So, I finally did it. I made the leap to do something for my mental health. The last time I did this I got yelled at by the people that were supposed to look out for me. I've been really struggling lately, but too scared to open up to anyone. After all, why try to make more friends when the last ones you've had turned out to be horrible people? School starts soon, and some of those "horrible people" will be there. Just the thought alone is enough to make my chest feel tight as a rubber band. I miss my best friend, he's been too busy for me lately, but a part of me can't help but be afraid that he doesn't care for me anymore. Then feels so guilty the times he does check in, even briefly. I've only had 6 meals in the last 4 days, and haven't slept properly for the last 56 hours. How do you keep going when you feel like you've hit rock bottom? I don't know, but remember, you've been through worse! Right? Maybe this time things can turn for the better? Not holding my breath of course. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
#Aki's Journal
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It's been a few hours since we took Wednesday back home from the vet. She goes in to get fixed, and comes out with two patches of skin missing because of some mystery lumps which are now going in for a biopsy. The first thing my brain goes to? Cancer, of course. I've seen it before! (Rest in peace to those I've lost)
This was only a few hours ago compared to now. She's sitting in a carrier next to me, supposed to be resting, but instead being a total crackhead as usual. She's such a brat, but I love her. Doesn't stop me from being terrified for the worst. I haven't properly slept in four days now, only getting little bits in between panic, stress, and loneliness. Of course that made today feel like I was hungover, as someone who has never properly been drunk before.
Horrible headache, stomach pain, vertigo, etc. which lasted the entire day, and came in waves. Least I managed to eat something today, but I feel like a battery on low. Sleeping hasn't helped. I dropped five pounds this month alone, which really isn't good considering I weigh nothing anyway. I'm not sure how to make myself feel better? I literally got out and wandered around for several hours! Sunlight, exercise, socializing, new things! The things that should make you happy! But you just feel so apathetic, tired, lonely. The imposter syndrome sets in, and you just can't pull yourself out. So... what do I do next?
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It's been four years since the last time he messaged me, since he tried to break me up with my best friend for his own selfish wants. Now he comes crawling back? We haven't spoken since then, why does he keep trying to reach out to me? My best friend who has been my rock when the world collapsed around me. I love him so dearly that I cannot imagine my life without him. So why after radio silence does this person think it's okay to come back after four years of me putting my foot down?
I spent a lot of today asleep for once... it was nice to be able to rest for once. Though I feel the sort of sluggishness that comes with taking a ten minute nap that last three hours. I miss spending time with the people I love, though it isn't easy when they're all busy. Wednesday's biopsy comes in Monday, benign tumors would be great! I don't want to lose my kitten, though she seems just as bold(?) as usual.
My thoughts always go back to you and the other people that have left. I place so much worry on hurting others, that I hurt myself before saying no. I think about how you hurt me to my core and how I finally said no. How guilty I feel for having to cut you off, but... in the end, did you ever care for me the way I did about you? I don't think you did. It hurts when I have to see you, or when after four years, you won't let things die. I hope you find peace, but I hope that it comes as a cold slap from reality that makes you into better people. Both of you need it.
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Well, today has been... weird? Got up much earlier than usual even though someone wouldn't let me sleep. That's the fun thing about having a cat just out of surgery, they have to rest, but the personality mine has absolutely refuses to? Which then wakes the dog and I who stare mindlessly at her as she tries to kill her own tail in retaliation. Was supposed to hang with an old friend today, but migraine? Or something? No worries, happens sometimes. They suck, and people telling you to just "drink water" can suck it, because it's not like we don't know that already lmao. I just hope he feels better before classes start up again.
Anyway... I think I pissed off my best friend? I don't know how, but he's been busy for the last two months, we haven't really talked much since both of us had summer classes. He just got out of his, and... I think he's mad at me? Well, either that or he's finally realized after 6 years that I'm a trash human like the rest of my former friends. I don't know, he said something weird a few hours ago and then dropped off the face of the earth? I really did miss him... but I get worried too easily. When you don't really have a stable friend group for most of your life, you question every single facet of the present and future friendships you have. It's a problem I know I have, and I'm working on it! But a month of mostly silence between us makes me worried we've grown distant... I wish it were easier for me to make good friends with shared interests, and to maintain them over the years like a lot of other people.
In other news, the energy I had from four hours of sleep is drained, and I'm going back to bed.
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Ah yes, the night before jitters are starting to "settle" in. Even though I've been in college for longer than most of my colleagues? I'm still terrified of that first day. Of seeing all of them again. They probably don't remember me, but that's fine. I don't need them anyway. Especially not her.
