Mila's Journal | Huddle | Page 1

normal latch May 31, 2023, 9:20 AM

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Lately I've been in a mental rut and I wonder sometimes how I'll get outta it

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I get some solace reading cheerful posts but.....Then I read anything sad or triggering and I just sink deeper in my insanity.

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The thought of making anyone sad, making anyone feel worse when we're all going through tough times makes me feel horrible.

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I'm scared to vent public though. Don't wanna trigger anyone. I feel fake sometimes and a hypocrite encouraging people to show off their talents when I can't myself.

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I don't think anything I write's any good, I'd rather compliment others. See others grow......See others being happy....Sometimes I wonder what happiness is.....Is it just being bipolar? I get so happy seeing my friends on here then sad when they leave. Sad knowing they're sad. I wish I could hug everyone. I feel up and down a lot. Why can't the happiness and light stay?

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I'm a shy mess. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in this server and yet I welcome others. I try to be cheery, the thought of making someone's day just saying hi. Sometimes someone just needs a hi or asking if they're ok. Recognition. Makes someone feel better.

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Idk what self-help is besides when I meditate, I don't meditate often. Just when I'm playing a game with my friends and they haven't been online. Some left this server and I'm hella worried about 'em. I still gotta crochet a lotta things but I get distracted easily. Hopefully I don't lose motivation like I did the other crafts I've been putting off yrs now.

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A month ago I had a rough falling out with people I thought were my friends. They said horrible things, even after we went separate ways. Idk how I still care about and miss 'em. I saw through their flaws but they couldn't me. I try to accept people the way they are, I don't ask people to change. I find it to be stressful mentally sometimes though constantly worrying.

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I try to focus on my new friends, I like making friends. I'm pretty stubborn though and I get attached to people easily. I wish I didn't, I see a great person and I wanna spend time with 'em. I like giving compliments and if someone's amazing then they should know it. Ik I don't see the good in myself, instead I try to see the good in everyone and everything around me.

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We're all beautiful in our ways, nobody's perfect and everyone goes through a hard time. Important to have someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on without being judgemental. I'm very misunderstood and don't always pick up on social cues and hints so I may easily misunderstand others, their intentions. Doesn't help me feeling bad, especially when someone else's misunderstood a lot too.

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My memory's horrible too, I keep forgetting to look into therapy. I usually just self-cope but that only goes so far. I have plenty of coping skills and a safety plan but.....Well that doesn't help memories. I still gotta try drawing.

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I don't think anyone would bother reading this anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even liked here.

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My poems sometimes don't make much sense or may seem cryptic. Not that I can explain this one here.

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Paper Mâché

Sometimes I make something
Something concealing
But it’s not a mask
I just want to….
Wear it….
Be it….
Why can’t I?
Why is life so cruel?
I just want to hold it
All together with tape
To think
Others use glue
To make things better
To make things complete
Oh the irony

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To those that may not understand, it's metaphors for life. I can't explain the 2nd half.

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Hmm, I kinda forgot the prompts existed lol. I'm good at going off on random tangents. Sometimes goofy.

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I guess I just miss being a kid, being young and have more freedoms. I find it sad when kids grow up too fast. It's good if they can support themselves and their parents are willing to help but not everyone's nice and stuff.

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Nice, supportive. I'm getting words mixed up I think....Not really in sound mind rn....

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My mom's in this server and reminded me of DBT, I grabbed a book on it and was gonna do some worksheets. Trying to self-cope better I guess.

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My friends tell me not to worry about 'em, they tell me to remember my own sanity. Lately I've been trying to figure out what that means....I can't help but worry about 'em....Idk if it's good or bad to be selfless anymore....I'm rarely selfish and punish myself when I am.

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People get on me asking how they're doing all the time...If they're ok....I just feel annoying and a burden....Somedays I'm caring....Somedays I'm a chore or something.

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I get confused a lot

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^off topic tangents. Tw mention of a death: Anyway, I miss playing tennis with my bros and dad. I guess I just lost the motivation and love for it after he died when I was 16. I considered taking classes again.....Just getting out there.....I wanna get out there....I love being outside....Idk why I don't get out more.....Could make more friends and humans would go insane without social contact. I just wanna play with someone. Gotta go to my local parks and take pics again too. Might go visit my grandparents...Might call my older bro but he's usually busy and gets mad when we call him at wrong times. Not that I know what the right times are.

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The compliments prompt intrigues me. I'm proud my new friends open up and show me their drawings and poems. So inspirational, makes me wanna open up too and share. I wish I was good at something though. I write a lot but my mind's in a gutter as usual so it just looks like nonsense and I think nobody else would understand. Lately my friend Chris inspired me to theorize on true crimes and unsolved mysteries though. I might get around to doing that....Eventually.....

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Hmm, Idk how I'd describe myself to a stranger.....I'd say I'm lame and boring but I'm too honest and self aware. It's good to be open, honest, and sometimes direct depending on company and the situation. Time and place for everything after all and I'd rather creeps not flirt with me on public servers. I can tolerate a lot, lots of patience. Sometimes gotta have that working with people. Gotta work with people to get anywhere in life and survive. Sometimes I wanna shut myself in my head and room though but I can't forever. My social anxiety used to be way worse and I couldn't contact at all. Could barely leave the house, couldn't do calls or emails, hella shaky in person, and fumbles words. Yet I can shake hands and have good eye contact....I'm weird I guess....Took me forever to chat on public Discord servers. Just stuff I slowly get used to, stuff gets easier the more ya do it but we all need a push sometimes.

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I try not to stay angry at people and hate, it's not good for the body, mind, and soul. Some people I just can't forgive though ever. Like...I guess I wouldn't treat 'em the way they did me but I'm glad they're outta my life. I'm grateful for this server and my new friends, mostly positives.....Lots of laughs....No matter how weird the Newcomer channel may get sometimes 🥲 . I always go back, Idk why I get great joy welcoming people...Potentially new friends....

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Probably cause of another server I was in that I helped raised, it was way smaller than this though. I got a buncha friends to join it and we all kept it alive despite the owner being an adult and unprofessional sometimes. I kept him in line reminding him we're adults, he's a role model, and a good friend of mine. Then I had to leave it all behind.....Had to end my parternship and friendship with him and left the server.... I was the most active too. I hope he at least took my advice into saving his server and making it fun since his comments made people leave.

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^Tangent lol

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Ooooo fav music's fun. Even though I find it hard sometimes to choose favs of anything with how amazing everything is in the world....I mostly listen to Kpop and love 2nd-4th gen groups and artists. I love BoA and Loona most. Sometimes I'll listen to chill music like jazz or lofi though. Lofi covers of pop songs usually. I also love vid game music. Anything Zelda mostly. Love Mario, Pokemon, Sonic, Terraria, and Fallout too. Not that I play many video games anymore.

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The aspiration prompt makes me weary.....Like....Idk....Aspirations are good but....Mine might come off fake with how big and nice it would be....

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I'll just say.....Doing good for others. Not like I care for luxuries and fancy, expensive places anyway if I had a lotta money. Better to give than receive.

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Hmm, Idk if I'll for sure forgive anyone......I remember people very well......I remember faces and all their actions....Seems like most of the time people just focus on negatives and I hate how it overshadows the good though. Even after people hurt me I was still nice to 'em, tried to be understanding and move on till something else bad happened and I gave another chance...

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Idk if I could write a letter, even to myself. I'm not perfect either, I wasn't always there for 'em as much as I shoulda been. We needed lots of space and even then never really talked stuff out besides my "sister" and I.

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She meant the world to me though....Now that I remember, my goodbye letters to 'em all kinda doubled as me being solemn and forgiving since I can see "both sides of the same coin" and understand why they did what they did to push me away.

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When in reality I was drifting from 'em anyway and felt outta place. I just didn't wanna let her go. I always told her people come and go. I'm nothing special. Friends come and go. Nothing's forever.

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I always kept things real, I was always open and honest. I guess nobody liked that.

normal latch May 31, 2023, 11:43 AM

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I was kinda shy starting a journal, now that I did I'm relieved I can finally vent and kinda think nobody would bother checking this lol

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Hmm, I feel like meditating. I wish I could for my friends but they're asleep. I get some enjoyment doing readings for others.

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Just remembered I gotta work on my novels and spiritual journey journal. I'm kinda ambitious but lacking motivation lately. Lots of ideas, might try to make some video games later too. I started working on a card game that I'm kinda proud of.

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I kinda miss playing Cards Against Humanity, Uno, Skipbo, the Minecraft card game, Monopoly, and Sorry with my fam now. Lately I've just been playing Scrabble online with my mom and some friends. One friend challenged me to chess...I suck at chess lol....We did play checkers though too. That I feel rusty in, I was in a tournament once and got to the 3rd round. Might play it more often but I can't with chess. My dad was great at it, same with my bros.

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I considered trying to do my readings daily and posting 'em here but they're not fully finished. I just do one half of 'em since lazy lately.

normal latch May 31, 2023, 12:11 PM

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Hmm, I got to thinking of how I lost faith. I used to go to church with my grandparents, I started to read the bible. I have my grandma's bible that's in German and English. She was a translator. I found it a good way to learn German since my fam's German and knows it and I don't. I just stayed up 2 nights on Duolingo practicing and yet I remember a lotta words. ~Tangent~ Anyway I lost faith after well dad. For me, praying did nothing to save him. I guess my faith wasn't strong enough. We didn't have much of a relationship till a month before he landed in an icu. We called more often, he tried to be there for us but couldn't. Then he went and we visited him....Held his hand....Doctors said he was getting better and would be out in a week.....Then he passed.

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Please don't think of my tangents as me not taking things seriously, I just get lost in thought.

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Something that'll always haunt me though

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I've been looking into getting back into church though. I respect other people's beliefs and don't judge. We all need someone or something to believe in, if not, ourselves.

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I guess my mind's a jumbled mess, especially lately

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I wonder if animals can actually tell emotions or something. My cat Charlie keeps rubbing on me purring and I'm sad. He's a Senior but hella playful and meows like a kitten. I kinda wish the pet channel was open so I could show him off.

normal latch May 31, 2023, 12:39 PM

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I love Glass Animals but might not listen to Heatwaves. It's a great song but a fav of an old besty so kinda reminds me of our friendship. I confided in her that I wanted to be a teacher and she said I was "too dumb to be" but she apologized. I told her it stung anyway and ended the friendship shortly after. She thought it was ok to joke around harshly since her friends did to her and I said I wouldn't be that way. Never a good idea to discourage people, crushes hopes and dreams and someday I might be a teacher anyway.

normal latch Jun 1, 2023, 2:21 AM

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For once I'm feeling great, got good food. Might eat all the donuts and ice cream now though yb_blobworm

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Forgot what prompts were again lol

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Hmm, I guess I can somewhat talk about another community....Not that I chat much on there either....I kinda hold it near and dear to my heart though. Reading about people's stories on there brings me to tears, this server does too but they're very different. Can say rules are more....Relaxed....People talk about more trauma experiences. But it's not always bad, like this people there are also hopeful, welcoming, and somewhat homey...Maybe someday I won't be shy there too. I've been told I'm a "good soul" and I don't see it much but still a very nice compliment.

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I guess the languages one is fun. I'd wanna learn everything though lol. I find lots of languages fascinating. Same with cultures. I mostly photograph landscapes, sometimes animals but I used to love architecture too. Thought about being an architect or carpenter. Oh to be young again and have lots of dreams.

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I miss traveling with my fam, mostly to visit fam but I really miss Texas. I've been to Louisiana, Texas, Nebraska, Oklahoma, and Missouri. Can't go back to Louisiana after some fam drama, someday I'm moving to Texas though. I miss Galveston most, had fam in Dallas and Houston.

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I can easily get lost in thought missing Texas 🥲

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My little bro's first rollercoaster ride aaaaaaaand I had to get on with him. I used to be scared of rollercoasters since one time we went to I think Six Flags aaaand my seatbelt wasn't on or something....One of those loopdy loop ones got me hella scared chusit

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When I went on with him though, 2 guys behind me kept mocking me since I was having a panic attack....Bro looked like he insta regretted everything too lol

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Ooooo I level up in here 👀

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Fun

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Anyway, another story hmmm so when I was like 5 we went to the Galveston beach. Apparently I didn't know what a jellyfish was and picked one up. It didn't have any stingers, I think it was dead but I still remember holding it, was hard and rubbery. I freaked out and threw it. My grandpa still laughs at me 20 yrs later 😭

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Or when he taught me how to ride a bike lol. Said I went into a tree.....Or a bush a few times....

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I kinda never gave a damn what people thought and said about me though. Like....Only things that haunt me are a highschool bully. Idk if I can talk about what he did to me or the lack of help from school staff....

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Made me weary going to adults for help though

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Ya know, the usual "if you're being bullied tell an adult," well I did and without proof besides bruises and I guess the cams didn't work or nobody bothered to check....My bully got off Scot free....

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He threatened me to stop telling on him, not that he could do much worse anyway. I said my friends were witnesses and either they weren't questioned or he coulda threatened 'em too for all Ik. Not that I'd ask 'em to get between us. Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt defending me. I tried defending myself but then I got in trouble since I was honest about it. The "no tolerance" policy I guess.

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Kinda haunts me sometimes, he was very manipulative.

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I just didn't understand at the time......I tried to make friends and fit in despite always being the quiet kid and a "teacher's pet." I always tolerated so much.

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I miss my good teachers though, they left after I transferred after Freshmen yr. Apparently lots of kids transfer.

