storm shadow
F17. DMS open.
I've always shown serious talent in many fields such as arts, speech, writing, and academics.
However, without a proper support system I burnt out and now I'm more burdened by my potential than anything.
The amount of trauma I've experienced has resulted in serious memory loss wherein chunks of my memory r either gone or blurry as hell. This has, no surprise, transcended to my day-to-day memory wherein I'm just not as sharp as the average person my age.
Everyone is so energetic and full of life while I've never felt young for even a second. I'm a year away from being a legal adult and I'm afraid that my chances of experiencing all that youthful whimsy is gone. I've always been forced to be mature, be independent, be critical, and so much more. Always so much to work on but never a pat on the back.
I'm the eldest sibling and first daughter. I never got that princess treatment. I was always forced to show up for myself while my parents took the credit for everything I've become to cope with the fact they know they haven't been good parents.
I have medals and certificate only because academics became my life purpose for so long because thats what my parents instilled in me. My life is my education—but recently I gave up. I realized that no matter what I achieved they won't ever be happy with me anyways...if no one is willing to give me a break it's Abt time I give myself a break.
Not stressing Abt my academics became an act of empowerment for me. Well, it should've if it wasn't for my parents making it seem like everything I've achieved in the past was nothing now that I've given in. Whatever tho. They've yelled every degrading thing they can think of at me ever since I was so little that I'm honestly numb to fear.
I'm not scared to make them angry. They've been scary for most of my life...so much so that one day u just realize it's dumb to be scared when uve alr seen the worst of it. Ofc the only reason I managed to get it this far was due to something. What something tho? How do u js become numb to fear? Anger? And profanities? U disassociate. U zone out like becoming a spectator was an option all along until u're given more and more reasons to keep doing it til u master it.
Inevitably, once uve mastered it, there's this chance that it'll start to control u instead—and that's exacywhat happened to me. I can't control it anymore. So many ppl js tap my shoulder and ask y my gaze is so solemn, stoic, deep, and far away. They ask if uve eaten or gotten enough sleep and u say yea and that u were just thinking Abt something cuz it's not like u can tell them that years worth of pain and suffering basically tore ur psyche out of your body. Now, they disconnect here and there unprovoked and u can't fucking help it.
There's so much u can do at ur state that u can't help but wonder everything u could've achieved if u were like everyone else. Happy with a healthy memory. I get lost in places I've been to everyday for a year because nothing feels real to me half the time. I can take in my surroundings but my brain doesn't fully process any of it fast enough for it to remember. The second something is out of sight it's gone.
The tunnel vision is so bad. You're just always out of it and people notice. Luckily it doesn't massively impact my performance...I'm still very reliable but it impacts it a lot nonetheless.
Derealization as a coping and defense mechanism that leads to impaired memory is so real and it's hell cuz it's not like there's meds to fix it when barely anyone gets it.
Makes u feel so alien sometimes...shit srsly makes u question y u even try so hard til u give up and choose to stop trying at all. From top of my class I'm not even on the podium anymore...and with my "purpose" gone like that what ma I even for?
It's hard to make life meaningful when the very ppl meant to support u damage u this much