UHHH this is my journal, im gonna use it to vent but also keep track of things? Ig
#Fen's Journal
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Entry 1 i guess?
TW for death, grief, r#bies, anxiety/hypochondria, OCD
||So about some time a year ago, I developed a severe fear of contracting rabies. After experiencing harsh grief for the first time where i couldnt eat or sleep, because of a trauma from a previous loss of a pet puppy we raised that died of Parvo over 2 years ago (that i mistook for rabies because of an injury in her ear that my mom never took her to get checked out), I in my panic and with severe hypochondria assumed that was it for me, and developed hydrophobia despite the fact ive never ever been bitten by an animal or gone near a rabid animal (it goes away on my medication, but on my most anxious days it does make a return)||
||In reality I had never experienced true grief before. I was already mourning the loss of my dog at the time who i was very close to, and made a rough decision not long after to cut off a bunch of friends i thought were kindof toxic. It was an awful but kindof nessecary decision, but at the time i screamed so loud from the grief because i didnt know what it was like- why it made my head hurt so bad, why i couldnt sleep or eat, i forcefully spit up my water and panicked at the sight of it because i was so sucked into the delusion.||
So nearing a year later after its gone away and ive had counseling, my anxiety is spiking, i had way too much caffine today and im running off extreme sleep deprivation, it doesnt help that im dealing with pmdd for this month, so i start getting that awful cold feeling in my chest at the sight of it, the reminders of the things i felt last year. Thats when i just. Decided to look it up. Normally i know i shouldnt but i know im not sick, and now i know its just trauma, hypochondria, highly possible OCD, so instead of looking up symptoms im looking up possible responses to trauma.
Thats when i found it. This is. A genuine condition that exists. One that does affect people physically because of a mix of hypochondria and intrusive thoughts. Its called ||rabies OCD||, A specific branch of ||OCD|| developed from a traumatic event related to it, one of the reasons being a loss of a pet. People who experience it ||do possibly develop a hydrophobia, because its a symptom of the actual thing, purely because of hypochondria.|| and i cried.
I cried because its been a year and I finally have an awnser. I finally know that I'm okay, and that it truly is all just anxiety because it went away after being put on medication and treatable and im not alone in that awful feeling. In a sense i finally feel free, free from that gosh awful feeling ive been getting for so long despite being physically okay. Im okay.
Ig i also have thallassophobia however thats spelled? And germaphobia? Maybe that contributed to it? But im pretty sure its unrelated. Either way ive been working on that, last time i visited the coast i managed to walk around a shallow part of the ocean, and watched the waves against the shore. It was neat seeing the boats too. The ocean is kindof just,,,,, really big. And i get scared of natural disasters
( ´∀｀ )
Ah,,, a lot of my struggles stems from irrational anxiety and intrusive thoughts, im considering telling my counselour ab this my next visit. I kindof always thought i might have OCD, and it does genuinely make life hard when im off my medication. Getting started on them was terrible, it was like those intruding voices were amplified and way more beliveable, and more and more it felt like i wanted to rip out the part of my head thinking up such awful things. Such a terrible feeling. The medications have been helping a TON but id like to have a confirmation of that. Ive also been told because my ADHD has gone untreated so long it also contributes to the intrusive thoughts so i was supposed to be put on medication for that too, but i forgot to schedule the referral,,, ironically
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Adding to that self-reassurance, ||its not that i CANT drink water, i can and i do stay hydrated, and i do love swimming in it and hot showers, its moreso reminders of that time when i thought i couldnt drink it anymore, but even so it genuinely was all in my head because again i was never unable to drink it, i FORCED myself spit it out in my delusion because thats what i saw people online do, i watched videos i shouldnt have back when i had crazy bad hypochondria, i was fine drinking liquids the next day, heck i even lived off meal shakes until i could eat again, its just WATER that i kindof forced myself to have that image of when i was going through that. I try to mess with my thoughts, fight back in a way. I tell myself when those intrusive thoughts and bad memories come flooding back in, "but you can drink soda just fine huh?" Because i do have a bit of an addiction to sugar/soda, which is unrelated||
And i AM going through grief again, not as bad as last time because now I know how it feels, and how to cope with it. I lost a lot of family members in the past month to ||divorce, death, brother leaving to the army, almost alchoholism but it turned out okay in the end|| so i should expect to have more trouble living life as i normally would! Thats just how life is when it comes to losing the people you care about. It makes you sad, you arent gonna be the person you used to be. It forces you to grow up and face things head on, and big changes like that are terrifying, my dad faced the exact same thing but because he doesnt have that trauma of losing a dog to illness nor does ha have OCD, he didnt jump to that conclusion, it really was just a result of hypochondria
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I think the most frustrating thing about being Autistic, for me personally anyways, is the inability to pinpoint how you feel/ what you're feeling, and the instability of how you feel
My dad corrected me on a mistake i made, when i was doing my best, but my dad kindof kept reapeating and asking me questions on how to fix it
It kindof happens a lot. People dont trust me because they think I'm dumb. And in the case I slip up people expect me to know immediately what to do. I don't. Maybe I am just dumb. Maybe I just get frustrated when I get asked over and over and over why I messed up.
I don't know.
I just. I don't know thats literally all I can say.
Why did I do this? Why did I do that? Why do I start crying in my room over something so minor.