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Can't say I blame 'em

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Education system in my city used to be pretty bad....Might still be for all Ik....Idk how it is all over the US but a friend said she learned nothing in Cali. Granted she's from the UK and was put in the wrong yr.

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Now I miss her way more....My "sister".....Hmm....Moving on.....

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She left and Idk where she went.....Makes me sad....

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I miss choir now, was in my middle school's then Freshmen and a few times in church, school I transferred to was a "charter alternative." Think less funding so not as many programs as a typical highschool.

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Didn't have sports, had a club though I was in with a besty. We focused on recycling, reusing stuff to build garden stuff I think, and volunteering around the community.

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I miss that school. I regret graduating early. I really shouldn't have, I failed 3 classes and signed myself up for summer school. Had a month but was used to the program. I struggled but barely passed with a D and C's I think. I still think the teacher was just showing me pity passing me.

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That was Junior yr, kinda stressful.....Senior yr was better I guess but worried about my besty.

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Let's just say...Without going into details.....A few teachers acted weird to me. I got in trouble telling on one, didn't see a point telling on the other since I already got yelled at.

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Amazing how that works

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Anyway, I still miss my besty. She was 17 but already out doing adult things and wouldn't sleep a week or 2 sometimes I guess from stress. As far as Ik now she's doing fine, married with kids. I miss spending time with her though....I miss school....I miss taking notes....Lots of people hate school but that school I transferred to was mostly great. I still remember my last day too. I only had 3 classes since I dropped acting. Not that I don't love acting but something small happened and I got ashamed of myself so I dropped it. Too embarrassed.

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I've been in a few plays, used to take theater camps and looking into going to rehearsals sometime. I miss being on stages performing.

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Nothing came outta that btw, just seemed like a potentially good friend.

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Charlie's being a kitten again, he sits next to me just looking cute. Waiting for pets.

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I feel so dry rn lol

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I really hope my mom didn't eat all the icecream, it's smores since I'm lazy to get all the actual stuff and make 'em. I also love mint chip. Really anything with marshmallows, caramel, chocolate even though I looooooove milk chocolate, or coconut.

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But yeah I'm not too picky when it comes to food, I love lots of cuisines. Mostly Tex-Mex, American, and Chinese.

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I'mma eat all the icecream catbongo

normal latch Jun 1, 2023, 4:02 AM

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Ok I can't, I wish I could....Lately I tried lactose free and omg. I love it. I forgot I'm dairy intolerant and a few other allergies. Might check my blood sugar too.

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I hate not being able to eat a lotta dairy nowadays, I love cheese and well icecream lol. I used to get blocks of cheese and eat it straight 🥲 . I'm weird.

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I should make something for pride, hmmmmm might have all the colors.

normal latch Jun 1, 2023, 6:22 AM

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Hmm, I need an orange.....I have an orange but it's a diff brand.....Might use it anyway....I was gonna make a rainbow heart bag. Sometimes I gotta use what I got and nothing wrong with improvising. Still gotta finish my jellyfish. Might just put pics here after I'm done. Realized earlier I could put pics of Charlie here too so might later unless I forget.

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Makes me sad though kinda, taking pics of my pets. I still gotta look for a pic of one of my guinea pigs. His name was Shadow. I didn't take pics of my other one named Link since I forgot. I was busy cuddling with him most of the time. But yeah, Shadow Link, I love Zelda lol. I miss 'em sometimes, got 'em from a petstore and I'm still on the fence of those.....Thinking of mills makes me sad but also makes me sad thinking of what happens.....Uhh.....I'll just leave that there.

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Nowadays I just adopt from shelters

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I'll just drop that tangent, too depressing for me to think about since I love animals.

normal latch Jun 1, 2023, 9:09 AM

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I think I'm already losing motivation to write in this.

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Not that there's nothing to talk about but Idk, just feel hollow lately. Like I wanna sleep all day....I kinda do sleeping at 5 or so but......Idk.....

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Still gotta crochet too, never did a reading today yet.

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Just checked my horoscope

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I said earlier Idk if I belong here, sometimes I feel outta place. I wish I could be way more cheery and have lots of friends and actually give advice instead of just being a random goof to try to cheer people up or something. I'm shy, I barely chat a lot in a day.

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My horoscope though

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normal latch Jun 1, 2023, 10:14 AM

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A part of me just wants to stay in here now.

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It's like a safe space where I can be weird and I doubt anyone actually reads everything.

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I'm too boring anyway

normal latch Jun 1, 2023, 10:55 AM

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Yeah I'm glad I don't get seen here. Lately I've been trying to build up the courage to post some things. Took me forever to dm old friends that left this server. 🥲

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Some even refuse to rejoin.....I find it odd....One guy hasn't accepted my friend request yet....We only chatted like.....2 days I think but we vibed pretty well.

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I'mma just get rid of all the tarot talk, might scare people off.

normal latch Jun 1, 2023, 11:18 PM

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Times like this I think of what a friend said, he reminded me to be mindful of myself and my own sanity but the worrying of friends overshadows that.

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I'm back to feeling useless and outta place here

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I kinda wish I knew for sure who else feels outta place....I just like trying to cheer people up, I'm not a good therapist or well good for advice period. I fear I may come off as insensitive here and that's obviously not good. I don't mean to be.

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Bro said I should be a therapist.....Idk how to feel about that.....I considered it but can't be. I barely self-cope and have lots of triggers, if I can't take care of myself how can I take care of someone else?

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 12:10 AM

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I'm back to being in a mental rut....I shouldn't have reached out....He's doing better and that's all that matters. Idk how I'll get over my panic attack, I guess just with time.

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 12:27 AM

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Guess I'll check prompts, still gotta figure out what to make.

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Ok I'm feeling much better, my friend Logan's on after needing a week break from everyone. It's his bday and he had pizza. I'm super jealous but good to know he's feeling much better.

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So nice chatting with someone that also goes off on random tangents. Makes him happy being distracted from dark thoughts. Idk if Logan considers us good friends but I see him as one.

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He's rambling on about spelling bees again 🥲

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Yeah I need a lighthearted change here

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He asked when I thought the first spelling bee was and I jokingly put 0000, he put lol and 0 BC like LOL

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I get great joy when my friends laugh and knowing they're ok.

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Most of the time I feel dumb but sometimes when I'm smart and in a good mood I like to pretend to be dumb to make him laugh.

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Yeah nvm, he's a huge nerd that loves making me feel dumb lol. Turning 19 today and a very smart cookie.

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 1:07 AM

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I love how we go from spelling bees to eggs now math. I used to love math and never failed it in school. I loved Algebra and found Trig fascinating too.

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 1:39 AM

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Sometimes I really miss my Senior yr. Like I said, I only had 3 classes. Anatomy, math, and design. The math was Functions, I think it was just a combination of everything, 2nd semester woulda been Trig. I had enough credits that I didn't need to go 2nd. Missed out on my club, Trig, and spending more time with my besty. I loved Anatomy too and not for the reason ya might think. We actually skipped that since the teacher thought we already knew enough.

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I found the skeletal and muscular systems to be more fascinating.

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My mom ate all my ice cream....

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 2:00 AM

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Now we're pondering over the winning spelling bee words. My daily migraine's not helping me think. Like Ik some words but can't explain rn.

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Been forever since I put these emojis but he said we're at the top of the list of winning words and I'm like 🧠 ▶️ 🪟 lol

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I'm having some fun though

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 2:29 AM

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Now we're playing Scrabble after I asked a few times, he asked if I wanna "get my butt kicked so badly" and I'm like bro lol. My mom and some other friends been doing that just fine. 😂

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I just love playing Scrabble, winning isn't everything.

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It's all fun and games till I start out with the damn Q though 🥲

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 5:35 AM

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Logan went to bed. Of course as usual I got rekt. He told me about the blue raspberry flavor. Never realized it's pineapple, cherry, and/or bananas. Cherries makes sense, nothing else does. I guess he had a nice bday though.

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Just saw a Fallout pfp.....I miss playing Fallout now, I have NV and 4. Love NV most though. Never gets old.

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Might play Subnautica, the dunes terrifies me though. Wouldn't wanna lose my seamoth again. I'd rather stick with the crashzone. For those that don't play Subnautica well.......There's a void but anywhere there's reapers is pretty much hell lol. Dunes are a wide open area with like.....3 or so I think.

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Way scarier than ghosts or dragons

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Sometimes I check huddler or newcomer and wonder what happened lol

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Back to feeling outta place I guess Idk

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 6:42 AM

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Is it bad I kinda avoid the mental health chats? Like that's the point of the server is peer-to-peer support but since I suck with words I'm scared I'd make someone sad or something....

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People drift apart but evaluate if they're worth staying friends with or not. Something I shoulda done a long time ago.

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Welp

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I almost went on a tangent but

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It's a page long

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About the forgive prompt lol

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Might put it later but I'mma focus on another one, for now

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Just noticed there's another one.....There's "why it's important to forgive" aaaand then "forgiving myself".......Sounds like fr a page or 2 of a tangent.....

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Hmm

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Somedays I'm fine talking about people, somedays I'm not

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Oooooo the fav holiday movies is fun. I love Halloween. I wasn't always a fan of slashers though. Two movies I grew up watching were actually fam friendly. Both Scary Godmothers. I guess I just loved how it's true to Halloween. Ya know carving pumpkins, costumes, monsters, and trick-or-treating. Plus I love Jill Thompson and her art and comics. Anything Casper's nice too, loved the live action movies.

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Do not remember my first experience in snow though.....I remember my last day of highschool though. My last class so math only had 3 students. A guy, my besty, and I. We were all in the club and since small class we were let out early a lot, so we'd go around the school and take out recycling. Well it snowed, so we had a snowball fight 🥲 . Didn't last long and nobody got hurt of course. Just one of the few rare times that were actually good for me in school.

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Almost said another snow experience but uhhh

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Not as fun

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 7:49 AM

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chusit

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I think I'm burned out hmmmm could check more prompts I guess or theorize like my friend Chris.

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Big inspiration for me

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Granted I usually write romance. I do love true crime, the paranormal, and supernatural though but Idk if I can write good horror. Plus he incorporates comedy and Idk if I could. I'm not very funny like him.

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Just gets my writing juices going period and I thanked him for it.

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Hmm

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3 wishes

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I'd like for my friends to be happy and healthy. Stuff with my mom to be taken care of. And Idk, I guess I'd give the last wish away. I may not be the happiest rn but I'm not sad either, I'm pretty content and appreciate what I have, lifewise and belongings. Wouldn't want a lotta money myself.

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I almost explained why but....Somethings are best done behind closed doors sometimes, good things can be done in secret.

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I don't like lots of attention.

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 8:29 AM

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God my advice sucks lol, Idk why I bother sometimes. Like it's the thought that counts I guess but most of the time I just put a word salad or something.....

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Hmm, Ik if I was given advice like "build up courage to ask someone out" I'd just shutdown cause I'm a shy mess.

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Yeah Idk anymore. Still gotta work on my jelly.

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 8:57 AM

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Can't decide if I should sleep or crochet.....Eyes are droopy....

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Ehh I just won't chat as much but wanna crochet

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 9:26 AM

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Yeah I'mma just sleep now.....Too tired to chat in newcomers or crochet. I gotta go shopping later, not good to drive tired.

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 9:44 AM

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Ehhhh I kinda forgot what sleep was

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normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 8:20 PM

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Hmm, not too sure what to write about now.....

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Logan and I've been playing Scrabble....Some quizzes since we love racing 'em and puzzles. He only beats my time in jigsaws lol

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 9:09 PM

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I let him have 2 corners then I "ruined" another and he freaks out 😂

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So fun lol

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 9:27 PM

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Hmm

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Zach and I might play Scrabble too. Guess I'll just crochet or figure out what to write here since Logan's taking a break.

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 10:23 PM

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Ok checking mental health rn isn't helping 😭

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So I'm not tempted to check....I just closed it in browse channels. Sometimes I just can't check it or other venting channels.

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I'm feeling much better physically though.

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Something weird.....I saw my friend Zach laugh and.....Idk....Some pain went away. Makes me happy anyway seeing friends happy but....Idk....I'm weird

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I can breathe again

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Uhh

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Sinuses just cleared too....Tears insta gone.....He does mean a lot to me though

normal latch Jun 2, 2023, 11:09 PM

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I wish I was outgoing enough and fun to revive chats.....I usually just say hi or ask how everyone's doing then hide here or in my friends dms....

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Idk, most of the time online and irl I suck at starting and holding convos

#

Also nice checking huddler to wholesome moments though.

normal latch Jun 3, 2023, 2:58 AM

#

Hmm

#

Yeah Idk how to word it without the fear of being bullied or misunderstood again

#

Takes a great amount of courage for someone to talk about these kinda things. Almost namedropped someone but Idk if that's wise. Let's just say.....Someone figuring out their gender's kinda an inspiration for me. Reminds me of when I was a teen too.

normal latch Jun 3, 2023, 4:16 AM

#

I decided I'mma try making a sweater, I started one but realized it was the wrong colors 🥲 . Instead I'll do one rainbow.

normal latch Jun 3, 2023, 7:45 AM

#

Hmm

#

Guess I'll just focus on my sweater now. Can't decide if I should do stripes or the original pattern. Original's white with sprinkles.

#

Granted I don't have much of every color, was gonna get more later but might just work with what I got.

#

Never did look at my DBT book, could use some therapy rn.

