lee's journal1!1!1 | Huddle | Page 2

coral smelt Jul 1, 2023, 7:25 AM

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omg happy july!!

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im superly excited for fireworks

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it reminds me of jasper from camp camp

coral smelt Jul 1, 2023, 7:42 AM

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ok now it is 1:42 am

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i am currently working on memorizing the entire camp camp theme song

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i keep tripping on my tongue on the end of the fast part :<

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when i played with jasper today they made a lot of omori x camp camp aus

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i was superly surprised because i did not even know that they knew what omori was

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they said that they have not played omori before but they kept making stair jokes so i am quite suspicious of it

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but i am super happily that they have found a fandom that i also enjoy

coral smelt Jul 1, 2023, 10:00 AM

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now it is 4 am

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i watched a few camp camp episodes and played a fashion roulette on pony town

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i also started 2 cosplays

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but none of my friends are online

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kelsey said that he might not talk to me for the rest of the summer

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i do not know why

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i hate sleep

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i dont sleep like sleeping

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but i have to sleep

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i would probably end up falling asleep on the couch anyways

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ugh but i hate sleeping

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my only food source all night is popsicles

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for some reason this day was less hot than the others and i was able to wear a long sleeved shirt for once

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dude i have nobody else to say these things to

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i dont think jasper or kelsey would care

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i need to stop!!

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dude ive grown a liking for harrison

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his voice is so cute and sillily!!

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whenever i rewatch camp camp episodes i remember all the lines and mouth them as the characters say them and it makes me so happily

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the popsicles are melting

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ive been noticing

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almost every episode focuses on a character

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theres one called preston goodplay, where preston puts on a bunch of plays and has trouble keeping up with what other people want him to do

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theres one where david almost dies 10 times

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and literally nobody else was in the episode

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theres one where dolph was camp counselor for the day

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theres one where harrison was like a magical god for a while idk

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theres one where max was upset that his parents did not care about him

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theres one where nikki got her period

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theres one where gwen got a boyfriend

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theres one where nurf duplicated himself

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and theres literally one where a bunch of squirrels take over

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thats not even all of them

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and i know thats normal for a cartoon but i just find it superly interesting

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at first my favorite color was pink

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then sage green

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then orange

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then brown

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and now blue

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so i dont know anymore

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im exploding

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it is 4:27 am, my phone is at 13 percent, and i am listening to can ghosts be gay by carpetgarden!!

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why cant i just sleep early

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im going to cry

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why is nobody counting :<

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i wish to count

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i am just watching as my alarms go off

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i might to go sleep at 5 am and wake up at 7 am

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my hair looks like erin

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explodes

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dude i love jasper from camp camp

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when i type autistic or autism my keyboard gives the laughing emoji :<

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i need to stop saying random things

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maybe i should invest in melatonin

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then i would be able to sleep

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my entire body hurts

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i have a bruise on my head

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i have scratches on my leg because of my sister

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my leg is cramping

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my knuckles are pain

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its superly hot

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and im superly uncomfortable

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i just hallucinated an ant

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dude i love harvey by alex g

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i need to sleep now

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i drew something on my wall

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i put star stickers on my wall

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i need to clean

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stop talking

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the first time i went to see a therapist they literally said "what is said in here stays in here" and i have been warned by other people before so i was trying not to explode at that moment

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dude i just felt something on my finger

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but there was nothing there

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after the appointment was over my mom kept asking me what we talked about but i did not want to tell her anything

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the last time i went there me and my therapist played connect 4

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i think i like that better than normal

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also when i was there i saw my friend from school scarlet

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i just hallucinated a dot on the wall zoomies i think

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tw : suicide, self harm
|| dude on time i had a dream about jumping off a bride and my mom finding out about my self harm even if she did already ||

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dude my time by bo en just came on!!

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i miss my omori phase

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no i do not camp camp is better

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i still have not changed my home screen to harriston

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preston and harrison

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dude it is superly odd

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i ship harrison x preston, and harrison x nerris

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and from omori i ship sunny x basil, sunny x aubrey, and sunny x kel

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it is making me explode

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im generally wondering if omori and south park are my hyperfixations anymore

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i never think about them unless somebody else brings them up

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camp camp never leaves my mind

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camping rp? camp camp

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magic rp? camp camp

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shoe box? camp camp

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platypus? camp camp

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literal names of camp camp characters not supposed to be inspired by camp camp characters? camp camp

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everything is a camp camp reference

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i could be playing adopt me and my pet wants to go camping

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i would immediately think of the camp camp theme song

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i could be swimming and think of camp camp

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drinking a caprisun

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im exploding

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it is now 4:50 am so i think i will get ready for sleep

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i sat here for 50 minutes and typed.

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dude

coral smelt Jul 1, 2023, 4:43 PM

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tw : self harm
|| i had a dream where i relapsed, again ||
|| that is all ||

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it is sossosso hot but not as hot as the other days

coral smelt Jul 1, 2023, 7:47 PM

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ok i played roblox all day and also my step dad got omori again so i am on a mission to beat kim and vance

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also i have some chicken nuggets

coral smelt Jul 2, 2023, 1:27 AM

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probably maybe nobody is going to message me all summer unless i messaged them first

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today i was inside all day while my siblings were outside

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and my parents did not bother me at all

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so it was relaxing

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but my phone is not charging and i am superly bored and sad about it

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somebody from this server messaged me about a simple question they had and i was superly terrified

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i havee 0 pingss

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explodes

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im counting down the days until the new camp camp episode comes out

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even if i have no idea when

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i do know that it is some time this month

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maybe in 13 days i think

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i do not remember

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but every day i will check the rooster teeth website to make sure

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i do not think i ate today at all

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i had some water and soda but nothing else

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and when my parents called me for dinner there was a lot of pizza but i did not feel like eating at all

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woa i just got superly dizzy all of a sudden

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i got a cool popping fidget

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if my phone does not charge, then tonight i will read a book

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it is on 12 percent and it is on the charger, but it is not charging

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i hate my phone but i love it so much

coral smelt Jul 2, 2023, 4:39 AM

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me and my little sister watched a movie

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and i made a little doodle of preston from camp camp

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that i might show

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never

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explodes

coral smelt Jul 2, 2023, 5:40 AM

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time for sleep

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yippee

coral smelt Jul 2, 2023, 6:15 PM

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dude i woke up like superly early but i did not feel like getting up at all

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so i lied in bed for 6 more hours

coral smelt Jul 2, 2023, 8:42 PM

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i started to watch episode 4 or 3 idk of somebody playing omori but i stopped of boredom

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i also joined an art server that i found from pony town

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there are a lot of talented artists but i think i still want to share my art with them

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my phone is finally charging

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superly slowly but charging

coral smelt Jul 2, 2023, 9:30 PM

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ok i remade my omori phone layout into a camp camp phone layout

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i feel so mean

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like omori is just dying now

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i hope i do not stop playing it

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oh and by camp camp i mean images of preston and harrison together

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anyways

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now im going to clean out my photos

coral smelt Jul 2, 2023, 10:03 PM

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ok i am done

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my cousin is here but he is just playing roblox with my little sister

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the xbox controllers are dead again!!

