prime edge
Welcome to the messy disconnected mind of..- Uhh- The human that is me. My thoughts are very disconnected and odd. I am a freak and a weirdo, if you do not like it then you may politely back off.
To understand some things in this journal:
Alright neat I have an online journal now
I have an appointment with my therapist in less than an hour. I don't want to go although at the same time I do. My social anxiety makes it hard though. I have things to say to her but I'm gonna get nervous and anxious and mess it all up again like I always do. I hate communicating with human beings-
Although there are fun fidget toys and a sand box. It's fun to act like a little kid again- I play with the sand box a lot and tell stories in it
I still haven't found something to calm me down and help me think straight though unfortunately, but maybe I will in the future
Too bad yungblud can't be my therapist-
I wish I could have online therapy so that I'm not so anxious and messy
prime edge
I'm scared
I'm loosing my memories of him
They're getting blurry
I'm disconnecting
Why can't I remember him right
It's getting distorted and blurry
He loves me right?
He won't abandon me
Right??
I've begged so many times
he can't leave
please no
please don't leave me
please love me
who was he
I'm forgetting
But ik I love him
Ik I love him a lot
because only love can hurt this bad
who was he..
Why am I like this
why can't I be normal?
I'm making it all so complicated
prime edge
I wish I had irl friends
I wish I had someone to hug me
But I'll always have my fake reality by my side
prime edge
These are all my favorite stickers because why not!
They're so cute!!
Stickers are so underrated.
MORE FAVORITES
I didn't notice this one at first it's definitely in the top three
OKAY MY OFFICIAL FAVORITES HEFE:
No one's actually reading this right-
I'm too annoying-
OR AM I-
I could secretly be the best person in disguise
dramatic hair flip
oh shit my wig /JKJK
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Remember the therapist appointment I was talking about earlier?? It actually went pretty well. I was really shaky and stammered in all of my sentences but she just gently laughed about it. It made me smile. We talked about my diagnosis and dissociative disorder, and she just said I'll have to wait until I'm over 21 to actually get an actual official diagnose with it.
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I'm scared of changing.. what if he won't love me anymore?.. I knew there was a risk with having a lover while still growing up, but I didn't think he'd love me less. I keep feeling like he loves me less because I can't connect my thoughts together about him. I know who he is.. but it's incomplete..like a broken puzzle.. I can't find the pieces to complete it.. It scares me.. My head hurts thinking about it. I wish he'd text me more often to help me remember who he is. It's getting harder and harder to remember him clearly 
prime edge
I can't breathe
I want to tell somebody yet don't at the same time
It's hard to breathe
To take the full breath
Alright it's a little easier now
It feels like someone's squeezing my lungs
So they won't expand
Now I feel dizzy
prime edge
Help I think
my lover
doesn't exist anymore
he did exist and I remember him in blurry images
but he stopped
existing
I keep crying about it
I want him to exist again
why did the world
swallow him up?
Now he's gone
I want him back
how do you bring someone back from nonexistence??
prime edge
I don't think I can be helped..
No one's answering me
No one's trying to help
I'm scared
Did he ever exist in the first place..?
Ik I have imaginary friends but there's no way I made him up
right?
Was it all fake..
I'm so confused on what's real and what's fake right now
These concepts are running through my mind and they feel real
I tell myself they're real
but I also know that it's not what everybody else thinks it's real
I feel like it's not real, but it actually is
and it's just hidden behind reality's disguise
It is real
I just don't have any proof or evidence supporting it
so my brain can't fully believe it's truth
like God
you know he's real
yet everything clearly shows he isn't
so you're logical side of the brain says he's not real
but you just know he is real
so you keep telling yourself he is
I want him back
I can't be abandoned
please
not again
I can't
please don't leave me
I can't handle it
they're all leaving aren't they..
everyone's leaving
I'm lost and alone inside
everybody is leaving
I can feel it
I'm crying now
great
...
I will just never be good enough
Crying helped
Thank goodness I cried
I think it cleared my head
he exists
he exists
in my heart
and irl
he just can't ever reply to anything
he's real
he's not fake
it's okay
hug the pillow
he's here
everything's okay..
.
I miss him so bad
it's ripping apart my mind
what if I don't make it..?
What if he really does leave me..
What if my personality switches again
and he doesn't love me anymore?..
What if it already happened..
......
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erm.. thanks for the hug reaction thingy earlier
it made me smile-
I'm gonna cuddle the pillow now to calm down my mind
And I should probably not stay up until 6am again
prime edge
Great news!
