EdgyMemeQueen02/Max journal

[glossy flame]

Welcome to my journal! feel free to read whatever you want, I kinda like having my thoughts out in the open. I think I'm going to do a prompt a day and check in

about me:
my name is Megan but I am non-binary and I prefer to go by Max but since I'm closeted you can use my name Megan it's not a dead name at the moment I haven't come out to anyone irl.

my birthday is June 21st 2002 as I'm writing this I am 20. I still live with my parents and I am working on moving out but I currently don't have a job and the cost of living is insane.

I have diagnosed depression and anxiety but I have undiagnosed ||ARFID and anorexia|| because I tend to lie about my eating behaviors. and I was diagnosed with autism by a therapist but not by a doctor. I do believe I may have BPD

I have struggled with ||self harm|| since I was 8. as I am writing this I'm 392 days clean which is by far the longest I've ever gone I've never made it a year before. even when I have thoughts lately my brain hasn't allowed me to get into it even if I want to so I don't see myself relapsing.

I won't go into my childhood but it was not easy and I had a lot of terrible things happen.

3/28/23Imagine you were able to snap your fingers and change one thing about the world, what would you change?

probably the cost of living

3/28/23

I was working as a daycare teacher and I thought I'd finally found my reason to live. it is the only job I've ever cared about and I truly felt like teaching is what I'm meant to do.

a month or two ago work how to management changed and it started going downhill and it felt like they were targeting me and they were making up lies about me and I was getting in trouble for things I never did. they made me a floater for about 2 months and every day I asked and they promised that I was still a teacher and then one day they told me you're not a teacher anymore and that is when I quit. it has been 3 weeks and the only other day care nearby is not returning my calls.

I do not have my driver's license because I have extreme anxiety about driving. I need to work on it because so far this new daycare doesn't seem like it's going to work out.

today has just been depressing honestly I've just been laying around doing nothing for these last 3 weeks. my eating has been pretty bad. im just trying to get by

[glossy flame]

3/29/21
Is there one cover song you've heard that you wish people knew more?

blank space- I prevail

I'm going to share some of my writings that I've done previously

part 1

(written 8/22/18)
Dear ||self harm||
You and I have a love/hate relationship
I still don't know whether I hate you or not
But I do hate the hideous ||scars||you have left
You helped me feel when I was numb to the core
And you helped me create a distraction when I was feeling everything at once
I don't even know if I should use past tense when I talk about you
You are 91 days in my past
Yet I see you in my future more than anything else
At the the end of the day you were always there when I needed you
I had people who could've been there too
But we both know that I'm too scared to bother them
You know what?
I do hate you
Summer
Dresses for school dances
Relationships
Swimming
All of these things I had to give up because of you
I didn't get to go on a date with the girl of my dreams
Because I couldn't find an outfit you wouldn't show through
I hate you because on my rare good days
I look at my body and my ||scars|| and get mad at myself
I hate you because on my frequent bad days
I look at my body and my ||scars|| and feel nostalgic at the relief you used to provide
You are such a big part of my life that I don't feel like myself if I don't have obvious ||scars||
I hate you because every time someone would and will ask
"Why would you do this to yourself?"
I'll never be able to give a valid explanation

part 2
This isn't because I don't know why you're here
But because I can't sum up my entire life
You are my entire life
I know I can't blame you for things that happened before I met you
I can't even really blame you for most of the things that happened after
I hate you because as toxic as you are
You still bring me relief
But I know that in reality
The only light you ever brought into my life was that of a ||blade||at 3AM

I hate you because you represent all my weakness at once
I know that no one can ever love us both
We cannot be a package
I'm tired of being represented as a twin pack
I want to be my own person
I hate you because I know that no matter how many times I say that I'm done with you
I will always want to go back to you.

