Lori’s Journal

[alpine blaze]

Advice from my future self:

Keep moving forward. Keep trying and you’ll have achieved some of the goals you feel aren’t achievable. You will keep making progress. Don’t give up working to be a better version of yourself.
Also, stop. goddamn. worrying. Not everything needs to be thought about in depth. Not everything is a catastrophe. Let your brain shut off for a while. Take more space from people when you’re burnt out, and keep practicing self-care. You’re on the right track!
Follow your heart, take more risks, do more fun things…

💌 What is something I can thank myself for?

I thank myself for finally gaining the courage to try to improve myself. I felt so comfortably depressed and I was so set in my ways and I wasn’t ready for change - but I thank myself for making that step now and never giving up despite constantly feeling defeated.

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💌 What is something I worry about that is outside of my control?

Something I worry about that is outside my control is… well, most things 😂 I get anxious about such minor things, that I have no control over. I really need to get better at reality acceptance. I worry specifically about my alternating feelings towards people due to my BPD, I worry about what other people think about me, and I worry about people leaving. These things are out of my control, and are just part of life… I’m hoping to get better at just accepting reality as it is, and accepting that I can’t always change things, especially when it comes to other peoples actions!

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💌 Today I am grateful for…

I am grateful for the loving, supportive, understanding and accepting boyfriend I have. I’m not easy to be with and he sticks by me anyway.

I am also grateful to be finally doing DBT, as it’s something I have asked for since I was diagnosed 2 years ago and was actively refused due to limited NHS resources. It is helping me improve, and helping me find some hope.

Lastly, I am grateful for nice, funny, and supportive work colleagues and a great manager who accept and support me with my mental health despite us all working in a mental health setting. I feel a sense of belonging for the first time in a long time.

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💌 If money was no concern, where would you want to travel next, and why?

I’m not really sure where I’d want to travel. I’ve never really thought about it too intensely as I get homesick really easily and like my comforts. But I’m starting to leave my comfort zone a little now (baby steps!) and I think I’d love to visit the US. I wanna say New York but I’m no good with crowds but I’m interested to see what it’s like there. Florida too but mostly because my sister goes every year and loves it so it makes me curious. I’d also like to see Ireland. Not for any specific reason, but it seems like a beautiful and interesting place. Ooh I’d also love to visit Italy, beautiful country and good food! There’s no dream place, but they’re just places I’ve thought of!

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💌 What do I wish I knew more about?

Currently I wish I knew more about what I need to know before moving out. I’m getting to a point where I need my own space. I’m a person who gets over-stimulated after a while, or during times of distress, and my mum is naturally a boisterous and loud person. Often she doesn’t have any ill intentions, but I feel like my privacy and space isn’t respected, and I feel like she’s too loud and overwhelming. But that’s just how she is and since we moved from a house to a small flat, it’s just becoming more of an inconvenience and annoyance I suppose. But I’m scared to move out. I’ve been ‘babied’ as the youngest. I wish I knew more about how much money to save, what my responsibilities will be, what I’ll be paying for overall, how to even start looking to move out… it seems simple to most people, but with my processing issues and not being guided or supported with a lot of things, this sometimes feels like an impossible goal. Especially when I feel like if I move out I may become isolated.

In general though, I wish I knew more about how the mind works. It’s complex, and I’m not academically gifted. But I’d like to know how to train my brain properly, and how to make a difference mentally.

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💌 Was there anything in my week that made me excited? And why?

I struggle to feel any excitement. I’ve struggled with feeling positive emotions for a while, I’ve become numb to a lot of things. But something I’ve somewhat looked forward to is today; spending time with Dillan for the full day, and staying overnight. Because I can get away from my mum for a while and be at peace and comfortable with my favourite person 💜

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Something positive I tell myself to help me power through hard times:

I tell myself that I’ve gone through hard situations before. That I need to go through darkness in order to appreciate the light.

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💌 Whats something or a good trait about myself that I’m proud of?

I’m proud of my determination to better myself as a person, and I’m proud of my resilience. I may struggle and feel things intensely, but I always bounce back up and quickly recover.

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💌 What inspires you?

‘You need to experience the darkness before you can truly appreciate the light’ - this inspires me to keep going. I’ve gone through a lot of darkness, but a lot of the time all I feel is this emptiness. It gives me hope that I will soon experience, and truly appreciate, some happiness and good times.

Some of my colleagues (mostly the mental health nurses) inspire me as they’ve gone through their own traumas and mental health issues, and used their experiences to give back and support people. This is something I want to do, either a mental health nurse or a counsellor/therapist. I’m not fully decided yet.

💌 What’s one thing you wish you knew about yourself five years ago?

