manic tusk
To get you filled in before making a response, if any, it is very hard using my brain or saying what's in my head when it really matters; very hard giving input to a person when asked at that specific time whereas it could be a newly-started conversation or even a group discussion. It could be burnout from writing dozens of essays this semester, but a worse, more palpable reason could just be...everything I've gone through lately. Which, I'll explain..it's at least 5 months old by now, but it sucks
My best friend started talking less that long ago, we used to talk everyday, our chats were fruitful so much that we actually knew about each other kind of like siblings, but after mid-november of 2025, I noticed she took hours to respond and I'd have to go to work to even get three sentences out of her, talking felt like betrayal in a way, she didn't open up to me, didn't tell me about her day, wouldn't say hi in the morning anymore and expected me to act like things were normal. I confronted her about it time after time but she didn't address it and kept forcefeeding me my faults (saying my issue with her changing is a fault in&of itself). Worse thing is that I started coping with this by going to servers and asking for new friends, it worked, but those friends had best friends that ended up breaking contact with them; the same thing that happens with me, happened to their dynamics. Met about 20 or more of those folks since then. My best friend blocked me a month ago, but added note that she is bipolar, and made that apparent. I addressed her distancing tendencies the last time, she told me "no promises that it'll change though". I tried my best to keep us in the green for the time, but I couldn't. She only thought to open up to me a single time because she was in a good mood, and I have receipts that she never thought about me at all when it mattered, and the whole way she makes me walk on eggshells in the relationship, I noticed the changes and it felt like she didn't like the fact that I could. I could say more, but I forgot. What matters is that I called her a best friend (she was my first best friend ever, I am 18 now), and the result.
This is why I barely respond to texts on time and take so much energy to stay consistent with someone that I willingly choose to talk to, staying coherent with the topic of a conversation is also a hard thing to do naturally, I've noticed I just do not resonate with people at all, and if I do it's a dry, simple chat with no structure, if there is a chat about something it's mostly the "how are you" and "what are you doing" short convo. There's nothing else to it, and it pains me because I want to be able to go to a further level in friendship in my life, not just acquaintances. My expectations are high but I also just don't feel compatible with people. I'm a spectator. Though, I'm also a writer and I have a slow motivation to write, some days I don't feel like a good writer than before.
dense fox