#Loneliness

26 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

midnight matrix
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At the age of 6-10 I, myself, have recieved a kind of cruelty which seperated me from others, and it also seperated me from myself.

For years I have been isolating myself just to fall at a vulnerable spot where I can feel the sensation of sadness and pain, it used to be unsettling and uncomfortably disturbing at first, but at the moment I let go, it showed me lots of opportunities where I have learned quite more than being in one big group.

Now, I sit at the age of 14 with no connections, nor relationships with other people, I share no bond to anyone, not even close family members or my mother, and even bonding with siblings becomes a problem.

I used to harm and abuse people, because I was influenced in doing so, at a very young age of 8-10 my grandmother would use to order my big cousin to beat me up because of small mistakes and small misunderstandings, and this made me fall at a vulnerable spot.

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And at the age of 11-12 it stopped, the same cousin who would always use to beat me up until I am out of breath and abuse me until I am at a vulnerable spot, apologized and changed

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And so did i

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I became more

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And it helped me rise back up

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But I still don't forget about everything

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And it ruins my perspective.

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At the age of 13, I became more distant and I now hide the feelings by actively engaging with social activities with other people and my siblings

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And now it's all weird because, now I have a weird sensation and a longing for pain, it relieves me from the pressure

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And I once again abused this and got myself hurt all the time

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At the age of 14, it stopped, the sadness and he pain drifted off, and happiness itself came in, which I didn't like.

I have taken a huge amount of disrespect trying to show my love to my family.

The amount of distrust is sickening.

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I want to go back from where I was

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And I just don't know where to start once again.

golden pivot
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That sounds really painful, man. It wasn't your fault at all. There's nothing wrong with you, it's supposed to feel like that after everything you went through.

But I'm sure it will pass. It will take a while, but I believe you are strong. I don't fully understand everything you feel, but I'm sorry for that.

I can send you something that might help you if you want. Feel free to DM me, @midnight matrix :)

midnight matrix
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I found myself through the sadness I got and through the pain I felt

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It shaped me to who I am

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All the years I was happy are all complete waste, I found myself at the years I suffered, and those were the best years of my life

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But thank you for the recommendation

golden pivot
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It sounded traumatic to me

golden pivot
midnight matrix
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The way you feed and consume your mind with opinions of others or what you watch will set your perspective

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A perspective where into which you can be comfortable with

midnight matrix