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[toxic flax]

hi i have depression, anxiety, ptsd, and suspecting npd and adhd

i haven’t been taking my meds recently outta pure laziness n idk

i’ve been getting worse but

my meds never even helped me in the first place so idk

and my nightmares are getting worse

i want something stronger

or something that works for the ptsd cuz im always around my trauma

(my parents) and it’s really scary for me to wake up from my dreams n like

immediately be surrounded by the ones who were torturing me a second ago in my subconscious yannow

i’ve never been more suicidal in my life

i almost showed my mom my self harm coz i thought that maybe she’d actually wanna help me

but i chickened out i know that it would’ve ended badly

but i wanna be seen so badly

and likw my psychiatrist and therapist know but

im scared to tell them that i cut often or else they’ll tell my parents and im not ready for that conversation

idk like

i don’t feel valid

i’ve been in this state of derealization for so long

ion feel real

and idk

o don’t want anybody’s reassurance or anything i think that’s dumb but

i really just need a place to talk without filters

or my boyfriend watching

everyone knows i wanna die like

even my parents do but honestly

i don’t think they’re even choosing to take it seriously

but i’ve honestly been thinking about actually doing it so much recently

and it kinda hurts like

im really apathetic by nature but

it’s a different kind of pain to realize that your parents are completely ignorant to the fact that you’re planning on killing yourself

i don’t even miss the past when i wasn’t hit that hard with depression idk

i just missed

empathy

like the act of being empathetic sometimes

i don’t let myself emphasize with anyone

or be close with anyone

but i used to care so much ab people and that part of me kinda died after all the trauma

ik my cold shoulder affects other people but

i can’t find the heart to care

[rain panther]

im sorry to hear all of that, and i know things can get rough.
if you ever feel that youre going to hurt yourself, please talk to someone you trust and let them know.

and remember that everyones feeling is valid and dont be scared to tell it to your closest people or a psychiatrist/therapist

if you need anything, just ping me or ask on my dm its always open when im active.

i hope youll get better soon

[toxic flax]

thank you so much for your kind words 🫂

[thorny forge]

yeah so sorry that you're going through this. Its tough when the people who are supposed to keep you safe itself turn out to be the ones making us feel unsafe. For the longest time I yearned for my parents to understand me and felt even more depressed when I tried explaining and they didnt understand. But now that I am 30 years, I have realised one thing: one can understand something only if they have gone through something similar. My parents never used to let me hang out with my friends, they told me that friends can be deceiving, not loyal, hurtful and that we shouldn't depend on them too much. God knows what experiences they must have had with their friends to come up with something so toxic, I thought. I found them toxic but now that I am older, I have started to realise that they speak from their experiences. They might not understand you cos they probably never went through something that you're going through now. You are a strong person, you are trying your best, you analyse what you are going through, you are trying to talk to people and get help. Hats off to you for doing that. Back when I went through bad phase, I used to just cry myself to sleep and completetly isolate myself. You can vent out as much as you want to people that you're comfortable with and if you dont have anyone to vent out to, you can talk to someone here or DM me. Not that i know anything better but I want to be there for poeple cos when I wasnt well, I was desperate for someone like that.

[toxic flax]

thank you

that helps a lot

[toxic flax]

my parent’s friends are coming over for dinner tonight and that’s a massive trigger for me

im really nervous idk how well im gonn be able to handle it

i’ll try to distract myself but

still

[toxic flax]

i think im gonna be okay, i have my headphones and i cant hear them with noise cancellgin

i dunno if my cat's okay, ion want them to overwhelm her and she hasnt ever been around this many people before

[toxic flax]

bruh im stressed and pissed off

i genuinely cant stand my parents

i want my parents friends to go away bro

[toxic flax]

they’re gone

i slept through the entire thing so i didn’t have to hear them yelling and stuff

[toxic flax]

im so anxious

im worried about my brother we sent him off to miami by himself and he’s 11

for a camp or whatever

and he hasn’t been responding to me on discord i dunno

im worried i genuinely

this is making my anxiety so bad

i say ion care but i really do

i hope he’s alive

how do i stop this feeling

i don’t know how long i can distract myself for

i wanna cut everyone off

im giving up on like

sustaining my friendships this is so tiring

i just want everyone to leave me alone

i wanna kill myself

🫩

omg i wanna relapse so bad rn

i literally did it 3 days ago

let this be over

i think im going crazy

withdrawal symptoms are killing me holy i cant close my eyes

i think im gonna do it

my skin is so uncomfortable idk how long i can go without not doing it

[simple sparrow]