1/2/23

i keep hearing over and over that this will get better it I just give it time. that if I just give myself enough patience and grace I will somehow be cured. i don't get why no one understands I can't be fixed. if you crush a vase into a fine powder it has no hope of being fixed. you can buy or make a new one but it will never be the same. I will never be the same. I feel like I'll never be the person I once was, but who am I even talking about? i can't remember anything but this misery. there is nothing for me here. that's not to say I want to ||die|| but why am I here? I'm not capable of being a better person. i know it so deep within my bones that writing it out like this is making me nauseous. the realization that I am a hopeless individual. there's really nothing like it. you cannot build up what was never there. You cannot help someone who doesn't believe that they can he helped. i just want to rest. ||dying isn't even enough for me. i need to slowly kill myself. drink myself to death. starve myself. slowly rot away. i deserve nothing less. i know I would never do that long enough to kill myself. i might do it but not to do the point of death||. i don't have the will to self destruct entirely. but I don't have the will to save myself either. eternal limbo. perhaps that is what is. I deserve. to be surrounded by hate for 90+ years until I vanish into absolute nothingness. to fight forever with no goals ever met. always just shy of hope. never feeling relief. never knowing when I've truly had enough all while screaming to the world that I'm done. never consistent. all I want is something final. good. bad. anything. something. nothing. I'm happy with any conclusion I get.

3/6/22

It seems like I feel like I'm going to ||hurt myself|| every night lately. Sometimes it's just a thought but there's been several nights where I've been fully prepared to go forward with it. I don't know why all of this is coming back so strongly. I just need everything to stop or slow down at the least. I know I've said that so damn much but I don't know how else to describe this feeling. I'm just completely overwhelmed all of the time. And there's nothing I can to do to fix it. I still haven't figured out how to cope with basic everyday problems, yet more and more serious issues keep getting piled on to my back. I find myself wanting to ||die|| a lot more often. It's the only way I know things will stop. Even if my life was perfect from today on, I still have nearly 20 years of things to process. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't rest. I'm falling behind in school. I don't understand why things are getting worse. I was doing better. I was improving. Maybe I'm just not meant to be better. I had that little taste of improvement and the universe just couldn't let me keep it. It's falling back to where it always does. And I just want to give up and let myself fall. When I get bad, at some point I stop caring. It would be easier that way. But my brain is still trying to improve. It started to fight, and now it won't stop trying to fight. Before it was fighting and moving forward. Now I don't know what I'm fighting or what the fighting is for. There's still that internal struggle, but I don't know what direction it's pushing towards. My brain won't let itself fall back completely, but it isn't exactly trying to improve either. It just stays in this state of tension. I don't know. I guess I thought writing a rant would help but I feel no different. I still feel just as much weight on my chest. And now I'm mad that I can't get that weight to go away. This is fucking useless. Everything is.

1/28/22

I understand I have made progress. I can see it. I can see what's changed. But somehow I don't feel it. I can acknowledge the progress through comparing how I handle situations now vs how I would've in the past. But I don't feel different. It still feels like I'm at square 1. It's been so long living like this. Even this "progress" hasn't gotten me to a point where I can live on doing the bare minimum. Every day still takes some effort. Living takes effort. Even without necessarily being ||suicidal, it still takes effort to just stay alive.|| Simple things like taking care of myself, eating, bathing, etc don't come to me naturally. It is a continuous fight. Sometimes I feel like I don't have any fight left. Even with all the progress I KNOW I've made, i can't feel it. So why am I fighting to do the right things for myself when it doesn't change how I feel? Why am I fighting ||self harm|| so much when I can't even really say stopping has improved my life. Why am I forcing myself to eat when I end up being sick or going back to my old ways anyway? Why am I doing any of this? It's not for me. I don't care what happens to me. But I don't want to say I'm trying for the sake of others. It puts a lot of pressure on the people I love. And it also means everything I've done can snap like a twig if I lose those people. I can't see the benefits of anything I've done. So what am I doing? Why am I trying?

10/27/21

I don't necessarily feel bad, but I don't feel good, or even okay either. It's like I don't have an in between. I'm completely numb and/or dissociating or I'm just feeling everything all at once. I'm in this weird middle ground rn. I want to self destruct and|| self harm||, but I don't even really have the urge to. It's like my brain gets bored of the apathy. It would rather be panicking than feeling nothing. How fucked up is that?

I wish i could get these words out with my own voice and not some note. I know it would feel so good to say this stuff to someone out loud, but I freeze up. I don't even know why I do anymore. I've never been able to share this kind of thing out loud. When someone else is involved I just shut down emotionally externally. I just feel everything but you wouldn't be able to tell if you were looking at me. It's like there's a switch that goes off when I'm talking to someone and my brain suddenly can't comprehend how to communicate any emotion. Even still, I text Chris about things. I downplay, but I still make our conversations this massive pity party.