That I was my own person. That I was not and am not just the people around me. I am a person with my own experiences, own personality traits, own interests and opinions. I truly felt that I lost myself when I was around that age (18), and I didn’t know who I was. I wish I knew who I was as a person…

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💌 When I face a difficult situation, whom do I go to for advice?

Typically, I go to my boyfriend or my best friend. They’re the only 2 people who get me. However, I do sometimes go to my sister depending on the situation and my non-biological dads fiancée also gives really useful advice!

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💌 What is a Happy moment I remember from my childhood?
I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. But I remember going down my nans caravan with my cousin, spending nights sneaking into each others rooms to talk and eat sweets and then going swimming the next day and using the arcades and going to the jungle gym. Those days were fun!

💌 What is something I can do for myself today?

I’m in work 8am-8pm 🙃 but when I get home, I can practice some positive affirmation and self validation as part of my DBT. And make a nice hot chocolate, and lay in bed watching Netflix with my hot water bottle!

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💌 What are 5 things I like the most about myself? Why are these my strengths?

This one was hard lol. And I guess I like them? But sometimes I also don’t so idk. But…

Determination - I’m always determined to do my best, and to improve as a person, and I never give up until I succeed/make the improvements I’m aiming for.

Resilience - I may feel things strongly and be quick to break, but I also recover quickly and bounce back.

Humour - I have a good sense of humour ig? Like I find most things funny, and can make jokes or laugh even when I’m feeling awful - sometimes, not always.

Openness/communication - I don’t like that I overshare really lmao, but I guess I do like that I’m open. I’m a good communicator - it may sometimes not come out quite right, but I always communicate issues and open up when needed… this works really well in therapy, and works well in my relationship…

Organisation - I picked this solely because it’s a strength my manager highlighted in work but I like that I’m good at organising things and keeping things tidy. I help make things easier to read in work (like necessary signs for the walls), I help to create order to our client files and stuff… everything looks presentable and stuff so I kinda like that?

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💌 How did I get where I am today? Who or What made me me?

This one is a hard one because it's a little vague. I could say literally every single experience I've ever had has made me who I am today. But to narrow it down... I got to where I am today because I went through some difficult times, and decided that I wanted to understand why I was different to everyone else, and why I felt the way I did. So I studied and sought help. And I decided from then that I wanted to make a difference so that's why I am working in the mental health sector and have mental health related qualifications. That is also why I am a relatively empathic and understanding person.

Who made me, me? My family I suppose. The way I was treated, how I was brought up, the people I've been around. High school definitely contributed too, so I'd say some of my childhood friends made me who I am as well.

The bottom line is, I am who I am because of what I've been through, and who I have been around. I have issues with sense of self and understanding who I am, and I have always felt like I kinda 'adopt the personality' of those around me up until recently. I am still finding myself.

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💌 What is my first memory?

Most of my memories aren’t good, and a lot of my childhood is blocked out. But one of my first memories I think was me in a pushchair, mum taking me to pick my brother up from school then us going straight to his room to play on his PlayStation!

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💌 What question(s) are you afraid to ask someone else or yourself?

I’m afraid to ask myself if I’m truly ready for the next chapter of my life, and how I truly feel deep down. I’m afraid to ask people what they really think of me.

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💌 If you woke up tomorrow with a habit gone, what would it be?

Probably my forgetfulness when it comes to drinking. I barely drink any water or anything and forget a lot. Either that or maybe nail biting…

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💌 What’s one thing that makes your life easier?

My boyfriend. He’s really supportive and helpful whenever needed. Makes me feel more positive and hopeful about the future, and helps with the loneliness a lot.

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💌 What is the one quality about yourself that you respect?

I guess my determination to get better is respectable... Even when I feel like giving up and feel defeated, I don't. I'm determined to be a better version of myself and improve every day. If not for myself, then for those around me...

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If you could travel 10 years into the future to tell yourself one thing, what would you say?

You're 33 years old now. Don't live up to society norms. Keep living life how you want to live it without worrying about other people. Make choices because you want to make them. If you're not in a long-term relationship or married, remember that isn't the only meaning to life. There's still time. You've dealt with a disorder that has affected your ability to form and maintain relationships for so long, do what you feel is right. If you haven't got children, remember that being a parent isn't for everyone, and life doesn't always go as planned. Having kids and being married isn't everyone's happily ever after. You can be happy without those things. Do things when you're ready, not because your family or colleagues or friends etc have an expectation of you. If you are not at the peak of your career, and are still not 100% on what you want to do, that's okay. Finding yourself and discovering who you are and what you're good at is a journey. It will take as long as it takes. I just know comments will be made by the people around you. For most of your life you have not been good enough to your family. It's time you stop trying to be, and just be you.

