My self hatred is driving me insane.

[dapper parcel]

I will try to write this as factually as possible and keep emotions out of as much as I can it to get my point across.
I don't really know if I'm in the right place for this, but I need some advice because I don't really know what to do anymore.
For context, I'm from Germany, 21 years old, turning 22. I'm 5´10ft or 177cms tall. I weigh around 70kg or 160lbs. I study aviation at a university and work in the semester breaks for a big airline that funds my university.
I have had a terrible alcohol addiction that I quit 4 months ago. I'm trying my best to stay sober and turn my life around, but it's a fight every day.
I've lost a lot of friends since I moved away, and lost mostly all of my friends through a big recent fight around 2 months ago.
I've had a few relationships, and I have gotten cheated on every single time, in a few of these relationships multiple times, even.
I have been sexually abused as a kid, and in my time in my boarding school, we all got sexually abused again, which haunts me every night. Cameras in rooms, etc.
I struggle with extreme self-hatred. And that, unfortunately, for good reason. I'm terribly ugly. On the psa scale, I would categorize as a sub-3.
I used to go to the gym a lot and would have considered myself almost a bodybuilder for the past 3 years. However, in September last year, I got terribly sick and even had to go to the hospital multiple times. Everything I worked for is now gone. I forced myself to the gym because of extreme body dysmorphia. I always struggled with eating and forcefed myself 6 meals a day to gain weight. It worked perfectly fine, but at an extreme cost. Food was fuel and nothing else 4500kcals a day. It was unbearable, but I just wanted to look acceptable and not like a waste of oxygen. Which worked but now because of my stuipid body I lost it all, because I had to stop training.

(Part 1)

(Part 2)
I have had a lot of hobbies; I used to play in a band and did as mentioned above, bodybuilding. I love motorcycles and cars, and even have my own supersport bike that I ride a lot. I love drawing and aviation. Aviation used to be my biggest hobby. Video games as well. I'm a big astronomy and aerospace fan. I also worked in a casino to afford my motorcycle as a dealer for a long time. I also would count that as a hobby. My biggest dream is to become a pilot.
I have been suffering for a very long time, but recently I got to a point where I'm not sure if I can endure much more. Aviation is my dream and really the only thing I could picture myself doing in my life. Those familiar with aviation know you can't receive any mental help. Which I'm partly convinced I don't even need. I don't have depression, peer se, I'm just unfortunately factually completely ugly. I'm so ugly that it actually disgusts me.
But recently, it all has gotten so much worse. Besides my motorcycle, all my hobbies all of a sudden don't interest me anymore, and I don't find fun in anything. I can barely even get out of bed, and all of this seems terribly pointless. What is my purpose? It's weird because passion was never an issue for me. Since I'm so disgusting, I know I won't ever have a girlfriend again or a wife that I could potentially have a family with, which I don't want because I don't want my kids to suffer from my terrible genes. However, unfortunately, I deeply desire love and romance, and this makes all of this way harder.

(Part 3)
I know I will stay alone, but that's the point. What am I doing this for? I have barely any friends, my passions are dying, which I don't understand, and I deeply disgust myself. I don't even wanna go out anymore because I'm so sorry for other people having to look at me. I can't afford any surgeries to make me attractive. My parents have a lot of money, but I don't want to ask this from them, and they would never understand.
My studies are suffering from this severely. I have to really lock in to not get kicked out of uni but I can't even bring myself to study. I just physically can't. Its hard to describe.
A few weeks ago, this all got a lot worse. Constant thoughts about S*****e. I literally don't see any point. Why does it matter if I suffer for 21 years or 68? (low life expectancy). It won't get better, I will statistically for a sub3 stay alone forever, and I won't magically get pretty, or at least even mid. In the beginning, I pushed the thought away, and it keeps popping up. Especially when I ride my motorcycle. I dislike that because I like riding mountains and corners and not being depressed on it. Especially since I hate endangering others.
And I'm not really opposed to it. I don't wanna cry myself to sleep every night. And I also wanna matter to some friends. I know that won't happen because of pretty privilege (which I dont have), and looks are everything. But what do I do if I'm ugly? I don't see any point in proceeding.
I tried voicing all of this in my sobriety classes; however, they didn't understand it and said I just need to man up, which now makes me not wanna go there anymore. That's bad because that group really helped me with my addiction.

And all of that brought me here. I don't really know why I am writing this, but it's unbearable.

I'v haven't really had the opportunity to ask anyone for advice, so I hoped I might get some here. Sorry for the long text and the bother.

[red ermine]

hi man. that is a lot to be going through. if you want my opinion on it, it sounds like this was a long time coming. self-hatred can only work to fuel someone for so long in life. its great you did what you did to improve yourself - but it was never out of genuine kindness, those things you did for yourself that you mentioned, like the working out, sound like they are interlaced with a deep sense of self-loathing. that is really heavy to carry around all the time, you know? a human being can only carry a weight so long until their muscles give out. i think the alcohol probably helped you cope with your sexual trauma memories, and without it you're likely finding it harder to function than usual. if you ask me, you've likely never properly addressed the root cause of all this pain. let me explain.

abuse is insidious. as a child, we are unable to properly reflect on our reality yet. our brains and opinions are growing, and easily manipulated by the adults around us. that is why it is very important children grow up safe. i am sorry that you were sexually abused, i have also went through sexual trauma and it is horrid to have to deal with in any capacity. when a child is abused, and cannot tell anyone for help for whatever reason, they turn inwards. against themselves. they start asking all these notions regarding their abuse, if they "deserved it," or it wasn't "traumatic enough," or "it wasn't that bad," or something of that variation. abuse plants seeds of hate in you, against yourself, that can fester and make your entire reality miserable into adulthood.