Had some old family friends over to the house today, I haven't seen them in a year now? Apparently, someone else my age just got married? Like... we can't even drink yet? We've got our lives ahead of us! Couldn't you just hold it off so you can mature a bit? Kinda wack, but I hope she's happy.
I just have a lot of kinda fragmented thoughts at the moment? A mix of anxiety and other thoughts that don't matter? Supposedly I'm supposed to do something with my best friend again today, but... a part of me thinks he's going to cancel again. I've almost gotten too used to the thought since it's happened so often, but whatever I guess. I'm just here, not quite bad, not quite good, just in a state of empty.
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Just got back from classes about an hour ago? Nothing quite like seeing one of your ex best friends and casually being reminded of all the awful things they did to you tbh. It still hurts to see them... but I hope they're doing better now. I don't think I can ever forgive them for the hurt they've caused, but I have to live with them? We're in four of the same classes so that really sucks.
I'm doing my best to socialize and be less of a wallflower. Gotta start networking early after all! Some chill people, some I could do without, old "friends" who I haven't spoken to since last semester? Kinda feel sucks that they all hung out over the summer, but a few of us just got excluded? Love exchanging that awkward glance with another in our group that says, "Oh crap... alright we're not that kind of friend to them I guess." Fair enough though? In a weird way? I've always been a bit of a loner.
What else though? I'm not sure. Not even a full 12 hours since my first course opened and I'm already rapidly doing homework for every class possible. Doesn't matter that it's not due till Friday! I've got an over active mind and anxiety, but I'm starting to get tired. Maybe this is why I burn out so easy?
Oh yeah... Percy ate a pair of headphones again. Least they weren't mine lmao. Such a brat.
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I've missed a few days of this? May have relapsed mentally a bit. Woke up yesterday and just felt so... disconnected and empty. I didn't know why I was here anymore or what I was doing compared to everything that I value. Everything just... hurt. I hate crying, but I spent an hour doing it in the bathroom, where my family was none the wiser. They really never have known how much I hurt.
Today was different, nerve-wracking, chamber auditions. This was the class that made you want this life, the class you changed your major for, N. You can't turn back because you're scared, or because they're here! Because you know all these other people and how much their presence impacted everything!
I've never been good with auditions. Been in theater for the last decade, but somehow this is still one of the most anxiety inducing situations I have found myself in. But... I went, I sang, I sat down, I got up, I sang again, class ended, and... that was it? ... Now the waiting game.
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Wow, I completely ignored the thought of this thing in the past few days. Was too busy focused on the random natural disasters occurring around me. Spent all of Saturday night, and most of Sunday stressing about the storms, which only got worse with the earthquakes. Luckily I think most people are good?
I made it into chamber! Which means I spend literally every day of the week singing now? Kinda wack. Between constantly in theory and trade offs between choir, and advanced choir? I think I'm going to lose my voice this year sometime. Placements and crap, always working now and a bit stressed? I swear the girl standing next to me is glaring at me? Whatever I guess.
Something I never got was how others see me and decide I'm the one to talk to? I've got three incoming freshmen looking to me like an older sister now sharing their gossip with me. I'm not a social person, but apparently people think that my constantly "kidnapped" expression (As some of my former friends so lovingly put it) is approachable. Worst nightmare really, especially when your ex friend thinks they can slide into a chat too?
Tl;dr - I'm alive, my friends and family are seemingly alive, and that's all that matters.
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Holy crap being a musician is very demanding. Between the four classes I’m taking for one major, the one I’m taking for another, and the final I’m obligated to take? I’m constantly working and on the clock. It’s nice to be around people again I guess? Maybe I can actually start to make friends again? But damn I’m tired by the end of the day.
I have essentially adopted three incoming freshmen as my younger siblings, new music majors who I see every day for at least an hour. I finally cracked and told one of them about my ex friend who also shares our major? It felt so nice to have someone else understand for once, knowing that I will remain cordial to them but I don’t want to risk being their friend again? I still worry that come Monday, he will blab to them, but I’m doing my best to stay calm and trust him. He’s my little brother now after all.
First solo vocal rehearsal, apparently my couch says I sound like Snow White which is kinda weird? I still have no clue what that means, but I’m assuming it’s good? Regardless of this, she sings the same song I myself should be singing. Be more confident in yourself and your vocals? I’ve been telling myself the same thing for years, but even still I can’t help but be anxious. Your voice isn’t like the piano, it can’t be tuned or traded, it has to be trained and nurtured. Your voice is so uniquely yours, so it feels incredibly vulnerable to share it even amongst colleagues.
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First near anxiety attack in school, woo! God I hate myself rn. Woke up to my alarm, immediately passed out again for 10 mins, got up, got to class? It all went downhill from there. I just felt so out of it all today.
