tidal's

[grim comet]

i won't be here every day, i just wanna write here every time i feel stressed or every time i feel like the world is gonna turn in on me; Maybe look back and realize that it wasn't really all that bad.

today i'm sitting here waiting until 4pm for music theory, i really don't like it when i know i have a class coming up because then i feel like i HAVE to get everything done by then. it breaks my flow, i feel.

i have to study for this really hard business test coming up and it's like almost completely calculations based + a really hard 6 paragraph essay that has to be done within the 80 minute timeframe : (
sure i was awake during the lessons, but i still can't help but feel like i'm going under because the amount i have to review FEELS really arduous, and i just want to run away from my problems and decorate my room feel better.

i'm behind on pretty much all my school work because i sleep during some of my classes, i procrastinate and don't use my class time wisely, and i just feel really incapable and really insecure about my ability to do work

i had this part of my life where i was really really reliant on AI for daily tasks and homework, and i'm kinda ashamed of it to the point where doing any work on my own feels like it's not my own, i feel as though my efforts never come to fruition.

i need to talk to my supervisor for this huge essay project that's supposed to take until senior yeat to finish, and i need to talk to my film teacher about it because that's the topic i chose

i have to talk to a lot of people, and i feel like i'm just putting up a front to talk to them. i don't feel like making connections, i don't want to talk to anyone for that matter, but i force myself to talk to them in the most straightforward way possible

i try to make myself sound confident and like i know what i'm doing, but frankly, i don't know what i'm doing

i just sound confident because that's what will get me out of a conversation faster, and i become very very straightforward and stiff, i just don't feel like myself

i make all these promises and absurd claims about what i'm going to do; i'll finish all my homework, i'm gonna get into the highest grade boundary on this test, i'm gonna ace it all!!! but it never turns out like that

i know i'm not putting in my 100% and my best effort into everything, but even when i do try, i feel like i never see any results

it's really demotivating when i'm just forced to push through with no real reward or incentive to continue, and i feel like i'm dragging my feet through this sludge of academic work

no matter how productive i feel, every time i'm faced with this strenuous workload, i just want to give up, because it feels like this insurmountable wall that i can't get over and i can't see past it

i know i'll make it into my top choice university, and i know that i'll do just fine, but i want to at least be able to say "i tried! i did it! i reached my goals!"

i don't know who to do this for, i don't know what i'm doing this all for, i don't even know what i want to do anymore.

this is a really bad spiral and i should stop. i let it out today, and i'm gonna focus on one topic at a time.

my goal for today is to finish the questions in the workbook given by the teacher, hang up some notes on the wall, scan through profitability ratios, and then briefly skim through cash flows

[grim comet]

i was productive today but my eyes and my head really hurt. i have to finish all this work though because i'll lag behind again if i don't. i really underestimated the amount of time it would take me, and i really underestimated the amount of resolve i have towards this kind of thing
it's all mostly just creative work, so i can't really complain but MAN would it be nice for it to be easy

i wish i could just be more productive and hard working, and i wish i was more confident

i have to work on managing my team's time and schedule for the rest of this month in order to get out film in on time, but my teammates are really really useless and they dont' want to learn

i can't even communicate with one of them because she speaks another language that i don't speak, and the other one is straight up kinda lazy or incompetent

i should trust them but i don't know how

i just keep saying "i'll figure it out" or "i'll do it" and i'm afraid that will reflect badly on me because im techncially taking away their opportunity to raise their grades

i pretty much did this entire project without them because i was lowkey gatekeeping it, so i don't really have anyone to blame if this goes awry

i don't know how to share this creative vision with them anymore and it's all just piling up on me, and i don't know if i should just trust them or not because it's genuinely sort of my fault for not letting them contribute

then again, i can't tell if it's because they pushed it onto me, or if it's because i'm hoarding all the work

i'm just really trying to stand strong but it's really hard to when nothing really motivates me other than purely "i have to get it done"

i'm also not looking forward to the productivity crash after this week's assessments and tasks due

i'll end this rant with a wish;

i wish that i managed my time more wisely, and that i did things when they were assigned to me. i wish i wasn't scared of the process, and that i focused on the results

