My life is a big disgusting bullcr@p because I'm in a situation where I have no rights; Which I understand why and I'm still willingly taking consequences and I wish I was tortured physically to add to my punishments. I've talked to many people and they've told me if I'm changed, I don't deserve to suffer but they're wrong. Every day I'm going into deeper levels of this hell hole where I'm staying until the day I will be given True mercy Which is unjust & never happens. Maybe I'm envious of people's happiness & joy because I didn't have and don't have it but I know I don't deserve any and If god or any of them forgive me I know it's because they want to set themselves free and leaving me into torture which is it's a truly happiness for everyone and a justified ending for me. If god or anything in this universe give me luck but not the freedom of my nightmares; I don't take it and I can't accept any future no matter how full of joy and happiness is because the time of me giving the sentence is still on and I cannot move on into a future without reuniting with one of the dearests I've lost just because I was selfish, despite how ill I was.
I have found a person that accepts this monster despite the ugliness but I want to go back to the old time when I had one of the sweetest friends and be happy with it no matter how lonely I was or she didn't check on me daily or even how I thought about everything because I am a horrible human being! I'm too horrible to have a second chance, be given a true mercy, or even be healed afterward. She got what she wished for and I want to tell her that you got it and I'm happy that my torture pleases you so much. I'm happy that my punishments ease those resentments despite the hatred. She might think that this is another freaking cr@p show I did but I hope she understands that she got what she wanted and this is the core truth of my current days.
#Someone's journal
desert kayak
Now I don't care how I feel; What do I get out of anything or my rights which now I don't have any rights. I hope those that were my victims have bright days ahead and forgive me not because of me but because of themselves to be freed of a monster they had encountered. I hope they have the best days ahead without any trouble and I want god to shelter them as best as possible.
desert kayak
Well Ig God really loves to torture me every second of my life. My mom, My granddad and now a message sent to me and my parents to get my report card. Like this is freaking great! Now my summer is ruined, turned to cr@p and I love how am I always the center of suffering. Tomorrow I'm going to be kicked out of the house for sure and my life be ruined more and more
God said freak my passions and likes; Be a goddamm robot and be quiet until I fully enjoy your torture rounds
Of course he's not here to aid me today or tomorrow. Gonna live through this freaking life with misery and broken purposes. This cr@p life has destroyed me more than ever and I want be free from it
Gonna go lay bricks for the next 40 years of my life in order to survive and pass days without hunger
I only damn these rules and walls that has kept me under life time force
Tomorrow's gonna be the worst day of my life at it's best 👌
And a summer full of opportunities has gone to a mud hole to soak and die. This times I'm in are a real resistance for my improvement
Now there's my sister instead of encouraging me to get back on a track I've gotten out of; tells me that I'm gross for been out of the track
||fuck every human being||
Why do I have to worry for her while I'm forcing myself to accept the ||bullshits|| my life forces me to hork down.
And I won't tell her until the day I'm kicked out of this ||fucking|| house and become the worst human being
Seriously why do I have to be the right person all the time I can just be a loud mouth angry kid I was and those times I was happiest the most
desert kayak
Today was not a good day and certainly tomorrow is not going to be a good day; I wanted to text my sister today about my issue but since instead of encouraging me back to the tracks she has broke my heart. Ik she's at work rn and I won't disturb her but I don't want to leave them either because I don't want to add to their trauma. She broke my heart by this comment and I doubt that if I want to open up with her again. Idk If there is a god but If there is; Please save me of my madness
I wish I could get back to my past friends and be with them rn. Maybe they didn't check on me daily but they were absolutely sweet and not rude to me if I told them my negative habits which I'm trying to fix
desert kayak
I've asked my mom to take me to a mental illnesses diagnose test. It has been more than a decade that I'm recognizing that there's something wrong with my mental health, and I should go after treatments as soon as possible. If I have a mental illness, Then I'll do anything to fix it; If there's no mental illnesses, Then I should search for another thing to help me with my current unstable life situation.
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After many years my doubts and theories came true that no human absolutely doesn't care about another or the case is more common to me. No matter how many gifts I give them and how much I am there for them, it seems that this infinite greedy hole would never ever be full of my courtesies and the selfishness of every person I've met has turned them against me.
I was wrong to have faith in people; I was wrong for giving people gifts, helping people, or even listening to their problems because all the people I met were narcissistic, self-centered, pitiful, poisoning, disgusting, and deceiving and I would be a big fool to think that there are good people are out there that actually care about what I give to them or even care about me.
Maybe I should be like other people to enjoy my life and decide to not help and instead eat for my own without returning
My anger which was months ago was right and if I'm angry for the same reason it's also right because who in the hell cares about my issues and errors and if does they lie because when I'm damaged from my closest friends that means everybody is a backstabber that tries to destroy me to the core
And I won't believe anyone anymore because all I've heard are lies and misguidances to this day. I should've done the same bullshit I've done months ago to be happy again because my happiness was cast away for other assholes and for people on this platform to enjoy it and not be grateful. I know real society is worse but I can be there to punch people and show them how angry I am. All of you are driven by selfishness, entitlement, shit show and lying which I've seen in most of the people I've met and it's certainly in every human being
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I've realized that I'm addicted to social media when I'm all alone and facing the harsh fact, I have no friends on social media which I don't see it as a huge issue. now considering one of my closest friends was alright with our cut then I've realized that people on social media actually don't care about us no matter how much we have been good to them 😕
I have my own damn problems and those "friends" only want me when they're having a problem while I drown in my own crap lake and they don't even consider it because damn being friends on social media doesn't mean real friendship but rather using another one of their own benefits