Rin's Online Diary

[misty sparrow]

TW: ||Thoughts of Giving Up, Cursing ||

Dear ||Lance||,
I know you won’t find this. I'm fully aware that you barely use Discord or any other social media platforms—at least, that's how I knew you before. You still surprise me, and I hate how your absence continues to invoke feelings within me, whether they be confusion, hurt, or nostalgia.

I hate how you chose to run away instead of talking—instead of facing these trials with me. I hate how I felt and feel like I was never worth the conversation, never worth the wait, never worth anything. How foolish I was to believe your words contained substance. Was all the crying fake? Was what you felt fake? Was it just limerence? Was I just some girl?

You claim to 'love me deeply,' but where is this love? Where were you when I needed you most?

Was I both too much and not enough?

How is it that the moment I expressed my discomfort, you saw it as a threat? The moment I felt jealous, you told me to express it—you told me there was no need to hide it—yet you called me controlling? you called me INSANE; you saw me as a JOKE. You're using scenarios from whatever we were, shift the narrative, and blame ME for your wrongdoings. How much do I have to minimize myself, how much do I have to sacrifice for you?

**What about me? **

When will you realize that I was hurt too? When will you realize that your actions hurt me?

I was overwhelmed because of your actions, yet you blame how I reacted to them. You think that what you’re doing gives me safety or security, but all you really do is think of yourself. You’re a ||fucking ||joke.

[misty sparrow]

"Too Little, Too Late"

Dear ||Lance||,

I hope one day you realize how the weight of your actions heavily affected me and changed my perspective on love.
I hope one day you realize running away isn't a permanent solution to every argument.
I hope one day you realize that apologizing without consistent effort is pointless, and you're only clowning yourself when you blame me for how I reacted to YOUR actions.
I hope one day you'll miss me dearly—that you'd rather give up on love if it means having me in the end.

But that's too much to ask, isn't it?

I'll always be 'too much' and 'not enough' for you.

I'll always be that one ex who's still hung up on whatever we were and whatever we had. I'll always be that one girl you 'dated' but never took seriously, because that's just how I am to you. 'Controlling, insane, and toxic'—labels you spat as if you’ve done nothing wrong. I never thought you’d have the audacity to shift the narrative—freeing yourself from the guilt and the grave you've dug for yourself, while leaving me in the ruins of whatever we were. I thought you were better than this; I really thought you'd stay, but you chose the easy way out,

You chose her, and I'll forever resent you for that.

Having to minimize myself and keep quiet about what I was feeling just to keep you. Having to believe these fantasies of yours, like growing up together and marriage—fucking marriage.

*How foolish. *

I’ll see you in the aisle, but I’m not the one getting married.

How foolish.

I guess I’ll whisper vows I’ll never say to you.
I guess I’ll promise to never look your way again.

[misty sparrow]

"Even so, I'd rather it be him than anyone else, tbh. I just didn't like the fact that he rushes into things instead of taking his time to get to know me. Like, wdym you're saying 'Ily' but you haven't gotten to know how angry I can get? I never liked the fact that he doesn't acknowledge the gravity of those words and how they can affect a person, especially me. He's my first, and those words carry the weight of the world. He should know that—I’ve been transparent about my history. His expectations of me blinded him to the reality of who I am. His words lack substance, and I was foolish enough to follow through.

Then again

I really wanted it to be him

He just couldn't love me the way I wanted him to "

"But I can't blame him in that aspect. You just can't expect a plant to bear fruit if its environment never gave it time to grow—much like a pig who goes back to the same mud, no matter how much you clean it. The relationship ended up feeling like a hassle; it was more of an obligation than a responsibility.

At the end of the day, I understand why he did that

That's just how he is.

A narcissistic, apathetic loser with no personality, who feeds off female validation just to feel superior."

_

Dear ||Lance||,

I really do hope that this meeting will be our last; but if fate changes direction, I can't say I'll be ready, but I'll let it. If that means I can spend the rest of my days with you in the end, then so be it.

I'm asking for too much, aren't I?

[misty sparrow]

Dear ||Lance||,

It's never over with you, isn't it?

