when does this suffocating feeling end?

[magic flint]

i'm fifteen living with just my mom.

my mom is unstable, it's mean to say but true. she's diagnosed with bpd and bipolar along with numerous other things. she abused me as a young child, ages 1-9, and enabled abuse from someone else from 10-13 as i never "pushed the issue". it's two years later and although the physical abuse has stopped i cannot hep but feel emotional abuse.

i can't tell if it's just my own symptoms of a personality disorder, something i'm suspected of having, or if it's real and it's suffocating. i just want out of this house, but the feeling would follow because i'm alone. it's inside of me and i'm miserable. i'm not a risk to myself, but oh my god i hate this.

i'm tired of being seen/portrayed as a villain to my mom and anyone else we meet. i'm tired of her ignoring my clear communication that i physically cannot love her. i'm tired. i want to report it, i want to get out, but theres no where to go and how can i report abuse i'm not even sure is real?? what if it's all resentment??

[livid vale]

Hi, I think a lot of it is trauma and childhood neglect. Our childhood serves as the foundation for who we become as adults. It’s not to say your destiny is forever scarred because of your abuse, it’s just how your brain wired. But, you’re in luck because the fact you are aware of the bad stuff that has happened in your life is the first step to healing and acceptance.

I had a very shaky childhood, but growing up, going off to college, becoming independent, seeing therapists, has significantly improved my quality of life