[grim comet]

i feel really pressured to study and manage everytihng that i procastinated on for the past few weeks

i still have to study hard on top of getting everything in on time

and i have to maek sure everything is really high quality

it's kinda scary, almost, because the urge to procrastinate is getting really strong

but i know i have to just stick with it

everything just builds on itself honestly, and i feel like i'm getting really really bland in my daily conversations

ever since like 2 days ago i noticed that i've been acting more and more like the people that i loathe and despise and criticize, and it's kind of scary because i feel like my friends ignore me when i speak

sometimes

i wish i was more laid back but also hard working, enduring but also smart, straightforward but not boring

i just wish i could be the perfect balance between educated, laid back, talented, respectful, and interesting

i already know people like that, which makes me believe that perfect people really do exist, even if htey have their share of problems too

no matter what i want to thrive and BECOME someone who can succeed at ANYTHING they put their mind to 🩷

for an impossible wish, i wish i had more time. i can endure it for as long as i need, but there just aren't enough hours in the day for me to do it effectively. i can push through it all, i can learn through practice, just give me time, a lot of it.

"do it more effectively" but i wish i had people who could tell me how to do just that

i'm doubting if my best abilities and efforts really will yield me what i want to see

i work hard, sure, but i'm afraid of what comes next, i'm afraid of failure and not meeting my own expectations

i probably sound really ambitious, but i have no real substance behind my character other than this never ending internal struggle

i wish i had something interesting to talk about, i wish i had real interests and passions

because i feel like everything i say to people is repetitive,

i don't want to talk to people, but i don't want to be ignored

i don't want to work hard, but i want the best results

there's no one without the other, and i feel like i'm really getting the short end of the stick

my best is someone's minimum, sure, and this decidedly will change my future, sure

but i don't know the reason i'm doing this anymore. i have no reason to continue this, i have no reason to work hard, i have no reason to talk to others, no reason to try or be motivated

i just want to live to tomorrow and figure it out slowly

i wish i spent the earlier years of my life discovering my passions, listening to others, and developing a real personality

bceause now, at the end of the day, i feel like a failure

i feel like an empty husk of something that could've been

i want to know what keeps others going, how they just keep going

i just wish i had something more going for me other than "i don't wannna talk about it" and "i struggle with stress"

i really wish i had something going for me, that i was talented, smart, or pretty, or passionate about something

i wish i was perfect, basically

[grim comet]

i'm pretty sure i'm developing carpal tunnel

today was honeslty whatever, i finished that really hard business test that i kinda studied for? the grind is still an uphill battle, especially for film class

i want to get it over with as soon as humanly possible (not very possible), but i'm just faced with this immense dread every time i pull up the document or read my to do list for it

i also feel like i've got a pretty bad rep at school because lowkey nobody wants to talk to me of their own volition maybe other than my friends

i should talk less work more ykwim

show not tell

anyways my mom is home and i really hope she doesn't bother me

like she doesn't ask me how my day is, we just say hi and not see each other for the rest of the night

actually my friend said earlier that her mom was going away for 2 weeks, and i was like "Wow isn't that a good thing?" out of just pure instinct

and she said "no it's not, what am i gonna do without her??"

and i know already that everyone has different lives, different relationships to the people around them

but it sort of woke me up a little bit, like, really? you're on good terms with your mom?

i don't remember the last time i called her mom, or mama, or anything like that

i've called her and my father...well, just mother and father

it feels more appropriate, because i don't feel close with them at all

they nag me too much and don't realize it, and i wish they would realize it

i could say that about myself too

maybe i'm not being considerate to others, and maybe they're just hoping that i'll change without being asked to

i wish i just knew what people thought

i don't know

i'm going to work on the film stuff, and i might just use hard endurance and grit to get over it

it sounds very noble, in theory, to be able to endure anything and everything that is thrown your way

but i think it's more like dragging your feet through the mud, telling yourself that every second of it is unbearable, to run away from it and as far away as possible from it

it's like going through a forge i guess, but i don't know if i'm supposed to come out half-baked or supposed to come out stronger

i wish i was stronger, more motivated, talented, interesting, etc.