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it happens a lot when you have 2 other electronic obsessed siblings

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i have a pickle

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yippee food

coral smelt Jul 2, 2023, 10:30 PM

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currently i am hearing my little sister and cousin scream over a horror game

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dude when i joined the art server somebody had written the lyrics to a song

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the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny by lemon demon!!

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i immediately recognized it and i got superly happy

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nobody ever knows that song

coral smelt Jul 2, 2023, 11:19 PM

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i took a camp camp quiz and i got nerris!!

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the other kids are outside and my parents are being superly annoying loud and stupid and i kind of want to explode right now

coral smelt Jul 3, 2023, 1:12 AM

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numbers are superly interesting

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my phone is at 71 percent and it was 7:11 pm

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woaaz

coral smelt Jul 4, 2023, 5:31 AM

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ok i took a break i think

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i finished watching a youtuber play omori and he was so confused about what basil had to do with the truth and i was exploding the entire time

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he got the good ending i think

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i saw jasper in a total drama island cosplay and they were with another tdi cosplayer so i did not bother them

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ughugh ugh just choose one obsession to stay obsessed with!!

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i was not on my phone all day but i played minecraft with my sister a lot and cleaned up a bit

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tw : self harm
|| also i relapsed so thats fun ||

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i am superly bored now

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tonight i will read more but for now i will listen to music and play pony town

coral smelt Jul 4, 2023, 6:35 AM

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ok i played for a bit but jasper was not online so i joined discord servers from pony town but most of the time i was just anti social and i did not say a word

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happy environmental destruction day

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i do not know if i will celebrate 4th of july

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maybe just poppers

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those tiny explodies you throw on the ground

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i love those

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i discovered an alex g song called boy

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and

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idk it is

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i love it

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i am so superly hungry and i am in pain

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this night i had popsicles and water

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stace is going to found out that zaida is an alien omfomgogmgogmogm!!

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i hate stace with a burning passion

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i can not wait for the new episode i need money!!

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though i am sure he knew the entire time

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but they are about to find out that he found out!!

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i hope that zaida does not lose her job

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i hate these clothes

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they are superly uncomfortable

coral smelt Jul 4, 2023, 7:42 AM

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i told myself 3 tiktok videos

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that did not work

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i literally watched so many camp camp videos and i am actually exploding

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i am in pain

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when is the new episode coming out?1!?1!1?!

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ugh i did not even read yet

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i do not want to read

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die book

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i hate my hair

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i need food

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ugh

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good bye

coral smelt Jul 4, 2023, 7:50 PM

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i just came out of my room and my mom told me to do a wooden owl marker coloring kit thing because my step dad needs it for work for whatever reason

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and i am superly confused

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but i threw away the markers and got some colored pencils because markers suck

coral smelt Jul 4, 2023, 8:12 PM

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one of my tiktok mutuals actually asked me if i wanted to watch camp camp with them but i could not because i was doing that!!

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:<

coral smelt Jul 4, 2023, 8:41 PM

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recently jasper i think told me that they were a system and i was supportive, but i have no idea what a system is

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their friend who is also a system helped explain, but i still did not understand, so i searched it on tiktok and it helped me more, but i made mistakes like umum

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idk

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maybe saying their name to them while they were umum

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help me

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idk how to explain it

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saying their name while they were as one of their alters?1!1?1

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i have no idea but i think that is wrong

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and i am thinking that i should not refer to them as jasper here as well

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but i do not know what to call them

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when i asked their friend about systems and alters i was not understanding the big words and stuff

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so i asked questions and while i was asking those questions i refered to their friend with singular pronouns

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i do not know if they use singular or plural pronouns but i am scared to ask just in case

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so i do not know what to do

coral smelt Jul 4, 2023, 10:59 PM

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dude i was in my preston cosplay on pony town and somebody came up to me and gave me a crown!!

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i normally would not write down every time i get a crown but this time when i said thank you to them, they said "ofc dude!" and it actually made me so happy!1!1!!1

coral smelt Jul 5, 2023, 3:01 AM

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i am watching fireworks right now

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they are superly scary

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i think i got bit by a lot of bugs

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but i am talking to rowan and jassie now and they are also watching

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rowan also likes camp camp so that is good

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kelsey also sent me a heart so at least i know they are ok

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these fireworks remind me of jasper from camp camp

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my mom keeps asking me to go sit with her

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i just want to be alone and enjoy this!1!1!

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i saw a strawberry firework!!

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rowan asked me if i do not like omori anymore and if i liked camp camp now :<

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i do not know what it is but every year at 4th of july i imagine myself in that same place next year

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i remember doing it last year and the year before that

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and i will probably do it next year too

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why are the fireworks screaming :<

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my siblings are racing

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my siblings hit me on the head.

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ok

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jesus they r so loud

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the fireworks and my siblings

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me rn with my phone

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its so coldd

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i am twitching

coral smelt Jul 5, 2023, 6:06 AM

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woo

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i watched two movies and watched a few youtube videos

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i have no idea if my phone is charging but oh well

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i might read soon but for now i will just be on my phone and listen to music

coral smelt Jul 5, 2023, 6:41 AM

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it is soo hot in my room

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i just worked on my failure of a discord server for 40 minutes

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i almost threw up

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dude i remember like a week ago

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i was playing a fashion roulette on pony town and we were in the closets

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i saw somebody say "i say yippee all the time, so i think i have autism"

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i was

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i was baffled bro

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who the actual heck would say, i have autism because i say yippee a lot

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it is like their trying to have autism

coral smelt Jul 5, 2023, 7:08 AM

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im explodingg

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i just lost all my motivation to read

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uggghhhh

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i want to watch the new episode so badlyyy

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i got water

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..