#

Hmm, a part of me wants to stay up crocheting, listening to music, and taking notes from the book. I miss taking notes anyway.

#

Mizzu's Journal

#

Hmm, I'm already very interested in DBT and I'm just a few pages into the book lol

#

But I gotta figure out personal goals first then pick an option to "solve problems".....Going off past experiences I just changed emotional responses, tolerated, then solved a big problem. For the longest time I gave people lots of chances till well I couldn't anymore. To have friends I went with the flow of things and it was kinda mentally exhausting but I tolerated all of it to fit in with people I thought were great but sooner or later everyone shows their true colors. I'mma just focus on now instead of the past though. History's history and can't be changed. I refuse to let everything haunt me, especially stuff that's not my fault.

normal latch Jun 3, 2023, 10:24 AM

#

Oh

#

Interesting

#

It's figuring out behaviors and turning 'em into skills to cope

#

Still figuring it all out though. I got distracted watching vids.

#

So for all Ik I could be wrong so far interpreting but I'm usually good at analyzing. Just noticed it's almost 6 am though lol

#

Just a little tired though, slight headache

normal latch Jun 3, 2023, 10:49 AM

#

Damn my shyness.....Sometimes takes me awhile to even dm friends.....

#

Yeah Idk if I'm reading it right. Either I gotta utilize every option depending on the situation or pick one.

#

"Solving" isn't always easy or possible, I guess I mostly change my emotional response now. Used to tolerate way more.

#

By "changing emotional response" I mean I don't stay sad/mad long since there's always a silver lining. I try to see the good after the bad. Lessons in life be good or bad are still lessons and all promote growth.

normal latch Jun 3, 2023, 11:47 AM

#

Guess I'll sleep now, hopefully I won't all day since I wanna go take pics and some errands.

normal latch Jun 3, 2023, 8:01 PM

#

Logan and I are playing Scrabble again, I just woke up so kinda outta it but still having fun 🥲 .

normal latch Jun 3, 2023, 10:20 PM

#

I wish my advice didn't come off as awkward and terse

#

I just like trying to help or cheer up people lol

#

Still gotta run my errands, watching chemistry vids rn

#

So nice seeing friends get more confidence and making more friends though

#

Usually I chat with shy people. Like they dm me first but don't dm many others. Some guys said they just have me, that I'm the only girl they chat with which I found weird but everyone needs a shoulder to cry on too.

#

Zach makes me so happy, he has a gf but still such a good friend. It's his sis's bday and he took her to an arcade and let her win every game. He's such a nice bro and it melts my heart.

#

I wish he'd rejoin this server, such a wise person with a big heart and going through tough times like the rest of us. He's pretty shy though.

normal latch Jun 4, 2023, 12:22 AM

#

I still gotta get caught up on my other journal.....Was gonna bring it up on the qotd answers but.....Meh

#

I find it cool, don't think anyone else would

#

It's not your typical novel, it's personal to me but not an autobiography either

#

Ehh kinda is I guess now that I think about it....Has my take on things and stories but I'm pretty boring.

#

But someday I'mma finish it and try to get it out there thinking perhaps it can help others too.

#

I'm sad now, asked a friend if he'd do a journal too and he blew up on me. Not like he'd have to spill his heart and soul into this....He's usually goofy and fun and loves sharing his stories....I'm sure others would love to read 'em and chuckle at his humor like I used to.

#

Oh well

#

I'mma study up on DBT again. I can see "both sides of the same coin" though as I used to be very private too. Still am. Time and place for everything and some of my thoughts I think are too much for this server. I'm pretty mindful lately and grounded.

#

Lost some inspiration to write though.

#

But not all, won't let this let me slip deeper.

normal latch Jun 4, 2023, 2:29 AM

#

Hmmm prompts.....The person or people I admire.....

#

That in itself is interesting cause I thought of my fam. Was gonna say my mom and bros then thought of my dad....

#

Touchy but I admire him for supporting us and being there when he could be.

#

My mom for being a single parent and raising us all pretty alright. My older bro for his wisdom and life experiences. My little bro for trying despite his anxiety.

normal latch Jun 4, 2023, 5:25 AM

#

Reading anything about "slipping deeper" reminds me of a poem I wrote when I was like 12. Lost all my old poems though but I'mma rewrite it. Just got another idea too.

#

But both are very dark, might reconsider putting 'em here.

#

Ooooo habit prompt, fun

#

I'd like to break the habit of caring too much about people, especially those that don't care about me. Some flat out said they didn't and would flip flop between wondering why they kept me around and calling me a friend. I also get called annoying constantly asking how everyone's doing. Makes me feel like a burden and outta touch.

#

Something my "sister" said

#

Ok so context, we knew someone mean and at the time we both said was "cold."
Eventually we stopped chatting with that person.

#

But sometimes I told her I was worried about becoming "cold" too, she said "that wouldn't happen since your heart's big and full of warmth." Amazing how it later froze over then shattered. I've been gluing the pieces back together though.

normal latch Jun 4, 2023, 7:23 AM

#

I won't finish this

#

Cold

I’m cold
After an argument with my mom
I’m gonna go on a walk
That’ll warm me up
I’ll be right back
In six hours
Why’s it so dark?
I’m a little scared
A few city lights, empty streets
A lit up display case in my favorite shop
Showing off Fabergé eggs
My old elementary school
Shrouded in darkness
Nostalgia
I’m cold
I see light
I’m gonna walk over to this statue
Put a penny in its hand
I hear laughter
I don’t think the streets are empty

#

Not really a poem I guess

#

Just a little mind dump, I didn't get hurt.

#

Oh to be 12, not realizing all the dangers of the world.

normal latch Jun 4, 2023, 8:24 AM

#

Awww my heart melted just now, Ik that feeling of overcoming illnesses then getting life started. I wish my shyness didn't kick in so I could actually chat. Plus I'm getting tired sooo might mince words. Instead of resting, I'mma grab the DBT book and hopefully later I'll have the courage to chat.

normal latch Jun 4, 2023, 10:32 AM

#

Hmm

#

Just looked in a mirror and saw how faded my red color is. I read somewhere online that red looks good on everyone but I usually get bored of my color rq.

#

Can't decide what color to go though....Might just keep my natural color for awhile to give my hair a break. I pretty much had to after lots of treatments in like a week one time. Coloring's not as damaging as bleaching but still damages hair.

#

I still remember that 💀

#

My hair was dark red aaaaaaand that didn't look good on me for sure 😅

#

So we used a Color Oops and it was supposed to get rid of the red but nope, instead it turned copper. I looked like a pumpkin and loved it. A nice, soft copper but mom said nope soooo we bleached it and it turned neon orange. I went to school like that. People stared and laughed of course, I didn't really care lol. I did want blonde though soooo we bleached it after school or the day after and it turned blonde but my roots were still the damn orange. Went full blonde after another bleaching. I don't recommend that. My hair wasn't "fried" as in brittle but still hella damaged and started falling out. Didn't lose much but I don't look good blonde either 🥲 . Sooo I colored it black and left it to heal like 2 yrs. The black washed out after a yr. Best to get stuff done professionally though.

#

I started coloring my hair at 8, went red and did it myself. Been dark red, the red now which is much more vibrant, blonde, black, burgundy, blonde highlights on my natural brown, and I wanna say.....Red, blonde, and maybe silver on my natural brown. Highlights I just got professionally done. My precision isn't good lol, even with foils probably.

#

^Tangent 😂

#

But yeah, I might go purple again. That's technically what burgundy is, the color I had before at least. I can't go anything brights and pastels look fun but I'm naturally brunette soooo it'd mean more bleaching 🥲 . I prefer dark anyway. Anything cool colors might make my eyes pop and I love purple.

normal latch Jun 4, 2023, 11:24 AM

#

y_duckiesip

#

Idk how the hell I'm not tired and it's almost 7 lol

#

Hmmmmmmmmmmm just did the admiration one but that was towards my fam.....Actor-wise I love Jennifer Tilly, Marilyn Monroe, and Bruce Campbell. Those are hopefully self-explanatory with how iconic they all are.

#

Author-wise I always loved Jane Austen.

#

Yeah I wanna theorize on an unsolved mystery still.....I'm not nearly as funny or smart though.....

normal latch Jun 4, 2023, 12:32 PM

#

I kinda missed having a snake as my pfp lol

#

I like snakes and spiders but deathly afraid, I think for me it's just a phase though since Idm snakes now. Spiders are creepy crawlies but I still like 'em.

normal latch Jun 4, 2023, 1:07 PM

#

Yeah I don't feel like writing much anymore, I just started this and was gonna keep it going for the role but I find solace in writing and kinda went on lots of tangents soooo this is hella messy and boring.

#

Well I'm back to switching huddler off lol, I don't chat in it cause I barely have the patience for slowmode.

normal latch Jun 4, 2023, 11:51 PM

#

I guess chat's fixed, was buggy earlier. My besties are on 🥰

#

So weird, I prefer slow chats but hate slowmode lol. Idk, sometimes I get too shy in crowds and there's someone I get hella shy around.

#

Complimented 'em once, can't chat anymore

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 12:42 AM

#

That awkward part when I try to help Logan in Scrabble aaaaaaaaaaaaand we're both wrong lol

#

I'm very grateful for my friends, they bring me great joy. They also make me feel hella old but I love 'em anyway.

#

I'm still trying to get over people calling me mom......Granny's worse

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 4:07 AM

#

I feel so dumb, usually I don't talk about myself in a bad light public so I don't get called a drama queen again.

#

Wouldn't be the first time I was accused of being "attention hungry" during bad incidents too but might be too weird to talk about here.

#

Granted that hasn't happened and probably wouldn't on this server but reading it period from a troll or something would trigger me.

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 4:36 AM

#

Is the day I leave this server, can't talk about stuff here.

#

catbongo

#

I'm feeling much better and well hyper. Too much coffee again. An ex was the same way, adhd and coffee. Might just watch George Lopez all night.

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 5:08 AM

#

I miss staying up and watching shows on Toonami and well Adult Swim period. Might again. Started listing but I like a lotta shows lol.

#

I'mma look at a career change. Maybe someday if I get over my triggers I'll be a nurse, till then I'm not all mentally there.

#

sees the teacher program.......

#

Hmmm weird, doesn't make me feel as bad as it used to

#

I guess that means I'm finally healing Idk

#

Used to make me sad, now I just feel hollow.

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 6:24 AM

#

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 6:58 AM

#

Hmm, thinking again about being a teacher.

#

I shouldn't care what Ms Sarcastic says.

#

Fam's against it too, older bro said I'd get nowhere and grandma was a teacher.

#

I guess that's their way of showing they care about me Idk. Not like I'd discourage people.

#

Something else that turned me off, an old besty might still work there. We haven't chatted in 10 yrs but she might remember me. Even if she doesn't, I still remember her since I remember people very well. Very well.

#

Not that she did a lotta bad things, it'd moreso be hella awkward.

#

thinks of all my friends from school 🥲

#

Yep, moreso awkward than bad things with 'em

#

A few yrs ago I started making a card game. It's kinda dumb but I like it sooo I might stay up all night on that.

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 7:47 AM

#

Sees the room I'd work in looks like my 1st grade classroom huh, Idk if that makes me happy or sad. Probably cause I barely remember that yr. I had such a nice teacher though. Besides a few bullies that eventually backed off and a weird teacher, my elementary yrs were great. When I started taking photos too when I was like 9. Idk if cameras with film's still a thing lol.

#

I forgot what all I wrote about here.....Kinda hope I didn't talk about what bullies did to me as it's pretty triggering.

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 10:53 AM

#

Hmm, back to square one of which career to choose. Turned myself off being a teacher now. I find everything fascinating but there's one thing I find most amazing and I have a little experience in but it's one of the best fields soooo of course has one of the most expensive programs.

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 11:17 AM

#

takes a career test and answers interested to everything 💀

#

Lol

#

Am loving the results of it though.

#

Wait....

#

I didn't know designers needed Bach degrees....

#

Fascinating

#

I did consider being one though, I'mma ask my older bro what he thinks

#

Hmm

#

Yeah I can't with the results

#

100% culinary arts, 100% design

#

Nah

#

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I got design again.....

#

Oh I can't be a writer

#

Lol

#

Wtf

#

I got choreographer too

#

I haven't danced in yrs. Used to take ballet, jazz, and tap lessons but that was a long time ago lol.

#

I still miss acting

#

I'm doing another quiz and there's a question if I like using a calculator or not 😂

#

Most of the time I can't do math in my head

#

sighs

#

I got a teacher

#

Translator's weird seeing for once though

#

Did consider being that but I haven't been practicing any language

#

I did get interested though after finding out my grandma was one

#

But Idk

#

Got choreographer again 😂

#

Music teacher....

#

The results listed like 6 kinda teachers....

#

Nvm, 18

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 12:41 PM

#

takes another quiz that I did before

#

first result's blogger

#

I did consider starting a blog but like I said, I'm not a good writer anyway.

#

👀

#

Set design 🥲

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 1:13 PM

#

Yeah I'm not surprised I got what I did, jobs in diff career fields again.

#

Guess I'll sleep now.

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 7:39 PM

#

Something I realized before I fell asleep, since I ponder life sometimes

#

Ever since I started taking career tests I pretty much get the same results.

#

Means my interests and stuff haven't changed much but

#

Back then, I got more business, engineering, and fewer arts. Nowadays it's the opposite.

#

But a result I always got

#

Graphic design

#

And I remember doing some in school, I loved it.

