zealous osprey
One of my favorite poems is Time
Time
Measuring infinity
Organized absurdity
Clock's ticking endlessly
Adopting velocity
Embracing technology
Mind's racing aimlessly
We're dust in the galaxy
Lost in eternity
Creators of time
Prisoners of space-time
zealous osprey
I have been overthinking death lately. And the fact myself and my name may be forgotten after I pass scares me. The space environment and people I surround myself with is important and key to a positive attitude. I find myself typing more and more about death and life and living every day. I love the live life to your fullest vibe, but it gets hard to not overthink.
I believe the stars will align and one day, at some time everything will align and make sense. For now I am practicing writing and appreciating what I have.
zealous osprey
Its been a while. Today I am feeling super exhausted. I havent been overthinking as much this week, but a newer feeling has joined me. Its a feeling that suffocates me but also frees me. Its hard to put into words. I felt as if I was being shoved into the ground and my lungs were being smashed, but my head felt free of thoughts, confusion, and fear. It was a calming yet scary hurt.
Moving on, today is the 25th. Tomorrow I have the school fun run. I also have been working my butt off to get my grades fixed so I can attend the prom this weekend. All I am hoping for is my work pays off, and my mom sees my effort. It hurts me deeply when my mom tells me to try harder, or acts as if everything I take part in is simple and easy.
Anywho, I want to start posting more poems as a part of my journal as they are calming to look back on.
I have been drinking and smoking a lot. I think I will start buying soon as long as the prices are good. I never thought the person I am now would be the person I am and have to live with. I am a mess of everything good horrible and in between. My friends that normally supply me with drinks are out of town for 2 days. It has been the longest start to a week of my life. I feel so dependent on everything that isnt really helping. I have created a secret world for myself and I cant seem to escape it. Along with feeling exhausted, I feel annoyed. Annoyed with the fact I am who I am. Annoyed with the fact I keep making things worse. And annoyed with the fact I have to live and hear myself think 24/7.
Its late and I have hours worth of work im begging myself not to push off for another day.
The feeling of typing is calming me down, but I feel like crying.
I think I will turn on music and try and focus on one assignment at a time.
zealous osprey
Yesterday was my schools fun run. We walked over and we had to run laps around a big field. There was a water station with paper cups, and long story short the event turned into a big water fight. During that I felt free and happy and like all judgement and past was gone. I am happy with how yesterday went. Also today I fixed my f, and i dont want to jinx it but now I will be allowed to go to prom in 2 days. Im so excited for prom for many reasons.
Anyway its been another two days.
Life is going by too fast...
zealous osprey
Prom was fun. I am so tired. We danced a lot and smoked a lot. It was pretty fun even though my feet burned LOL. After the dance (Ended at 10) We walked around the city and drank. We slept in the park and just hung out. Freedom is a funny thing. Once I got it, I wasnt sure if my work (to get my grades up) was worth it. We have 14 more days of school and I am so tired. The vape I took is the only thing I have at home and my friend used it sm today Im highkey scared. Our group of friends is weird in the way if you have nothing to give they dont want you around.
Right now it is almost 9 and I just want to sleep. Every part of my body hurts and I feel so heavy. I am listening to music and its making me super happy though. I feel like ive found my people and hopefully will find myself.
zealous osprey
Sometimes I feel like I depend on people and or follow people around too much. I have attachment issues and a hard time moving on. I want to be my own person and be able to ask and get my own things. I want to find my voice. I want to make a self list of things I can do to help me out. Even though I will never complete any, I need to type something out.
Off the prompt. I really miss being a kid. Being able to do everything and anything. I miss myself and how happy and perfect everything was. I miss my biggest problem being someone didn't invite me to something with enough time to rsvp. I miss my god family and the place I lived. I miss my cat and my happy family. I miss my moms smile and the fact I didnt start problems. I miss not being the problem. I miss not staying up till 4 am. I miss not drinking or smoking. I miss not following people arent until they share their drinks or let me hit their shit. I miss everything. The small things, like the creek behind my house. The snow. The smell and view and my school. I miss the play dates and sleep overs. I miss getting hyped and excited before holidays or birthdays. But the person I miss most isnt around anymore. She is part of all my childhood memories and means the world to me. No matter how hard I try and find someone to fill her shoes or be as great a friend as her, it wont happen. I miss everything. I miss being super young and gymnastics every day. I miss my hip not hurting. I miss not having to hide everything out of fear of judgement or people hating me. I miss not overthinking and stressing about the fact one day I will be dead. I miss knowing how to ask for help. Because I really need help right now.
zealous osprey
If I could change one thing in the world, it would be the fact we cant go back in time. Its so hard for me to accept the fact I will never be able to re live these moments. Life is going by too fast.
NO ONE EVER TOLD ME TO APPRECIATE MY CHILDHOOD
zealous osprey
Today I had marching band, practice, and went to the park with my boyfriend and friends. It was memorable because I felt free. We went to mc donalds and ate chicken nuggets with icecream then went around the mall getting as much free food as possible. It was fun and I am glad I decided to go out.
zealous osprey
I hate when people dont listen to me or care enough to hear me out. It hurts me so much and makes me feel useless. Its happening more and more and the only solution ive thought of and gotten is to get better friends. Better friends dont appear out of no where and they arent created. Things should be simple soon since summer is coming up so im happy.
Today is my moms birthday and I just love and care for her so much. I wish i could cuddle her and hold her in my arms forever. In the morning I will hug her tight.
I also had my yearbook interview today and I feel it went pretty well.
Along with all of that, I applied for a college camp that is week long and would allow me to experience college life and stay in dorms for a week. Only 60 kids get in though so I hope my essays were good enough.
zealous osprey
I just got back from a weekend trip with my bf. I need more people to talk to. I have friends and friends of friends who I smoke and drink with but not anything outside of that. Bored 24/7. Also some updates I havent been hearing things as much this week/weekend. W time rn. Its summer and I think im going to start trying to get productive.
I did leave my cat for the weekend and got to take her out today. Yay!
zealous osprey
relapse
i feel like everything is gone
there is nothing left inside of me
i want everything to disappear
my body aches
zealous osprey
cant even last a day!!