I feel much better now
I recollected my memories of him through touch (aka pillow cuddles)
touch seems to be my way of recollection
and snapping out of trances and delusions
I texted Oliver to let him know I miss him
oh uh
that's my lover's name btw-
I love him so much
olive
I love
olive him so much
yes
olive him 
I'M BLEACHING MY HAIR
AT THIS MOMENT RN
prime edge
My hair went from dirty blonde to bright blonde-orange
This is gonna take a lot if getting used to
prime edge
Oliver hasn't been online on both Discord and Roblox
I'm starting to get worried-
having my mind makes everything so much more difficult
I feel so clingy
.
My head hurts really bad. And my stomach. My stomach feels queasy and weird, and my head feels like a nail being hammered into wood. 
prime edge
Hello journal!!
Today was great!
Sorry I had to feed my cat real quick
ahem-
My head has been really painful today but that's all
everything else was gre-
Oh wait school-
I've been procrastinating
And not being responsible..
I'm homeschooled so I have full control over my schooling
I've skipped five or more days..
And now I have a ton of missing assignments adding onto my new ones!!
AaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I HAVE LIKE 30+
And knowing me, I'm just gonna end up procrastinating it all again!
AAAAAA
all things good all things good
hm
hmm
Oh I have good news!
Oliver texted me today!!
My concept of time keeps going wacko
but I did some math to try to sort it out
I think it's actually only been 3 days since yesterday
Maybe
ye-
No-
ye-?
wait-
no-
Hold on-
okay it's been 3 days from today
My stupid mind
stupid stupid stupid
Okay so my mind decided to make my vision of time go wacko
I gotta apologize to him-
For getting so stressed about it-
hmm.m
hmmmmmm
I'll write a little letter-
yes perfect
since this is my journal I guess I can just write it here..-
Hopefully I won't get picked on 
Dear Olive of mine,
I wanted to apologize to you for getting so worked up and stressed out during these past days. I don't really know what's gotten into me but I promise I'll be okay- If you were worried- Ahem so I love you very much and want to let you know that none of my mental breakdowns were your fault. My mind lies and plays tricks on me. I'm learning how to work with it though~ So that I can remember reality over lies! I love you verryyy much and I will cuddle you every night. Have a goodnight darling- I'll sleep too♡
~Love, Kitt~
Tadaaa
Now to send it to him-
when will he see it though
Ooooh ooh oooh oooh
I have a cool idea
For any felllaaass readin this shit
React with your favorite emoji on the message below!
↓
↑
lol I don't actually expect anyone to be reading this
Besides I put embarrassing things in here
prime edge
Today's prompt: What would you tell someone going through a hard time?
hmm..
well, the system likes to pull on our strings and controls us
controls our thoughts and actions
it's what makes us feel like we need to fit in
to be "normal"
to be good enough.
The system is evil.
Don't go with it, don't give it what it wants.
Fight for freedom and for who you are.
If we are ALWAYS ourselves THEN the people who are MEANT to be in our lives will find us.
Stop trying to impress and satisfy the cruel system
You are the most important one in your life.
It's your life.
Don't listen to people trying to bring you down.
You have control. Just stop listening. Breathe. Relax. Focus on your well-being.
You are okay.
If they're not okay, then they're not.
If you're not, then tell someone trustworthy
It'll all be okay in the end
And you won't be alone
never give up
keep getting back up when you're knocked down
you can always get back up.
No matter how hard it is.
🖤 Have a nice day ❤
P.S. Don't let your insecurities define who you are!
𝙙𝙖𝙞𝙡𝙮𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙙𝙖𝙞𝙡𝙮𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙧𝙮𝙟𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙣𝙖𝙡𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙮
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Today was a good-ish day! I woke up pretty late and that really messed things up. But my dream was just soo good that I kept falling back asleep..! I ate some breakfast/lunch (breakfast at lunchtime), then never got off my phone. I'm addicted but IT'S FOR A GOOD REASON- I don't have irl friends so I put myself online all the time to cover up the loneliness. Sooo anyways school is not good at all. I have 32+ missing assignments and all I did today was procrastinate!! It's all due tomorrow and it's really stressing me out.. Other than that though, Oliver texted me!! We had some fun conversations ♡♡ And then I played with my little brother and ate bread for dinner. Anyways, I'm going to bed now goodnight! ♡
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prime edge
Just made my parents hot chocolate with whipped cream, sprinkles, mini marshmallows, mini chocolate chips and peppermint candy cane chunks. I think they really liked it!
Gotta show them that I appreciate their work. And my dad's sick- And my mother isn't feeling well-
prime edge
🖤
Hey guys I really don't like my church but I'm not doing anything social nowadays because of my anxiety. My mom is telling me I need to overcome my anxiety, which means being social. I'm homeschooled and rarely get out of the house, and I would attend church every Sunday. I don't believe in my church's beliefs, but it's a house rule to be a member. I really hate the community though. It feels really.. controlling- And passive aggressive. Really passive aggressive. I wish I could be apart of a different church that's just similar but I can't. Anyways, I'm struggling to attend every Sunday. It brings me a lootttt of anxiety since everyone is overly friendly, touchy, and social with a side of passive aggressive. It just feels wrong to me, like I'm in danger.