💌 How would you compliment yourself?

I'd say I'm pretty strong, and determined, and resilient. I have gone through a lot up until this point, and have been thrown obstacles on every corner. I've fallen apart, but have always picked myself up and tried again. I've always taken my life experiences and used them to learn, grow, and help others. I have always had this determination to be a better person and improve my mental health, and I have always recovered when things have felt at it's worst.

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💌 When was the last time you lied to someone?

I struggled to recall when I last lied to someone. But of course, even though I try to be as honest as possible, everyone lies to an extent. I think it was when my mum called me Sunday evening. She’s in Tenerife on holiday, she asked if I was okay. I said yes. I said I was doing absolutely fine in the flat alone. In reality, I was crying a literal 2 minutes before she called. And I am far from okay. Not because I’m alone, just because. So I lied to her in that moment.

💌 Describe your favourite memory.

Ugh this one is so hard. I literally can’t think of a favourite memory… not to mention my memory is actually horrific so I’ll just pick something random. Recently, me and my boyfriend went to Bath for a weekend away together. It really brought us together, and it was nice to have a much needed break. We had really nice food in a fancy steakhouse and pizza place, and we looked around markets. We had a cocktail night and laughed over things that weren’t even remotely funny looking back and we saw a went to a comedy gig which was really fun and something I’ve wanted to do for a while! I felt content in those moments, and at peace. And that is a rare occurrence for me. For once, I had fun and felt comfortable.

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💌 Write a forgiving message to yourself.

It’s okay. You never had any ill intentions and there was never any malice behind any of your actions. You’ve done your best considering the circumstances, and the unstable mindset you’ve always been in. You’re trying your best to be a better version of yourself, and you do what you can to rectify your mistakes. You are only human, and I forgive you.

[trim talon]

Well done @alpine blaze ! you are rewarded with <@&1051306961662128248> for having made an entry in your journal on 10 different days.

[alpine blaze]

💌 Recount the last moment that made you smile.

I spend the day with my boyfriend today. I told him I’d like to take it easy because I’ve had bad period pains and been getting dizzy spells, because I stopped taking the medication to help with my bad periods. By the time I got to his, he made me a hot drink, bought me snacks and things I needed, and we cuddled up with the duvet on the sofa for a bit before going out for food. He told me I deserve to be looked after and I smiled because how did I get so lucky? 🥺

💌 One thing I wish people understood about me is…

I wish people understood the mood swings and the switches in mindset that I get, and why it happens. How I go from one extreme to the other… love to hate, anger to being elated, bored by a person then adoring them… people don’t understand that nothing is simple with me, and that my mindset, views, feelings towards others etc fluctuate as a subconscious defence mechanism. People not understanding that makes me feel alienated.

What is a recent experience that taught you a life lesson?

A new colleague started at work a few weeks ago, and we got along really well. I really like him, our humour and life experiences are similar. But he acted like we were besties, saying how much of a great shift he has with me and texts me to tell me to have a good day etc… only to then exaggerate the truth about something to my manager and get me in trouble. Said I sat in work and did nothing all day. In actual fact, I just do things at a slower pace than he does, but I ticked every task I did that day. I did my job. This felt fake and backstabby to me. He has also been gossiping and bitching about my other colleagues to me. The lesson I learned here was that you shouldn’t trust everyone you meet. Even in work in the mental health field people can be fake and like causing drama. Trust is earned.

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💌 What made you laugh recently?

Yesterday I was laughing a lot at the work Christmas meal! My manager made us some silly certificates I got one for being the ‘unofficial IT administrator’, just because I’m fast on the computer compared to my colleagues who are much older. My colleague who’s the mum of the group had one for providing advice and food it was just both really wholesome and really funny!

💌 What can I do today to make tomorrow easier?

This is a hard one purely because I have nothing to do tomorrow. However, my boyfriend is leaving tomorrow to go home for Christmas and New Years. I guess to make that easier I could spend some genuine quality time with him before he leaves. And make sure I have distractions in place in case it starts to get to me…

💌 Whats the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

This one is a hard one… not advice, more of a comment from a therapist that stuck with me, which was “you can’t control other people’s actions, you can only control you’re and if you’re doing the best you can then that is all you can do”. I didn’t realise, but I’d obsess about other peoples actions. If there was an argument and I tried to resolve it but the other person wasn’t cooperating, I was obsessed with trying to get them to cooperate. I just so badly want things to be right all the time. Unfortunately, not everyone is on the same path as you, they’re not always going to think the same. It’s all about acceptance. Accepting that you’ve done your best, and you can’t change the person or how they act. Acceptance is super hard but it’s a useful skill.

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💌 Write about an electronic device you feel grateful to have.