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summer camp is only for summer

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and you might not go there again!!

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i have cried because of this thought

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what if all the children split up

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maybe this is why rooster teeth does not want to make season 5

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max will be superly upset about it

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i do not want it to enddd

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ughhhgg

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i want to finish my harrison tint so i can make his name "lets saw him in half!" but i do not feel like itt

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why can motivation not just happen

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im losing my mind

coral smelt Jul 5, 2023, 8:06 AM

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i played a fashion roulette for a bit but i left mid game because i actually feel tired

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it is 2:05 am now

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byebyee

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coral smelt Jul 5, 2023, 11:32 AM

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dude

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i woke up at 5:30 am to the song hansel by sodikken

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and when the song finished i tried going back to sleep but i could not

coral smelt Jul 5, 2023, 12:33 PM

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i can not tell if its the lack of sleep or the air blowing in my eyes but it hurts to blink

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i tried sitting in the living room but as always my step dad got mad at me and told me to move

coral smelt Jul 5, 2023, 1:11 PM

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i just scrolled on tiktok for 40 minutes

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i feel like im about to throw up and i feel superly tired but i do not feel like sleeping

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i should just stop going out of my room

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because every time i do, i always do something wrong and get in trouble

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for simply sitting on a couch where my sister was sleeping, even if she was no where near me and i was making no noise whatsoever,

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my step dad got mad at me again

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since he told me to move i decided to go down back to my room again to avoid conflict

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but he got mad at me again because i didnt let him finish talking

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and when he was yelling and me to listen to him and stop sitting there, i kept telling him ok

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when i tell him ok he gets mad and says "no its not ok" even if im just accepting his words and he does not understand it

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and even my mom told him that i did not say it was ok

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he does that all the time and i feel like i cant even say anything without him burdening me about it

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if i just stay in my room i wont cause any problems

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also i am superly hungry and i wish to play on the xbox

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but i will just try to read

coral smelt Jul 5, 2023, 1:54 PM

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ok i finished the book

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also i asked jasper last night and they said that i could still call them jasper

coral smelt Jul 5, 2023, 3:55 PM

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i have just been playing pony town for 2 hours

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i feel so hungry i am about to pass out

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i was playing until jasper went online, then i went over to jasper, but they were with another one of their friends, so i decided to play alone for a bit more

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later i went back and just sat there

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i asked jasper a question but they stared directly at me and did not say anything

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then jasper was talking to their friend about all the songs they like

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one time they mentioned cavetown and i wanted to say something but i didnt because i loved cavetown as well

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but maybe i shouldve said something because then a stranger came up to jasper and said how much they loved cavetown as well

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jasper didnt ignore them, but they didnt respond to me

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and idk it just made me cry but maybe im just being dramatic

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i sat there and slept while those 3 talked about their music tastes

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then i just randomly left

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i tried showing multiple signs that i was active but they didnt say a word to me

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now its 10:00 am

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i havent eaten for 12 hours, im super uncomfortable, tired, my eyes burn, im hot, and im thirsty

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i do not think i have left my room for any reason besides getting water

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i dont want to go out of my room or interact with my family

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my siblings are not awake yet

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i want to be able to comfort jasper, and maybe i am jealous of jaspers closer friends, but i just dont want to lose them, considering their one of my favorite people

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and basically my only friend who shares all of my interests

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we both like spooky month, south park, omori, and camp camp, and more

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and they have vented to me multiple times and i try my best to help them

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once when i vented to them, they turned the vent to themselves , but maybe i did not understand

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yippee level 20

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maybe since my siblings have not woken up yet, i will go make some waffles

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i am back

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whenever i have not eaten anything in a long time, when i eat again, it hurts

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this expired bread is so good

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everything i look at looks so fuzzy

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im so lonelyy

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maybe if i just stay in my room my parents wont ask me of anything, talk to me, yell at me, or anything

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i have everything i need

coral smelt Jul 6, 2023, 12:19 AM

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i finally got out of my room to play with my sister

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also i played with jasper and i was superly happy about that

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somebody from pony town added me on discord without me knowing

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3 hours later i accepted it

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i said hi and they immediately responded with "hi i saw your fnaf cosplay and i gave you a rose"

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but i have no fnaf cosplays

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they swore that it was me but i wasnt and i am superly confused

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how did they niss the fnaf cosplay, click my profile instead, and add me on discord from there without seeing the pony

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i was literally in a camp camp cosplay

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im in pain

coral smelt Jul 6, 2023, 2:54 AM

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i want to ask my sister to stop calling me by my old name but i am scared to

coral smelt Jul 6, 2023, 4:39 AM

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me and jasper played in our omori cosplays for a bit until they got tried

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then i played a fashion roulette alone

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and now its over

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and i have nothing to do

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kelsey keeps sending messages and deleting them hoping that i dont see them

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even if he said nothing wrong

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now it is 10:41 pm and my phone is at 23 percent

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before, chris told me that lee (my spanish friend) did not have discord,

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but this time when i asked he said that lee did

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and i asked if he could ask lee if i could have it

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and chris said that lee was busy and maybe later

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so i will try again in maybe a few hours

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also chris is only 1 hour ahead of me

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so we almost have the same time

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what is saronna even talking about

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im sure theres a lot of people who dont understand what i am talking about but

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maybe she just isnt english

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i have no idea

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my step dad brought pizza but i only ate a few bites before throwing it away

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grr

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also i finished my tint on harrison in pony town

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finally

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i think he looks superly cute than before!!