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 8:18 PM

#

Hmm, I used to dream in anime and always wanted to make one. Claymation also fascinates me. Growing up I loved Wallace and Gromit. Apparently motion design and animation's a part of graphic design. I thought it was just advertising.

#

notices it's the most expensive program mochieyes

#

Someday

#

I won't give up on that dream but rn it's just that, a dream. I gotta be realistic.

#

I'll just stick with my plan career-wise for now. Hopefully goes well to get life started.

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 9:41 PM

#

I love how where I live we gotta wait till college to taking a class on resume writing. It's legit apart of a program I'm looking at.

#

Fascinating

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 9:56 PM

#

🥲

#

I'm looking at getting more guinea pigs. Found one that looks like a combination of my old piggies.

#

Hmm

#

Guinea pigs like rats are very social animals and need a partner or so to be happy. Read somewhere hamsters like being alone.

#

I bring up the socialization cause in the bio of the guinea pig I'm currently looking at, it says he's very sociable anyway and needs a partner. I guess it's a nice heads-up for someone starting out.

#

Shadow was so happy when I got Link, wouldn't stop jumping.

#

Link loved cuddling and gave me kisses, Shadow didn't like being held.

normal latch Jun 5, 2023, 10:59 PM

#

Hmm

#

Just realized how weird it may seem that I hug and heart posts. Since I don't chat much.

#

🤷‍♀️

#

If I could actually hug everyone I would since pretty much everyone needs hugs though.

#

On a happier note, I started playing Rappelz again. A long time ago some friends got me interested in it and we played a similiar game. It's an mmorpg like WoW.

#

I completely forgot Prototype and Assassin's Creed existed lol. Used to love those too.

#

Man nostalgia kicked in, used to love playing restaurant tycoons and Chuzzle while jamming out to Selena Gomez and Britney.

#

Granted I was like 13 😂

#

Miss Pikmin too

#

Yeah I'll try to break that habit of reacting so much.

#

I'm sad Wildtangent doesn't have some of my fav games anymore. The Dream Chronicles series mostly. I think it was finding gems and solving puzzles, mystery and adventure.

#

Used to play games on my dad's pc and well since I can't do that anymore I pretty much forgot about 'em till now.

#

Yeah they pretty much have nothing I used to play. 🥲

#

Granted it was like 15 yrs ago so can't say I'm fully surprised.

normal latch Jun 6, 2023, 11:31 AM

#

Idk if I should try to overcome my social anxiety again and "revive" chats. Something about being told that I do makes me feel obligated to try. I haven't slept yet but in a great mood and not hella tired. Guess I'll run my errands today even though I've been saying that.

#

Reading my mom's journal gives me mixed emotions, mostly sadness though.

normal latch Jun 7, 2023, 9:59 PM

#

Well I'm in a great mood, watching Charlie's Angels again and I love the old show 🥲 . Might watch the Addams Family too. I finally got icecream yesterday and ate it all so I feel much better. Still gotta go take pics though sometime but it's hot and I don't do heat. catbongo

normal latch Jun 9, 2023, 12:01 AM

#

Almost forgot to write in this today lol, well I'm still in a great mood still and mom made caramel aaaand I'm eating all of it. Rn just chillaxing and watching Viva Piñata gameplays. I used to love playing the '06 and TIP games. Might watch Pikmin later too, also missing those. Earlier I got a little sad since I dm'd someone asking about their mental health since he's not comfy being open about it on the server. We don't dm anymore and I said I was more comfy just chatting on the server and we do. Idk if I should feel bad not offering advice to someone else but.....Well one time I got trolled harshly so I don't dm just anyone anymore. I'mma just turn dms to friends. Feels weird anyway getting spam.

normal latch Jun 9, 2023, 7:01 AM

#

I went looking at books since my mom has a shelf full of 'em. Books of many genres and found my bro's Beastars mangas soooo sooner or later I'mma read those. Still gotta finish Zelda TP and a comic I just started reading. But I also got stuck looking at an old photo album. Has some pics of my dad, even after 10 yrs I still remember how soft he was and feels like I took the pics as if everything happened yesterday. Also found a pic of Galveston beach and I miss it. Someday I'm moving down there but baby steps and Idk if I wanna move faraway from my bros, mom, and grandparents with how much I do for 'em and how supportive they are, most of the time at least. And lastly a pic of a visit to fam in Louisiana well....I might tell a story someday here.

normal latch Jun 9, 2023, 9:30 AM

#

Well I started working on my card game but got distracted making jewelry. 🥲

#

Rn just with rubber bands, later I'mma try to make clay charms since I looooooooooooove charm braceletes.

#

Used to make earrings too with origami, mostly cranes but I'd love to try with frogs or whatevs.

normal latch Jun 9, 2023, 10:29 AM

#

Yeah I can't even make a simple bracelet....Might just give up trying but I really wanna make something pride related and I haven't gotten more yarn yet.

normal latch Jun 9, 2023, 11:42 AM

#

Remembered how to make one kinda bracelet but gonna keep practicing the thing I gave up on earlier and look up more patterns.

#

Kinda thinking about my bf. I finally got in another relationship but I'm worried it's just gonna go south rq like the others.

normal latch Jun 9, 2023, 9:59 PM

#

Reading anything about flying planes makes me think of how I wanted to go into the Air Force someday but apparently my mental health doesn't let me. Used to be in an Air Force JRROTC flight, it's like an introduction of the Air Force and other local highschools had diff branches. A teacher got me interested in aerospace engineering and did a few flight sims. I also considered getting my pilots license someday and my grandma talked about signing me up for lessons. I used to have a fear of heights but got over it. ~Tangent lol~ anyway sometimes I think about a ball I signed my bro and his gf at the time up for. She used to be in the same JRROTC program as me and she loved it sooooo it was on her bday. I still remember some guy asking me to dance and me being a shy mess at the time I said no. Also remember my bro, his gf, and a friend trying to drag me onto the dancefloor....I was waaaay more shy in school and kinda had a crush on the friend sooo didn't wanna look dumb with my 2 left feet. 😂

#

He was in boy scouts, thinking about him makes me miss my girl scout days. I was just in it like 3 yrs though, a brownie then junior but was fun. I think I threw away my vests but kept a badge of a trip I remember. We went to watch a baseball game and camped on the field watching movies. Or maybe just one movie, Shark Tale. Still remember one of my troop leaders getting mad at me and yelling lol. She calmed down rq though and it was a fun time.

normal latch Jun 10, 2023, 12:50 AM

#

Maybe if I tell myself over and over again that it'll be fine then maybe it'll be fine, it'll be fine right?

normal latch Jun 10, 2023, 1:37 AM

#

Just broke up with my bf and we're not friends anymore. I got red flags and since I let red flags go way farther before for other guys to just get hurt yeah.....

normal latch Jun 10, 2023, 3:37 AM

#

My friends cheered me up and taking my meds. Feeling much better. Really I gotta start taking 'em daily....Think I haven't in like a week....Still gotta finish my jellyfish and start crocheting something pride colors.

normal latch Jun 10, 2023, 5:23 AM

#

Such a weird day yesterday, first I broke up with my bf then I got blocked or unfriended after telling someone I used to drink but recovered....I'm fine now but I guessed they just didn't wanna associate with me, Idk. Otherwise I'm still doing great. Gotta run errands later so gonna try to sleep before 2. catbongo

normal latch Jun 10, 2023, 11:03 AM

#

I took all my meds and some melatonin last night and crashed before 1 🥲 . Woke up at 6 well rested sooo progress.

#

Yeah back to having no inspiration in this

normal latch Jun 10, 2023, 11:27 AM

#

I kinda got distracted trying to work on my card game, by that I mean I got ideas for other games too lol. I miss trying to make video games, might still learn how to build and code using the game engine I used to love but I barely care for video games anymore. Apparently Zach plays Terraria sooo we might play together sooner or later.

#

I'm so bored I looked up writing prompts but....Well I guess they inspire others sure lol.

normal latch Jun 10, 2023, 2:36 PM

#

I'm out and about running errands soooo on my phone, been awhile since I've texted texted and spellcheck sucks 🥲

#

Can't go on a walk and take pics since it's raining

#

And typos from friends are funny, mine just make me feel hella old.

normal latch Jun 10, 2023, 11:06 PM

#

Apparently I do make my besty Logan happy and I get very happy knowing that. catbongo

#

Also ran into an old teacher today while running errands, he forgot me but mom and I remembered him. Reminded me of when I ran into my old speech teacher aaaaand she remembered me though. 🥲

normal latch Jun 11, 2023, 10:05 PM

#

I'm so proud of Logan, finally back to chatting and making more friends :'). Started being friends with one of my friends and they're busy chatting and might play Scrabble later. Not always good to play messenger and a "matchmaker" though as I lost friends before introducing people to eachother sooo just slightly worried. Both are still my friends and are happy and that's all that matters though. I started writing a short story last night that I'mma put here when I'm done but been feeling writer's block, plus I don't like spoiling but it's mostly good and wholesome but a little sad. Might take a nap instead of working on it or other things.

normal latch Jun 12, 2023, 8:21 AM

#

Idk if I'm improving my sleep schedule or not lol. Yesterday I passed out at 1 and woke up at 6....Last night 10 and woke up at 2.....I guess 5 hrs of restful sleep's still good... Hopefully I won't be nocturnal again though but I also want those other shop roles 🥲 .

#

I'm surprised it hasn't been 10 days yet

normal latch Jun 12, 2023, 8:52 AM

#

Gotta run a buncha errands today, gonna be nice getting out and about. Really any reason to get outta the house since otherwise I'm pretty much a shut-in.

normal latch Jun 12, 2023, 9:57 AM

#

A part of me wants to just sleep all day but Ik it's not good to.

#

Been raining then sunny out, I hate heat but I hate humidity more. Rain's nice but I'd take cold over heat any day and humidity's worse.

#

Idk how I got used to staying inside all the time.....

#

I'mma look into therapy, I do fairly well self-coping but that only goes so far depending on situations.

normal latch Jun 12, 2023, 10:45 AM

#

I got stuck looking at old screenshots of games I used to play, the chats lol. I love how some people need "hax" to get kos and can't aim and get kos legit or well even mess up cmds while getting rekt 😂

normal latch Jun 12, 2023, 11:48 AM

#

Someday I should build up the courage to give advice more often on the server

#

I can be pretty shy though, suck with words, or just seem outta touch but

#

Idk

#

IT things are interesting and an old convo I almost jumped into

#

almost goes on a tangent more meh

#

Also could use cloth tape though, some use duct tape but obviously not the best idea ever.

normal latch Jun 13, 2023, 12:52 AM

#

I considered not writing in this anymore, guess I can't just delete it though. Apparently I gotta put the bots in here to get the roles aaaaaaaand Idk how lol. I feel so dumb and I'm too shy to ask anyone how. I'll write in this anyway since I do find relief in writing but getting rid of the reactions feel weird now....I'll figure out the bots someday or well get the courage to ask.

normal latch Jun 13, 2023, 1:07 AM

#

Might try to make a teddy now, wish I could actually give him one. I've always wanted to send a friend actual gifts since I make lots of things and giving's fun, if only I had friends irl or long time online friends to send stuff to. CatShy

normal latch Jun 13, 2023, 3:02 AM

#

Wish I wasn't a shy mess, can't even chat with someone I like....Idk how I can tell some people I like 'em but not others....Ik it's good to be open and honest but also a time and place for things and I don't want 'em to think of me badly and things to be awkward and I'm a shy mess and Idk 'em know 'em but they're a great person Ik and we have a lot in common but they're going through a lot anyway and I'm already a burden in my own head and don't wanna be a bother to 'em and I like someone else but Ik this other person way more and why do people have to be so great? Omg 😭 I just wanna hug 'em both so badly. Tempted again to leave....I'm worried if I try chatting I'mma look dumb and scare 'em off.....

normal latch Jun 13, 2023, 3:17 AM

#

BunnyPray

#

I've accepted the fact I'll never chat with 'em and now moving on.

normal latch Jun 13, 2023, 3:40 AM

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I started doing trivia quizzes again and I love doing HP ones most since I love everything Harry Potter and I'm a Ravenclaw and I finally got a quiz done and I'm so proud of myself. 3367catjump

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Now Logan and I are doing 'em together. 🥰

normal latch Jun 13, 2023, 5:06 AM

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Of course he does quizzes on history and geography as usual lol. We took turns on stuff we thought we knew till we both rage quit. 🥲

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Might just read mangas. Took a nap sooo screwed up my sleep schedule again lol.

normal latch Jun 13, 2023, 11:33 PM

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I wanna...."Give" an item again but....Idk....I don't want anyone assuming things and the attention again. Granted I guess me reacting in fluster didn't help though....Still wish I could hug anon....Plus busy playing Scrabble with Logan and thinking about my crush. catbongo

normal latch Jun 14, 2023, 5:33 AM

#

😔

#

Guess I'll slowly get over another crush now

#

Somehow

#

I wish I didn't get attached to people so quickly, just leads to heartbreak.

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But at least he'll be happy, like everybody else without me bugging 'em anymore.

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Oh to be a hopeless romantic

normal latch Jun 14, 2023, 6:36 AM

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God I'm freezing....I remembered how to crochet the blanket again though soooo I'm cheered up a little 🥰

normal latch Jun 14, 2023, 6:53 AM

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I can't focus on the damn blanket nvm 1553_so_many_tears

normal latch Jun 14, 2023, 7:36 AM

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Might just hide in here.......Got triggered....

