean for as long as i can but the thought is always in the back of my mind. not so much an urge, but a thought. not “i want to cut myself,” but “i could.”
i havent been able to go swimming with my family at all this summer because i relapsed very badly at the beginning, and the scars are still very visible. i hope they get lighter. i felt terrible when i couldn’t swim with my brother for his birthday. i disappointed my younger brother because of my problems. twisted.
i have to go swimming later this week, there is no saying no. not sure what the plan is. i guess the plan is just fuck it. but it is a very public place and i’m not sure how comfortable i am with that many people seeing my scars yet. i am only now comfortable with my friend seeing them.
eager island
i wish i was diagnosed and then i was medicated and then i gel t better. so tired of being sad all the time.
eager island
OH MY GOOOOOD I WAS RIGHT. HIS EX GF DUMPED HIM BECAUSE HE STILL LIKED ME.
eager island
this is such a realization moment for me. i don’t even like him.
eager island
this feels like when a guy told me that a girl did something to him while she wasn’t sober and to not talk to him when i’m not sober and i realized like a year later the girl he was talking about was me.
eager island
it gets sad when i think about how much i actually smoke. smoking in every situation isn’t normal. when i’m sober i think about the next time i want to be high.
eager island
lilys mind
embarrassing that it’s calling me out like that
the boy i’ve been talking to pissed me off last night so i was ignoring him and now he’s ignoring me. i know it’s my fault but i’m still sad.
eager island
he told me that he was up late crying last night because he thought i hated them. crazy how this is the inverse of how it was a few months ago.
i know i’m not a great person.
you can tell if i wrote something while i was high because i tried to sound all smart and sophisticated
eager island
this boy is worse along than i thought
i don’t think he actually likes me as much as i thought he did
i think i just delude myself into thinking people really like me so i feel better about myself
fuck
he got me completely right and i got him all wrong
i truly am a callous bitch
i feel like he is reading this
i feel like he sees everything i do
i feel like is watching over me, silently judging every one of my actions
like a fucked up version of god
fucked up because he’s a real person
lilys journal
i like journal
more
mind is trying too hard to be different i think
i am writing so much tonight
too much maybe
i think every problem i have with other people is just a me problem
every problem is just one created by me in my head and actually doesn’t matter at all
and then when i make it other people problems i just fuck them up
eager island
i need to be high rn
eager island
i had a breakdown at practice today and i am beyond embarrassed. the coaches think i’m being ridiculous, and i’m sure my teammates think so too. they think i was upset because i wasn’t in what they were doing which is part of it, but half of it was for no reason at all. i was like dry heaving sobbing in the bathroom.
i don’t understand why i felt like this, and why i couldn’t control it. i tried everything. i counted damn near everything in the room, tried to focus on breathing, and tried other things to distract myself, but i couldn’t stop it.
even when i felt like i was no longer upset i kept on crying. i hate myself so much i wish i could undo today.
fuck