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my sister wont watch maya the bee #2 with me :<

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grr

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i cant remember the last time i actually looked in a mirror

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i stopped i think to help me feel better about myself

coral smelt Jul 6, 2023, 6:04 AM

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having short hair is so much easier to brush

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i dont have short hair but its way shorter than before

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its so hot :<

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i think that chris is asleep so i cant ask him for his discord

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i might just go to sleep since nobody else is online

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ok now i have a fan blowing directly on to me

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now it is 12:09 am

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grr i want to the new camp camp episode :<

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but the voicesss

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i will miss nerriss voice the most :<

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good byee

coral smelt Jul 6, 2023, 8:11 PM

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my parents said we are going swimming again today

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its so hot

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in my entire house

coral smelt Jul 6, 2023, 10:52 PM

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nvm they lied again its tomorrow

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my parents and little brother are at my step grandmas house so im basically alone since my little sister is watching tv in her room

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kelsey said that they missed me which im actually surprised about

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also i can successfully sing the entire camp camp intro

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its just hard to breathe

coral smelt Jul 6, 2023, 11:34 PM

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hunter added me for some reason, i asked "what" in our dms and a few minutes later he responded by saying "hi" and asked about what happened to omori

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i said "i labeled it as one of my hyperfixations but when i discovered camp camp i could not stop thinking about camp camp to the point where it became a problem" "i still like omori tho"

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he has not responded

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his status still says that he is friends with cailyn

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hunter just sent a meme he made from when we were friends

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regarding my old name

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and i have no idea how to respond to it

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i responded with a camp camp gif

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im going to fukcijg explode

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hunter said he added me because he was bored

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he has not responded to the camp camp gif

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explodes

coral smelt Jul 7, 2023, 4:56 AM

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hunter said "holy shit ur a dude omg" in capital letters which he never does

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after reading my pronouns im assuming

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what worries me is that him and cailyn will make fun of me for it

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i dont know

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but when i read that my heart dropped to my stomach

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i just responded by saying "what" partially because

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he just sent an image of my pronouns.

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because i think i found my gender, which is not a dude but im not sure yet

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but also because even if my pronouns are he / they i think it does not mean i would be a dude

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also its weird to say that to someone

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i said "yeah but that does not mean im a dude"

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i never know what to say to things like that

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sometimes when i play pony town and somebody assumes i use she / her pronouns i get upset and say "im a boy." and i have no idea why!!

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i do not think that hunter will respond

coral smelt Jul 7, 2023, 6:46 AM

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auauuauuhhhhgggfgfh

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i just got a tiktok video of somebody telling me to sleep

coral smelt Jul 7, 2023, 8:03 AM

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goes to sleep aggressively 2 hours later

coral smelt Jul 7, 2023, 4:48 PM

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every morning im just trying not to faint because of the heat

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i need a frozen water bottle, a freezer, and cold water bottle, a fan, fresh air, and breathing exercises

coral smelt Jul 7, 2023, 5:07 PM

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ahahaajotmhhomhohmhoh

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i got so many tiktoks from my camp camp mutuals saying that the new camp camp episode is today in like 7 flfucking minutes

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if i would have known i would have gotten up earlier

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i cannot contain my emotions rn

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explodes

coral smelt Jul 8, 2023, 6:08 AM

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long story short i cant find where to watch the new episode, so i cant, but just like the owl house season finale, i did end up watching it, so i have hope

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i will watch that episode before i die by all means necessary

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also my entire family is awake at 12:08 am because we just finished watching a movie

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i played pony town with jasper for a bit and i also figured out that they ship sunny x kel, and now sunny x basil!!

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hunter has not responded yet

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oh also we are going swimming tomorrow instead

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idk why it keeps getting pushed back

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thats all my parents ever do

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they say that we will do something this day and something always comes up so we never get to do it

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my step dad wont be there with us because he will be busy but i think i like that better

#

now i am just going to relax, listen to music, and play pony town

coral smelt Jul 8, 2023, 7:34 AM

#

ok i made space kid in pony town and now he needs a tint

#

but i do not feel like it

#

also i want to send a camp camp meme in a server im in but im superly scared that they will think im weird

#

its 1:35 am now and i have to wake up at 5 to go swimming at 10 am tomorrow so i will go to sleep maybe

#

bye

coral smelt Jul 8, 2023, 12:14 PM

#

I JUST WOKE UP AND NOTHIJG CAN DESCRIBE HOW HAPPY I AM

#

SOMEHOW I DIDNT SEE THE TIKTOKS EARLIER

#

I GOT THE DATE FOR THE NEW EPISODE WRONG BUT WE ARE LITERALLY GETTING A WHOLE NEW SEASON OF CAMP CAMP IN 2024

#

I CANTTTT

#

SO MANY OF MY MUTUALS POSTED ABOUT IT

#

ITS THE FIRST THING I WOKE UP TO

#

NOW ITS 6:15 AM

#

AND ONLY MY SISTER IS AWAKE

#

I TOLD HER BUT SHE DOESNT CARE AT ALL AAAAAAAAAAH

#

IM CRYING

#

SO FAR TODAY IS RED HEART AAAAAH

#

i feel like living again

#

there is something to live for1!1!1!1!

#

AAAAAAAAAAH

coral smelt Jul 8, 2023, 1:33 PM

#

my mouth is in pain and i want to eat but i dont feel like it but i am superly hungry

#

i cannot stop thinking of camp camp!!

#

i have to stop

#

just 6 more months

#

i can live

#

now it is 7:33 am and all i did was watch tiktok

coral smelt Jul 8, 2023, 2:19 PM

#

whatever forget the pool

#

my mom doesnt care at all

#

tw : self harm
|| i tried to stay clean so i would feel ok at the pool but it doesnt matter now i think ||

#

we misunderstood what our mom said and she got mad at us for waking her up so early, so she started yelling at me, my 6 year old brother, and my 12 year old sister at the top of her lungs

#

even if i was trying to stay calm the whole time i was talking to her, she kept yelling and whatever i said she would get mad at me for

#

she even yelled my name and stomped up to me and grabbed my arms tightly

#

whenever she does that i always think she would hit me

#

she also spilled my drink and got mad at me for it

#

she blamed us for talking and trying to reason with her so she said that we never let her talk, or listen

#

even if i was listening the entire time

#

i guess the good news this morning was way too good to be true

#

she kept promising for weeks that we would go to the pool, and she has does this every time since we were younger,

#

she would kept pushing back the moments we actually looked forward to

#

and while she was yelling at us i was scared and wanted to type here so when she was finished i went back to my room

#

i was about to start typing but i could hear her footsteps so i hid my phone under the pillow

#

maybe if she didnt see the phone she wouldnt think to take it away

#

and it worked

#

but she yelled at me saying to go back out to the living room so she can finish yelling at us

#

she actually said that

#

at this point all 3 of us were crying and we were scared

#

most of the time my mom was just yelling but after she started blaming us for "never letting her talk" she started crying

#

and she said a lot of stuff about how we "make her yell"

#

even if im only 13 i know if i have children i want to be nothing like her.