Regardless of anything, I am a therapist friend/older sister friend over anything else. It is my job to take care of the people I care about. It is my job to mask my emotions with a smile no matter how awful I feel. Two breakups, two deaths, one existential crisis. All weights I bear on my shoulders for them, to take care of them. I understand it isn't healthy, I know that sitting in the theory room shoulder shaking as I try my best not to burst out of the room in to have a panic attack isn't healthy. I know that throwing out my lunch when I've already lost 5% of my nonexistent bodyweight isn't healthy. I know that hiding everything and not telling them anything isn't healthy. It doesn't stop me from being my worst enemy.
And now... I'm in bed, laying awake after staring at the ceiling for two hours. In the middle of an argument with my best friend because we haven't spoken in over two months, and I'm trying to figure out why? He still says he loves me and that he's my best friend... but in the midst of everything? All my stress, pain, and panic? No one is there for me in the end. It's just me laying awake in bed, pretending everything is okay to benefit the people around me. I'm always left behind...
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I am an idiot that accidentally hurt myself by overworking. That is all for now because it hurts to type.
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Things have gotten... stressful lately. I always seem to forget about this until after the fact rather writing in it with the thoughts fresh in my mind. I'm writing about the events of the last two weeks because all of them are still bouncing around in my head.
Two weeks ago - Stress from school is normal, I'm used to carrying around the stress from assignments and exams quite easily considering how long I've been multitasking. It's a little different when your plans get entirely thrown off without any warning leaving you down a day of work. A day doesn't sound like much, but a lot can be done in the span of 24 hours when you're in college, so someone explain to me why a college aged alumni is expected to work at a middle school event? I should not have to represent a school I never went to, it seems disingenuous. Regardless, I worked through and managed to strike a deal working with a volunteer group to get a donation to my choir. I just remember being tired and hating everyone because I was tired that week.
This past week - As stated earlier? I screwed up my hand. I overworked it and inflamed a muscle to the point where my professor told me to get off the piano and rest. Scared the crap out of my three freshmen because I randomly sent a picture of my hand to the chat without context, oops. Didn't really think about it before sending it? But it really hurt to type. Covid is back though, so that's... definitely not terrifying. My entire section in Chamber got decimated and the others are pretty bad too. It's spreading through the music department so badly that someone made a meme because of it. I hugged one, high-fived another, and two of my freshmen caught it. Considering my entire section has been heavily exposed? I don't know how the hell I don't have it yet. My immune system SUCKS.
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First chamber gathering yesterday, just surrounded by people who love music. I thought it was going to be more stressful than it was considering there's almost forty of us there. But it was really a good way to meet with some of my colleagues. I haven't really socialized with most of them outside of my section? But it was nice!
First vocal recital is this Tuesday, and holy crap am I terrified. I love music, and I love listening to my colleagues sing, but I don't like singing in front of my much more experienced colleagues who have been doing this for far longer than I have. Music was only a proper passion like a year ago? But many of these people live, breathe and eat the stuff.
The end of the month will be hellish considering how much is happening, one thing after another. But things should smooth out after midterms hopefully?
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Solo performances are terrifying tbh, and yesterday was my first in front of my peers. There were 32 of us performing at the recital yesterday, and I was 10th in line. I feel as if I am harder on myself than I should be given how people describe my singing to me? While everything that I did wrong sticks out from the lack of air from nerves, to the stiffness I stood at, even if apparently? No one knew I was terrified.
The day went well at least! I brought one of my friends who I haven’t seen in forever, but… made the conscious decision not to tell my parents. I feel kinda guilty for never mentioning it to them… but my mother gives me awful anxiety, so inviting her would have made the entire situation worse. I’m an adult and get to make these decisions on my own, so why do I still feel so guilty after how she has treated me and been a massive part of why I couldn’t be myself for all these years?
Today rolls around, started out fine? But I just felt a massive wave of depression hit around lunch. Not sure why or what caused it? But I just didn’t want to be present. I wanted to go home and sink in my sheets for the next week. I’m guessing overstimulation? But at the same time, I have no clue. So… I haven’t been really working today. I should be doing my homework, but all I feel is just emptiness.
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This last week was pretty uneventful... until yesterday. Someone pops up on my snap, a friend I haven't seen in like 15 years. On a whim, I decide to follow him, only to find he's followed back. We talk for a bit, he's still in town? We decide to meet for coffee the next day.
Today rolls around, and here comes this guy, a foot taller than me who I don't recognize at all. My dear friend I haven't seen since kindergarten all those years ago. Holy crap it was so weird to see him again, but honestly I'm glad he's doing well!
I feel like I've been more social this week, more content in my own skin? Able to make more decisions than I would have when I was younger, and it's so refreshing to not always feel so stuck all the time.