I miss Dorian. I know I can't and shouldn't blame myself. I know that there's a lot of factors that go into ||suicide.|| Even if he hated me at that time, that alone wouldn't have pushed him to that point. But everytime I think back I see a million things I could've done differently. I know hindsight is 20/20 but I should know the signs a lot more than most. If I had known things could've been so much different. We could've had 3 more years of climbing the band room cabinets. I would have finally let him teach me how to play Pokemon. He would probably still be with his boyfriend. Elizabeth wouldn't have gone through the hell that she did. I know I can't think like this, but how can I not? He was a kid. He was barely 13. He had so much of life left. He missed so many experiences.

10/30/21

I really don't know what's my body/fibro and what's just me being lazy/procrastinating. I want to do so many things. I used to make so many plans for my future because that was the only hope I had. I said I'd get out of my environment and do all these things with my life. I'd make it something worth living. Something I wanted. Something I could control. I haven't done any of that. I've basically just scaled back the shityness of the environment but then i still miss when things were bad. That feels more normal than this is. And at least i was doing something with myself and my time then. I don't care if i was miserable or running on borrowed time. I was doing something other than spending my entire day on the couch/in bed. I keep complaining and saying i can't take being this tired anymore. But what does that even mean? I can say I can't take it all i want, it's not like i can do anything to change it right now. It's not going anywhere. Even if i could immediately start resting rn it'd take a while for me to get to a normal level of energy. There's nothing I can do about it right now but I still feel at my fucking limit. Again, i say that. But it means nothing. I'm at my fucking limit and instead of actually doing anything about it i just lay in bed breaking down. It's the most pathetic shit I've ever seen. The most I'll even do is take a nap and cry some more. What I always do. Same old shit. I'm so fucking sick of this

10/30/21 part 1

This feeling is overwhelming. It won't go away. dread through my entire body. My brain won't slow down and I just need everything to quiet down. I just need a minute to gather myself but all I can do is sit here and think and try to stop shaking. I can't stop shaking. I don't even know how to use words to describe this, I don't know if there are words to describe this. I can't do anything about it. I just keep remembering in a way that's foggy but intense at the same time. I know what I'm remembering but the picture isn't clear, but my body still panics. sometimes it's just a feeling. my mind can't conjure the pictures it wants to, and I get upset by it. but if I remember clearly the anxiety is so much worse than before. but then I get something out of my system. im stuck in a state of limbo most of the time. I'm just borderline panic attack and shaking and borderline hyperventilating. I have to keep busy, I keep telling myself if I'm busy ill be fine but I know it's there in the back of my head and I know I can't do anything to make it go away or stop. I just want it to fucking stop. I can't do anything to help it though. it's not like I can slow it down now. even if I called my therapist all I would have to do is process. best case scenario this will go away in a few weeks but I can't process 5 years in that amount of time. I know it will get worse before it gets better but I don't know if it can get worse.

part 2
I don't want to ||harm myself or die|| but it feels like that's the only way to get my mind to slow down. and even then it's back a few minutes later. it never stops I just want it to stop what am I even saying I'm typing and I don't even know what I'm typing. my hands are just flying on the keyboard and can't even spell. it's just our panic typing, I don't even know what's going on in my head. I can't remember what I typed 2 minutes ago I don't know what I'm doing why can't I make it stop I just want it to stop but nothing ever fucking slows down it just goes on and on on on on and it just always gets worse and if something changes for the better a new problem arises I'm|| gonna die alone and I don't even want to die||, I just want it to stop why won't it stop please stop just s-dgfo]jvfdoi[vfdiuczdbi

4/12/21

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and I just keep inching closer and closer to the edge. I can see exactly where it leads and where it ends, but I don't care. I just keep pushing and pushing. Sometimes instinctual fear hits, but it never lasts very long. I'm usually more entranced by the end than I am scared. It feels like it would be a relief. If I turned back now, I'd have to climb a million and one mountains and I'd probably just end up with a cliff at the other side anyways. Climbing the mountains feels a hell of a lot scarier than walking off the cliff. When the edge isn't calming or entrancing, it's thrilling. I can feel the adrenaline. I know, something bad is going to happen, but my destruction feels like too much fun. My goal has always been to ||die.|| I'm just getting closer to that goal. It's like getting a new job you're excited about. No matter how hard I try to step back and look the other way, there's a force far stronger than I pulling me back. I'll take 2 steps forward and 1.99 back. No matter what issues I tackle, I still feel weak. I'm still exhausted. My hair still falls out. My body still feels like it's falling apart. It never fucking stops. I just want it to stop. I'd do anything to make this stop. But it never has and it never will. This is my fate and I've resigned myself to it. I've made it my fate. I don't deserve nor want any other outcome.