#

i dont want to yell at children ever

#

at first my brother blamed me for being too loud

#

then he blamed our mom for not letting us go to the pool

#

he said he wished she was out of the house

#

i know he doesnt mean that

#

it might not seem like a big deal but all 3 of us were probably shaking in fear

#

she didnt care if all 3 of us were crying and afraid while she was yelling at us for something we didnt understand

#

the fact that she actually told me to come back out there so she can finish yelling at us is shocking to me

#

one time she said she didnt care about my feelings but hopefully she doesnt mean any of it

#

i was so scared when she started slamming her door over and over again

#

she just came out here so i put my phone under my leg

#

she usually only takes my phone, not my sisters or brothers

#

she also knows my password so she could read all of this if she wanted to

#

when she came out here she was doing something at the microwave, but i tried not to look at her

#

she slammed the door so im assuming she was still mad

#

i can hear her ash tray in her room

#

she came out here and said for us to get ready

#

i dont know what time we have to be there but for some reason she changed her mind

#

my brother said "finally" in a relaxed tone but she still yelled at him for that

#

i would always defend my brother when she does that

#

i get scared she will yell at me too but oh well

#

i dont know what to wear

#

sometimes i wonder if my real dad would do the same thing if he were here

#

i just try not to think about it

#

as im changing into my bathing suit i didnt know my mom was screaming at me to come get my clothes to wear over it

#

my sister came to tell me so i went out

#

my mom got mad that i didnt hear her and started yelling again

#

she threw my clothes at me

#

i told her i didnt hear her because if i did i obviously would have went

#

its making me not want to go at all

#

its so hard to breathe in this

#

my hands are still shaking

#

i asked her when we were going and she got mad at me for forgetting when we were going

#

my brother said its ok to me but my mom got mad at him and said mind your own business or something

#

my whole family keeps calling me by my old name

#

i was playing pony town and a stranger called me lee

#

whenever i interact with my family it never goes well

#

my nom got mad at me because im always on my phone happily talking to strangers because when i talk to people /my family in real life, i never smile or i dont talk loud enough

#

thats what she said at least

#

maybe its because my family doesnt share the same interests as me or talk very nicely to me like jasper does

#

even strangers online are nice

#

ive known my family for 13 years and i dont think i enjoy talking to them as much as i do jasper

#

my siblings so easily forgot what just happened and are talking to her like their her little angels or whatever

#

my mom was yelling at me for a simple mistake i made

#

she asked me why i was crying

#

i wonder why

#

she literally asked me to let her finish yelling at us

#

she knows shes yelling and she chooses to yell

#

even if i feel like yelling at her sometimes i just try to stay calm

#

jasper is always nice to me no matter what even if we have disagreements

#

sometimes i get jealous when jasper is with their other friends, (they have a lot of friends) ,

#

but jasper always makes time for me

#

ever since we met one fashion roulette on pony town, we have both shared special interests

#

even if they like other stuff like pokemon and kajiu paradise, we both like omori and camp camp

#

we always play fashion roulettes or mafias together and if we both like a ship from a fandom we are in, we can cuddle together and that would be our thing for that period of time

#

when we both really liked spooky month jasper was scared to tell me that they shipped skid x pump

#

since all their other friends hated them for it

#

i see skid and pump more as besties but it wouldnt be a bad ship at all

#

so i would never leave jasper just for that

#

i dont think i could ever have that with my parents or siblings even

#

at this point my face is just dried from tears

#

i feel like im going to pass out and i didnt eat my sandwich because

#

because disgusting

#

dude every time my mom comes out into the living room i actually stop breathing hoping she doesnt take my phone

#

besides from my siblings i guess my phone is the only other thing that actually makes me smile and that sounds so cheesy dude

#

but its true

#

ughghgh 6 more months

#

i wonder if the entire series will be out by 2024 or just single episodes all throughout 2024

#

i think i am fine with either one

#

i will probably just

#

go to see if jaspers online then go to add a tint to my space kid cosplay

#

anyway

coral smelt Jul 8, 2023, 3:32 PM

#

ok nvm i quiet and jasper is not online

#

they havent been online for 10 hours!!

#

i cant hear

#

i cant hear

#

i cant hear out of my left ear

#

kelsey has not messaged me

#

every single one of my friends are offline

#

theres nothing from the group chat

#

hunter hasnt said anything yet

#

and im

#

bored

#

ok i can hear now

#

my mom said that she would take me to therapy but she hasnt yet

#

she said she would like a month ago

#

i am actually sweating

#

amd this bathing suit makes me feel superly insecure

#

yippily level 21

#

my skin feels fake

#

my sister started to actually watch camp camp with me

#

a gave her a lot of spoilers but she still wants to watch it

#

i wanted her to watch season 1 episode 6, cult camp

#

but she wanted to watch it from the beginning

#

now we are on episode 3 or 4 i think

#

so i might watch it with her again before we go

#

explodes

#

nouns is also a really good artist that i think is underrated

#

i do not know a lot of songs by them or anything about the creator

#

maybe just school bus and dumped is all i can remember

#

its also kind of hard to tell what the lyrics are but i know a lot of artists who have that kind of music

#

uffrhheg

#

ok now im going

coral smelt Jul 8, 2023, 10:19 PM

#

ok im back

#

i had fun i think but i think im allergic to one of the chemicals or something idk because my arm got red

#

but its better now

#

when we got out of the pool we went shopping

#

then i came home to play xbox with my sister

#

and now im eating grapes and listening to music alone in my room

#

i lovee grapes

#

i cant stop reading my own messages, (in my head) in harrisons voice

#

help

#

i might see if jasper is online and make some skins on pony town

coral smelt Jul 8, 2023, 11:37 PM

#

ok i lied i actually said i few words to jasper then hosted a fashion roulette which is surprising because i always get anxious around strangers

#

but i made it through!!