i wish i had more time to do the stuff i wanted, there's just not enough hours in the day for that though

i'm also frankly just not sure what i want to do, if anything at alll

i want to just feel good, motivated, happy

it's hard to manage between my own work and treating others well

i wish i could just change my mindset instantly, like, i could be the most interesting person ever, but also really locked in and hardworkign

the conversations that others have feel so rich, that it makes me wonder if i could ever be like that

i wish i could feel fulfilled

[grim comet]

it's been 5 days since i've been here

i studied for business, still did a bad job even though the questions were actually pretty easy

i really tried to just endure it for as long as possible

and i was really productive

and i thought that i was doing really well, that i could do anything

that i was really organized and i felt like i was very goal-oriented

and i had a clear objective of what i wanted to do

but as the days dragged on i felt that productivity and confidence slowly shrinking away despite being very productive

i did a little bit of research and i came across the term "hypomania" and i thought it fit my situation pretty well

i would say it's not to the point where i'm super depressed (not yet at least) after the 4 day period

i feel like i'm comitted to too many things at once

even though it's not a lot

i just wish i had someone in real life who i could share all these burdens with

i'm in charge of pretty much making an entire film by myself, because my teammates are somewhat incompetent (genuinely one barely even speaks English)

but it's also on me for gatekeeping everything

but i FELT like they wouldn't even care because it'd all fall back on me anyways

i wish i had a second me who i could split half th work wiht

i have to study for an important biology test as well, and i'm not even sure if i understand the concepts as well as i hope i would

it's honestly not even that much i have to do, but it feels so overwhelming

i don't even know if drowning would be better

i wish i had a solid plan for everything and i wish everything was straightforward

the best i can do now is try to settle it myself and make it as easy as possible for my future self to deal with, no matter how much of a burden it is for my current self

if i could be frank, i don't want to be so vulnerable all the time. i wish there was a way to release all of this burden and all of this thinking-for-the-future, and i wish i could focus on the long term rather than just trying to stay afloat

i don;t have plans for the future, i don't know who or what i wanna be, i'm not ambitious or talented or smart.

the only thing i have going for me is that i like to listen to people and i'm curious to learn about new things through others.

i currrently feel as if i have nothing going for me. nothing is going right, and no matter how hard i try, i'm mediocre at best; so maybe i'm not really trying as hard as i could be

i have this chocolate on my table that i'm telling myself will be a "reward" for finishing this week

i don't even like that flavor of the chocolate

i guess, really, it's a reminder that no matter what i try, the outcome is the same

i don't even know anymore how to feel about life

i gotta stop spiraling it's not even that deep

and after this week i wont have anything next week

what am i even worried about

i feel bipolar but i can't say that because it's not an official diagnosis

i can't tell if i'm just fishing myself out of a negative spiral or if this is actually something serious

this isn't the first time when i've felt so irritable and upset about myself just to tell msyelf it's not a big deal, that it's actually easy

if i had a clear plan for every single project or test that came my way, i could easily get these tasks out of the way

but i don't, because i just don't know enough

i still think i still went through mild hypomania, and i don't know if it's just a case of confirmation bias or what

i'm goingt to write this down for future me to look at

well i already said it before

i find myself jumping from point to point, like i'd be in the middle of one train of thought before hitting another, and getting to that and getting sidetracked completely before being like "What was i talking about again?"

okay i'm going to go back to work

i feel so out of energy and that i'm just doing everything by sheer grit

i wish i had another episode honestly, just to get through this week

i feel so indifferent right now it's kind of scary because i don't want this to affect anything

but really, when did i start caring about what happens in the future?

i don't care but i care

care enough that i spend all this time doing it, but don't care enough to follow completely through on it

so in the end, that just leads to mediocrity

i feel burnt out but i don't think i've done anything to be burnt out

for today's wish, i wish i was always highly motivated and productive, and that i'd always put my 100% into everything and not flake out at the last minute because it "felt like enough" 🩷

[balmy herald]

you're enough, you can do this; i believe in you <3

[grim comet]

i'm feeling really down today again because tomorrow is the dreaded day when i have to film

i also learned today that the cinematographer is actually the one who's supposed to plan out the shots

but she never reached out, nor was i ever informed of this

i can't tell anymore whose job is whose, and i feel like i took on too much work

i don't know the locations of each scene, i don't know what the hell we're doing, basically.