#

Hmm

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Been awhile since I did a collage catbongo

normal latch Jun 14, 2023, 8:01 AM

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mochieyes

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awkward turtle hides

#

I wonder if I have any old magazines or just catalogs I can use....Hmm....I miss making dioramas too now. Omg

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Just realized dioramas are technically sets soooo set designs 🥹

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That brings me much joy and Idk why

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Probably cause I miss camp

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🥲

normal latch Jun 14, 2023, 10:52 PM

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I went to sleep so couldn't finish that tangent earlier. I forgot about it but bummed out now. Apparently I can't eat some of my fav foods just cause I'm allergic to latex. Just ate one sooooo having reactions and got curious so I looked it up. I'm already intolerant to eggs and dairy too. 1553_so_many_tears

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Makes me sad thinking I might be stuck with artificial dyes and flavors.

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Especially dyes but everything in moderation

normal latch Jun 14, 2023, 11:53 PM

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I can't say who but I admire someone very much.

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 4:10 AM

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Finally something all my fault, I'll just give up on love now.

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Somehow chatting like that cheers me up....How odd....

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I wish Logan and Zach were on....

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Ok Logan is so I'm good catbongo

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I hope Zach's ok, bro's always stressed

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 5:21 AM

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Just another horrible, recent incident that's mostly my fault that I gotta live with.

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 6:14 AM

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For some reason

#

And feeling guilty but.....Idk....I get a feeling he's already moving on and I'm feeling better.

#

I wouldn't be surprised if I'm blocked anyway.

#

I'd block someone "scaring" me too.

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 6:30 AM

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I'm fine

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 6:50 AM

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😔

#

I'mma just focus on other things, gonna start a blanket for my puppy. My chest hurts too. Not right for me to play with feelings. Ik it's horrible since I always get played, shouldn't do it either.

#

Damn my shyness

#

I can't do anything right

#

I still can't believe.....Others would get involved.....Not good to get people involved....Rumors could be made and stuff could look bad.....

#

Ik I LOVE being the center of attention and called out.....

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Last time I'm open and honest with my feelings

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 7:53 AM

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Maybe someday soon, my rose will bloom

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No sunshine though, only rain

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And it's all my fault

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 8:12 AM

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Can't decide if I should check my FRs or not.....I'm scared

#

Like

#

Do I give a million chances as usual even though it usually doesn't work out?

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Or just move on like I said I would?

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It's not good to play with hearts

#

I can be flirty, even to my friends. I love making new friends, rushing into a relationship's never a good idea. I started to see that I misunderstand men. I do miss hints sometimes and social cues.

#

Hmmm

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Or well it's easy to get compliments and flirting mixed up, Idk.

#

Maybe I'd give another friend a teddy bear if they said they needed hugs or something too.

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Idk how people make relationships work after starting things awkward. Granted......This ended better than another one.....

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1553_so_many_tears

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I wish my bro was on....He gives me great relationship advice....

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Or

#

Zach

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BunnySad

#

Just noticed another guy hasn't posted in almost a week....Probably busy writing though.....

#

We had a falling out, tempted to check the dms he left.

#

Hmm

#

Conflicted emotions......

#

He apologized for his blowup, the same person I mentioned before here. He wanted to talk about it and felt bad.

#

I ignored him thinking he well...Was still mad....

#

5 days

#

Hmm

#

After we broke up....He said he needed a day or 2 break from me, I guess to get over his feelings. I hope he's ok.

#

Idk why I get such joy seeing my pal Will randomly saluting people 😂

#

I'm still sad he left the server, bro carried newcomer lounge

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Such a vibe to have around 🥲

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Unlike me, I wish I wasn't boring

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 9:19 AM

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Hmmmm

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Ooooo

#

Can't decide if I should reach out to 'em or not.....

#

Usually reaching out to old friends doesn't end well

#

Hella weary but

#

One's my ex and the other's more.....I guess sincere than another friend after a falling out was.....

#

That friend would be Ms Sarcastic

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand done, guess I'll turn dms off again

#

Not like anyone would dm me anyway

#

🥲

#

Warms my heart seeing him happy, sent 'em both FRs and hopefully they accept.

#

"Time heals all wounds"

#

Hmm

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 9:43 AM

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normal latch Idk how people make relationships work after starting things awkward. Granted......

Tempting.....

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Ok nvm, I forgot his tag

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Probably for the best

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 10:16 AM

#

Charlie's been following me around the house all day rubbing on me purring mochieyes

#

I think he can tell I'm sad

#

Him and the puppies never fail to make me smile.

#

mochieyes

#

Welp, I just got an idea lol, guess I'll talk about how it goes here 😅

#

I didn't do it

#

Not that I got shy, some things are best kept in the past and best left unsaid.

#

Reaching out to any of my old "friends" just seems like trouble

#

My bro's on, I'mma ask him for advice.

#

Accepted my FR

#

Hopefully Chris does too 🤞

#

Did read his journal though

#

Just

#

Doesn't help me wanting to chat

#

It's weird, we're pretty good for eachother and yet there's a divide

#

Now that I remember, I did ask Will for advice too.

#

He said I should give another chance if someone's great till well I brought up the words "force" and "scares"

#

Then it was just an oh sh- moment

#

Hmm

#

I wonder how Christian's doing....

#

But yeah, one would hope we join mental health servers for comfort and relief instead of getting hurt

#

Sooooo yeah

#

Made me feel worse reading that, guess I deserve it though

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 11:38 AM

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I'mma sleep now.....I'll consider checking that FR later if it's still there and I wouldn't be surprised if it's not. Can't think straight and hurting. Not that I matter. Still wondering if I'll stay here or not too. I'm pretty useless and worthless here.

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 1:13 PM

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Can't sleep, checked the FR aaaaand nobody Ik sooo I don't accept FRs from people Idk. I'm just glad it's not from him so I'm relieved cause I really considered explaining the "scare" part and trying to work stuff out again. Granted he nor anyone else has to give me any more chances anyway. I guess it's over then.

normal latch Jun 15, 2023, 2:48 PM

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I'm happy, Christian and I started chatting again

#

We've been friends like 2 months now

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So it's easier to talk about things

#

More comfy

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And well, we're together now

#

normal latch Jun 16, 2023, 3:58 AM

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Things are going so great. Everyone's healed and I'm so happy with Christian. catbongo

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Hopefully it stays that way.

normal latch Jun 16, 2023, 6:49 AM

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I was looking through old chats....Noticed like 6 people I used to chat with left the server.....

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And I thought I was sad when I checked newcomers to see people leave right before I welcome 'em 1553_so_many_tears

normal latch Jun 16, 2023, 6:03 PM

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Learned my lesson of being open and honest's bad, especially with emotions. I used to not be, guess I won't be again anymore. Hopefully my last posts weren't seen.

normal latch Jun 16, 2023, 7:05 PM

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Yeah I can't carry newcomers lol, might beg Will to rejoin catbongo

normal latch Jun 16, 2023, 11:01 PM

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Guess I'll leave a note here before I forget since my memory sucks but I just got writing inspiration and an idea for a novel. Note to self: has to do with my new oc and pfp. Still gotta work on my other novel though with old ocs.

normal latch Jun 17, 2023, 12:36 AM

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I have a smidge of motivation to write, I'm so glad I worked stuff out with Chris. He's a big inspiration for me, think I mentioned that here before though.

normal latch Jun 17, 2023, 4:18 AM

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I can't write still.....Why must I ruin chances with someone so perfect for me?......I wish I didn't suck with words....I go to give advice but I can't read things right, everything I put just looks like alphabet soup. 1553_so_many_tears

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People are soooooo nice saying my writing's great when it's not

#

Such a passion just seems like a trigger now

#

I hate having so many ideas and being interested in lots of things but no damn motivation to start or continue working on and finish. Still gotta finish things I started like 6 yrs ago.....

#

Ugh

#

Decided I'm taking my meds after 4 days, hate 'em cause side effects but helps mentally sure.

normal latch Jun 18, 2023, 8:53 PM

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Recently got outta crisis, guess I shouldn't chat, especially after reading anything about addiction and drinking. Triggered flashbacks and I just shutdown. Of course I make others feel bad accidently...As usual....

#

Things with Christian were a little rocky this morning. We worked things out though. I think, I hope.

#

A bro had to go to the hospital yesterday, he's coming home today and finally getting back into therapy. I should too but took me forever to get the courage to even reach out to a helpline. If it wasn't for Logan then I probably wouldn't have period. He's hella shy too with social anxiety but gave me hope and courage in reaching out for help.

#

If he can, I can too.

normal latch Jun 18, 2023, 11:56 PM

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I feel so silly putting those "welcome to the server" reactions on people that have been here updating their intros 😂

#

Would just look weird without 'em lol

#

mochieyes

#

First people talk about Pokemon now Zelda....Damn my shyness lol

#

I'm still trying to get over how Zach loves NV too

#

Oh all the ways they could troll rn lol

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Thank god for my shyness, I'm hyper though 3367catjump

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Think I'mma clean....Started working on the blanket but meh....Soon

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gets distracted watching a fav show mochieyes

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Ehhh I'mma try to clean my room anyway

#

Ehh I feel bad now putting a looking emoji in someone's journal lol, Ik at first thinking people reading my journal freaked me out. Ik this isn't a private thing though.

normal latch Jun 19, 2023, 3:15 AM

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Hmm, I've been missing someone lately but I can't say who. Very tempted to reach out to him though.....Ik it's not smart though but I loved him a lot....Damn heart...Damn emotions.....Ugh

#

Guess I'll try it, don't think he'd accept a FR anyway. BunnyPray

normal latch Jun 19, 2023, 4:30 AM

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I haven't yet reached out to that "friend" yet....Christian's going through a moment and I should try to comfort him. Just wish I could be there in person to keep him safe and warm.

normal latch Jun 19, 2023, 5:51 AM

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He's home, ok, and safe. I'm still tempted to reach out to that "friend" but meh, Idk. I'm looking at jobs and apartments. Apparently we'd pretty much be doing the same job sooo reading up on the differences. Kinda tempted to switch to his but Idk. I kinda already do the same tasks but the career I wanna go into means I'd get to work in more places.

normal latch Jun 19, 2023, 6:22 AM

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I uhhh finally got some motivation to write. My first story like it so it won't be good anyway but still fun. 😂

#

Hopefully I can actually finish something for once though catbongo

normal latch Jun 19, 2023, 6:47 AM

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Hmm, yeah I blame all my friends for the sudden inspiration lol. Just thought of a poem for someone else. Not that it'd be too obvious who it's about though.

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Well kinda I guess

#

I already wrote it then they came into my life sooo fitting 🤷‍♀️

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Might change some words then put it here

normal latch Jun 19, 2023, 5:15 PM

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Finally asked Zach for advice, he knows people very well and he's my go-to for relationship or just people advice period. All good and I'm relieved.

normal latch Jun 19, 2023, 11:04 PM

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Finally finished a story, can't share it here but I'm quite proud of it. 🥲

#

By that I mean I'm showing my friends and bf so they can convince me to quit writing lol.

#

It's fun trying though, I might just stick with poetry.

#

I guess I'm more proud of myself actually getting something done finally....Now to work on other stories. catbongo

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 12:54 AM

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Hmm, damn my shyness sadturtle . Apparently one of my bf's friends wants to chat with me and it freaked me out. They're very good friends but me rejecting since I'm shy and see it as rushing meeting friends or fam so quickly and sure it's not irl and that'd really be rushing. I'm worried she's gonna talk him into breaking up with me. My bro tried too but failed. But since I'm great at seeing "both sides of the same coin," I said maybe later since it's just reassurance that he's with someone nice or at least good for him I guess. Never good to rush things, barely ever works out. It's odd...Sometimes I like making new friends, sometimes I don't.

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 1:13 AM

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I'm so proud of my friend for making a journal 🥲 . Now they can share their stories aaaaaaaaaaaand I hope never read this 😅 .

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 6:02 AM

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Hmm, Idk if I should be happy or not that my "ex" didn't accept my FR. Probably for the best cause of our falling out.....Meh

#

I put ex in quotes cause complicated

#

He claimed we were a couple when we weren't, we were just friends. Besties.

#

Bumpy friendship though.....I'd vent about it but....Idk...I mighta already

#

Sounds familiar cause of a recent incident, that's the divide. Being weary of friendships like that. One person thinks we're a couple when I think we're just friends. A disconnect, a lack of communication then when it comes to light, then it's hella awkward anyway sometimes depending on the rest of the convo. I guess some wouldn't understand though barely ever being played. Which is good, sooner or later we all learn most of the time though. And some learn worse than others sadly.

#

But I guess it doesn't matter, hmm

#

Been forever since I did prompts...

#

Hmm

#

Yeah I'd rather not think about him, long story and kinda complicated. I'm just glad I didn't meet another person like him and hopefully won't.

#

Yeah, I have new friends. They're way better than my old friends. Ik I should focus on 'em and move on fully and pretty much did but....Idk...I have a bad habit of reaching out to old friends. Ya know, checking up on 'em.

#

Sometimes I wish I turned "cold" and didn't get attached to people not worth my time and effort and hella caring of 'em. Even after being brushed off and repeated heartbreaks.

#

Lots of bad habits to break....

#

It's a problem seeing the good in everyone, more likely to let bad people in and keep 'em around. It's mentally exhausting.

#

More likely to trust and give lots of chances....Cherish the good memories even if rare.....Not just focus on the negatives even though they sometimes overshadow the positives then the positives are forgotten. Forgive the small bad things if ya love 'em....More likely to miss 'em and go back.