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Dear goodness this week is going to be chaotic. Now is the calm before the storm, but starting Wednesday? Oof... wish me luck! I'm going to need it!
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Not even the second time I've met with him, and I already recruited my friend and one of his friends to concert. Holy crap this was not how I expected my day to turn! But hey, I'll have people to talk to next semester ig?
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It feels odd to be so open with someone you haven’t seen in so long, someone who didn’t know what happened to you when growing up despite you having a history? It feels odd to trust someone so easily, with all the awful people who have been around before. I’m scared to open up, but it feels nice to not hide it. To just wander around aimlessly for two hours chatting about your lives separated.
I spent 4 hours baking marble bread, my legs hurt lmao. Festival week is bs and exhausting, but I’m so glad that I’m in chamber still. Solo performance this week, dear goodness I sincerely hope I don’t screw up the German. There’s a bug bite right in the joint of my finger that itches like hell. I should prob get tested for ADHD, I have similar symptoms, and so do my family members, which doesn’t help because it’s genetic. But it doesn’t really bother me too much other than getting off topic or distracted sometimes? Feels weird to admit, I don’t want to seem rude since I know some cases can be rougher than others? I don’t know if I should admit it, and risk coming off as self diagnosing even if I’m not declaring I have it, or hide it and just continue to wonder in silence. Not like I’m talking to my therapist now anyway, don’t have the money for that.
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Has it really only been three weeks? We're talking now, it's... weird to be vulnerable. I don't like it. But I trust him? I think at least. He's a total sweetheart. But... telling my best friend/ex boyfriend? He... didn't take it well, and I'm really worried about him...
The last two weeks have been really... weird. Busy, constantly working, up at crazy hours to finish work? I'm so tired... but also, after confessing to my feelings? I can't sleep! I'm shaking terribly, but he said he was interested? I just feel so stupid for being so soft and nervous about this. It wasn't ever something I let get to me before. Even through everything? He comes and visits me during class, he's tried to get to know me, he paid for my lunch (I'm still mad for that lmao), it's not something I'm used to.
Next week I'm traveling for choir. My voice is shot from singing so much. Festival today with the other colleges. We've also got a concert? So I'm really busy all over again. I'm going to not want to wake up next week lmao. Just sleep for three days. Solo performance went well at least!
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Concert last night, dear god I’m exhausted. 9 performances in two weeks? And tomorrow? I’m getting in a van and leaving town to sing for the weekend. My voice is absolutely shot though, I am so tired. All of us are.
My ex is being really kinda passive aggressive. I know that he’s just hurt… but at the same time, we haven’t spoken much in months… and I love him? But I need someone who’s going to be there for me. I can’t long distance with someone who I maybe get three messages from each day, who cancels plans on me last minute, who I can never get a consistent answer from. If he can’t make the commitment? I can’t see myself with him… I need to know he’s just as invested as I am. But I wish that it didn’t have to be this way…
Fifteen years apart, and the guy I’m talking with now has sat in on choir rehearsals, tried to come to concerts. He’s a sweet guy that seems to listen to my preferences and thoughts even if we aren’t dating. It’s only my second relationship… I didn’t expect it all to be so complicated? I haven’t dated anyone in four years either… and it was a lot different then than now. So much has happened in those last 4 years that I’m worried to tell him about, but I’ve been slowly sharing it all with him. He’s been so kind to me.
Then comes the issue with them, the person who has hurt me more than anyone could? Turns out their actions are a pattern. Suck someone in, isolate them, make them their everything (best friend, therapist, etc), then get upset and self destruct when things don’t go their way. So… if I know that they’re always on this downwards spiral that hurts everyone around them, including themselves, why is it that I feel the need to help them? Why is it that when I see them having a full breakdown in class? My first instinct is to go sit next to them and figure out what’s wrong? To take them home and make sure they don’t do anything stupid. (cont.)
Both mi hermano, and my new partner have told me that I don’t need to do this, and I’ve told myself that too! I know I don’t, yet here I am… sitting in the car trying to get them home. I’m glad mi hermano came with me, but it set me back a day… I was really struggling yesterday to just exist. My partner called them an “attention wh@re.” He… isn’t exactly wrong. They seek attention in harmful ways. And now I have to spend a weekend with them… well, and the rest of my choir.
If I had met him earlier, I would have invited my new partner with me to learn more about him. I really like him so far, but I want to be sure. We’ve only known each other like a month. I would have invited mi hermano, but my mother is coming, and as much as I consider him my brother? We aren't really related, I don't think she nor my dad would take well to me sharing a room with a guy, even with separate beds, even though I'm an adult.
