Scribbly’s Book of Wonders

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I’m starting this journal to pretty much make it a thought corner of whatever.

For starters, I think I found the love of my life. The commonalities are insane and I have never been happier. I started taking better care of myself and I couldn’t thank her enough for healing me in just a short amount of time.

I have discovered that I love sharks and wolves at the same time. I don’t know what made me love sharks but I think I know why.

But, seriously can I just say… thank you to my special person for breathing the life into me that I’ve needed for the past what? Four years?!?! I’ve been searching for you for the longest time and it’s lovely and I mean absolutely lovely that I know you. Only one thing, I just wish I could see you soon.

Anyways.
Enough Rambling Even Though It’s Honesty

Scribbly’s Book of Wonders

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Dear me,

I'm glad you are finally becoming happier.
It's difficult to watch you be miserable and at times it breaks my own heart to see you sad.
Not only does it break me, but it breaks her.
I hope to see you happy again...
And maybe just maybe...

Be where you wish to be...

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Past me could have used this sooner….

My parents started caring more and is now trying to get me into therapy.
Symptoms of my issues:
-Strong Paranoia
-The constant fear that everyone is watching me
-Struggling to be in public
-Random panic attacks
-Frequent breakdowns
-Sometimes oddly angry

I-
Maybe I’m just losing it… I’m hoping the meds I got help SOME of these…

My boss said to keep a journal of how I feel on the medication so I might make this for that and include other things-

Sounds good.

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It seems like I’m leaving the words and statements in the back of my mind… The:
• I’m not good enough
• I’m an abomination
• I’m just a freak
• I’m a failure
• I’m a disappointment

And so on….

Why can’t I just escape the people that tell me these things…

Thanks to them it creates issues in the one think I forever want…. HER.

She really is everything to me, I am happy with her. She’s beyond perfect and I wish she knew how much of a difference she made on my life. Ever since she came around nothing but good things have came out of my life and I-

I appreciate her. I love her. I adore her. I need her. I want her. I yearn for her.

If strength isn’t what I had, with her I have it now.

If you read this my dear, I’m madly in love with you and I’m all yours forever and ever and to infinity and beyond

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Heart - That organ that holds more then just a beat. Your love for people, stress, your true happiness, your compassion, your ability to live. It is the organ that gives you the ability to be more than just a human, but that shot to be anything you ever want. It holds the entire key of your life. This could mean your gender, your dream career, your family, your soulmate-

I mean honestly you have these things sitting in the palm of your hand, all that is expected is to act on them until-

Break- That time when you lose the motivation of everything. Either because you’ve lost so much, you’ve grown too exhausted and you just wanna sleep, sleep, and sleep more. That feeling when your parents say you can’t be a boy… you’re to be a girl… it’s on your birth certificate… deal with it. That moment when you realize that everything you ever wanted meant nothing to nobody except you and your future husband/wife or forever partner.

I, Lion “Leo” Vigil, have experienced heartbreak in a thousand ways from love from my family, from love around partners, to the exhaustion of my dreams, and the 15 years I have now officially pulled. It has been almost 2 years since I graduated high school.

I am learning that I proud of who I have become. I am learning that I am proud of what I have. I am learning that my body really is gorgeous inside and out because I have the best person ever to admire me and love me for what I am. They say I inspire them but really they inspire me. To forever be who I was meant to be, to forever cherish what I was given, and to forever love everything around me.

This person has also taught me that knowledge comes more from the brain. It comes from the heart too.

If you are reading this my love, you have given me something more than I could ever thought I could finally see myself having, self-worth, love and just… finally… SUPPORT. Something I have been needing for a long time.

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Holy shit I actually wrote a recent poem with nice FLOW

Apart of Me

There is a part of me that I have found

At which they don’t carry me around

Instead I am bound

To an empty feeling that has a hollow sound

With an aching feeling in my chest

I wish that I could put it to rest

With what I know best

That feeling will never rest

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My heart sank…. I can speak and everything is just unclear… I miss them and I don’t think they understand that… I am I doing it right?

I don’t know but something tells me, my silence….-

It’s deafening

And soon… may the world know the truth

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There’s a huge list of us-

I miss some of us

People like Paris

Current front is AJ

Our host is Noah

She’s a little unstable but it happens

Theirs her brother Elliot

Hayden

Sorry I can’t type

The body is currently trembling and I’m confused

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I-I’m Finn…. I’m currently scared of everything I know and love…. I had something terrible happen to me, and now I’m close to being killed or losing everyone I know and loved… I hope Claudia or Mason comes around soon… I’m scared

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I’m starting to sleep again…. I promised I’d get my homework done and I’m sleeping… I promised I’d study and I’m sleeping!!! Not again, I can’t do this again😭😭😭

Finn: I-I-I’m gonna be okay… Leo… Sapphire… Please-

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And I’m comfort eating…

Yayyyyy

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I’m dissociating really badly…

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I will admit

I’m not sad

I’m not depressed

I’m okay

I’m okay with how my life is going

If I had a headline to my life story it would have to be:

Fear is the mastermind to an unwritten story.

Mine is not

I allowed it for a long time

And here I am releasing it

I am smart

I am kind

I am loved

I am beautiful

INSIDE AND OUT

I will get my college degree

I will have my partner by my side

And on my bad days, let me make the best out of them

I am proud of myself

Who I am

What I am

How I will forever be

I still have a story that is unwritten and I will never lose hope

And fear-

You are my greatest enemy

To be honest

This time

I could cry tears of joy-

I have a beautiful partner

An amazing life ahead of me

A bright future

Everything I could have ever asked for

And I must admit

I am thankful

As someone who suffers from the thoughts of “do I really deserve to be loved???”

I do-

I think I should cry for release and cleanse

Word of advice as someone who suffers from mental health:

When you have people, friends, a family, a partner anyone to support you as a whole. Never be afraid to lean on them. I had a choir teacher who always made us sing the song “lean on me”. That song had stuck to me and had gotten me through these 3 years and still keep me going because I have my ups and downs a lot, but that song felt like a preparation of what I was about to endure. Never hesitate to talk to someone. Rather that be a family member, a family friend, a lover, a counselor at school, a mentor, and so on don’t hesitate to speak to someone. They’ll listen, they might not always give you the answers that you want to hear but it’s a matter of caring. So never hesitate to speak to someone.

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I have a new alter-

He’s actually a nice guy-

His name is Viktor

And has showed me that he has a brother named Vigor

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My heart went from being 76 to 110 just by sitting up… that’s not scary at allll

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I’m gonna be honest

I look like a very dashing nerd

Like I love the way I look but HOLY COW

The glasses just gave me a whole new perspective of myself and I love it

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I’m gonna be honest and this is gonna make me cry-