#

Tangent, kinda blank out while writing lately

#

Yeah I'mma work on that one poem I mentioned a day or 2 ago

#

reads everything I already wrote 😔

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 6:36 AM

#

normal latch Yeah I'd rather not think about him, long story and kinda complicated. I'm just ...

sees the poem I wrote about him

#

I'm fine

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 7:10 AM

#

Hmm

#

I think to delete this, I'd have to delete every post then the journal itself. Something about me not doing anything bad to myself.....Funny someone would care to suggest that.....

#

Ehhh I doubt it, pretty sure nobody here cares about me. No reason to, I barely chat and have friends.

#

Still wish I could give him an actual blanket, maybe someday.

#

Which reminds me....I still gotta make a buncha stuff.

#

Idk why but I get joy seeing others type in their journals, Idk, I guess I just like seeing others write and being creative or something. Not that I read 'em all anyway.

#

For me writing's a coping skill and great for venting, usually through poetry even though I haven't been writing any. I really wanna write some short stories instead.

#

Sometimes it's a good skill, sometimes bad depending on my mood I guess. Like when I'm asked how my writing's coming along aaaand I just shutdown in shame or something.

#

I wish I was good at something, wish I had the motivation and could actually focus to master anything. Still nothing wrong with trying good things and having fun though.

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 8:34 AM

#

Man, I wish I knew who to thank for reminding me blocking's a thing. I didn't even have anyone blocked in this server lol. Ik I'm blocked by at least 3 people though. And I delete old chats to help people I don't chat with anymore forget me. Good to see others do too. Makes sense remembering jokes and good times would be painful but I guess that makes me a bad person Idk.

#

BunnyPray

#

I never forget people, so whatevs helps 'em forget me coolthumbsup

#

Oh, just remembered why I didn't block people before lol

#

Cause then I get curious and click on the message anyway 😅

#

Idk, easier to gloss over it otherwise, meh

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 5:36 PM

#

Relationships are messy for sure, that messy's just nope. Ik that too well and it's good people block eachother.

#

Ya know it's bad when people can't actually chat with eachother period and feel like they need to hide to get a word in edgewise.

#

Hide, in many ways.

#

Kinda tempted to give 'em advice before things get worse. But nah, turned it off again. It's too much.

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 6:02 PM

#

Anyway, Christian and I are going great still. I might watch one of my fav shows. catbongo

#

Ooooo feeling like writing all of a sudden hmmm, still wanna try those prompts from yesterday.

#

Hmm, I just got an idea after finding out Zach's a writer. Well a story at least but writer's block I guess too.

#

Speaking of Zach

#

He's gonna get a real laugh after I tell him some news I just read :).

#

By far the nicest thing a guy's said though.

#

🤭

#

But yeah, almost forgot to ask him if he already has any of his story made. Might help him write it.

#

But yeah, I don't see a point blocking people soooo I won't bother. 2 I moved on from and the other I never chatted with soooo 🤷‍♀️ .

#

Guess it's just something good to remember though in case they're pains.

#

I went back and deleted a goodbye post lol, I knew it wouldn't matter. I'm used to explaining why I stop chatting with people sooo it's a bad habit. I used to think it was hella unfair and bad to leave people hanging. I hate goodbyes though.

#

As usual

#

I just get played, doesn't help my trust issues with men

#

Thank god for the actual good guys in my life though helping me get over 'em, even just slowly.

#

Very grateful for my bf, besties, and well my bros. Finally found some great guys.

#

I'd say screw all the old but that'd make me seem like I care, Idk why I cared period. People that talk stuff on exes and stuff well....Means they're heartbroken and still getting over it cause hurting sooo venting as a coping mechanism. Not healthy lingering on old, failed relationships and friendships. I sometimes get passing thoughts though but they don't last long.

#

Guess I'll check on Christian and start writing. catbongo

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 7:14 PM

#

I hope others find peace and happiness as I have. It's not healthy for the mind, body, and soul to stay mad and hateful BunnyPray

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 7:50 PM

#

Hmm, I'm probably just "overthinking" again and misunderstanding but patience's a virtue. Plus chatting with a friend anyway is calming.

#

Idk, worried I'mma be kicked outta yet another community I feel accepted in at some point.

#

I'm happy, a friend accepted a FR catbongo

#

She's nice, might reach out to another gal pal too.

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 8:32 PM

#

Why must my 19 yr old friends make me feel hella old? 😭

#

Man first 'em calling me "granny" now saying "hella old consoles" like bruh. Love and hate 'em so much sometimes lol.

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 9:10 PM

#

Evie went to bed, I keep forgetting diff timezones are a thing. Gonna be sooo happy when Christian gets home. eveheart

#

He got home not soon after. bunnylove

#

Now I really miss fishing, don't miss one hook though mochieyes

#

Hmm, I suddenly wanna go camping too....

#

Just used to with fam though, Idk if we all could go camping again.

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 9:46 PM

#

Yeah I'm looking at camping, might go to an old, fam fav spot. Chat's nice rn. Reassuring, wise, and oh so true. 🥲

#

Oh I spoke too soon. Hope they get to feeling better....

#

Yeah seems familiar sooo I'mma just not give advice. Wouldn't wanna come off rude or something. I'm misunderstood a lot anyway.

normal latch Jun 20, 2023, 11:27 PM

#

mochieyes

#

Just remembered I gotta start a hat for my bro.

#

If I can find my yarn....Hmm

normal latch Jun 21, 2023, 3:08 AM

#

There's a pride parade coming up I'mma go to. I regret not making anything rainbow sooner. I don't have enough of the colors to make something I was thinking of BUT I just got an idea of what I can make instead, working with what I got. Might be faster too since I'm bad at changing colors sometimes. Means embroidery though. 🥲 Something I'm for sure bad at lol but meh, practice makes perfect. I could never hand sew right, miss machine sewing though.

normal latch Jun 21, 2023, 7:08 AM

#

Wow I look good with purple hair. I'm kinda glad for that privacy rules whatevs, don't think anyone would wanna see me anyway. I'm pretty ugly lol and well hate all my facial features. But I like playing around with pic filters, might dye my hair purple still. mochieyes

#

I'm still trying to get over one guy asking me to be his gf after I showed him a selfie aaaand right after we started chatting. I don't do that anymore, showing someone so quick. That was a few months ago, I barely chat with anyone anymore since I got a bf now.

#

We communicate very well too, he's ok with my few guy friends, I'm ok with his gal pals :).

#

I wish people didn't lie to me though....Guys used to spam my selfies with heart emojis and everyone called me pretty. 🤷‍♀️

#

I just don't see it....I was never good with mirrors in a way....

#

My besty suggested I clean my mirrors and perhaps the "specks of dust" are the imperfections instead of the beauty marks. She's usually busy though so we don't chat a lot anymore. 1553_so_many_tears

#

She'd fit right in here, just like me but I guess more....Serious and way smarter. Not as goofy and trusting, wouldn't tolerate bs. We met through a mutual ex sooo at least she's my silver lining. 🥲

normal latch Jun 21, 2023, 9:13 AM

#

Might stay up working on my vest.

#

Even with a headache

#

Gotta run errands later sooo can't sleep all day

#

A vent earlier....Ik the channel's called rant and vent sure but kinda convinced me to hide that channel too.

#

I'll just say addictions suck and I still wonder about mine 😔

normal latch Jun 21, 2023, 9:47 AM

#

I kinda wanna....Idk....Reach out to someone and ask if he's ok. I guess it's my heart and bad habits talking though.

#

I used to say it's better to follow the brain over the heart but since I quit therapy or well started giving up hope on life, emotions take over aaaaand without much help besides self-coping which only goes so far they spiral outta control.

#

Been awhile since I checked but surely since everything's better should be good too.

#

Oh mochieyes

#

Well that's one way to cope I guess lol

#

I needed a laugh though

#

Almost

#

Talked about

#

Someone but the tangent's a damn page long

#

sadness

#

I might need to read the funny thing again Idk

#

Or

#

I was gonna put this in cried

#

Sometimes I think about a guy I loved and I thought was my best friend.
He said he loved me back and we flirted.

#

Later on another friend told me he was already married with kids...

#

And I realized how badly he treated me sometimes...

#

But I'll always love him and hope the best, even after our last falling out.

#

I tried to support him, compliment, and other nice things.

#

He ignored me and pretended I was nothing around his friends.

#

I can't help feeling played and heartbroken.

normal latch Jun 21, 2023, 10:51 AM

#

I forgot to mention, thx to him a "divide" for me is a thing

#

Oh well

#

Still doubt anyone actually reads this

normal latch Jun 21, 2023, 11:48 AM

#

3 more hrs till I have to run my errands.

#

Then sleeping all day when I get home.

#

So tired with a headache, almost forgot to tell Christian gm and to have a good day like I usually do. I'mma try to take a nap and set an alarm, hopefully it wakes me up.

normal latch Jun 21, 2023, 9:31 PM

#

Well I did set an alarm and I did wake up to it, to my mom cancelling plans 🥲 . I slept well though. Gotta start chores soon, full of energy. catbongo

#

I've been kinda bored listening to mostly K-pop so I asked my friend Evie what she listens to. Apparently she also loves Eminem, suggested I listen to Stan like yep lol. Love Recovery, Pink, and Rihanna. Love Riri's 2nd part of Love too.

#

I'm still tempted to put a compliment in the compliment above channel. Idk, I like to randomly compliment people or at least used to way more. I guess being hurt a lot helps to break that habit.

#

But I don't deserve any compliments to keep it going

normal latch Jun 21, 2023, 11:05 PM

#

Sooo Idk, guess I'll turn it off again instead of putting a tangent.

#

I'd hate to leave such great people behind anyway, finally have actual friends and a bf. Makes me feel selfish, something I hate.

normal latch Jun 22, 2023, 3:04 AM

#

I think I'm finally over my old "friends," gave up on 'em like they did me a long time ago and I don't wanna try to reach out anymore. Guess that means I'm finally healing Idk.

normal latch Jun 22, 2023, 4:14 AM

#

Just got tempted to dm someone. Idk if he'd like that though sooo I'll ask after I get the stories done and see what he thinks. Might stay up all night trying to write and working on my vest still.

#

I kinda wanna be his friend anyway sooo Idk, I might get over the past.

normal latch Jun 22, 2023, 6:26 AM

#

Ehhh I was gonna leave my dms on but just realized if someone doesn't wanna friend me then maybe they don't wanna chat anymore either. I should respect that.

#

Dude and I haven't chatted in like a month after I turned dms off.
Hope he's ok at least.

#

Told him I wouldn't bug him unless he accepts my FR and it's a-ok.

normal latch Jun 22, 2023, 6:49 AM

#

Just realized, I didn't have my daily headache yesterday.....Already have today's though....

#

🥲

#

I may be getting worse but knowing my friends and bf are doing and feeling better brings me great joy.

#

Someone's moved on, thank God PrayGrovyle

#

I was starting to feel bad

#

Reading the vent

#

Oh well

#

I'mma be sooo happy when I get those 2 last shop tags lol

#

Instead of "gifting" people things, considered doing that to friends but wouldn't wanna make Christian worry. I asked him beforehand and he said it's ok but meh.

#

Like 4k gone lol

#

Mostly to my bear though so I'm happy.

#

Times like this I'm sooo glad I didn't apply to be a mod, I just got triggered and can't explain things....Then again I did get ignored already.

#

Idk if I should ping 'em either or just let people vent....Wrong channel sure but I can't stop shaking....

#

Plus I'm hella shy anyway, I opened a ticket and yet couldn't even follow through on that. I felt bad just bugging the mods period.

#

Yeah, I don't wanna micromod either constantly reminding people channels.

#

Might go take pics, I've been saying that forever though.

#

I think I mentioned sewing yesterday or the day before.

#

Reminds me that I always wanted to make a purse. My grandma's got a lotta fabric and a sewing machine. I think also a purse pattern.

#

I still gotta make a lotta linings for my crocheted bags mochieyes

#

Might still make one for my uncle too. Lots of things to make, so little motivation still 🥲

#

I'm just glad I don't have to worry about any broken hearts now.

#

Never did look for my yarns....

#

Can't decide if I should stay up and try to write still or sleep....Not doing much as usual later....

#

There's an idea I had but it might not work

#

By that I mean I might not be able to do it, not in time, or it wouldn't matter.

#

Which makes me sad.

#

Already probably won't get my vest done in time since I'm hella slow crocheting. I like to make sure I have the right tension and miss sts. Or well getting confused counting rows, rnds, or st counts.

#

Plus the thought of embroidery's daunting lol

#

Back when I took classes, we hand sewed a little but mostly machines.

#

I miss taking classes and camps now.

#

Mood rn

#

Idk, might chat more in huddler someday. Too silly usually or crowded.

#

And well slowmode, I see the point of it though.

#

So tired I almost forgot to fix my dm role, I guess it doesn't matter much though. Usually the only thing I lie about is how I'm feeling.

#

Not like that matters much either though.

#

Hmm

#

Been awhile since I contacted a helpline I guess but too tired now, meh.

#

I don't see a point in 'em, they're all the same. They all say the same things. I already have a safety plan and so what? That only goes so far.

#

I took my pills after 2 days again. Those only help so much. Of course the side effects kicked in....

#

Idk how to censor that so I just deleted it.

#

I think I had an episode and put it here....