Turns out, mi hermano picked up on my exhaustion. I'm worried he's going to start talking to our other colleagues or my new partner about it. I will admit... I'm super out of it today, and I was kinda all week? But I don't need them worried about me. I'm the older sister, the one who has been around the longest. I know it isn't practicing what I preach... but I worry about them all too much to let them worry about me. They all mean too much to me to let them know how weak I really am...
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Last week was... chaotic. Just a constant stream of work piling up and compounding until... well? Nothing. Now my week is basically free? But my brain isn't. It's still so full of all sorts of thoughts just ricocheting around like those atom experiments back from chemistry. I'm so damn tired, but I need to stay strong! I can't let myself falter now after working so hard for and on myself.
I finally told others about what happened between myself and them. They were causing issues for the entire group? So I spoke my piece with receipts. It's one thing if it's just me, but it's another if their actions start to impact my colleagues and friends. So... the van I rode on during our Chamber trip knows, but I wouldn't be surprised if the other members in the other vans find out. The group is so close knit, and they have already caused issues anyway? I learned more about that actually. It's a full on pattern, their actions to isolate, pull someone close, then make them their entire world before self sabotaging.
God, I wish there were a better way to describe a person you're talking with. What do you call them? Your partner? Your friend? Whatever the case may be... insecurities are really starting to sink in. I feel like I need to be super open and honest with him, but what if he sees that and decides he's not ready to pick up my broken pieces? It's not his job to do that, but I really do enjoy being around him.
Dia de los Muertos is this week, so that will be interesting? Mi hermano invited myself and my "partner" to his family's home for a celebration. So I guess he's getting exposed to Mexican culture? But yeah, that's been this week. Sunday performance, and I perform solo next week, my instructor ratted me out and told my mother the date, so... I have that to look forward to. And my partner wants to see it, so... I guess they'll end up running into each other eventually?
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Holy crap the last few days were chaos. Between testing, performances, my friends needing support, etc? This is starting to feel less like college and more like a slice of life stupid anime fanfic or novel. Doesn't even help that I have to perform again not only tomorrow! But Sunday as well!
Halloween was... eventful. I met with my partner after class ended early. I needed to give him some things from my trip,, but supposedly he had to leave in an hour? But the two of us ended up talking for two and a half, and going to the practice rooms at the school to play piano together. Spent the night studying for an exam the next day, like literally till 2 AM. But it was nothing that could prep me for Wednesday.
Exam day, times two! I finally got to finish my piano exam, then had to take theory, all sandwiched by the Christmas music we had to learn? Dealt with a friend's breakup, another's illness, and another's emotional apathy. Searched for classes, prepped for vocal solo, prepped for Dia de los Muertos! All while on 4 hours of sleep and 24 oz of iced tea. I don't even remember if I ate yesterday to be honest.
And now... today, or technically yesterday. My partner and his friend came in to listen to us sing again. I ditched my next class to be with the two, and we snagged a friend of their's. We hung out for a bit, but then had to head back to the school, where both his friends split off for a bit. He decided to get food, where we had a bit of a heart to heart which was really sweet. He left me at my private rehearsal, then I took two of my friends home. All well and good, right? We go to mi hermano's aunt's place, hang out for a bit, my partner and I got upto some goofy bs (Including the most awkward hug ever), but then he had to leave? Makes sense, he's trying to prep for an interview for the next day. The remaining of us just hang out, then dip to go stargazing, singing on the hills while we watched the stars for two hours. (cont.)
We get food, I go to drop off one person at her home, another at the house to get his car, then off to mi hermano's house to drop him off! Right? ... The other guy's car broke down, like broke down broke down. Like, an hour passes of us trying to jump it, and charge the battery go by sort of broke down. So... it's midnight in a super sketchy neighborhood, and three teenagers are trying to push a car into a driveway. Yeah, it was interesting... wonder what my partner thought about it, he was messaging with us the entire time.
Because I was the only other person with a car, I offer to take the other guy home. I really just felt awful for him, both me and mi hermano. But eventually, we've gotten both his friends and my friend to their homes, and it's just me and mi hermano in the car. I start discussing my relationship insecurities and... well, turns out, my partner had gotten worried about me during the party? I didn't realize that me just wanting a second of quiet to myself made him so worried... especially given how he was still messaging me by this point! How the others who only just met him could tell that he was interested, even if he never said anything? I just think back to the two of us screwing around, him getting worried about my hands being cold, me getting on a chair to hug him because I'm short as hell? It all just started to settle in... especially when mi hermano quoted him, "I'm worried about her, but I don't know how close we are?" That plus the messages he was sending to make sure I was okay because it was late when I was driving?
I don't know what I did to deserve someone like him? He's such a sweetheart, and it still freaks my brain out? But... I need to message him again tomorrow. Man literally has an interview tomorrow! It's past midnight! But instead of sleeping, he stayed up until I told him I was home safe. I need to figure myself out... he's been so kind to me. I want to make sure he feels okay in all of this. I really do appreciate him...