#

my phone is at 45 percent and it is 5:37 pm

#

im exploding

coral smelt Jul 9, 2023, 1:29 AM

#

okz i played with jasper for a bit and me and them hung out with their 2 other friends

#

but my phone battery is at 13 percent and now it is 7:30 pm so i will maybe draw and listen to music

coral smelt Jul 10, 2023, 3:01 AM

#

hi im back

#

anyways im going to play with jasper

coral smelt Jul 10, 2023, 7:40 AM

#

happy july 10th

#

i cant sleep

#

i already took melatonin

#

when i was gone for not a long while yesterday my mom took my phone because i got upset at her

#

basically while i was using the bathroom she came in and got mad at me for using the phrase "what the hell"

#

then i told her ok and asked if she could leave while i was using the bathroom and closed the door

#

then she opened the door again and got mad at me for "slamming the door in her face"

#

and just because of that she decided to take away my phone

#

after that i just wrote a paper

#

the paper was like me talking to her and since i could not talk here i felt like it was best

#

i wrote about how insecure i was and how i hated my entire body and that nobody could change my mind

#

that was only part of the reason i didnt want her literally watching me

#

i said that i was 13 not 5 anymore, and if i was in a situation like that with my child i would look away and apologize to them

#

especially if they asked for me not to look

#

i said that i didnt understand why she took it; was i supposed to not feel uncomfortable?

#

tw : self harm
|| i relapsed after writing it that night then i felt guilty ||

#

but of course after i wrote it i felt better and decided not to give it to her

#

for one she would be mad and second she would be upset and probably cry over it

#

but after i did that i also cleaned my room as quickly as i could before i felt tired

#

i feel superly accomplished about that even if it is still a bit messy

#

today i wanted to make a playlist on spotify and play with jasper because i was superly lonely just watching camp camp with my little sister all day because the xbox batteries were dead

#

so while my mom was showering i knocked on the door and she answered normally

#

i didnt open the door or anything unlike somebody!!

#

so when she answered i asked if i could have it back and she said no and i asked why and she said because she was showering

#

which is the worst excuse ever

#

i knew she would probably say no but i couldnt help but cry

#

then i stopped and sat on the floor thinking of what to do

#

then i drew for a bit until she finally came into my room, again without knocking, and gave me my phone

#

which before it was on 25 percent, and before i gave it to her i had powered it off, but she must have powered it on and went through it without a care in the world

#

because then it was on 3 percent

#

i said nothing about that but when she left i thought she had went through it

#

not that i have anything to hide other than this

#

but she must have not seen this because otherwise she would have had a long scary conversation with me about it

#

currently everything im typing is being translated to harrisons voice inside my head and i cannot stop

#

soon i got over it and now i am going to burn the paper i wrote /joke

#

i finally think i found my art style

#

anyways jasper is sleeping so i will maybe play pony town alone

coral smelt Jul 10, 2023, 8:27 AM

#

so i got into an argument with somebody on there

#

nothing else

#

and even if my cheap phone is on the dang charger, it is not charging, so i will have no choice but to sleep

#

try to sleep

#

but i still love my phone with all my heart

#

basically i saw somebody whos like "dont mind the name"

#

i was in the spooky month area cosplaying as pump

#

so i obviously looked at their name even if they were just seeking for attention

#

and it said "strebers neck kisser" as they were cosplaying ethan from spooky month

#

i immediately whispered them saying that its a horrible ship because ethan and streber are brothers, or at least thats what i thought

#

because they have the exact same hair

#

and streber x kevin is already canon

#

but the person was saying how fangz made ethan as original oc and confirmed that they werent brothers

#

but i kept arguing with them

#

then they insulted me and called me a kid who probably has a cringe spooky month tiktok page

#

i just accepted that that shipped it and said ok

#

then the person said "im ending this conversation" so i said ok again

#

and since my phone is so low of battery i decided to leave

#

i took a sleep gummy but i still feel no inch of tired

#

the only food source i have is probably

#

my fingernails

#

oh and also water

#

ok i got myself a lunchable

#

i dont care how old i am these are superior

#

i choked on water

#

help

#

lunchables are so disgusting

#

i love them so much

#

i will sleep now

#

try to sleep

#

good night !!

coral smelt Jul 10, 2023, 5:58 PM

#

i had a dream about almost dying

#

um

#

ive been having dreams about death a lot more recently

#

there was a train accident, an earthquake, and a fire

#

but i survived in all of them

#

and people who i loved either got hurt or died

#

anyways

coral smelt Jul 10, 2023, 9:52 PM

#

today i drew streber from spooky month

#

and now im listening to a spooky month playlist

#

the song ruler of everything by tally hall reminds me of spooky month and when me and jasper were really obsessed with it

#

it brings so many memoriesss

#

i want to remake all of my spooky month skins on pony town but i dont know how jasper would react

#

i keep asking kelsey if hes ok but they keep responding with omnomnom

coral smelt Jul 11, 2023, 12:51 AM

#

i cant see anything

#

my glasses are causing sensory issues on my face

#

i lowkey feel like im racing mizzu

#

i must not let them pass me

#

i made 2 little sets of couples

#

drew kevin and streber from spooky month and preston and harrison from camp camp

#

then i cut them out and now theyre like squishy paper dolls!!

#

i tried playing with jasper and they were online but they went offline as soon as i said hi to them

#

and now i am listening to a kevin x streber playlist on youtube

#

i think i like the youtube one better than the spotify one

#

its so hard to type without my glasses

#

i keep getting sad when my family calls me by my old name but i cant really say anything about it because i havent told them yet

#

it just makes me upset even when they scream or yell my old name

#

my little sister always yells my old name when shes mad at me even when i did nothing wrong

#

my phone is on 52 percent and it is 7:00 pm

#

i am superly bored and alone

#

but look

#

it is preston

#

sparkly eye!!

coral smelt Jul 11, 2023, 3:52 AM

#

i played with jasper for a bit on pony town

#

also i watched tiktok until 7:30 pm

#

and now it is almost 10:00 pm

#

i also am on season 2 episode 6 of camp camp with my sister

#

so she finally watched cult camp with me

coral smelt Jul 11, 2023, 4:50 AM

#

my teeth hurt because whenever i feel stressed i clench my jaw for like a long time