but i acted all confident and i took on the leadership role, so i don't know what to do

okay i'm back and im trying to sort it all out

this is a logistical nightmare

i can't possibly peer into the future and like predict every little thing that i might need/will go wrong

but i feel as though i need to because if i mess it up i won't be able to forgive myslef

i guess

i don't have to work this hard at all, it's just a mock collaborative and i frankly don't even know the boundaries of what i'm supposed to do

"i don't expetct the highest quality of content, but i exepct you guys to at least put in an effort"

that was what our teacher said

i wish, i really really wish at this moment that he knew how much stress this has given me over the last month

how much i've poured into creating this

and it'll probably only turn out mediocre at best

i want to cry so bad

sometimes i wish it was okay to just step back and tell people how much effort i poured into something, even if the product ends up being subpar or bad

because i wish they saw the process and the struggle behind it

rather than the shallow complaints and the half-assed attempt i made at making it

i feel like i complain a lot, and i wish i was surrounded by people who would support me

i wish i didn't have to carry this burden

by myself

in real life

it's not just this but everything else too. i feel like i'm solely responsible for what happens to me and i knwo it's true but it's scary

i have a biology test tomorrow that i absolutely have to study for, and i feel like i'm just barely grasping the content

and i've also got to finish up the stuff for this stupid film project

and communicate with everyone

i don't want to, i really don't

i want to jsut be so real for a second

i want to shrink away from all these responsibilities, and i want to just complain on end about shallow and meaningless things. i want to just get it all off my chest, and run away and have everyone else in charge of the things that are important. i wish i wasn't a leader. i'm not cut out for this, i can only comfort people and listen to them. i'm horrible at maintaining meaningful conversations, and i seem to only be able to spit out surface level facts, observations and statements

i wish i could just nod and agree, and talk a little bit about myself. but i can't. i don't know what people around me want to talk about. all the people i think are cool talk about things i couldn't even comprehend of talking about. music, events, other things that i frankly, have no interest in

i'm always the second choice

i'm desperate to be productive and useful to people, i want to talk to people and not feel as if i'm a bore or as if i'm the reason why the conversation ended

whenever we walk down the hill from school, i'm always the one lagging behind the group of 2 or 3 and the one asking "wait what's happening"

because what else am i supposed to say?

what else can i do?

even when it's only me and someone else, it's awkward. i don't know if they wanna talk to me or not. we share no common points. frankly, i'm not even remotely interested in the things they're interested in

but i have such great conversations with others, i can keep talking and asking questions

so i don't know if i'm the one lacking in conversational skills, or if they're simply jsut not giving me enough to work on

i don't even know what i want or what i want to talk about

that's a pattern i've been seeing, ever since i started writing here. i don't have a long term goal, nor do i have any ambitions. i can't seem to see past this week, and i'm fixated on just getting by. i wish i knew how people thought, how they plan, all of it.

[grim comet]

hi i'm back and today was kinda hectic

so first off i guess biology was fien

i'm not expecting full marks anymore because i did lowkey fumble BOTH of the math questions that were on it

even though it's LITERALLY just a formula

and everyone said it was easy so if i'm not getting full marks then it's over

then for film oh my god

we finally filmed, my teacher told me i had to be very assertive and stuff but i really don't like commanding people around

i like being unsure and still able to change things

but i guess being too lenient leads to incompetencies in leadership

i don't want to face my fears at all. i want to run away so far from them that some day i'll be willing to come back to them

anyways though

i still have to plan for tomorrow but i feel so mentally exhausted

i'm getting into a habit of eating gum before i get stressed or while i'm stressed

it's relaxing but i don't know how long i can do that for

i skipped lunch today and jsut had a cookie because we were filming and i didnt' even feel hungry, not even at dinner

i felt exhausted trying to sight read during my piano class just now as well

but i can't take a break now, especially not when we still have to film tomorrow (albeit i'm not sure what exactly we're filming tomorrow, i'll have to sort that out)

[grim comet]