Uh I guess my phone? I have an iPhone 12. It’s my way of contacting all my online friends, and other loved ones. I have many photos of my niece and my pets and other memories, and I have some helpful apps on it.

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💌 You’ve found a genie, and you’re granted three wishes. What do you wish for?

1. Relationship stability. To be able to have stable feelings for someone and not have it fluctuate and have the idealization>devaluation cycle continue.

2. To be comfortable financially. Not rich. But comfortable enough to live in a nice home and have all my essentials sorted as well as some leisure.

3. To be a more proactive, productive, motivated and social person. Maybe actually have a maintain a long standing friendship and do things without debilitating anxiety and worry…

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💌 What’s one thing someone has said to you that you hold close to your heart?

My trauma therapist said I was remarkable once. I thought that was a really powerful compliment. She said it during my CBT sessions when I was blaming myself for the abuse and I felt defeated, and it’s something that got me thinking and made me feel stronger…

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Write about your favourite holiday story or movie. Why do you enjoy it?

I don’t like festive stories and movies really… I just think they’re cliché and cheesy, and half the time they’re unrealistically happy and successful and that’s just not what reality is like, at least not for me..,

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💌 What is your favourite holiday decoration? How does it make you feel?

I’ve never really thought about this tbh… I guess the candy canes we have on the tree, because they look festive but they also taste nice

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💌 What is the best gift you ever received?

Suddenly I’ve forgotten everything anyone ever gotten me
Idk last year I got this gold colouring book - all the sheets had gold outlining and with markers it ended up looking so cool! That’s the most recent thing I can think of. 💀

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💌 Are there any parts of the holiday season that are hard or difficult? How do you handle them?

I’ve always felt like I don’t have a right to struggle around Christmas and New Years because I technically have a close family. But towards me, my family are very belittling, dismissive and invalidating. If I were to show any emotion around this time of year, I’d be told I’m ruining it for everyone and that I’m weird for not being happy at Christmas time. I’d be told I’m being silly and need to lighten up. They are the first to preach love and acceptance to those struggling, but the last to offer me any of that. So what I struggle with is the pressure of needing to be happy and cheerful, and the lack of sense of belonging and acceptance. The loneliness and isolation I feel despite being surrounded by loved ones. I’m reminded of what I don’t have; stability, acceptance, unconditional love… my great uncle who was a large part of my life as a kid. My biological father who hasn’t been around since I was 15. There’s too much pressure to be someone I’m not, and feeling something I’m not. And I crack. I’ve not celebrated New Years for several years… my family make plans and don’t invite me…

How I handle it? I work. I’ve worked as a support worker in multiple mental health settings since 2018. These services are open 24 hours, 7 days a week. I often volunteer to work some days around Christmas and New Years, because it will keep me busy and distracted. And it’s rewarding to be able to support people around that period who may also struggle. Especially with my current job, because I have strong working relationships with my coworkers and we’re all quite tight nit. I also make sure I can have some me time around this period. It doesn’t have to be Christmas Day, or days I’m with family, but if I have one day around then it really helps me to fill up my social battery and mentally prepare myself! Boxing Day is usually the busiest for me, but Christmas Day is often the quietest when the afternoon comes so I’m able to have me time too. Also, I talk to people who do accept me. Boyfriend or best friend. Or my brother as he’s accepting. Self care is important 💜

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💌 My biggest challenge in 2022 is…

Probably getting onto my DBT course. I was diagnosed with BPD in 2020, and sent away with nothing. I have fought since to get some help specifically for that diagnosis, and DBT isn’t easy to get accepted for so it took a lot of effort, and it took me reaching some really low times… I have struggled with self-harm a lot this year, as well as my sleep getting worse, and some relationship difficulties. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that my family aren’t as present and supportive anymore. I’ve not been under a CMHT (community mental health team) this long before. I also went back to work after being out of work for 1 year and 6 months due to my mental health, and that was a challenge in itself. Overall, it’s been a challenging year, but doing the DBT and getting back into work was definitely my top 2 challenges.

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💌 I forgive myself for…

Hurting those I love(d) just because I was hurting myself, because I had split on them. I forgive myself for feeling hatred towards people who didn’t deserve it. I know it’s not my fault I feel that way, but I still treat people a certain way regardless and I forgive myself for that. Because I’m doing my best to better myself…

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💌 I couldn’t have done 2022 without…

My boyfriend. Literally been the only person to stick by me this year. Everyone’s just forgotten I existed or stopped caring about me. Every time I’ve fallen apart, I’ve had him to fall back on - even when we had a break…

But also probs my CPN. Because she continues to believe in me even when I’ve gone to our sessions dissociated and balling my eyes out.