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So... my partner fell off a curb today- and almost took me with him- ... I'll write more later lmao.
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Second solo down! I’m still considered a songbird apparently? Which is… something. How many performances have I had this month now? Uhh… 15? Or some bs. I’m so tired lmao, but… I’m also happy…? I think I’m happy at least. Other than a few slip ups, this has been one of the best semesters I’ve had. My voice definitely hurts, and I think I’m getting sick, but happens sometimes.
My partner came to watch our Sunday performance, then came over afterwards to hang out with me and mi hermano. I was so drained after that, after all those performances, a party, then another performance? My social battery TANKED. I immediately knocked out when the two left, and the exhaustion followed into Monday. Oh right, buddy stumbled off the curb trying to hug me lol. Something about having a foot in height difference makes hugging difficult, so… jumping on a chair, or him popping off the curb makes life easier for both of us? … Yeah he almost fell, and if he fell, he would have taken me with him by accident lmao.
I don’t even remember yesterday, I was so drained and tired? Went to class, came home, worked, knocked tf out. It was… something lol. The one thing I do remember was getting into an argument with my mother about her trying to barge into my private life. Society says that we are meant to trust and respect our parents, but it’s a lot different than what things ACTUALLY look like. When the trauma they inflict has such a negative impact on your existence? How are you supposed to feel when they begin to invade your personal life? I… almost relapsed and had a massive anxiety attack today because of it. I don’t WANT her involved with my music. There is a reason I invite my close friends and not her, music is very personal. (cont.)
What pulled me out? … A stupid text exchange with my partner. He couldn’t come to this performance, fair enough, but he checked in with me before and after. Being called a Disney Princess over and over when singing is a bit annoying, but at least it means I’m doing well? I was joking about it, and he mentions something along the lines of, “I would love to have a Disney Princess voice!” And then me joking that we could switch roles. I don’t know why that of all things pulled me out of my panic, I was so ready to rush off and dissociate in my car for half an hour? But… between him and my friends checking in with me? I was able to settle myself.
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I got sick. =p All the stress I think did me in.
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So... the last couple days have been me getting sick a bunch, I didn't physically go to theory at all this week because I didn't have the capacity to? Which was where I learned that I do better from home anyway? Whatever the case may be, I realized sometime on Thursday that I could not breathe while in choir. It would have made a difference if maybe I was standing, holding a long note? No, I was sitting and struggling to breath, I had to stop singing because my entire body could not function. I'm better now, mostly... but like... yikes.
Another yikes? Another reason for panic? The guy I'm talking with pulled up a serious topic about us, one I wasn't expecting. It makes sense given that both of us prefer longterm relationships? But it still scared the crap out of me when he started talking about kids. I think it was just my entire system trying to wake itself up, but I did my best to stay calm in all of that. The only thing I could think of was all the catastrophizing of what my life would be if I had to carry a child? It's not something I'm interested in, too much risk given how mental illness can be genetic, not to mention my health isn't the best as is? Also, all the issues with reproductive health in my family? What if I screw up myself or a kid because my body simply says no? I don't think I can handle that! ... Yeah the convo picked up later with adoption, he seems fine with that? So like, at least there's that.
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... My best friend of 6 years just ghosted me because he can't take that I'm talking to someone. I would like to scream.
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As stated earlier, my best friend of 6 years has decided to cut ties with me because he's jealous of my potential relationship with the guy I have been talking to. I don't even know how to feel? Because I thought I would be livid or screaming, crying levels of upset? But I just feel... nothing. I just feel so empty... that someone who meant so much to me only seemed to stick around at the prospect of a romantic relationship? In a time where he had done so little to try and maintain it... and I did really love and care for him. But I needed someone who I knew was going to be there for me? And... his actions were never it...
We argued for several hours last night, I didn't want to lose him... but... I don't know! He said he would have moved heaven and earth for me! But all he really did was make plans with me only to cancel them, and not talk to me when there was CLEARLY something wrong! It felt like he didn't trust me, or care, or something?! And it all just... hurts. But no one else knows. The rest of the world doesn't get to see that side of me, all the hurt and betrayal and sadness? I told mi hermano and our mutual friend, but neither of them were around much today? ... I should tell my partner... because I know this is going to tank my everything this week. The first thing it's going to impact? My diet, like usual. I'm... going to do my best not to relapse into my anorexia? But... I know that things aren't going to be easy the next couple weeks...