I WANT TO MAKE ART

i have a fun project thing i wanna do with my club members where we do an art exquisite corpse but each person is in charge of sketching, coloring, rendering a piece

like we pass on our sketch to someone else, and we get a sketch in return!!

something like that would be cool

i wanna make an example for my club members just to flex ofc

ahhaha

[grim comet]

it's been a week since i last posted here

it got kinda better, and as of this moment i'm starting to feel the pressure

again

i finished filming for the dreaded project and now it's in the hands of our editor, and sure i'm the director but i frankly just want to free myself from these responsibilities.

then i hvae a club project i need to manage, and we have little member interest in it. compounded with the fact that i'm just not a very competent leader in the first place, i don't know how to make it work

heck, i don't really find myself passionate about digital art as much as i used to be, probably because i was physically restrained from drawing and doing art publicly in my house, so i had to do in secret which actually motivated me to do it

but now that i'm free and i have my own room and i have all the supplies i need, i feel very empty

and i don't know how to convey that loss of passion to my club members

okay i've figured out the email stuff, but i frankly don't know what to do about the lack of passion

maybe it'll come back to me during this break, who knows???

[grim comet]

man i dont wanna seem like a bad preson

i know i just had a great day and watched 2 movies

but i also cancelled plans on a friend that i've known for a long time because i thought hanging out with this newer group would be nice and because we were watching Hamnet

and i've never watched it before + it was oscar nominated

but it turns out that the friend i cancelled plans with was also watching hamnet, so i literally could've went

if only i wasn't so freaking stuck up on "going with the flow"

i wish i had a more solid personality and behavior

because i know people don't like having friends who always flake last minute

i always just love dipping my toes in the water but always retracting at the last secon

i wish i wasn't so freaking introverted, even though i act like an extrovert

i don't even know how to analyze this situation anymore i just want everyone to stop talking to me for like 3 days

and let me sort it out

i always jump the gun and i always act so freaking impulsively it repulses me

i asked that same friend if she was free to hang out later this week since she's elaving soon, even though i don't even want to see her right now

i wish i could just stop doing stuff out of "courtesy" and for "moving along" a conversation

i don't know how to be honest and reflect anymore i just want to break free from these responsibilities

i wish i wasn't so freaking repetitive

i just love playing it safe

to the point where i can't take risks

and all the risks i DO take are just straight up stupid

and for the "bit"

i hate it i hate it i hate it

i just hate myself

i feel like i come off very strong on others but in reality im just weak

i don't have ideals or morals or any sense of self

im not confident or courageous or qualified to lead

so why am i always being pushed to lead? i never wanted to be a leader but i feel obligated to be because i want to do well

and i don't want others to have the power because i'll have to listen to them

but i hate being the one to bear the responsibilities

so what im saying is that i'd rather just not live this life, and live life as someone else entirely different who is so far away that i can try anything i want without ever having the real responsibility come onto me

i wish i had expendable tries at life and just keep throwing myself at that wall until i found a way that works

because i know practice makes perfect

but the one thing that truly matters is something that i cannot practice for

so it's the one thing i can't be perfect at

i don't even want to be perfect

i just want to know what i'm doing wrong in life

how it got to this point

im just in a shallow pool crying and making it seem a lot deeper than it actually is

im just a coward and i don't want to speak out for myself or others unless it puts me in a position where i can get attention

all my friends are into something, into film, animation, art, sciences, politics, but i don't have a thing to my name

i'm so forgettable in this world of talented and nuanced individuals

it feels so meaningless sometimes because i know what's wrong

i don't have interests, because nothing interests me

all my passions are fleeting

and i can't anchor myself to any sort of hobby or talent or niche or anything that i could talk to my friends about

i have nothing to my name

so i might as well just be nothinig

i wish i could stop yearning and i wish i was emotionally intelligent

i have work to do but i don't feel like doing it anymore

im looking back at my old messages and i'm realizing how trivial these problems were, but there are some common threads between the things that give me major discomfort and the things that make me anxious

i just hate having deep long-term responsibilities, and i'm someone who prefers working on stuff short term because it closes off all those open loops i have going on in the background of my life

i constantly feel overwhelmed by the amount of people i have to talk to, and this irrational fear of talking to people is attributed to the fact that i feel inferior to others in conversations because i feel as though i have nothing of value to add, and because i feel as if i have to be on guard the entire time

i have trouble communicating with others and i often speak out of turn (moving the conversation too fast) or jump the gun when it's not appropriate for me to make a comment or don't have anything interesting to add

or sometimes i'm just not even listening to what people have to say which means that i'm not listening to the most important parts of the conversation, which often makes the entire interaction feel dull and lacking in meaningful content