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I posted this in the social anxiety chat and haven't gotten any response yet lol
prime edge
What's one thing in normal life you think is wildly overrated?
Weird terms and sayings like "ong" "yas" "queen" "fr" and other weird stuff like that-
prime edge
I heard somewhere that when something is bothering you, writing it out helps release the pressure
So I'm gonna write out my feelings on something
-I really feel like I'm worth less than everyone else sometimes. Other people get more attention, or are believed more often. I get ignored, yelled at, and nobody ever understands me. I'm loosing people I love, and I'm getting yelled at frequently. If I ever do something wrong, I'll be punished. Nobody else gets a punishment though. It feels like it's all directed towards me. I don't know why nobody loves me the same anymore but that's just life. I just gotta walk with the pain until it heals.
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💌 How can I better take better care of myself?
I used to know this better.. I guess I'm just forgetting it all now?
I don't know anymore
prime edge
💌 If your feelings could be an animal, what animal would it be and why?
A cat
I'm pretty sure
Yeah cat suits me well
prime edge
Kaiven, my best friend, is saying my relationship may be one-way
I don't believe it
it's a lie
it has to be
they said that he may end up leaving me heartbroken
I mean yeah sure he only talks to me like twice a week
but he still loves me
he always will love me
everything is fine
everything is perfectly fine
it's okay
he loves me
he does
ik he does
he'll never leave
he can't
he will be with me
and we will start a family together
and I'll be in his arms forever
he'll never leave
he loves me-
Yeah
he loves me
.
Yeah-
I shouldn't stress about it
My gut feels twisted up
I can't stop worrying
..
prime edge
Now I'm crying
I told Oliver part of how I felt
but it doesn't matter
love for me never lasts
his absence hurts so fucking bad..
I thought he was the one I can truly rely on..
Why does he shut me out...?
I really want to just die for a little while
and then come back
just to see if anyone would care
or maybe even like it
I'm trying to keep the intrusive thoughts away
but they feel so tempting
prime edge
I'm feeling better!
Played Roblox lol
I did something that's gonna really fuck up my life later
My ex / friend said I had to either leave Oliver or they'll tell my mom everything
All of my secrets
Everything
And I'm doomed
But it's worth it
I won't leave him
I never will
sweet leafBOT
prime edge
Ooooh
new role
💌 What steps can I take to grow into the person I want to be?
Well first, birth. Then toddlerhood and the basics. Then therefore more. But I've already done all that. Right now I am still on the puberty step. I am growing. Not quite into the person I want to be, but the person I will and need to be. And the person others will need me to be!
.
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Sticker of the day: 
oooh I should make a template/format for check-ins
prime edge
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･༓☾ ♤ꉔꁝꏂꉔꀘ ꒐ꋊ♤ ☽༓･
🌔 Mood:
🌕 Motivation:
🌖 Current Interest(s):
🌗 Looking Forward To:
🌘 Anxiety Level:
🌑 Anxious About:
🌒 Need For Rant/Vent?
🌓 Regressed?
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prime edge
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･༓☾ ♤ꉔꁝꏂꉔꀘ ꒐ꋊ♤ ☽༓･
🌔 Mood: Sleepy, chill, laidback
🌕 Motivation: 5/10
🌖 Current Interest(s): Cuddling, napping
🌗 Looking Forward To: TV
🌘 Anxiety Level: 2/10
🌑 Anxious About: Taking a shower
🌒 Need For Rant/Vent? Nah
🌓 Regressed? Nope
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prime edge
prime edge
prime edge
I feel like crying
I'm gonna cry any moment now 
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･༓☾ ♤ꉔꁝꏂꉔꀘ ꒐ꋊ♤ ☽༓･
🌔 Mood: Sad - Lovesick - Lonely
🌕 Motivation: Haha funny joke
🌖 Current Interest(s): Pillow - Song - Bed - Cuddles
🌗 Looking Forward To: When he comes back-
🌘 Anxiety Level: 7/10
🌑 Anxious About: If he can handle this
🌒 Need For Rant/Vent? Yep
🌓 Regressed? Nope
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prime edge
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･༓☾ ♤ꉔꁝꏂꉔꀘ ꒐ꋊ♤ ☽༓･
🌔 Mood: Lost
🌕 Motivation: Lost
🌖 Current Interest(s): Ceiling Staring
🌗 Looking Forward To: Whatever's Next
🌘 Anxiety Level: ?/10
🌑 Anxious About: Can't Think
🌒 Need For Rant/Vent? ... Can't Think
🌓 Regressed? No
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