I hate how I find myself constantly thinking about you—whatever we had and whatever we were, everything that made up 'us.'
I hate how I keep finding myself playing these games that you would've liked, asking myself, 'I wonder if he would like these' or 'I wonder what he would think about this—he’ll probably correct my gameplay or something. He’s so cheeky.'"

**Fuck. **

I can't help but wonder how you are, how you've been, and how your life is going. I can't imagine the number of times life has put you in a dumpster because you failed to show the maturity you so confidently claim to have.

You really are a self-supremacist, just like Beautiful(codename) told me. I really do hope fate challenges you in ways you can't even fathom.

_

Though, I do believe that I am better than you in every aspect. Sorry, not sorry.

[misty sparrow]

On everything that I love in this world, you are literally the biggest clown in the circus. You humor me more than any joke ever could, and no matter how high you see yourself, may the reality of what is **humble **you. May you be silenced, not *just * silent.

I really do hope fate plays a part in your life, since it seems to me you haven't been hurt enough to appreciate or acknowledge what you have—and what you don't. Your greed truly sickens me.

Rin's Online Diary

[misty sparrow]

Dear ||Lance||,

The more you deny our similarities, the more convinced I am that you are me—but in the past. Yes, we differ in some ways, but at the end of the day, being compared to you—the entirety of you—feels more like an insult than a compliment.

I pray that no other girl goes through the same experience I did because of your fragile ego and emotional immaturity. You claim you don't take me for granted; you claim that I'll be your last. Yet, the moment another girl appears, your heart wanders.

Put me and her in a room, and you'd pick her.

You'd choose her—someone you've known for a week—over me.

Was I really not enough? Or was I too much?

But who's to say, when all you do is all bark and no bite? Again, you humor me more than any joke ever could. You get angry, you badmouth people who talk behind my back, and yet you fail to realize you've done it yourself.

[misty sparrow]

Dear ||Lance||,

I hate how you're living life scot-free, while I crumble with whatever is left of us.

You treat relationships as if they're a game, you mock the sight of me, and you keep on proving a point instead of owning up to your actions. How pathetic.

I never knew someone like you could do this.

For someone who claims to "love me deeply," you probably don't have a single thought behind those eyes of yours. They weren't even nice anyway—just weird.

Gahd.

[misty sparrow]

I hate the way your eyes look.
I hate the way you look at me with wandering eyes.
I hate your thin ahh lips.
I hate how your face expands when I get close to you.
I hate how you look before I kiss you and after I kissed you.
I hate how one of your canines are missing.
I hate how you barely have the time to take care of yourself.
I hate how your jaw resembles that of a homo neanderthalensis.
I hate how your eyes go a different direction.
I hate how you keep on escalating things, and then blame me for your behavior.
I hate the way you walk.
I hate the way you think your walk is auramaxxing/aura farming.
I hate the way you talk.
I hate the way your mouth moves.
I hate how your voice is deep.
I hate the way the vibrations of your voice soothes me to the point I could sleep on the spot, on your shoulder, peacefully.
I hate the way we match music taste.
I hate the way we both like playing guitars
I hate the way we both like Blasphemous.
I hate the way we both like Sekiro.
I hate the way we hugged each other when the both of us cried because of our troubles.
I hate the way you would sob at the bare minimum that I give you.

You're so pathetic, that it's cute. I hate it

[misty sparrow]

Dear ||Lance||,

I'm starting to regret loving you, but I'm also grateful that you were part of my narrative. Truly, without you, I wouldn't have known where I'd go once the sy starts. Heck, I'll probably be in an office encoding a bunch of numbers. Working from 7 to 5 like an npc in a box, and I would've hated that future.

All the college admissions, gone, all because I drowned in my sorrow. I wish I hadn't met you. I genuinely want to get out of here, out of the places where I remember you, even in your absence. All this sadness, yet I still wonder if you feel the same way.

[misty sparrow]

Dear ||Alexa||,

I hope you drown in your sorrow, and I hope your guilt lingers. I truly wish you well, but I'll let karma decide your fate. I had really hoped you've changed given you've put in the effort to apologize to me via message back then. I don't like you, not one bit, and I never will. I did hope you'll prove me wrong, but that's just too much to ask from you, is it? I'll never understand how one person could do so much more, and from what you did, it's already enough for me to know who you are and where you are.

You sicken me.

You really are as pathetic as him.