[grim comet]

I had a dream earlier when I was sleeping, or it was just a moment during my sleep when I was half-awake and half-asleep. I was aware that I existed, like my mind was there, but I wasn't thinking of anything. I felt a small semblance of my body and I couldn't move it, but that was surprisingly okay with me. There was no dream, nothing happening. Just this subtle awareness that I existed, somewhere at some time, but I didn't experience anything else. It felt relieving in a way, because there was this very very very very very small wave of realization that I don't have anything to do. No play but also no work, which was completely fine by me. I woke up a bit groggy, but I very very sharply remembered how I felt, about not having to do anything. I remember feeling as though I could "exist" like that for the rest of time.

I know that living is honestly harder than dy1ng, but I don't know what's keeping me alive anymore. I've seriously given it some thought, but I know I haven't considered the consequences of actually doing it. A few nights ago (might've been a week ago), I tried to str4ngle myself in the neck, just to see where that would go. I didn't like it, and it felt like such a painfuI way to go. I felt my head hurting a lot after that, so I don't think that would've been a good idea. The reason I tried to do it back then was because I felt as if I didn't have a sense of direction, that the world would consume me whole. I can't even imagine turning 18 and having a place to go. I can't imagine finding work, getting a job, getting into a relationship. I can't imagine anything past today, actually. No deadlines matter to me, time is just an abstract concept in my mind, but everything I have to do is built around it.

Now, every time i sit down at my desk, this image of my hands holding onto a box cutter as I think about just sl1tting my throat comes up. I can't stop thinking about it. I know the consequences of doing it, but I can't really focus on that. I know there will be people who miss me, but I really don't care about them

i don't know if there is anyone in my life that i could say that i "care" about

my mother's embrace feels awkward and foreign

man i gotta stop

okay i'm back, and i have some smiley face stickers that im gonna put up on my desk whenever i feel nervous or emotionally swayed/inclined to take action on myself

I want to create something right now, with my hands

but i know i gotta get my work out of the way

i know i'll never truly understand the things i'm learning if i'm doing this, but i know i'm just in the wrong place

i know im a kind person, and i know i have the capacity to be positive and problem solve

yk, even saying positive things about myself makes me cry

because even though i know it's true, i can't accept it

but i want to

so i'm going to try to

i'm going to try to be a better person, to myself.

[grim comet]

i cried again

im too tired mentally to even explain why

i want to make something with my hands

[grim comet]

hey so it's been ANOTHER 4 days

my parents left the house for Paris and aren't coming back until the 6th

i know i hsould be taking this time for myself and i should do the things i've sorta wanted to do

but i feel so tied down by the weight of my obligations that they no longer feel important to me

i think my problem today is that i get so scared of talking to people, that i end up making it worse for myself

i remember a time, just a few months ago, when i was able to talk to people easily and i thought i was good at socializing, to an extent

i was able to talk about interesting things, i was interested in what they had to say

but now, i feel nothing when i do my 'hobbies', i don't even care what other people have to say

i know back then, i wished that i could be more resilient and strong, and that i could view myself from a more distant and critical perspective

but i feel like i've completely tipped that scale

because i no longer feel interested in anything anyone has to offer to me, i don't feel particularly inclined to do anything at all

im so hypercritical now that i WANT to feel something other than impending doom and apathy

i tell myself, "i achieved nothing today. i still have all this work to do, and if i don't do it now, it'll never end."