Dont worry even if you have all kinds of problems never give up ❤️ stay strong

One day everything will be okay < 3 dont give up

[toxic flax]

i havent been taking my meds recently i think its catching up to me

im starting to miss how it made me numb now im just too self aware

and this sucks

i have so much to do but ion wanna do any of it ourhghhghghghghgghh

ok ill do my art assignemnt thats the easiest one

[toxic flax]

im seriously stuck in this loop of confusion i think

cuz my school just rejected me so i have to keep going to my current hellhole of a school

and face my classmates there

not worth calling them friends because theyre not

and i need 2 more whole years with them idek if im gonna last that long

so because of that i physcially cant bring myself to schooldaily

let alone 50% of the week

and that obviously makes my grades go to poop and it risks me being held back

and being subjected to even longer at this school

which i dont want to happen obviously but im very avoidant of my issues because of my anxiety

so its really hard for me to push myself outta my room and go to class so like

i really dont know how to get over this

[toxic flax]

honestly o don’t know how to describe my love for my boyfriend

im sure i love him i know i do

i’d love him in every single life i live i dunno it’s just not traditional love

i get everyone has different styles of loving but genuinely what is mine

i am attracted to him because he’s so capable and handsome and the biggest thing for me was just that

we were friends long enough for me to actually enjoy getting to know him

coz nobody really stays that long

n the fact that he did was attractive to me

and i’m happy that i have him

but i dunno. i’m just super apathetic by nature but

everybody is telling me that i am hurting him emotionally

but i don’t think i am and im scared that im beijgbignorant about this

but i know i can’t change my apathy

i dunno

i’ve always thought that being really rational is a good thing

and like i still do

o don’t know if anybody else is ready for that conversation

i don’t want to be sad anymore

[thorny forge]

I am the eldest kid and I have one younger sister. For the longest time, without me realising it, I used to be so concerned about so many things, like my sister, her relationship with parents, her college projects etc. I voluntarily involved myself into so many things and for sure that drained me. It is only a few years back that I realised about my unnecessary involvement and concern for others. Even though they are my own sibling and parents, my involvement and concern was ruining my own peace of mind. I realised that I need to consciously stop myself when i get overly concerned. I felt guilty for doing that, I felt i had the responsibility to fix everything around me but now I am starting to realise that nothing was ever my responsibility. My parents are adults capable of doing things on their own and so my sister. Yes, I totally understand how concerned you are about your little brother. He went for a camp with adults, who will take responsibility for his wellbeing. Your parents decided to let your brother go cos they trusted the people organising the camp. This situation is beyond your control, is the first thing that we need to understand here. You need to tell yourself firmly that things will be completely alright and there's nothing you can do about it here. Your worry/concern does no good in this situation. So let it go. The best we can do is to distract ourselves. I go to gym everyday. More than physical fitness, it gives me mental peace. Those 2 hours I think about nothing. I get tired and sleep like a baby at night. Also I go for long walks when i feel low. What do you do when you feel low? how do you distract yourself. I see you updating everything here, that seems to be helpful for you. Do whatever helps you in these situations and remember that we care about you.

Also idk what exactly is causing you pain. I am assuming it is your parents

[neat harbor]

hello! so, i'll help you in an christian view, as i am one & have been saved from horrible stuff i nearly did to myself trough him

so,

things might be rough, sometimes they are, even when its more often than before. but dont give up, dont listen to the temptation, keep yourself living, because there is no way to get this life back once it has ended, cherish your life even because of the bad, because you know that there is always hope in bad if you believe in it. god gave you this life, and wants you to enjoy it. s/h or ||suicide|| isn't the choice.

what did i do to make my life better?

i slowly quit the horrible choices i used to make, stopped harming myself for nothing. i quit an horrible horrible religion i was in before (spawnism, i know it might've been the worst choice i ever made but i was clueless back then), and just started progressing towards christianity, i started praying, read an online bible, just simple things that i had, slowly i started to progress, and started teaching my friends to ways of christ as well.

my words for you, is to seek god's forgiveness, and if you truly ask for it, he will grant it to you, i'm happy to teach you how to do that if you wish, and i just wanna say it once again, dont do the worst thing for you rn, which is ||ending yourself||

[toxic flax]

i’ve asked him for so much n my faith has been dwindling so badly lately it almost feels fake. i’ve asked him to take me away so many times but he never answered, same with every time i asked him to save me. i don’t know what to believe anymore even though i want to believe in him so badly

i can’t even save myself from temptation im not a good christian, i don’t know. i want time to contemplate on my relationship with him i guess

[toxic flax]

i wanted to talk to somebody about my self harm because i honestly needed the attention so bad

but who do you even go to for that when most if not all people will act shocked and disgusted with you

i know i can’t tell my parents

i can’t tell my therapist

because she’ll tell my parents

never my best friend because she doesn’t need to worry

nor my boyfriend

but i wanna be seen so badly

i wanna be comforted

n told that i’ll be okay

and that relapsing is ok and at least i was trying to be clean

[toxic flax]

ok i had a dream where i showed my mom my sh and yea she did not give a frock

and she was like if u wanted to die so badly just keys and stuff

i have these dreams all the time cuz my ptsd so it’s nothing new

but yea ok i guess im not telling my mom about it

[toxic flax]

i have been thinking about taking my life

i want to kill myself

i have done my research

i don’t wanna live anymore

please let it be over

what do i do

i’m going to do it

[toxic flax]

i need a smoke