#

Oh, right, guess I'll move on then....Should sleep actually

dry boughBOT Jun 22, 2023, 4:29 PM

#

Well done @spice canopy ! you are rewarded with <@&1051527531527938149> for having made an entry in your journal on 25 different days.

normal latch Jun 22, 2023, 4:38 PM

#

Idk how it got in here but thx whoever put the bot in eveheart

normal latch Jun 22, 2023, 7:45 PM

#

Tw, substance mention: I finally gave in and bought some alcohol. I didn't get a lot and I don't like getting drunk but I told Christian I drink period and he didn't like that. I feel bad making him feel bad since I didn't know his situation and I'm worried about him breaking up with me over it. I apologized and said I wouldn't mention it anymore.
Awhile ago, we asked eachother's triggers or just topics to avoid
and he said he barely had any.

#

I can't help but feel bad anyway. 1553_so_many_tears

normal latch Jun 23, 2023, 5:46 AM

#

I guess TW substance again: I ran outta booze on/off drinking. I don't get drunk though, just buzzed. It helps clear my head. Like the only times I forget people, don't have headaches, and don't overthink. I realized some things though. I noticed how my relationship is and how a friendship was. Guess I won't go into details now though but puts my thoughts into diff perspectives. Was tempted to get more though but didn't.

#

Wish my nearest liquor store was open 24/7 rn.....

#

1553_so_many_tears

normal latch Jun 23, 2023, 6:37 AM

#

Well I feel better after resting and lots of water. Might try writing or play Scrabble. I miss playing with Logan.

normal latch Jun 23, 2023, 4:00 PM

#

I don't remember yesterday. Trying to remember just gives me a headache. Gotta clean since my bro's visiting, we got more icecream and I ate pretty much it all again. Someday I'll get lactose free but the stuff we get is hella good. 🥲

normal latch Jun 23, 2023, 11:58 PM

#

Just got done playing games with the fam, we played Skipbo and CAH. I mighta won pretty much at both lol. Been a long time since we all got together, apparently bro's gonna visit more often. UNO's fun too but we don't talk about how much I los- I mean totes didn't get rekt. 🥲

normal latch Jun 24, 2023, 2:33 AM

#

Hmm, was gonna answer the qotd but Idk if I can explain my answer. I read faction then mercenary and went lol though. bunnylove

#

^Technically NV related yeah

normal latch Jun 24, 2023, 5:02 AM

#

Oh damn, can't react to some posts. Oh well. I might try to write still. I did get a little giddy reading about slingshots and bows earlier since I have one and used to use my bro's bow. Archery's fun. catbongo

normal latch Jun 24, 2023, 7:02 AM

#

We're finally talking about relationship stuff.

#

And oh god I suck with words rn

#

I guess another crisis averted BunnyPray

#

For now

#

feels a panic attack coming on anyway 😔

normal latch Jun 24, 2023, 7:25 AM

#

I'm tempted to ask for advice again but 1. I feel kinda guilty bugging people, especially Zach even though he doesn't mind and he's an angel and 2. There needs to be good communication, happiness, and mutual trust to make a relationship work soooo one would think we should talk things out like adults. Slowly but surely.

normal latch Jun 24, 2023, 7:58 AM

#

I miss Logan but he still wants time alone I guess 1553_so_many_tears

#

Hmm, first time I'm reading someone's intro and they leave 😢

#

Damn

#

Just remembered the pride parade mochieyes

#

Aaaaaaand how I didn't make anything pride lol

#

Well my first idea was a rainbow striped shawl then realized I didn't have enough of every color sooooo I thought a white vest embroidered with rainbows but I'm slow as hell crocheting soooo nope still.

#

Then realized something earlier, I have an old jacket or 2 I could put patches on or just flat out embroider. 🤷‍♀️

#

I like patchwork anyway.

#

Lol

#

I miss playing healer with my friends on an mmorpg now. Is fun being support.

#

I kinda forgot Rappelz exists again. mochieyes

#

Not that I have friends to play with anymore, grind's real solo.

#

Man, that takes me back thinking of 'em. Amazing what all happens in 10 yrs.

normal latch Jun 24, 2023, 8:47 AM

#

Think I'mma try getting back into Terraria, kinda miss playing with my bros now. Granted they're pains of course lol. Might make one of 'em make the house for once.

#

Plus Christian plays Terraria sooo maybe we can play together sometime. catbongo

#

I wouldn't be surprised if he's pure evil too lol.

#

Hmm, a game I still gotta try's Genshin.

#

An old besty got me interested in it but Idk, pretty much forgot after we had a falling out.

normal latch Jun 24, 2023, 8:34 PM

#

roosadpanda

normal latch Jun 25, 2023, 6:34 AM

#

Just broke up with my bf. 🥲

#

I might just give up on love

normal latch Jun 26, 2023, 10:34 PM

#

Well I was doing much better thx to friends cheering me up but Idk anymore. Someone reminded me that I can ask advice here but I just said no. Didn't tell 'em that I'm comfy more with friends. That mighta just changed though. Asked a friend for advice and he said "whatevs" and that he was "moving on" from the convo. Great stuff to read rn, especially from an ex. Reminds me of Christian too, miss him. A part of me wishes he had tried friending me and wanted to work things out like I did after a falling out. Guess he's just moving on quicker or already did. And I don't think I'd be called a "drama queen" or "attention hog" here but being called that stuff before period discourages me being open and sharing. Stuff I put here less people see anyway.

normal latch Jun 26, 2023, 11:20 PM

#

Cue another friend telling me there's more people to chat with in the world....
Told him I'm hella shy and wouldn't vibe with everyone. StitchCuddle

#

sighs

#

Might be a good idea avoiding exes though.
I guess cause past drama.

normal latch Jun 27, 2023, 2:09 AM

#

Oh have the tables have turned. Finally giving Zach advice after all the help he did me 🥲 . Mine's not as good though, I'm still glad I don't give mental health advice since I just shutdown reading anything bad or sad. 😔

normal latch Jun 27, 2023, 8:33 AM

#

😔

#

Forgot I can't talk about stuff here.....

#

Can't talk about stuff anywhere

#

Hmmm

#

Did just get cheered up a bit.

#

By a little competition in a race lol.

#

If only I didn't have writer's block still and well no motivation

#

I wish things I wrote and made were any good.

#

Always wanted to sell stuff or be in contests but since nothing I make is perfect then to me it's not good enough. 🤷‍♀️

#

Ik Ik, nothing and nobody's perfect yeah but I guess I just don't see the good in myself and my projects. Just seeing it in others.

normal latch Jun 27, 2023, 9:35 AM

#

Idk if I have a heart anymore. Tried picking up all the pieces and gluing 'em back together but one after another failed relationships breaks it into smaller shards.

#

Some are missing, means the people I regret breaking up with took 'em.
And will always have a place in my heart, somehow.

normal latch Jun 27, 2023, 11:25 PM

#

Sometimes when I get hella lonely, I try to make new friends and hope they don't hurt me. Still trying to get over someone blocking me after I told 'em I'm a recovered alcoholic. Idk why someone would do that, one would think recovery's a good thing. 🤷‍♀️

normal latch Jun 28, 2023, 8:12 AM

#

I still don't have motivation to do anything. Zach's been on more sooo that makes me happy. Logan still needs a break though. sadness

#

Still wonder why I stay in this server. I guess it's for this.

#

Still thinking about deleting this but was talked outta it. Something about helping people...Ehhh Idk, the person that talked me outta it's weird but I love him. catbongo

#

I mighta lost Logan as a friend though. Kinda had a falling out.

normal latch Jun 28, 2023, 8:34 PM

#

Just noticed Christian left the server. Really almost gave in and dm'd him but now I'd have to FR....Don't think he's happy with me. Still love him. sadness

#

Besides bad communication leading up to the breakup we were perfect for eachother. Damn emotions. 1553_so_many_tears

normal latch Jun 28, 2023, 11:35 PM

#

Was doing great chatting with friends and finally getting over him till another ex dm'd...The most damaging to my health too but feel like I gotta chat with him. Mighta mentioned him here before. If I didn't that's probably for the best. sadness

normal latch Jun 29, 2023, 9:19 PM

#

Finally ran my errands and took some pics, sadly wasn't a lotta flowers but still nice to get out and about and fresh air. catbongo

#

I hate heat though, might go swimming later.

normal latch Jun 29, 2023, 11:43 PM

#

Well that ex that dm'd me asked me out. Without going into details I said yes cause well...I'll just say I don't wanna anger him more.

#

BunnyPray

normal latch Jun 30, 2023, 12:39 AM

#

Maybe I'm just good for a sticker....I guess good it cheers people up and tippy taps cheers me up a little too but Idk. I still feel useless and and worthless here.

#

I can't give advice on anything....Still don't think I fit in well here.

#

I don't fit in anywhere.

#

Do love the mission though. Lots of nice, caring helpful people here and the wholesome chats are nice. Lots of goofiness too or trolls sometimes though. Granted trolls everywhere.

#

Idk how I got the motivation to do anything. Still don't feel like writing.

#

Lately I've been wanting to vanish, I bet lots of people would love that.

normal latch Jun 30, 2023, 1:01 AM

#

TW death mention: Times like this I think of a friend that said he'd rather be dead than being like me. He knows my situation. Nearly 30 still living at home after I told him my mom's disabled and bro has social anxiety and depression and that's one reason why I stayed home, to take care of 'em. We had a messy falling out but he dm'd me months later. He also said he never supported and didn't even like me.

#

Another mistake I just noticed: being a poor judge of character. Idk

normal latch Jun 30, 2023, 2:34 AM

#

Just got brushed off again, won't say by who cause it hurts. I just hope he gets to feeling better.

#

1553_so_many_tears

#

There's divides then drifts, I'm drifting from everyone. Happens but still sucks, especially losing besties....

normal latch Jun 30, 2023, 3:19 AM

#

Yep, very bad judge of character. Just blocked someone else after they tried arguing and accused me of something. Idk if I can talk about it here.

normal latch Jun 30, 2023, 4:04 AM

#

Tried and failed to cheer someone up. Great day /sarc

#

So much for my goal.....Not like I can finish things anyway....

normal latch Jun 30, 2023, 11:24 PM

#

Guess I gotta start over with my roles. 🥲

#

In retrospect not the best idea just leaving the server to get a break.

#

My choice though. Sadness was too much and reminders of my exes.

#

Meh, I'll be fine. Apparently I can't use stickers or gotta wait though....Lack of tippy taps lol. R.i.p my boost, guess I gotta boost again.

#

I'm glad to have catbongo again. Probably my fav emoji lol.

#

Plus the exp boost typing period's gonna help. I started another journal. Still gotta work on my short stories and stuff. Thinking of exes and worrying about friends made me question my sanity and existence lately. Still wish I could hug everyone.

#

I wonder how I leveled up before....Don't think welcoming people did that.....

#

Ehhh maybe

#

I'm glad I didn't have to make a new journal. mochieyes

#

But yeah, kinda invested too much time into this server sooo I guessed leaving for a day or 2 was better than just never checking.

#

I'll get my tags eventually. catbongo

#

Things with some friends aren't going well either.

#

I'm not one to vent public much though.

normal latch Jul 1, 2023, 12:23 AM

#

Love how I can put emojis here but not on the general chats. BunnyGoodNight

#

sadness

#

I guess permissions then.

normal latch Jul 1, 2023, 12:55 AM

#

Still can't put emojis in intros. I got used to putting that welcome emoji but 516395crythumbsup

#

Gotta wait 2 days to move a boost over sooo guess then I can do tippy taps. If not still then that'd be sad. 🥲

#

I wonder if they're still playing with permissions. Meh, I'm too shy to ask.

normal latch Jul 1, 2023, 1:17 AM

#

Another reason why I left.....Reading things that belong in the mental health chats in general. 😔

#

Granted I check vent and cried....Guess I do it to myself. I don't ping mods enough. Still don't think I could be one.

normal latch Jul 1, 2023, 1:54 AM

#

Hmm

#

Reading some journals cheers me up. Seeing people doing good I guess and accomplishing things.

normal latch Jul 1, 2023, 2:28 AM

#

Decided I'm finally unfriending people, drifted apart. It's for the best anyway. BunnySad

#

A part of me already wants to dm 'em and work things out, don't think they'd dm me first anyway or care so I don't see a point in blocking.

#

I never learn though. Pretty much over that habit of reaching out to old friends. 😔

#

I just rejoined and yet wanna leave again.

#

There's a few people I miss sadness

#

And they're not online....

normal latch Jul 1, 2023, 3:38 AM

#

sadness

#

Idk which is more painful, when things are obvious or I gotta explain. Goodbyes hurt.

#

Or when I'm brushed off. I wish I was good at reading people. Woulda avoided lots of drama and heartbreaks.

#

Says a lot when someone ya love and considered a great friend doesn't check up on ya and chats with everyone else.

#

Guess I should be happy since Ik how everyone is or well was. Overcoming shyness and getting confidence's great.

#

Reminds me of the most special person though.

#

Just noticing how many coins I spent. To think, lots are to old friends and failed relationships. roosadpanda

#

Miss everyone now. I feel like a burden and can't reach out. Some called me annoying anyway. Guess I am.

#

Still haunts me, the "consider yourself" whatevs advice and yet when I do and when I'm selfish for once wanting to talk about my problems especially to people I love then they get mad, brush me off, or both.

#

I wish I could move on as quickly as my old friends do.