I'm sick, I'm tired, another year in my life is about to pass? And... I just lost my best friend. He knew how much abandonment hurt me... and... maybe that's the worst part of all of this... because I'm still not as open to my other friends. My partner doesn't know my deepest and darkest secrets yet? Though... I do need to tell him eventually. I don't know... everything hurts. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up some days... but that isn't how life works.
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I've been thinking about sitting down and writing in this again sometime? But never had the time or right headspace. Guess there's no better time than the present.
I've been sick for the past week with a mystery illness that impacts my respiratory system. I have issues breathing, talking, and unfortunately singing because of all the gunk trapped in my chest and the coughing that has majorly strained my vocal chords and diaphragm. It did drop my voice an octave which was funny though.
At the same time I was sick, my partner sends me a random message informing me he was in the ER. Nothing quite like seeing your partner the day before! Wandering around and chatting the afternoon away! ... Only to get info that they're in the hospital the next day. But of course, because he wasn't actively dying, his mystery, reoccurring chest pain wasn't cause for concern. They referred him to a cardiologist and sent him home. I'm not sure when he's going to get that checked out? But I'm worried... I didn't realize the "small tear-like pain" he described originally was that bad.
As for my ex, he and I had another argument when he tried to apologize the next day after ghosting me. Apparently I was so dead inside from all of it that mi hermano had to lovingly guilt trip me into opening up about it? I have trouble trusting others... but I know he wouldn't hurt me. But it came to the point where I essentially had to tell my ex to "Stop being an asshole and have an adult conversation."
He came around yesterday and apologized again. I'm... def taking a step back. I care a lot about him still, and I know he was hurting? But he needs to mature a little. I have a different life now, with new people I love and care about. That doesn't mean I have to leave him behind, but I want him to get better. That and I want things to work between myself and my new partner. I don't want our issues to get in the way of my partner, or want him to think I'm not invested in this new relationship.
Tl;dr - You can still love someone without being "in love" with them. Still care deeply about someone, but want some distance or boundaries. Also, being sick sucks, and the hospital also kinda sucks sometimes.
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So... for starters? I'm old. At least that's what my partner says? But he's also a dumbass lmao. My teens have officially been put to rest, and I'm a full fledged adult. It's... kinda sad, ya know? I didn't get a childhood, and now I never will. But at the same time? I have my siblings and my partner, as well as the various other people who have impacted my life. Even if I really didn't do anything for my birthday, and really haven't for like... 7 years now? It still means a lot to me that I actually have friends to do stuff with now...
Finals are coming pretty soon, and I'm getting super anxious about that. I have my first jury (music major final) which is essentially the culmination of EVERYTHING from the last 3-4 months. Even with that in mind? I have never been more... okay just to be alive. I feel like I actually have meaning! A purpose! Like I can be cautiously excited for my future. I only have those people in my life to thank. To my lurkers that keep tabs on this page? I thank you for sticking around with me thus far. It truly means more than I can express. More drama is on the way, trust me. The chisme has come from mi abuela... and I'm not even supposed to know? Things may get kinda ugly in a few months... but until then? I just want to enjoy my life.
Right... the other ugly thing. The situation with my ex. He's... been really struggling with everything. Despite the fact I am talking with a new guy? I still don't want to leave him. But... I can tell he's still hurting? I want to give him space? But... I worry about him. He told me something today that has me really worried... but given that he doesn't want to "interrupt" my new life? He won't elaborate, or tell me anything. I'm... not going to push him on the topic. I know he probably doesn't want to talk to me about what his heartbreak looks like? I'm the one who screwed up, right? There's a lot on my mind. But like... I'm happy to have my siblings and partner around. It's enough to keep going...
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Okay... so... you let yourself fall in love a little, or at least have feelings. It didn't work out. So what? You're going to be okay! That's what I keep telling myself at least. My "partner" is now my friend again, but hey, at least it's friends, and nothing less, right? It sucks, but sometimes life sucks and... well I mean there isn't much else to do about it. Just get up and keep going, because you know if you sit too long, you're going to catastrophize and make things worse. Least we're still able to chat about random crap, right?
I'm kinda out of it rn... stressed, tired, a bit hurt, but I'll be okay eventually. I don't think I'm going to try to get in another relationship anytime soon. It wasn't easy for me realizing I liked this guy, especially since it isn't something that really happens to me. Finals are coming up anyway? I'm... exhausted from it. Spent most of today sleeping. So I guess I'm not sleeping tonight.
Really sucks it had to be over the break though. My siblings are busy, so that means I have to keep myself busy in other ways. Work, walking, etc. I dunno. I'm just... out of it. I don't even remember the last few days because I was so drained from school. But it's Friday, tomorrow is Saturday. I have homework to finish. I can keep myself busy.