[misty sparrow]

All bark and no bite? Pathetic.

[misty sparrow]

TW: ||Cursing, Pedophilia||

Dear ||Lance||,

I’m finally starting to forget you, and honestly, that’s such a huge milestone for me. I feel great about it, rather than the opposite. It’s such a relief to realize how much I was glazing you just because I really wanted you to be 'the one.' I hoped you’d reciprocate that energy, but you didn’t, and that’s fine.

I didn’t want to deal with how problematic you were anyway—especially your friends who tolerated all the grooming that new girl did to you. I did care, and I still do, but the way you’re allowing sh*t to happen without considering the consequences is such a problematic-ahh move, and a selfish one at that. You claim to be 'standing on business' with the truth, but you’re really just changing the narrative to avoid accountability.

[misty sparrow]

Dear ||Lance||

[misty sparrow]

I'm just so tired of carrying this emotional baggage, even if it's been months since the breakup. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing to numb myself, but I also want all this pain to finish. I can't just spiral back as if all the healing never happened

I can barely rest, nor even have the will to sleep, because even in your absence, you're present in my dreams, and I hate that I keep on seeing you even if imaginary.

I hate it.

I hate you.

[misty sparrow]

Dear Fetus,

Let this be my last apology to you. I acknowledge that I haven't been the best partner for you, and I've pushed you to the limits without considering how you'd feel. What I said back then was immature and childish, and isn't what I'd want in a relationship— especially with you. I've hurt you, so much so that you've lost yourself trying to hold me. Please know that my intentions were pure, but I understand your perspective and how you perceived them. Your anger is valid, and I'm sorry I couldn't express and word my words better.

I understand that I have much to learn about relationships and I'm truly grateful that you've pointed out where I've lacked and where I should start growing, even if it wasn't direct.

My experience with you shaped me into a better person than I was before, and because of this, I wish the same for you. If you still have resentment in your heart, I'll let you keep it. You have every right to, because I know I deserve it. If it means giving you peace, then I'll let you. If it means you'll be with her, then by all means, go ahead. I want you to live a life filled with prosperity and joy, and if that life doesn't include me, then I won't force it. Not when my presence hurts you.

[misty sparrow]

I wonder if that really is an apology

[misty sparrow]

Maybe I couldn't love you properly because I couldn't even love myself, nor give love to those around me. I had hurt my friends, my family, and then you, and I was too selfish to care because it didn't affect me. I should've responded better and considered how they would feel, even if my actions weren't directed at them. I really was selfish, and I had let my anger blind me from doing what's right.

[misty sparrow]

I admit

I still dream of you, even if I don't want to

And I hate it each time it happens, because even if I lucid dream, I can't control what happens next

||I'm not really the best in storytelling🥀||

TW: Cursing

[misty sparrow]

I'll probably never be able to move on from this, ngl. The amount of disrespect I had to tolerate just so he could say, 'If there are any signs of disrespect, I'll leave.' That's so selfish of him, but stupid of me. I feel so used, taken advantage of for my naivety, and worse, looked down upon for whoever I was when I was with him. Despite all, I can't blame him. I blame myself.

[misty sparrow]

The things I hate about you

1. I hate the way you'd react violently when you're overwhelmed. So much so that it gets to the point you'd hurt someone physically, else, shout at them.

2. I hate the way you dismiss my boundaries countless times, and make me feel like I have to say yes to everything, even when I shouldn't.

3. I hate the way you dismiss my feelings, my hurt, and then diagnose me with some random mental illness you searched up on the internet instead of apologizing for it.

4. I hate the way you run away from accountability. You're all bark and no bite, especially when it matters, and I didn't like that I had to fix up the wreckage we both made while you live your life with another girl.

5. I hate that at the end of the day, I barely know you despite knowing you for a year before you knew me. I've always realized you hadn't got the time to know me, and I had hoped you would at some point, but I don't think you ever did.

6. There's still a fraction of me waiting for the day you'd eventually come back, and that when you do, you're a changed man. Though, I don't think you'll ever have the capacity to because that's just who you are. I hate that you're too prideful and stubborn to even see your mistakes.

7. I hate that I'll never feel or be good enough for you. Not once did I ever feel that way with you—feels like I had to do something to deserve you and prove my worth.