#

Wish I didn't get attached, wish I could "bottle emotions" and not give a damn. sadness

#

Used to talk about how great everyone is here. Damn emotions and habits. 1553_so_many_tears

#

Pushed someone very special away. Don't think they're happy or like me anymore.

#

Sometimes it's things left unsaid rather than said that are the issue. Idk why I usually need to explain everything though.

#

😔

#

Yep

#

Lots of outta touch

#

I'm not even a "people person" and yet my friends used to call me a "matchmaker." Guess times change.

#

I see loneliness and wanna be someone's companion or find 'em someone....I guess more bad habits Idk. Lost an old besty and a friend since they brushed me off for eachother. Said it wouldn't happen. They mocked me later behind my back.

#

Not surprised nobody wants to actually talk things out and tries refriending. As usual, I'd have to first but Idk if it's worth it. Tried talking with a friend but....Just didn't work out. Tempted to reach out to...Someone I maybe shouldn't.

normal latch Jul 1, 2023, 4:56 AM

#

Man

#

Last thing I should do rn's looking at our last convo.

#

😔

#

Just noticing how similiar it is to old friends....

#

I really did care to know that you were/are ok, but I got ignored.

#

Yeah I can't put the full goodbye. It was bad like bad though what I mentioned.

#

The start of it makes me miss him though. It was nice. Kinda went south rq. Idk why I'm attracted to people indifferent of me or just cold and not caring.

#

They say they love me but act weird or badly. "Actions speak louder than words" right?

#

Doesn't stop people from asking if I'm ok and how I'm doing though like I do 'em. I thought friends cared about eachother.

#

Hell, one even said he only did it cause I did first.

#

For once, I'd like someone else making the first move and admitting feels. Feels like it's just to be nice to me. I always start and end relationships.

#

I wouldn't be annoyed if someone reaches out after a falling out. I'd appreciate it since they see me as a friend and actually care. Never happens though.

#

Guess I don't matter then. All this time I was worried to high hell for people that don't care about me.

#

Miss Zach now, weird vibes between us lately but probably the bestest friend so far.

#

Oh well sadness

normal latch Jul 1, 2023, 6:05 AM

#

Can't check if I'm blocked. I hate checking but by someone hella special....Guess we'll just go our separate ways then.

normal latch Jul 1, 2023, 9:10 AM

#

Well I'm feeling better. Not tired somehow yet despite it almost being 5. catbongo

#

I decided I'm getting a wig instead of potentially ruining my hair again. mochieyes

#

So I got a pastel pink wig. Hopefully it doesn't look bad on me. Decided against purple but maybe later.

#

Still love how I can use whatevs emojis in this but not in general chat without boosting. Couldn't use stickers either.

#

Ooooo just remembered a plush wolf hat I had. I wonder where that went....Used to wear it running errands lol. And yes, people stared but whatevs.

#

Well, decided I'mma drink again soooo might not chat later or write in this. 516395crythumbsup

normal latch Jul 1, 2023, 8:05 PM

#

Talked things out with Logan and we're friends still. I hope Zach chats with me too. They're my besties.

normal latch Jul 1, 2023, 9:45 PM

#

Yeah it's all good. We all just misunderstood eachother but friends again and I'm glad. sweetie_angurahug Communication's key to make anything work and I didn't start drinking yet. I remember the urges after I pushed another friend away.

#

Dark time, don't wanna repeat it.

#

I got icecream. catbongo

#

So nice having things to do not behind a screen. Exercise's nice and some socialization sometime. I still gotta look at my pics from the rose garden. Doubt anything's good but maybe. 🥲

normal latch Jul 1, 2023, 10:47 PM

#

I'm too shy to post in all channels. Gratitude's nice though.

#

I'm also grateful for this server, friends I've made. catbongo

normal latch Jul 2, 2023, 6:20 AM

#

I made a new friend. He makes music and seems nice. catbongo

#

Yeah nvm, I suck with words again sooooo might weird him out. 😅
I didn't, he's chill.

normal latch Jul 2, 2023, 6:41 AM

#

mochieyes

#

Just checked something and uhhhhh interesting. Kinda glad I avoided someone lol.

#

Things people put against me then put themselves makes me wonder if I should be sad at all I let 'em go.

#

Ngl though, makes me concerned and very tempted to reach out asking if they're ok.

#

Some didn't like that though.

#

All my friends are great, as long as I have my besties especially then my heart's fixed. eveheart

normal latch Jul 2, 2023, 8:56 AM

#

I considered working things out with a friend after an arguement he started. I blocked but unblocked soon after. Apparently he deleted his only post here and left.

normal latch Jul 2, 2023, 10:08 AM

#

After looking at the convo again. Yeah I'm not refriending and trying to work things out.

#

More focused on my date later. catbongo

normal latch Jul 2, 2023, 4:00 PM

#

Can't decide if I should ask about someone or not, haven't seen 'em in awhile. Last time I was hella nice, well the misunderstanding. Just makes me cautious.

normal latch Jul 2, 2023, 4:52 PM

#

Got to talking about my health with a friend. Makes me sad thinking about that stuff. sadness

#

Also haven't taken my meds in a week. Sometimes I just don't feel like it. This time I forgot.

normal latch Jul 3, 2023, 12:42 AM

#

Wish I could cancel tomorrow. bearsh_milkshy

#

Feel like I'm stuck with the date. One would think that'd be great and fun but I didn't say with who....

normal latch Jul 3, 2023, 1:17 AM

#

Really miss Christian. Still sad some of my old friends left.

#

Was gonna talk about him but sometimes my sanity just kinda vanished. We tried to make things work I guess but it's hard to when I get told "moving on" and pretty much "you're going crazy." So we didn't have the best communication. For the most part it was the best outta all my relationships though. BunnySad

#

Takes 2 to make things work.

#

Guess I should be used to people especially my bfs or close guy friends brushing me off though.

#

Remembered earlier that yeah I probably belong here. Thought of my last community. Lots of trolls and I told 'em I have ptsd. They called me an idiot. sadness

#

Just remembered something good I was gonna do, if I can. It's good but Idk if I can talk about it here.

#

I used to be way more shy in school. Just remembered a good friend asked me out. I didn't answer so they didn't ask again. I was never good at picking up on social cues and hints. Some people I regret letting get away. 1553_so_many_tears

normal latch Jul 3, 2023, 2:24 AM

#

Damn my shyness. sadness

#

Chatting with Will after a week or 2 kinda cheers me up.

normal latch Jul 3, 2023, 2:56 AM

#

Think I'mma go to the zoo sometime this week. I hate heat but I haven't been in yrs. I miss taking pics too. Apparently I can "adopt" an animal but I'm a little bummed I can't "adopt" a zebra. I love zebras or well horses period.

#

Just got to thinking of when my bro and I took horseback riding lessons. Miss that 🥲

#

I had a friend and remember a hella shy guy. Dude was also at some art classes and tennis. mochieyes

#

YAY 1K

normal latch Jul 3, 2023, 3:22 AM

#

Also miss swimming and kayaking now. Think I'll go swimming sometime too.

normal latch Jul 3, 2023, 5:37 AM

#

Well I just the got an urge to leave again. mochieyes

#

Guess I'll check if any of my friends are up. Checked old chats and uhh trolls.

normal latch Jul 3, 2023, 6:34 AM

#

9540shyblushycursed I uhhh just got tempted to dm someone and explain something they brought up. And asking if they're ok. I'm shy again though and don't think they'd appreciate me bugging 'em.

#

Then again I ask myself why I still care. 1553_so_many_tears

normal latch Jul 3, 2023, 7:20 AM

#

Yeah I won't reach out to old friends or exes anymore. If they care then they can dm me first, which nobody has anyway. Not like things are just my fault but if I'mma be vilified then it's really discouraging.

#

Just hope everyone's ok.

normal latch Jul 3, 2023, 8:42 AM

#

To report something or not to. Hmm, as usual I just shutdown. 😔

#

Finally blocked people though, not like they'd ever reach out anyway.

normal latch Jul 3, 2023, 10:19 PM

#

Today was...Interesting sadturtle

#

Seeing someone here though cheers me up a little.

#

I still can't chat but good to see they're ok 1553_so_many_tears

normal latch Jul 3, 2023, 11:58 PM

#

Can't tell 'em how amazing they are and say hi, Idk if they know I exist. sad_chick

#

I pretty much gave up getting the courage to start convo since Ik I don't have chances. Even just being friends.

normal latch Jul 4, 2023, 3:24 AM

#

I got more cake and it doesn't have enough frosting lol. I am feeling much better though. catbongo

normal latch Jul 4, 2023, 5:14 PM

#

I can't stop dreaming about Christian. 1553_so_many_tears

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Guess that means I miss him. I barely do when I'm awake sooo maybe it's a sign I should try to work things out Idk.

normal latch Jul 4, 2023, 8:51 PM

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Still wish I could drink then vanish. Maybe someday.

normal latch Jul 5, 2023, 1:07 AM

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Well I was gonna run an errand but not feeling like it. Gonna wrap up in my blanket and watch movies. Might also try reaching out to someone, probably hates or forgot about me.

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Hmm, unblocked and started typing but stopped. I guess it's the awkwardness not chatting in forever. Not shy but yeah I won't bug him.

normal latch Jul 5, 2023, 2:28 AM

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Even wrapped in a blanket I can't get warm. Damn fireworks aren't helping with my anxiety too. Thought about going to a show but 1. sounds and 2. people lol. I sometimes can't with crowds.

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Everytime I see a sad puddle, I wanna spam hugs. 😔

normal latch Jul 5, 2023, 3:23 AM

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TW substance mention: Finally got some alc. Got a lot so hopefully I won't remember tonight or the last few days. Staying up means no seeing Christian in my dreams. Only time I forget people's when I drink.

normal latch Jul 5, 2023, 7:36 AM

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My game's trash, Idk why I bother working on it. BunnySad

normal latch Jul 5, 2023, 8:00 AM

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So tempting to unblock and dm 1553_so_many_tears

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Damn loneliness and emotions ugh

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mochieyes

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Really wonder what chats are sometimes lol

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Just checked who I'm blocked by 🥲

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Oh well

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I guess that does help me get over him. BunnyPray

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What a weird feeling, being blocked by the love of my life makes me happy. Again, I don't see a point blocking people soooo meh, I'mma leave 'em unblocked.

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Am shocked someone else didn't block me though mochieyes

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Ehhhh not much of shocked. I guess we didn't have a bad falling out.

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I actually, that's the best thing to break my habit of caring enough to reach out to people. Them blocking me so I can't. 🥲

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An odd sense of relief and glee

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Especially Christian bunnylove

normal latch Jul 5, 2023, 8:39 AM

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CatShy

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He remembers me hides

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Even after 2 months. I still remember the last messages I left before I deleted all my texts.

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Yeah I delete all my texts when someone falls hard and fast for me. Helps 'em to get over me hopefully as quickly. 🤷‍♀️

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So nice being friends again catbongo

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Then we stay up all night chatting again though mochieyes

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I forgot he plays Genshin. Now I really wanna try it. Still gotta play Terraria too sometime.

normal latch Jul 5, 2023, 10:34 AM

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Just realized Christian was a lot like my first bf. Probably for the best then that we broke up. Looked at chats before people blocked me and like. Idk why I get blocked sometimes. I guess fair's fair when I block first, not that I block everyone anyway and leave 'em blocked but then I check chats that the other person ruined lol. Maybe not to make things more awkward. 🤷‍♀️

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😔

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Many reasons I'm sad thinking about my first ex. Not just us but I'm still worried about his mom. Idk his tag now so I can't ask either.

normal latch Jul 5, 2023, 10:59 AM

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Almost forgot to find someone that reached out first but I couldn't friend him and chat. mochieyes

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Cause of a weird circumstance

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Dm'd him and explained the situation sooooo time will tell how our friendship turns out. catbongo

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Yeah, that guy and the friend I mentioned earlier reached out sooo I'm willing to give 'em more chances.

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If only more people did that, oh well lol.

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I'm sure everyone else's moved on and way happier without me then. bunnylove

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Might turn off dms after Ali and I work things out, we usually do.

normal latch Jul 5, 2023, 8:10 PM

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mochieyes

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Well I barely remember yesterday

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Ah, yeah Ali and I are chill now. catbongo

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Yeah I'm back to being a matchmaker or just giving relationship advice lol. At least one of my exes is happy with someone else. 🥲

normal latch Jul 5, 2023, 9:09 PM

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Huddler sometimes lol mochieyes

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Almost was tempted to reach out to others but nah.

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I'm fine with the friends I have. Took me forever to reach out to Ali and Jericho but I'm glad I did.

normal latch Jul 5, 2023, 9:38 PM

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Ooo math, thank god I barely check lol. Gotta run some errands soon. catbongo

normal latch Jul 5, 2023, 11:28 PM

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Times like this I remember how I used to have seizures so I felt horrible after someone said I "caused 'em epilepsy" or something with my old, bright profile. Man I still feel bad about that. sadness

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Hmm, tw caffeine mention: Also just remembered one time I chugged 3 Java Monsters and stayed up like 3 days straight. Later on chugged like 5 Redbulls. And when I make coffee, I have a habit of drinking 30 cups throughout the day since I make full pots and hate wasting.

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Never went to the er. Sometimes I'm sensitive to caffeine, most of the time nope. Lots of caffeine for me's a replacement for drinking. We're always getting coffee since everyone in my house drinks it anyway.

normal latch Jul 6, 2023, 4:34 AM

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Hmm, I'm not used to people caring about me so my friends telling me not to drink feels weird.

#Mila's Journal