1/7/21

Continually try to convince yourself that they're not really gone
Time has shown that fooling yourself into believing lies
Is the most effective way to deal with things you know you have no control over

Keep rereading the ||suicide|| notes they left you
Overanalyse every single word you read
"Was there a way I could have seen this coming?"
You were the one that caused this.
You know that
.
Stay up every single night listening to music that upsets you
Either attempt to gather up the courage to finally put an end to everything
Or just try to hope that for just one second
You could feel anything but the misery in the pit of your stomach

Go and walk to the lake twice a week by yourself
Listen to songs that trigger you,
Maybe you'll throw yourself in ,
Assuming you can even walk that far
Leave little hints behind for your loved ones
You don't want this to surprise them
You don't want to be another shock
You don't want them to wonder if they could have helped
You need everyone to see just how hopeless you really are
You need everyone to see this coming

Always talk down to yourself whenever possible
My life is shit because i deserve it, right?
You must have done something really bad

part 2

You are a bad person
Why else would things be this way?

Avoid your friends for months at a time
Even though they're the only thing that provide a slight sense of genuine relief
They're the only reason you're still here
But you know better than that
If they really wanted to talk to you they'd reach out
But they won't
You know they won't

Allow yourself to lose interest in the things you say you love
If you're still interested,
Force yourself to stay away from them
You don't deserve to enjoy them

Watch as you begin to lose touch with the world around you,
Don't fight it
Don't try to ground yourself
It is much scarier being present
Become a secondary character in your own story
Be forgettable
Be no one

Most importantly
Belittle every single one of
your feelings and achievements
Assuming you even talk about them
Who would even want to listen?

Learn to love the taste of cold water dripping down your throat
Find comfort in the ice cold sensation coming from your empty stomach
That is what love feels like
Pain

You don't need other people to drive away your loneliness
You just need to find a way to talk to it
To embody the loneliness as a whole
To become what you have despised

ok this last one is by far the most vulnerable thing I've ever written

4/27/22 part 1

Don't even fucking pretend like you'll miss me. You'll show up at my funeral and convince yourself you're grief-stricken. Everyone will be there for you; the very person who contributed to this. There will be no me to pour your pity onto. You will get what you finally want. You will be the victim. You will be the one everyone flocks to. You will make your identity as someone who has suffered a great loss. Not only is there nothing left to lose, you never cared enough to feel any sense of loss. Maybe you'll look back on your actions and feel guilt. I don't care. I do not forgive you. I never will. There was every reason to feel guilty before my demise. You had every single sign in the universe telling you that you were in the wrong, but you didn't listen. You never listened to anything or anyone unless it benefitted you in the end. Even your pathetic little attempts at undoing things were for your benefit. You did them so that when I'd go running and begging for help, you could act baffled and give a list of ways you tried to make things right, but I just wouldn't move on. Forgive me, dear, for not wanting to trust again. One day, I will be gone. You will no longer have me to distract you or someone to lay low and let you do whatever you wanted. You might even look back and see exactly where you went wrong. But you can't change the past. You can't ask me to move on when you have ruined any sense of worth I could've possibly had. You cannot undo the 20 years of fucking hell you have put me through. None of you can. Neither of us can go back. I will not move on. I'm not holding a grudge, I'm protecting myself from people like you.

part 2
I will not be around to carry the weight of what you have done. It was never mine to carry in the first place. I wanted to be the bigger person. I wanted to take care of you despite what you did. I wanted to protect others from you. All I did was enable you. But when I am dead and gone I hope that weight comes crashing down onto your shoulders as if a semi-truck has fallen from the sky. You can never lose that weight. You won't be able to pass it on to me again. It will be there for the rest of your miserable existence. I will finally be at rest.

[glossy flame]

💌 What is something that recently moved you/touched your heart?

i hit one year clean of ||self harm|| and my best friend bought me some gifts

[glossy flame]

💌 What is one person you really admire?

Noah Kahan

[glossy flame]

💌 How would you compliment yourself?

I'd never compliment myself but if I had to I'd guess I'd say I'm caring

[glossy flame]

💌 What was one memorable thing that happened this week?

nothing good memorable, someone I've known my whole life died

[glossy flame]

What is something you miss from your childhood?

my grandma