#

and when i stop they hurt

#

anyways i hosted a fashion roulette and it was so scary

#

but i lived

#

if i keep hosting them maybe i will get better at socializing

#

anyways while i was doing that i didnt realize that my step dad came home from work

#

he always brings pizza when he gets home but when i went out of my room there was none left

#

if i got pizza i probably wouldnt have eaten it but it hurts that they didnt think to offer me any

#

its ok though

#

when my mom saw me ask if my step dad was here she probably remembered so while i was typing she came in my room and asked me if i wanted any

#

i kept typing and said no in a perfectly normal tone

#

she said what and i said no again louder so she could her me

#

i dont like looking at people when i talk to them or they talk to me because it makes me uncomfortable but she got mad at me and told me to look up

#

i looked up and said no for a third time and she said thank you in a mean tone

#

when my mom is mad at me she is either raising her voice or yelling, so i would have attitude back, and when i had a problem with that she would tell me that she wont stop yelling until i fix my attitude so i tried to work on that

#

now even if im upset i will just hold back my tears and talk in a normal tone

#

but when shes upset she still yells at me

#

its the same for my step dad

#

anyways now its 11:00 pm and my phone is at 39 percent

#

but i have nothing to do

#

so i will just play pony town alone again and hope none of my family members talk to me

#

this morning my family brought a watermelon and i specifically remember it because its obviously an omori reference

#

but later that day i forgot when they bought it

#

it was like

#

i couldnt remember at all

#

i didnt know if it was a dream

#

or if it was deja vu

#

but i couldnt remember but my sister reminded me that it was today

#

it didnt feel real

#

anyways byebye

coral smelt Jul 11, 2023, 7:52 AM

#

i asked chris some questions

#

which he can answer when he wakes up

#

now its 1:53 am

#

i spent some time in the spanish pony town server and i met 2 omori fans

#

i gave one of them a quaso

#

and they spoke a bit of english so they asked me to help them get omori fans for to find an omori zone

#

so i did that and i recruited 2 members

#

so there was 6 of us in total since they recruited 1

#

but the spanish was hurting my brain so i said good sleep mari and they said good sleep kel

#

and then i left

#

i have like 4 questions that chris has not answered about spanish and lee (my friend)

#

my glasses are still hurting my face

#

they never hurt me before

#

ive just been interacting with 6 bit ponies on my phone and listening to music for hours

#

nobody is onlineee

#

i remember that one night where i could hear a certain song even if i didnt know the lyrics at all

#

that was a night where i didnt sleep at all so maybe that was why

#

because i cant hear it anymore

#

ive just sat here in bed for 15 minutes petting my bear plushie and staring at everything i see

#

im losing my mind

#

im tired but i dont want to sleep

#

i hate sleep

#

i could stay up and not sleep

#

or i could sleep now and wake up at 2 pm in the afternoon

#

before i sleep i dont feel that tired but when i wake up i feel way tireder

#

also its superly hot and uncomfortable right now

#

whgeuehwjw

#

i will just try to

#

good night

coral smelt Jul 11, 2023, 7:24 PM

#

chris answered my questions!!

#

also i had another dream which

#

i dont think i should share

#

anyways good afternoon

coral smelt Jul 12, 2023, 3:00 AM

#

i played pony town but since jasper wasnt online i decided to host another fashion roulette

#

and that was a good idea

#

when we started i booped somebody who was sitting in a corner and they went to the safe room hesitantly

#

next round i was about to boop them when i clicked their profile and it said tduf

#

tduf means touch disorder unless friend

#

so if i booped them they would go into a panic because of past traumatic experiences

#

there is a lot of evidence of why tt or tf is stupid but personally i respect them no matter what

#

so i whispered the person the word boop instead

#

basically the whole round i tried distancing myself from them as much as possible

#

but somewhere in the game they asked me if they could friend me and i accepted

#

so the got more comfortable around me i think but i still try to avoid touching them

#

at the end of that game everyone thanked me for being a nice host and i honestly didnt want to host again

#

buty new friend, and like 3 other people said that they wanted to play again

#

so i invited more people while my new friend made themselves a little tt / td area so they wont have to use the corner

#

and while i was inviting, another person with td (or tt idk) came to the party island, so my friend made them a separate room

#

so i hosted again and everything went well

#

by the end the only person who stayed was my friend, and they wanted to host again but when i tried inviting, nobody was joining

#

so instead me and them built an orphanage roleplay map together

#

when we were done i invited people while they set up the rules and roles

#

then while they were explaining the roles, i realized my phone was low of battery, so i had to go

#

but i was superly happy that it went well

#

yippee level 22!!

#

today during dinner we were having hamburgers

#

i usually just get lettuce, tomatoes, and bread together since i dont like meat very well

#

so i told my step dad that i didnt want any but he got mad at me saying that i had to eat meat

#

even if he knew i didnt like it

#

my mom said the same thing

#

if they didnt like a food then they would want their parents to force them to eat it otherwise they couldnt leave the dinner table either

#

also my mom uses the excuse "you used to eat it all the time" for it

#

just because i liked a food when i was 6 doesnt mean i like it now

#

anyways i didnt feel like eating much of my food

#

but after i ate i hosted another fashion roulette with my sister and that went well too

#

my room is getting messy again but i dont feel like cleaning it right now

#

maybe i will clean it sometime later tonight

#

right now it is 9:15 pm

#

also me and my sister plan to finish camp caml before friday

#

since friday is the release date for the new episode

#

that means we have to watch 1 and a half seasons in 2 days

#

but we can do it!!

#

even if i already finished camp camp

#

also theres literally more episodes (with an s!) coming in early 2024 and i cannot wait for that!!

#

my sister will be there for that as well

#

but my phone is on 17 percent now so i will let it charge.

