#Sofi’s Journal

10 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

vast echo
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This is my first time doing a public journal like this, but maybe it will help with staying on track with my goals and push me to be more consistent.
Here are the main issues which I want to work out.

Body issues- when I look at my body I often see something different every time. I struggle a lot with loving my self, especially when it comes to my looks. I feel shame when people look at my in the face sometimes because I wish they wouldn’t have to see someone so ugly. Also I inevitably fell into the trap of comparing yourself online to other people. I see their flawless skin and flat tummy’s and I become very worried and insecure. I wish to not see my self this way. And to be able to take care of my body and treat it with respect.

Manic depression- I can go from feeling extremely happy and positive, to feeling extremely depressed and hopeless. Back when I was in the mental hospital I was diagnosed with this. I don’t take medication for it because it did genuinely not help me. The side effects for that specific medicine caused me to have super bad memory which led me to become even more depressed than I was before.

Over eating- when I realize how much pain I am in or deal with any negative and overheating feelings, I eat it all away. I want to have a better relationship with food. I also wish I would stop feeding myself junk food and candy, because I know it’s bad for me. I want to eat nutritious meals everyday.

Family and friends- my mental health has made it very difficult for me to have consistent and healthy relationships with those whom I love. I want to be able to be a good sister, the best friend my best-friend is always to me. I want to be just as happy and as able as I was back then.

balmy temple
# vast echo This is my first time doing a public journal like this, but maybe it will help w...

i can relate to you in a very personal scale, i was once in a mental hospital Family and Friends and Myself were a big part of the reason me and my mental health hurted..
understanding my emotions took some time; and loving myself wasn't easy.

But it's okay because now i'm okay and happy :), i know you can do this 🥹 you can be strong and feirce; you are loved, cared and listened, we care about you sofi <3

love you sofi ❤️

vast echo
vast echo
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March 16- Today was an alright day. I woke up feeling pretty angry at my dad, not because he did anything particularly wrong, except knock the door annoyingly loud when I’m asleep or just in general, but because I remembered all the hurtful words he’s ever said to me. How all the actions and hatred he has poured into me has contributed immensely to my self hatred. And then I remembered how many times I had to deal with the police because of him, how he manipulated everyone around me to make himself look like the victim. Today he yelled at me and my heart jumped out of my chest. I hate being yelled at. Besides a rather rocky beginning and middle of my day, I had tons of fun at school. I was a little nervous to go to school today because I kinda messed up my eyebrows when I was shaving them, but as always my friends seem to show me nothing but endless love. I think I am a lot more loved than I believe I am. My bestfriend reassured me she needed me and loved me. That felt really really great, because truth is I want her in my life for as long as I live. She came over my house today, we played Roblox, then she left. It made me feel a little sad to see her go, but it makes me appreciate her even more. I did pick my face today which was a bit of self-harm. But I feel like I’m starting to see a more positive light on some things. Tomorrows my sisters birthday so I’m hoping we can celebrate it together and have fun! (No family drama)

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Also a little off topic, but I think I quit my job because I haven’t showed up in two days. I’m supposed to show up tomorrow but I don’t think I will. I really hate my job since they take away my digital tips, and to be honest I deserve all the money I make because I’m serving and taking orders for tables, to-go, DoorDash and uber, cleaning (bathrooms and everything), packing orders, and just dealing with customers in general. I don’t enjoy my work at all. I wanna do something I truly enjoy. I always wanted to make drinks like coffee or bobba, or sell cute pastry’s at a bakery. I’m gonna start job hunting soon because I don’t want to waste my life like this. My dad doesn’t know I quit yet, last time he found out he literally went ballistic on me. Mind you I was 14, I wasn’t helping him pay bills nor did he need it. I really hope he doesn’t do that again although there’s no telling since he started showing he’s anger towards me again today. I tried looking for some therapists under Medicare, and I dint find any. I’m a little disappointed because mental care is just as important as physical, but I will keep searching. Wished it was more accessible to get the help I need so bad and are encouraged to do so by medical professionals themselves. What a joke

balmy temple
vast echo
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March 18- yesterday it was a bit of a roller coaster. It was my little sisters birthday so my brother sent her $100 for her to spend for herself. So my bestfriend joins to celebrate and we go out to eat then go shopping for clothes for my sister (with the $$$ my brother gave her) my dad isn’t buying her anything. Saying how he needed to buy her only the discount clothes and how it needed to be 1 size bigger because she was gonna outgrow her clothes. Which I understand. However, this money wasn’t coming out of his packet whatsoever. My sister was trying on super cute clothes only for my father to turn everyone of them down to then start talking about our economic situation. Now this made me furious for 2 things: 1, he’s been known to lie about how we’re doing economically. He earns good money (I know because he tells my friends dad, don’t know if it’s to brag or not) he has enough money to buy beer like everyday apparently and more junk food and sweets than I could ever imagine, but not to buy her daughter good clothes?!??! And 2, because he only ended up buying her ONE shirt. Out of the $100 he bought her ONE shirt. (It was $6) fucking asshole. She also got a dress which she loved but I had to pay for it or else he would not get it for her. I don’t have a job anymore so that came out of packet, and I got it for her because when he said no she came back to the dressing room and she just sighed silently. She has autism, and does not complain much, she’s always very happy. So that hurt me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to cry just seeing her that way. Anyways after that the day was ruined. Then he tried telling me in Spanish so my friend wouldn’t understand how he doesn’t have the money to just splurge like that and honestly I could only pray that I had ears like dumbo so I could fly away and stop listening to that ear ripping noise that is his voice. Anyways I did had fun with my friend at the end, we played some royale high because we saw it had some new fun updates

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So we made new accounts and started farming from 0. We were dying laughing from our avatars and the faces we made for them. But it was kinda hard to have fun when I saw my sister look so sad and disappointed. I know how she feels. For my quinceañera my dad din’t do anything. I’m taking about he bought me 2 snacks from five bellow, then when out to shop with my sister. When I tell y’all I cried so hard that day. I just don’t want her to go through the same things that I went through.

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Anyways that’s kinda it. This morning I still feel like skinning my dad ngl but we’ll see

vast echo
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Feeling good so far, having some very negative emotions about my body and how I look, but I’m working on it <33