and even if i finish it, it FEELS like it'll never end

i feel like i'm gonna dr0wn in all these responsibilities

no matter how much i do, there's always more to be don

but i'm not in a place to complain because i know i'm privileged and that there are people out there that can live my life 100 times better than i can

but i'm not them!!! i can't take it, even if i have the mindset, i don't have the willpower to do it

i wish someone could just tell me what to do

because it's so scary to figure things out

that i don't even want to learn in the first place

i keep emailing my teachers asking them questions, and every time i'm told "meet me in person", and i hate that!!!

i don't want to talk to you in person!! that's why i'm sending you an email!!!

but nooooo everything is about leadership and autonomy but i don't want to lead, i don't want to be responsible or in charge

i don't care if that means i have no power

i just want to live a peaceful life

where i can just do labor and come back at the end of the day feeling fulfilled

not being burdened by the responsibilities of the future

i hate this situation because i never voluntarily put myself into it

i was placed these burdens, and now i must live with htem

but i can't learn to accept it

i feel constantly overwhelmed or disappointed in myself

sometimes it's my fault

and sometimes it's not

but still, i feel as though there is a way out that i can't see

i can't talk to people, i can't do sh1t, i'm lazy as hell, i can't do anything for myself, i'm just a disappointment and a failure

everyone around me just performs so much better

and being "average" is not enough

but what is enough?

when will it be enough??

i want to stop it all; nothing prepared me for this, nothing i do seems to get me out of this fuck1ng hellhole of a life i'm living

i feel so emotionally overwhelmed i can't even take a moment to look at myself from other perspectives

[grim comet]

i feel like my friends really hate me

they're being so sarcastic

and they don't normally do that

i COULD tone it down a bit i guess,

but damn it hurts a lot and i don't wanna think about it

i don't wanna waste time or energy thinking about sh1t like this i wish it just came naturally to me

even the smallest things really bother me

and when things don't go exactly the way i want to

i just get overhwlemed and get thoughts of wanting to h4rm myself

jesus christ this is not okay

i know it's not but i can't feel "okay"

i just feel like crying

please for the love of god what the hell is wrong with me why did i say all that

it's none of my business to share that information with others

and if i take it back now they're gonna think i'm fricking weird as hell

and that i was lying or something

[grim comet]

frick dude why do i have theory again

i hate all this shit let em do what i wanna do

augh

i have to study and i can't even focus too busy maladaptively daydreaming

can't cope with the stress that i don't even feel

the future looming over me but i frankly don't give a shit

i just feel angry and fed up and upset

over the smallest things

i feel like shit

i probably look like shit too

god fucking damn it i want to lock in and there just has to be a music theory class today

i don't even want to learn traditional piano let me play whatever the fuck i want

i thought art and music was about expression not conformity

i want to play songs from musicals and learn at my own fucking pace but nooo this fucking world just doesn't want to let me take a break

"most stressful 2 years of your life" yeah no fucking shit i feel awful like all the time and i can hardly think of anything positive or anything i'm looking forward to in life anymore

the problems i find in myself are growing larger than the happiness and i want to. just scream and cry AND GOD DAMN IT I'M ALREADY CRYING

i just feel so helpless

i was in the car earlier and i was like thinking about it "damn i have so many things wrong with me, i'm seasonally depressed, boring as hell to talk to, causing my own problems that i can't even get out of, i daydream too much, i yearn for shit i can't even possibly do" and i thought "why even go to a therapist? why would anyone waste their time trying to fix someone so broke just let it go"

man whatever !!!

if i go i go

fuck it bro

i've been tryna stay happy and whatnot in this journal but i just feel so particularly mad today

just a huge range of factors and shit

parents, eating out with relatives i don't even talk to FOR HOURS by the way, forced to eat food i don't even enjoy eating, told to stop complaining and being given the cold shoulders, feelings not even noticed, fuck bro

i wish i could help others but goddamn it i feel like i gotta help myself first

i've always helped others first but i wish just so fucking genuinely, that somoene will come and help me

i keep hearing noises that i think are my parents

and i'm still crying if they come into my room and ask em what's wrong i just knwo for a fact that they're just gonna lecture me about emotions and shit like yeah no kidding sherlock i know what i'm feeling

i don't need you to fucking talk to me about it

i hear something moving around outside and i'm just genuinely hoping i'm hearing stuff and it's not real

whatever goodbye