#

byebye

coral smelt Jul 12, 2023, 3:46 AM

#

ok nvm i just cleaned my room and it only took 30 minutes

#

and my phone is at 45 percent!!

coral smelt Jul 12, 2023, 5:27 AM

#

ok i played pony town more

#

and for the first time ever

#

i hosted a rating line

#

finally since i got enough courage to

#

so i kept sending "rating line open" for a few minutes

#

in the chat

#

and at first only a few people came at a time

#

so i rated them

#

then i took a break for a bit and when my break was done one of the bigger rating lines had cleared up

#

so i took that spot

#

then i sent that message again until a few people showed up

#

i rated them and before i realized it my line was all the way down to the bakery, just as all long rating lines are

#

and i was too scared to ask for a line closer so i kept going

#

while i was doing so a stranger seeking attention decided to cover me and "become the new rater" and for a bit the people i was rating were listening to me until they werent

#

then people started covering and cutting people to the point where i couldnt tell who was next

#

and i couldnt even see my own skin

#

so basically rating lines are fine and fun until the chaos kicks in

#

so i just randomly left!!

#

i also felt really pressured to type fast and i kept making mistakes but i think i will host those way more often.

#

also ive been noticing that my writings are more recently focusing on the online world rather than the real world now

#

maybe when school starts again, if i keep this up, i could write about my school day every single day in detail

#

i think that would be good

#

i never go out unless its with my mom during summer

#

i cannot wait for school

coral smelt Jul 13, 2023, 5:12 AM

#

dude

#

my mom got mad at me for being awake at 1:00 am

#

that isnt even that late

#

and a lot of stuff happened because of that

#

but im gonna write that later

#

because im

#

busy

#

nevermind!!

#

im writing all of it right now

#

17 percent at 11:17 pm

#

interesting

#

so last night i was playing pony town

#

and i saw a player with a hello kitty cosplay

#

titled "hello this is kitty!"

#

and when people hear that

#

they think of the tiktok audio

#

but not me

#

i think of my childhood

#

a tv series called growing up with hello kitty

#

so i started watching a few episodes of that on youtube

#

before my sister came in my room and started watching it with me as well

#

we were having a great time with all the nostalgia

#

and there was a traumatic event that me and my sister remembered

#

im not gonna write about that since it was when i was about 7 and my sister was 6

#

but we started talking about it

#

and actually enjoying ourselves

#

until my mom came in the room

#

my sister usually goes to sleep at 11 pm

#

omg my phone is slowly dying

#

so i paused the show

#

and me and my sister stared at each other and then our mom

#

our mom looked like she hadnt slept in days even if she had

#

we knew we obviously werent supposed to be awake at that time

#

i dont know what the moment brought but i just kept smiling in my phone as i thought "oh crap"

#

then she yelled at us asked if we knew what time it was

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there was an awkward silence of us staring at each other

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until my sister walked shamefully to her room

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i dont remember it too well but

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then my mom took my phone out of my hand

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i asked her if i could have it just to turn on my music so she gave it to me surprisingly

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so i started going into spotify

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but i noticed she was staring directly at me and i did not feel comfortable with that

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so i asked her if she could stop

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and she snatched it out of my hand and said im never getting it again

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it sounds so stupid

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but the situation was superly scary

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so then i started painfully cryinf unfortunately as she left me in my room

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she also had cut my tv off and there was no music playing

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i was left alone in a room with an orange glow to it because of my led lights

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i thought my mom was gone so i went to say goodnight to my sister as im in tears

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so i walked out of my room but then i got a mini jumpscare because she was standing in the bathroom literally doing nothing

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probably waiting for me to do something..

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anyways

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i got scared but continued walking

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i said goodnight to her

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and walked back straight into my room

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i then sat on the chair and waited for my mom to leave the bathroom because i also needed to use it

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but then she came into my room and said "so are you gonna cut it on??"

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i was so confused

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so i said "what?"

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she said "the tv."

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i said "with what?"

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she said "the remote you just went down there to get"

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i was baffled dude

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i said "i didnt get the remote"

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she said "then what did you get"

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then i said "i went to tell my sister good night"

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i was upset that she assumed such a thing!!

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the loud scary spotify ad is going to be the death of me

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anyways i forgot a lot of what happened then, but i remember her leaving me alone again

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nothing to do

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the room was quiet with the sweet sounds of my tears and the obnoxious ringing in my ears

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then i thought

#

tw : self harm
|| i relapsed again thats all ||

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yeah and thats what i thought

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so then

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i grabbed a piece of paper and a marker

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since i didnt have my phone

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i couldnt write here

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but i didnt necessarily write like this because i hate paper

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i wrote words relating to it so i didnt forget

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just so many words

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i was definitely being a bit dramatic but there was a lot going on at that time

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also my mom made a bet that i couldnt wake up at 10 am because of how late it was

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because i said that i stayed up way later than that

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anyways

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after i wrote those words

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i didnt have a phone and i wanted to win the bet

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so i got my sister phone

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and i promised myself that i could only use the clock app

#

and i did

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i set about 15 alarms

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yep

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as i was trying to sleep i hallucinationated a white line

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and black pits of darkness

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and screaming

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and my ears were ringing

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but eventually i slept

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and i ignored every single alarm until the 10 am alarm went off

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i sat up

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took my sisters phone

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and nobody was awake yet thank god

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and put it right back on the charger

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and went right back to sleep

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there was no point in winning

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idk how she expected me to even want to win the bet when she cant get up at 10 am herself

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or 6 am for that matter

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so i woke up at like 2 idk

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and got that day started

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so i slept about 12 hours

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and the day was absolutely

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miserable

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since i have a roku tv remote on my phone i never have to pester my siblings about giving me the remote

#

but today my brother was being selfish

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so i kept telling my mom that he wasnt sharing it since we had multiple tvs and one remote

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eventually by about 11 pm she gave in and said "use the one on your phone"

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i didnt know if she was playing games with me the see how i would react but i was livid

#

but i tried to respond calmly but also displaying character

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"oh you mean the one YOU TOOK FROM ME FOREVER?"

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she said no and that she gave it back

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but i tell you that did not happen

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so she gets up

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what i thought meaning that she would search my room for it

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so i started walking to my room ahead of her

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then i looked back and she called for me

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and she handed it to me

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i asked "did you find it?"

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and she got mad at that.

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so did my step dad

#

i asked her why she took it again

#

they just responded by just take it

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so i did

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i was just asking a simple question dude

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but anyways the first thing i did was open discord to talk here because i couldnt tell anybody! last night

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i felt so alone dude

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i was expecting to never talk to kelsey again until school started

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and all of my online friends would forget about me

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and i could never watch wholesome camp camp tiktoks again

#lee's journal1!1!1