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You know that feeling of being alone? Of being forced to have to stop and sit with your own brain? I know they probably have other things to do... but when both of your friends disappear despite still being in class, despite you reaching out? It... kinda hurts. But you keep telling yourself they're just busy... you keep telling yourself there's other stuff going on. But you keep watching to see how they react with you.
I've felt so isolated the last few days... a lot of time to reflect. A lot of time to marinate in the piled on feelings of life. I just feel so drained... I don't want to be here right now. But I have to perform today, so it's not like I can leave. I should go eat something? But the thought of eating makes me sick. They're probably on the lunch hall anyway, why would you want to bother them when they've got their own stuff going on? Just when you thought things would be okay... you suddenly feel so abandoned again. Suck it up, it's been what... 48 hours since you've been back? It's probably nothing!
It's... weird to have the three closest ones in your circle at the moment all being guys who have at one point in time admitted to liking you romantically. A part of me still wonders what would happen if I just disappeared? They would have to move on without me, right? Would my disappearance even cross their minds? I'm just so tired... and so lost. Maybe I did shut them out? But I really haven't spoken to my siblings much in person on account of them having other things to do. I don't know right now... I just want to go back to sleep and not have to worry about the next day.
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My life is falling apart around me and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. I thought things would get easier as time went on, but it feels like I was just lifted up higher to drop and hit the floor even harder. Finals are just around the corner and I’m working my ass off to get stuff done, be productive while knowing that my social life is in pieces.
Things went from bad to worse this week and I’m really struggling to stay afloat. I have never wanted to cry so much in a class before. A part of me is angry with myself, attributing it to the “break up” but the other knows that it’s more than that. My friends will all either be changing majors, or dropping out of school altogether next semester. I will be alone again. One of my friends essentially dropped off the face of the earth, not coming to class, leaving us on opened, etc. I was the last person to talk to them… did I do something wrong? I don’t even know anymore. I can’t even wrap my head around finals!
How much is it now? Four performances next week, three days of finals, private lessons, and whatever the hell Linguistics is going to be? Finals don’t even start until the week of the 11th! We have so much more to do and I can’t handle everything going on right now! Not wanting to eat or sleep, not sure how to tell the ones left in my life what’s wrong with me? I’m exhausted, lonely, terrified, yet I can never muster up the courage to let anyone else in! I don’t know what to do… I just want to go back to sleep.
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Nope, I'm tired lmao. It's Monday and I'm already done. Rehearsals, finals, concerts all this week. Tomorrow is my "rest" day, and even then I'm running all over the place! I'm going to be so busy all this week that I may as well just knock out tonight after doing finals for linguistics, and then just... hope for the best tomorrow.
At least my social life has kinda settled down... yeah our sibling is still ghosting, but there isn't much I can do about that. I told my former partner, now friend about my traumas? He took it surprisingly well, so that's nice. My ex and I are... slowly reconciling. I don't know, just seems like when one thing goes fine? Suddenly another is out of control. Majorly screwed up an exam? Well, so did everyone else! Crap... right I have two finals scheduled at once. I have an email to write.
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… How can I describe the last 48 hours in an easy way? … I don’t even know lmao. Yesterday was supposed to be my rest day! Everything was going just fine! Sure… I still had to be on campus till 4:30, but like… eh. I had a private vocal lesson, goofed off with my colleagues, kinda just did my own thing! … Lovely ex friend tried to talk with me again, but whatever I guess. Then… due to a big mishap, the cops show up at my house.
Somehow I had become the prime suspect in a crime I didn’t commit! Petty theft of someone’s AirPods. I have an Android by the way. Who was the victim in question? MI HERMANO. My neighbor had the AirPods! But because he and I shared the same major and a pretty similar schedule? I was accused of stealing a set of headphones that were, to my knowledge, lost in September and then locked down. So… that was stressful. Casually have a panic attack because… well how were we supposed to know my neighbor had them? Both of us panicked to get while he was on call with an officer clearing my name. I didn’t sleep at all last night.
Today, wake up, go take a final I wasn’t confident on. Was terrified, screwed up pretty badly, but my prof is pretty lenient if she knows you’re trying. Rehearse with the choir, then drive 45 mins up with my SIBLING who showed up out of nowhere! Perform in the boons for money with our choir, get a standing ovation! Sure! Perform another song! 45 mins back home, drop off sib, get home. Realize… it’s almost 4 and I’ve eaten once, I have to be back at the school by 6. Make food, eat, run back to the school, rehearse. Try to leave, get chased down by your siblings that need rides back to their places- sure, fine whatever lol. Get home, immediately start studying for the final tomorrow. I wish to simply cease existence lmao, I’m so tired. Final, performance, and the big culmination test tomorrow. I am so done lmao.
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HOLY CRAP EMOTIONS ARE SCARY LMAO>