low elm
I honestly don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe some advice and maybe some opinions.
For context I’ve had a bad string of relationships in the past where I’ve been cheated on or used as a backup. I will admit that was my fault for allowing those things to happen to me since I was immature.
I’m 17 now and still very young in the grand scheme of things, but I’ve met this guy online around a month ago and we agreed to be in some sort of talking stage where neither of us would try to find some other romantic figure, since he wants this to work and so do I.
The slight issue is, at least from what I’ve seen, he’s very nice and polite and many people would see him as the ideal partner.
I don’t know why I struggle to develop intense feelings for him. It seems like a pattern where after a certain point I’ve lost most of my romantic feelings for people and it’s very hard to activate them again. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism, maybe it’s not.
Anyways, back to this guy- I wanna date him eventually and make this work irl since I’m planning to go close to him irl next year for university. However, the problem with that currently is I’m busy over a lot of things irl such as exam and competitions and I don’t wanna stretch myself too thin.
I’m just not sure what to do here because I want him eventually but at the same time I don’t know if I have the capacity to fully deal with a relationship right now, in terms of me being able to offer myself up. I’m holding back my love cuz I’m scared.
This also comes in pair with my sense of overthinking and paranoia that’s probably resulted from past experiences which is annoying because I’m afraid he’ll hurt me and idk if I have the capacity to deal with that rn in a healthy way.
If he leaves I guess the world wouldn’t end but it would just suck.
Should I just abandon the idea of relationships entirely? I mean, it is something that I want but something that feels like I could never hold.
I do like him. A lot.
astral hornet